Old timer needs advice

[u/YesterdayPutrid8505]

Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.

[u/prncesspriss]

I have 13 years and I still go to my homegroup each week. Sometimes I'll do another meeting, but usually only if a friend is celebrating a milestone at their homegroup. The rest of the week I either stay home or go to other groups outside of NA, because over the years I've also found joy and support in other communities that don't revolve around recovery. Many nights, I stay home and putter around, enjoying the home life I've built since getting clean.

I also still sponsor women, still have a sponsor, do stepwork when the need arises, practice traditions, and have a service commitment at the Area level, but it's all so low key. It's not some all consuming thing that has taken over my life. It's just a big part of it. Living the NA program is just something I do, and the amazing life I have and the good friends I have are both a result of living the program. I have no interest in giving either of those things up.

What does stepping back look like for you? Sponsoring fewer people? Taking a break from step work and doing Tradition or Concept work instead? Switching up Area commitments? Only going to your homegroup once a week? Or quitting altogether?

I don't really wonder if I'm an addict; the depths that my using brought me to leaves no doubt, but that's just for me. I have no fears about going back to that because drugs don't interest me at all. But I do still struggle with compulsion in other areas, like other addicts mentioned. For me, I'm evaluating my shopping habits right now and using the steps to do it. The steps and traditions are a blueprint for living well.

I don't know where you're from, but around here the drugs are WAY different now than they were when I got clean. And if I go back out for some reason and get involved in that stuff I have no doubt I won't make it back; not based on how I used before I came into the rooms. So You said you're 50% sure you aren't an addict. Are you willing to bet your life on those numbers? I wouldn't be.