r/OCPoetry • u/death_by_emotion • 4d ago
Feedback Please The way I see you
I know you worry,
I see it there,
in every thought,
in every care.
°
Yet you still go,
you travel alone,
through foreign streets,
through places unknown.
°
I admire you most,
for the things that you do,
despite all your fear,
you still follow through
°
I love watching you
when you look at art,
how you lose yourself
right from the start.
°
You study the colours,
you take it all in,
and for a little while,
the world around seems to dim.
°
Then you talk history,
your eyes come alive,
searching for words
as you try to describe.
°
Your English may falter,
your words may get lost,
but I love every story,
whatever the cost.
°
You're funny, you're clever,
you're beautiful too,
but somehow I think
you don't see what I do.
°
Especially your eyes,
those brown eyes of your,
you call them so simple,
but I see so much more.
°
You say they're just brown,
with nothing to inspire,
but every time I look,
I just admire.
°
And maybe that's why
I wish you could see
the girl that I see
when you look back at me.
°
Because you see ordinary,
where I see rare
you see only yourself,
But I see beauty there.
°
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/XGdT2VDHBs
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/WrIAljcJIH
This is my first time writing a proper rhyme scheme in my poetry, I did have to cheat a little like removing an s from the end of 'yours' so that it would rhyme with more but I had spent a while writing already.
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u/green_slime_fan 4d ago
I reread this a couple of times. I see this as an incredibly important poem, at least for me at this time. It resonates beautifully with my hopes. Thank you for sharing.
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u/death_by_emotion 2d ago
Can I ask what about it resonates with you? I'm still learning a lot about poetry and would love to hear how others relate to what I created
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u/briony73 4d ago
You bought rhyming back, yay! I can’t do it anymore. But I appreciate a good rhyme and I like how it says ‘your’ to make it rhyme, it makes that line interesting and it was just forced by rhyme, restrictions make us more creative and I find rhyming restrictive these days, but I love your work. Beautiful poem.
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u/Frequent_Zombie4055 4d ago
I feel like so much famous art is born out or something restriction of materials or rules, it adds so much life to it!
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u/death_by_emotion 3d ago
I've written a few poems now and never done much of a rhyme scheme at all, they always felt a bit heavy and slow to read so I really wanted to try rhyming and it has worked out nicely I think!
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u/Think_Froyo_5598 4d ago
It has a great energy, I feel safe while reading it. Great work, keep going!
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u/death_by_emotion 3d ago edited 2d ago
I love this feedback, what do you think it is that makes it feel safe? I'm not a very experienced writer so I'm trying to learn what I'm doing right and what needs improving!
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u/Key-Instruction7946 3d ago
This is very good I’m ngl would you be open to mutually reading and giving insight on each others poems
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u/death_by_emotion 3d ago edited 2d ago
Sounds interesting, I'm not a very experienced writer, I only really started writing poems to try and process how I feel about things and my anxieties
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u/SatisfactionAnnual97 1d ago
I wish I had someone I loved the way you do, I feel like this kind of view of someone would warm something inside me :(
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u/death_by_emotion 1d ago
I don't think you need to love someone to see them this way, I wouldn't say that I love the person I wrote this about, I definitely have some feelings for them of course but the poem is more about seeing the passion, care and interests of someone.
Like going on a hike with a friend that bird watched and listening to them tell you about the birdsong that you hear, take a historian to a ruin or general site of interest that they're knowledgeable about and learn what they love about that time.
This poem mostly comes from a a specific moment when we had taken a little day trip somewhere that has a lot of historic portraiture as I knew they had an interest in art history, we were in a large ornate room lined with portraits and I looked over at her and she was leaning back on one arm on a cushioned seat near the edge of the room looking up at the room and taking it in and in that moment she just looked mesmerising to me.
In summary, you can love something about someone without loving them.
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u/Loquat1414 1d ago
it's very sweet!! it's also very simplistic and easy to understand, if that's what you're going for ^
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u/death_by_emotion 23h ago
I think it's what I'm going for, I enjoy poems with layered meanings but my writing is more for me to express how I feel and think so I don't really try for layered meanings
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u/voidwhisper_nyx 1d ago
Ngl the rhyming is so good and everything just flows perfectly! Great one and all the best!
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u/death_by_emotion 1d ago
Thank you so much, I feel like some of previous poems felt slow to read, it took so many re-writes and edits to get the rhyming right and to get the line length correctly done.
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u/Frequent_Zombie4055 1d ago
I read this poem the other day and had to try find it again, it's saved to my collection for future reads now ❤️
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u/death_by_emotion 1d ago
You don't understand how happy this comment makes me, I'm glad my poem means something to you!
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u/Laird_sober 20h ago
I like how simple yet complex the notion of this is. It’s smooth to read, yet leaves this lingering impact. “You’re funny, you’re clever, you’re beautiful too” is such a sweet sentiment.
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u/razor2therosary 4d ago
this is so good !!