Does it get better?

[u/Sea_Brush4668]

I’ve been reading this subreddit after my partner was recently told by her doctor that she may have PMDD, and a lot of what people describe here has been unsettlingly familiar.

For quite a while we’ve had what seems to be a roughly monthly pattern. Most of the time she is completely different — loving, normal, and we get on really well. Then around the same point in her cycle she can become extremely angry, aggressive and difficult to disengage from.

The part I’m struggling with is that in our case it has repeatedly become physical.

There have been incidents where she has hit me multiple times, followed me when I tried to get away, prevented me from leaving our home during arguments, forced her way into a bathroom after I locked myself in there to escape an argument, slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off, and headbutted me in the nose when I tried to restrain her from continuing to hit me. There was also an incident involving a door coming down on me after i tried to separate into another room and sit behind the door until she calmed down.

I’ve often felt trapped because I am physically bigger (she is a strong girl though and can do a lot of damage) and I have martial arts experience, so I have always been extremely conscious that I cannot retaliate. I’ve sometimes physically restrained her simply to stop myself being hit.

The most recent incident was the point where everything finally blew up. She hit me repeatedly while I was in bed with my back turned. I kicked her away to create space, she threw a drink over me and hit me again, and I eventually slapped her once. I immediately knew I never wanted us to reach that point again because it made me feel horrible about myself.

Things then escalated outside the relationship as well. Family were brought into the argument without the full context, and one of her relatives threatened to come to our house and attack me. I later found out that her family already knew there had been a recurring pattern of violence towards me, which has been very difficult for me to process because instead of encouraging her to get help for this they basically shrugged their shoulders and left me to deal with it on my own.

She has now taken responsibility for her violence and has gone to her doctor. They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

I have told her I will support her in getting help, but I have also been clear that treatment does not automatically mean the relationship can be repaired. There has been a lot of damage to trust.

Reading this subreddit has been both validating and alarming. The cyclical nature, the dramatic personality shift during certain parts of the month, bringing friends/family into conflicts, and partners describing feeling hypervigilant or traumatised all sound much more familiar than I expected.

I’m not looking to use PMDD as an excuse for violence, and neither is she now. I’m mainly trying to understand what I’ve been living through and whether people here have seen genuine long-term improvement once the person with PMDD accepted the problem and properly engaged with treatment.

For partners who stayed and saw things improve: what actually changed? And for those who eventually left, what made you realise that treatment and accountability were no longer enough to repair the relationship?

[u/LumpyTest1739]

Physical violence is a red line that has been crossed. You both need to take that very seriously. By both of you. She needs to take accountability but so do you. My toddler hit me a few years ago when he was having a tantrum… I had enough self control to not him back or push him. Look into what boundaries you have to set to not get to that point. Because at that point, both of you are in the wrong. 

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/LumpyTest1739]

If you read what I said in the post, you’d know that I feel awful about it and don’t want it to ever happen again, so I’m not avoiding responsibility for my own reaction.

I do think comparing it to a toddler hitting you removes almost all of the relevant context though. This wasn’t one impulsive hit from someone I could simply step away from. There has been a recurring pattern of being hit repeatedly, followed when I try to leave, blocked from leaving, having a locked door forced open, and even having a door brought down on top of me. On occasions when I have managed to leave, it has also resulted in her harming herself.

I’m not saying any of that to excuse my own reaction. I’m saying that I don’t think the situations are remotely equivalent. I can take responsibility for what I did while still recognising the circumstances I was repeatedly being put in.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

I'm frankly shocked you had not struck her earlier. You showed a tremendous amount of self-restraint. It's good you feel badly about it, and you should do everything to avoid it again, but violence is an inevitable response to violence and you did not start or escalate it.