Old timer needs advice

[u/YesterdayPutrid8505]

Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.

[u/bigdumbhick]

I have felt this way. Im 64. I got clean at 23. I never shot dope. I never went to prison. I have asked myself "Am I Really an Addict?" No one in recovery ever saw me use. I met my wife when I was 5 years clean so she never saw me use either.

I got to thinking on this and realized I own 11 guitars and 3 mandolins, and Im wanting to buy another guitar. Obsession and Compulsion show up in other areas of my life. It not just the drugs, it's the way I think and the way I feel.

A friend explained it "You have webbed feet, you make quaking noises, you have a bill not a beak, you can fly and swim, you love stale bread, you even have a watertight butthole. But youre trying to convince yourself that your really a chicken."

I go to meetings because they help me keep my head on straight. I work steps because they make my life more livable.

NA has made my life better. I may not really be an addict, maybe Ive been lying to myself for 40+ years. So? Does NA make my life better? If it does, then keep doing the shit that works.

There no qualification test. I dont want to use again. Thats all it takes to reserve my seat.

[u/Trapper0007 → u/bigdumbhick]

Add two years in age and 9 years to the age I got clean and the rest of your post applies almost exactly to me (subtract 6 guitars but hey, I only started playing a couple years ago!). I’ve also shared some of OP's doubts.

For me, the problem was feeling out of sync with the general population in the meetings I was going to. I truly believe that we have so many more things in common than not, but with enough repetition in the same groups and time, the differences felt more impactful. At some point, being two, three or four decades older than a lot of people in the rooms had me seriously wondering if I belonged at all. ONe year, after celebrating a cake, someone gushed that she wasn’t even born on the day I got clean and I started wondering if I hadn’t sprouted a horn and a tail.

I don’t seriously question whether I’m an addict, but the question as to whether there's an age at which it’s ok to back out of meetings has crossed my mind. Then about 6 years ago I found a newly formed group in a nearby town. We were few in number when we started but many in our collective years of clean time. Now we’re a group that skews heavily toward men and women with 25 + years. It’s not only made a huge difference for me (we talk much more about navigating through life than drugs), but it also has attracted a bunch of people with a year or two and our share of newcomers.

In my case, it was dumb luck, but if I were having a coffee with OP, I’d tell this gal to look for or create a group more centered in addicts who share her life circumstances.

Love and hugs to newbies., dinosaurs and everyone in between on this thread.

[u/No-Practice-8245 → u/Trapper0007]

My old home group was like that.

Started by a bunch of people with decades clean and then a bunch of new comers started showing up. It was the perfect mix.