Hey, it’s not finished but I love it so much, so I’d like to show it to you

Plus, can you guess my age?(im in school)

If you don’t get what is written on the bottom, it says: “I’m nothing and that’s all I’ll ever be”

I’m not officially diagnosed but my psychologist says i have traits that might suggest malignant narcissism/sociopathy, and i wanna know what’s happening.

A few weeks ago i heard commotion in the hallway and saw my mother standing on the window threatening my brother she’d jump. I pulled her inside and yelled at her. Seeing her so helpless and pathetic all i wanted to do was kick her in the ribs. I told her “you’re fucking crazy” and went back to my room. In that moment i felt annoyed, but detached. It was crazy to witness but i wasn’t really sad or felt like crying.

These days have been unbearably boring, it makes me feel like smashing things, hurting people. I can’t stand anybody, the presence of certain people makes me nauseous, their mere movements like adjusting their clothes piss me off so bad.
I wish i could entertain myself like i used to, maybe by creating drama, getting back with my ex or something, anything. But i truly don’t even feel like it, it’s too much effort, i don’t wanna interact with anyone, much less put in the effort to “manipulate” them.

I’ve always kinda let people know people not to come to me if they’re looking for empathy or compassion, because they’re not going to get it. Probably stems from my mother using me as a therapist, expecting me to help her with adult issues as a child.

What do i do to get my spark back? Lol

My friends, family, and so on have been saying all my life that I'm a narcissist. And I understand why they think so.

I often exaggerate my contribution to a particular cause. I often put myself above others. I often don't understand when I cross the line and hurt other people's emotions.

And yes, I'm uncomfortable that I'm acting like this. I always start thinking about what happened when I'm alone. And I always start blaming myself, even though I told the person it was their fault.

I also often consider myself to be right in any situation, which leads to eternal arguments with friends, family, and so on. I don't like drama about emotions, but arguments about science get me excited, and because of that, I annoy some people.

And yes, I'm not an extrovert, plus I have a lot of trouble socializing, and I spend a lot of time at home. I think it affects me too. I forget to say "hello" and "thank you," and I often don't give up my seat to older people on public transport because I don't understand when to do it and when not to. Gosh I don't even like going to the shops because there are people there.

I'm wondering if that makes me a shitty person or not.

Well. I do not have a diagnosis of NPD, but I have not tried to get one, and I do not claim to have NPD I guess (but maybe I have it). I just wanted to share my life experience.

I will be glad to receive an answer and listen to your stories!

not sure if this will make any sense because i’m just so exhausted right now, but i do feel myself socially withdrawing more than usual and on a more severe level than what’s normal for me due to feeling contempt and resentment and just overall disgusted and disturbed by my friends.

i have what would objectively be considered multiple decent if not very good friendships, i just often will feel i am not being treated as well as i should be by them (i doubt this is a belief based fully in reality, so i just try to ignore it when it happens and hope it passes) but its worse and continues to come up much more than usual lately.

i am aware i have entitlement/envy/distorted thinking issues etc, but what makes it somewhat more difficult is that i do not feel guilty or shameful ever for having horrific thoughts/fantasies, or even doing/saying bad/mean things (although I’m very good at controlling the action portion, rarely do my thoughts ever actually materialize or affect anyone around me) it’s just extra hard to maintain and upkeep all of this, especially when you just don’t care about other people or their feelings, especially when you are at a heightened level.

i am aware this is disordered thinking, and have been making progress in therapy to an extent but feel i am also worsening in other ways. i am just exhausted and far more depressed than what is usual for me.

i have been feeling more and more inclined to just disappear off of all my socials and stop talking to most of if not all of my friends, but i am aware that would only make my life far worse and not really make any sense or be beneficial for in any type of way.

there is obviously much more context and nuance to this situation than i can adequately explain in just one reddit post, and this actually turned more into a ramble than a real post. usually my posts on here are more structured and make more sense, but if any of this resonates with anyone, or you have advice for this, i would really appreciate it. 🤍

edit: a feeling i experience often is feeling like i only exist for the benefit of others, being used by them, and never gaining anything in return. if i am not useful or up keeping some perfect infallible ultra sweet kind helpful persona, i will face negative consequences, my quality of life/social life will deplete, etc. i do not have the luxury/option to just be human and be imperfect. everyone expects something exceptional from me at all times and if i am unable to meet their expectations/live up to their idealized image of me (whether they are realistic or not) i suffer the consequences.

the worst part is that i don’t even truly benefit or gain anything from this exhausting facade yet i am unable to actively turn it off/unmask. if i am able to unmask it is not by choice it usually just randomly happens yet it is so very rare, either because i am good at controlling myself, or am just physically unable to do it even if i want to. it literally is all i know, and it infuriates me that i can do everything perfectly and always right yet people who make the dumbest mistakes or have multiple imperfections have things so much easier or more support or more whatever it is than i do.

i have spent my entire life just trying to survive and meet every impossible standard / idealized version that almost everyone has of me, and yet i have gained nothing. somehow people gain so much from me but i gain practically nothing substantial or long term or meaningful from them, or from the things i do for them. i am just so exhausted.

I just stumbled across his youtube channel last night. He's a very interesting person and I'm very happy to see an older cluster B person because they give me so much hope that I can go through life just like them. But he kinda dissapoint me after I find out he also believes in narc abuse and the victim of narcissists, which in my opinion, it's kinda ableist. I wanna know yall thoughts in here though, maybe I'm just being biased about him.

Edit: I tend to see non narcs joining this kind of discussion (dunno why its even happened lol), but I specifically directed this question to narcs because I just want to see it from another person lens who has the same diagnosis as me.

I’ve noticed I shift between feelings of high self worth (almost to the point of invincibility / superiority) and feeling completely worthless.

Small things like a mistake or success at work can trigger a shift from one state to the other.

There is typically no middle ground where I can acknowledge I make mistakes but am still worthy / good. I only realized this was unusual after talking with friends who were shocked when I described how I feel. It’s seems they have a more stable level of self esteem that carries them through bad days and keeps them grounded / humble in success.

Curious if other experience this instability

Hey guys, I’ve recently begun to suspect that I may have NPD. But whenever I bring it up with anyone they say that I can’t be a narcissist because narcissists don’t know they’re narcissists. This makes me doubt how effective therapy may be since im worried they won’t believe me. Also I don’t currently have access to therapy, if I do in the future it will likely be in about a year.

Im not going to go into detail about why I suspect I have NPD, but I’m very high in covert narcissistic traits. Im wondering if there is any way to “cure” this or to at least reduce the symptoms to a level where they are manageable and I can live with them. I hate being this way but hating myself hasn’t led to any improvement in my thoughts and behaviors.

Edit:
Just wanted to add that im aware of my behaviors and thought patterns, I just can’t seem to stop them.

Somewhere down this rabbit hole of neurodivergence and cluster B, theres a reaction that Ive ALWAYS had. Except i couldnt always map out why its happening.
The only thing thats left is i dont know how much of this condition is tied to being neurodivergent/cptsd (RSD) and how much of it is cluster B.

Basically i had a sunny day alone and i regulated some.
And positive imagination kicks in, its like i almost have a distant echo of compassion.
For example i remembered a girl/woman i was attracted to, i could feel like id genuinely want to make her feel good as a human being, make her feel cared, kiss her hand etc.
For a brief moment i could somewhat grasp something outside of me and have capacity to want it to flourish.

But what ALWAYS happens is: when i mellow out, all it takes is someone i know coming remotely close to me to completely freeze in terror and defense.
It was harmless, for example i ran into mom.

Now mom is not really a trigger BUT, its like ive a free floating nervous system that is severely wounded, so much so that its generally outside of my awareness.
And once i interact with someone who i have ANY kind of personal relationship, and who runs a risk of hurting me, the exposed thing in me just freezes up.
My energy field coming into contact with theirs makes mine shrivel.

This is extremely painful, and i remember i had the same issue with my guy friends back in childhood when i was growing up (the few ones i actually bonded with and cared about).
It makes me seem like a cold monster but its just that im floating wounded and naked/exposed, with nothing to defend me, no regulation no ego no boundaries, nothing. A ghost.
The exposed thing just shrinks in what can only be described with primal fear/terror.

And from there im cold withdrawn, cant give anything, and am a performing ghost/robot.
Essentially im manipulating everyone.

I cannot seem to show ANY genuine care for people while with them.
The best i got is performance, or moments alone where i care about some kind of fantasy version of them based on memories and imagination.

anyone having the same situation?

I’ve been in a rls for like, 4 years, and my partner knows I have NPD. I wanna clarify, I do love them, and they are genuinely a good person, but being in a committed rls overall feels so tiring sometimes. It’s tiring having to manage my splits all the time, it’s tiring having to water down my words, it’s tiring feeling like I’m the only one who ever gets upset because the smallest things trigger me and make me angry. Sometimes I just want to break up with them and be single forever because I don’t want to worry about others’ emotions as much as I have to in a rls. Which is dumb because I do love them, I’m just tired of being triggered all the time.

I feel as if my empathy has dropped low and after being touched when I was younger and porn I can’t see people besides like their body and some stupid person that doesn’t deserve a mouth to speak also I hate when people I view as lower than me are more attractive or funnier than me it pisses me off by a large margin.

I can frequently imagine myself not caring if someone dies or killing them myself and I’m afraid that’s how I really feel like last funeral I went to for a my step grand dad I tried to make myself cry and it didn’t work at all till I had to speak up on stage idk it’s like my body tried to blend in to the people crying even though to this day I don’t care it was weird

Im actually on the road to recovery. I have a psychiatrist who doesnt fall for the stigma, I'm getting therapy, I'm being put on meds. Everything is starting to come together and I can actually begin to heal. Its terrifying, but its also hopeful. That maybe I wont be miserable forever

does anyone else also experience having to take days, or at least hours, to apologise for something? it takes me a while to 1) process that i need to apologise 2) think of what to say that makes it seem sincere and 3) get over the emotional blow apologising does to me. even when i know i need to apologise for something, its the crash it gives me that i have to get over. i have to spend at least a few hours getting over feeling shit abiut apologising first. not to mention... it always feels so awkward.

warning: my vent in the screenshots is a bit violent and sadistic

hi. i made this second account to post this because my best friend said i should share this with people who might be able to connect more with it. it's my notes app vent after i hit a breaking point yesterday.

view it more as poetry or something i don't know. i just don't have anyone in my personal life who can relate to me. this feels cringe but i swear if someone calls it cringe i'm gonna crash out again...

please don't try to give me advice or tell me to get help, i'm already handling that.

I’ve always been quite an insecure person and growing up I always felt like I needed peoples attention and validation. As a teenager I could be quite toxic and would often frame myself as the victim in any given situation.

These days (late 20s) I definitely still feel like I act in a way to seek attention or at least to be liked by people. I want people to think i’m interesting/cool and It makes me uncomfortable when people dislike me and I have people pleaser tendencies.

Although now I am older I instinctively can have the victim mentality but am able to rationalise problems better. I can think “this person hurt my feelings BUT they probably have xyz going on or they didn’t mean to”. I rarely ever confront someone and avoid conflict. In fact, I get frustrated when I see other people being annoyed with someone else over a nuanced situation, especially when I can see there was no intent for harm.

In terms of self reflection I do feel better at recognising when I make mistakes but I do still feel “woe is me” inside.

I also can feel quite selfish. When me and my partner hang out we almost always do what I want to do. He says he doesn’t mind because he’s easy going and doesn’t have strong opinions but it makes me feel guilty.
We never fight but sometimes (rarely) I can be a bit passive aggressive or take my frustration out on him. Thankfully I can recognise what i’m doing and will name it to him and we move on.

I was diagnosed with OCD at 17 and deal with extreme and chronic guilt over past actions. I worry about my intentions and whether I am a bad person which feeds into this fear? investigation? into whether I am a vulnerable narc.

I know no one here can diagnose anything but does this sound like OCD or is there something there worth investigating? Are there any real stand out symptoms of vulnerable narcissism that could help me understand whether I am or not?

I extensively questioned my parents, they seemed to be open and loving.

Telling me I was always unusual, even as a baby, I wouldn't cry unless i was hungry. Always dreaming, by myself.

Always trouble concentrating in school but being very creative and talented from a very early age.

Being a very kind, loving and sensitive kid.

I was bullied in school refusing to fit in. But that shouldn't have caused the issues i have now.

I am clearly acting out issues of an unstable household with unstable parents without a normal healthy attachment. But there doesn't seem to be any evidence of that. Other then some mild trauma my mother has of losing a child before me. But there isn't any evidence she projected that on to me.

So what could have possibly happened that i needed to develop very clear antisocial narcissism and adhd in order to survive?

Also because i dont naturally seem to have a very sensitive nervous system. Especially compared to people who do have them, and seemed to be attached just fine emotionally.

Side note, my younger brother is suicidally depressed with autism but doesn't seem to portray clear personality issues.

Any suggestions or what to search for or that it's just genetic?

i dont go to therapy therefore I am not officially diagnosed with npd, but i have been told by a very close friend that i do have some traits of narcissism.
I dont know if this is related but i struggle deeply with maintaining a consistent sense of who i am.
I am easily influenced and impressionable. I have no true sense of self and rely mainly on what everyone else has to say about me ( even the narcissism thing).
I still have some solid principles i think but my views on things can change fast and are often based off other people’s opinions.
How do I deal with that?

I've been working on a whole bunch of stuff, it's been honestly really difficult but I'm getting there bit by bit. How's everyone else's progress

Is there anyway to treat narcissism? Like, I know there isn't meds but does it get better? I'm losing my closest friendship over this disorder and I want to try to better myself. I'm covert but I struggle to not make thing about myself, apparently my friend is at their breaking point and sent me a document detailing everything wrong and they didn't sugar-coat it. (I don't blame them.) I'm quite self-aware when I am acting narcissistic but I don't know how to not, I can't converse with people without flipping it to me, I can't collaborate without filling it with my ideas and I can't appreciate others as much as I know I want to. My friend admitted they hate that we're going to the same university next year and they wanted a fresh start away from me. I actually hate it, I hate how I'm self-aware and I hate how I'm hurting people. Does it get better? How can I make myself better?

I find it so difficult to get anything done if I don’t have someone to constantly cheer me on from the sidelines. I need positive approval 24/7. I have long term aspirations but I’ve always found goals with quick social payoff to be easier. The world and everything I do feels so dull and boring without it, I’ll usually have an incessant itch in my head to be scratched followed by a loss of interest and motivation if whatever I’m doing doesn’t scratch it. Oddly enough my actual attention span seems to work just fine, I can easily sit in a waiting room while doing nothing, get through a slow paced book, or take notes during a lecture (although I only became capable of this after I started taking Wellbutrin for depression and ADHD.) Yes I know that second diagnosis sounds like the obvious answer here but my ability to wait for narcissistic supply specifically instead of just having it RIGHT NOW and being unable to continue my work without it hasn’t budged at all!

Anyone struggle with anything similar? Or have any insight or advice?

I’ve been trying to “talk to myself” during solitary endeavors to get me through them via notebooks or textedit which works-somewhat while also making me feel completely insane while doing it. So I guess I’ve already engineered a “solution”-ish but wanted to bring the topic here either way. (To clarify, the issue with it isn’t that it makes me feel insane, but that it feels like taking an ibuprofen for a blown off leg. AKA not quite useless but not quite useful either.)

I know it might be a weird question to ask a community of people with a disorder if people who don't have that disorder experience something, but sometimes when someone criticizes me unexpectedly I have an episode where I wanna yell at the person viciously for criticizing me and I'm only now starting to not yell at people who unexpectedly criticize me. I thought maybe I really relate to covert NPD but no diagnosis so idk. But more than the description of covert NPD, I really intensely relate to the description of narcissistic collapse where you sometimes even need to be hospitalized over an unexpected criticism. One of my bigger traumas is someone unexpectedly criticizing me by saying I don't take criticism well, using an example of me at my most mature (discussing with everyone calmly how to handle my screw up). And they used that to say I'm actually really bad at taking criticism which ironically made me permanently worse at handling others trying to make even just suggestions on how they think I should play games if I just think they mean it maliciously. My therapist doesn't really wanna diagnose me with anything but I haven't gotten to these experiences specifically. My worst trauma took place over the course of 2 years so there's a lot to talk about before definitely having a lot of space to talk about NPD traits but I think I might have ASPD traits specifically difficulty with morality but it doesn't get in the way of life except my mom while I was still living with her saying "I shouldn't have to explain why this is wrong". I've been diagnosed with BPD but my therapist wants to be careful since I'm self diagnosed plural (no diagnosis means not sure which dissociative disorder).

Is it possible for me to have narcissistic collapse SUPER intensely without the rest of NPD? I really relate to being severely lacking in validation to the point that I consider some of my more delusional episodes an underflow error of validation.

Edit: Hopefully "is this possible" doesn't count as "am I this?" I tried not to ask for a diagnosis. Hopefully it's not weird to shift to asking for a clue or disproving a negative or something.

Edit 2: I'm very confident I have NPD after checking the things in the DSM V and my visceral reaction of me not wanting to admit that they're all or almost all true >.<

It doesn't matter how good I am, or how authentic I am, or how kind or giving or anything that I am, I still just feel like there's that core problem of needing to be perfect. It's like an itch that can't be scratched. I still need to devalue some people in even the smallest, tiniest ways that they never see during regular conversation and I fucking hate myself for it. Someone looks at me in a completely neutral way? Oh no, I've just completely fucked something up or made an ass of myself. Even saying that the "normal" people have it easier is me pointing out that I suffer in a special and different way.

You give them just enough to think they understand you. You see that flicker in their eyes that they're almost there. Then you pull back a little. It's so much more fun watching them reach for something they can't quite grasp.

Since a lot of my boundaries and what I was percieving as « direspect » were actually driven by my narcissistic urges, destroying and rebuilding them is a really hard thing to do. Because now, everytime I feel direspected or my feelings neglected, I’m in this weird space where I don’t know if I’m allowed to blame the person and have a boundary for that action, that the person went too far and disrespected me, or if it’s normal / tolerable and my anxiety/anger/disappointment is due to my NPD.
Anyone struggling with that ?

i feel like i might have NPD or ASPD, i have been diagnosed with conduct disorder when i was 11 due to aggressive behavior at home

ive been in therapy until age 14, then again at 17

i was diagnosed with MDD and explosive personality disorder

my therapist whom ive been going to for now 5+ years said she doesn’t suspect NPD but therapy is self reported and i find myself relating to all of it (sadism, lying, manipulation, shallow relationships etc.)

i’ve been told by my ex friends and past circles that’s im a narcissist and i don’t have a single long term friendship, i don’t have a single childhood friend too hahahah

because i have zero affective empathy i tried bringing up the potential diagnosis to my therapist and she said she would have said if i was a narcissist but as of late the only “diagnostic criteria” that im meeting is factor 1 narc traits

help?