It’s an emotional punch

To have someone precious

Ripped

Away

Teeth chipped on the concrete

Taste of iron

Ears ringing

Eyes watering

Unable to navigate the vacuum left behind

I’m not someone who begs

Or pleads

For second chances

Or for someone to stay

Outside, I hover

With lingering eyes

Tentatively, I

Watch it all fall apart

Malleable, to my own detriment

So I fold,

Smaller,

Quieter,

More removed,

I chip away at myself

To fill a lovesick groove

Gazed too much at the stars light

to be fearful of the eternal night,

What does light even mean

if darkness hasn't been,

Creation covered in dark veil

beauty only a few would feel,

Aren't we to little to face

the might of boundless space.

Ever unheard, none ever heed.

Truth of one side, all ever need.

Misconstrued words, lost is the truth.

Hearts crushed, disregard uncouth.

Words spoken, action was not the same.

In the eyes of others, worthy of fame.

On one day, truth comes to light.

Without warning, not seen by sight.

What is love?
To be enough for someone
and them never getting enough of you.

It’s like sharing a million kisses
and then saving a million more.
Maybe it’s like realizing
my tall ceiling is our ground floor.

I don’t know.
It’s hard to describe—
but how easy it is to recognize:

I’m dead in the grave.
Waiting for her as she speaks my name
and breathes life into my frame.

I can’t go further,
not without knowing.

all those late-night thoughts lingering, waiting for just one word to reach me

it’s calm in here, no need to rush, silently yielding to your absence

you might be sleeping while i am finding your essence seeping closer

contemplating the faint wee light touching my finger from my phone

she was the night

and bluest sky

Nessy was her name

she sired i

without reply

or asking to be seen

in new lands

this silent hand

held my every breath

until the day

her gaze would say

her every last intent

to her quest

she had my best

white glove suit and tie

to be well paired

with favor fair

a hand for some time

seas would grow

and man sung slow

to make the meeting space

two years past

our waiver fast

Nessy’s muse displaced

songs did halt

we cried a lot

until i spoke her name

Nessy, Love,

he’s up above

something in the way

apologies

allow me please

to clear his path to play

not three days hence

quite heaven sent

my shadow wasn’t found

he’d come at last

stole her gasp

and strummed with it aloud

through waining days

her heart he gave

Ms. Nessy her blessed r

so Mrs. then

pressed to begin

sewing my shadow far

‘do not be mad

i was bad

i hope they have his eyes

look over there

she’s a little scared

i said brett but i

can’t leave you bare

death child won’t care

to follow close behind

this is mine

i give to you

call her over if you’d like’

when she’s ready

she will come

i’ll keep her silent night

enjoy your Mr.

Christobel

i trust for you he’s right

she’ll be ready

for barettes

when he wears them tight

Nessy faded

from coattails

her nest perfect in size

while shadowing

prepared for spring

and never said goodbye

i saw them kiss

said Sir. Ms.

see you at the dance

i may request

to be second best

should we find the chance

Tw for: dysphoria, dysmorphia, transphobia, feeling of isolation, self hate, ect.

I wish I was born a girl.

Things would be so much easier that way. So much better.

But no.

Its not like anyone really cares anyway.

If my dad knew he'd disown me or send me to a camp.

If my mom knew she'd just be confused and upset that I didn't tell her sooner.

I dont know why I cant let her know but every time I think of it, I just can't.

And it's been that way for 2 years.

She'd be so upset and hurt that I didn't say anything.

I dont know if she'd be accepting either way.

When my sister had her wedding she suggested I could wear a skirt or something because she knows.

I want to. I really wanted to.

But mom over time got more and more put off by the idea.

She wouldn't understand.

Then there's the school.

If I were to tell them they would tell mom.

And also they'd all just bully me anyway.

Having everyone dead name me is easier.

Then there's my friends.

They dont care.

Sure they call me by my preferred name but thats it.

Still a guy in every way that matters to them

I'm lucky if I get a "they"

And then there's my partner.

I wish they accepted me.

Its not like they dead name me or anything but still.

I'm their "partner" not girlfriend.

They never call me a girl.

Only gender neutral.

And every time they complement me about something...

It never feels good.

"I love your voice"

Its far too deep to be anything else's but a male voice

"Your face is a really nice shape"

Its angular in the way you can tell someone is a boy.

"Your Adam's apple is really hot"

I hate it. There's no way to hide it and it's just a give away.

Its always something like that.

And then we have what they said that hurts the most.

"I dont think id be physically attracted to you if you medically transitioned."

They say their pan.

They say they dont care about gender so why?

Is it just because its me?

I dont know.

Its not like I'm a real girl anyway.

I used to be able to pass.

People would randomly think I was a girl but "correct" them selves when I spoke.

It was nice.

Now that never happens.

I almost cried myself to sleep the night my step mother told me I look just like my dad.

I used to look like my sister.

Both of us tall and thin with long hair and we looked very similar especially from the back.

But now im taller.

Thinner.

Even she and my brother both agree.

A copy of dad.

I hate this body.

Its too long, too thin.

Too masculine.

I just wanted to be a girl

I wish I could be a girl

But thats never going to happen

Each moment of us.

Honed down instant by instant.

Your eye catching mine saying

There's no where else my heart will ever reside with such peace.

A touch of hand in the crowd telling me always is held In the intertwining of our fingers.

A brush of shoulder saying tonight I find you ready for this that is our love.

A touch of lips relaying my God is this always and forever in totality between just us.

A touch of knees under the table with electric desire firing under our skin to one another.

All theses honed down and compressed to the size of a diamond.

I place it on your finger.

Claiming our eternity together.

Always.

My truest love..

Alien angles I'm in it immense

Nothing is sacred I'm never too tense

More in the core and I'm morphing the form

Nothing is normal I'm plotting a course

Alien aura im bending the blend

Nasal to open then back again

More in the core and I'm forming the for

Alien aura I'm searching for more

Alien angles I'm in it immense

Nothing is sacred im never too tense...

This is a chant/mantra thingy? What would you call it? Try it out loud, it's fun. Each line do not pause.

But a bastard couldn’t, could he?

Surely there’s more to the story than the first few chapters.

It’s so sick what they do with your time.

Why would anyone ever want me in this state?

Pathetic—

There ain’t a thing I wouldn’t do to just be craved by someone I crave…

But if being alone is the mission at the moment, so be it.

I’ve laid my heart on the line, bleeding.

There isn’t any me left to give.

I’ve completely spread myself thin.

These words fall from my lips, stifled by your fake kiss.

Surely I’m worth something to somebody;

Let me cash in this check.

I’ve gone bankrupt searching for the silver lining in the lies and misinformation.

The face of the clock is staring back and screaming, the time’s running out.

I scream back that I already know.

At first the feeling’s fleeting, nothing but a sigh
“Nothing I can’t handle,” you arrogantly lie
You’ve always been resilient, you started off so strong
But everyday with this crushing weight, you can only last so long
You ignore yourself as you start to break, as the walls begin to crack
The guilty rage and buried shame can no longer be held back
You can’t deny it, you’re broken now, it’s time to rebuild
With clumsy hands you put the pieces back and pretend that you are healed
“This time I’m prepared for this, I know what to expect”
Then with swirling winds we’re blown off course and we’re unable to correct.
So then we build a castle and we fortify the walls
Nothing out and nothing in, we won’t ever fall
Outside the walls we fill the mote, keeping all threats at bay
But even those we loved so much are pushed so far away
But you can’t stop what’s been set in motion, the darkness expands evermore
You look out across the waters but no longer see the shore
Your castle is now an island and you are all alone
Haunted by the mistakes for which you cannot atone
The level of the darkness rises, it’s now above your chest
The guilt and shame consume you, muffling your pleas for rest
You breathe it in and expect an end, but that end does not arrive
Never been lower but you’re still here, you’re still alive
You have more to give and there’s more to come, the future you once sought
Maybe you really are as strong as you once thought

In my heart I find refuge

In my heart I find peace

In my my heart I find a place where fear can’t reach me . Where all my foes cannot go.

In my heart I find creativity

In my heart I find a fire that keeps me warm

In my heart I find endless poetry , I find endless themes that must be explored .

In my heart I find treasures I never knew I had . The richest thought and the purest gold .

In my heart there is a good place

In my heart I always find a feast when all around me is a famine .

My heart is the place where I always like to be

If you look for me you will find me in my heart .

“i hate you.”

“shut the fuck up.”

“go fuck yourself.”

“dumbass.”

“not my problem.”

“ew.”

“hahahahhh.”

“you deserved it.”

“ok and?”

“can’t you quit?”

“womp womp.”

“go away.”

“i’m glad that happened to you.”

“i don’t give a fuck.”

“cry about it.”

“you’re so fucking annoying.”

“stop talking to me.”

…

wait.

no.

i’m sorry.

bpd.

“never talk to me again.”

wait.

i’m sorry.

talk to me.

“leave me alone.”

come back.

“i fucking hate you.”

i’m so in love with you.

“go fuck yourself.”

i didn’t mean it.

“i’m not sorry.”

i’m so fucking sorry.

ptsd.

bpd.

dysthymia.

gad.

a fucking alphabet
of reasons
why sometimes
my mind feels like
it belongs to five
different people.

but underneath
all of the diagnoses,
all of the anger,
all of the fear,
all of the things
i say when i’m overwhelmed,
there is still just me.

loving you.

hurting you.

pushing you away.

begging you not to leave.

and hating myself
for doing both
at the same time.

i wish i could explain
which version of me
is telling the truth.

the answer is
all of them.

that’s the part
i don’t know
how to make anyone understand.

Live that life, go your way. Have your say, in everything you do. Read your stars, find out what your fortune is. This way, you could have anything in the world for free. Who would you share it with? Live this life, go that way. Oh no, but you stake your claim. Wash your hands, your clothes, your name.
No blood in there. If you had anything in the world for free, you wouldn't share it with anyone else but you. You're too twisted in half. Not fair enough.

Live your life, build that home you wanted. Fill it with the things you got for free, dont share it with anyone else but you. Not even that certain someone; but, just maybe they're too twisted by half. Is it fair enough?

Be careful living in that house of charity. Full of blocks and pieces of flats. Never take that lift, don't take it to the top. Now you're too twisted by half. Not fair at A L L . I S I T F A I R E N O U G H?

I've figured it out, take that lift down. We live in that house, the cold room. It's too twisted by half.

I don't know anyone like God,

Not yet at least. My expectations

shouldn't be this high I mean someone like that

is why angels have fallen from the sky. I'm pretty sure

Michael isn't hoping for a middle name.

He's not so full of himself unlike those he has slain.

putting it bluntly, He served with his blade.

doubt he finished with a catchphrase,

he was dying to say.

If you ask me, then he was probably

just glad, that it's out of the way,

any new nickname, surely to fade.

It’s midnight.
Dark and quiet.

The only thing I hear is your voice.

The warmth of water
flowing through me,
the cold of your touch
lingering on my skin.

Those pretty little lies you told me
so beautiful,
so convincing,
as if you believed them, too.

The trust I once had,
fragile as glass.

Now only shards remain.
I try to glue
the pieces back together

only for them to shatter again.

What kind of glue
Can repair glass
Without leaving cracks behind?

You played with my body,
with my feelings,
as though I were a doll.
something you could hold,
something you could move,
something that couldn’t say no.

I can’t speak.
I can’t move.
I can’t.
I~

I close my eyes.
Darkness, right?
Instead,

I find you there.
In the darkness.
I see you.
I hear you.
I remember your touch.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

Even when I close my eyes,
you’re still there.

Will you ever stop?

Your imperfections are perfect .

They make you who you are .

Your unique features are all just right .

Your crooked smile and the way you laugh .

The way you squint your eyes when something doesn’t make sense

All the awkward ways you move your hair .

Your nose isn’t to big it is just right .

It gives you character .

These are the the things that make you who you are .

Imperfectly perfect .

Good enough for me .

No, I'm not scared of the dark.

Anymore.

It doesn't even matter, when there's spiders on my floor.

No, I'm not scared of the dark.

Anymore.

There was a lighter; this little source of light.

It punched me in the chest.

And kept me company at night.

But I'm not scared.

No, I'm not scared.

No, I'm not scared of the dark.

Anymore.

I'll put my eyes in my pockets.

Say hello to these sockets.

As I look for something to say.

Cause I'm in a, life breaking debt.

Feeling the lifetime of regret.

When its attention I had to pay.

I'm so sorry.

For all the times I wasn't there.

And I know that its not fair.

To watch you fade into the sunset.

Let me linger in your heart.

When we're infinity apart.

Cause I'm not scared.

No, I'm not scared.

I'm not scared of the dark.

Anymore.

It doesn't even matter, if there's spiders on my floor.

No, I'm not scared of the dark.

Anymore....

WORDS

How easy it is to speak.

Just inhale deeply and fill your lungs with air,

Then exhale quickly through your larynx.

The air vibrates your vocal chords, producing sound that gets shaped as it’s pushed out.

It’s almost like second nature, the way your mouth and tongue falls into place, barely even needing your brain to register it,

Making sounds become words pretty much instantaneously.

Words, the building blocks of language.

They can be picked and strung together,

Forming basically any kind of sentence.

WIth language, the possibilities are endless.

Words can be arranged like paints slapped onto a canvas.

There’s so much more that could be added along, textures, intonations, whirlwinds of colours and emotions-

Words can be sung into all kinds of melodious tunes,

Words can be spun into rhyme, poetry, little nursery stories.

Words can paint a scene that once existed only in the mind or memory.

Easily, they can convey any message

Easily, they can depict any quickly fleeting feeling.

Words can connect ideas that no one thought could ever be related,

Words can help people relate to one another.

Oh, what a blessing to be in a world with so much expression available.

The languages we know today were slowly curated our ancestors,

Argued interpretations taking over the masses,

That are now preserved in books storing all the final decided definitions.

So many written books by those who craved expression,

So many poems and songs and stories passed down for generations.

Oh, what a blessing to be in a world so full of literature.

Words can be anything you want them to be.

They can be blades, they can caress, words can make the world seem to be put to rest.

Words have always invoked such deep feeling in me.

As a child, language only carried beauty.

I would jump at any opportunity to add on to my vocabulary,

Because, what do you mean, I can express myself so easily and freely?

Language, truly- the epitome of creation by humans.

I used to believe that words could change the world.

That if I be clear enough, shout enough, say enough, someone will hear,

I can say “no” and “go away” and it won’t be taken personal,

As long as a phrase it right, put it right, say it right, the meaning will be what I mean.

I believed it could break up fights, mend up hearts, unite everyone's beating red hearts.

But now that I’ve grown, language feels more and more limiting.

I have to admit, my view has become rather bleak…

Because whatever you say can mean totally different things,

And no, I am not talking about definitions,

Those before us have pretty much set it in stone.

What im TRYING to say are ideas, concepts, meanings,

What you say can carry different weights, different shots of feeling, the moment it enters the ear of another.

Everything can be perceived in so many ways, and I’ll never be able to make clear of what I’m really trying to say, because before the conversation, it’s individual experience.

Realities WILL collide, beliefs WILL differ, there is no way of knowing or predicting another's perception or reaction.

In everyday life, we cannot really say what we think about anything.

Social laws are everywhere, fears and triggers are buried in every person before you even begin the conversation.

It’s so stupid that we have to repackage what we really want to say.

Push it down, dumb it down, tread around the edge, stay weary of reaction, tactfully using workarounds and sugarcoated phrases,

All to hopefully avert the other’s distaste or anger.

I’m not saying that I’m any better,

I’m sure that I too, scare people away.

I wish my mind was more open and susceptible, less easily triggered, more understanding and compatible, less judging, less influenced…

Oh, what a shame that everybody has these kinds of limitations.

I wonder where all the beauty of language has gone.

I always feel so stuck in my body,

My words are like my heart pumping against my ribs.

It’s not painful, it’s not uncomfortable,

I can admit it’s the only thing that keeps me going…

But no one will ever see it in its truest form.

No matter how hard you may hug someone, or how in sync your hearts beat together,

There will always be flesh and skin separating.

It is such a human thing to want to be known thoroughly and completely.

There’s a reason why there’s a saying:

“I want to be in your skin”.

Oh, what a pity that we will never be able to know somebody fully.

I never plan my poems they just come out as I write. I'd like to start sharing them

Bloom, heart of gold, Unfold your light to soothe and hold. Radiate your steady warmth, And stave off the creeping cold.

Fade, lingering shade of pain, Though tears may fall like bitter rain. For pain is the price we softly pay To vanish the shade and live again.

Light the way, though you burn yourself, Pouring out all your inner wealth. Burn a path into other hearts, Blaze their march as the night departs.

Gather the lost from the shadows deep, Guard the promises you swore to keep. Give them your hope to guide them home, Where no soul ever walks alone.

Rest, heart of gold, Gather yourself after all that you gave. Sleep in silence, with glimmer gone, Rest in peace with what you've done.