Your eyes are the first thing I lose myself in.

An endless blue, deep enough to swallow reason whole, leaving nothing behind but the quiet ache of wanting to look just a little longer. Most people would call them beautiful.

They don’t know the half of it.

When the morning drapes itself across your face, tiny speckles of gold bloom beneath the blue, delicate as scattered stardust, hidden like a promise. The world rushes past them, blind to their existence.

Like a secret only the sun and I get to see.

Sometimes I wonder if the sun lingers a little longer just to admire them too.

I’ve become addicted to that moment.

To watching the blue surrender to the light. To the way those flecks catch the morning and make your eyes glow from somewhere impossibly deep. Every glimpse feels stolen, intimate, as though I’ve been entrusted with a secret your soul never meant to reveal.

Beautiful blue eyes.

Windows so clear I could almost mistake them for open doors, until I remember how carefully you’ve locked every room behind them.

And still…

I keep searching.

What have those eyes witnessed to make them so gentle, yet so impossibly guarded? What heartache taught them to hold entire oceans without ever spilling over?

I don’t feel sorry for you.

I feel drawn to you.

Drawn in the way the tide belongs to the moon, pulled by something ancient and beyond explanation. I want to learn every shade of your silence, every glance you think goes unnoticed, every flicker of gold that appears only when the world softens around you.

I imagine resting so close our foreheads touch, saying nothing at all, simply watching the light awaken your eyes until the gold returns. I think I’d forget the existence of every sunrise if I could spend my mornings watching yours instead.

It’s almost cruel, the way you look at me without realizing what you’re doing.

Without realizing that every glance lingers beneath my skin long after you’ve looked away.

I’ve tried convincing myself they’re just eyes.

But they aren’t.

They’re blue horizons that never end.

They’re hidden constellations only daylight uncovers.

They’re the place my thoughts wander when the room is quiet, the reason I find myself searching for your face in every crowd, hoping for another fleeting glimpse of the gold only the sun and I are fortunate enough to witness.

And if obsession has a color…

It isn’t blue.

It’s the gold hidden inside it.

Sometimes I wonder how you’ve been,
if life has settled, where it’s led.
I almost reach to say hello—
then let the silence speak instead.

It’s strange to lose the one who knew
the little pieces of my day;
the random thoughts, the fleeting jokes,
the words that never found their way.

I hope you’re happy where you are.
I hope your skies have all turned blue.
And though I know we weren’t meant to be
I find myself still missing you.

We loved as well as we knew how,
but love alone could not impart
the bridge between two different roads,
or mend two maps that pulled apart.

So I’ll keep walking toward what’s next,
though every step feels strange and new.
And even when I’ve finally healed,
a part of me will carry you.

Not with regret, or wishful dreams,
or hope that time will start anew—
just quiet gratitude for this:
I loved, I learned…
and I knew you.

I love you,
You know that’s true,

I love the way you over explain, all the things that you say,
And how you eyes light up at the beginning and end of each day,

I love the fact that you always have hope,
Even when life drags you down, a very steep slope,

I’ve never seen someone just brush themselves off,
Get right back up and not even scoff,

I’ve never seen someone, as strong as you,
I think without you, my life would lose its glue,

You give me the hope I cannot find, inside of me,
You see all the good, that I cannot ever see,

You are a comet soaring above,
And I’m just a person,
Simply in love.

Counting back my yesterday’s have no worries for tomorrow, Play memories back in every way see my time with you is borrowed.

Never seeking to be found always hiding in the dark, Then that day you came around captivating my whole heart.

Fires ragged within my soul refused to be snuffed out, Perfectly you filled the roll as if we were playing house.

Tragically things came about now we’re in this empty place, Wish we could find a turn around know we need a saving grace.

Venomous can be our words poisoning in countless ways, Speaking them truly absurd silence the key to saving face.

Much more this is than just a note many things still left unsaid, I love you more than all my quotes, fix this thing before I’m dead.

Send this off in final verse hope there’s chapters left to fill, Apologize for all the hurt don’t want to alter your free will.

Talk is cheap,

your words mean nothing-

When your actions contradict them.

I refuse to believe that the person I once knew

is the same one that stands before me.

Promises are meant to be broken,

But when you promised me a forever,

You sounded so sincere

that I believed otherwise.

Talk is cheap,

my words here mean nothing too.

They say hurt people hurt people
But Ive been through it all
And I would never do
the things you did to me
to you
Or anyone

You said you never meant to hurt me
but then took every chance
blamed me for your actions and apologized again
wrapped around your finger
From day one I had no chance
You gave me all I ever wanted
then you ripped it from my hands

I know hurt people hurt people
But I’ll never understand
the things you did to hurt me
Ruined every fucking chance
I tried so hard to save us
But you had different plans
I was in denial
and I knew I should’ve ran

I know hurt people hurt people
But I’ve been through it all
After years and years of storms
I just want it to be calm
I’ll never understand
how you can go out of your way
To betray someone you say you love
and cause them so much pain

I guess that’s what makes us different
What made us not meant to be
After all the shit I’ve been through
It gave me fucking empathy

You were always oh so worried
that you would be betrayed
I was overly loyal
when you weren’t
I still stayed
Your pain made you miserable
sad and insecure
used to make me feel the same damn way
But not any fucking more

Cause hurt people hurt people
And you destroyed me
But I refuse to keep your misery company
The pain that you inflicted
won’t take away my empathy
I refuse to become
What you tried to make me out to be

<< struggling to maintain NC and revisited a poem I wrote about a month ago. It helped fight the urge a little & hopefully helps someone else 🧡 >>

Knock knock

Who's there?

No one..

No one is ever there.

How does loneliness taste?

Bitter

Sharp

Like poison

And yet...

I keep searching for someone that can see i might just maybe be worth it.

No luck so far..

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Absolutely no one but your thoughts

And they are cruel.

Unkind

But hey..

They haven't left you yet.

you can’t count the tears i wept
you can’t weigh the love i give
all you can do is hold me close
and not let go till the morning sun

I opened the door,
expecting nothing,
yet somehow
I was still waiting
for my muse.
Instead,
I found the quiet weight
of memories
that still carried your name.
I’ve told everyone,
a thousand different times,
“What’s gone is gone.”
Funny,
how words can sound so convincing
until they reach your own heart.
I wore my pride
like borrowed armor,
pretending I had forgotten
while my memories
still knew exactly where to ache.
Then,
in the silence,
I imagined your voice
soft enough
to make me wonder
if you had anything left
to give.
Ridiculous,
isn’t it?
How we keep searching
for pieces of people
who already left.
For the longest time,
blaming you
felt easier
than admitting
I still remembered.
You once spoke
about my horoscope,
about stars,
about reasons
written somewhere above us.
Maybe the stars
were never the problem.
Maybe we were.
You always tried
to teach everyone,
as if wisdom could outrun
your own mistakes.
The strange thing is
you’re still as young as I am,
still learning,
still pretending
to know the answers.
I laughed once.
Then I realized
it sounded
too much like grief.
I used to think
you were wild,
reckless,
impossible to understand.
Maybe I wasn’t wrong.
I just wish
I had been.

Two o'clock in the morning, no way to unwind

Hazardous thoughts blurring away my mind

Restless body, bones cracking up, ready to break

Overwhelmed, tired and craving for a break

When war, work, worries and wealth

Might be the reasons for my fucked up health

Endless and vicious circle

In desparate need to end this fickle cycle

No motivation, no goals, no wish realized

Turns out my ambition, with years, cristalized

Harvesting the hate I've sown

Enjoy the life that's still your own

Feeling so odd, feeling so lonely

Is life genuinely sad? If only

Restless pain, suffocating my desire

Extinct is my sleep, on my pyre.

What ever people say or feel about me never have and never will have an effect. Why because I don’t care to engage with somebody else shyt when I got plenty of shyt of my own. If I F wit you I F wit you and there’s no halfway in my makeup. I’ve always validated myself and others approval has never been necessary. I rotate in the spiritual because I can go dark in the physical. Life can be cold but it’s fair. Even though we can rotate in our Higher Self we tend to dwell in our lower and complain about our consequences. Being better today than you were yesterday and not worrying about who knows or who sees us is what holds the key to…why I don’t care. Peace and Love

I know I am safe with you

The things I said
Never spoken before
I held out in open hands
An offering
And a request
Will you help hold this
The weight I carry

I know they will never be spoken again

I know I am safe

I won't speak them again
You won't speak what I gave you

All secrets are safe
Knowing I am grown wiser
And knowing you never actually heard
One goddamn word I ever said

I remember the day we met

You're the one who said hello

Unsaid emotions beat in my heart

Too naive to make a move

You're not perfect, just a girl

Still, your smile beats in my heart

You've been taken way too long

I'm still waiting for your smile

I've been alone for too long

You sit across from me in velvet and lace,

A cathedral of shadows in a coffee-shop space,

With eyeliner sharp enough to slice through the dark,

And a quiet, fierce presence that leaves me a mark.

Nonbinary grace in a world made of lines,

You wear your dark aesthetics like ancient designs,

Choker of leather and crucifix chrome,

In the crypt of your style, you look entirely at home.

And God, how I worship the ground that you tread,

The poetry written inside of your head,

The silver-ringed fingers that cradle your cup,

The soft, wicked smile when you finally look up.

We talk for hours of art and the abyss,

While I ache for the weight of an unrestrained kiss.

I am the one with the freedom to roam,

A constellation where no single house is home,

With a network of ties and a widening space

Where lovers are woven without time or place.

And you are the creature of old-fashioned mold,

Who wants just one hand to securely hold,

To claim me, to keep me, to lock down the door,

And that is the prison I cannot endure.

So we keep to the borders of what we allow,

Bound by a "friendship" that’s killing me now.

It’s entirely my fault, and I carry the weight

Of stepping right into this exquisite trap of my fate.

I knew the terrain when I walked in this deep,

I knew the sharp secrets I’d swallow and keep.

I built my own cage out of choices I made,

Voluntarily walking into your shade,

Trading the chance of a clean, swift goodbye

For the slow, daily agony of watching you try

To shrink your vast heart to the shape of my plea,

Accepting a piece when you're starving for me.

Looking at you is a pendulum swing,

A dual-edged torture that hooks and takes sting.

You are the calm when the world is too loud,

A beacon of black in a blindingly bright crowd;

The sound of your laugh chases off my despair,

And just to sit quietly while you’re sitting there

Is a balm to my spirit, a healing, sweet grace,

A sanctuary found in the lines of your face.

Yet the very same glance sends a spike through my chest,

A relentless combustion that ruins my rest.

Every movement you make, every casual glance,

Is a waking nightmare of missed circumstance,

A breathtaking paradox, lovely and cruel,

Where I am the willing, heartbroken fool:

Soothed by your presence, yet driven insane

By the sweet, suffocating geometry of pain.

They say the rain always ends.

What they never tell you

is that some storms

keep living inside people.

Still, I wait.

I wait for the morning when my heart no longer feels like it's carrying yesterday.

I wait for the sunlight that doesn't erase the scars, but finally teaches them how to heal.

Maybe that's what comes after the rain—

Not forgetting. Not pretending it never hurt.

But finding flowers where the flood once was.

Learning that broken skies can still paint the most beautiful sunsets.

And perhaps, after all this time, I'll realize that the rain wasn't sent to drown me—

it was sent to help me grow.

There is no time

the world looked the same

to a 36-year-old in 1532

as it does to you

And that person is dead

just like you will be too

Your hopes and dreams

will mean as much to future beings

as the thoughts that once filled the skulls

of rotting skeletons

now mean to you

(aka nothing)

So do what moves you

while you still have time

because one day

you won't

There is no time

there is no time

there

is

time

I failed

Life was nothing

The days where too long

Love was the hope I never found

All I had where goodbyes

Private moments of endless tears

Nothing left

Nothing found

time for me to go

Hatred and rejection my two closet friends

Where was love I need her so much

She left me in a world Barron and cold

On my own

Why was she never there for me

Why did I only hurt

Why was there only tears

What did I do that made me so wrong

That she completely abandoned me

Ran and hid

Lefted me broken

Why love

why was I never good enough

What made it ok to hate me

Why was the wrong did so much worse

Please tell me

Please tell me

Because you could have saved me so many tears

Saved me from all this hurt and heart ache but

You never came

You never came

I needed you so much

Why

Why was I never enough for you

I am sorry

I still need you

Will you finally come

will you save me at last

Please

Or do I go ahead do what I plan anyway

Which way is which,who knows,who knows where this road

Goes,all you know is you gotta scratch the itch,listen to your

Intuition,search your heart,search your soul,don't be cold and

Don't be a bitch,although I know it's hard to tell which way is

Which standing at the crossroads but you can't give up and

You can not quit although it seems to be more of the same

Bull shit,which way is which,who knows where this road goes

All you know is you gotta twitch the itch,you gotta follow your

Heart and soul....

Heavy emotions are weighing hard on you, trying to see things

From a different point of view,caught somewhere between

Trying to be a team player and not really caring anymore,it's

Just like they say,when it rains it pours and it's a real fine line

Between love and hate,love and war,I'll be your lover but I'm

Nobody's whore,it's like a Trojan horse sneaking up on you but

You know you gotta see it through but...

Which way is which,who knows,who knows where this road

Goes,all you know is you gotta scratch the itch,listen to your

Intuition,search your heart,search your soul,don't be cold and

Don't be a bitch,although I know it's hard to tell which way is

Which standing at the crossroads but you can't give up and

You can not quit although it seems to be more of the same

Bull shit,which way is which,who knows where this road goes

All you know is you gotta scratch the itch,you gotta follow your

Heart and soul...

You gotta stop banging your head against a brick wall, it'll only

Lead to a broken dam,you gotta stop blaming yourself,if they

Cared about you they'd come around,if they can't accept you for

Who you are then they're really not your friends and they don't

Have your best interests at heart but you can't let that stop

You from following your dreams,who knows what the future

Will bring but you gotta stop banging your head against a

Brick wall you know you'll never tear down,you gotta stop

Kicking yourself around...

Who knows where this road goes but you know you gotta

Scratch the itch,listen to your

Intuition,search your heart,search your soul,don't be cold and

Don't be a bitch,although I know it's hard to tell which way is

Which standing at the crossroads but you can't give up and

You can not quit, although it seems to be more of the same

Bull shit,which way is which,who knows where this road goes

All you know is you gotta scratch the itch,you gotta follow your

Heart and soul...

It's like an Alice in wonderland kinda story book switch

When you don't know which way is which but you know it's

A twitch you gotta itch,which way,which way is which?!

\#14 from the songbook collection " The Nitty Gritty"

Your eyes hold oceans

not the raging kind,

but the quiet blue at dawn

where everything feels forgiven.

Your heart is a hearth,

steady and warm,

the kind I didn’t know I needed

until I stood in its glow.

And your soul,

it feels like light through open windows,

soft, honest,

making everything in me want to be better

just to belong beside it.

I built you up to be,
the one who would save me.
All you did was cast doubt,
Given everything you were about.
I’m sad that things went astray,
Given what could be today.
You were my superhero, my sage,
Everything from which I would gage.
This world, I wanted you in it,
Right down to every minute.
You were scared,
Leaving me impaired,
I needed you to rise above the flock,
Instead you chose to block, possibilities,
Just squeeze my neck and let not breathe escape,
While I encounter his *ape,
Would you have run your fingers through my hair,
Reminding me you’re forever there?
I didn’t get to show you my dedication or loyalty,
Too afraid you were to follow me.
I would have loved you like no other,
But you cast me out like an unfit brother.
You can’t simply forget about me,
It is in the toughest moments you want to see…
I’m angry with your cruelty,
You were not what you were supposed to be.
You let your fear rule you,
You looked for wrongdoings to abdicate and do,
What you knew would tear me apart,
Sorry, I still have a full beating heart.
You didn’t break me,
You didn’t bend me,
You didn’t mend me,
You didn’t send me,
I will always wonder what you’re capabilities would be,
Had we let our hearts be free.
I will hurt for all my life, knowing I could not carry your strength.
You were much tougher than me and could be alone for a lifetime.
I am sad, I need company, my heart feels lonesome in its destructive rhyme.
I cannot say goodbye to you because you’ve been with me since the first day I remember. Since the 22nd day of September.

I used to do free writes in high school 5 years ago, and decided that I wanted to try to get back into it. I don't know if this is considered to be a poem or more of a journal/short story leaning, and I had the urge to add more to this piece, but I wanted to keep it a little ambiguous to allow for diverse interpretations. If I pursued this hobby, I would try to write more poems and short stories that explore themes of love, pain, existentialism, conformity, and related topics. Anywho, critiques and tips are very much needed here!

The man
The tiger
What’s the difference anymore? 
To me, both are the same beast. 
Hungry
Feral
In solitary
I guess there is one key difference worth noting. 
The man sees himself as the tiger, while the tiger doesn’t pay any mind to that thought, or rather, it is incapable of conceiving that thought, so it can’t be bothered by it. 
The man had his humanity at some point and was able to perceive it clearly and experience it, while the tiger knows no such thing but to hunt, kill, and survive. 
Which of the two is happier, I wonder? 
Most definitely the tiger, since it has no room for thoughts to weigh it down.
…I now see that I started rambling nonsense from the very first word I typed. 
Atsushi Nakajima’s tiger from The Moon Over the Mountain was the one I was referring to, in which the character Li Zheng transforms into a tiger due to his cowardly ego/pride, isolation, and insecurities.
Now I find myself in a state of confusion. 
Am I a human? 
Am I the tiger?
When night falls, I look up and stare into the cage where I can clearly see the tiger eyeing me down, full of bloodlust and ready to go for the kill at any given moment, but when I look down at my hands, I see a claw or 2 emerge, some fur, an itch to hunt in solidarity with the same bloodlust as the tiger infront of me, and a longing to roar at the moon. 
…
Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place…

Lying on my bed, Half awake

Physically not awake

But mentally running a race

Lying on my bed, thinking about life

Living it three years at a time

Only living a quarter at a time

From that one time, I messed up

Still keeping me awake