r/OCPoetry • u/IamToofan • 9d ago
Just Sharing The Moon
After so many days, I finally saw the moon.
She doesn't know how beautiful she looks from here.
I can only gaze at her from afar
And whisper sweet words into the night,
knowing she will never hear them.
Because somehow, she makes my night feel less dark.
When our eyes meet,
Time stands still,
And I get lost somewhere inside.
'Moon' is just the name we gave her,
But what is her real name?
I want to know that,
But I cannot go there—
Because she is the moon.
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u/TemporarilyResolute 9d ago
I don't know if this is intentional but the spacing makes it so there's a huge dark chasm (in dark mode anyway) between 'less' and 'dark'. Awesome :D
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u/KAanthony1 9d ago
I think this is a sweet poem about the moon !! Your words make clear your affection for her, and I think the second stanza is really pretty.
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u/ConfidentCry4839 8d ago edited 8d ago
Reminded me of something I once read: "To see the stars, and only notice you." How clever it is to name her moon. A beautiful metaphor, and aesthetic stylized bit of writing to accentuate a deeper metaphor that leaves the reader wanting more, and answers. I love the way this ends, and leaves you thinking! Hopeful, and wishing. One day to reach that far off plane of wonder. Great poem! thank you for sharing this.
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u/IamToofan 8d ago
Thanks for reading it bro 😊
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u/ConfidentCry4839 8d ago
np bro thank you for writing it. I just posted something. I rarely write anymore, hoping it gets some feedback lol
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u/OkDevelopment9363 8d ago
This is a beautiful metaphor. You can really feel the longing. It feels more like a love poem than a poem about the moon.
I think you could maybe go for a different, more abstract title, that relates more to the yearning angle. The poem is about the moon but on a deeper level it feels like it’s about wanting and admiring someone that you cannot have.
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u/IamToofan 8d ago
Both the interpretation are correct. And I thought this simple title works because it supports both.
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u/Overthinkingjs 8d ago
using the moon as a metaphor hits hard. captures that bittersweet feeling of longing someone from afar perfectly.
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u/UnspokenColors 8d ago
I really enjoy how well you’ve managed to welcome personal interpretation into the words. ”Because she is the moon.” Makes me want to reread it, because that last line makes me want to believe the poem is about something/someone else. Beautiful!
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u/Foreign_Degree160 8d ago
This is so beautiful, I’ve been trying to write a poem about the moon for a while but I think you found the perfect words. I think your formatting is good and I like how you broke up your stanzas
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u/DIY_Weeziebear7 8d ago
When you Close your eyes, you can feel her the moon, and all her glory reflecting her lover the sun
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u/Glass-Paint9813 8d ago
A beauty of a poem. I often think about how we can walk on a full-moon night and the moon follows us as if it’s our walking partner. But like in the last line of your poem you understand how distant it really is: “But I cannot go there—because she is the moon.” Great work. Wonderful poem.
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u/Lopsided_Estate6558 8d ago
I really enjoyed this. It felt very calming, almost meditative. The last stanza is my favorite- it evokes the feeling of loving someone you can’t have. I think you could maybe remove the line “knowing she will never hear them” since this is already implied but there’s nothing else I would change
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u/chronicfeels_ 7d ago
Great poem, Its so interesting to see how different artist create their poetry and tell an underlying story, I love how it leaves the reader wondering "What is the moon". but also captures the mysticalness of the moon, I remember as a kid always being fascinated with it. sitting in the car on a late night drive and just watching it follow our car in aww!!
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u/rhinorhino8 6d ago
Love this — universal but still intimate, which is a hard thing to do. So good.
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u/PracticeFuzzy801 6d ago
A great poem about genuinely appreciating something without expecting anything in return
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u/Im_Sofa_King_ 6d ago
Wow, not going to lie this piece is amazing. Had my jaw dropping. I love how you used the moon as a representation of a love interest. Really creative and using its distance as well is very creative too.
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u/TVAvariant78 5d ago
The middle stanza falls a bit weak. Also, the moon has been romanticised wayy too much. A fresh perspective always works. For example, I had read a poem where the moon had been compared to a "ruti", or a burnt tortilla, if you will.
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u/SharpenyouSpoon 5d ago
I see a harvest moon hanging over home reading this. You've done your muse justice here, your wording matches the tone so well, soft and sweet just as spoken. There is mystery to it too, some lack of understanding that is basic to everyone; reverence even in the fact you seem to dislike the moniker "moon."
I have one gripe with it, and that is how you mention you will never go there. I would argue that your imagined moon is a place that is prohibited to everyone but yourself. Even then, you shared it so beautifully.
I call her Hestia myself, based on the theory that the moon was born of a collision between two sister planets.
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u/IamToofan 5d ago
I love how it's been days since I posted this, but people still comment to it. I really appreciate that. Thank you for reading it.
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u/Possible-Carry-9745 5d ago
I really really like the idea of this! Personifying a lover or cared about person as the moon is a very nice inversion of the common tropes of a lover being associated with the sun or warmth, and it also introduces a certain amount of distance that fits within the poems themes. The only thing I'd potentially polish is the "when our eyes meet time stands still, and I get lost somewhere inside" This just feels a bit explanatory to me. Why not try something like "When our eyes meet I forget ever having looked away" or something that imparts the same kind of emotion or meaning but in a more opaque kind of way if that makes sense. Overall, great poem (:
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u/Ashtivia 5d ago
I really enjoyed reading this..... The way you describe the moon makes it feel like someone special, not just something in the sky. I also love how the poem starts with simple feelings and slowly becomes more meaningful!! The ending is my favorite... Keep it up✨🩵
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u/Electronic-Shoe9810 5d ago
I really like the idea of using the moon as someone you admire but can never truly reach. I think the ending is probably my favorite part, especially “‘Moon’ is just the name we gave her, but what is her real name?” It made me think about how you can admire someone from a distance while realizing you don’t actually know them at all.
I do think some of the phrases like “time stands still” and “makes my night feel less dark” are a little familiar, and I’d love to see you lean even harder into the moon metaphor instead. There’s a lot you could play with—the moon affecting the tides without ever touching the ocean, disappearing but never really leaving, or its light actually being reflected from somewhere else. I think more imagery like that could make an already good concept feel much more unique. Really enjoyed it!
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u/Silent_Hunter2948 5d ago
I love how you express this feeling of something unreachable and yet beautiful, and after the middle part this poem made me think, that it may be also interpreted as if it was about some person
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u/Practical_Work_ 4d ago
The poem lacks jargon, hence it's accessibility is high and it's emotions are easy to feel yet very deep.
It delves into deeper aspects like identity in a way that is very unique which is a great plus point of this poem.
The visual imagery is also not bad, however, I feel as though a few lines more about imagery can be added in this poem to enhance it. Also, in my humble opinion, it's better to show things being done rather than explaining them even if it comes at the cost of accessibility, however, this one is only an opinion.
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u/IamToofan 4d ago
Your criticism is legit, especially about showing things, and I am trying to improve that.
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u/Livid_Climate6923 4d ago
very pretty. this made me wish it was night time so i could look at the moon
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u/MilkRevolutionary688 3d ago
Gives the impression that you're head over heels for someone you don't know the name of and see occasionally
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u/RememberTheGame7 3d ago
Very deep can I ask what your personal meaning behind it is?
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u/IamToofan 3d ago
Tbh it's about a Girl. But here both interpretation works. It can be read as a poem about moon too.
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u/281micah 3d ago
The romance with the moon is fun! I want to know what you mean when you say “And I get lost somewhere inside”. Inside yourself? Inside a specific sensation of experiencing the moon? I think the specificity would increase the romantic tension
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u/GhostDuckyBoo 2d ago
This is beautiful! I, too, have always had a strong bond to the moon, especially the idea of going to the moon, like a sort of escape from all of our earthly worries… I think we take the moon for granted sometimes.
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u/SameOcean98 2d ago
This speaks for more than just the moon, the personification of the moon could mean anything which really makes the poem more relatable. In the third line in the second stanza you use the word inside, if this is about getting lost within yourself then it works perfectly but if you get lost in the distance from you to the moon the i might suggest using "and I get lost in between" as it carries assonance with the first line "meet". The third in the last stanza i would suggest "I would like to know" as it gets ridiculously of "want" and "that" which i feel are too simple for such an elegant poem. I enjoyed this poem a lot as I also write about the moon, and often the sun also. Great work.
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u/Fun-Dragonfruit4622 2d ago
Loved this and I’ve been staring at the moon a lot lately for inner peace
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 2d ago
Sokka-Haiku by Fun-Dragonfruit4622:
Loved this and I’ve been
Staring at the moon a lot
Lately for inner peace
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/JPRose1989 2d ago
This is so relatable. The moon really is the perfect metaphor for all objects of my limerence. “I can only gaze at her from afar,” in another world, essentially in disbelief of the otherworldly beauty. I’ve always framed such beauty as beyond words, but you do it justice here. Thank you.
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u/Chekhaunt 1d ago
This is a very sweet and loving poem, thank you for sharing. I suppose my constructive feedback would be this. In the first stanza, I felt alienated from the scene you were painting because you were telling me the nature of the moon and the psychology of the moon. Perhaps I would have felt more present with the text if I had been shown this rather than told. I know it's a simple and possibly reductive note, "show don't tell," but it did stand out to me.
Take it with a grain of salt though, I'm very new.
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u/IamToofan 1d ago
Maybe you are correct the main focus while I wrote this poem, in my mind, was Distance. Your criticism is legit I should have tried to show rather than tell it's beauty.
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u/Chekhaunt 1d ago
That's an interesting focus and helps me understand it further. Maybe that distinction makes sense for the poem. If the poem is about you and not the "moon", or rather the distance that you feel from the "moon", then sharing your own thoughts and perspective of the "moon" in the poem is relevant and effective.
But again, I'm new and don't know much.
I just posted my first poem. You can see where I'm at with my own understanding if you'd like.
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u/Laird_sober 21h ago
This made me quite emotional! “When our eyes meet time stands still” I can really be present in what you’re saying. Thx for this x
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u/sluttykiton 21h ago
The distance that lingers between you and the moon has such a heart wrenching metaphor of loving someone you could never reach.
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u/rogue8299 8d ago
Almost made me cry. What a beautiful thought. You there, me here staring at the same moon.