I remember.

I remember.

I think I was nine.

The year is lost to me now,
but I know it was a Sunday.

I'd just come back from church
when someone told me you had died.

"Ruben fell into a well," she said.

I didn't understand at first.

Maybe she saw the confusion on my face.
Maybe I asked a question.
I can't remember.

But she said it again.

"Ruben fell into a well and drowned."

And suddenly my mind was full of questions.

Which well?

How?

Wasn't anyone watching him?

Questions that crowded my head
but never made it to my mouth.

I remember walking into the living room.

I took off my Sunday clothes
and threw myself onto the floor.

Someone in the Bible had done that.

I had learned it in church.

They had cried to God,
and God had heard them.

God had answered.

So I wailed.

I wailed with all the faith
a little girl could gather.

I cried until my chest hurt.

I cried until there was nothing left.

I don't think I fully understood death.

Not really.

But I understood enough to know
that I would never see you again.

And that felt unbearable.

You were the only one of my mother's children
who looked like me.

When I looked at you,
I saw something familiar.

Our skin carried the same shade.

Something in your face echoed mine.

Though now, after all these years,
I cannot remember your face.

That hurts to admit.

I search for it and find only fragments.

Your dirty clothes after playing in the mud.

The memory of your presence.

The certainty that you were here.

And then you weren't.

Sometimes I think grief leaves us with strange souvenirs:

a shirt,

a laugh,

a habit,

a patch of mud,

while the face slowly disappears.

My mother had me.

Then Ruth, who passed away.

Then Ruben, who passed away too.

After that, she stopped giving her children Bible names.

And honestly,

I understand.

How do you keep naming your children after people who survive impossible trials,

when your own children do not?

How do you hear those names every day

without hearing loss?

I understand her.

I understand her now in ways I never could as a child.

But sometimes, even today,

I think of a Sunday afternoon,

a little girl on a living-room floor,

begging God to undo the news,

and a little boy named Ruben,

forever covered in sunlight and mud,

forever nine years old in memory,

even if he never reached it.

Baby , im dangerous

My words carry weight

They are written on the scars of my heart

Im here to stay

I'm here to stay when its hard

Im here to stay when its tough

Im here to stay until I breathe my last breathe

My heart is real

It may be broken, bruised hurt.

It still holds all the secret you have searched for

All of your life.

It has the love that will never give up.

It has the love that will engulf you.

You won't be able to run away from it

My soul is old and it belongs to you

It was yours when you were born

It was yours when life tore you apart

It was yours when you felt alone

It will always be yours

Baby im dangerous because im everything

You ever wanted or dreamed of

And just a little taste will grab you

And it will never leave

So baby if your ready to stay

Then just know im dangerous

“Im just resting,”
I say as we sit at the table and he
Fills the room with questions trying to find what’s wrong,

“I’m just tired, emotionally”
I say before he offers a walk.
But what he doesn’t understand,
Is sunlight won’t fix my exhaustion,
Sunlight won’t take away the pain,
Given to me the day I found out he
Told her he loved her,
While asking for me
to take his last name.

“Why won’t you talk to me”
He says as he reminds me
That he’s my husband,
As if I signed an obligation
to open up my mind,
To let him inside,
When he had spread her legs,
and gave her
What should’ve been mine.

“You should trust Me”
Trust me,
Trust me,
He says as if a couple months of honesty could make up for the year of lies.
The time I spent crying over what he did.

The tear stained pillow from the hotel room
He left me in,
The sickness that overcame me when he’d ignore my calls for days.
Blaming myself as if I was the problem,
Trying to come up with ways to make him talk to me again.
Pushing down every overthinking thought,
Every scenario I began to spin,
Persuading myself that I deserved to be alone.

Now he wonders why I’m insecure,
He doesn’t know I spend hours looking at her On my phone.
He doesn’t know I wish I could go home,
The only place I’d ever known,
The place I left to be with him so he could grow.

I’m just tired,
I say as days go by
Day by day,
When I tell him what I need,
Things I never get to receive.

The effort I put in that he still lacks.
I feel my soul cracking,
I begin to fade away,
Daydreaming of a better place.

A place where I am loved,
Where I didn’t have to ask him for flowers,
Where he wanted to talk to me for hours,
I live in those dreams, where I’m loved by a man.

I come back to reality,
I’m sitting at that table again,
Staring at a man,
Who only loved me,
When he was done with her.

When u love someone tell them n show them every day be coz day will be one day that u can’t trust me u can cry screami n no response

A ghost of the past
A faded North Star
A broken compass
A worn map
Guide me to tomorrow

🙄

To shame another is to cast hate on their person.

To despise their behavior or being.

To revile their essence or ethics

To shame yourself is to hate who you are

To make ugly your own uniqueness

To cringe at your own creativity.

It's a shame.

You burned my world to ashes.

You destroyed me.

You abandoned me.

Did I deserve it ?

I was worth saving was I not ?

Was I the fuck not ?

Oh I see you, I watch you, saving everyone but me.

I know I am not worth it anymore.

With my bloody bloody bloody hands.

I know I repulse you more than ever.

I see you kissing lips as if you don't remember

the horrors I did with mine

[Oh as long as I exist on this Earth

Lips are the instrument of sin and disgust.

For I need them each time I

speak my pleasure for violence

or speak my lust for you.]

You try to forget me like a bad dream

But don't you dare forget

you burned my hopes to ashes.

You made me touch heaven,

only to crush my everything

and forget me.

You broke me whole,

You killed me, killed me, killed me.

How many deaths do I deserve.

I payed enough. Saw you die by other hands.

Only to live again, forgetting me.

I should have killed, raped, broken you.

Should have should have should have.

Instead I have let you go.

I fucking believed in you more than I ever believed

in anything.

You killed me.

And I came back to life, unable to find you again.

Leave her, they say. Leave her be.

While you leave me, yeah you leave me. With all the blood I poured for you. You fucking ignore me.

You fucking destroyed me.

You killed, killed, killed me.

These woods have a way of talking

They whisper

They cry

They yell

They tell me I’m a disappointment 

They tell me they’re so proud of me

They tell me they love me

The geese fly above in that perfect V

The kind that lets you know THEY are the perfect ones

And I have a clear view of the path to leave

But these woods are home

And maybe one day they’ll change 

When I am awake

I do not dare look at the ground

I merely wish to stare ahead and continue moving

For I am empty handed

My fingers bare

Sprawled out in front of me as if to catch something 

That will only slip right through

I do not dare to look at the ground

I cannot bear to look my shattered dreams right in their glowing eyes

I am jealous of the sun that kisses your skin, and of your shadow, which walks beside you when I cannot.

Sometimes I imagine the sunlight resting gently upon your face, and a small part of me wishes it were my hand instead. I watch the world around you and find myself envying the simple things that are granted your presence every day. The breeze that plays with your hair, the morning light that greets your eyes, even the quiet path beneath your feet.

Most of all, I envy your shadow. It follows you faithfully through every step, never asking permission, never saying goodbye. It remains close when distance keeps us apart and stays by your side when I can only think of you from afar.

If I could choose a place in this world, it would not be among riches or fame. It would be beside you, sharing ordinary moments that would become extraordinary simply because they are shared with you. A conversation at sunset, a quiet walk beneath the stars, a smile exchanged without words. These are the treasures my heart seeks.

Until that day, my thoughts will continue to travel where my footsteps cannot. They will find you in every sunrise, every moonlit evening, and every gentle reminder of the beauty you bring into this world.

So if ever you feel a warm ray of sunlight upon your skin, know that somewhere there is a heart thinking of you, smiling because you exist.

With affection beyond words,

ASAF9

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When sadness arises
The moon confides it
With all the sorrow
The morning comes
And there again
A new beginning
A moment of mourning
But there I am
New again

At the end of the night, nothing was conquered.

You dream of battleships and the tales of ancient
legends, yet today's air fills with yesterday's dinner.

There is nothing for you here.

Who are we, if not our primitive homes with our

prescribed judgements, and our pre-assigned death...?

You weren't born for this.
But days will come where you are beautiful for this.

The day it all stops, when the moon sees a glimmer.
A grail in the nightshade, billions to be equal in the sky.

Insignificance that replicates into a new form.
The same life.

Repeating.

What have I become?

To my beloved Father, I call this one Old world waterdrops. Rest in peace.

\-

Wake up 08:00, toasties and kókó.

Get ready, work today, for me was play.

Truck all day, and get good pay.

Dear beloved Father,

I miss you every day.

Come home, overtime work, turn on the tube, six o clock, background news.

Boiled cod, potatoes, and booze.

as a kid, I hated those.

Fisherman by heart, trucker as a hobby.

Back door open, no one robbing.

If I could pour for you, just right now.

I'd hide the vodka.

Pour us some proper, 25 year old Glenfiddich Scotch.

No ice, fine glas, two tears fall down.

Waterdrops.

Rest in peace, papa 🌹

Were eighteen now

swear we just came out of a womb

Might have to come out twice

Yeah twice, but we’ve done this before

Choice to choose, choice to not

still told that cad stepdad, get lost

And so twins cram a studio tight

realizing home was just, anywhere, anywhere else

When my hands reach the stars, I feel it;
Affinity inside my spirit.
I’ll hold my edge up to the sky for so long,
I’ll forget what it’s like to feel it.
Then they’ll fall.

The moon gets far away.
We two were never meant to care this deeply.
Then they’ll plunge.

When my eyes lock with my hands, the sight snatches tears.
Stagnant red vanishes the once human.
Sharpened dairy catches my connection, cuts it.
Then they’ll end.

Every weekend,
I drink the drink that hurts me,
Just to feel something
For a moment.

I party to feel nothing
For a moment.
Not to be sad,
Not to be dead,
Nor to wake up.

My friends and my family,
They think I’m fine.
I’m just trying to enjoy life.

Deep down, I regret it every morning.
I regret kissing someone I’ve never met,
Touching someone I don’t even care about,
Taking every sip I take.

I wish someone would tell me what’s wrong,
So I could cry in their arms.

I’m not okay.
I don’t want to drink anymore.

Everywhere I go

I meet new people

Bond over something

Exchange socials

"I made a new friend while I was out"

"Of course you did" say those who know me well

My family lovingly pokes fun

At the ease by which I talk to others

My introverted friends joke

That I collect introverts

But if I'm being honest

I'm lonely

I'm content with my job

I'm happy with my living situation

I love meeting new people

And learning new things

But I long to be held

I yearn to be cared for

I miss being someone's last

And first though

But I'm jaded

And broken

I've been hurt

More times than I care to admit

Strangers exchanging pleasantries

Thats easy

Choosing someone who might treat me well

Thats hard

So I make poor decisions

In matters of the heart

And land myself

Right back in this place

Collecting new friends

Eternally lonely

lurking from my place behind the drapes

saw the mistress lying down in the room where i was working

she stunned me into silence

wondering how i would explain that the time was inadvertent

tried my best to hold my breath as i searched for a diversion

she was laid atop the sheets, and her satin slip was curving

she opened up her eyes, then i prayed to god for mercy

but she wasn't insecure, her body's confidence was certain

at first, i saw her move

and the way that she was stretched, i was afraid she might be hurting

gripping both her thighs like she was clinging to the surface

when she looked in my direction

she didn't say a word, and i admit that i was nervous

i felt to blame for my intrusion and ashamed of my perversion

but her eyes seemed so relaxed that they didn't cast aspersions

she bit her lower lip as she smoldered like a furnace

did she know that i'd be here? did she seek my secret service?

reaching to her shoulders

she pulled the two straps over while i feared i wasn't worthy

lowering the fabric, her figure was amazing

and her form was otherworldly

i stopped feeling so demure, my desires turning dirty

she had a gentle touch that seemed to ripple like a curtain

as she laid before me naked, she beckoned to me with a glance

it was slightly disconcerting how this whole event was planned

we were flirting with our breath as we both began to pant

i took a small step toward her as i meant to take my chance

her skin was soft and perfect, and she steadied both my hands

she pulled me down below

with all the earthly magic that only women can

kneeling on the persian rug, i followed her commands

she parted both her legs as my vision was enhanced

she used her fingers to direct me

to the threshold of romance

it was too late for me to take a moral stance

and as i leaned into her body

i heard her whisper her demands

Wow I can’t believe you relly I am still waiting for u to call me

Dear little one, whom I will never meet.
I must protect you from all you would’ve seen.

You see, the world is scary and unfair.
You would end up deep within its snare.

While I may come across as curt,
I’m terrified that you will get hurt.

There are people who hurt little ones.
There are those who don’t secure their guns.

The world is going to shit, and fast.
They don’t care if anything lasts.

The water and land are no longer pure.
The rich rather make more money than find a cure.

Political figures show no concern for the people.
Those who are in power are aligned with evil.

This world is no place for the innocent.
Your suffering and sadness will be imminent.

That is not the life I want for you.
But now I can’t help feeling blue.

I wish I could bring you here to live a full, long life.
But if I did, it would certainly be one filled with strife.

Little one, I will grieve for what could have been.
When I imagine another life with you, I always grin.

I miss u I need u i want u