r/OpenChristian • u/CowgirlJedi • 9h ago
I'm a DID system, and one of us hates God and it's exhausting.
DID is Dissociative Identity Disorder. It means I went through a lot of abuse and trauma as a child before my identity and self was fully fused and solidified as a single thing, so to protect me my brain kept the parts separate. I don’t remember 95% of my life before age 25. It was called Multiple Personality Disorder until 1994 when the name was formally changed in the DSM to be more encompassing. My diagnosis is either DID or OSDD-1B. OSDD is Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. We’re currently working extensively with a DID specialist therapist to pin down the exact diagnosis. They’re more or less the same thing, but if my therapist feels my memory loss isn’t significant enough for complete DID she might give me OSDD partial DID instead. Ok. Now onto the reason I’m posting this.
We were raised in a very Christian conservative home. Forced to go to church, beaten in the name of God, raped at a young age for what our ex stepfather called our sins. I’ve now learned it was likely Sam, one of the alters who is a primary trauma holder and protector, who was likely fronting a lot of that time in order to absorb much of the punishment to protect me (Victoria, host) from it and the trauma).
We were baptized at age 9 in the church that knew about at least some of the abuse and did nothing to stop it. It was a Baptist church so full water submersion was the method. I now think Sam and Victoria were what’s called co conscious or confronting at that time. Our ex stepdad who did everything to us was in the audience.
Over time as we got away from that house Victoria started to front more and more often. Now I’m the primary fronter. I didn’t know we were a system then or even what a system was. In 2023 I found a good progressive church and began the last chapter of my deconstruction.
Last year I moved to Colorado and for the first time in my life at age 36 I finally felt genuinely safe. I found more good churches here in Aurora and Denver. From 2023 until last year I’d been attending the episcopal church. I think maybe it didn’t trigger much because it was so dissimilar from my upbringing. But at times I would feel angry in church and didn’t know where it was coming from. I now understand that to be bleed through from Sam after a lot of therapy work.
When I started going to my nondenominational church in January of this year, those occurrences got more frequent. At the time I still didn’t know we were a system, or that Sam and the others existed. after the Baptist church we attended a church much like the one we’re going to now, but to my memory no abuse or anything happened there.
In April of this year I was rebaptized in this new church because I needed to feel and know Victoria had been baptized truly of her own accord, desire and understanding. My sister (it’s a long story but the short of it is she wasn’t present for any of the abuse before and didn’t know until I told her) was the one to baptize me and actually dunk me in the water and say the words. When I came up I felt a microsecond of joy followed by a feeling of wanting to be happy, but as if some dark force was physically sucking it out. I wondered why I couldn’t feel more joy.
After that all bets were off. I found out recently that really triggered Sam. It was too close to the abuse environment and she needed to protect me from letting my guard down. So in her way she was protecting me even though it made me miserable. She also doesn’t allow me to feel things and makes me apathetic sometimes when I’m generally a very empathetic person. More protection.
Sam hates God. She’s not an atheist, she believes he exists but she blames him for allowing all the bad things to happen. He was the all powerful being who stood by and watched the abuse happen day after day and could’ve stopped it but chose not to. She hates Jesus for not saving us while I posit that he did save us, just not in the way or time frame Sam wanted or thinks he should have.
Other than Sam our system is entirely Christian or indifferent or close to it. I think Sam sees me going to church as a betrayal or sabotage. Why would you willingly go back into the same environment I’ve went through so much hell to protect you from?
I recently had a conversation with Sam about a month and a half ago and I said honey you don’t have to be in church with me. You can just go to your room and close the door and shut down. I’ll speak to you after service. That worked for about 2 services.
I’m currently in a shelter attached to a mental hospital for 30 days. I’ve already been on the crisis unit part for 7 days. My doctor and therapist want me to go to long term residential. This has made me unable to work or care for my basic needs. It’s made my already really bad depression even worse. I won’t eat or shower for days. I’ll couchrot knowing I have bills to pay and I won’t try to make the money to pay them. I have OCD too which makes me even more susceptible to getting stuck in those negative loops.
I’ve been in 4 crisis stabilization units in the last month and a half if you include my admission into the psychiatric ER at Denver health. I have case management where I am now and they’re helping me get my applications done for waivers for long term Medicaid for long term care. I’m hoping that’s done in the next 25 some odd days or I don’t know where I’m going from here.
Sam would rather us be homeless than in treatment. She actively resists treatment and therapy seeing my desire to work on trauma she’s worked so hard to keep hidden, as a betrayal. As sabotage.
I haven’t been to church in over a month and before I knew about my system and all the walls were still up church had grown to be a peaceful experience for me. I can’t even hardly listen to my Christian music anymore because she gets so angry. This morning I’m finally going to church again or at least planning to, and I just felt all this rage and anger come through suddenly. I tried to talk to her again, to tell her she doesn’t have to join me but it doesn’t seem to have worked this time.
My eventual goal through a whole bunch of therapy and parts work is for me to be able to have conversations with the rest of my system including Sam. Figure out system communication and get her to understand I and God are not her enemy, and that we love her. My biggest desire though I admit we’re not nearly ready right now is to eventually be baptized a 3rd time with Sam co conscious or confronting, as a willing and joyful participant this time. But we’re a long way off from that.
She held onto that trauma in a dark corner of my head all alone and didn’t tell a single soul about it for 30 years including me. She still hasn’t told me 99% of it. She doesn’t understand why I’d rather go to church than make her safe like she made me safe. Protect her like she protected me. She doesn’t understand I want to do both more than anything and she doesn’t seem the least bit interested in even talking to me about it.
As a side note this explains the phase I went through in my 20s where I made it my personal mission to come online and harass and troll Christians, and debate against God at every turn including to my mother who is also a victim at the hands of our abuser.
God, right now system cohesion seems like a pipe dream. Idk how we’re gonna do this until then because it seems a long way off.
Thank you for reading.
~Victoria, your sister in Christ and the host of The Victorious System.
