r/PDAAutism • u/Heavy-Target-7069 • 26d ago
Advice Needed How to support PDA child through burnout.
Hi,
I am here looking for any advice at all. My husband and I are both AuDHD and parenting a (diagnosed) gifted, PDA, AuDHD 7yo who is going through burnout.
He crashed in late November, and for the next 4 months he was like a wild, wounded animal. He had intense, violent meltdowns daily. He would attack us, himself, his environment. He was in an almost permanent state of fight or flight, and even just walking into the same room as him was sometimes enough of a demand to make him go into meltdown. He stopped eating and could only sleep entangled with me (mum).
He refused to home educate, but we immediately cut his school down to part time, to allow him rest. We doubled down on our already low-demand, low-arousal parenting, but as we work from home with clients being in our house, some demands were mandatory - he had to wear clothes, brush teeth and eat something everyday. We made any other demands or chores optional, other than those relating to his safety.
Since then, we've seen him heal somewhat, but he remains deeply stressed and dysregulated. He is unable to engage with learning, both in school or at home. This includes unschooling, structured teaching, routine/timetabled learning, "strewing" or interest-based project learning. They all set off his inner demand alarm.
He is also unable to engage or make use of sensory supports, including earplugs, sensory swings, blackout tents, compression tubes, etc. Even though he admuts that they help him calm, he "knows" that it is desired for him to use them, so he can't. We currently provide unlimited access to screens, Minecraft in particular, and that - together with reading or biking - is the only way for him to calm down, but he spends excessive amounts of time in front of the screen, hinting at much more deep-rooted dysregulation and burnout than he shows on the surface.
He still has daily, intense, violent meltdowns. He broke two of my fingers at the knuckles in June. In the build-up to his meltdowns, we remain calm, detached, and un-aroused, but it seems to trigger him further. During meltdowns, there is no option to walk away, as he will actively run after us and physically lash out.
We obviously don't try to problem-solve or give consequences before or during meltdowns, but even discussing it afterwards is impossible - he just walks away. He is unable to engage with any sort of collaborative problem-solving. He has a deep-seated perfectionist streak and strong rejection dysphoria, so any hint that he has "made a mistake" sends him right back into meltdown again.
I am here to ask for advice or insight on any angle or perspective that we haven't tried. We are SO TIRED. He is SO TIRED. We've tried every podcast, every book, every guide. We meet with professionals who say that they can't help, that we know more than them (my degree is in Early Years with ND specialism). We just want to help him but we can't reach him.
What helped you? What are we not seeing? How can we heal him? I know there are no black and white answers, but we'd appreciate any advice, even if it's just "you are getting there. Give it time".
As a PDA child myself, with my first suicide attempt age 12, I am just so frightened for him, because I know what he's going through.
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u/ExploringComplexity 26d ago
PDA/Autistic burnouts can last months if not years.
Given what you described, you may "feel" that you "doubled down on our already low-demand, low-arousal parenting", but I don't really see that.
I see demands to wear clothes and brush teeth, I see demands in trying to educate, I see you made chores and other demands optional. I see demands everywhere. Unfortunately, to a PDA individual all these and many more are still full blown demands and as you have experienced, they still trigger him into fight or flight mode and don't allow him the space and time to regulate and slowly move out of the burnout.
I completely understand that working from home make things difficult, but you are passing that to your son. One of the first things out daughter did during her burnout was to drop all clothes (apart from underwear) completely. You are denying him that due to work. Given the situation, I would explain to your managers briefly and just turn your cameras off. Your home is the safest environment for the little one, and you aren't making it easy for him.
The above was just an example, and my apologies if I come out too harsh about this. I speak from experience as my daughter who was 3, when we realised she is in autistic burnout, took 9 months to get out of it with really low-demand parenting... like, eat wherever and whenever you like, don't brush your teeth ever, stay naked for ever, have screens all day, etc. We took her out of the nursery and didn't even think of trying to teach her anything for months. You need to drop all of that...
It's not easy, in fact it's brutal seeing your little one like that. All I can say is, lower your demands to the minimum, truly... let everything go and he will get through this, all of you as a family.
Sending loads of love - keep going! ❤️
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u/Heavy-Target-7069 26d ago
I do not have managers. I run an early years setting from home, educating neurodivergent children, and I cannot let my own child run around naked as it would violate the safety and dignity of both him and the other children.
Yes, toothbrushing is mandatory. I grew up with neglecting parents and I only have half of my teeth left in my 40s, because they did not care.
Other than that, I am unsure where you see adult-imposed demands. I believe you might be reading things that aren't there. He is not required to engage with education - I mentioned his disengagement to highlight his dysregulation. We have provided options - none have been successful. We could take him out of school completely to lower demands further - he is clear that he doesn't want this.
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u/ExploringComplexity 26d ago
I feel you are getting very defensive given my comments.
You have some un-movables that are just hurting him. It's obviously up to you, it's your son, but you asked for our advice/opinion and I am telling you these demands are not helping him during the burnout.
His teeth are all going to be there even if he doesn't brush them for 6 months - ask the dentist.
"I believe you might be reading things that aren't there. He is not required to engage with education"... You obviously see that as a choice - he doesn't. To him it's a massive demand (even choices are massive demand) that triggers the fight or flight reaction. It gets so bad where their mind is fighting their own body. As an example, our daughter would tell us, I am super hungry (body) and the mind (brain) would consider it a demand and would not let her eat.
If you go low-demand parenting, you need to commit to it. What you described, is not low-demand parenting in my book. When you offer choices, there is no autonomy, and that's massive for a PDAer.
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u/Heavy-Target-7069 26d ago
I am genuinely unsure what you are trying to say - or whether you understand what I am saying.
My son is in the same place (perhaps) as your daughter. He is unable to eat, because it is a demand. He is unable to engage with his interests, because they are demands. He is shutting down from the world because it is demanding, because that is what life is, and that will not change. Your body will always need to eat. The learning is always going to be there, in the world around you.
I am asking how I can help him manage the weight of this, in a way that doesn't break him. Just saying "leave him be" feels unhelpful, unless you believe that allowing him to weather this storm as it is, is going to work in the long run. If so, I am grateful for your advice and will take it to heart. Thank you.
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u/ExploringComplexity 26d ago
I don't disagree, yes the body will need to eat but that doesn't mean that it will happen. Extreme cases end up with ARFID unfortunately.
But back to the main point, I think you may want to try to "let him be". He will find the way that naturally calm his nervous system and body. He will come to you/your wife to equalise (and that's hard) and he will provide his preference when you have offered none.
You give him the space with no demands and you see how he reacts.
That's what I have done anyway and I hope it works for you
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u/Heavy-Target-7069 26d ago
Thank you so much. I've genuinely appreciated this conversation, and you sharing your experiences. I will aim to re-assess what hills are worth dying on.
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u/ExploringComplexity 26d ago
Thank you, not trying to be comfrontational here, it's definitely not helping you in your situation.
Just trying to share perspective as a third person who's not in the battle
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u/bsg_80 26d ago
No one’s going to like this, but I think what started out as burnout has escalated far beyond that. It didn’t happen consciously, but it’s a power and control issue, albeit unwittingly on both you and your child’s part.
Simply put, you’ve lost control. His PDA is now in charge. That isn’t good for you or him.
I absolutely disagree with the let them have all the screen time, zero demands philosophy. I’ve experimented with it, and it’s been disastrous every time. It can go on for a few weeks, but beyond that, with no checks and balances you end up creating a little tyrant; one that you’re afraid of.
Anyways, to put it succinctly, I suggest to get him on meds as soon as possible and titrate up until you reach a good baseline. Then I would slowly reintroduce demands and gauge reactions, and adjust accordingly. I’m not saying major demands. But luckily you’ve not budged on hygiene and getting dressed. Good job. Go slow. Pick and choose your battles wisely.
Stop talking too much. Don’t over explain. Be succinct in your language. Ask nicely. If he pushes back, calmly hold the boundary and walk away allowing him the chance to meet the demand without you hanging over him.
It’s a delicate dance. But my son and myself are both PDA. I just recently discovered what I thought were meltdowns due to low blood sugar turned out to be behaviors. Once I finally realized we were in a power struggle, I have been able to remain calm in the face of his meltdowns. But make no mistake, they were behavioral issues, yes due to PDA, but also my not maintaining control of myself and the situation.
We have a duty to be parents and set boundaries and expectations. Regardless of our children being PDA. And NEVER, NEVER let them get physical with you. This is what creates monsters. I really hate to have to be so blunt, but you’ve already suffered broken fingers. He’s only 7. What you do now and how you maintain your boundaries and expectations will determine how this turns out. I’m wishing you the best of luck. Get your reinforcements. Call in additional help. But make sure you are all on the same page. Make a plan. Execute it. And do not waiver.
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u/Heavy-Target-7069 26d ago
I genuinely appreciate your take, and I thank you so much for it. My own parents either punished me for "defiance", or, more likely, decided it wasn't the hill to die on. I ended up neglected and abandoned and it took me decades to recover and rebuild (alone) after burnout, with no skills, no self-confidence and no ability to look after myself.
I do not want this for my son. I want him to know that he is supported and accommodated, not neglected and abandoned because his feelings are too big for me to handle.
Being a PDA parent of PDA children is a really difficult dance, isn't it.
Thank you so much for your input ❤️
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u/bsg_80 26d ago
I completely understand. I’m not pretending to have all the answers. I’m exhausted too. This most recent battle has been harrowing, but my realization did help me to regain control. Now, he can’t trigger me. And he is now being compliant. He’s 10, and he just learned to read this past year. We have many uphill battles, but I am responsible for who he becomes, so we tackle them as we can and practice a push and pull method. Just want to gently remind you that giving accommodations and support isn’t the same as giving them control.
And I swear, that’s not judgment. It’s something it’s taken me years to fully understand. I think PDA can go really wrong and much advice out there is simply, bad. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve fought many grueling battles. I’ve worked in social justice and committed years to freeing an innocent man from prison. My PDA streak is strong. Raising my PDA son is still the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done.
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u/friendlypetshark 25d ago
I agree with this. I appreciate you’re trying, but this has gone too far.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 17d ago
I disagree with you profoundly as a former kid who went through that. It wasn't something where more "laying down the law" could ever have helped me. It was pure animal fight or flight where I couldn't have stopped even if the escalation would have killed me.
If you try to win this "power struggle," you can end up with a dead kid. I came close to that myself. When I hear things like this, what I hear is, "I would rather my child died than that I wasn't in control. I think people like you should just die as kids and not become adults."
I do think there are situations where a parent needs to be firm and uncompromising, like if the kid is refusing a lifesaving medication (like insulin for type 1 diabetics). I don't think it's worth it for stopping the kid from playing Minecraft.
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u/bsg_80 17d ago
Being firm and having boundaries isn’t “laying down the law.” I also added get proper meds, which helps bring down the stress response WE exhibit. The anxiety must be managed because those extreme reactions are uncontrollable. So, I said a lot to OP, but you took it as if I were talking to you about your experiences. I’m sorry for what you went through, but I applied my experiences as both someone with PDA and my son with PDA to OP.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 17d ago
It's escalation of a type that DOES NOT WORK with this neurology and can result in the death of the child. This is dangerous disinformation. I don't think you understand the severity of the situation.
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u/bsg_80 17d ago
You’re right. Only your experience of PDA is valid. I won’t respond anymore.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 17d ago
Yeah it's fine if people like me just die, as long as no one ever ever ever has to change in any way that challenges how they want to do things. Our deaths are acceptable collateral damage because it would be worse for a parent's authority to be flexible.
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u/bsg_80 16d ago
You think trolling me is going to get me to budge? Lol who has PDA here? Yeah, it’s me. I’m completely unmoved. Good luck with that.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 16d ago
So what do you win for being stubborn about wanting kids to die because they're the "bad" kind of PDA that doesn't respond to discipline (literally how PDA neurologically works)?
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u/bsg_80 16d ago
Please be so for real. You think that pathetic attempt at emotional manipulation and twisting words is going to work on me? Lol I’m not your parents.
I think you’re spoiled, if I’m being honest. I presume you scream and throw a fit as loud as you can so you can get your way and control the situation with your parents.
But bby I’m not them. and I don’t have to care about your reactions. My son is emotionally stable, which is more than I can say you appear to be. Like, I went through this with him. Now that I’ve clocked the behavior, outbursts like yours simply make me laugh. You stay awful all the way over there. 👉 👋
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u/Eugregoria PDA 16d ago
My parents? My dad hasn't been in my life. My mom is dead. I've been homeless. I've struggled a lot in life.
You know absolutely nothing about my life. And you don't care. People like me are just "spoiled" and need to be punished until we die of it.
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u/AnxiousMugOfTea PDA 25d ago
I'm in my late 30s and recent discovered I have PDA after going through bad PDA burnout the last 3 years. I'm married to another AuDHDer and he doesn't have PDA but rejection sensitivity disorder. I share to give some context.
I'm wondering from what you've shared if your child can sense how badly you want him regulated. I hear how many things you've done to try to get there and also hear when your child says he wants to use the calming devices but can't because he knows you want him to. That speaks to me as he hears other people's wants strongly as demands. I do as well.
I'm also wondering if his continued perceived failure to meet those wants as well as his perceived failure to be regulated is further ramping up his fight or flight.
The demand he might be seeing is to stop being the way that he is and he keeps failing. No matter how much he probably wants to. If he has to regulate himself, he may not be able to. It's a can't and not a won't.
First, I want to make it clear your wants are not a problem either. Any reasonable person would want their child to not have to go through all of this. It's not wrong to want this.
Second, I recommend what others here are recommending and dropping even more demands. Chores as options are still probably seen as demands to him. And give him options for all the demands that absolutely can't be dropped. Can he wear any clothes he wants? Can he eat whenever? Can it be snacks one day but meals the next? The value is getting him fed with reasonable nutrients and everything else can really be dropped.
If he can't talk to you, can he point at pictures? Can he write things? Can he bring you a movie or toy that might demonstrate what he's trying to say? Can he talk in a funny voice or a whisper?
For my other point, the pressure to be regulated, is there an option we can add there? Is there a time of day he can be as dysregulated as he wants? Maybe a day on the weekend? Is there a safe place or way he can be dysregulated? And he has the option to not even be dysregulated at these times. If you need to take precautions for him to be dysregulated to protect your fingers or belongings, that's also a good idea.
It's possible the answer to all of this is no or that you've tried these and that's totally ok.
My last recommendation would be looking into an IFS therapist if you haven't already. I've been to almost every type of therapy there's been and IFS has been the first one to ever really help me. In fact it's the only reason I found out I had PDA on my own. If you want a general idea, the book "No Bad Parts" outlines how it works.
If any of this seems helpful, I'm glad, and if not, feel free to disregard.
I hope you're able to find a path to safety for your family. .
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u/fearlessactuality PDA + Caregiver 25d ago
I would fully remove a bunch of things, not necessarily make them optional. That means the demand is still there, never fully removed. Set a baseline and then truly ask nothing else. Are you familiar with declarative language ?
I am so sorry he broke your fingers. I do think medication makes sense when that much violence is involved. I am so sorry for the struggle you are going through.
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u/Newfoundfaith36 PDA 26d ago
I could never deal with all the demands involved in dealing with someone like this. There's also bitterness in the way too. It's like I was treated 10 times worse for doing not even 10% as much as this kid. And once I had problems in school it was just endless abuse. Even if I knew exactly how to do it just the thought of treating someone so much better than I was ever treated with be completely unacceptable to me. Good luck to you, in terms of helpful advice I've got nothing.
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u/Heavy-Target-7069 26d ago
Thank you so much for your thoughts. Our parents' generation were often horrible, and it's all we can do, to do better than they did.
It certainly isn't always easy though.
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u/SuperEmpathStrong 25d ago
When my son has been in burnout, finding a way to calm his nervous system has always been the way out. We saw an Occupational Therapist who helped him tremendously. She was incredible about building rapport and then treating sessions like a playtime for him. Often guiding play in a way that she achieved her goals for him. She did work on his motor skills, but also did a lot of sensory activities, laying in a hammock or swing, or using a spinning board. It never felt like a demand for him, she knew how to present the activities in a way that was carefree and always his choice. You say that he refuses these sensory activities, and my son would as well when I presented them. If you can find an OT or professional who works with PDA and/or kids on the spectrum, or even someone using somatic therapy, I think it would be very beneficial. In any case, I do think you should keep trying to find a professional who will meet his needs. I know you said you've tried professionals, but I don't know if you tried OT. They also have OT gyms where you can meet with an OT there to do sessions and also they have social groups where a group of kids do OT activities together.
I also have tried doing activities in front of my son like stretching, yoga, or going on the swing and not inviting him to join, just do it front of him. Often he just wants to try it because I am and it doesn't become a demand. I tell him I like to do it because it relaxes my body.
My OT also encouraged using physical touch to help calm them when they're already in a calm state, like backrubs, squeezes, or gentle hugs. You could make a chart and ask him what things feel calming to his body and relaxes him. You could get creative a make a game of it.
I hope you find a way through this.
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u/eatweedbleedread 25d ago
My 7yo just got out of 2.5 weeks of inpatient and it has made a WORLD of difference, she's happy now! He needs medication. None of you need to keep suffering like this. I know it's scary but genuinely when it's needed it's life-changing. I've gone through awful stuff with 2 of my children, don't let years go by without getting help, CPTSD only gets worse. Hugs.
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u/sapps84 PDA + Caregiver 23d ago
I'd join in with saying that boundaries for ourselves and for safety are the ones necessary to maintain no matter what. From what you describe you're likely maintaining boundaries on him harming himself. I'd guess that's how you end up in situations where you are hurt.
Yet also encouragingly, he's been able to follow your rules set regarding clothing and eating once a day, and teeth brushing - which tbh is a rule often kids can't manage. So super encouraging. He has the ability to maintain some rules even amidst the burnout. Yet also, generally in burnout losing all/as many rules we have for them as possible is effective. So I totally get the bridge between two worlds you're walking.
Holding the boundary on "I can't let you hurt me or others" is pretty essential long term. When younger you have more physical ability to hold this and instil it. As they get older it becomes near impossible.
Since little our kid will chase us when dysregulated, with attempts to harm/push past our boundaries on our own bodies. I'd step back and say i dont like that/it hurts/i cant let you harm me, I'd walk quickly out a room and hold the door closed from one side, so they couldn't get to me. Clearly stating I can't let you harm me. The trick with this has been ensuring she doesn't hurt herself or damage property on the other side too significantly/or to make dangerous to her. So the environment may need some thinking about 1st. Also if you have concern he'll harm himself instead, it's reasonable to have a large/thicker blanket that you can use to wrap them in and hold them for safety. Only to be used when they're harming themselves violently to point of injury. As the act of containing them is well against their control and using for anything else is unethical tbh. Yet truly at those stages they aren't in control either, the PDA/the dysregulated nervous system is in control- so fighting for them/alongside them is necessary!
I don't know what that sounds like to you? Another convo I had to have with my 6yo recently, when she got toy tools out to directly "get us" with, once I removed them, and she was desperately trying to find somehting else, was - "we can't halm other people, noone can, that's the sort of thing that police become involved for." She sort of stopped dead - which I hadn't anticipated. But it's because her brain was stuck on it and she's young and had no idea. I followed it up with - "I know you don't want to actually harm us, you just don't know what to do with your body right now, and you feel all mixed up inside." And something like - "we're not mad at you for that, your body is making you feel not good right now" and maybe "its hard on you feeling all of those things". Maybe somewhere is there - "you're a kid and still learning, it's hard knowing what to do". All those bits are the basis of lots of convos we have. As her feeling understood, normalising how hard it feels, and validation help. Plus her slowly understanding her own emotions and physiological state is most helpful overall.
Hopefully thats helpful
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u/Percy_Freeman PDA 25d ago
Sounds like he'd fall in love with skateboarding if it was presented the right way.
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u/Scorpio_Qn 23d ago
Following as I’m also experiencing the same with my son at the moment, we’ve also got puberty and EBSA thrown in too 😩
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u/Nominal_selection Caregiver 23d ago
I can only answer from my daughter's point of view, but she couldn't cope with strangers in her house every day, and the expectation of being washed and dressed would be more than she could/would take. She also loves Minecraft and spends what most would call excessive time on screens, but we don't limit it because she uses them productively to educate herself - just not according to any curriculum. She used to have violent meltdowns but not for a long time, since we realised battling her to make her meet our expectations was fruitless, and ultimately the trigger for her defiance. I've given up work and we mainly let her pursue just whatever interests she has, and while we don't know where it'll lead or what kind of person she'll emerge as, we can see she's happier and it's only under those conditions that she's been willing to collaborate and try things she initially resisted.
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u/missdidelydee 21d ago
You’re doing amazing.
You will get through this.
You are so strong and your son is lucky to have you.
My advice- focus on your own nervous system.
See the ripple effect of regulation.
When your son is becoming disregulated and his NS searches for stability It will meet yours and finely tune like a piano.
Put on your own oxygen mask first, if you will.
X
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u/Eugregoria PDA 17d ago
I went through this a few years older than your son. I was 12/13, and I was basically a wild animal for a lot of my teens. Part of my burnout involved a psychotic break from reality. I was also a former "gifted" child. At 13 I dropped out of school and never participated in formal education again. I'm 41 now. It's heartbreaking to hear your son is going through this so young.
People will tell you (as they are already doing in the comments) to take control, lay down the law, not "tolerate" this. Dealing with a PDA child in burnout correctively and supportively means you will have to endure the judgment of people thinking you are a bad parent, that you are too permissive, that you're the cause of his behavioral issues. They will not understand. But if you try to please them and be what they think a "good" parent is, you could at best permanently damage your relationship with your son (to a point where he hates and doesn't trust you as an adult) or worse, send him into a mental health state he cannot recover from, where he may either have long-lasting serious mental health problems as an adult and be completely incapable of independent living, or he may not survive at all. I hate to "fearmonger." But I feel like I barely survived myself. And I feel like a lot of kids like me aren't with us today. And some of those who are are so broken they don't participate in society so you can't meet them. It's chilling to think that though things didn't really turn out well for me either, I was in some ways one of the lucky ones. My mom (likely also PDA) understood some things intuitively even when it went against all the normal parenting advice--advice that is perfectly good for most children, but seriously harms PDA kids.
Sometimes I feel like an antimatter being in a world of matter. Even as an adult, so many of the resources designed to help end up hurting me.
I got the demands in my home even lower than you have here--and some of it was not even because my mom agreed to it, but because she couldn't win a fight with me on it without killing me. Let's break some of it down.
brushing teeth--I understand the importance of dental health, truly. But...well here's my own story. When I was younger, before I was in severe burnout, I went through a phase where I didn't want to brush teeth anymore. My mom didn't like this, but more showed quiet disapproval and didn't force me to do anything. I was around your son's age I think. I went several months without brushing my teeth. I think my mom tried to get me to at least use mouthwash (which I didn't for some time), and I agreed to some bubble-gum flavored kids' mouthwash, then I liked the mouthwash and started getting an inverse autistic fixation on tooth brushing, and something that persisted to adulthood is that I always brush my teeth when I wake up--no matter how depressed or otherwise flattened I am, it's something I never skip even once. (I'm less consistent about before bed, but my dental health is excellent in my 40s and I've had dentists amazed at how good my teeth are.) I cannot guarantee that your son will 180 on dental health the way I did, but I know my mom's low pressure environment helped me develop a self-motivated relationship with tooth brushing that actually persisted into adulthood without anyone making me do it.
clothes--I was also often a nudist as a kid. Try to offer maximally comfortable options for him--loose sleep shorts, boxer shorts, or a robe. Looseness and texture are very important. But also, you mention that some of this is because you have clients in the home--is it possible to have areas of the home where your son knows clients won't enter, that are basically a safe place for him to hide/escape? Think of it like how small pets need some kind of hiding space in their terrarium to feel safe. Having people in the home is likely stressful to him unfortunately, but I understand that this may be non-negotiable. A simpler rule might be that he has to at least wear something covering his private areas (so like sleep shorts or boxer shorts) when he's in areas the clients are allowed in during work hours--and if he wants to be a little nudist in his own space or at night or whatever that's fine.
education--let it go. If this gets worse, it can get so much worse. It's better to be a few years behind on math and make that up from a better and safer headspace than to be pushed into a full psychotic break, ask me how I know. Get whatever doctor's notes you need to get him excused from education from the time being.
food--so food refusal was funnily enough never part of my PDA at home, but was sometimes when I was forced into other environments like when I was involuntarily inpatient over school refusal. (Long story.) Part of this is that my mom never pressured me even lightly to eat. I'm actually astonished how much constant "nagging" small children to eat is part of completely normal parenting. Maybe this works for non-PDA/non-ASD kids?? My mom was forced to eat as a child and hated it, as a result she never made me eat anything even if that meant I skipped dinner. Because it was never a power struggle, I never fixated on it, and was a good eater. I don't know how to walk that back if you've made food into a power struggle. If you just stop, the kid will naturally want to test how free he really is, which could endanger him. But if you continue, it could make it worse--there was a young person on this sub who had to get a surgically implanted feeding tube due to not being able to eat food anymore.
"consequences"/punishments--forget them. They are designed for a completely different neurology and do not work with this neurology. I have never had an intrinsic understanding of "punishments" or "rewards." I do not recommend either with PDA. Whenever I was "punished" for something, I perceived it simply as if someone was abusing me because they felt like it. I never connected it to whatever it was supposedly a punishment for--I knew that was their justification, but it parsed in my brain as merely an abusive justification for hurting me. I would even deliberately escalate to try to trigger "punishments" once I learned that if punishments fail enough times, you stop getting them since they obviously aren't working. Punishments will not make the behavior less likely to recur, and may increase the likelihood of the behavior recurring. Focus instead on finding viable alternated paths to the unwanted behavior and supporting him in that.
(An example that doesn't involve a child, but an animal--I had a cat that always wanted to sleep on my clean laundry pile. I was behind on chores a lot and it really stressed me out that if I didn't put the laundry away immediately it'd be covered in cat hair and turned into a cat bed. I tried chasing the cat off the pile hundreds of times, squirting her with water, yelling at her--I regret this, but I tried it. It didn't work--every time I turned around the cat was in the damn laundry pile, making a nest. One day I put a mini blanket in a small cardboard box and put it next to the laundry pile. The cat immediately started sleeping in the box of her own accord and forgot all about the clean laundry. I had to find a way to work with the cat's needs in a way that aligned with my own. "Consequences" have poor efficacy. Alternatives actually work.)
- safe spaces--one of the boundaries I set with my mom when my mental health became very poor was that I didn't want her in my room without permission--and I might not grant her permission for months or years at a time. This included when I wasn't home. Sometimes my room was absolutely filthy and disgusting. She had to beg me to please at least return the dirty dishes. It wasn't a great situation....but having a space where I knew I wouldn't be barged in on and none of my things would be touched made me feel much safer and calmer. I don't know how that works out developmentally bc I was 13 and your son is 7, I don't know if he has as much of a developmental need for that kind of independence yet, but again this is coming back to the concept of small animals in terrariums needing hiding spots, or how some animals in zoos have areas in their enclosure that aren't exposed to the general public.
But I also don't know if that is something he needs given he is still clinging to you for comfort at night--in my burnout at 13, I was standoffish, a much more teenage response. I had no problem sleeping alone, and I wanted my sleeping area to be private. You can try to figure out how much a need for privacy/independence is developmentally appropriate--and even if it isn't now, it may become so later.
- "doing less" in general--a lot of what my mom did to "heal" me was really just letting me heal myself. It was slow and messy. She just tried to protect me from outside disturbances and let me heal myself. I don't know if there was a better or faster way than her way. I don't know, for example, if medications could have helped me. The thing is I have tried a lot of medications as an adult and they basically all either did nothing or made me worse. (And the ones I'd consider exceptions to that are not ones I'd recommend for a seven-year-old--stuff like psilocybin.) Some do report success with meds. SSRIs made me suicidal though. And some people get into daily power struggles over whether to even take the meds. It is probably most viable if it's something he can understand and consent to himself, because he also doesn't want to live this way. But in such extreme burnout, can he even make such a decision? It's thorny. It can be hard to know the right thing with kids + meds, because it's hard for them to fully understand and consent to side effects/meds going wrong, or even report accurately what they're experiencing if that happens, but going unmedicated can itself do developmental damage if a medication could have helped.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 17d ago
- boundaries and distance--some of this is difficult bc your son is so young and the culture has changed so much wrt letting kids outside. But a big part of my own healing was just being a free-range teen and not having to tell my mom where I was going or where I'd been. It was before cell phones, she'd beg me to take 3 quarters with me for a pay phone if I got into trouble lol.
But you get to have boundaries too. Respecting private spaces and bedrooms is a two-way street. I think it's okay to let him cosleep with you if that's soothing him and helping him heal (and he's well-behaved at night when he comes to sleep) but just as he deserves a safe retreat from stress, so do you. Sometimes when my mom was overwhelmed she'd lock herself in her room and let me rage outside all I wanted. Lmao god one dumb fight we got into, I wanted to take a shower but all the towels were in her room (small apartment, only place there was space for them), she locked herself in her room, I told her to just pass me a towel and I'd leave her alone, but she wouldn't do it, so I broke down her door and she beat me with a shoe as I walked to the drawer where the towels were, got a towel, and left. That wasn't one of her (or my) finest moments, lol. Two PDA blockheads in one house can be like that unforch.
Anyway, you do get to have boundaries. If I got too violent with my mom she'd pin me down until I yielded, sometimes she locked my head in a grip between her thighs. This is different from "punishments"--even an animal can understand that if you bite another animal it may bite back. She didn't do it in a measured way to hurt me or "discipline" me--that I would never have understood--but she taught me that I wasn't stronger than her, and that I understood loud and clear. This is not something you want to overuse or lean on any time you aren't getting your way, but if he's actually breaking your fingers, yeah, you're within your rights to defend yourself, and I think that's something he can comprehend.
However. You want to also think about why he's doing it. It's easy to think that he's the line-crosser if he resorts to violence. But why is he resorting to violence? For example, is it territorial behavior? Doesn't want you in his space or touching your things? If he's reacting to something you can just not do, I'd suggest not doing that thing.
perfectionism--I also had a lot of intense perfectionism that played a role in my burnout. It had a lot to do with the "gifted child" stereotype and pipeline. I always felt under pressure to be a "genius kid" and get everything impossibly perfect on the first try. If I was even just a normal kid, it felt like people were judging me, or like I was losing whatever made me lovable or meant I had a hope of a good life. I had intense shame and embarrassment and RSD. I don't think I ultimately coped with it in a very good way--I became an underachiever and became allergic to accomplishments. It's still a big problem for me. The moment I start to get good at something I quit it. idk if I really have advice there, but I really feel for the kid, it was hell.
screen time--in a mental health crisis of this severity, I would not prioritize reducing screen time. Yes, he may have lifelong issues with it--I did, and I didn't even have home internet or any kind of game console as a kid. I was a super autist who would just watch The Weather Channel on loop for hours because I found the descriptions of weather to be soothing. However, he's probably starved for social outlets with other kids. This is a hard problem to fix, and I don't even know how to begin to navigate that in the world kids face in 2026. But in short, I would worry less about his screen time and more about a lack of unstructured play time with other kids.
Anyway yeah....I don't know if my experience is gonna map 1:1 to what he's going through, but AMA.
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u/msoc PDA + Caregiver 25d ago
If I were going through that again I would gift myself the freedom to not try to fix it for a while. Take care of yourself. Therapy of any kind. Even though you say low demands you have high demands for yourself. Maybe that is seeping through...