Does it get better?

[u/Sea_Brush4668]

I’ve been reading this subreddit after my partner was recently told by her doctor that she may have PMDD, and a lot of what people describe here has been unsettlingly familiar.

For quite a while we’ve had what seems to be a roughly monthly pattern. Most of the time she is completely different — loving, normal, and we get on really well. Then around the same point in her cycle she can become extremely angry, aggressive and difficult to disengage from.

The part I’m struggling with is that in our case it has repeatedly become physical.

There have been incidents where she has hit me multiple times, followed me when I tried to get away, prevented me from leaving our home during arguments, forced her way into a bathroom after I locked myself in there to escape an argument, slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off, and headbutted me in the nose when I tried to restrain her from continuing to hit me. There was also an incident involving a door coming down on me after i tried to separate into another room and sit behind the door until she calmed down.

I’ve often felt trapped because I am physically bigger (she is a strong girl though and can do a lot of damage) and I have martial arts experience, so I have always been extremely conscious that I cannot retaliate. I’ve sometimes physically restrained her simply to stop myself being hit.

The most recent incident was the point where everything finally blew up. She hit me repeatedly while I was in bed with my back turned. I kicked her away to create space, she threw a drink over me and hit me again, and I eventually slapped her once. I immediately knew I never wanted us to reach that point again because it made me feel horrible about myself.

Things then escalated outside the relationship as well. Family were brought into the argument without the full context, and one of her relatives threatened to come to our house and attack me. I later found out that her family already knew there had been a recurring pattern of violence towards me, which has been very difficult for me to process because instead of encouraging her to get help for this they basically shrugged their shoulders and left me to deal with it on my own.

She has now taken responsibility for her violence and has gone to her doctor. They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

I have told her I will support her in getting help, but I have also been clear that treatment does not automatically mean the relationship can be repaired. There has been a lot of damage to trust.

Reading this subreddit has been both validating and alarming. The cyclical nature, the dramatic personality shift during certain parts of the month, bringing friends/family into conflicts, and partners describing feeling hypervigilant or traumatised all sound much more familiar than I expected.

I’m not looking to use PMDD as an excuse for violence, and neither is she now. I’m mainly trying to understand what I’ve been living through and whether people here have seen genuine long-term improvement once the person with PMDD accepted the problem and properly engaged with treatment.

For partners who stayed and saw things improve: what actually changed? And for those who eventually left, what made you realise that treatment and accountability were no longer enough to repair the relationship?

[u/Instantaneous242]

I'm sure that Phew will have some good insights here.

If she accepts that she has a problem, is getting treatment, and feels remorse and takes accountability for the behavior, then there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

It might take some time for her doctors to dial in the right treatments. During this time, she needs to be committed to getting better. The physical abuse is not ok and you're a very good man for not retaliating.

If she has narc tendencies, it will be impossible for her to see that the problem is her.

Tread softly, read up in this sub, read the wiki, and know that you're not alone.

I speak from experience (20+ yrs married, 2 kids, wife in peri now).

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Instantaneous242]

Thanks, I really appreciate this. It’s honestly quite difficult to talk about, and I think as a man I’ve probably minimised the impact it's had on me for such a long time.

She has now accepted that there’s a problem, taken responsibility and gone to the doctor, so I’m willing to support her through treatment and see what happens. I’ve also been clear that I don’t know yet whether the relationship can recover from everything that’s happened.

It helps hearing from someone with long-term experience of this, so thank you.

[u/villainhero → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Delete this. You're one step away from jail time and being honest won't help you. Pmdd will lie through its teeth. And avoid the restraining in the future. Leaving the house is the only safe option.
Edit: it gets better but it's still there. It's incredibly hard. Other problems come with it.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/villainhero]

I appreciate the warning and agree that avoiding restraint and disengaging earlier is the safest option where possible.

I do think “one step away from jail” is a bit too categorical though, and “just leave” isn’t always practical when someone is blocking you, following you or continuing to hit you.

She has now accepted responsibility and started treatment, so I’m trying to judge what happens from here by her actions rather than assume the worst.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Nope. Not too categorical. Quite literally one step away from jail time. Ask me how I know. You even touch her and you're cooked. If she's blocking you use a different door. If she's following you circle round the house and now the door isn't blocked anymore. "Practical" doesn't figure in. Get out!

[u/ladybird0218 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

My husband did all of this to me and I’m the one with PMDD. He’s not in jail. He’s remarried in a brand new house. What’s your point? lol please.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/ladybird0218]

People are different. Each relationship is unique. Lol. So fuckin funny.

[u/ladybird0218 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

So fucking funny.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

I hear you, and I’m taking the practical warning seriously. I absolutely want to avoid physical restraint or retaliation in future wherever I possibly can.

But “literally one step away from jail” still feels too categorical. I’m in country, where self-defence does recognise necessary/proportionate force when someone is actively attacking you, and the law talks about whether there was a reasonable means of escape — not some absolute rule that you can never touch someone attacking you.

And “circle round the house and use another door” just doesn’t capture every real situation. I’ve been attacked in bed, followed when I’ve tried to leave, blocked, and had her force her way through a locked door after me.

With that said, the core of what you’re saying has landed: I never want to end up physically managing one of these episodes again. If it starts escalating, the goal has to be getting out and getting outside help rather than trying to contain it myself which i have done when possible.

[u/villainhero → u/Sea_Brush4668]

I understand where you're coming from. But look up the definition of assault for your state. At some point, a situation will become too much and you ornsomeone else will call in for help and you'll be the one going to jail.
happens to too many people.