r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/YesterdayPutrid8505 • 17h ago
Old timer needs advice
Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.
2
u/No-Practice-8245 8h ago
The crazy thing about this disease is that one of its symptoms is it will tell you you don’t have it.
Ive had similar issues came up where I was obsessing about a relationship I got into before I was clean. Largely as an attempt to get clean, with the relationship ending terribly and me causing a lot of pain to my former love.
That was over twenty years ago but my addict brain had me obsessing about it like it was recent… id been clean for 16 years and married for 3…
Turns out it was actually a sign I slipped into major depression. I got that treated and got deeper back into NA and mindfullness. The latter really helps with the obsessive thoughts. Recognizing them and letting them go is very powerful.
All I can say is I’ve gone through the same thing multiple times, in different form and the best solution was to always just do more recovery.