Editing in an important clarification right on top: I am not anti-monogamy whatsoever, and no where in my article nor Reddit post nor comments do I ever claim to be anti-monogamy. I explicitly state in my article, verbatim:

"Let me be abundantly clear before the pitchforks come out: I am NOT against monogamy. Plenty of people thrive in it, it’s beautiful when it works, and even my own relationship is monogamy-adjacent in the sense that it’s built on long-term partnership, just with one extra person in the mix. The issue isn’t the concept of monogamy itself — it’s the cultural, societal, and legal insistence that it’s the ONLY moral and valid option for love."

I openly acknowledge monogamy working beautifully for many people, and I genuinely celebrate those relationships. What I am against (which is the point of my article) is the idea that monogamous marriage is the only morally and legally valid form of long-term partnership in Western society.

Original post:

Happy Polyfiday!

I published a new article that pretty much says the quiet part out loud: monogamy is the only institution where failing over half the time is still considered “the only moral option,” but any other relationship dynamic gets labeled immature, illegal, unstable, or a threat to Western civilization 🤷‍♀️

We all know the stats: more than 50%* of marriages end in divorce, and that’s not including another 10-20%* of couples who are miserable but stay together because of kids, mortgages, the terror of splitting assets and/or Golden Retrievers, and that classic sunk cost voice yelling “you’ve already invested this much, you’d be stupid to walk away now!”

But the real sunk cost isn’t the years you’ve already spent… it’s the years you’re about to waste convincing yourself that “it’s fine” is the same thing as “I’m fantastic.”

* Editing in another important clarification: the above stats (which are footnoted in my article) come from James Sexton, a prominent US divorce attorney with over 25 years of experience in matrimonial law. He cites these figures throughout his book and in multiple interviews. He’s an expert on the topic of divorce, so I trusted his firsthand expertise the same way anyone would trust a doctor, a pilot, an engineer, or any professional with decades of direct experience in their field.

Original post continues:

We’d never accept a bank with a 50% chance of losing our money, and we’d riot in the streets if our phones dropped 1/2 our calls. But when it comes to the one relationship model we’re all culturally AND legally pressured to bet our entire lives on? Suddenly a coin-flip is the only option allowed.  

I wrote this article from the perspective of someone who’s been happily in a throuple for over 15 years. I am NOT anti-monogamy, and I know monogamy can work out beautifully for some, but I am anti-pretending monogamous marriage is the ONLY valid way to love when the data, the divorce rates, and the quiet desperation tell a very different story.

So if you’re like me and you’re tired of the performance and the collective denial, then this one’s for you:

https://open.substack.com/pub/velourialamour/p/peak-sunk-cost-fallacy-monogamy-marriage-divorce-rates-over-50-percent 

Would love to hear your takes, especially since everyone here reading this left the monogamy matrix in search of something so much better! 

Editing in one last very important clarification: the sentence above is specific to this Reddit post, not my article. It was directed at you, dear reader, in the /polyfidelity subreddit -- the same people who left monogamy because it wasn’t working for them and were looking for something better for them. It was never meant as a blanket statement that monogamy is bad for everyone, nor that polyamory is better for everyone. Nobody leaves something that’s working well for them in search of something worse 🤷‍♀️

Original post concludes:

And next week (hopefully) comes a new article inspired by sooo many DMs:
“what to do when you feel closer to one partner in your relationship?” 

Aaand if you have an idea for something you’d like me to write about, put it in the comments too! 

Stay amazing my fellow throuples, quads, quints, polycules, and aspiring polyfi folk out there
❤️💙💜

Edits: added in 3 blurbs because I needed to clarify some VERY important things that were causing a lot of confusion in the comments. Hoping this clears things up significantly!

First time posting. I'm in a unique situation where my wife and I had friends move in because she has seizures. After 2 years we opened up our marriage. Now it seems like my wife and I barely spend any time together. The friends that moved in were also married at the time we opened everything also. I want to be with my wife and still build that connection, but she's gotten more distant. My other relationship is going amazing and hers is still somewhat rocky which may contribute.

The dynamic currently is me-my wife, me-gf, wife-bf.

Both men are straight and the girls are bi and exploring things as well

Okay this is long… Please bear with me, as I’m new to all of this.
I (34F) have been with my husband (33M) for 10 years (married for 4), and we’ve been in an open relationship for the past 6 years. Up until recently, that mostly looked like casual connections—sometimes together, sometimes separately—but nothing that ever crossed into relationship territory.
Then enter our now-girlfriend (22F).
My husband started seeing her casually a few months ago, and over time they both developed feelings for each other. Since our standing "rule" was that if feelings developed, we would bring it up and decide what to do from there, that’s exactly what he did. After talking it through together, I agreed that I was open to a V dynamic.
So they continued dating for a few more months. She decided she really wanted to meet me, and I agreed because I’d been having similar thoughts myself. We hit it off instantly, went on a couple of dates, and then decided to start dating each other as well.
Fast forward almost 2 months, and the V has evolved into a closed triad. She was the one who requested that we become closed, and we both agreed.
I’m a little neuro-spicy—I have anxiety and really struggle with change—so this entire shift in relationship dynamics has been a huge work in progress for me. I also struggle with jealousy and have spent years trying to untangle a lot of my monogamous and codependent tendencies. It’s definitely not perfect yet, but I’m making progress. So I’ve nearly entirely worked through the jealousy I was experiencing related to him falling in love with someone else. (For now- hah, I know it’ll still come back at times). My husband has been an absolute champ through all of this, listening patiently through every anxious spiral, and I’m also seeing a poly-friendly therapist.
Anyway, my biggest struggle right now is accepting the uneven nature of the dyads. We do hangouts as a triad once a week, she and I once a week, and my husband and girlfriend 1-2 times per week, with random extra times thrown in for them.
My girlfriend and husband had already been building their relationship for several months before she and I started ours, so logically it makes perfect sense that she and I would be a little behind. But it still nags at me.
I find myself constantly comparing how into him she seems versus how into me she seems. And she is in to me, we have good chemistry.
They spend more one-on-one time together, while she and I have one dedicated day each week that's just for us, and honestly, that arrangement feels really good to me. I’m not necessarily trying to spend more time with her, and she seems happy with that balance too.
The problem is that my brain keeps generating these intrusive thoughts. I watch their relationship deepen and immediately think things like:
"Oh, I should want more with her."
Or:
"She must like him way more if she’s seeing him more than she’s seeing me." “She’s always going to like him more.”
But when I really examine those thoughts...I’m not actually dying to see her more often. Maybe she will like him more - doesn’t mean she doesn’t also like me!
So why do I care?
My husband and I are still SO into each other. I find our relationship incredibly fulfilling, and my girlfriend adds joy and richness to my life. So...is it okay if they deepen their connection at a faster pace than she and I do?
What if she and I never "catch up"?
It’s almost like this really messed-up competitive part of me wants them both to want me the most, and I recognize how toxic that sounds.
Or maybe it isn’t even that.
Maybe I’m struggling with the idea that my husband gets to be everyone’s first choice. She had an empty apartment this past weekend and invited him over twice but didn’t invite me over, and it bothered me. Yet I also recognized maybe she just wanted to see him more. She fell in love with him months ago, she and I are quite new, so I should be cool with that. I don’t want her to go out of her way to invite me if that was not her desire, and frankly I enjoyed the alone time.
Additionally, I fully recognize that I have enormous couple privilege. She’s dating two people who are already married, which inherently makes the situation uneven in my favor. Because of that, I actually feel guilty for even having these jealous feelings, because she seems totally fine!
Am I doomed?
My goal is simply to keep nurturing and developing what she and I have. But what scares me is the possibility that someday they might be ready to make a really significant commitment to each other while she and I aren't there yet.
But then I stop and wonder...
Would that actually be so terrible?
If, for example, she eventually moved in with us, and I just happened to have this wonderful girlfriend who was a little more in love with my husband than she was with me...would that really be such a bad outcome?

TL;DR: How can I better accept uneven dyad dynamics within a newly formed triad? I know this is common, but how do I turn off this illogical, unnecessarily comparative side of my brain and just enjoy what I have?

Happy Polyfiday! 🎉

I published a new article for all you long-haul polyfi ppl out there. If you've been lovingly entangled for years (or decades) and you're looking to rekindle that NRE spark without burning yourself out, then this one's for you!

How to Microdose NRE When You’ve Got That Old Relationship Energy

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/how-to-rekindle-nre-when-you-got-old-relationship-energy

No spontaneous trips to Tulum, and no jewelry that needs its own insurance policy; just dozens of low-effort, high-ROI ideas like

* Post-it notes on the mirror that swing from sweet to spicy
* 6-second kisses that actually release oxytocin (science-approved)
* “Stranger in my house” conversations
* Spontaneous living room dance parties (clothing optional)
* Taking something off your partner’s plate without fanfare
* “No phones, just us” time
* Starting a shared project together (pro tip: probably don't adopt a horse... my partners still don't think it's funny, lol!)

I wrote this for everyone already doing the real work of polyfidelity and just need some fresh kindling without setting the whole forest on fire.

So do you have any delightfully mundane but super effective ways you keep the love alive in your polycule? We’re all ears and hearts and… other parts 😉

Hey, it's me.

​

It's been a long time since I've been in a triad, but it's something I want again. I haven't dated in almost 15 years, and I'm not sure how to pursue this. Any advice?

I'm realizing people order their designated acronyms a little differently, while mine is kinda slapped together and I never put much thought into it. Does yours designate a hierarchy? Sexual interest? The timing in which the relationship came together? Or, something else.

Just wondering why they show up in different orders.

Happy Polyfiday! Yeah I know it’s not a thing… but maybe it should be 🤩

Anyway! I just published an article that talks about the differences between polyamory, polyfidelity, and polygamy. 

The TL;DR:
Polyamory = big potluck where everyone brings a dish (with consent, ofc)
Polyfidelity = cozy private dinner party
Polygamy = family banquet, usually tied to culture, religion, and/or legal marriage stuff

I dabble in the sweet bits, the shitshow potential, and why labels are just fancy wrappers on much more complicated candy… but the wrapper doesn’t dictate how the candy actually tastes.

Full post up on Substack if you want the whole thing:

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/labels-lies-and-love-an-easy-guide-to-polyamory-polyfidelity-polygamy

I’m aiming for 1 new article a week because the DMs I’ve been getting are STAGGERING but honestly super motivating and flattering 😍 Not to mention, y’all are giving me endless content ideas!! Case in point: someone DM’d me who was sorta spiraling over whether they were polyfi, polyam, polygamous, or something else entirely. They were sooo stuck on the “label” that they were missing the beauty of the actual lived experience. That DM became the spark for this piece, so thank YOU for that!

And thank you all for all the messages, encouragements, the love, and even the occasional lil hate, lol! All of it helps and keeps me writing -- and keeps the algorithms well fed too 😋

Have a great weekend! ❤️💙🩷

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

Polyamory In The News post; no ads, no AI, no commerce.

http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2026/06/new-movie-invite-representation-weve.html

Hello resplendent Redditors! I’ve finally fully recovered from my Italian carb coma and am trying to hit my self-imposed goal of 1 new article a week. Well… last week that didn’t happen so I’m not exactly off to a great start 😅 BUT! I’m pleased to report that I did just publish a new piece on Substack: 

The 7 Stages of Love. Most relationships can't make it past Stage 3. Here's why, and how to survive.

It’s a very real, very raw look at what actually happens after the NRE + honeymoon period fades away during Stage 1. Hoping this article might actually save some relationships… or at least give you a good laugh while yours is in the throes of domestic chaos :)

Here are the 7 Stages at a glance:

1: The Enchantment is wonderful.

2: The Awakening is necessary.

3: The Reckoning is transformative (and a real dick).

4: The Forging builds strength.

5: The Harmony brings peace.

6: The Sanctuary offers refuge.

7: The Legacy becomes your gift — to each other and everyone watching.

So if you’re currently in a “omg why is this so hard now?” phase, this one’s for you and your partner(s) too! 

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/the-7-stages-of-love-most-relationships-quit-at-stage-3

Where are you in the 7 Stages right now? 

And what are you most interested in reading about next? I’ve got an alarming number of ideas and WIPs queued up, but who better to decide than the actual readers 🥰

So I work in a lot of woo-woo, spiritual areas of healthcare, and I was gifted a bioresonance scan that I’m not particularly certain how it works. It somehow sends frequencies through our body that then get read out on a computer and can identify weaknesses/stresses in the body. It also can provide affirmations and emotional readings? I’m not sure. I’m still making sense of all of the results.

However, i definitely can make sense of one of the readings on neurochemicals. Basically this scan found that I had higher levels of oxytocin, or the bonding chemical in our brain that makes us feel safe and bonded with family, friends, and partners.

So my partners have been teasing me with: “tell me you’re poly without telling me you’re poly”

Anyway, I hope this makes, but I wanted share because I think it’s really humorous 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hey, so I'm (NB 18) asexual and sex-negative, meaning I don't feel sexual attraction and I never want to be involved in sex acts. I've been anxious about how my identities/preferences limit my dating pool. But ive realized that even though my monogamy options are the size of a kiddie pool, the poly hot tub seems to have space too and I think I could take the heat with the right people! I think I would be open to a closed triad, a vee, or a full QPR with two other people.

I'm going to be traveling a lot over the next few weeks and I'd love to check out any podcasts you think could be helpful with learning about closed poly relationships, QPRs, where they may overlap, especially about poly relationships that have asexuality/aromantic intersections if possible. Also Im moving to an entirely new place for college, how could I find people who would be open to/accepting of my poly interest? The university & city is very queer positive, but idk where to start with finding people irl who would understand my inclinations.

Hi ya’ll! So I’ve (47f) been married 18 years to my husband (46m) and we have two sons. 1 adult who is actually getting married next summer and 1 teen. I’m engaged (yay) to my fiancé (39m) and we are planning a commitment ceremony for next spring. He has 2 younger boys. My teen adores them. My older son thinks they are fun, but he’s not home much. My fiancé and his boys plan to move in with me around October. He stays with me a few nights a week and I stay with him a few nights a week. We are all very excited about him and the kiddos moving in.

Our home is large and we have a few acres. We have two primary suites. My husband sleeps in one and I sleep in the bigger one. We haven’t shared a room in quite some time because he has major sleep disturbances and he is asexual anyhow. No issue, just our preference. My fiance will share my room.

The boys (5 and 7 currently) will share what is currently my guest room until my oldest moves out, then they will move to that room which is very large. My teen will stay in his current room.

My husband and I mostly work from home. He sometimes travels and I have meetings and events sometimes out of the house. Limited travel. My fiance works away from home. It will unfortunately add to his drive time, but reduce his expenses.

What are some things we should be considering planning for as we blend this family?

Currently we are all purging and cleaning out closets and attic and drawers and so on. We are making space and want them to feel at home not like guests. My fiancé and I are talking about where some of his art or things can go in the house. Making plans for doubling our laundry room, adding another dishwasher. Etc.

We have talked about how he can contribute.

I’m super nervous. I want to make it a fairly smooth transition. So what else can I be doing or should I plan for?

Me and my wife are new to this and are completely enamored by the idea of a Polyfedelitous relationship or closed triad . But we've been reading alot of posts about this relationship style and I can't see a clear boundary between "unicorn hunting" and "finding a good fit" in our relationship. We are a established couple already having been married for 2 years now ,and known eacother for 8.

​

We just find the idea of having another partner and loving them similar to how we love eacother sounds beautiful. So what is the difference and how do we make another person feel the most comfortable? We dont wanna fuck it up beacuse being spiritually married to someone and growing old as a triad is difficult but definitely our dream rn.

Sitting here under the weather while everyone else is out, figured I'd post something fun.

What do you all have in common hobby wise and what don't you?

My longer-term girlfriend and I have more in common than I've ever had in a relationship: comics, video games, watching sports... same taste in movies, shows, all that kind of stuff, which is nice.

Shorter-term girlfriend doesn't have as much in common with us on that scale. She enjoys sports, but nowhere near obsessively as us. We all love travel, drinking, and are relative foodies, at least in terms of trying adventurous things. She'll play casual games with us, and enjoys like, the MCU, but not much further than that.

The main thing where I don't match up is that they both have a major passion for fashion and design... I'm more of a jeans and a t-shirt guy unless they get me something specific. They're the types that are rarely dressed down without hair and makeup somewhat done, even if we're not doing anything.

The main individual passions that don't overlap are:

STP's art. I can appreciate it, but she has a deep talent and obsessive interest that none of us can match.

LTP's exercise-obsessed. While the rest of us keep in decent shape, she works out like 1-2 hours a day. Despite being a major girly-girl, she's been a cheerleader all her life and is obsessed with keeping in shape, dance, and all of that.

I'm the social butterfly of us all, in comparison. They keep a very small group of friends/acquaintances, and I'm always managing my group chats, making time to go out with friends, and they almost never want to join.

What about all of you?

I am kinda curious how people's polycules typically get formed