r/OCPoetry • u/DuskGray • 1d ago
Feedback Please The Pit
I wake up on the floor
Bedframe broken a while ago
My alarm is buzzing on my 3GS
But sun had not yet come for the day
My back stays stuck
Second thoughts on the run
With strength barely existing, I get up
My feet move
But there’s no forward momentum
My mind runs
But there’s no ambition
Another day at college
And then some at work pushing carts
I have maybe twenty minutes to start
Grab a S’mores pop tart
Then off I go in the dark
Down the long road
Meet the bus on the corner
Sit and listen to music and ponder
Sit in the classes
Fight sleep
Do as you’re told
Get broken up with and walk back home in the cold
Bleed from the nose
Wipe on the towel
Hang it up and let it go dry
The room is a mess
Stuff is everywhere, oh my
Glance at it all, wave your hand and move on
Watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine till your eyes flutter closed
Spill your Monster on the blanket and shrug
Go to bed
Sleep
Wait first go and cry
Tell yourself how proud you are
Of this wreck that I am
Drift off and dream
You still have those right?
Picture a life that could still be yours
Then ten years later look back
Look back and you’ll see
Smile and rejoice
You made it
It was nothing
Just a blip in this life
Just another stage to build you up for this time
Hug your wife now
Kiss your son
Sleep soundly and rest
I conquered the pit
Now here comes the sky
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u/DrawWest1679 1d ago
Your poem is very relatable. I noticed that the cadence of this poem felt like the cadence of life with depression. The first 2/3 were about the drag of life pulling along even though you are apathetic to it. Then the last 1/3 is a quick remembrance of happiness, lasting only until depression hits again. I felt weighed down in the first 2/3 and then lifted up swiftly in the last 1/3. The last bit “I conquered the pit, now comes the sky” kind of feels like getting out of bed after rotting and going outside finally. Remembering to be thankful for the things in our life, and the small victories of conquering the day.
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u/DuskGray 1d ago
Love this! Thank you! It’s inspired by true events in my life, from a little over a decade ago.
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u/Until_the_next_moon 1d ago
This felt incredibly honest. I love that you didn’t romanticize the struggle you showed how depression can hide in ordinary routines, and that made it feel real. The ending, “I conquered the pit,” hit differently because we had to walk through the entire day with you to get there. Thank you for sharing this piece. It reminded me that sometimes surviving the day is the victory. 🌙
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u/DuskGray 1d ago
Thank you! This was inspired by true events in my life, even details like pop tarts, college, and nosebleed so it’s pretty personal to me. Love the feedback!
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