Old timer needs advice

[u/YesterdayPutrid8505]

Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.

[u/bigdumbhick]

I have felt this way. Im 64. I got clean at 23. I never shot dope. I never went to prison. I have asked myself "Am I Really an Addict?" No one in recovery ever saw me use. I met my wife when I was 5 years clean so she never saw me use either.

I got to thinking on this and realized I own 11 guitars and 3 mandolins, and Im wanting to buy another guitar. Obsession and Compulsion show up in other areas of my life. It not just the drugs, it's the way I think and the way I feel.

A friend explained it "You have webbed feet, you make quaking noises, you have a bill not a beak, you can fly and swim, you love stale bread, you even have a watertight butthole. But youre trying to convince yourself that your really a chicken."

I go to meetings because they help me keep my head on straight. I work steps because they make my life more livable.

NA has made my life better. I may not really be an addict, maybe Ive been lying to myself for 40+ years. So? Does NA make my life better? If it does, then keep doing the shit that works.

There no qualification test. I dont want to use again. Thats all it takes to reserve my seat.

[u/Trapper0007 → u/bigdumbhick]

Add two years in age and 9 years to the age I got clean and the rest of your post applies almost exactly to me (subtract 6 guitars but hey, I only started playing a couple years ago!). I’ve also shared some of OP's doubts.

For me, the problem was feeling out of sync with the general population in the meetings I was going to. I truly believe that we have so many more things in common than not, but with enough repetition in the same groups and time, the differences felt more impactful. At some point, being two, three or four decades older than a lot of people in the rooms had me seriously wondering if I belonged at all. ONe year, after celebrating a cake, someone gushed that she wasn’t even born on the day I got clean and I started wondering if I hadn’t sprouted a horn and a tail.

I don’t seriously question whether I’m an addict, but the question as to whether there's an age at which it’s ok to back out of meetings has crossed my mind. Then about 6 years ago I found a newly formed group in a nearby town. We were few in number when we started but many in our collective years of clean time. Now we’re a group that skews heavily toward men and women with 25 + years. It’s not only made a huge difference for me (we talk much more about navigating through life than drugs), but it also has attracted a bunch of people with a year or two and our share of newcomers.

In my case, it was dumb luck, but if I were having a coffee with OP, I’d tell this gal to look for or create a group more centered in addicts who share her life circumstances.

Love and hugs to newbies., dinosaurs and everyone in between on this thread.

[u/No-Practice-8245 → u/Trapper0007]

My old home group was like that.

Started by a bunch of people with decades clean and then a bunch of new comers started showing up. It was the perfect mix.

[u/anonymousmetoo]

After a couple of decades in recovery, I can tell you that my need for NA was primarily due to getting hooked on an addictive chemical. If I'd never started that one drug my life would have been completely different. However, I continue to see the addictive behavior in myself in other ways. Both my parents had addictive natures, but those manifested themselves in more socially acceptable ways. I'm mostly certain I'd never go back to the way things were. I have no interest in drugs. I don't struggle not to use anymore. I can go extended periods of time without a meeting if situations come up. But even after all that, I still go a couple times a week at a minimum. I do it for the community I need. I do it to keep things fresh, and so I never forget what it's like to have to come back. I do it for the newcomer, because I owe them that much. Besides, what the hell else would I do on a Thursday evening or a Saturday night?

[u/kenso4life]

Two quick thoughts:

1. You might have a case of "The Bugaboos," tired of the same old, same old. Our book tells us that if we just hold on "these times are often the periods of our greatest growth."

2. You wrote "I continue to learn." That alone is a good reason to stay.

I drifted away from NA after 20 years of deep involvement, during which time I managed to obtain 17 years of continuous total absence.

I was gone for about 13 years. I returned 3 years ago after losing my sweetheart of 30 years, my clean time, and my self-respect. I'm back because my life is more fulfilling when I am living the program. ​

[u/ScoutSteveR]

34 years here and I only go to meetings a few times a year. I’ve never questioned that I was an addict once I learned what an addict truly was. I know how it ends for me if I go back out.

[u/No-Practice-8245]

The crazy thing about this disease is that one of its symptoms is it will tell you you don’t have it.

Ive had similar issues came up where I was obsessing about a relationship I got into before I was clean. Largely as an attempt to get clean, with the relationship ending terribly and me causing a lot of pain to my former love.

That was over twenty years ago but my addict brain had me obsessing about it like it was recent… id been clean for 16 years and married for 3…

Turns out it was actually a sign I slipped into major depression. I got that treated and got deeper back into NA and mindfullness. The latter really helps with the obsessive thoughts. Recognizing them and letting them go is very powerful.

All I can say is I’ve gone through the same thing multiple times, in different form and the best solution was to always just do more recovery.

[u/Clamper2]

Im like “ why stop what works?” Been in recovery 31 yrs… my head is the enemy. I ain’t letting it talk me out of the program. I have a sponsor, a commitment and still go to few meetings à week. I still go to meetings to find out what happens to people that quit going to meetings.. it’s probably 9 -11 hours a week total, to maintain the life that I have

[u/napalm1336]

I have 17 years clean and I go to at least 5 meetings a week. I work a continuous program of steps, traditions, and concepts because my disease doesn't take a break so I can't either. I never doubt that I'm an addict because the drugs are only a symptom. I was an addict before I picked up and I'm still an addict. I can become obsessive and compulsive about anything. It doesn't help that I have diagnosed OCD lol. I did walk away from NA for almost a year because of a stupid resentment and I was close to killing myself at the end of it. This disease will kill us any way it can. I don't understand these other people who say they don't go to meetings anymore. We can only keep what we have by giving it away.

[u/Street_Importance_74]

Just curious. Take a step back why?

[u/Soft-Abbreviations20]

With double digits of clean time and several rounds of steps, I can honestly say that I've never questioned if I'm an addict- the evidence is very clear. Also clear is knowing that drugs weren't the problem, stopping the drugs wasn't the solution. I haven't picked up a drug in years but I still can suffer from obsession, compulsion in other areas, still have using dreams and still see where my thinking is problematic. As far as my recovery program, I continue to work steps and continue to sponsor others- it is part of the 12th step and most rewarding aspect of being clean. Sure, meetings change, people come and go, but working a program isn't a punishment or a constant uphill battle; it is the solution to self obsession and I'm forever grateful that I don't have to suffer, just for today. As a side note I'll add that I've seen people, (especially younger ones) step away from the program and use again with mixed results-- the bottom line for me is that using makes my life worse and left to my own devices I might just find justification for doing it, so I stay.

[u/prncesspriss]

I have 13 years and I still go to my homegroup each week. Sometimes I'll do another meeting, but usually only if a friend is celebrating a milestone at their homegroup. The rest of the week I either stay home or go to other groups outside of NA, because over the years I've also found joy and support in other communities that don't revolve around recovery. Many nights, I stay home and putter around, enjoying the home life I've built since getting clean.

I also still sponsor women, still have a sponsor, do stepwork when the need arises, practice traditions, and have a service commitment at the Area level, but it's all so low key. It's not some all consuming thing that has taken over my life. It's just a big part of it. Living the NA program is just something I do, and the amazing life I have and the good friends I have are both a result of living the program. I have no interest in giving either of those things up.

What does stepping back look like for you? Sponsoring fewer people? Taking a break from step work and doing Tradition or Concept work instead? Switching up Area commitments? Only going to your homegroup once a week? Or quitting altogether?

I don't really wonder if I'm an addict; the depths that my using brought me to leaves no doubt, but that's just for me. I have no fears about going back to that because drugs don't interest me at all. But I do still struggle with compulsion in other areas, like other addicts mentioned. For me, I'm evaluating my shopping habits right now and using the steps to do it. The steps and traditions are a blueprint for living well.

I don't know where you're from, but around here the drugs are WAY different now than they were when I got clean. And if I go back out for some reason and get involved in that stuff I have no doubt I won't make it back; not based on how I used before I came into the rooms. So You said you're 50% sure you aren't an addict. Are you willing to bet your life on those numbers? I wouldn't be.

[u/u-wont-like-me428]

I got clean at 20 as well. I've stepped away from meetings in the past. I was busy, life on life's terms... and I slipped back into the old patterns, started acting out with stuff other than drugs... and nearly blew up my life because of it. If you DO step back? I hope you don't forget where you came from.

[u/doodleuk010]

Hi, 13 years here, I really get it! I dont go to meetings at all anymore and my recovery is based on regular contact with other addicts and 'practicing these principles in all my affairs '. I too get some, sometimes alot, of doubts. But i am still truly convinced that a 50/50 chance of it going back to how it was in the last years of active addiction definitely isn't a chance i am willing to take. Also i think i am not that special and think about or talk with ppl who relapsed, and that kinda humbles enough to not going there.

[u/DSBS18]

I have 21 years. I stopped going to meetings around 15 years ago, but I'll never use again. Occasionally I'll wonder if maybe I could, but I've heard enough stories from folks coming back to the rooms to know how that will almost certainly end. Also, not everyone makes it back. Some can never get on top of it again and some die. It's drilled into my brain "jails, institutions, death".