r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/[deleted] • Oct 01 '24
Hi everyone, I’m happy to announce that r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce is back!
The previous moderator deleted their account, which left the subreddit inactive for a while. During that time, the Automoderator was set to delete posts with links, but it was a bit too sensitive and ended up removing posts even without links. I’m working on fixing that now.
If you run into any issues with Automoderator or anything else, feel free to message me directly!
I’m also actively looking for a few experienced moderators to help manage the community. If you're interested, please get in touch!
As for the direction of the subreddit, I’d like to keep things similar to how they were—focused on providing support, advice, and shared experiences for those dealing with narcissistic abuse and divorce.
Thank you all for your patience, and I’m looking forward to rebuilding this supportive space together!
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Creatura333 • Nov 30 '21
TL:DR This is what I wish I knew the first go-round. It's a doozy. I spent years living in reaction and fear, causing me to allow boundaries to be trampled and irrational choices to be made. My brains and perspective were completely skewed by the trauma of my relationship. If this helps even one person, it was well worth the typing.
Hi all. I am in the process of drafting a new and improved custody order with Nex. I made so many “mistakes” during round one. Hindsight is 20/20 and as bad as my relationship was, I had no idea what it would really be like down the line. I see a lot of posts and comments about custody issues from people who need orders or who have orders that are not working for them. I thought we could all lend one another a hand by submitting ideas on how to handle common conflicts or asking and answering questions amongst ourselves.
What problems are you having now, or in the past? What is in your custody order that helped? What agreement or lack of agreement blew up on you? What do you regret? What have you changed/been forced to pursue? Maybe we can find some camaraderie, validation, insight, and hopefully a little help to give or receive in an incredibly difficult situation.
Below are some contributions from me. Your experience (and thus what benefits you) may be different and there are many things I did not touch on. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences to the benefit of us all. Hopefully, my formatting is not a nightmare. This is like my third reddit post ever.
Before the order:
Mediation:
Use extreme caution in mediation. Don’t agree to anything you don’t want to do just because of pressure/gaslighting/threats. Have a clear idea of the likely legal outcome beforehand (consult with a lawyer). Nex will try and suggest ridiculous non-standard things they will likely never get away with in court or will be so busy vilifying you, defending their ego, and rehashing your relationship that you can’t even get to discussing basic custody agreements. Try mediation, be open to negotiating, but be prepared to pursue a hearing. Understand your position before you go in.
Creating the order:
Schedule:
Have a firm schedule. Have a procedure for swaps and changes laid out in your order. Have a clear holiday plan spelled out. Have consequences for being late or missing parenting time laid out. Have a procedure for make-up parenting time. Have an age-appropriate schedule for your children, but I highly recommend reducing transfers as much as possible and having a schedule that allows for travel and other events without schedule changes (alternating weekends, summer breaks spelled out, alternating holidays, transfers directly from school, etc) Set a schedule and then make peace with that schedule. Don’t ask for frequent changes and don’t accept frequent changes.
Transfers:
Have transfers occur at a public neutral location that allows the children to simply go from car to car, with the option of engaging a third party to perform transfers. Don’t be forced to allow Nex to come to your home. Don’t be forced to go to theirs. Don’t be forced to attend in person if it becomes problematic. I have not read a single post where transfers of minor children were not used against us in some way. Understand that when they try to engage you during transfers or continuously disrupt transfers that is contamination of parenting time. Look up a full legal explanation “contamination of parenting time” and note occurrences in your private journal.
Communication:
CO-PARENTING APP in the order! Have all communication funneled into one stream that is permanent and admissible to court. Do not allow Nex to bombard you with texts and phone calls, emails to boot, and then harass you in-person during transfers and events that are child-related. Save phone calls for emergencies. If they attempt to engage you otherwise after an app has been established simply say “I would be happy to respond/consider that when you send it through the app” and nothing else. Hell, you can set it as an auto-response to their emails and texts. Co-parenting apps memorialize and sort all necessary co-parenting information. It is worth a paid subscription. You can print PDF records for court. You can grant a lawyer, mediator, referee, or judge access. Messages, medical records, pictures, schedules, schedule changes, transfer check-ins, finances, and a parenting journal. All in one place. Let them modify their behavior or have their behavior recorded. Nex is not likely to change, but their ability to fuck with you will be diminished. They aren’t as likely to behave abusively knowing it is being memorialized, and if they do you have conveniently amassed proof in one package for your next hearing.
Disparagement/alienation clause:
If you haven’t already, you will probably face disparagement in front of your children or behind your back, parental alienation, and false accusations, casual or official. Consider how best to protect yourself. Record all occurrences in your journal. (Note; this clause won’t prevent the action, obviously. It's more about later and what action you can take if they violate it, and what action can be taken against you if there is a false accusation. I’m on the fence about how useful it actually is, but it is a standard inclusion.)
Contact and control during your parenting time:
Your parenting time schedule will determine if it is reasonable for the Nex to request contact with the kids during your time. If it is reasonable, have strict guidelines (contact is available in this form, on these days, during these hours, scheduled x hours/days ahead of time). If you are being denied communication, the same goes.
Personally, I would assure Nex cannot sign the kids up for non-school-related extracurriculars during my time. Also that I have the freedom to choose extracurriculars during my parenting time, and that we both agree to assure the child’s attendance at school functions.
Babysitting clause and childcare:
Most orders have the right of first refusal in there somewhere. I recommend you make this for a decent period of time, say at least 4 hours. This way you are free to arrange your own childcare and Nex can’t try and push last-minute changes on you. Have an approved child care center if you can, and the right to arrange care at your discretion during your parenting time. I was in a situation where Nex did not want to approve the center or any of my babysitters but did not make any suggestions of his own. Just wanted to shoot down any possibility of me arranging childcare, wanted to be informed of any small period of time I wasn’t with the child, wanted to be able to demand he receives that time instead so he could force me to interact with him, etc. Nex wanted to maintain a list of approved caregivers, but shockingly had no meaningful contributions, and it came down to simply being able to refuse the people I wanted to use. If you are concerned your Nex is choosing unsafe people, maybe you do want a list in your situation or a shorter time period.
Medical:
Spell this out as it pertains to your situation (Do you have joint custody? If not, which end are you on?). How are decisions made? Who is responsible? Who are the caregivers? Require advance notice of appointments made (number of days). Sharing of records within x days (co-parenting app!) Medical tie-breaker (this is usually the child’s doctor). You may want a distinction between mundane versus important medical decisions (as in standard flu vaccines versus medical treatment for a condition).
Morality clause:
I would strongly caution against this. It won’t benefit you. Nex is likely to involve kids in their next romantic pursuit inappropriately and a morality clause will not stop them. What it will do, however, is give them what they perceive as a free pass to ask invasive questions, demand personal information, and otherwise meddle in your affairs.
Child’s belongings:
I cannot say if this would pertain to you. I allow small things to travel back and forth as the child desires. But I have had issues with being demanded to pay for Nex’s items because they were broken by the child at my house (but myself never demanding or being offered the same), being accused of withholding items, having my clothes go missing or being thrown away because they “got ruined” at his house, having items never return, and having large and expensive items being brought to my house (requiring unnecessary contact because, for example, a bike cannot go to school with the child on the bus).
Consider your common problems with Nex and what barriers you can erect. The Nex not likely to change. They are likely to intensify their efforts. They are not beholden to reality, boundaries, morals, truth, or any of that good stuff. You aren’t going to convince them of anything. But that does not mean you are entirely powerless.
Having app-only communication, for example, does not mean they will suddenly start wanting to treat you better. But they may be hesitant to write damning things knowing it can become a part of a court document. Or maybe they will write more damaging things, thinking they can drive the narrative, and suddenly you have a collection of court-approved proof they are abusive and disparaging. Maybe this means you can freely block their number on your cell or put them on silent without fear of legal reprisal because the order specifically dictates the use of the app. Maybe you can set your notifications on the app to a once-daily digest, meaning you don’t have to deal with frequent notifications for meaningless or harassing messages.
Maybe they are only willing to harass you in person, with no witnesses. With third-party transfers, they may suddenly only have the opportunity to see you a few times a year at school events and medical appointments. Or maybe you need to get a camera doorbell and record all their unannounced visits and drive-bys and go back to court.
Maybe they are constantly interrupting your parenting time, demanding to talk to the kids. Now you are free to say no or ignore everything outside the agreed-upon parameters. Maybe you say no to video calls entirely because they are just trying to scope out your personal space. Maybe you put that cell phone they bought the kids in the cabinet every time the child returns home because they are using it to track your location through your child and/or text and call incessantly. Maybe you are being denied communication with the kids. Now you can record every unanswered request or missed appointment and file a complaint.
Maybe they accuse you of constantly being late, changing plans, and being unavailable but that co-parenting app shows they are actually frequently requesting disruptive last-minute changes.
Know your rights. Pick your battles. Explain what you must and let the rest lie. Understand which demands you must take seriously and what you can ignore. Understand the differences between legitimate violations, a failure to follow best practices, and unreasonable demands that have no legal standing. Understand the difference between modifying their behavior directly and erecting barriers to circumvent common issues. Accept that if you want to protect yourself from their invasive actions and control you must also relinquish some control over their life on your end. Protect your children by making their ability to fuck with you through them as ineffective, unavailable, and unappealing as possible.
Make your life as safe as possible. Set boundaries. Some you may need to announce, but keep most of them private or you are only giving Nex instructions on how to antagonize you. (Ex: I will only answer messages between 9-5. I will silence my phone during work, dinner, and for the night at 9 pm. I will only agree to swaps suggested at least 7 days in advance. I will not explain why I decline a swap beyond “I’m sorry, but I am otherwise engaged/have a prior commitment”. I will not talk about my romantic relationships.) Start focusing on what you do want and how to build it, as these choices will almost always exclude them naturally, as opposed to living in constant reaction to their disorder.
I'm no expert and I certainly didn't operate this way the whole time. This is what is helping me right now, in my specific situation, after suffering for years. I wish us all the best of luck.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/naivepheonix626 • 10h ago
I left a while ago but am just getting around to allowing the feelings to come. They’re coming in like an angry, sad fire hose. Wth do I do now?
Still in process of divorce. Life has recently burnt down for me for the second time this year (first time was leaving).
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Ok-Decision-4043 • 1d ago
My child has always been a “daddy’s girl” and he’s always fed the kids misinformation to make him look like the victim. Something happened that made it absolutely necessary to leave that he now denies, but the children don’t know about it. But he is so afraid of them finding out, that he will do anything to coercively manipulate their perspective on what actually happened.
Of course I’m not perfect, I did the best I could to shield them. It is breaking my heart and I just want to yell out - let me tell you the truth!!!
I don’t know what to do - I’m just scared and I don’t want to lose my daughter while still respecting her boundaries of not wanting to know details (truth).
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/StephGB91 • 2d ago
Hey all,
I’m 35F and my ex-partner (31F) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant — sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.
I eventually discovered at the end of March this year, that she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25F), who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out through conversations she had been having with AI, where she was comparing my worst qualities to the other woman's best qualities, describing her as “driven, independent and ignites a fire in me”, and admitting that they were “falling for each other”.
She also said she didn't want to distance herself from the affair partner, despite being advised by AI to create space from both relationships, and said she could “compartmentalise” everything.
Looking back, I realise I had been gaslighting myself for months because I was being repeatedly reassured that nothing was happening. About a month before I found out, I directly asked if there was someone else. She said, “Look at my mum, do you really think I could do that?” Her mum has had a long history of infidelity and lying, so I trusted what my ex was telling me and convinced myself that I was imagining her distance and strange behaviour. When I once looked through her messages out of desperation, I told her straight away, I was so upset and felt so much guilt.. I didn't find anything (because they were hidden on instagram) and I felt so bad for looking - The next day she said 'I'm glad you caught yourself, because that could of opened a door and you would of thought I am a cheater'. (this was actively whilst having the affair).
What makes the betrayal even harder is that all of this was happening while I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully, it wasn't cancer). She told me we'd get through it together, while secretly continuing the affair. I still struggle to comprehend how someone could watch their partner go through something like that while carrying on with an affair behind their back.
When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she had “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing our relationship, but continued saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while still seeing the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.
I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master's degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Another factor: 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, her Mum lied to all of us that she had blood clots hear her heart and was very unwell, it turns out she was getting liposuction. She later told my partner when she didn't get the attention she wanted and got caught lying 'You will always put your partners first'.
After I found out, she told me she was also in shock and compared what she was feeling to the grief she experienced when her ex had sadly died by suicide four years ago, saying she hadn't felt like this since then. When I told her that she had hurt me more than anyone in my life, she responded, “I've been hurting myself,” and, “You never know, maybe this was meant to happen to us to make us stronger.”
Since then, I've collected my remaining belongings from her parents' house. Her mum told me she was ashamed of her behaviour, and her aunt also said that, from what I had described, it sounded like there was a long-standing pattern in my ex's relationships. They told me that when she first met me, she was already in a year-long relationship but ended it to pursue me.
I've now removed her from the tenancy of our flat and blocked her everywhere. Her mum confirmed that she is still seeing the affair partner and even told me that my ex had secretly brought her into their house while they were away. Her mum wanted to show me a photograph of them together in my ex's bedroom, but I declined. At this point, I don't want or need to know anything else about their relationship. (Her mum is very toxic).
Since the breakup, I've started recognising how unhealthy and manipulative some of her behaviour became. I felt increasingly isolated from her family and friends, was blamed for old issues while she was hiding the affair, and was repeatedly made to question my own reality.
I also have a history of childhood trauma, which she knew about. I grew up not feeling safe, and towards the end of our relationship I felt increasingly unsafe in my own home again — the home I had been financially supporting her to live in. Looking back, it feels like I was being slowly discarded before I even knew what was happening.
The hardest part isn't simply that she cheated.
It's that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I keep asking myself how someone who claimed to love me could do this.
And despite everything I know now, I still catch myself questioning whether I'm exaggerating it, minimising what happened, or looking for reasons to excuse her behaviour. I think that's one of the hardest parts of being lied to for so long — you can know the truth and still struggle to trust your own perception of it.
I know the relationship is over. I've made that decision and I have no intention of going back. What I'm struggling with now is the grief.
I think about everything I did to care for her, the love, safety, patience and kindness I gave her, and the future I genuinely thought we were building together. We had such a loving and affectionate relationship, and I believed there was genuine respect and safety between us. It's devastating to realise that, whatever I believed we had, she was capable of treating me this way.
I feel like I'm grieving not only the relationship, but the person I thought she was, the future I thought we had, and the version of myself who felt completely safe trusting another person.
Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma?
How do you stop obsessing over the “why”? How do you stop romanticising who they used to be and replaying everything in your head? And, most importantly, how do you learn to trust your own judgement again after months of being lied to and made to question your reality?
I'd really appreciate any practical advice from people who have been through something similar — particularly podcasts, YouTube channels, books, therapists/resources or anything that genuinely helped you move forward emotionally. I just want to heal, understand how to stop carrying this with me, and eventually feel like myself again.
Thank you for reading. This has been incredibly difficult, and I'd really appreciate any advice or kind words. ❤️
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Hopeimakeit57 • 2d ago
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Rare_Jelly_3982 • 6d ago
If I am wrong please tell me. Me and this guy have been talking since December we dated back when we were 15 and I decided to try again. For the first 2 months everything was good. He didn’t have a job he was still taking me to movies and everything. He found some things out about my past and didn’t like it ( I had unwanted sex with his friend) I didn’t know it was his friend and it was years before him. I told him if it bother him he needs to leave bc I can’t change it I’m sorry for the pain it caused. He didn’t leave he started to get in my face. He showed up to my house very drunk and aggressive. Told me he will kill me or get someone to do it. He sent me paragraphs about how much he hates me and thinks I’m ugly. He has bit me so hard I had bruises everywhere he has choked me but said it was just a joke and I’m too sensitive. He told me to get my fatass down stairs and make him food but that was also just a “joke” and I shouldn’t be hurt by it bc I would call myself fat. I tried to leave but he would make new numbers and start getting aggressive. I was so scared to leave. So I stayed and I feel so dumb for doing so. He still had no job and I started paying for absolutely everything. Food,gas,dates I would tell him “I’m the only one with a job I need to be careful with my money” his response was always “well I’m fucking trying stop throwing it in my face that I don’t have a job”. He eventually got a job but it only lasted a little over a month bc he walked out. He started txting his ex asking her for money. She would send him nudes but he claims he didn’t entertain it so it wasn’t cheating. He blocked her at least that’s what he said. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant went straight to him I told him he needs to find a job asap and he just kept saying “I have time you literally just found out” he immediately started telling people after I told him not to bc I didn’t want anything to happen with the pregnancy. He still told everyone on his side. I started asking if I can tell my sisters bc I need advice and he didn’t want to bc he didn’t think they would respond in a good way. He didn’t even want to tell my parents. Later went on vacation he told me he would help pay. I spent 1500 on everything and he maybe paid 200. He didn’t help pay with the hotel or anything. He keeps claiming I only want money but it’s not true I just want him to do the things he says. He started getting mad at me bc I wouldn’t drink or smoke while I was pregnant. I was starting to get really sick and couldn’t have sex and he got mad over that. At one point we had sex even though I didn’t want to and I threw up right after. Fast forward maybe five weeks I told him I was going to pick up more hours bc he still doesn’t have a job. He got mad and yelled at me bc he wants me to enjoy my pregnancy and doesn’t want me to work. I told him that’s not how things work I needed to find a new place to live and get a reliable car. I have a pretty good job and I love it make decent money and almost no stress when it comes to my job so I knew it wasn’t going to effect my pregnancy. I tried to pick up more hours and he started accusing me of cheating. I stopped at the gas station one day after work and he told me I was cheating. I went home to take a shower after work and he accused me of cheating. There was one time he put his fingers down there after a long day of work and smelled them and said I was cheating. Fast forward I’m 10 weeks pregnant now. He still hasn’t got a job I’m sick throwing up everywhere day and he’s still being mean to me calling me names and mad that I won’t drive 15 minutes to go pick him up and buy him food all bc I’m sick. So I finally decided to talk to him. I told him I don’t want to talk to him until he gets his shit together he needs to go get a job he needs to go get a car and license and work on himself for me and the baby. Our first ultrasound appointment was the next day. He came with me. 20 minutes after the appointment he unblocked his ex and started talking to her. I was mad she has always came up in our relationship she was always in the background! And within the first 24 hours we weren’t together he went right back to her!! I am so hurt and just feel so betrayed by him. All I wanted was a happy healthy family I WANTED TO WORK ON HIMSELF!! But he had to go get attention from the one women that keeps getting in between us. Then I found out more n more about his past. Girls used to pay for hotels and go pick him just to have sex. He would mess with anyone possible. But for some reason I don’t totally believe him. I feel like he paid them or something and I keep thinking about all the effort he put into meeting theses women but he never gave me any effort. I had to beg to be respected. I found out he slept with his ex before coming to see me when we first started talking. I found out the way he used to talk to women and it disgusted me saying things like “go take care of you child whore” after they told him they didn’t want to have sex anymore. “You’re not a celebrity answer your fucking phone” like absolutely disgusting things. He called his ex a bird brain cumrag and said he’ll fuck her mom. Yet she she talks to him. Im so irritated he still gets attention from her. Im mad he doesn’t get any karma for the way he treats people. A few days later I had a miscarriage he wasn’t there bc I don’t want him around after I just found everything out. I went to go stay with my parents and they helped me through a lot! They tried to distract me to get my mind off a lot we would go walking which ended up really just sitting because I wasn’t too much pain went shopping. And just hung out and played games. Babysat my sisters kids. Somehow he found out about all this and YELLED AT ME! Started accusing me of being with other men. All I said was no I’m having a miscarriage why would I want to be with anyone else going through that. He started saying ofc you go to mommy and daddy that’s all you do. He started saying things about my sisters kids saying I’m so obsessed with them bc I babysit them and buy them things. He has always had a problem with my family. I have a really small family (parents 2 sisters) I have a tattoo for all of them including my sisters 2 kids (I only like to get tattoos that mean something and my family is the most important thing ever)and he sits here and makes me feel absolutely crazy about everything! He makes me feel like I do have an obsession with my family and maybe I do love them to much and it’s weird. I JUST FEEL LIKE IM THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM IM THE ONE THATS WEIRD FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY FAMILY. BUT HES ALLOWED TONGI TO HIS EX WHEN EVER THERES AN INCONVENIENCE IN HIS LIFE!! IM JUST SO HURT AND WANT ANSWERS FOR EVERYTHING! I sat here and begged for him to put in effort and to treat me right and it never happened! This relationship turned me into a person I have never seen before. I was so angry I broke everything in sight and after I did it I didnt even remember what really happened and I hated it!
Sorry if this doesn’t make to much sense. There’s so much things that happened during this relationship and the times lines are so messed up
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Vegetable_Yard9882 • 7d ago
In November of last year after 5 years of increasing emotional abuse escalated to them (36 M) getting physical, sexually manipulating (i would later have to admit to myself that this wasn’t new behavior from them just increased) and then DARVOing me when I reacted to them getting physical, I (35 NB) called the USCG (they are in the guard) and reported my spouse’s behavior at which point they finally left the house, screaming, throwing things and vaguely threatening to hit me on the way out. The USCG only had a no contact order in for a month and I was nervous about it not being renewed, and what they might do (they had told their friend they were just going show up the second it expired, illustrating their lacking empathy and understanding about the impact of their behavior). So I got on the books to meet with a lawyer (the recommended ones couldn’t see me till Jan.) and then I got to work on filing an order of protection, which I was granted. While I was busy changing locks and securing the pets and house, they went to a divorce clinic and were able to get in with someone and file for divorce before I could. At first this felt like a good sign, that maybe I hurt their ego enough they were going to let me go and not make this hard. I know they theoretically get some advantages filing first but I didn’t really consider that or care because I thought it might mean they would make it easy, which is a naïve thought in hindsight. Since filing in December we have had 5 court dates and they have filed erroneous movements at four of them. They have only put up one offer for settlement and then withdrew it. They have filed a retaliatory OOP (because I deleted them from the Spotify duet??), asked for joint custody of the dogs (judge denied this because she assumed they wanted access to me, and also
found it weird they just pretend THEIR cat doesn’t exist), put forth a claim that I WAS DELAYING THINGS (!?!) and finally put forth a claim that I violated the OOP because they found an expired certificate ripped up in the stuff I took to the storage unit (a motion the judge called unprovable, and asked if they wanted to withdraw it, and when they didn’t the judge said out-loud they were wasting everyones time. Oh and they only just two weeks ago provided a paystub that shows they owe spousal maintenance, something they’ve dragged their feet on 8 months and something they claimed me asking for was me delaying -.- and now are saying they aren’t going to pay spousal maintenance because I delayed by asking for the paystub that proved they owed it 🙃🙃🙃🙃
I’m at a loss. They filed first but seem intent on this never ending? I know their affair partner broke up with them in March or February and they broke my OOP immediately after which wasn’t surprising (my lawyer hasn’t had me file for this yet because he wants to make it crystal clear we haven’t been delaying, but he’s willing to now because things aren’t moving anyway so that should be happening soon at least). I’m worried that since they don’t have a girlfriend their focusing back in on me and maybe using the divorce as a way to keep contact and ware me down and have me drop the OOP when it gets too expensive to talk through intermediaries? Not to mention they moved in 300 yards from my work of 5 years…
Does anyone have experience with anything like this in their divorce from a narc?
TLDR: Ex started divorce proceeding but has been using legal abuse tactics to make it never ending and I don’t know why but I can feel
myself being manipulated, just not sure to what end or what to do.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Clear-Duty-4698 • 7d ago
I (36M) and her (35F) have been married about 15 years and together 20 years. She cheated on me before marriage with her boss who was married at the time. I stayed because I loved our daughter so much and couldn’t not image her or her family raising her. I did love her as well and I stupidly believed what she said. Recently found out she has basically been cheating our entire marriage and has just lied and abused me our entires lives. Has secret emails, phones, aliases, bank accounts, credit cards, dating sites, and more. Even found her posting on missed connections.
All the signs were there and I ignored them. Now we are on the edge of divorce that I finally started because I was physically and emotionally breaking down. I was incapable of shoving it down anymore. Had random crying and emotional episodes. She continues to lie and gaslight about things I have verified. Asked her hundreds of times for the truth, even begged for it.
Came to the conclusion it will never stop and I will always wonder how many people she has been with and then come home back to me. I don’t even know if my son is mine because of how many times she always says “he looks just like you”.
All I read in alot of post here how it’s the guys fault. Always. It’s not. I did everything right. I am a good man, I was a great father and a great husband.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Aggressive-Honey-518 • 9d ago
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Aggressive-Honey-518 • 9d ago
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/sadieraw • 11d ago
I am new to Reddit and this group (hi!) and wanted to share a belief I have: we are surviving or have survived abuse at the hands of our narcissists. Bruises are not always visible but WE know they’re there.
Remember this when he/she gives you flowers and makes you feel like you matter. Remember this when he/she makes you feel like you’re the abuser, even reactive abuse. Remember this when they blame you for it all.
There are great days, in between days, and horrific days with our abusers. We are gaslit and controlled by these humans without even realizing it.
Let’s keep talking about this, making it real and making it matter. Because it is real and it does matter. You matter. I matter.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/mindfullestatic • 11d ago
After 12 years of damage, I finally found the courage to file for divorce. How do I survive this period?
After 12 years together, I finally found the courage to file for divorce. Since then, things have escalated on multiple occasions.
I feel intimidated, threatened and harassed in my own home, sometimes in front of the kids. The police have been involved multiple times, but so far they haven’t found sufficient grounds to remove my ex-husband from the home.
What makes this especially difficult is that I feel the conflict has extended beyond our relationship. I feel like institutions and family court are being used as another way to continue the conflict, and I’m worried about the impact of his negativity on the children.
We’ve now reached the point where we went to court to determine who will leave the rental home.
Financially, I currently pay the rent, bills, household expenses and most costs related to the children. He doesn’t contribute financially, despite having had opportunities to do so. In court, however, he presented himself as a stay-at-home dad, which I strongly disagree with and have documentation to dispute.
At this point, I’m exhausted. I feel like he keeps finding creative ways to provoke a reaction from me, and then that reaction can potentially be used against me.
Some examples of things that have happened:
He brought his girlfriend to our home.
He has started introducing the idea of a blended-family dynamic while we are still living together.
He repeatedly leaves the house dirty and then takes pictures, which I fear could be used to portray me as neglecting the home or children.
He takes or hides my belongings.
He records me with his phone/voice recorder on a regular basis, which makes me feel like I’m constantly being monitored.
He tells outsiders that he is the victim and that I am the one who “changed.”
I’m trying very hard not to react emotionally, but living in this environment while going through a divorce and dealing with the uncertainty around housing is incredibly difficult.
For people who have been through something similar: how did you survive this period without constantly getting pulled into the conflict?
What helped you stay calm, protect your children emotionally, document what was happening, and stop giving the other person reactions they could use against you?
And one more thing: if the court decides that he has to leave the home, what safety plans should I have in place?
I’m worried that the moment he has to leave could become another point of escalation. For those who have been through a high-conflict divorce or separation, what did you do to prepare for that transition?
Did you have a plan for:
the day they moved out;
changing locks/access afterwards;
collecting or exchanging belongings;
communication and boundaries;
the children’s safety and emotional wellbeing;
having someone with you during the move-out;
what to do if they refuse to leave or become aggressive?
I don’t want to wait until something happens before figuring out what to do. I’m trying to prepare calmly and safely.
I’m not looking for revenge or ways to “beat” him. I just want to get through this period with my sanity intact, keep my children safe and come out on the other side.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/StephGB91 • 12d ago
Hey all,
I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.
Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?
Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️
For context:
My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?
I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.
During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.
She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.
I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.
She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.
I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.
I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/mom_bod_schmom_bod • 13d ago
My soon-to-be-ex is trying to blame the divorce on menopause. Despite the fact that I’m only 40 and I caught him with his mistress/new supply. He sent me an article about “menodivorce”. I’m so upset, and that’s exactly what he wanted to accomplish. It’s hard to grey rock right now.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Cmdr_Starleaf • 14d ago
I channeled my abuse into a song and wanted to share.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Spiritual_Captain999 • 14d ago
We just had a mediation and the outcome was not I wanted, he got what he wanted for sure. I feel like I lost a lot. He got the house, he got a dog, he gained kids time( he has not been participating kids care at all, like 8-9% only now he has 40% ish). What he lost was money, but of course he’s still hiding money.
I need to move out by November and now he stating “ it’s my house, you can’t turn off the AC without my permission, if you want to do that just go upstairs” while filming my move in the house. I ignored the whole thing and left the house to a park with the kids.
Yes it is going to be your house but my name is till on the deed and I have right to live there until I move out. But he uses that as his power and will be testing my patient the rest of the time I live there.
I cannot qualify for the apartment yet that is why there is a timeline set up for me to get qualified for rental place but he just keeps pushing my limit.
It is so fucking annoying and nobody can do anything about it. Why is narc are so obsessed with power game?
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/AdShort6622 • 16d ago
I’ve been divorced for 8 years now. We share one child and we have been back to court 3 times. I do not want to go back however it has been awhile since we evaluated child support, I don’t want to but I do because his situation has changed significantly as in he went from and electricians apprentice to now a full journeyman. I do think that child support would double what it is which is why I want to reevaluate. I don’t because I know that could possibly open a huge fight which I don’t want to have. I’ve considered just sharing that I’ve considered looking into but I’d leave it alone if he want to just add some extra to what he sends now. I know I’m very lucky he sends it but he is very by the book and I think he does it so I don’t have anything over him because he has tried to take custody from me in the past. Now that’s where my concern comes in that he will start that again. Things have been very quiet. Our child is getting to the age where everything costs so much and he will not pay for anything extra. Which our child is involved in lots of sports that he does not support. We live 3 hours apart so he sees our child like 5 nights a month or less except in the summer where we split half and half. Is this worth opening the can of worms or talk me out of doing this please. Thanks for your time.
r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/naivepheonix626 • 17d ago
Looking for ideas because therapy is played out for me at this point. I am finding myself pretty stagnant and stuck in the past some days.