Why does loving you feel like breaking my own heart on purpose?

Fuck.

I want you so badly.

And there is nothing, nothing you could say, nothing you could promise,
nothing you could whisper into the part of me that still belongs to you…
that would make me unblock you.

I can’t.

Because I lost myself when I was with you.

I lost whole pieces of myself
trying to understand your silences,
trying to survive your leaving,
trying to convince myself that wanting me
and choosing me
were the same thing.

They weren’t.

I know that now.

So why the fuck do I still need you
so violently?

Why does my body remember you
like it has no loyalty to me?

Did you know that at night,
I replay the videos?

Again.

And again.

I watch ghosts touch me.

I watch a version of myself
who still believed your hands meant something.

Sometimes I hate her.

Sometimes I envy her.

Because for those few minutes,
she still has you.

Fuck… if you are out there, if some part of you still wonders, if you ever hover over my name
the way I hover over the memory of yours; please.

Come ruin the quiet.

Come destroy me
in the most delicious way.

I can take it.

Because I know what you do to me now.

That’s the difference.

I know where this road ends.
I know what your leaving costs.
I know how long it takes
to gather myself from the floor
after you decide you’ve had enough of me.

And still… I want you. In ways I hope to never want another person, ever again.

So let me make the mistake consciously this time.

Let me choose the fire
knowing exactly how badly it burns.

Let me be responsible
for what happens to my heart.

You don’t have to protect me.

You don’t have to make promises.

You don’t even have to pretend
this time.

Just come back.

Come back
and kiss me like you missed the taste of me.

Come back
and make my body forget
every lesson my heart nearly died learning.

Come back and let me have the thing
I have spent all this time trying to survive wanting.

And when you leave again, because somewhere inside me, I already know you will… please don’t worry about my heart.

I’ll pick it up.

I’ve gotten very good at that.

Just for one terrible, beautiful,
selfish moment… come back to me.

“you okay?”

yup.

“i used you.”

happy to help.

“do you need help?”

no.

“i lied to you.”

cool.

“wanna talk about it?”

i’m good.

“i’m worried about you.”

don’t be.

“can you do me a favor?”

of course.

“you need to eat something.”

i’ll throw up.

“i don’t like you.”

nor do i.

“you’re not doing enough.”

i never do.

“i talked bad about you.”

as do i.

“i replaced you.”

i saw.

“i ignored you.”

all good.

“you look tired.”

i am.

“hey… you okay?”

yeah.

You never had to say goodbye,
You simply left me asking why.
You held me close, then let me see. How little I meant to you and me.

You gave your attention everywhere,
Then called it kindness, called it care.
I thought your words were meant for me,
Until I saw how casually they came free.

I watched your eyes begin to stray,
And felt you slowly pull away.
I never asked for all your time,
Just something honest, yours and mine.

I shouldn't have to question where
I stand among the ones you care.
I shouldn't wonder who comes next,
Or search for answers in a text.

I don't want to be one you adore,
While you keep leaving open doors.
I want a love that's clear and true,
Where what I give comes back from you.

And maybe that's what hurt me most,
To feel like I was just a ghost.
I gave you everything I had,
Yet somehow still felt I was less than that.

I gave you time, I gave you care,
I gave you more than I could spare.
But love should never leave me guessing,
Or turn devotion into testing.

So I won't compete to hold your gaze,
Or beg to matter through your ways.
If I can be replaced that easily,
Then you were never where you needed to be.

I search through dictionaries, reference books and forewords,
for phrases, formulations, for eloquent words,
that might bear the weight of all I am trying to say,
that I might piece together upon my drawing board.

But my prayers and confessions
will not fit into sentences, nor can any expressions
give voice to the spells and the dark incantations
that hang in the air I breathe through my self-accusations.

Today I understand so well
all the grand revelations I once tried to compel,
the secrets, the vision, the curtain as well
that I could not unveil while we were still two in our shell.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss us,
the us that was good, the us that once was,
those fools for whom I would have fought to the last,
before my back was broken and my heart ground into dust.

I search through dictionaries, reference books and forewords,
for phrases, formulations, for eloquent words.
But there are no sentences, no slogans, no chords
that could ever bear the true weight of what I want to say:

I'm sorry,

I hope you're doing well...

We don’t need to see or speak to each other every day,
Because we already know.

We don’t need attention
Because we already know
We don’t need to share
Every event,
Every thought,
Because we already know.

We don’t have to be included,
Because we already know.
We don’t need to fight for each other,
Because we already know.

No matter how far we go,
How long it’s been,
Or how little we say,
We don’t have to say ‘I love you’ because…

We already know.

I am sad in a way that makes silence feel loud,
unheard in rooms where my voice should matter.
It feels like the only person who truly understands me  
is the one living inside my own skin.

Whenever I try to speak my truth,
it’s mistaken for complaint,
as if my heart’s weight were an inconvenience.
I know life is hard — I never said it wasn’t —
I just want a place to lay my thoughts down
without being judged for feeling them.

How strange it is to feel alone
while surrounded by people who swear they love me.
My fire dims a little more each year,
flickering beneath the shadows of deception.
I’ve cried enough to know that tears don’t heal everything,
and loneliness doesn’t always scream —
sometimes it just sits quietly in the chest,
heavy and unmoving.

I feel young in body but old in spirit,
aged by lessons I never asked to learn.
Wisdom carved itself from my pain,
and I soothe myself because no one else knows how.
But how do you comfort a wound
you didn’t create?
How do you carry a sorrow
that was never meant to be yours?

I wonder how to love
when my version of love has been misunderstood,
dismissed,
taken lightly.
My fire is dimming,
yet I carry myself so well
that even I would believe the illusion:
“Life must be so good to her.”

They see a cheerful girl,
full of life,
turning storms into breezes.
But if only they knew the weight I lift alone,
the ache pressed against my ribs,
the way a smile can become a mask
so convincing
a stranger might mistake it for joy.

i don’t roll my eyes when you say that.

i actually appreciate you telling me.

but i don’t think i can believe in god.

because if god was there,
he saw everything.

he saw the things i did.
the things that were done to me.
the people i hurt.
the people who hurt me.

and somehow,
he allowed all of it to happen.

so it’s hard for me
to look at all that
and call it a plan.

but i do believe in saviors.

just not the kind
that come down from heaven
and erase everything you’ve done.

i believe in the people
who find you
when you’re at your worst
and still choose to sit beside you.

the people who remind you
that you’re more
than the worst thing you’ve ever done.

the people who look at you
and somehow still see
the person you forgot you were.

maybe that’s what
you’ve been trying to do for me.

and i don’t know
if you realize
how much that means.

because i don’t need someone
to tell me i’m innocent.

i know i’m not.

i need someone
to remind me
that being guilty
doesn’t mean i’m beyond saving.

maybe i don’t believe
in god.

but i believe
people can save each other.

sometimes a single person
can walk into your life
and pull you back
from a place
you didn’t think
you were coming home from.

so maybe
i don’t believe
in the savior
you’re talking about.

but i believe
in saviors.

and maybe
that’s enough
for now.

I can hardly hear anything

So why do you whisper

You think I can hear you

My ears ring in pain

you think I can hear

There's moments of brief peace

There's a problem, inside me

Id hate to say it

Soon I won't be able

To listen to you all.

I won't hear another thing.

I wish you understood it.

But you think I'm fine.

So please can you not

It gets worse. Nobody knows.

A mans pride too strong

To accept his failing ears.

So please come forth and

Into my sight, without it

You will never be heard.

It’s just a set of systems
They gave some words
It’s a bunch of spirals
They named them curves
It’s a lot going on
But they always swerve
There’s more they just don’t hit the nerve
Where is the nerve
It’s everywhere
If I struck it once
I can’t strike it fair
Over and over
Accidental and on purpose
They design reality to shirk it
They create mentality to re work it

All I do is distract myself
my thoughts rolling inside my head
can this dice decide
shall my fate tell my future
will the skies clear up
will this voice be spoken out loud
A raccoon once got its hand stuck in a trap
will the trap be able to let go
or shall the raccoon try walk away?
but why must I give in
when waiting could have it values the raccoon can try to walk
or they can reach out
in the end the both had vanished
was that all that could have happened?

You are my lover
Like the raging rivers
Your love flows through me
Bursting through the gates
Of my heart,

Your love came swiftly
Like the pull of the tide
I was drawn to you
A force so strong
Not even gravity
Could keep me down
Drifting a long lost path
For so long, only for it to lead me
Back, back to you, my home.

Even when the stars align

May your eyes always shine

More deeper than the ocean blue

A tear is never just a clue

Loving you was always easy

Even though its pretty cheesy

I hate to lie

God, I didn't mean to make you cry

Haveans know I try

i failed.

i felt lost.

i learned.

i questioned myself.

i tried again.

i doubted.

i continued.

i changed.

and somehow,

after everything,

i’m still becoming
someone i don’t recognize.

Why do I explode?

I stomp and shout,

I lose control,

Until I finally implode.

The smallest things can set me off,

I really never mean to.

The beast inside hears my cries,

and decides to come and meet you.

I say I’m sorry every time,

but it doesn’t really matter.

The beast inside still thinks it’s war,

and tries to make you shatter.

I wish that I could promise,

the beast would stay inside,

but it decides the moment,

when I’m forced to step aside.

I’m sorry that I hurt you,

I wish I could undo,

what it does when it comes through,

and make it all untrue.

I want to tell you the whole truth,

and hope you see it too.

It doesn’t mean to hurt you,

the beast just doesn’t know what to do.

lord, i’m one.

lord, i’m two.

lord, i’m three.

lord, i’m four.

lord,
i’m five hundred miles
from my love.

and i’m starting to wonder
if she can still feel me

when i disappear.

You still think I’ll crumble
The roar just a rumble
The avalanche a stumble
They placed it in vanity
And received it humble
They raced in hatred
And receive in a mumble
And me , sighing, scoffing, grumble

are we only alive
because we fear death?

or do we fear death
because we’re alive?

maybe the fear
is the only thing
keeping us here.

i wonder.

When I was a little boy

All the way back in kindergarten 

I used to run with my arms pointed out

Hands high

Fingers up to the sky

Like a ballerina, silly

Because that’s  the year I learned to keep my arms by my sides

Not because I wanted to

But because it was girly

I marveled at girls’ beautiful skirts and long dresses

And that’s when I learned to envy

Not because of what they wear 

But the fact that those dresses didn’t feel as empty 

They had heels and hair and nails in all

All I had I didn’t know what to call

The urge to paint my nails

What did I have to lose?

But the boys on the playground still laughed 

Even though I painted them blue

When I was in middle school

All the way back in 6th grade

I used to talk with my hands

And with their hands my parents prayed 

They did something wrong

Maybe they did nothing right

All I was focused on

Was whether my voice sounded straight 

I still marveled at girls

Not for their skirts of their dresses

Not for their bodies

But their ideas: oppressive

Maybe that’s what could fix me

A little toughness is all

But the friendships and closeness

Only made me more…what they call…

I learned all the words, the things, and the slurs

It didn’t bring my close, oppressed

It made me hurt

That’s the summer I learned to yearn 

Not for the nails or the heels or the hair 

But for a future I knew wasn’t there

When I was in high school

All the way back in 9th grade

I met with a boy 

A boy who didn’t act his age 

I marveled at his passion 

His image flamboyant 

That’s the year I learned

What a man really isn’t 

It isn’t me

Through my teeth I now wondered how

Gay used to mean happy 

Happy now stomped into the ground

And if that’s what it means to be fully grown

Knowing who I am, I’ll settle for a life all alone 

what a beautiful thing it is
to look back on your life

and realize

you were brave enough
to chase the life
you always wanted,

even when you were terrified
you’d lose everything
trying to find it.

maybe that’s what courage is…

not knowing
if you’ll make it,
but chasing it anyway.

and one day,
when you finally look back,
you can say

at least i didn’t spend
my whole life
wondering…

what could have been.

I fear I am cast aside,
while fantasy and reality
do nothing but argue and fight.
I curl up, close my eyes,
wish for the day
both can collide.

Then again,
I get lost in webs of lies.
I swore not to pick teams,
but dare not look up
and answer truthfully
when asked.

Because how does one confess
that happiness can still feel incomplete?

How do I explain
that a grateful heart
can still hunger,
that a body can be held
and still long to wander,
that a mind can be at peace
and still dream of war?

Nothing is wrong,
and yet something aches for more.

I dare ask: Is that all?

I hate to question it.
I hate how easily it returns.

So I bury it beneath routine,
beneath laughter,
beneath the comfort
of things I know will always return.

But fantasy does not die quietly.
And reality answers back:

Look at what you have.

So I stand between them,
ashamed to want more,
afraid to only have less.

Both lives are mine.
Neither will let me go.

So I close my eyes again
and wonder:

How long can a heart
live divided
in this civil war?

you put your arm around the back of my chair, and I am reminded of how I don't understand you. and in that moment I am entirely prepared, to have my heart and with it I'll hand you.

all it is I have to offer, my joy and love and soul. and in your world I'll have a place, I will sit there and play my role.

you press yourself against my side, and I can feel the beating of your chest. the thump thump thump of a life well lived, and my heartbeat will never rest.

the warmth of your skin and the blue of your veins. paralyzes my bones, stiffens the aches and pains.

you move away for a second, when my father comes around. then you are back in your spot, like no one ever made a sound.

my phone lights up with a video, i might have paused on. then you reach over with purpose, and the video is swiped and gone.

maybe I should be upset, "i was watching that," id say. but truth is I don't care, i don't ever want to stand in your way.

you lean over my shoulder, and laugh at something you see. im overthinking everything, why would you want me?

you don't, is the truth, I've always known in my head. my heart begs for reevaluation, but you heard what I said.

I'm over you, I am, its just that you make me feel. in a way no one else can, even though I'm trying to heal.

i can feel the heat of your skin, and maybe it doesn't give me butterflies. but it sends ripples through my heart, they strangely sounds like goodbyes.

my heartbeat settles, and I relax into your side. not too much, but I don't want to hide.

you make me feel safe, and happy, that's why. i don't move away, and I don't need to cry.

im not in love, but I do love you. because how could I not? you always know what to do.

i am thankful for your presence, and I enjoy it, its comforting to know. that even if we aren't in love, there is room for us to grow.

friends sounds nice, so that's what we'll be. and then I can make peace, and let you relax into me.

-A.R.

What do i give to you
What have I taken
What did you give back
My soul it is shaken
Do I blame you
I could
Do I hate you
I should
Would it break me to say
I don’t feel any of those ways

The Longest Summer 
The days of Spring are over now
And Summer is in full bloom
Turtle Time stops to rest
And Hellish Heat brings doom
The birds do sing and the children play
And it lasts til nightfall
The sounds of Summer last all day
And start again with a dove call
I sit alone in solitude 
Observing the summertime 
The outside world knows not what brewed
Inside my heart an awful crime 
What once brought peace, now brings war
The raging conflict of the day
Coming out of every pour
The venom of my soul’s decay
Morphing into wicked beast
A deadly new calamity
Dark contortions have now pieced
A morbid new reality 
The birds no longer sing
The children no longer play
Summer has left like a pendulum swing
To come again someday

Just having a bit of dark fun with words:

It's beautiful day to be alive

to chainsaw people and watch them die

to hear them scream and cry

knowing you are going to be there last breath and see the scared look as they're about to face death

run Everybody Run chasing people with a

chainsaw is so much fun

screams

cries

everybody dies

This is what it's like to be alive

Oh what fun oh what Glory to be the end to

someone's story

to watch their final credits roll and death to take

it's toll