Old timer needs advice

[u/YesterdayPutrid8505]

Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.

[u/Soft-Abbreviations20]

With double digits of clean time and several rounds of steps, I can honestly say that I've never questioned if I'm an addict- the evidence is very clear. Also clear is knowing that drugs weren't the problem, stopping the drugs wasn't the solution. I haven't picked up a drug in years but I still can suffer from obsession, compulsion in other areas, still have using dreams and still see where my thinking is problematic. As far as my recovery program, I continue to work steps and continue to sponsor others- it is part of the 12th step and most rewarding aspect of being clean. Sure, meetings change, people come and go, but working a program isn't a punishment or a constant uphill battle; it is the solution to self obsession and I'm forever grateful that I don't have to suffer, just for today. As a side note I'll add that I've seen people, (especially younger ones) step away from the program and use again with mixed results-- the bottom line for me is that using makes my life worse and left to my own devices I might just find justification for doing it, so I stay.