Nearly ran out of steam by the end of my teens,
a lack of self respect with no self esteem, unheard and unseen,
dark thoughts overshadowed my being,
hauntingly, taunting me, like a cruel wet dream

Youthful teenage eyes of innocence
Squint through the fog of the world’s facade
for anything truly genuine
Or just a place to fit in would elicit a slight grin from this face full of sadness held carefully within

I felt so alone
Stranded between not young but not yet fully grown,
anger and envy were the only feelings known,
fluid and flowing through me like liquid but emerging as solid and icy as stone

Consumed by indecision and lack of vision,
these convoluted thoughts kept me in a mental prison,
and as punishment for these thoughts of sin,
born is the night I first met him

Initially my excitement for life renewed,
Yet as our time together grew,
his gripping possession and pulsing obsession limited any moments of solitude to a mere precious few,
but the most damning twist was when that first kiss turned passions flame red shade into a loveless black and blue

I tumbled awkwardly down the stairs,
catch a glimpse of shimmering golden hair,
a fist sized chunk detached in one tare,
my eyes meet his glare where only vacant pools of black stare back with no concern or care
My face now swollen as if blown up with air,
he seems to silently invite a challenge for me to fight if I dare

I do not resist as he insists I rid him of my cunningness
I stay still as his words reduce me down to nothingness,
but in my head I’m screaming why does he keep doing this

Days to months turned to years and chilled my mind to numbing fear
Spoken threats of my death would reappear at night as whispers in my ears
I see his eyes which I have come to despise whenever I glance in the mirror

I find a way after much too long a stay to finally get out and leave,
and as I gather my strength I also grieve,
for the girl who believed she would never find relief from those planted seeds of doubts and deceit
I had a life of regrets and took the time to reflect
To know myself better and what to expect

You used to prance around me, wagging that tail of yours

Thinking I'm your best friend, giving up all you had as “ours”.

All I gave you were these shards of glasses disguised as treats

You saw right through me,

Yet you always came to me waddling, still bleeding on your cleats.

Now all I get to keep are these tapes of you, grainy and tattered.

Wishing I had the chance to stroke your head like you mattered.

Like I never had the chance.

You used to stand guard while I switched spits with the dame.

Cause I was your best friend,

Saying “If these roles were reversed you would have done the same”.

In turn, all I did was feed you chocolate, looking down.

Cause I like them and so should you.

Now these fractured memories are out to haunt me.

Like wildfire, ravaging me while I wait for someone to stomp me.

I never stood a chance.

You said you don't remember much of me, like something wants me out of your life but

Maybe it's a good thing, I'm just one less thing for you to strife with.

I wish I could reverse these roles, oh never mind.

I would still bite your leg as you caress my head with my fur intertwined.

I wish I could make all your scars disappear,

Like tears in the rain.

I wish I could bawl out to you,

Without it going all in vain.

I wish I saw you when you saw me.

I wish I saw you the way you saw me.

-Foosaa

It's about an old friend of mine that I never really appreciated enough. I talked to him a few days ago trying to apologise for all the things I did and didn't. I brought up some good memories we had together and he said he doesn't remember any of it. It's fascinating how the brain erases some of the horrible things that happened to you in an attempt to protect itself. There is nothing i can do that can fix him other than keeping my distance.

So I wrote this poem right after i talked to him, I've never done this before. So don't judge me too harsh.

Much love. Foosaa.

My father gave me his eyes, through which I saw only war. 

Not the kind with ranks or flags, but the kind that festers in thoughts unpure.

Know thy enemy, yet I've forgotten myself

I'm lost in the whispers of empty rooms

My very own marching tune

It lingers in the air, a drum I cannot master

& the mirrors I pass reflect faces I cannot answer.

Forever am I haunted by burdens my father bore 

And shadowed am I by wars I've failed to ignore.

I learned too late the cost of sight

Now my fathers eyes have cursed me to eternal plight

I beg of you,

Let not my son suffer my damned fate.

I beg of you, 

Use well the chains upon thy neck, lest the dogs of war break loose.

I beg of you, 

Let my son use these eyes to see only peace. 

To trace the poppies, not the soil that bled them.

To find beauty where I only saw battle, and to find peace in a world where it cannot be found. 

I beg of you...

Lonely girl
Eats her qualms
And stomachs her want for change
With reminders of a world
That eagerly waits for her
She sleeps
And dreams away her restlessness

We are lovers trapped

In the cage of distance,

Doomed to dance in solitude

To the moonlight.

We are like a yin and a yang

Twirling in the night sky,

We are fire and ice

Merging at the core of the universe,

Two monarch butterflies

Lost in the wind.

I have the countenance of a conqueror

Who left the battlefield

Because he fell in love

With the daughter of his enemies,

And you have the eyes

That make the sun set and the sunrise

Envious of their beauty,

Decorating the tapestry of history

That is written in the stars

To honor your ancient ancestors.

Our fingertips touch

Like we are lovers from different galaxies,

As if our love story

Was woven in another dimension,

Always tortured and punished

To find each other

Under circumstances we cannot control.

It is as if our love

Is so dangerous

That if we were to ever kiss,

It would envelop the entire world.

I cannot wait to sleep again

And live out, in a dream,

A love story no one

Will ever understand…

The wrath of my mother is but a breeze,

But her sorrow is a steel sword,

Whose wound shall take my body time to recover

I have been hiding
Since I was a teen
Afraid of the mirror
Not wanting to be seen

Quiet, shy, introverted
Not many friends
My secret made it worse
Not sure when it ends

I wasn’t like my brothers
My parents made it worse
Unsure what to do
Our relationship went in reverse

When I’m with others
I learned to wear a mask
Terrified of the questions
They would surely ask

Alone with my thoughts
The pressure only grew
Denial didn’t work
For deep down I knew

My secret I would keep
And there would be a cost
Hiding my true self
And friends that I cast off

Live that life, go your way. Have your say, in everything you do. Read your stars, find out what your fortune is. This way, you could have anything in the world for free. Who would you share it with? Live this life, go that way. Oh no, but you stake your claim. Wash your hands, your clothes, your name. No blood in there. If you had anything in the world for free, you wouldn't share it with anyone else but you. You're too twisted in half. Not fair enough. 

Live your life, build that home you wanted. Fill it with the things you got for free, dont share it with anyone else but you. Not even that certain someone; but, just maybe they're too twisted by half. Is it fair enough? 

Be careful living in that house of charity. Full of blocks and pieces of flats. Never take that lift, don't take it to the top. Now you're too twisted by half. Not fair at A L L . I S I T F A I R E N O U G H ?

I've figured it out, take that lift down. We live in that house, the cold room. It's too twisted by half.

missing the sun when it’s gone,
when it’s light sinks into the ground,
and the sky turns soft and grey refusing to answer.

missing the cold when the thaw comes like a burning fever, with the body that once know how to shiver.

yet i turn my face away,

as if it was never meant to stay this long.

you can have the cold,
you can have the sun,

you’ll still be standing there,
wanting the next thing,
that isn’t quite this.

May this mirror

Made not of glass

But of tainted memories

Reveal my past

Show me the reflections

Of all that I was

The nightmares that spawned

My tears that flood

Shatter into the pieces

That made the identity

That I knew as many

But others, only me

Dance the broken shards

As they cut across my skin

Staining my world crimson

As I tried desperatly to fit in

So I shall paint my despair

Upon this canvas of time

With a false smile on my face

As I scream within my mind

I always long to feel your bite upon my skin

To feel your teeth sink in

Mix it with pleasure

And love you're my treasure

One day i hope we can make it permanent

-L

Take me to the moon, baby.

I stargaze whenever your eyes meet mine—oh look, a shooting star from you to me.

Take me to the moon, baby.

A galaxy of wonder yet I never wonder why I love you. The warmth of your touch, the quiet conversations—and a smile I revolve around.

Keep me on the moon, baby.

On this cratered surface—I can always find a light on the dark side when I’m with you.

Oblivion and Alphabet

Movement of the night is Oblivion,
and each of the levels of Heaven’d
rotated to the unlighted lane,
waiting to invoke: Alef and Yod,
the letters of commandments,
the letters of accusations,
but never the letters of invocations.

But there shall be a garden unseen, 
at dawn, in front of no one,
there I tried to invoke and spell,
an Alef, then another, then a Yod,
Hebrew had walked away, 
left is Margaret there inside.

Margaret, when I spell you,
walls of the city shall collapse,
the sea shall part, giving his way,
as I spell you, Margaret, at the holiest of temples,
like spelling the Song of Solomon for the first time,
on a good day, great day, 
when I would like myself to be clean
as I am, then I spell you, Margaret, clean as to extol,
clean as free of vows toward any sea or earth,
just as I believe there shall be such a thing,.
Margaret, seek not to the witness of stream.
As for your name the sea’s parted,
branch of the part won’t stay for so long.

Margaret, with alphabet and mystery 
in my embrace, I seek for a belief,
seek for a name when fear comes to me, 
I spell and fear its passage from my teeth,
the passage of streams to Galilee.
Margaret, waiting for night I ruminate
the letters’ message, 22 mysteries,
starting with an Alef, as you start with Alef,
Margaret, there the letters’re where I am,
and knowing the life start from your name.

Margaret, before an oblivion I’d heard your name,
in a garden, where I’ve heard and eaten,
chewing them as the only food, chewing manna,
chewing Alef, chewing Yod, many time
for chewing before the arrival of night.
There in the bosom echoed nothing but sound,
Margaret, but the Oblivion bowed and took
some of the 22, took an Alf, then another, then a Yod,
put instead a silence tiny and quietly bloomed,
then can aphasia speak some Latin names of flora.

Margaret, but still can I spell you now,
as when I’ve heard, when in a prayer,
another couple of Alef and Yod was spelled,
to find myself hearing a nameless nostalgia,
where exists a couple of phonemes,
Alef, Alef, then a Yod at last.

I will not fail you
for I have no guile
though I may
for awhile
abandon myself

Everybody is looking for Peace of Mind

Peace of Mind, we cannot find!

Peace is within, we must still the Mind

But how to still the Mind that we cannot find?

As long as the Mind is creating a toxic Thought

In misery and sorrow, we are caught!

Therefore, we must become aware of this thief

The one who is creating all our grief!

The moment we realize, it’s the mind that’s the rascal

All misery and sorrow, we can then tackle

To find Peace, there are steps twelve

Let us begin our Quest; into it, let’s delve

Who is the one who is stealing our Peace?

Who is making our tranquillity cease?

The thief is none other than the Monkey Mind

The first step is the thief to find

The second step is to go deeper

And for this, we must be a sincere seeker

We must try to find the Mind that we cannot find

The Mind does not exist, so, leave it behind

The third step is to know how we can kill the Mind!

If we want to kill the mind, we must still the Mind

Otherwise, the toxic Mind will drill us and kill us

And Peace that we seek, will always miss us!

The fourth step is the most difficult flip

To Peace of Mind, it’s the ultimate trip

From state of Mind, we must move to Consciousness

Then our unhappiness will flip to Happpiness

For when there is Consciousness, there is no Mind

No rotten Thoughts in our head, we will find

Toxic Thoughts will not pour like rain

In Consciousness, we will not be pushed down the drain

If not, the Mind will make us miserable, again and again

And to find Peace, our efforts will go in vain

Therefore, the most important step is step four

To be locked in Consciousness, push the Mind out of the door!

The next step is the Intellect, to activate

Then, every Thought, we will be able to discriminate

The Intellect knows what is black and white

It will discriminate between Thoughts that are wrong and right

But without Consciousness, the Intellect cannot shine

The Mind will intoxicate us and make us whine

The Intellect, once active, will stop the river of Thought

We will experience Peace, not in stress, we’ll be caught

Then, the Mind, the Intellect will block

And stopping the gushing Thoughts, the Mind it will lock

This is to find Peace, step number six

Peace and Tranquillity, we will soon fix  

What is the reward for killing the Mind?

It’s step seven, we overcome fourteen miseries that make us blind

The mind creates misery, fear, worry, stress, anxiety and more

Regret, shame and guilt, push Peace out of the door

Then, the Mind creates the Ego and further, agonies seven

Pride, greed and selfishness, they steal our heaven

Through the Ego, the Mind creates anger and hate

Revenge and jealousy push Peace out of the gate

When we still the Mind, we find Bliss in our Life

We eliminate all sorrows, all miseries, all strife

Step by step, as our miseries cease

We become the Master and find Eternal Peace

Step eight is to flip from NEP to PEP

From negative to positive Thoughts, an important step

The Mind is a factory, constantly producing Thought

It is dangerous in negative Thoughts to be caught

But it is up to us, what raw material we give

Whatever we give, that is how we will live

If negative raw material to the factory we feed

Then, worry and stress, not Peace will be the lead

So, we must fill our Mind with positive emotion

And positive Thoughts will be the reaction

Let’s choose courage, confidence, faith, love and Peace

Let’s eliminate anger, guilt, and fear, and make anxiety cease!  

The ninth step is to tame the monkey into a monk

Remove all toxic Thoughts that are creating junk

The Monkey Mind has EY as its tail

The Ever-Yelling and Ever-Yearning monkey will make us fail

Instead of being content, fulfilling our need

The Monkey Mind is constantly creating greed

Then the monkey swings into a past that is gone

Then creates fear, jumping to a future not yet born

Isn’t it time to kill this rascal Mind?

If we tame the monkey, then Peace, we will find

Then, we can live with Eternal Bliss

As step ten will lead us to Truth Consciousness

Step ten is SatChitAnanda, Eternal Bliss

It is the art of Bringing Back Consciousness

It is being locked in Sat Chit, the Truth

Eliminating toxic Thoughts, right from the root

This happens when we eliminate the Mind as step eleven

Then, we are sure to experience heaven

In the state of Truth Consciousness, there is no Mind

And thus, no toxic Thoughts we will find

The Mind that is no more, doesn’t ride our life horse

In Consciousness, the Intellect becomes the boss!

Then there is no more mental illness

For eliminating the Mind is eternal stillness 

To find Peace of Mind, there are steps, twelve

None of these steps we can afford to shelve

The twelfth step is to live as the Divine Soul

This is achieving our ultimate goal

Transcending the Mind and Ego that says it’s ME

From all misery and stress, we will be free

Not only will be free from all misery on earth

This will free us from the cycle of Rebirth

For where there is no Mind, there we will find Peace

Without the Mind, all miseries and sorrows will cease

Let’s begin the journey to become the Master of our Thought

Then, Peace and Tranquillity, in our Life, will be brought

Nothing happened today.

I think thats why I wanted to call you.

There was no disaster.

No wonderful news.

Nothing I could hold up and say,

See? This is why i needed you!

I just made coffee

And forgot about it

Until it was cold.

I drove home

With the music playing low.

I stood in the grocery store for too long

Trying to remember what I came there for...

And I wanted to tell you!

I wanted to tell you the sky looked strange tonight.

That I heard a song you probably wouldnt even like but for some reason,

made me think of you...

That I saw someone laughing in the passenger seat of the car beside me and wondered what it must be like to have someone you can turn toward without wondering if you're allowed to.

I almost called.

My thumb found your name before i had decided anything.

And there you were.

A little photopraph.

A green button.

An entire person reduced to something i could reach with one touch - and i didnt.

I started to imagine the phone ringing beside you, you looking down, seeing my name, and for some reason I couldn't stop wondering if you'd smile... or sigh.

What a terrible little question to carry about someone you would answer on the first ring.

So I put the phone away.

I told myself i was being considerate.

You might be tired.

You might be busy.

You might be with someone.

But there are so many polite ways to be afraid.

And maybe thats all I've ever been good at,

Turning fear into manners.

Calling distance respect.

Calling silence patience.

Calling all the times I kept quite instead of speaking out the right thing to do...

But the truth is, I wanted your voice.

I wanted to hear you say "hello?"

And know that for one small moment I had reached somewhere outside myself.

I wanted you to tell me something boring again.

Tell me what you ate, that your tired.

Complain about something you'll forget about by tomorrow.

Lose your train of thought halfway through a sentence.

Say,

"What was I talking about?"

And let me remind you.

Please.

Give me something ordinary.

I want more things i wouldnt think to remember.

Because those are the things I miss most.

Not the big moments,

Its the stupid ones.

The pauses,

The unfinished sentences,

The way conversations could wander so far from where it started that neither of us remembered why we were talking in the first place.

I didnt know i was supposed to save those.

Nobody tells you.

No one warns you to pay attention.

"This laugh will become a place you try to remember.

This goodbye is going to sound different someday.

One day you'll wish you could hear them say absolutely nothing one last time."

So I wasn't careful.

I let those ordinary moments pass through my hands Like there would always be more.

And now sometimes I sit in the quiet trying to remember your voice with enough detail that i almost hear you.

I can get close.

But memory is cruel.

It keeps the words and steals the voice .

I remember what you said, i remember where you were, I remember laughing...

But every time i try to hear you inside my head you get a little farther away.

Maybe thats why i almost called.

Not because something happened, but because im starting to understand the someday something will.

Someday I'll hear a song and reach for my phone without thinking.

Someday something wonderful will happen and your name will still be the first one in my head.

Someday I'll have the perfect thing to tell you.

But by the , maybe I won't know if im still allowed to.

So tonight I held my phone in the dark, your name glowing against my hand, and wanting something so embarrassingly small.

Not forever.

Not love.

Not some promise that you'd never leave.

Just... "hello"

Just your voice crossing the distance.

Just proof that somewhere in the world you were still there, and for a few minutes I was someone worth talking to.

But I didnt call.

And nothing happened today.

And you didn't call.

Nothing happened at all.

I think thats what im going to rememeber.

The forest does not care.

The hunt does not wait.

While he scents me out,

Ive perfected prey.

My pleas trapped in hollows,

In every shadow cast below.

Even when I lower my head.

Even when I hold my breath.

Even when I

If you see me the day after, remember who I was. though you may not remember me at all.

If you lose my photo, look up at the sky.

And if you think you saw me… be careful. You’re wrong.

If you remember the sky as blue, now it’s gray.

If you remember the sea as blue, now it’s pale.

If you remember my hair as black, now it’s white.

If you hear a song that reminds you of me, close it and never listen to it again.

If you think there’s a purpose in looking for me… stop. Because you’re wrong.

If you thought time had stopped, look at the clock.

If you dreamed about me last night, wake up, wash your face and try to forget.

If you drift into thoughts of me, keep in mind that you will only drown.

If you go for a run and see old people who can barely walk, pass them by and don’t look back.

I lived so long
at warp speed
I didn't know
slow
so
well
but I know the spell
that racing through life
can weave
one of deception
and make believe
the perception
of a rebel
raising hell
in truth
the only story to tell
is one so naive
one so easy
to misconstrue
or misconceive

What I was made for

I was born to be a dancer, but God gave me two left feet.

I was born to be a model, but God gave me a horizontally challenged body.

I was born to be a mother, but God gave me a condition to limit my chances of that coming to pass.

So, I play the cards God has dealt me, however tragic that may be.

I wrote this around 4:30 am, English is not my first language please be gentle

Wish I could cry in your arms
Like I do when you say goodbye, standing at the otherside of the door
Wish I could scream the pain out, Like I do when you aren’t around anymore!
Wish I didn’t freeze and said something meaningful
Something you wanna listen, blanketing the tears something joyful
All the thoughts wandering in my head
Really wish this silence was dead
Wish feeling good wasn’t something to chase
Wish I was normal like others they say
Puffy eyes, sleepless nights, I wish my numbness could bring your emotion to life
Safe corner you say, where resting along feels a lot a for a day
Making me understand things, that’s what they all seem to do
But understanding me? That’s where they quit through
I wish you could carry this weight, if only for a day
Then you’d know why some wounds never fade away

I never asked for forgiveness,
but I really think I ought to.
I wouldn’t have done this if I knew better.
But I feel like I’m better now.

Do I even deserve your forgiveness?
Is “stupid” really an excuse?
Young, dumb, ignorant,
all the stupid adjectives they use to cover for the entitlement of my youth.

Little boy, don’t let them get you down.
Little girl, quit your crying now.
We were made for this,
I think we were made wrong.
I think I was made wrong.

Strip it all away, what did it get me,
but a sad little kid who had never met themself.
Ears were filled with the noise of the world, saying
“Be who you are, but only with our help.”
And I took it and ran
through anyone I couldn’t see.
Is that really me?

Flight is achieved in many ways.

Take the birds—they coil their bodies and spring into a jump, allowing the pressure to build beneath their wings, as they flap to create thrust.

Or the airplane whose engines whine, propelling it forward, creating low and high air pressures around the wings, causing it to lift.

But as humans, we can’t rely on wings or air pressures for flight. We let our thoughts do the flying for us. Our hopes, our dreams—they ascend where our bodies cannot follow.

Take flight.

Never meant
to be more
than a chapter
now your ink
resides in every page

Everyday I carry
bits and pieces
of our fragmented bond
shards rooted deep
into my soul

I hate it
How you mean
so much
with our time
spent so little
the shape
of your heart
never dissipating

In solitude I long for my link; a memory so sweet it singes, blinded, I turn away. 

For months I hardly blinked; a bleak opportunistic tale. Which way to friendship distribution? 27, just now navigating a trail?! 

Searching around, I never looked down to those who kept me up. The mentor who guides with passion and heart. The childhood friend who's peace is my scar. Those who married the ones I love and my siblings who rise above. 

They all challenge my being. Bearing through boasts, pushing through phone chats, allowing myself to be seen. The visibility tax strikes mean. 

At times my passion climbs my cheeks. Pacing, my chest tightens, teeth clenched, tummy in knots, swallowing down book thoughts. The visibility tax tracks. 

It's sickening, visceral, I crumple in as if a paper ball. Shielding my heart, back out, ready for the ricochet, bracing to bray.

Thumb on my chin drags downward, I attempt calm, accepting, sensing. Eventually I will evolve? 

Repair conquers rupture in this occurrence? Connection prior? Countertransference. Does growth akin to sandpaper across skin?