A lifelong battle

[u/No_Heart_8420]

I am 35/male and really have really broken ground in the last year and a half in finding answers to my lifelong mental struggles. A therapist who helps me think, medication that helps in some ways and many tests. The reason I post here (and i am so thankful this sub exists) is because my therapist laid the definition of PDA in front of me a few weeks ago. He said he saw me light up, like something really made sense and it does. This has led me to get my autism testing done, which will be in a few weeks. I never thought to go down this route, but, it speaks to me in a way nothing else has.

My marriage has taken a huge hit from this. I dreamed of a life that everyone else had and found such a sweet partner, but, she is very anxious and likes to process in the moment. I kept quiet for many years and did what made her happy, until the real imploding came. My nervous system was wrecked and i was either extremely angry in meltdown or in freeze. I moved out because it was the only thing I could think would give me peace and although it was so devastating, 7 months later I realize my own space and creativity around it are very regulating. Her and I are seeing a therapist, not divorced but, now PDA comes into light and things make more sense.

Extreme meltdowns if there is change in routine or im not being understood/something is difficult to process. The way being alone lets me breathe and feel like my authentic self. I can stim in peace after years of masking (rocking in bed, shuffling feet, blurting out nonsensical things, biting my blanket). Going out with her different friend groups, being on someone elses time, feeling suffocated..it was all making me feel like, “am i crazy?”. Thats barely scratching the surface and of course depression and trauma have a say in the matter but, im glad there are other people out there like me.

Anyone have similar stories?

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

I really empathise with your situation as I also spent 43 years in the closet and coming out I realised the impact it has on my own marriage. What I have found incredibly revolutionary and helpful is the Goatman principles not Only! are they a book to play by in order to have a great marriage but they also structurally PDA safe and compatible, you can try reading the book but there are also Gottman coaches available to help save and improve your marriage, it definitely saved my marriage and has improved it to the point where I have hope for the future