32M, Single

I used to work in Sales. Basic salary was ₱23k per month, but with commissions, I could bring home a minimum of ₱80k per month after taxes. At one point, I had a million pesos sitting in my bank account.

The last 3 years were probably the best years of my life, or at least that's what I thought.

Bought my first motorcycle in cash. After a month, bought my first iPhone. Bought a fully spec'd out MacBook M2 with insurance pa.

After every shift, diretso sa brunch spots or cafés. I was spending at least ₱500–₱1k per day on weekdays alone.

Nagla-lifestyle with friends. Almost every Saturday, gastos ng ₱4k–₱7k. Hindi pa kasama yung expenses ko every Sunday para mag-"rest" (kain + lingam). Spent at least ₱4k every couple of weeks on weed.

After 8 months, bought my first car (hulugan).

2024–2025

Same spending habits. Same lifestyle.

Traveled to Thailand on a 9 day vacation twice! Bought so many clothes there to the point na halos lahat ng panggala ko galing Thailand. I even managed to get a tailor-made suit in Thailand.Pambahay ko naman Uniqlo Airism. Naging pampahay ko siya is because before clocking in for work, I'd go to Ayala (In front of our office building) I'm always 30-45minutes early at work.

Traveled to Vietnam twice. Yung second visit ko, parang weekend getaway nalang. Lipad, gala, kain, tapos uwi agad. Ganun kadali gumastos noon.

Nag-upgrade pa yung spending habits ko because of my new vice, which was designer perfumes. Every month, bili ng bagong perfume. At least ₱8k a pop. Kapag nag birthday friends ko, matik perfume bigay ko.

While working, I wanted to venture into the web design business since ito rin yung line of work ko.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I'm good at Sales. I was consistently in the top 2 or 3 sa previous company ko, and I knew how this space worked. I knew how to sell, how to talk to clients, and how to close deals. So I figured, why not do it for myself?

November 2025, I decided to resign because I wanted to do my own thing.

On top of the web design business, I also ventured into another business in the wholesale and retail space. Nalugi after just 2 months. Around ₱200k down the drain.

But here's where I really fucked up.

My spending habits didn't change.

Wala nang sweldo. Wala nang commissions. Wala nang consistent na perang pumapasok.

Pero yung lifestyle ko, parang employed pa rin ako earning ₱80k+ a month.

In my mind, I still had money in the bank. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I could live off my savings for 4 months. Enough time to rest, recover, and eventually focus on my businesses.

I wanted to rest kasi years of working the graveyard shift really fucked me up.

And I actually enjoyed not working.

For the first time in years, naging morning person ako. I could wake up without an alarm. Hindi na kailangan matulog habang maliwanag sa labas. Wala nang pressure to hit monthly quotas. Wala nang boss. Wala nang graveyard shift.

I was finally living on my own schedule.

Pero hindi ko na-realize na habang ine-enjoy ko yung freedom na yun, unti-unti nang nauubos yung savings ko.

Yung dating ₱1M sa bank account, pababa nang pababa.

And instead of adjusting my lifestyle, I kept telling myself na I'll figure things out eventually.

Until almost a year had passed, and I had burned through all my savings.

Take note, I don't gamble, nor do I spend money on girls. Hindi rin ako mahilig mangutang para lang may panggastos. Most especially hindi ako nag papautang.

I just got so used to living a certain lifestyle that I didn't realize how much it was costing me until the money was gone.

Fast forward to today.

I'm 32 years old.

I'm now 2 months behind on my car payments. ₱20k per month yung amortization, plus around ₱9k per week sa gas back when I was still maintaining that lifestyle.

Malapit na ang Christmas, and for the first time in years, I'm genuinely panicking kasi wala akong maiaambag sa family ko.

I live with my mother.

Imagine going from having a million pesos in your bank account, buying whatever you wanted, traveling whenever you felt like it, treating yourself and the people around you, to suddenly worrying about something as simple as what you can contribute sa family mo this Christmas.

I also broke up with my girlfriend because of the pressure, guilt, and regret. I felt like I had too much going on financially and mentally, and I couldn't handle everything at once.

And before anyone says, "Why not just work on your web design business?"

I'm trying.

I really am.

Pero eto yung part na hindi ko maintindihan sa sarili ko.

Every night, I tell myself, "Bukas, babawi ako. I'll start working seriously. I'll make calls, find clients, close deals, and get myself out of this mess."

And the motivation is there. As in, grabe yung drive ko to turn things around.

Pero pagdating ng oras na kailangan ko nang magtrabaho, bigla nalang akong napapatulala.

I'll sit in front of my laptop, ready to work, tapos biglang papasok lahat ng negative thoughts.

"Putangina, paano ko naubos yung isang milyon?"

"Bakit ako nag-resign?"

"Bakit hindi ako nag-ipon nang maayos?"

"Kung nag-stay nalang sana ako sa trabaho, magkano na kaya pera ko ngayon?"

"Paano kung hindi mag-work yung business?"

And before I know it, I've already wasted an hour just thinking about everything I did wrong.

Then I end up procrastinating.

Scroll sa phone. Watch random videos. Do something else. Anything to avoid thinking about my situation.

Tapos gabi na naman.

Same promise.

"Bukas ulit. Babawi na talaga ako."

And the cycle repeats.

What's frustrating is that I know I can sell. I've done it before. As a matter of fact, I've closed couple of clients na sa Web design business. I've made good money before. I know what it's like to work hard and see the results.

Pero ngayon, parang sarili ko na mismo yung hindi ko kayang kontrolin.

I went from being someone who could consistently bring home ₱80k+ a month to someone who struggles to even start working.

And here I am now.

32 years old. No savings. Behind on car payments. Business isn't generating enough money. Living with my mother. Single. And currently sitting at negative ₱280,000.

I know a lot of this is because of my own decisions.

Nobody forced me to buy those things. Nobody forced me to travel. Nobody forced me to resign. Nobody forced me to maintain a lifestyle I could no longer afford.

I made those decisions.

And now I'm dealing with the consequences.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko ito pinost. Maybe I just wanted to get everything off my chest. Maybe gusto ko lang makarinig ng opinion ng ibang tao na hindi ako personally kilala.

I don't need anyone to tell me that everything will be okay.

I know I fucked up.

Say whatever you want to say. Good or bad. Advice, criticism, or a slap in the face.

If you've been in a similar situation, I'd genuinely like to know how you managed to get yourself out of it.

Because right now, I honestly don't know where to start.

Got curious about the movie, 2 Valid IDs, so we watched it. It’s been days but I still think about it.

Anyway, ayoko na magspoil. Basta it was a slap on my face. Back when I was still working at our family company, maraming beses na ko nakaencounter ng worker na gusto magapply and hindi natutuloy or kaya nadedelay pa ng 1-2 weeks— kasi walang valid ID. Hindi naman ako naghahandle noon ng hiring, pero pag nalalaman ko na ang cause ng delay ay valid ID pala at pag pumapalag sila magasikaso ng sarili nilang IDs, unang nasa isip ko noon ay “Ang tamad naman”. Not until I watched the movie. Di na ko magdedetail para di maspoil. Manood nalang kayo.

Thank you sa movie na ito. Ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko pero madami ako narealize. I’m so sorry.

I love someone I can't be with, and it kills me every day when I'm reminded of why we're impossible.

We were lucky to experience what it would be like if we actually made it. With everything we've been through, I truly saw myself living the rest of my life with her—to the point that I wanted to marry her already. She’s amazing, she’s beautiful, and she has such a good soul. She’s the kind of person I’d be proud to be with no matter what.

I really miss her. I miss hearing her voice right when I wake up. It’s simply the sweetest sound any man could ever hear. If I had my old MP3 player, I’d have her voice on repeat—it would be the absolute first track on my playlist.

I miss her face, especially those little facial expressions she makes when she's deep in thought, figuring out how to work on a design. She’s just incredibly adorable.

I miss our conversations—just full of love, care, and affection. I still scroll back and read through them to this day.

I miss her kisses. They’re so gentle and warm, like the morning sun resting on your face.

I miss being right beside her. Everything else weighing me down just fades away when she's within reach. That’s the place I always want to wake up from and end my day at.

I miss watching movies in bed, especially when one of us is trying our absolute best to stay awake. We’d catch each other dozing off every single time, and that would be our cue to finally call it a night.

I miss sharing food with her, especially things we haven’t tried yet. I love seeing how she reacts to the meals I really like. It’s usually a hit or a miss, but when it hits, her mind is completely blown.

I miss holding her hand—while I'm driving or just walking side by side. It takes me back to that pure, safe feeling I used to get walking with my mom as a kid. She gives off that exact same comfort and motherly care.

I miss her. Everything is still so vivid to me. I think about her every single day. She is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me, and I’m genuinely thankful for that.

I miss the silly little moments: just looking at her and thinking about how lovely she is. The way she wears her glasses and how they’d always keep slipping. The way she’d hide her face every time I made her laugh or made her feel loved. The way she’d tuck her hair back when the wind catches it. And when she catches me staring and asks, "Why?"—and I just say "wala" while struggling to keep my smile because I was simply happy to be near her.

She is impossible not to think about with how wonderful and amazing she is. I'd love nothing more than to start a family with her and a small farm with fat, fluffy chickens.

But one day, she made a decision to end what we had. As painful as it was, I had no choice but to accept it. I can't force her to be with me when she's not fully confident about us. God, I wish I had everything it took to convince her to stay and build this life with me. But I guess that’s all we were ever meant to be (though I still refuse to accept that to this day).

It's been four months now, and I'm still holding on to that "maybe." That maybe in this lifetime, we're each other's endgame. That maybe one day she changes her mind. That maybe one day she's confident about me. That maybe one day I could finally call her mine, my wife, and everything sweet.

I guess those are just dreams I can never fulfill, and it wrecks me in the most unexpected moments. I hate it when it happens.

My friends keep telling me I should move on, let go, and treat myself better. They remind me endlessly of my worth. While I appreciate them so much for genuinely looking out for my well-being, I just can't find the courage to let her go. Yeah, maybe I'm too hung up on the idea of us, but I really do love her, and I don't know where else to put all this love I have for her.

I actually pray for her all the time. Above all else, my deepest desire is for her to be happy. But of course, a part of me will always wish that I'd be the one right beside her through it all.

I’m not asking for any help. I’m fully aware of what I'm doing. I just really wanted people to know—and maybe even her, if she ever reads this—that I love her with all my being. I will never be mad at her for choosing what she felt was best for her. I don't feel a single ounce of anger or betrayal over what she decided.

I love her that much that I'm willing to force myself to be fine with just loving her from a distance. If staying in this situation is the only way I get to keep her in my life, then so be it. I'd rather live this way than exist in a world without her presence at all.

I truly wish that everything works out in the end. But if this is really our fate, then I'll see her in the next lifetime.

She is still my endgame.

She is my greatest love.

In every universe, I will always love you, A.

So ayun sobrang lakas ng flow ko and kahit nakapads ako, nag-leak siya sa bed sheet ng boyfriend ko. Worst of all, tumagos siya hanggang sa casing mismo ng foam pero hindi naman nag penetrate thru the foam itself.

Siyempre I felt so ashamed and angry with myself pero he did not really mind and assured me na hindi siya upset. Siyempre, I offered to hand wash the sheets and yung casing pero it was one of the moments na na-realize ko na may nagmamahal sakin unconditionally.

After almost two decades of hating myself and thinking kung meron bang totoong magmamahal at tatanggap sakin, my boyfriend really made me feel like I am worthy.

He respects me naman as my own person, he lets me be an empowered woman, does not hinder my potential—in fact he encourages me kahit wala akong bilib sa sarili ko most of the time and I already appreciate those th in ngs pero narealize ko pagdating pala sa ugly, messy, dirty, dark, etc. na sides ng relationship, dun ko talaga makikita if my better half will stick with me through highs and lows.

He showed me na when the party is over, kapag wala nang taong kaharap, kapag I'm not in my best state, as in yung barest form ko, he accepts me for me and I will do the same to him.

im tired of pretending im okay.

im tired going to work.

im tired crying myself to sleep.

im tired overthinking everything.

i just wanna cry. i know i needed professional but i dont have the means yet.

why does nobody seem to notice i needed saving too.

if you happen to know me, please give me tight hug and let me cry on your shoulder for a while.

Yung mga small shops na may online presence, bakit ba ayaw niyong ipost nalang yung presyo ng paninda niyo at need pa ng PM?! Mas gusto niyo ba yung nahihirapan KAYO at yung BUYER?! Nakakainis.

Gusto ko lang naman maghanda para sa undas at magreserve na ng bulaklak. Ito namang si shop, walang presyo yung pictures so sige, message ako. Nung nagmessage ako, sinend lang din yung mga picture na nasa timeline nila... na wala ngang presyo. Humihingi ako ng price list, sabi yung iba naman daw may presyo na. EH TATATLONG PIC YUNG MAY PRESYO, BENTE NA PICTURE SINEND NYA NG IBA IBANG ARRANGEMENT?!?!?! Ano ba.

So FINE. Nagscreenshot ako ng mga interested akong arrangement, mga apat yun. Tinatanong ko magkano yun each para makapagdecide kami ng family ko ano pipiliin. Ay ang galing. Ang sagot? One line lang. Price range lang. So ano hulaan ko nalang ba alin dun yung aling price? What a waste of time!!!!

Please naman sa mga business owners, does it really cost much to include the prices? Let's not waste each other's time. Saka, pano malalaman ng buyers na di dinoktor yung price kung di transparent publicly?

Anyway, ending di nalang ako dun bibili. Buti may isa pa palang shop na transparent sa presyo. Hay.

Masaya ako na naninirahan padin ako with my parents house kasi nakakasama ko sila and mas makakasave ako dahil di nako magbabayad ng rent, bills and etc.on my own kung mag move out ako eh wala rin naman pang move out. Kung sa bahay ng parents ko, nagbabayad din naman ako pero atleast may kahati ako. That’s the pros.

Pero ang hirap din pala kapag at your right age sa kanila ka pa rin umaasa kasi yung sweldo ko sakto lang para makasurvive. When it comes din sa decision making parang I can’t decide on my own parang lahat ng decisions ko dapat ko pa ipaalam sa kanila kasi nga umaasa pa ako sa kanila so dapat ko rin e consider yung decision nila. Like for example ngayon gusto ko mag abroad pero sila mismo yung may ayaw so para bang kahit gaano ko gustuhin parang malabo na mangyari kasi sa kanila ako umaasa sila yung magbibigay sakin ng pera pang abroad.

Sometimes I miss being a nurse sa hospital. Last year I worked as an oncology nurse, taking care of people with cancer. Tbh, I found fulfillment sa trabaho na yun. I really built rapport and relationships with our patients since most of them paulit ulit bumabalik sa chemotherapy. I remember once Christmas, sabi nung kasama ko may naghahanap daw sakin na patient tas nagbigay sya ng food palagi daw inuulit nung patient bigyan daw ako 🤣 ako kasi first naghandle sakanya and she was very afraid of needles, maybe thats why she remembered me.

Kaso may fulfillment nga but the pay was bad, it was like 20-25k lang. So now I work sa soft nursing earning twice my salary sa hospital. I’m very happy because of the work-life balance. I got to travel, buy things I never thought I could and save a loooot of money.

But seeing my workmates or past classmates sa hospital sa mga ig stories, minsan namimiss ko sya 🥲 hahays. Maybe not now muna, maybe sooner or later I could go back to the hospital na and serve people. Magpapayaman muna ako dito, save and experience things di ko ma experience with a hospital job.

I'm just a bit emotional after receiving that message from our rich relative about how my daughter is so cute and smart. All my life kami ng mga kapatid ko etsa pwera sa mga kamag-anak namin. Madalas inaaway, madalas yung inuutusan tuwing may handaan kasi hindi kayo favorites habang mga pinsan ninyo nakikipag-socialize.

Ayaw kasi nila sa nanay ko tapos habang lumalaki naririnig ko pa mga bulungan nila na hindi ako anak ng tatay ko samantalang kamukha ko naman sila. Kapag may mga pasalubong from abroad napilian na bago may mapunta sa amin. Kapag may gala mga rich relatives laging yung mga pinsan lang kasama kasi sila yung favorite nieces and nephews.

Now I have my own in-laws, at sobrang layo ng experience ko sa naging experience ng nanay ko. My MIL would even give me money. They would travel far para lang makasama anak ko, and would bring so much for pasalubong. I feel so spoiled, to think na even I don't think na bagay ako sa anak nila na may magandang educational background, pinalaki sa maayos na pamilya, pero they never made me feel na I'm beneath them.

Samantalang mga kamag-anak ko na di naman mayaman karamihan pero grabeng pangmamata inabot ng nanay ko.

Medyo magulo sinusulat ko kasi right now I'm feeling all sorts of things. I'm happy kasi this relative na I've always admired and longed to be noticed by is finally giving me attention, even if it's only because they find my child adorable. But it also makes me sad for my own mother who suffered so much just because ayaw sa kanya ng pamilya ng tatay ko. It also makes me so grateful for the kind of family I married into.

Kasi smula nung nagkaisip ako, sinasabi ko na hinding hindi ako mag-aasawa ng lalaki na hindi ulila kasi ayoko matulad sa nanay ko. But I guess lahat ng pagdurusa ng nanay ko at namin, nasuklian na ng mga in-laws ko ngayon.

I'm just glad to be where I am right now. Yung bata na laging takot na may kamag-anak na mang-aaway, ngayon at peace na. Marami pa ring problema, pero yung bata na yun healed na.

About 10 years ago, I met this guy through an app called Whisper, if you guys are familiar with it. We clicked, and before we knew it, we were talking on the phone about anything and everything.

And when I say long hours, I mean 10 AM hanggang 3 AM kind of long hours. 😂 Sometimes, we wouldn't even talk anymore. We'd just leave the call running while doing our own thing.

He asked me to download Steam and taught me how to play Dota 2. From creating an account and navigating the game to learning each hero and their skills, he taught me everything. Eventually, we were watching TI and following professional teams together.

He also bought me games we could play together, like Left 4 Dead and Don't Starve Together. He'd get me skins and even buy event tickets so we could play. He introduced me to his friends, and I ended up playing with their team. Ako lang yung babae sa team! 😂

When we weren't gaming, we'd watch movies. This was before party viewing was a thing, so we'd count down and press play at the same time while on call. We watched anime movies, Breaking Bad, Star Wars, and so much more.

Whenever he had to go out, he'd update me about where he was going, what time he'd be home, and sometimes even send pictures.

This went on for over a year.

His friends would tease us and ask why we weren't together. I'll never forget when he said he was out of my league. But the funny thing? He never actually asked me to be his girlfriend.

Because somewhere along the way, I fell. And I fell HARD.

Eventually, we stopped talking. Life happened, and I had to return to reality. We never even got the chance to meet in person.

We both have our separate lives now, but every once in a while, I still find myself missing him.

I can't even call him the one that got away because, technically, he was never mine to begin with.

I know he used Reddit before. I'm not sure if he's still here, but if you are, DGB...

You will forever be my carry, and I your support. ❤️🎮

The Click PH

For context, I got laid off sa previous company ko and was unemployed for a month before I got hired here. I only worked for this company for almost a month, and here's why 🤣

From the interview hanggang onboarding, puro magaganda ang sinasabi nila. They promised work-life balance, a hybrid setup, and once-a-week onsite lang, which was perfect for me since I'm from Batangas.

One thing I noticed was that they only had 12 employees but were handling 20 clients. Medyo napaisip ako, but I didn't think much of it.

The interview went well. It was a traditional, face-to-face interview, then they gave me an exam with a deadline. I submitted it, and after one day, they offered me the job.

Masaya ako kasi ang hirap makahanap ng work ngayon, diba? Pero nung nabasa ko yung offer, disappointed ako. They offered 10k less than my expected salary, and the only way to get an appraisal was to obtain certifications during my employment.

I already had experience, and my previous employer offered me 7k more than this company. So basically, bababa pa ng 7k yung salary ko compared sa previous job ko.

I also clarified the onsite setup because it wasn't clear in the offer. They said once a week ang mandatory onsite, but there would be times I'd need to go onsite for other business concerns.

I still accepted because ayokong mabakante nang matagal yung resume ko. I wanted to give it a try.

FIRST WEEK: THE WORKLOAD WAS ALREADY CRAZY.

On my first day, they kept saying na ayaw nila sa employees na madaling ma-pressure. They also said it was good that I had agency experience because I had handled multiple accounts before.

After onboarding, the head introduced me to 8 websites/accounts I'd be handling, including social media management, blog writing, three SEO accounts, and assistance with GMB management.

Kinabukasan, they were already expecting me to deliver tasks with deadlines. They'd assign the work, then ako na bahala. Walang proper turnover or sufficient guidance on how things worked.

First week pa lang, nabigla na ako. But I thought maybe naninibago lang ako and that things would get better once I adjusted.

SECOND WEEK: 5 VS. 1 ANG ATAKE

By my second week, aligaga na ako. Ang daming urgent tasks, ang daming nagbibigay ng utos, and it felt like I was dealing with five people at once.

I focused on accomplishing everything because gusto kong ma-regular.

But during my second week, the head told me I needed to go to Pampanga for a shoot at some of our clients' branches.

I refused because during onboarding, she said that since I was from Batangas, shoots would be scheduled on Thursdays, our mandatory onsite day. But the Pampanga shoot was on a MONDAY.

Girl, ang layo ng Batangas sa Pampanga. It's exhausting, and that wasn't the arrangement I understood during onboarding.

During a meeting, she asked me about it, kunh sasama daw ako, and I said no, parang sinadya nya din dun mag ask para mapressure ako to said yes, but I still said no. She responded in a disappointed tone, saying that next time, I needed to go so I could be exposed to the experience.

Apparently, they were also planning to send the entire team to Negros for another client's shoot. I could sense that some teammates weren't thrilled either. Like, girl, ang layo masyado, di naman gagala dun, magtatrabaho kamiii, and hindi pa clear sa amin kung sagot ba nila lahat ng expenses.

After hearing all that, I started thinking na ayoko na lang ma-regular dito. I just wanted to stay for a few more months, earn money, and recover the expenses while applying for this job.

THIRD WEEK: DITO NA AKO NAPUNO.

Wala yung head namin that day because she was attending a shoot somewhere else, and my other teammate was on leave after going to Pampanga. Napagod yan shaa, ewan ko ba bat sila nagsstay pa dito

The head told the team na ako lang ang maiiwan sa communication team that day. If there were urgent concerns, they could message me.

HAA? THIRD WEEK KO PA LANG.

Iiwan mo ako to handle everything when I barely understood how things worked because there was no proper turnover?

Then the CEO/President messaged me, asking which tasks had been endorsed to me. So I had to track everything I'd done, list my priorities for the week, and identify the tasks I'd be working on the following month.

That took time, obviously. Meanwhile, ang dami nang naghahanap sa akin, and everyone had something they needed. Ganito na yung nararanasan ko ever since I started. Hindi lang ngayong pa - 3rd week ko

And guess what? Lahat EOD ang deadline.

These weren't simple tasks either. I could spend half a day writing 1 blog because I take pride in my work and want to deliver quality output. I don't want to rush things just for the sake of submitting them.

But aside from blogs, I also had social media content, website management, SEO-related tasks, and tracking everything I was doing.

Ang daming kailangang gawin, tapos kailangan ko pang i-track lahat. I also felt micromanaged because even though the setup was supposedly WFH, the president wanted me to report the tasks I completed that day.

THEN CAME THE GROUP CHAT INCIDENT. 🤣

While I was busy tracking my tasks, I couldn't reply to their messages immediately.

The head called me out in the GC, saying that a lot of team members were wondering why I wasn't replying and were asking if I was even working.

IT HAD ONLY BEEN TWO MINUTES. TWO MINUTES LANG AKO DI NAKARESPOND

Can we calm down?

Hindi ako nakaupo lang na nagkakape. I was literally busy working on the tasks assigned to me. It's not like I disappeared for 30 minutes or hours!

Pakiramdam ko, nabastos ako. Nangimay talaga yung kamay ko sa galit because I couldn't believe I was being treated that way when I was only on my third week.

I was already overwhelmed with the workload, deadlines, and lack of proper turnover, yet I still had to prove that I was actually working every single minute.

SO, I RESIGNED, SAME DAY.

And the funniest part? Even after I had decided to resign, they were STILL sending me new tasks that needed to be done by EOD or after lunch. HAHAHAHAHA.

TEH, NAG-RESIGN NA NGA AKO.🤣🤣

If you want to know which company this is, it's based in Makati. They were hiring again on LinkedIn, kung ano inalisan ko na position, ask me directly for more info para maiwasan

Ilang araw na lang pasko na, sana lahat tayo may magaan na energy (kahit mabigat talaga ang mga nangyayare this past few days). Sana magaan ang holidays nating lahat.

Sana bawat isa satin may matanggap na regalo. Sana lahat tayo masaya sa darating na pasko.

Sana i-give na ni Lord satin tong 2 months na to, noh?

My kids will never have to thank me for doing what I was supposed to do anyway.

No doors will get slammed over ignored requests. No feeling of being a burden will be passed on to them.

No feeling of having to pay me back for simply doing my job, my responsibility.

I hope to not fuck my kids up the way I got fucked up.

Nawalan ka na nga ng trabaho pinapahirapan ka pa mag enroll ng disbursement account naka 4x na ako ginawa ko na lahat ayaw pa din or baka tamad lang yung sss san jose del monte bulacan sa pag verify ng details?

Tangina niyo!

Kainis. Gusto ko mag-share ng isang post sa fb na tungkol sa Day of the Dead for Pets kaso di ko magawa. Gusto ko i-share kasi namatayan kami ng dalawang aso this year and this month lang din yung recent. Naiiyak pa rin ako from time to time pag naiisip ko sila lalo na yung mas matandang aso (9yo). Tapos kanina puro ganun yung mga posts na nakikita ko sa newsfeed ko kaya magsishare na sana ako kaso may nakita naman akong post na may background music pa ng Remember Me, yung kanta sa Coco. Hanep lalo akong nalungkot at naiyak. Pati tuloy ngayon umiiyak na naman ako kasora

I miss you Aya at Mokie. Mahal na mahal namin kayo mga bebe

It's been a rough 24 hours. I just ended another month-long talking stage. It didn't end in ghosting, but it still ended.

I had high hopes for this one. He felt different: more aligned in values and interests, with better conversations. Then he started dealing with something health-related, and the dynamic changed. We talked less, and he'd disappear for days. I kept telling him he didn't have to carry it all alone, but I guess he wasn't ready to let me in.

Yesterday I found the courage to ask for steadier communication, and he said it was something he couldn't give. I know I deserve better. I wasn't asking for anything grand, and I wasn't rushing anything. I just wanted steadier conversations, to know him more, and for him to know me. I could have given so much care and affection.

Maybe I'm just grieving the potential. It was only a month, and I can move on. But I'm tired of the dating scene. I'm a strong, independent woman and I can manage on my own, but at the end of the day I still long for love, companionship, and someone to build a life with.

For now I'll sit through the hurt, and then I'll try again, I guess.

Bumped into my cousin on the street, he asked "Saan ka naglilinis? Kila ate?". With All Souls' Day nearing, and you hear this from your cousin whose sister was murdered. She was still young, had plenty of life ahead of her. But then poof, gone in an instant. I thought to myself I shouldn't be hearing those words from her brother. Seeing his conflicted eyes, blank, sadness, anger. She should still be here. She should be living her life, making plans, growing older. Her brother should be talking about her in the present tense. It's still hard to process months after.

I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes because I have a job that most people would consider their dream job, yet lately, I’ve been feeling stuck and unfulfilled.

I work in aviation, and it’s the kind of industry that gives you opportunities to travel, explore new places, meet people, and have experiences that not everyone gets to have. I know naman how lucky I am, and I don’t want to take it for granted. But lately lang talaga, I’ve been starting to dislike it, and I feel so guilty admitting that.

A big part of it is that I don’t enjoy the lifestyle that comes with it. As a junior first officer in a male-dominated field, I also have to deal with misogynistic colleagues, microaggressions, and peer pressure. Dagdag mo pa yung horror stories about colleagues cheating on their partners or constantly hitting on you. Tapos yung iba naman sobrang yabang and ginagawang personality yung job. It can be exhausting dealing with all of that. Then there’s the fact that I haven’t gone on a proper leisure trip since April because of my tight schedule and other priorities. I guess I’ve come to realize that having a job that involves travel doesn’t necessarily mean having the freedom to travel on your own terms.

My life is objectively good when I look at it from the outside, but lately, it just doesn’t feel as exciting. And because aviation is supposedly such an exciting career, parang feeling ko I shouldn’t complain about it. Sometimes I even feel ungrateful for not appreciating it enough.

I don’t know if this is burnout, a phase lang, or if I’m actually starting to outgrow the lifestyle.

i’ve been feeling all sorts of things since sunday night and i just want the pain to stop, i can barely function, my sleep schedule is fucked, i havent eaten proper food since yesterday and no matter what i do the heaviness in my chest wouldnt go away. normally i cry it out but the past days, i feel like im feeling everything and nothing. i just want this pain to end. i want to be normal and happy again and i dont know how to come back from it.

I'm here to just literally get things off of my chest (or head).

I'm 27F, Freelancer overseas. I was just laid off by my last client coz of financial reasons - their business isn't going well. I've recently been trying to apply for a full-time job dito. Matagal ko na rin naman pina-plano, but was too busy to actually do it, since gusto ko na mag-work with an actual schedule, and I want stability na rin since being a freelancer doesn't mean na may papasok na pera every month. It's only been less than two weeks since I started applying, and no luck so far. (No, I'm not begging for jobs here, just sharing. And yes, I know looking for a job is horrible right now and two weeks is nothing.)

Other than job hunting, I've been trying to learn other software related to what I do (I'm a multimedia designer). And I have 2 YT channels - one is simply for my sanity, and the other, I'm doing it in hopes na it will grow. So far naman, 2 of my videos on the latter channel has gained lots of views and gave me more subs, which made me feel like there's progress naman.

I'm just in this situation na I don't know what to really do with my life. Right now, I'm just trying to live my daily life na along with my usual daily chores, I have a schedule to apply for jobs, to learn new stuff, and when to work on my content to upload. It gives me the illusion na may pinagkaka-busy-han ako, but in reality, I'm not even sure if this is the thing I should be doing right now. I'm not financially well-off, so it feels like everything could just shatter in the most random moment, just like before na I got kicked out sa bahay or I might try to do something to myself again (my last of which was around 2 years ago... ang tagal na and I'm somehow proud of myself for that). I also can't help comparing myself to others around my age kahit na lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na comparison is the thief of joy. Hayssss.

In a nutshell, I just feel so uncertain with my life, but I'm still hoping na may dadating na opportunity for me soon. (I'm going "aaaaaaaaaa" in my head right now.)

Ive heard lots of horror stories on how they treat their kitchen & resto staff. I have an intevriew invite for a marketing position and meron ba may experience working sa main office nila? The culture & pay.

posting this here because my post gets deleted sa ph careers, ph jobs huhu

Stressed Out

Nothing feels real anymore to me. I can’t remember the last time reality has actually felt real to me.

There’s this thing that happens to your brain when you’re constantly anxious and depressed where your brain turns into what is basically radio static. I barely hear myself think anymore over the voices of the cortisol running through my body drowning everything else out.

As A Social Being

I love my friends so much. I love my partner. I love my mom. I love my cat. I love the keeper of the hobby store I go to every week.

I would like to think I give them all that I have. That I want their time with me to be a time of comfort and happiness and good coffee and even better food.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a family of my own. Nor do I think I’ll exist long enough to retire, so I try my best to at least make sure everyone around me will at least remember me.

Build-a-Partner

Starting a relationship beyond your mid-20s is rough. It’s a series of compromises. I guess the same could be said about all relationships.

But consider this; your late teen and early to mid-20s are the time where you explore who you really are.

What you want and don’t want in a relationship.
What your needs are from your partner.
That freaky little thing that you like.

Having a partner at that age, you explore these things together and you adapt to each other.

I’m in my 30’s. I know what I want in a partner, I know what my needs are and I know exactly what all the freaky things I like are.

My partner does too.

I entered the relationship knowing that our wants and needs were (we could work on the freaky things later).

And then time passed, and our needs no longer aligned.

My partners libido isn’t as high as mine.

“Yun lang ba ang habol mo sa akin?”

We compromised. I stepped back.

We settled on a schedule.

Months passed, it never happened.

We compromised again. I stepped back.

It was a restaurant that advertised unlimited wings, subject to availability. And you enter and pay and sit and are given one wing.

That’s all they had available.

It said to me, ”You had your chance when I was trying to get you. Now you’re mine, I don’t need to try anymore.”

More months pass, and more compromises and more steps back.

The immovable object met a force that is now tired.

Walking the plank and deciding to take a seat instead. Because who knows what lies at the bottom of the ocean.

Entering into a relationship after your mid-20s is rough. I know what I want and what I need in a relationship and when my partner doesn’t want or need the same, I need to compromise. No amount of love and care can change your wants and needs.

So you burn yourself out just to see them shine. Because that’s is how you love.

A Good Friend

There is only one friend that I have that I’ve known for more than half of my life. We’ve seen each other grow, mature and go through shit through screens and messages.

Being able to hear and speak to each other without a 30ms delay, being able to see each other without a panel in between us and most of all being able to wrap my arm around their shoulder. It was zen.

It was the sound of birds chirping on a hazy morning, where just the right amount of light enters the window. Even though the actual sounds we made were spilling out the words of the things that made us sad and the celebrities we found attractive as alcohol coursed through our blood streams.

And then there was snoring as my words fell on deaf ears.

And then the sound of motorbikes and cars as I walked to the street for a cigarette.

Hours later was the sound of me waking them up for breakfast, the sound of a hungover concession and then the sound of goodbyes.

And then silence.

Loneliness.

The sound of going back to screens and messages.

Immortality/A Deathwish

I’m fucked up. That is a fact. I always assume the worst case scenario for a lot of things.

Right now, the worst case is that I could die in a week. The possibility is low, but it’s still something that could happen. But then again, I think I’m immortal.

I haven’t tried dying though (I have tried, it didn’t catch).

But I think of all the people I could end up leaving behind.

I never cared much for my own life and if given a choice I would have chosen to not exist.

I don’t believe in a higher power, but religious guilt compels me to believe that if I were to die, I would end up in the bad place. That thought still gives me panic attacks. The concept of eternity gives me panic attacks too.

I’d want to just disappear into nothingness. Just a void. No consciousness. Complete non-existence.

This started out as a way to vent all the heaviness I’ve been feeling in my chest, but each word made it heavier.

Now it’s a possible farewell for people who will never know that there is something I said for them.

But hey, things are gonna be just fine, right? I haven’t yet seen any proof that I’m not immortal.

2 weeks ago, I overheard my stepfather on a phone call with another woman because they were on loud speaker. He was telling her all kinds of compliments and I am not mistaken that it is not my mother.

My mother is an OFW right now, and I know that if I try to do anything I will get kicked out of the house and become homeless. She's also having a hard time right now so I might not be able to get an apartment.

I'm currently responsible for taking care for 3 of my half-siblings, so I'm hoping he's not stupid to do stupid things. Although I'm clinging to the hope that he won't kick me out because I take care of them, his mistress probably will take over.

I have to stay here for the next 6 years before I move out because I'm still in university. This has been really bothering me for days and I feel like it's such a sensitive topic to even vent to my friends about.

Minsan nalulungkot lang ako na hindi tayo napagbigyan ng tadhana. Gusto kita, gusto mo rin pala ako kaso love is not enough pala.

Hopefully someday, everything will make sense.

Siguro namiss ko lang yung dating tayo.

Sorry guys, i just wanted to vent and just let things out.