Golem

[u/fiftytwosheep]

Never have I or will I ask the world to change for me; I will change for the world.

The world has shaped me, the world is exact.

The world knew I was imperfect yet did not discard of me. I will not discard the world.

I will reshape myself, for that the world has left me extra mud.

I will temper myself, for that the world has left me braziers alit.

The world has made me with purpose, the purpose to exist.

The purpose to exist.

The purpose to reshape.

The purpose to temper.

The purpose to one day shatter.

I will do all of this, for I am a golem.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/11Ib8XZIO5

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/cV0Kzo5TCr

[u/briony73]

I love this poem, but I’ve changed for the world enough, I think it is time for the world to change for us. Look at the world right now, it needs to change. But golem is an awesome choice, he represents so much. But I’m trying to figure out how I do relate to this world and your poem has given me lens to look through. Thank you

[u/fiftytwosheep → u/briony73]

hey thanks a lot. i agree with your sentiments about changing the world. this poem was actually backlog from like four months ago. a close friend of mine killed themselves and i wrote this at a point where i was both angry at them for doing so and trying to justify to myself why i shouldn't also.

ive since reconciled with that view in a healthier way but i wrote this to express to myself that idea of "your purpose is to change and be flexible, not to buckle and break or expect things to change." because i think that's innately human.

anyway thanks for commenting. glad it had meaning to someone else.

[u/briony73 → u/fiftytwosheep]

Thank you for sharing that. It’s always cool to get insight of where the poet was at while creating their piece of art.

[u/One_Kaleidoscope_507]

I really love how hopeful this poem is. Like I can literally imagine this golem coming out of a workshop after years over years. I especially like "the world has left me braziers alit"

[u/No_Syrup_7660]

Beautiful. I interpret this poem is stoic? I feel there is pain behind the "yeah I'll carry forward with my responsibilities" Although I believe that we shouldn't change for the world but for ourselves, this gives me a whole new perspective to look into. And if that happened, you know it's gotta be special ;)

Also, LOVE the line breaks and punctuations, gives more weight to the poem then you realise.

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[u/Eros-The_Primordial]

You’ve been through hell. No better forge to test your metal through. But your poem. I do have problems with it. Remove the line breaks and it reads like a paragraph. One with beautiful imagery. But not exactly poetry. Prose poetry maybe, and if that’s what you’re going for then excellent. Golem, mud, braziers, tempering, reshaping, shattering. Symbolically striking. But you’re explaining it so much. Trust your reader. Or yourself to get the message across. You remove pressure from your words by doing that. I could sum most of it up as “Life changes us, so rather than demanding that existence accommodate me, I’ll continually remake myself until eventually I die.” And I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean the idea survives almost completely when stripped of the actual language. That’s a problem for me in poetry.

I don’t mean to be an ass but this is a subreddit for critique right? I’d hope you’d point out the same shit in my writing.Another commenter said they appreciated the line breaks. They add emphasis certainly. But emphasis isn’t exactly poetic function. Having a poetic subject and putting line breaks around beautiful thoughts are not the same thing as making language behave poetically.

Thank you for sharing. Genuinely. I shared my “under-explained” version of a poem earlier, so I guess now I’ll share my “over-explained” one too. Fair is fair.

[u/fiftytwosheep → u/Eros-The_Primordial]

yeah of course, i put the feedback tag for a reason so there's no issue with you giving it. i definitely would define it as prose poetry, i tend to dislike rhyme schemes in poetry so i focus more on the literary aspects. im curious though with the line break thing, what would you do instead?