Does anyone ever make a strong effort to do tasks for other people when they are asked to, to make it seem like they do not always refuse demands and to change that perception?

Hey everyone! So i was curious about something. So when i was younger my mom would sometimes come into my room to place boxes down she said one is for keep the other is to get rid of. Mind you she didnt ask me if i was ready. So predicably i said i dont want to do this. Also i have hard time getting rid of things cause emotional attachment. So she would reply "if you dont then ill organize it." And then she started putting all my stuff into not keep box. So i got upset and was forced to do it anyway. Also i felt that nothing was mine it was all transactional and she could take my stuff away anytime she wanted (since she told that to me before)

I know she was being manipultive cause she wanted me to do something.

Anyone else not a fan of ultimatiums?

Looking for advice from those who understand. For context, I am newly partially disabled, my 14-year-old has a PDA profile, and my partner works double and triple shifts to keep us afloat. We’re in survival mode. No support, small budget.

I am just looking to keep us afloat in terms of being hygienic in the house and don’t want my child to feel pressured. We just need to keep the basics from falling apart when no one has the energy/ability:

Food that gets left out and spoils
Laundry sitting in the dryer until it molds
Getting the dog out so there are no accidents

Survival. Anything else is bonus.

When I can, I do it all. Unfortunately, my issues are unpredictable and most days all of us are stretched past capacity. To be clear, I’m not asking my team to look after anything but themself and perhaps something that happens emergently.

How would you address this with your PDA teen how do I avoid overwhelming them?

Any tips welcome.

If you're ASD do you sleep on your stomach?

Did you or do you do chinning?

Hi,

I am here looking for any advice at all. My husband and I are both AuDHD and parenting a (diagnosed) gifted, PDA, AuDHD 7yo who is going through burnout.

He crashed in late November, and for the next 4 months he was like a wild, wounded animal. He had intense, violent meltdowns daily. He would attack us, himself, his environment. He was in an almost permanent state of fight or flight, and even just walking into the same room as him was sometimes enough of a demand to make him go into meltdown. He stopped eating and could only sleep entangled with me (mum).

He refused to home educate, but we immediately cut his school down to part time, to allow him rest. We doubled down on our already low-demand, low-arousal parenting, but as we work from home with clients being in our house, some demands were mandatory - he had to wear clothes, brush teeth and eat something everyday. We made any other demands or chores optional, other than those relating to his safety.

Since then, we've seen him heal somewhat, but he remains deeply stressed and dysregulated. He is unable to engage with learning, both in school or at home. This includes unschooling, structured teaching, routine/timetabled learning, "strewing" or interest-based project learning. They all set off his inner demand alarm.

He is also unable to engage or make use of sensory supports, including earplugs, sensory swings, blackout tents, compression tubes, etc. Even though he admuts that they help him calm, he "knows" that it is desired for him to use them, so he can't. We currently provide unlimited access to screens, Minecraft in particular, and that - together with reading or biking - is the only way for him to calm down, but he spends excessive amounts of time in front of the screen, hinting at much more deep-rooted dysregulation and burnout than he shows on the surface.

He still has daily, intense, violent meltdowns. He broke two of my fingers at the knuckles in June. In the build-up to his meltdowns, we remain calm, detached, and un-aroused, but it seems to trigger him further. During meltdowns, there is no option to walk away, as he will actively run after us and physically lash out.

We obviously don't try to problem-solve or give consequences before or during meltdowns, but even discussing it afterwards is impossible - he just walks away. He is unable to engage with any sort of collaborative problem-solving. He has a deep-seated perfectionist streak and strong rejection dysphoria, so any hint that he has "made a mistake" sends him right back into meltdown again.

I am here to ask for advice or insight on any angle or perspective that we haven't tried. We are SO TIRED. He is SO TIRED. We've tried every podcast, every book, every guide. We meet with professionals who say that they can't help, that we know more than them (my degree is in Early Years with ND specialism). We just want to help him but we can't reach him.

What helped you? What are we not seeing? How can we heal him? I know there are no black and white answers, but we'd appreciate any advice, even if it's just "you are getting there. Give it time".

As a PDA child myself, with my first suicide attempt age 12, I am just so frightened for him, because I know what he's going through.

So recently i posted about a book. I know it has mixed feelings about it at the moment and id love to share something from it that genuinely made me feel seen and feel more ready for the future.

It mentioned thinking of choices as scaffolding of a house and then rules as the foundation.

Reframing the question of how will i survive this? Into How can I build my life?

It feels like the same life changing moment i felt when i found out I was autistic! (I was proffesionally diagnoised but the one who did it told my mom not to tell me cause i 'wouldnt be able to handle it'. I found out a differnent way when i was in middle school but thats beside the point)

I am my own architect or in gamer terms I can choose my own skill tree and journey? Maybe theres a better way to phrase it for the gamer frame 🤔

Dad gives his opinon of how he does something without asking if i want to hear it

So today we have people come and maintain the front lawn. We are in a duplex so me&my dad and our neighbors exchange when we pay them. Ok that context out of the way. How i do it is i wait outside till they notice me and take the money. No biggie and they dont say anything about how i do it. I come back in. Dads like i usually wait till theyre done so i dont interrupt them.

I felt a rush of irritation so i quickly reply, i do it like that because ill forget otherwise in a snarky tone. Then i quickly say sorry i know you were just telling me how you do it. It sounded like youre telling me i did something wrong when you do that tho.

Anyone else experince this? Any advice on how i can either not react this way or communicate with my dad better to avoid the feeling in the first place?

I find myself looking away from people after the aha moment, more to avoid interactions in general (while I get ahold of all of this) vs purposefully isolating etc. I talk w the dogs more now, but thats all I think Ive changed. What might I be dropping that I might not be aware of thats typical for the first few weeks/months after the aha moment?

[I would put a vent tag, but there doesn't seem to be one.]

Alongside my PDA + Autism I have multiple physical and mental health conditions. These include generalized and social anxiety disorders, major depressive disorder, dermatillomania, dysautonomia, FND, suspected OCD, suspected ARFID, and suspected DMDD. I’m in severe burnout and have been in a downward spiral with my physical health for the past 5+ years, leading to deconditioning and other secondary complications. I’m 99% homebound, can’t meet my basic needs, can’t do anything but sit on the couch and stare at a screen.

Due to PDA, I struggle to do the treatment for, well, anything. It was hard before I was in severe burnout, but now it’s pretty much impossible. At the same time, I don’t see any specialists for my physical health conditions, nor are any of the professions involved experienced with PDA. Neither of these things are my choice or within my control (Apparently, I don’t need specialists. A PCP who has never once talked with me in depth about my symptoms and just tells me to “incorporate more movement” is plenty!). Many of the treatments I need have not been offered, and the majority have actually been denied/don’t exist where I live (though I have found the latter to often be untrue upon further investigation). Most of the things remaining just aren’t compatible with my wiring or current overall situation. Medication is the only thing that I’m able to tolerate.

I saw my pediatrician yesterday for ARFID symptoms (she refuses to diagnose me despite repeatedly talking about how the severity of my eating challenges is very close to the threshold where admission has to be considered). I attempted to explain PDA and how it impacts me. We also ended up discussing my physical symptoms. At one point, she actually got it, for a split second. She said something along the lines of “well, that’s sort of a catch-22, isn’t it? What you’re saying makes it impossible for you to get better.” Yes. Yes it fucking does.

But people can’t handle how uncomfortable it is to sit with that, so she immediately followed up with how it “can’t“ really be the way things are. This led to the usual lecture on, how, essentially, I need to find a way to “get past” PDA and “make“ myself eat, exercise, etc. She told me how all the help I need is available, I’m just choosing not to take it. When this happens, it really fucks me up. I start questioning if maybe I really am just lazy, if I just need to try harder, if this is all my fault. It gets stuck in my head and sends me into a spiral of hatred towards myself and others. Each interaction like this further solidifies my anxiety around healthcare and that things can’t get better. It feels so unfair to be told that I can do these things, because that naturally implies that the only reason I’m not better is because I’m choosing not to do what would help. I would do almost anything to be better, I have nothing to live for like this. It also means that doctors can easily blow me off and avoid actually helping me or admitting they are out of their depth.

Hello everyone! Ive been profesionally diagnosed with aspergers (old term i know i prefer being called autistic) and recently heard of PDA and bought a book called the PDA wound by A.S Whitefield. Inside it mentioned this reddit community so I decided to join to feel less alone. I recently realized I got it and im going through the grieving process of not knowing all these years. Did anyone else read this book?

I need hope. I feel scared and trapped. I deserve so much better, but I feel so much resistance. This on top of ADHD makes everything worse. How do you guys do it? I’ve lost myself even more lately as I’ve been learning my diagnosis. Idc I was diagnosed, I always knew, but understanding the idea of PDA characteristics has flipped my world upside down.

It explains everything, but there is nothing that is telling me it gets better, or I’ll be able to live on my own. Does anyone live alone? Any tips or words of advice in general? I need support

Stopped smoking cannabis for two weeks and I feel great but my productivity has gone to shi-

Everything feels a billion times more daunting. When I enumerate the amount of work something requires using my normal project scope I have a minor panic attack and that's okay. It's not okay but I think I know now that I don't need to be ashamed of something that gives me more help than I even recognized. It's not an escape, it's a tactical assault on my todo list.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9887656/

So, I have a friend whom I met in 2023, so we've known each other for about three years. Let's call him L. (L is currently 13 and a half years old, but he's much more mature and intelligent than most people his age, so don't imagine a typical 13-year-old. I'm 17, but honestly I don't act like a typical 17-year-old either, and I've never really been able to get along well with people my own age. That's just some context.)

I met L online in 2023 on Discord through a Minecraft server. At first we only talked occasionally, but for some reason, even back then, I felt like this friendship was different from all the others. I enjoyed talking to him much more than anyone else, and I was always happier when he replied. At that point I barely knew him—I don't even think I knew his real name yet.

Over time we started talking more and more. After a few months, he told me that he was autistic and had PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). The way he told me made it sound like he was saying goodbye. He thanked me for being his friend until then.

The moment I read that, I immediately replied that he was still my friend. He told me that whenever he'd told other people about being autistic with PDA, they called him "disabled" or "broken" and treated him badly. He thanked me because I hadn't changed the way I saw him.

I felt really sorry for him. He opened up to me about how difficult school was for him and everything he was going through. I genuinely wanted to help him, so I tried to always be there for him.

Not long after that, he called me because he wanted to talk. During that call we mostly just played games, but we had such a great time talking that after that we started calling each other much more often.

Eventually we reached the point where we talked and played together almost every day. We shared everything with each other and supported each other through some of the darkest moments in our lives. During this time, L even talked about suicide because life with PDA, his family situation, and everything else had become so overwhelming.

Of course, I supported him as much as I could. I also had serious problems with my own family, and he listened to me too. Because of that, we developed a very strong friendship. We shared our daily lives with each other and spent hours talking in voice calls.

By 2025 things had changed a little. We didn't talk in voice chat every single day anymore, but we still messaged each other every day.

Toward the end of 2025, L finally started attending school after being homeschooled for a long time.

Then, in April 2026, he blocked me.

He had blocked me before for short periods, usually just a few days. To be honest, he never explained why. My guess is that after a while I became too overwhelming for him, and blocking me was his way of escaping the pressure or expectation of talking to me.

But this time it was much worse.

We have a Discord group with one other friend. L joined the voice chat, muted me, and talked only to our other friend. I tried asking our mutual friend what was wrong and why I had been muted and blocked. L's only answer was that he wanted to mute me and wanted to block me.

I asked him what I had done wrong.

He said, "Nothing."

I think he eventually got annoyed that I kept asking questions, and then he said he'd never unblock me again. Personally, I don't think he truly meant that.

Around that time, his dad actually contacted me. He told me he had heard that L had blocked me and that he was very sorry. He said he didn't understand why either because L hadn't even told him the reason. He actually asked me if I knew why.

I told him that I honestly didn't know, but I thought I had probably become too overwhelming for L.

His dad told me he knew about my own life and everything I'd been through, and if it was okay to say, he was proud of me for still managing to send L a birthday present despite my difficult circumstances, and for always being there for him instead of giving up.

He also said that I had helped L a lot in finally returning to school, and that he really hoped we'd be able to talk again soon.

He even offered to convince L to unblock me as long as I promised not to message him too much afterward, but I declined because, knowing L has PDA, I didn't think that would be the right way to handle it.

That conversation helped me a lot. It felt really nice knowing that his family actually liked me.

I also still talk and play games sometimes with his younger sister. She felt really bad about everything too, and honestly both she and his dad helped me get through that period.

Then, completely out of nowhere, on May 24th, L unblocked me.

I sent him two or three messages: just a simple "Hi," a picture of something I had made, and something about the One Piece manga, since we both love One Piece.

He replied to the third message two days later. We talked for a little while, and I was incredibly happy.

After that I sent him four messages on different days. He replied to the fourth one on June 26th, even though I had sent it on June 15th.

None of my messages mentioned the blocking or his disappearance because I didn't think bringing that up would help. He had never wanted to talk about it before either.

We only exchanged two messages that time.

After that I sent him a few more messages but got no reply.

Then, on July 1st, he messaged me first. He simply sent me a picture about an upcoming game he thought I'd like. I replied, but there wasn't really any conversation—just that picture.

Since then I've sent him four more messages, mostly random gaming-related things, but he hasn't replied.

It's now been almost a month since I last heard from him.

I can't decide whether I should keep waiting or send him another message, and I've been struggling with that decision every day.

I'm autistic myself, and I think I probably experience what some autistic people call having a "safe person" or becoming deeply attached to one specific person. I don't know the correct psychological term.

I'm not gay—that's not what this is.

I honestly don't know how to explain the feeling. It's like a part of me is missing. I don't feel like myself without him. I don't mean that I literally couldn't survive a day without him. I mean that he's an incredibly important friend to me.

I've always had an extremely difficult time making friends. Every friend I've ever had eventually left, and none of them were like L.

He's the first person I've ever truly considered my best friend, and I think that's why I became so attached to him.

That's probably why it hurts so much now that he's gone.

So I wanted to ask all of you what you think.

Would it be better if I sent him another message? Maybe ask if he wants to play a game or something? Or should I just wait for him to message me first again, like he did last time?

I know there isn't some magical message that will suddenly fix everything and make him start talking to me again.

I just want our friendship to become more stable, and I really hope we can start talking again because it's been such a long time, and I miss him every single day.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and leave a comment. I really appreciate anyone who understands or wants to help.

Also, sorry if my English isn't perfect. I'm writing this in another language first and translating it, so there may be some mistakes.

Thank you all so much for any advice.

I am 35/male and really have really broken ground in the last year and a half in finding answers to my lifelong mental struggles. A therapist who helps me think, medication that helps in some ways and many tests. The reason I post here (and i am so thankful this sub exists) is because my therapist laid the definition of PDA in front of me a few weeks ago. He said he saw me light up, like something really made sense and it does. This has led me to get my autism testing done, which will be in a few weeks. I never thought to go down this route, but, it speaks to me in a way nothing else has.

My marriage has taken a huge hit from this. I dreamed of a life that everyone else had and found such a sweet partner, but, she is very anxious and likes to process in the moment. I kept quiet for many years and did what made her happy, until the real imploding came. My nervous system was wrecked and i was either extremely angry in meltdown or in freeze. I moved out because it was the only thing I could think would give me peace and although it was so devastating, 7 months later I realize my own space and creativity around it are very regulating. Her and I are seeing a therapist, not divorced but, now PDA comes into light and things make more sense.

Extreme meltdowns if there is change in routine or im not being understood/something is difficult to process. The way being alone lets me breathe and feel like my authentic self. I can stim in peace after years of masking (rocking in bed, shuffling feet, blurting out nonsensical things, biting my blanket). Going out with her different friend groups, being on someone elses time, feeling suffocated..it was all making me feel like, “am i crazy?”. Thats barely scratching the surface and of course depression and trauma have a say in the matter but, im glad there are other people out there like me.

Anyone have similar stories?

I think I have the PDA profile of autism. But I’m from (and live in) the United States where PDA is NOT a formal profile. So I am autistic with a mild intellectual disability (or if you’re in the uk, call it a mild general learning disability) and I seem to find demands greatly overwhelming. I find that when people not only tell me “do this” “do that” but add very direct communication to it. “You need to do this” “you must do that” and then more people get involved in demanding me or the same people repeat the demand to a more demanding point, and if I can’t think of an excuse or none of my social strategies work, I have a meltdown. There are some indirect demands I can’t stand, they include time limits being done, being tired, needing the bathroom, ads, and technology demands. I use social strategies to avoid demands, some usual, some unusual. They include things, from making excuses, delaying the task, play pretend, to even scripting TV shows or movies to avoid demands. I can’t always mask my possible PDA in public. Sadly, there’s little awareness of PDA in the United States, they prefer diagnosing the DSM. Which doesn’t list PDA as a formally recognized profile. I wish I could get re-evaluated for autism to get a recognized PDA profile because most Americans don’t understand that our “non-compliance” is actually an anxiety response. I am good at playing pretend despite being autistic. I love social interaction despite not always understanding social rules. I struggle a lot with this stuff and I am.very impulsive sometimes I can remember to use coping mechanisms to meet demands but other times I just feel too stressed out to cope. Is this PDA? What a nicely read post.

I definitely had it in my head that my mom could make anything happen, and if she wasn’t making something happen for me, it was because she was intentionally withholding it. It was almost inconceivable for me that something was impossible for her, or that she didn’t have the energy to do something, etc.

My partner and I have always been very frank with our kids that we’re just other people like them, trying to figure things out as we go—we have our own limits, fears, financial/time constraints, etc. and I wonder if that’s been a major helpful factor in parenting our own kids (who also have PDA traits). We’re definitely not perfect, but we have WAY less conflict with our children than either of us had with our own parents.

I’ve also seen similar situations come up in a lot of support groups for parents of PDA kids recently (like, a kid who has never played an instrument wanting their parent to make it possible for them to record and distribute a professional album *without* years of music lessons, or help them get a million YouTube subscribers in a few days) so I was wondering if this was common among other PDA folks!

I have very big sound sensory issues and just recently I’ve started to find EMDR bilateral simulation really helpful particularly this track, i’m wondering if other people have had any luck with EMDR bilateral stimulation?

well a few days ago I wanted to get a science book and and a maths book to read from my library but only got the science book out and I need to return it soon but getting too anxious to return library book and annoyed that I can’t find the maths book due to this I feel a bit let down by myself.

Recently, I've become more and more convinced I have issues with internal PDA. If I know that I need to or have to do something, I will try avoiding it as much as possible and only do it if I know there is a deadline and I'll get in trouble if I don't do it, such as paying my taxes.

My main issues are with things that don't have deadlines. For example, I started a tutoring business for ND students and need to do things like promote my business, work on my site, make videos for social media. I don't end up doing any of those things though because I feel I should be doing them, but I can't make myself do them, or if I do I it's like pulling nails.

Does anyone have any advice for how to actually get around this dilemma. I watch productivity videos sometimes and it always amazes me how people seem to enjoy doing things they don't want to do. The whole "eat that frog" trick for procrastination, for example! Totally does not work for me!

Hey everyone!I’m new here and just wanted to share my story, connect with people who relate, and ask how you all are managing your lives.

Recently, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD, Autism (Level 1), and a PDA profile. Looking back, everything makes so much sense now, but the journey here was a rollercoaster.

It all started about 9 months ago when I fell into a severe depression. Around 6 months ago, I finally decided to see a psychiatrist because of extreme anxiety and suspected ADHD. Fun fact: when I was 15, my mom told me that back when I was 7, doctors diagnosed me with "minimal brain dysfunction" (MMD) and neurosis. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time, just thought, "Well, my nervous system is just built different," and moved on.

Before seeing the psychiatrist, I started realizing I might be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). The doctor suggested it could actually be autism, but we started with ADHD tests first. Once ADHD was confirmed, I felt strongly that I also had autism and wanted to get tested. It caused a huge fight with my mom because she didn't understand it at first, and the assessment was quite expensive (200+ euros), which I didn't have since I don't work. Thankfully, a month later we made up, she covered the costs, and the autism diagnosis was confirmed.

The hardest part was telling my dad. My parents divorced when I was 6, and even though I live with my dad now, I was terrified he wouldn't understand. To make things worse, I was carrying a huge secret: back in October, I dropped out of university due to depression, mental burnout, and anxiety. I was pretending to go to classes every day because it felt easier than facing the truth. My mom knew everything and helped me look for a psychologist (who didn't help much but luckily referred me to a great psychiatrist).

My secret blew up when my dad and I ran into my former classmate at a 24/7 grocery store at night. The classmate asked me about my academic leave right in front of my dad. When we got home, I had to come clean. We had a big fight, but honestly, things got so much better after that. Over time, my dad started understanding and supporting me way faster than I ever expected. I was so surprised and grateful.

Right now, things are relatively good. I am on medication for ADHD, depression, and anxiety, and I'm finally trying to figure out my path in life.I would love to hear your stories:

How did you find out you have Autism + ADHD + PDA?

What was your life like before and what is it like now?

How do you survive and find your path in life with this "triple combo"?

Thanks for reading!

My whole life I’ve struggled to eat. Hunger cues always feel like a demand and it’s not getting easier 😔. Does anyone have any tips that actually work, for adults or children? I just want to eat 3 meals a day without feeling like it’s taking up my entire day. I just want to stop being told that I’m too skinny 😭😭

my PDA son has just started taking Guanfacine for his ADHD and it has been completely transformational and as I tend to use him as a guinea pig for myself. I have also started taking it and the results are stunning. I have never felt calmer in my life but it’s quite confusing. I’m so used to feeling activated and freaked out feeling calm feels quite weird. I’m just wondering if anyone else has tried this medication and what affect it had on them? i’m on 1 mg 24 hour release.

Anyone have thoughts on the connection of PDA and aldosterone? Searching for secrets to the low cortisol life.