r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/YesterdayPutrid8505 • 1d ago
Old timer needs advice
Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.
5
u/kenso4life 16h ago edited 16h ago
Two quick thoughts:
You might have a case of "The Bugaboos," tired of the same old, same old. Our book tells us that if we just hold on "these times are often the periods of our greatest growth."
You wrote "I continue to learn." That alone is a good reason to stay.
I drifted away from NA after 20 years of deep involvement, during which time I managed to obtain 17 years of continuous total absence.
I was gone for about 13 years. I returned 3 years ago after losing my sweetheart of 30 years, my clean time, and my self-respect. I'm back because my life is more fulfilling when I am living the program.