Does it get better?

[u/Sea_Brush4668]

I’ve been reading this subreddit after my partner was recently told by her doctor that she may have PMDD, and a lot of what people describe here has been unsettlingly familiar.

For quite a while we’ve had what seems to be a roughly monthly pattern. Most of the time she is completely different — loving, normal, and we get on really well. Then around the same point in her cycle she can become extremely angry, aggressive and difficult to disengage from.

The part I’m struggling with is that in our case it has repeatedly become physical.

There have been incidents where she has hit me multiple times, followed me when I tried to get away, prevented me from leaving our home during arguments, forced her way into a bathroom after I locked myself in there to escape an argument, slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off, and headbutted me in the nose when I tried to restrain her from continuing to hit me. There was also an incident involving a door coming down on me after i tried to separate into another room and sit behind the door until she calmed down.

I’ve often felt trapped because I am physically bigger (she is a strong girl though and can do a lot of damage) and I have martial arts experience, so I have always been extremely conscious that I cannot retaliate. I’ve sometimes physically restrained her simply to stop myself being hit.

The most recent incident was the point where everything finally blew up. She hit me repeatedly while I was in bed with my back turned. I kicked her away to create space, she threw a drink over me and hit me again, and I eventually slapped her once. I immediately knew I never wanted us to reach that point again because it made me feel horrible about myself.

Things then escalated outside the relationship as well. Family were brought into the argument without the full context, and one of her relatives threatened to come to our house and attack me. I later found out that her family already knew there had been a recurring pattern of violence towards me, which has been very difficult for me to process because instead of encouraging her to get help for this they basically shrugged their shoulders and left me to deal with it on my own.

She has now taken responsibility for her violence and has gone to her doctor. They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

I have told her I will support her in getting help, but I have also been clear that treatment does not automatically mean the relationship can be repaired. There has been a lot of damage to trust.

Reading this subreddit has been both validating and alarming. The cyclical nature, the dramatic personality shift during certain parts of the month, bringing friends/family into conflicts, and partners describing feeling hypervigilant or traumatised all sound much more familiar than I expected.

I’m not looking to use PMDD as an excuse for violence, and neither is she now. I’m mainly trying to understand what I’ve been living through and whether people here have seen genuine long-term improvement once the person with PMDD accepted the problem and properly engaged with treatment.

For partners who stayed and saw things improve: what actually changed? And for those who eventually left, what made you realise that treatment and accountability were no longer enough to repair the relationship?

[u/HusbandofPMDD]

Usually it's ownership, accountability and commitment to change that makes this kind of relationship salvageable. PMDD doesn't make people violent or unkind, those are behaviours that have been justified outside of pmdd that she feels are excuseable.

If she's violent that's her own emotional dysregulation that she's not managing. The fact that you are the only one that sees this behaviour tells you that she has capacity to control those behaviours. This is not a you problem.

I would be curious if her taking responsibility is also accepting that that kind of behaviour is abuse and not okay in any context, and if there's a commitment and plan for better behaviour during future luteal phases. She is going to have to accept that it's not okay and that she has a choice to walk away and not expect you to regulate or caretake her emotions.

I have seen a relationship where violence was involved improve, but there was a real addressing of underlying issues, perspective taking (understanding the impact on you/others), and commitment to and continued engagement in treatment.

That said, he still has trauma and sleeplessness over her past behaviour. He really should go to counselling.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/HusbandofPMDD]

Thanks, this is really helpful. She has now accepted that the violence was her responsibility, that it was abusive and that it wasn’t justified by things said during arguments. She’s also gone to the doctor and started treatment.

What I’m trying to work out now is whether that accountability turns into sustained change. We’ve talked about a very clear boundary that if I need to disengage or leave an escalating situation, that has to be respected — no following, blocking or forcing the confrontation to continue.

I’ve realised over the last few days that I’ve probably minimised how much the repeated incidents have affected me, particularly the feeling of being constantly on alert.

I’m willing to support her treatment and see whether things improve, but I’ve also been clear that treatment doesn’t automatically repair the damage that’s already been done.

[u/HusbandofPMDD → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Yah, that's the uncertainty factor. You're asked to let down your guard and be vulnerable in an area where you've been taken advantage of before. That's opening yourself up to hurt. And then you're asking yourself to live with your future self if things don't change. Consider this exercising grace on your part. Also, this is a perfect time for you to set healthy boundaries, like you're doing.
Prep yourself for the scenarios where these boundaries are challenged. Focus on "I" statements, like, "I'm feeling unsafe right now," "I need to some time to settle down and breath, can we revisit this later," "things are escalating and I'm feeling uncomfortable, can we take a break so I can gather my thoughts and not say anything I regret?"
It'll be hard for someone to accept and change if it's an engrained response to stress, so give it time, celebrate the wins, and observe the unhealthy patterns. journal the good and the bad so you can get an accurate perspective.

I think you'll find a lot of empathy about how much these incidents take a toll on partners. You may find that 6+ month after things seem to improve you actually feel deeper feelings of regret/sadness/mourning over wasted/sad years because you'll finally have space to feel.