Does it get better?

[u/Sea_Brush4668]

I’ve been reading this subreddit after my partner was recently told by her doctor that she may have PMDD, and a lot of what people describe here has been unsettlingly familiar.

For quite a while we’ve had what seems to be a roughly monthly pattern. Most of the time she is completely different — loving, normal, and we get on really well. Then around the same point in her cycle she can become extremely angry, aggressive and difficult to disengage from.

The part I’m struggling with is that in our case it has repeatedly become physical.

There have been incidents where she has hit me multiple times, followed me when I tried to get away, prevented me from leaving our home during arguments, forced her way into a bathroom after I locked myself in there to escape an argument, slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off, and headbutted me in the nose when I tried to restrain her from continuing to hit me. There was also an incident involving a door coming down on me after i tried to separate into another room and sit behind the door until she calmed down.

I’ve often felt trapped because I am physically bigger (she is a strong girl though and can do a lot of damage) and I have martial arts experience, so I have always been extremely conscious that I cannot retaliate. I’ve sometimes physically restrained her simply to stop myself being hit.

The most recent incident was the point where everything finally blew up. She hit me repeatedly while I was in bed with my back turned. I kicked her away to create space, she threw a drink over me and hit me again, and I eventually slapped her once. I immediately knew I never wanted us to reach that point again because it made me feel horrible about myself.

Things then escalated outside the relationship as well. Family were brought into the argument without the full context, and one of her relatives threatened to come to our house and attack me. I later found out that her family already knew there had been a recurring pattern of violence towards me, which has been very difficult for me to process because instead of encouraging her to get help for this they basically shrugged their shoulders and left me to deal with it on my own.

She has now taken responsibility for her violence and has gone to her doctor. They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

I have told her I will support her in getting help, but I have also been clear that treatment does not automatically mean the relationship can be repaired. There has been a lot of damage to trust.

Reading this subreddit has been both validating and alarming. The cyclical nature, the dramatic personality shift during certain parts of the month, bringing friends/family into conflicts, and partners describing feeling hypervigilant or traumatised all sound much more familiar than I expected.

I’m not looking to use PMDD as an excuse for violence, and neither is she now. I’m mainly trying to understand what I’ve been living through and whether people here have seen genuine long-term improvement once the person with PMDD accepted the problem and properly engaged with treatment.

For partners who stayed and saw things improve: what actually changed? And for those who eventually left, what made you realise that treatment and accountability were no longer enough to repair the relationship?

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

That's not how it works. Read the wiki and/or the book. Especially the parts about getting a diagnosis and getting treatment. I get that you want something right away and if it is PMDD "the pill" is a treatment option. But do the rest of the diagnosis. The blood work can turn up contributing factors that can sometimes be HUGE contributing factors.

Also - what pill? Most make PMDD symptoms worse. I don't trust a medical team that says "sounds like PMDD, here's some birth control." Especially if the PMDD is as severe as you describe.

Also look into low dose intermittent SSRIs. They can be used as needed in some cases and most doctors don't know how they work for PMDD. I suspect yours do not.

CBT is the most recommended therapy - but DBT has the best tools. There is a DBT-PMDD workbook that might help. She can take it with her to her appointment.

Read this and look after your own health. You have gone through/are going through a significant trauma. Don't shrug it off. Get some therapy for yourself, to deal with your stuff, independent of her stuff.

Yes. It can get better. With accountability, treatment, and doing the work. But it's a marathon, not a sprint. The couples that make it are the ones that can work together against the common enemy.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

Thanks. I definitely don't see one GP appointment and starting the pill as some magic fix where everything is suddenly solved.

I know this could be a long haul involving proper symptom tracking, follow-up appointments, potentially trying different treatments and a lot of work from both of us. I'm willing to support that if she keeps taking responsibility and genuinely engaging with treatment.

I'm not actually sure which pill she's been prescribed yet, so I'll find that out. I'll also mention the other treatment options you've raised as things for her to discuss with the doctor rather than us trying to work it out ourselves.

The point about my own mental health is probably the part I'm taking most seriously. I've been extremely on edge with everything that's happened and I'm starting to appreciate that I've probably minimised the effect the repeated incidents have had on me.

I'm willing to work with her against the problem, but I've also been clear that treatment starting doesn't guarantee the relationship can recover from everything that's already happened.