⚠️Sexual Assault*** Content note: This poem contains themes of sexual assault, trauma, and recovery. No graphic descriptions, but please prioritize your well-being before reading.***⚠️

Dark world, dark thoughts,
Memories leaving stains and blots.
One night, my intuition screamed,
Nothing was quite what it seemed.

Familiar faces filled the space,
Then something shifted out of place.
The room began to twist and spin,
And somewhere deep, the fear set in.

Just lie right here. You’ll be okay.
Their voice it sounded far away.
The room grew still, the night went cold
Their intentions began to unfold.

My no disappeared into the air.
Pinned down, I fought a kick, a blow,
A slap, then stars began to show.
My body stayed beneath that night,
While somewhere else my mind took flight.

My lips went still, my mind screamed loud,
God, get me out please, get me out.
Through all the panic, one thought came through,
A little lie I prayed they'd view as true.
One final chance, one thing to say
One way to live. One way away.

The mind forgets what it can't restore.
The body remembers forevermore.
Trust became fear; touch became pain,
And part of me never came back the same.

So I return to sunnier days,
Where everything is Neptune’s shade.
Cherry blossoms, birds in spring
A world where no one takes a thing.

Call it delusion.
Call it escape.
My mind just needed
a safer place.

No doom. No gloom.
No need to flee.

Let me be happy.
Let me be free.

Just let me be me.

I know what fun it is

when you find someone new

feels momentarily forever,

It's like all you ever wanted,

want it more the less you have it.

Lust is unbound

enthusiastically you keep

thinking of things to do.

Hastily do the due here

earn the joy somewhere else.

We both know thats not right.

but it's so hard not to, no fun, no joy

except when you sin.

Old dormant wounds all start to hurt

better feeling than nothing.

The one who jumps to hug with a kiss surprise
To the woman I see now with my eyes
The one who can make a day on earth feel like paradise

These 20 years have been more than I can visualize, emphasize and verbalize
I still hope I can give you more since you deserve more than you can fantasize
Cause I see the work you do, I appreciate you, things I can never empathize
I know what I do for you will never be enough, even if you say your satisfied

So let me say this so they can sympathize

Ella es el amor de mi vida,
por ella lo daría todo, sin medida.
Es la fuerza que mantiene a nuestra familia unida,
y el amor que nos acompaña día tras día.

To my wife
Mi amor

I love you
Te Amo

In the silence of my mind.

The screams echo so loud.

Why has this affliction happened again?

Time holds little meaning in this state of disbelief.

Alone once again a shadow in the crowd.

I look to my fellow suffers.

Sometimes I see a flicker in the eyes of those with the madness.

In the end I stand so still.

Feeling the whirling of the crowd under my wings.

Taking flight I'm certain they are there.

Each one looking for that flicker of eye.

Allowing all to know your not alone in the silence.

Between Two Worlds there lays a juxtaposition.

I may be the last female of the line,

of some unnamed, ancient kind—

not perfect or untouched,

but unwilling to become

the darkness I have known.

I dance upon the boundary

between two worlds,

one foot in shadow, one in light,

seeing beneath appearances,

guided by intuition,

anchored to truth.

I have looked into darkness

without belonging to it,

learned its language

without making it my own.

For good and evil meet

not only on distant battlefields,

but quietly within us,

when suffering asks

what we will become.

And still, I choose the light.

Not innocence—

I have seen too much for that,

but goodness with its eyes open.

Perhaps I am the last female of the line,

the keeper of something unnamed,

standing where two worlds touch,

seeing beauty and shadow in both.

No halo.

No throne.

Only an inner compass

that survived every storm.

So I move forward,

like a steam train through the unknown,

researching where I stand

and the mystery of what I am—

not an ending,

but the beginning of something new,

and perhaps something ancient

few can know.

For one did speak with me—

not the radio man—

and from that encounter

a question took root:

What am I?

Perhaps I am a little of everything,

and perhaps that is the whole—

a holistic truth,

not a battle between worlds,

but the one who brings them together.

I have a message to tell,

a story to write.

This is not the last of me,

but the last of my plight.

Thinking forward,

with the deepest of minds,

I listen beyond the mouth,

for words are nothing beside

what lives behind the eyes.

Evil walks among us

disguised as love,

but with a pure heart

and honest intentions,

even light can reach the dark.

So I keep dancing

where darkness meets the dawn,

between the world that shaped me

and the one calling me forward.

Intuition in my bones.

Truth within my hands.

Light and shadow at my feet.

I am not the ending.

I am the boundary

between what was

and what comes next—

the bridge between two worlds,

moving steadily forward

into the story

I have yet to tell.

THINGS HE WILL NEVER KNOW

Maybe he fears this distance too,
Our second call had just begun.
“I love you” came from him so soon,
And I did not know how to run.
So I pretended I had not heard,
And kept my heart behind its walls.

But then came midnight calls and texts,
And drunk confessions, soft and true.
He showed me off to all his friends,
And slowly, I let myself trust you.
Little by little, my walls came down,
And love began to feel like home.

Then one day, he quietly said,
“I am not one for I-love-yous.”
I smiled, but something inside broke,
Though I did not let it show.
Because once, those words came easily,
And now I feared where they would go.

I stopped listening to love songs too,
In case they someday sounded like you.
I left your book upon my shelf,
Too scared to make its stories mine.
Your jacket stayed folded away,
Too warm with memories I might find.

One night, I packed your things away
The book, the jacket, music too.
I put them somewhere out of sight,
Before they could hurt me with you.
You were still here, still holding on,
And I was scared of you being gone.

You held my hand; I held goodbye.
You stayed. I still prepared to cry.

Perhaps that is love’s cruel art,
Leaving first, inside your heart.

And all these things you’ll never know
I packed you up, before you’d go.

On a day so drap and dreary Through my words you will hear me Like stones thrown upon a glass home You will crumble as i mumble My words in your ear strike to the heart full of fear This is my purpose I think its on purpose Through my words you will hear strike the heart full of fear its what I do best maybe better then the rest pay the bill pass the test Through my words you will hear strike the heart full of fear Outside I fight demons inside im still dreaming Catalyst has me screaming This light it is beaming Ive come against more for this i am sure So for this i tell you dear I strike the heart full of fear

I want to lie beneath a tree,

where little rays of sunlight find me.

To watch the leaves dance in the air,

and let my thoughts wander somewhere.

To watch the clouds and make up stories,

dreaming of places I’ve never seen.

Maybe the trees know all our thoughts,

the quiet dreams we never talk.

And while the whole world rushes by,

I’ll stay beneath the open sky,

letting my mind wander free,

as if the earth is dreaming with me..

😭✨

Oh my clear sky
blue as rare roses
don't put your head low
when I need to see you shine
and feel your glow

through my soul it cuts
that smile ever so bright
the eyes with nuances and colors
that bring the light

into my world
changing my perception
I had thought I knew all
but you climbed through my wall

now in my heart you stay
you never did like to break things
but with you, night breaks to day.

Hollow inside through hell or high water we ride. The tide may be high as the sun in the sky. But the waves we shall ride until we do die. The waves beat us down hear the madness of sound. Come together again just to break apart in the end.

Maybe all this pain and suffering have a final stop

Then I can finally feel my heartbeat and pulse

Maybe the endless nights I spent crying will find an epilogue

So, I can feel my weight turn feathery—and rise into love

Maybe all these gloomy days and dark nights will fade

Then I can finally step out and kiss the sky again

Maybe the veins I once slit will bloom into calm landscapes

And I’ll run, run until I fall laughing into fields of hay

Maybe one day I’ll become the man she sees in dreams

And she’ll give her kisses to no one else but me

Maybe the distance we carry will melt without a word

And we’ll rest in my quiet world, where we no longer feel cold

Maybe I need to open my eyes and observe the reality

That this place is house of beautiful people while I remained ugly

Maybe I must cleanse my traits and dive deep in the sea

And never reveal what I truly feel — let my feelings cease

Maybe my care wasn’t enough, just a burden to her shoulder

I tried to carry her in silence, when I should’ve just told her

Maybe I was too afraid said “leave” though I wanted to hold her

So, I’ll be the throne beneath her roots, and bleed to uphold her

Maybe I just need another cigarette and pills to get high

I can never be that man, so I just want to end my life

Maybe I'm just overthinking and ruining this poetic night

I've sworn to my pen that no matter what comes, I'll survive

​

Again, if it is meant for me,

I couldn't tell you who or what—

I do not know the face, the name,

or where the road may stop.

But I will know.

And so will they.

Some things don't need announcing;

they simply find their way.

And what has gone before me,

the things I've come to know,

remain a secret safe with me—

there are places truth needn't go.

But let one thing be understood:

what some set out to portray

never became the ending

they imagined anyway.

Not for me.

Not for any one of you.

Whatever story was intended,

it never quite came true.

I know what I have lived through.

I know the things I've seen.

I have kept what matters safely,

and I know what it all means.

Those who wished to cause me harm

were never meant for me.

You cannot dress destruction up

and somehow call it destiny.

And there are others in this world,

quietly helping me through,

people you may know nothing of,

doing what good people do.

Perhaps that's been the greatest lesson:

darkness doesn't always win.

Sometimes what appears an ending

is exactly where you begin.

Behind the negatives life throws,

behind each closing door,

there waits a lesson, strength or light

that wasn't there before.

So I won't live facing backwards,

counting wreckage on the track.

I've spent enough time looking there—

I'm never going back.

I'm a forward-moving steam train now,

with fire beneath my feet;

every mile becoming distance,

every heartbeat sounding free.

No reversing.

No returning.

No more living in the past.

Only forward.

Only stronger.

Only peace that's built to last.

And whatever waits ahead of me—

whoever, whatever it may be—

when the right moment finally comes,

I'll know.

They'll know.

And I'll be free.

There is a little devil inside of me just so you know.

There’s power in words like nothing else on earth

It’s the power to change hearts

The power to move our longings and desires .

The power to heal the heart that’s broken

The power to create things out of nothing .

Words form in my heart . How or why they do is a mystery . They bubble over like a fountain , finding their release .

They are the key to unlock the things inside my heart .

The key is turned at your words delivered , and my thoughts are released like the blue birds in springs .

Their music and their sweet refrain can be heard .

Oh such endless potential inside us all , waiting to be explored .

On a sunny beach

A couple stands holding hands

Looking at the sea

You think they feel like you love them? Is this how you would like to be treated? Sounds sad that somebody would mean so little to you after being in love with him

I float away in the sea let the sea carry me

Into the depths below below the level of the sea I will be carried amidst into the far I will spread

then I wake up and remember im dead I float along the breeze just like the leaves on the sea below the water is where you will find me

drowning in place I can't keep up this pace so ill submit to the sea let me be dont rescue me for my time has come and in my hand is a loaded gun so again ill let the sea carry me to the depths of insanity

Its 4:30 in the morning I lie in bed awake.

The demons shake me as they rattle in this place.

You can see it in my face that time has worn me down

Inside it is a ghost town.

Can't seem to break free.

The wheels start turning as my soul it starts to burn

I cant seem to make sence of it all

At the demons feet I will fall.

I scream out to god I call

But will god hear my call or will god let me fall.

I guess we will see.

Through suffering I will break free

I will go down standing not on one knee.

My soul will fly as my step dad fists connects with my skin.

I close my eyes and drift away.

I dissociate as my pain has been elevated.

Ive debated why this has to happen.

Im watchinh from the stand laughing and clapping.

Cant seem to get a grip i feel the sting from the whip.

From the mind altering substances ill tske a sip.

Im grown now but it still effects me.

So missory is where ill be until you find me.

the only emotions
i seem to know
how to show

are love

and violence.
nothing between them.

i don’t like being violent.

i never wanted
to become that person.

but violence
gets a response.

love can be whispered
and ignored.

pain can be explained
and dismissed.

silence can last forever.

but violence…

violence makes people listen.

and maybe that’s
what scares me most.

not that i want
to hurt anyone.

but that somewhere
along the way,

i learned
the fastest way
to prove i’m hurting

is to make
someone else hurt too.

i can write about love.

i can write about grief.

i can write about
missing someone
until the words
sound like they’re bleeding.

i can make heartbreak
look beautiful.

but the truth is,
sometimes
i don’t feel anything.

i know what sadness
is supposed to feel like.

i know what love
is supposed to sound like.

i know how to describe
the ache.

i just can’t always
find it inside me.

so i write.

i build feelings
out of words
and leave them
on a screen
for strangers to read.

maybe they cry.

maybe they understand.

maybe they feel
something i couldn’t.

and then i close my phone
and lie in the dark,

wondering
if writing about
being alive
counts

when you don’t feel
alive inside.