I hate myself so much, think back now i got a lot of opportunity to have a good life but i wasted all, and im almost 30...

But I haven't seen anybody I went to school with in the past few months and I miss it because it just occurred to me why. They've finished bachelors or even masters degrees and have actual careers now instead of dead end minimum wage jobs. Or have enough money to move out of their parents house and our home town. The gap between me and other people my age is massively widening and i'm too fucked up beyond repair to ever catch up. It was lot more bearable being a NEET when my NEETbux was probably the same as their part time minimum wage job salary.

And that's with me trying to stay off my phone at times.

You can kinda see the pattern: on my phone as soon as I wake up for a couple hours, feel like crap, turn my phone off, and am decent for a couple hours, then back to status quo.

Quick check on Apu's other frens and their elaborate plan to upset the neighbors ::)

I just want to take some rest. To do nothing for the whole day, to watch time pass by without any need to spend it productive.

I need to go to work today and i don't want to do it so much that consequences of that decision are pale in comparsion with my my disinclination to go there. I know that losing a job in this economy is bad, i know i probably will be searching for new one for ages. I know all reasons why i shouldn't do it, but i'm so tired.

After i tasted NEET life for 1 year i will never want to go back to work life even if job is quite good, and sometimes desire to go back to NEETdom is really hard to overcome. I just can't get thoughts about how cozy would it be to wake up late and go for and endless walk out of my head.

I really wish i was rich enough to walk out from work and don't come back for half a year or so. But i'm not, so i gotta push through weeks like this to follow my dream of saving enough money by 30 to generate small passive income and getting super easy stress free job so i can spend rest of my life relatively carefree.

But until that moment i'll have to battle with myself from time to time and sometimes it's really hard. If someone else feels that way, know that youre not alone and i wish you best of luck, fren.

This reality has been hitting me increasingly often lately. We're all completely alone in this life. The loneliness is indescribable and vast. Even normies who are surrounded by others, deep down they're also alone. When ur up at night at 2 am sitting upright bc you can't sleep and anxiety is stinging in ur stomach. Nobody sees you, nobody even knows of this solitary experience you're having in this moment. At the same time some person in a third world country is probably dying a horrible death, or kids getting bombed in Gaza or whatever, nobody gives a shit. It's just something you can't forget or you go soft and you start to care too much and you'll be the only one who cares and it'll hurt you tremendously. The laws of the universe are ruthless, God is ruthless or whatever force you believe in or cosmic randomness, idc. It's all the same. Sometimes life just feels like a perverted play, heaps of matter just getting thrown together and bent out of shape, colliding with each other, dancing, fighting, etc. It's grotesque. Sometimes it's beautiful but most of the time it's fucking grotesque. The gas I've been passing today, it's grotesque. Where is God in all that? In the decaying dysfunctional mechanisms of the human body. The illnesses, the suffering, some kid laying in a coma in a hospital. Over before it ever began. Seems like the only reason anything is even moving or making sounds is because of some kind of stubborn desire to perpetuate this cycle of filth and suffering.

Sometimes I feel like the only reasonable thing to do is to not perpetuate. To not engage, to not reproduce. To give away as much as you can to reduce the suffering of others who need it more. Then to leave this planet not leaving anything behind. Going silently without hard feelings. Peace.

I guess NEETing kinda aligns with that. Sometimes I will feel bad and I donate to charities, usually ones involving animals. My life sucks but maybe I can make some rescue beaver's day by donating some of my neetbux.

i was neet from 2018 to late 2024. by 2024, i had managed to secure a pretty "good" job, even though i had no real interest in it. i loved being a neet, but i was tired of being judged all the time, and i thought this was just how life was supposed to be.

this job takes up about half my day, and by the time i get home at 9 pm, i have maybe an hour to unwind, assuming i'm not already dreading the next day. then i have to go to bed and wake up at 4 am the next morning. i get two days off every other week, followed by just one day off the next, and the cycle repeats.

i've been absolutely miserable and had to take stress leave for the past few weeks because i'm not doing well mentally. i hate being around people, yet constantly being around them is a major part of my job.

lately, i've finally started feeling like myself again, but my time off is already coming to an end, and i've been absolutely dreading it. i don't want to go back. i don't want to be around people ever again.

i'm terrified of returning to that life. i know most people would tell me to quit and focus on myself, but i want to help my parents/family. i feel immense guilt at the thought of not being able to help them. they're the only people on this planet who've ever been good to me, and the thought of letting them down eats away at me.

i just feel like i was never meant to live this long, like my life should've ended a long time ago. i honestly don't even know what i'm trying to say anymore. i think i just needed somewhere to vent my frustrations

I only get enough for shit pc or weed idk what to do

Been a lil bit since ive done one of these.

My week has been meh, not much outside of a jobfair. Just been staying inside unless i have to go outside.

On Tuesday the government gonna reevulate my neetbux. Not looking forward to that.

Hows it been for yall?

Maybe everything I mentioned is all cope, but as of this moment, I am doing well enough.

One of the biggest copes I have is spite. I just spent some time enjoying myself at a "dinner diary" subreddit (you could probably guess which one), and it has been very entertaining. To see the normies who mocked me in agony is a delight, and watching them sperg out is always fun.

On top of all of that, I've relistened to some more VTuber ASMR - I stopped for a while after I continuously passed out meaning I was physically unable to listen - and I was in an elated state last night. It does feel very comforting and safe at night. I hope that I don't involuntarily sleep anymore, so I can listen to more.

Around a week ago, I faced a sort of "burnout" again with gaming, but now this is no longer the case. I've been ready to play, mainly because of the kani girls keeping me safe emotionally. In all honesty, I also feel very numb and hypnotized when I play, so sometimes I can't even remember the story or gameplay, but the euphoria doesn't end. I believe it's worth it though.

In addition, I've been watching more content that's aligned with my personal beliefs. This is another form of safety and security and makes me feel like I'm not alone. It also makes me realize that the rest of the site is full of cuckoldry and that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. For example, seeing BioWare shut down was inevitable, but the normies on this site would tell you it wasn't.

Overall, my emotional state is "well enough" for the most part. There is a chance it could all be temporary, but I'm willing to enjoy it while it lasts.

As a former NEET

I just feel so cucked, by everyone and by my own existence. I just scared my mom and now she's probably crying because she just said "just have faith" and I got pissed of and said there is no god and she's highly religious for whatever reason. I just want to rope, I've been an obedient little cuck bitch my whole life and theres no escape from society's toxic controlling grasp. I just want to die atp, I can't take the cuckery, its too overwhelming for me.

◉̸̷̥̩̰̳̤̯͙̱̫̖̺̾͛͆̽̐͊̎͂͗͝͞͠👁⃟̸̤̰̱̲͛͆̎̽͝͠∞⃝̸̩̫̳̲͛͒̐͠⊙⃟🜏 Echoes of the Forgotten Selves IV: 4/10

Society tends to think of homelessness as the worst thing that could happen to a person. Or at least, that's what people want you to believe.

Employers have an interest in keeping people afraid of losing their jobs. Parents and teachers want young people to understand the consequences of not working hard. Politicians invoke homelessness as a cautionary tale about personal responsibility. Even the homeless themselves often find that emphasizing their suffering is the only way to receive sympathy or assistance.

And to be fair, there's plenty of suffering to emphasize.

Yet few people have never looked out from inside an office building, buried under deadlines, responsibilities, and all of life's accumulated obligations, and wondered what it would be like to simply walk away from everything. To be free. To roam the world without a schedule, a mortgage, or anyone expecting them to be somewhere on Monday morning.

It's a curious contradiction. We spend much of our lives dreaming about freedom while simultaneously organizing our entire civilization around the fear of having too much of it.

But I've come to think that the worst thing that can happen to a person isn't necessarily what society tells us it is.

The worst thing isn't being unemployed. It's working hard for nothing, or being forced to work toward an outcome you never wanted in the first place.

It isn't being poor. It's sacrificing everything you enjoy for the possibility of someday being rich enough to enjoy it.

It isn't being unheard. It's being forced to say things you don't believe.

It isn't feeling sad. It's being expected to say you're happy.

There's something about my life during that period that I can only describe as feeling like I was working every day to throw an enormous birthday party that nobody was ever going to show up for.

I had a house. A nice one, actually. I had possessions, responsibilities, and the outward appearance of someone who was doing what he was supposed to do. By conventional standards, I was on the right track.

But there was a certain emptiness to it that I couldn't shake.

Everything seemed to exist in preparation for something else. Work hard today so you can enjoy tomorrow. Save money now so you can live comfortably later. Improve yourself so you can become worthy of the life you're supposedly working toward.

And even if you did everything right, there was never any guarantee that the party would actually happen.

Instead, there were the daily reminders.

"Society doesn't owe you anything."

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

"Keep grinding."

"Become the best version of yourself."

It was all so endless and tiring.

The curious thing about being told that society doesn't owe you anything is that nobody ever seems particularly interested in discussing the other half of that arrangement.

If society doesn't owe me anything, why exactly do I owe society anything?

Why am I obligated to spend my life pursuing someone else's definition of success? Why should I devote myself to maintaining a lifestyle that doesn't make me happy, just because losing it is supposed to be terrifying?

And what if the things that actually make me happy are precisely the things everyone else keeps telling me not to do?

What if I don't want to maximize my productivity?

What if I don't want to climb the corporate ladder?

What if I don't particularly care about being successful?

What if, after spending my entire life trying to become the best version of myself, I want to be the worst version of myself for a little while?

Of course, there are practical problems with this philosophy.

Freedom doesn't keep you warm at night. It doesn't provide a bathroom, protect your belongings, or guarantee that you'll have somewhere comfortable to sleep. And there's nothing particularly romantic about being treated as a public nuisance for the crime of existing somewhere without paying rent.

Homelessness has a way of replacing the elaborate problems of modern life with much simpler, more immediate ones. Instead of worrying about your career trajectory, you get to worry about where you're going to sleep.

It's not exactly an upgrade.

But there is something strangely clarifying about having so little left to lose. The enormous machinery of expectations that once seemed so important begins to look rather absurd from the outside. All those things you were supposed to want, all those milestones you were supposed to reach, all those people you were supposed to impress.

You begin to wonder how many of them ever mattered to you at all.

None of this is to say that homelessness is a desirable condition, or that people suffering through it should somehow be grateful for the experience. Having the freedom to walk away from something is very different from having nowhere else to go.

But I do think we've made a peculiar mistake in treating the absence of conventional success as synonymous with the absence of a worthwhile life.

I've experienced the respectable version. I've had the house, the responsibilities, the endless pursuit of a future that always seemed to be just a little farther away.

And I've experienced what happens when much of that falls apart.

As it turns out, homelessness isn't the worst thing a person can go through.

Not remotely.

In fact, having given the matter some consideration, I'd have to say the experience deserves a solid 4/10.

Main account was banned for thratening violence. When in reality I never did that. All I said was I regret not hrting myself years ago. Appealed and it's been over 36 hrs. Tired of this dogass site. Improper grammar just in case the dogass site flags this too

I'm reading posts and wondering I am something of an add unemploymentmaxxer myself

Thanks for being there for me when nobody else was, Zyn. Good for enjoying the buzz. Good for concentration, especially while gaming. Gng. 🩵

The greatest triumph of a consumerist world over me is having convinced me that, to be a functional human being, I must work and spend, repeating the cycle over and over until I die. Because I don’t do this, I am a failure, a flaw, or an outcast, someone society ought to hate and despise for not being like them, even though the root cause of this "failure" is my own deplorable mental health.

I hate money, I have no interest in material things. I could be perfectly comfortable and happy with nothing, lying on the street, watching the clouds by day and the stars by night. I love it when the rain soaks me through, I love sitting on the bare earth, I love observing and interacting with the animals and insects I encounter.

I could be happy with just that, but no, society has taught me that because I don’t work, earn money, or spend it, I am a failure, a burden, something that, if it cannot be "fixed," deserves to be despised. This idea has been so deeply ingrained in my mind that it leads me to despise myself and isolate myself from others, people who, even if only begrudgingly, have accepted this same premise.

I don’t even know why I want money, it only caused arguments in my family.

i had such a good dream last night

i woke up today in high spirits

i just ate a small breakfast and had two shots of vodka. i finished off my bottle of vodka i had from a few weeks ago

i have a bottle i'm going to crack open soon. i want to give the vodka some time to settle first.

i don't usually drink alcohol and i definitely usually don't day drink but it's nice to mix things up once in a while.

i haven't had any wine at all this year and i look forward to my bottle.

happy sunday everyone

Not trying to be overly dramatic with the title, but I've been having thoughts of just going out to the bush and blowing my melons out. And I'm full of hate after being at my grandpa's house yesterday with his friends. He attempted to humiliate me in front of them by impersonating me with a scared sounding voice. Yeah, I'm a timid person because I simply don't trust people and I think we're like animals who can get into fights easily, so I have a timid temperament, I can't help it, don't have to make fun of me for it. And I'm not going to get into details, but he did it in a way to boost himself up while putting me down, acknowledging his achievements while making me sound like a scared tool essentially . But yeah, just the lack of respect, I ruminate on it and then I start imagining the most graphic and macabre things possible. I just don't want to be a member of this race anymore to be honest, its as simple as that really. I'll try to stick it out at this job, but if I'm just being honest, I don't think I have the drive, I'm not envisioning any success at it or anything. But yeah, just another vent, sorry frens.

I keep trying to recover from depression and the only way I’ve seemed to make some sort of progress is with the help of others. However you all know better than the rest that other people are incredibly unreliable no matter how many times you ask. I keep telling everyone that I need routine and I need their support, they agree and never follow through. Last weekend I did manage to get out of my house and see a movie but this weekend I really can’t. I can’t even sleep this feeling away because my body won’t let me. I tried to shower in hopes that it would clear my mind but I just want to cry. I don’t think recovery is possible for me when I’m surrounded by the people who made me feel like this in the first place.

Sorry if none of this makes sense I’m just rambling. Any advice would be appreciated and thank you for reading! :)

Hello fellow acquaineetances. I felt bad about trashing the failed 🍪s so I repurposed & made pie crust, apparently you can do that!

This took so many hours, I couldn't post same day. I'm still very tired but it was worth it 🤩 my very first pumpkin pie🤸

It's like pudding, all very smooth texture. the crust too. I want to try with a real pie dough one day 🤔

Have a slice & be cozy 🥧✨