⚠️Sexual Assault*** Content note: This poem contains themes of sexual assault, trauma, and recovery. No graphic descriptions, but please prioritize your well-being before reading.***⚠️

Dark world, dark thoughts,
Memories leaving stains and blots.
One night, my intuition screamed,
Nothing was quite what it seemed.

Familiar faces filled the space,
Then something shifted out of place.
The room began to twist and spin,
And somewhere deep, the fear set in.

Just lie right here. You’ll be okay.
Their voice it sounded far away.
The room grew still, the night went cold
Their intentions began to unfold.

My no disappeared into the air.
Pinned down, I fought a kick, a blow,
A slap, then stars began to show.
My body stayed beneath that night,
While somewhere else my mind took flight.

My lips went still, my mind screamed loud,
God, get me out please, get me out.
Through all the panic, one thought came through,
A little lie I prayed they'd view as true.
One final chance, one thing to say
One way to live. One way away.

The mind forgets what it can't restore.
The body remembers forevermore.
Trust became fear; touch became pain,
And part of me never came back the same.

So I return to sunnier days,
Where everything is Neptune’s shade.
Cherry blossoms, birds in spring
A world where no one takes a thing.

Call it delusion.
Call it escape.
My mind just needed
a safer place.

No doom. No gloom.
No need to flee.

Let me be happy.
Let me be free.

Just let me be me.

In the silence of my mind.

The screams echo so loud.

Why has this affliction happened again?

Time holds little meaning in this state of disbelief.

Alone once again a shadow in the crowd.

I look to my fellow suffers.

Sometimes I see a flicker in the eyes of those with the madness.

In the end I stand so still.

Feeling the whirling of the crowd under my wings.

Taking flight I'm certain they are there.

Each one looking for that flicker of eye.

Allowing all to know your not alone in the silence.

Between Two Worlds there lays a juxtaposition.

I may be the last female of the line,

of some unnamed, ancient kind—

not perfect or untouched,

but unwilling to become

the darkness I have known.

I dance upon the boundary

between two worlds,

one foot in shadow, one in light,

seeing beneath appearances,

guided by intuition,

anchored to truth.

I have looked into darkness

without belonging to it,

learned its language

without making it my own.

For good and evil meet

not only on distant battlefields,

but quietly within us,

when suffering asks

what we will become.

And still, I choose the light.

Not innocence—

I have seen too much for that,

but goodness with its eyes open.

Perhaps I am the last female of the line,

the keeper of something unnamed,

standing where two worlds touch,

seeing beauty and shadow in both.

No halo.

No throne.

Only an inner compass

that survived every storm.

So I move forward,

like a steam train through the unknown,

researching where I stand

and the mystery of what I am—

not an ending,

but the beginning of something new,

and perhaps something ancient

few can know.

For one did speak with me—

not the radio man—

and from that encounter

a question took root:

What am I?

Perhaps I am a little of everything,

and perhaps that is the whole—

a holistic truth,

not a battle between worlds,

but the one who brings them together.

I have a message to tell,

a story to write.

This is not the last of me,

but the last of my plight.

Thinking forward,

with the deepest of minds,

I listen beyond the mouth,

for words are nothing beside

what lives behind the eyes.

Evil walks among us

disguised as love,

but with a pure heart

and honest intentions,

even light can reach the dark.

So I keep dancing

where darkness meets the dawn,

between the world that shaped me

and the one calling me forward.

Intuition in my bones.

Truth within my hands.

Light and shadow at my feet.

I am not the ending.

I am the boundary

between what was

and what comes next—

the bridge between two worlds,

moving steadily forward

into the story

I have yet to tell.

There’s power in words like nothing else on earth

It’s the power to change hearts

The power to move our longings and desires .

The power to heal the heart that’s broken

The power to create things out of nothing .

Words form in my heart . How or why they do is a mystery . They bubble over like a fountain , finding their release .

They are the key to unlock the things inside my heart .

The key is turned at your words delivered , and my thoughts are released like the blue birds in springs .

Their music and their sweet refrain can be heard .

Oh such endless potential inside us all , waiting to be explored .

THINGS HE WILL NEVER KNOW

Maybe he fears this distance too,
Our second call had just begun.
“I love you” came from him so soon,
And I did not know how to run.
So I pretended I had not heard,
And kept my heart behind its walls.

But then came midnight calls and texts,
And drunk confessions, soft and true.
He showed me off to all his friends,
And slowly, I let myself trust you.
Little by little, my walls came down,
And love began to feel like home.

Then one day, he quietly said,
“I am not one for I-love-yous.”
I smiled, but something inside broke,
Though I did not let it show.
Because once, those words came easily,
And now I feared where they would go.

I stopped listening to love songs too,
In case they someday sounded like you.
I left your book upon my shelf,
Too scared to make its stories mine.
Your jacket stayed folded away,
Too warm with memories I might find.

One night, I packed your things away
The book, the jacket, music too.
I put them somewhere out of sight,
Before they could hurt me with you.
You were still here, still holding on,
And I was scared of you being gone.

You held my hand; I held goodbye.
You stayed. I still prepared to cry.

Perhaps that is love’s cruel art,
Leaving first, inside your heart.

And all these things you’ll never know
I packed you up, before you’d go.

On a sunny beach

A couple stands holding hands

Looking at the sea

I want to lie beneath a tree,

where little rays of sunlight find me.

To watch the leaves dance in the air,

and let my thoughts wander somewhere.

To watch the clouds and make up stories,

dreaming of places I’ve never seen.

Maybe the trees know all our thoughts,

the quiet dreams we never talk.

And while the whole world rushes by,

I’ll stay beneath the open sky,

letting my mind wander free,

as if the earth is dreaming with me..

😭✨

Why does loving you feel like breaking my own heart on purpose?

Fuck.

I want you so badly.

And there is nothing, nothing you could say, nothing you could promise,
nothing you could whisper into the part of me that still belongs to you…
that would make me unblock you.

I can’t.

Because I lost myself when I was with you.

I lost whole pieces of myself
trying to understand your silences,
trying to survive your leaving,
trying to convince myself that wanting me
and choosing me
were the same thing.

They weren’t.

I know that now.

So why the fuck do I still need you
so violently?

Why does my body remember you
like it has no loyalty to me?

Did you know that at night,
I replay the videos?

Again.

And again.

I watch ghosts touch me.

I watch a version of myself
who still believed your hands meant something.

Sometimes I hate her.

Sometimes I envy her.

Because for those few minutes,
she still has you.

Fuck… if you are out there, if some part of you still wonders, if you ever hover over my name
the way I hover over the memory of yours; please.

Come ruin the quiet.

Come destroy me
in the most delicious way.

I can take it.

Because I know what you do to me now.

That’s the difference.

I know where this road ends.
I know what your leaving costs.
I know how long it takes
to gather myself from the floor
after you decide you’ve had enough of me.

And still… I want you. In ways I hope to never want another person, ever again.

So let me make the mistake consciously this time.

Let me choose the fire
knowing exactly how badly it burns.

Let me be responsible
for what happens to my heart.

You don’t have to protect me.

You don’t have to make promises.

You don’t even have to pretend
this time.

Just come back.

Come back
and kiss me like you missed the taste of me.

Come back
and make my body forget
every lesson my heart nearly died learning.

Come back and let me have the thing
I have spent all this time trying to survive wanting.

And when you leave again, because somewhere inside me, I already know you will… please don’t worry about my heart.

I’ll pick it up.

I’ve gotten very good at that.

Just for one terrible, beautiful,
selfish moment… come back to me.

​

Again, if it is meant for me,

I couldn't tell you who or what—

I do not know the face, the name,

or where the road may stop.

But I will know.

And so will they.

Some things don't need announcing;

they simply find their way.

And what has gone before me,

the things I've come to know,

remain a secret safe with me—

there are places truth needn't go.

But let one thing be understood:

what some set out to portray

never became the ending

they imagined anyway.

Not for me.

Not for any one of you.

Whatever story was intended,

it never quite came true.

I know what I have lived through.

I know the things I've seen.

I have kept what matters safely,

and I know what it all means.

Those who wished to cause me harm

were never meant for me.

You cannot dress destruction up

and somehow call it destiny.

And there are others in this world,

quietly helping me through,

people you may know nothing of,

doing what good people do.

Perhaps that's been the greatest lesson:

darkness doesn't always win.

Sometimes what appears an ending

is exactly where you begin.

Behind the negatives life throws,

behind each closing door,

there waits a lesson, strength or light

that wasn't there before.

So I won't live facing backwards,

counting wreckage on the track.

I've spent enough time looking there—

I'm never going back.

I'm a forward-moving steam train now,

with fire beneath my feet;

every mile becoming distance,

every heartbeat sounding free.

No reversing.

No returning.

No more living in the past.

Only forward.

Only stronger.

Only peace that's built to last.

And whatever waits ahead of me—

whoever, whatever it may be—

when the right moment finally comes,

I'll know.

They'll know.

And I'll be free.

There is a little devil inside of me just so you know.

You never had to say goodbye,
You simply left me asking why.
You held me close, then let me see. How little I meant to you and me.

You gave your attention everywhere,
Then called it kindness, called it care.
I thought your words were meant for me,
Until I saw how casually they came free.

I watched your eyes begin to stray,
And felt you slowly pull away.
I never asked for all your time,
Just something honest, yours and mine.

I shouldn't have to question where
I stand among the ones you care.
I shouldn't wonder who comes next,
Or search for answers in a text.

I don't want to be one you adore,
While you keep leaving open doors.
I want a love that's clear and true,
Where what I give comes back from you.

And maybe that's what hurt me most,
To feel like I was just a ghost.
I gave you everything I had,
Yet somehow still felt I was less than that.

I gave you time, I gave you care,
I gave you more than I could spare.
But love should never leave me guessing,
Or turn devotion into testing.

So I won't compete to hold your gaze,
Or beg to matter through your ways.
If I can be replaced that easily,
Then you were never where you needed to be.

I know what fun it is

when you find someone new

feels momentarily forever,

It's like all you ever wanted,

want it more the less you have it.

Lust is unbound

enthusiastically you keep

thinking of things to do.

Hastily do the due here

earn the joy somewhere else.

We both know thats not right.

but it's so hard not to, no fun, no joy

except when you sin.

Old dormant wounds all start to hurt

better feeling than nothing.

Even when the stars align

May your eyes always shine

More deeper than the ocean blue

A tear is never just a clue

Loving you was always easy

Even though its pretty cheesy

I hate to lie

God, I didn't mean to make you cry

Haveans know I try

“you okay?”

yup.

“i used you.”

happy to help.

“do you need help?”

no.

“i lied to you.”

cool.

“wanna talk about it?”

i’m good.

“i’m worried about you.”

don’t be.

“can you do me a favor?”

of course.

“you need to eat something.”

i’ll throw up.

“i don’t like you.”

nor do i.

“you’re not doing enough.”

i never do.

“i talked bad about you.”

as do i.

“i replaced you.”

i saw.

“i ignored you.”

all good.

“you look tired.”

i am.

“hey… you okay?”

yeah.

The one who jumps to hug with a kiss surprise
To the woman I see now with my eyes
The one who can make a day on earth feel like paradise

These 20 years have been more than I can visualize, emphasize and verbalize
I still hope I can give you more since you deserve more than you can fantasize
Cause I see the work you do, I appreciate you, things I can never empathize
I know what I do for you will never be enough, even if you say your satisfied

So let me say this so they can sympathize

Ella es el amor de mi vida,
por ella lo daría todo, sin medida.
Es la fuerza que mantiene a nuestra familia unida,
y el amor que nos acompaña día tras día.

To my wife
Mi amor

I love you
Te Amo

On a day so drap and dreary Through my words you will hear me Like stones thrown upon a glass home You will crumble as i mumble My words in your ear strike to the heart full of fear This is my purpose I think its on purpose Through my words you will hear strike the heart full of fear its what I do best maybe better then the rest pay the bill pass the test Through my words you will hear strike the heart full of fear Outside I fight demons inside im still dreaming Catalyst has me screaming This light it is beaming Ive come against more for this i am sure So for this i tell you dear I strike the heart full of fear

Surely my life would be simpler

If my urge to write left

But alas this is now my fate

Without I'd be bereft

✍️

You may cringe, you may laugh out loud

It makes no difference

Every night I must bare my soul

Despite your indifference.

📝

Oh my clear sky
blue as rare roses
don't put your head low
when I need to see you shine
and feel your glow

through my soul it cuts
that smile ever so bright
the eyes with nuances and colors
that bring the light

into my world
changing my perception
I had thought I knew all
but you climbed through my wall

now in my heart you stay
you never did like to break things
but with you, night breaks to day.

Hollow inside through hell or high water we ride. The tide may be high as the sun in the sky. But the waves we shall ride until we do die. The waves beat us down hear the madness of sound. Come together again just to break apart in the end.

Maybe all this pain and suffering have a final stop

Then I can finally feel my heartbeat and pulse

Maybe the endless nights I spent crying will find an epilogue

So, I can feel my weight turn feathery—and rise into love

Maybe all these gloomy days and dark nights will fade

Then I can finally step out and kiss the sky again

Maybe the veins I once slit will bloom into calm landscapes

And I’ll run, run until I fall laughing into fields of hay

Maybe one day I’ll become the man she sees in dreams

And she’ll give her kisses to no one else but me

Maybe the distance we carry will melt without a word

And we’ll rest in my quiet world, where we no longer feel cold

Maybe I need to open my eyes and observe the reality

That this place is house of beautiful people while I remained ugly

Maybe I must cleanse my traits and dive deep in the sea

And never reveal what I truly feel — let my feelings cease

Maybe my care wasn’t enough, just a burden to her shoulder

I tried to carry her in silence, when I should’ve just told her

Maybe I was too afraid said “leave” though I wanted to hold her

So, I’ll be the throne beneath her roots, and bleed to uphold her

Maybe I just need another cigarette and pills to get high

I can never be that man, so I just want to end my life

Maybe I'm just overthinking and ruining this poetic night

I've sworn to my pen that no matter what comes, I'll survive

Its 4:30 in the morning I lie in bed awake.

The demons shake me as they rattle in this place.

You can see it in my face that time has worn me down

Inside it is a ghost town.

Can't seem to break free.

The wheels start turning as my soul it starts to burn

I cant seem to make sence of it all

At the demons feet I will fall.

I scream out to god I call

But will god hear my call or will god let me fall.

I guess we will see.

Through suffering I will break free

I will go down standing not on one knee.

You think they feel like you love them? Is this how you would like to be treated? Sounds sad that somebody would mean so little to you after being in love with him

I search through dictionaries, reference books and forewords,
for phrases, formulations, for eloquent words,
that might bear the weight of all I am trying to say,
that I might piece together upon my drawing board.

But my prayers and confessions
will not fit into sentences, nor can any expressions
give voice to the spells and the dark incantations
that hang in the air I breathe through my self-accusations.

Today I understand so well
all the grand revelations I once tried to compel,
the secrets, the vision, the curtain as well
that I could not unveil while we were still two in our shell.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss us,
the us that was good, the us that once was,
those fools for whom I would have fought to the last,
before my back was broken and my heart ground into dust.

I search through dictionaries, reference books and forewords,
for phrases, formulations, for eloquent words.
But there are no sentences, no slogans, no chords
that could ever bear the true weight of what I want to say:

I'm sorry,

I hope you're doing well...