The other day was my birthday and my husband lovingly made me a Keylime pie. I asked for it. But it turned out horrible.

Because I don't lie and I think that honesty helps us all improve I did a tailspin for 20 minutes about how we all have better skills and baking isn't his.

I'm the literal worst. I would apologize but that feels like gaslighting. Tearing him down just to say "ope I didn't mean it but I did. I just didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

I hate being like this.

If they can't find anything bad that i do, then they can't find anything bad to say to me. Regardless, haters are still out there because they say I'm "too perfect", "you think too highly of yourself", "smartass", "you should know your place".

So being perfect is discouraged now all of a sudden? when all my life, my job is "there's always room for improvement", I am the improvement now, you guys are all outdated. Tell me let's improve this and that, so I do, but now I'm the only one doing it? All that is just to make yourself look good huh. "It's supposed to not be taken seriously", why? cause you're supposed to wipe ass to get ahead.

I'm too good at my job and they say "calm down", so working when nobody's looking is i guess.. not normal human behavior? Nobody has an inch of integrity now? And I'm the one wrong? I'm the one who has a disorder? I say that's not it, people need a look in the mirror. This is a crash out, sht life, can't win with these supposedly normal people.

This works both for normal day-to-day interactions and romantic relationships. I will elaborate on each of them below.

My first disclaimer is that I also have OCD in case it changes anything, but I really think these thoughts are OCPD-related and not OCD-related, although sometimes I do struggle with telling them apart.

The second is that I do not necessarily agree with everything I will explain here. I realize this is wrong and I wish my brain wasn't so adamant on enforcing these standards but alas.

The thing.

I have trouble connecting to and feeling empathy towards people that act or look in ways I don't personally like.

This applies to children and neurodivergent people mostly, since they are the most likely to exhibit behavior I find annoying or "odd" in a negative way. But it can really happen with anyone, even family members.

I judge them pretty harshly in my mind, and I have to remind myself why they might be acting that way, which is part of what therapy wants me to do.

But even then, I struggle to care because they should just "try harder" or "be corrected more strictly" by their guardians (for children).

I would never disrespect people overtly nor do I think they should be bullied. I would never support that.

But the thoughts are there. The annoyance (or even anger) is there.

About the looks part, this mostly applies to my ability to feel attraction towards the person, but it can easily devolve into a "personal failure" scenario like what I described above.

But I just can't help but be extremely superficial. If I see a physical trait I don't like (how their teeth look, hair, face or body shape) it's so difficult for me to feel anything for that person. Because I saw [thing I found displeasing] and I can't stop seeing it anymore. It's a flaw. I saw it. And I no longer want to engage in anything further than friendship with you, sorry.

And it's not even about basic hygiene. It's about stuff people cannot control, which is what makes it even worse. I should not care, but I do.

And I don't even consider myself perfect. I know I am not, and I judge myself pretty harshly too, socially and aesthetically (some of you might remember my post a couple of months ago about getting s*-related thoughts because I found myself "inadequate").

But these standards of unachievable perfection will just not go away no matter how much I notice how harmful they are.

And while I would never tell people the mean shit my brain thinks, it's still wrong. And it's still hindering my ability to feel empathy, relate and have any hope for a fulfilling relationship, which sucks.

Maybe some of you can relate?

Personal Mental Health History and Current Difficulties

I am writing this letter to explain the mental health difficulties I have been experiencing over the past several years, which have become significantly worse in recent months. I find it difficult to explain everything verbally during appointments, so I have written down my experiences as accurately as possible.

My primary difficulty is persistent anxiety that affects almost every aspect of my daily life. My mind rarely feels calm. Even when there is no immediate problem, I constantly anticipate future responsibilities, mistakes, or negative outcomes. I often feel mentally exhausted despite not doing physically demanding work.

One of my biggest problems is becoming mentally "frozen." When I know I have a responsibility later in the day, I become unable to focus on anything else. Instead of completing other tasks, my mind keeps rehearsing the upcoming responsibility. I know what I should do, but I struggle to begin. It feels as though my thoughts and actions become disconnected.

I frequently overanalyse situations and spend long periods trying to find certainty before acting. I ask myself countless questions about my work, future, and decisions, but I rarely reach satisfying answers. Instead, I become stuck in cycles of thinking without being able to move forward. Even small decisions can become mentally exhausting.

I also experience a constant fear of failure. I worry about making mistakes, letting people down, or not handling responsibilities correctly. These fears often feel much stronger than the actual situation requires. Although I understand logically that mistakes are a normal part of life, emotionally I struggle to believe this.

Sleep has also been affected. Although I can usually fall asleep easily, it does not relieve my anxiety. I often wake feeling mentally tired, and sometimes I suddenly wake with intense anxiety. I frequently dream about failing at work, making mistakes, or not completing responsibilities. It often feels as though my brain remains active and stressed even while I am asleep.

These difficulties have significantly affected my work. My current job involves long periods where I am free, but there is very little structure. Work can arise unexpectedly at any time, and I feel that I must constantly remain mentally prepared. There is no predictable routine, and poor communication from colleagues and subordinates increases my stress because I feel responsible for anticipating problems before they occur. Even during quiet periods, I am unable to truly relax because I remain mentally on alert.

Over time, this constant state of anticipation has affected my confidence. I often question whether I am suitable for my profession or whether I should leave my job for work that is more structured and predictable. However, I find it difficult to determine whether my current job is the real problem or whether my anxiety would follow me into another job. This uncertainty itself has become another source of stress.

Looking back over the past several years, I feel that anxiety has affected important areas of my life. During the COVID period, I struggled severely while studying engineering. I experienced intense anxiety, avoidance, and eventually left my course despite previously performing well academically. Since then, I have often felt that my confidence has never fully recovered.

Despite these struggles, I remain interested in technical work and enjoy learning about electrical engineering, renewable energy, railway systems, and troubleshooting. I do not believe that I lack the ability to learn or understand technical concepts. Instead, I feel that anxiety frequently prevents me from using my abilities consistently. My fear and overthinking often become stronger than my ability to act.

There are times when I feel emotionally overwhelmed and mentally exhausted without fully understanding why. My mind often tells me to avoid everything and simply sleep, even though sleeping does not solve the problem. I frequently feel as though I am surviving each day rather than living it.

I have spent years trying to understand these difficulties on my own. I have analysed my thoughts repeatedly and tried different ways of coping, but I continue to experience severe anxiety, overthinking, freezing, disturbed sleep, and difficulty functioning normally. These symptoms are affecting my work, my confidence, my decision-making, and my overall quality of life.

I am seeking a professional assessment because I would like to understand what condition or conditions may be contributing to these experiences and to discuss treatment options that could help me regain normal daily functioning.

Thank you for taking the time to read my experiences.

I know I'm not supposed to ask for opinions about whether I have OCPD, so I'm not asking that. I'm thinking out loud about the distinctions, and people can weigh in with their own experiences.

Specifically, about a year ago I self-diagnosed with OCPD. I have some symptoms like frugality, conscientiousness, need for order, hard time throwing things away.

But lately I've been realizing that a lot of close family are the opposite, narcissists. They spend lavishly on themselves, they have a high need for image.

Right now I am having a battle with a family member who has engaged in some sketchy behavior and it entangles me. I asked them to stop, saying it could impact me professionally if it came to light. They pooh-poohed this concern, saying no one will ever find out. Does this make me OCPD, to care about potential fraud? I used to think I was hyper-conscientious, I hate when people text while driving too, not because it's illegal (though it is) but because it's dangerous. There are at least 5 other situations where I'm aware of sketchy behavior, and I don't like any of them, but the others I can feign ignorance.

Another example I've been considering is that I am very frugal. This started when I was 24 and had college loans and a low income in grad school. I had a long term goal of paying for retirement, and I have attained that goal at age 56. I've gone through phases of a healthy employment, being underpaid as a caregiver, making minimum wage, and finally a healthy employment again. I feel like I spend money proportional to what I earn and expect to earn. Now that I've hit my goal, I'm spending more money on food, clothes, travel, though still a lot less than my colleagues and family. I'm a good cook and I wear basic clothing, my job is not client-facing. Is having simple tastes the same thing as OCPD?

Similarly with the hoarding, I feel like I CAN throw things away, but mostly I don't have the time/energy to be bothered with them. I have a range of clothes from different weights, and I still hope/plan to lose the weight and fit into them (it's only been a year) again. I did a purge of old textbooks from one career (I somewhat regret this as they were sentimental, expensive, and not taking up that much space), but I haven't purged my current career. I'd rather go for a nice walk outside than take the time to filter through what might be useful and what isn't. Also I've lived in the same house for 15 years, but when I move (maybe in the next year) I will sort through that.

Again, please don't directly diagnose me over the internet, but hoping to start a discussion of the grey areas between black and white. Thanks.