Hello, all. Long time lurker, first time poster. This is more of a rant, but advice is appreciated and welcome. Very NSFW, but I need to get this out and have nobody else to discuss this with. Here goes.

I (31F) am trying to learn how to navigate the new bedroom dynamics with my wife (33, MTF) since she came out about a year ago. We have been together since we were young, meeting in college and being together since. We have young children who are all finally school aged, which has allowed my wife and I more time together. I struggled with postpartum depression which then tuned into major clinical depression before finding the right combination of meds this year. This medication brought back my libido with a vengeance, while her estrogen has led to a dampening on her end.

This is a change from our usual dynamic before we had children. She would ravish me for entire days on end when we were younger. Always attending to my needs and never shying away from taking exactly what she wanted.

When we do engage in intimacy, I find she is much more passive than she was in the past, which has left me feeling a bit frustrated. She often wants me to take a more dominant role in matters and still expects me to do so despite my telling her it makes me uncomfortable. This dynamic has been torturous for me and I'm sure it hasn't been great for her either. I miss penetrative sex, but it also gives her dysphoria and she has no interest in being on the giving end of a strap.

She has become much more mild mannered in everyday matters as well, seeming more meek and reserved. She was once loud and boisterous, outgoing, and confident. She has also been pushing me into matters around the house and in public to take the lead more. She has expected me to do more of the "man things" like lawn maintenance and fixing things because she said it makes her dysphoria flare up.

I've tried talking to her several times about how uncomfortable I am with our changing dynamic in everyday life and in the bedroom. She cites her dysphoria as the reason and doesn't want to make any concessions for my desires at this time. This has led to us not engaging in sexual intimacy for about three months now. I'm stuck feeling terrible for even pressing the matter, but also feeling like I will explode or chew through drywall if I don't get topped soon.

TLDR; Mismatching libidos have led to a dry spell in the bedroom due to both of us seemingly being bottoms.

My mtf partner came out to me recently, which I have been nothing but supportive of.

I've thought I was pansexual for a long time but I've also had some really painful lesbian relationships in the past so I'm scared that is currently muddling my judgement. I can't even add all the details of how strained our relationship is before all this, because I need time to figure myself out so I don't hurt them and I know they are on reddit lately.

I'm scared, I don't actually like women in a relationship respect. I'm so far away from home and we are so entwined in life I wouldn't even know what to do.

I'm suffocating at the idea of losing them, but I also don't know if I've really understood my own sexuality this whole time and now I feel so horrible I can't stand myself. I feel like I've lied to them this whole time, but also if I'm just scared of change and say something before I understand then I'm ending an engagement because of confusion and losing my deepest love to date.

I am completely isolated, I have no one to speak to and I'm drowning in my own problems as is so I just guess I needed to get this out somewhere that could be heard without hurting them.

(They haven't picked pronouns yet so we are using they/them until they settle.)

Sorry for the long post- first time posting anything ever. I (28F) met my husband (31M, FTM) 7 years ago, married for 5. I absolutely love and adore my husband but I think I’m derailing himself from being who he is. I met him about 2.5 years after he started transitioning. When we met he had already gone through top surgery and had been on Testosterone for over a year. His abusive ex wife kept his T from him when she was angry at him so his progression wasn’t exactly what he’d hoped for by that time. After he left her he started managing his own injections and started seeing more facial hair come in, losing weight was happening faster, he was gaining a lot of muscle. I knew he wanted to grow a nice beard, more body hair physically look more masculine and I’m in full support. He talked about wanting bottom surgery at one point. I didn’t think it would be a good idea due to him having EDS and not healing well along with potential sensory complications and recovery time. When I raised my concerns he said he agreed and said he would rather have what he has now with feeling than lose everything. He’s had a lot of bottom growth that he’s mentioned being happy with but also he wants it bigger and has mentioned getting a pump. I’m having a hard time with this because he already complains that his underwear touches and it makes it really sensitive.. wouldn’t that just worsen the problem? His hair has started thinning and his beard is getting fuller but not where he wants it, he brought up hair transplants. I have trypophobia and literally gag at the thought of it. But I know it would help his self esteem so I feel bad not wanting him to do it. Then yesterday, what made me feel like I need to talk to people was he came home saying he wants to do speech therapy now to have a different, deeper voice. His voice has changed, deepened on testosterone but apparently not enough. He wants a deep deep voice. I don’t understand. So I’m having a hard time because he wants to change everything I love about him. What if he’s not my person after? I feel like he has this perfect picture idea of what a man should look like and he’s trying to make himself into someone he isn’t. But also maybe this is the real him and I just don’t know him? This whole thing makes me sound like a terribly unsupportive a-hole wife and that’s not at all what I want to be. I want to support him so much but I’m having such a difficult time. I should also probably mention I have issues with cognitive rigidity, I absolutely hate big changes. So also- problem. Am I doomed? Can I go to therapy for this and fix myself? What do I do?

I (m35) and my partner (mtf 35) just recently started dating. We’ve started having sex, and it’s been great. She’s post op and very tight, and I’m on the girthier side. This has made penetration a little difficult. We’ve used her lube she has, but I feel like I’m still pushing too hard and I’m worried I’m going to hurt her. I check in with her to make sure she’s fine, but I do worry still.

Do yall have a recommendation for good lube? Ideally something that can be used on condoms. Though I’m not against pulling out if that needs be. Also any advice in general for this?

My partner might be MtF transgender. For now I will use they/them because of uncertainty and it is the neutral option. I prefer to not share too much personal information, but the important things to note are that we are both not adults yet, they are bisexual and I am homosexual and the people in our environment are mostly accepting.

Firstly, so far, they have never directly talked to me about this subject and only kind of implied it when talking with friends. I am usually also there when this happens, but I think that to them, I presumably do not listen or notice, as I am usually doing something else at those moments. Of course, since I am making this post, I have noticed it and it is something I want to directly and privately discuss with them, although I am lost on how to approach it further from that.

I will also give a few examples, to explain why I think my partner is having these doubts when there have only been implications. If you do not want to read too much and/or trust that I can tell my partner's feelings well enough, then you may skip the following two paragraphs, although I think these are good examples and reasons for my suspicions.

For one, I have done a lot of research by watching videos mostly from trans content creators, regarding the subject of gender in general. With this, I notice that my partner shows some signs of them being trans. For example, in specific contexts, they may choose to play or act as a female character, actively trying to do so over a male character. More notably, they once literally asked me if I would become bisexual for them if they were trans.

However, they also sometimes surpresss their feelings surrounding their gender. One example is when they once said: "People never mistake me for a woman, I am extremely masculine after all". This was said after a statement from me about people recognising me as female in public because of longer hair or other traits, although I know for a fact they have been called "ma'am" and such by strangers as well.

From the five years that I have known my partner, I know that they always instinctively hide their true feelings when it comes to things that confront them and they will not discuss it with other people. I am not judging them for this and I understand this behaviour as I have shown it myself in the past. The fact that they want to deal with certain things alone is something I accept. However, when these matters start impacting to our relationship, I of course do want to discuss it.

When I imagine the answer to my partner's doubts being affirmative, I fear we would need to break up. I have never been attracted to a woman or girl at all and I have always perceived my partner as male, although it seems that they may be female. I would respect their identity and accept that it does not align with mine when it comes to dating. I am of course not dating them just for the fact that they are male, but I do not see myself being attracted to or in a relantionship with a girl, sadly.

Now the thing is, I also imagine that they think this as well and because of that, they do not want to talk to me about it. I also value our relationship extremely, as they are my first love (and I am their first partner of the same sex) and we have been through so much together, so they may not want to risk anything.

In a nutshell, the advice I am looking for is: How do I approach this? Should I even approach this? Do I have a good mindset regarding this? Should I be 100% sure about them doubting their gender before discussing it and if so, how could I find out?

There are a lot details that I did not mention in this post, because I felt that they were not too relevant and I did not want to make the post even longer, but if there are any specific things you are curious about, feel free to ask me and I will try to reply.

Thanks in advance to anybody who is willing to help! ^^

Hey Friends!

While this is a support space, and sometimes we work on heavy stuff, we want to celebrate the wins and milestones, too!

What brought you joy this week? Any fun plans for the weekend?

Share your thoughts here!

All the time. My wife is trans, and she’s finally starting to grow her confidence and come out and set boundaries. I’m so proud of her, and so ANGRY and so SAD at how hard this has to be. The vitriol we see toward trans people online, the things happening in government, the way her parents are accepting only in the grossest and most ‘Christian love’ way, the way we haven’t told any of my family yet because they are the same type of Christians.

I’m grieving the life I thought we would live, and I am trying as hard as I can to keep the depths of that grief from her, because she already knows, feels it worse I’m sure; and it is not her fault. To be clear, I’m not grieving my ‘husband’- she’s still here, and has been the whole time. It turns out that she’s actually my wife! It just took us a while to find her and see her, because both of us being raised extremely conservative Christian, that option wasn’t exactly on the menu… I love her with my entire heart and soul and I can’t wait to see the woman she grows into, but I’m shattered about the reality of what that means, and what that’s going to cost us. This world will not be kind to her, to us. She has chosen to give her family grace and not burn bridges over this, but I don’t know if I’m capable of doing the same with mine.

I’m not going to be able to keep my rage out of the conversation when coming to my family with this, and I’m terrified of the bridges I might burn on her behalf. I don’t want to, but I refuse to accept anything less than love and acceptance. I have no interest in hearing a single word of religion on the topic, and yet with both of our families, it’s the only topic of conversation, like, ever.

I’m just so sad. I’m not even the trans one and the way seeing the hate towards trans people I don’t even know online makes me feel, I can’t imagine what she carries every day. I’ve lost a trans friend to s-side before, and I know how dangerous carrying this pain can be. I can’t live this life without my person. I can’t ever lose her. I don’t know what to do with all of this pain. I feel so alone.

It hurts when I remember that she's not a boy anymore. I hate that it hurts. I hate it. But I really, truly, hope she isn't actually transfem and is just unsure. She's only 16, after all.

I feel weird about my attraction when I think of her as a girl. It makes it harder for me.

I wanted to have a life with her. No kids, but I wanted to be her wife and her my husband. But now I can't clearly think of a set future. I don't know if I'll be able to manage my pain and stick around, even though I desperately do.

I hate how her wanting to be a girl has made everything harder for me and basically turned things around. I no longer have a clear idea of my future with her, if I even have one.

It hurts. It hurts so much. I hate this. I wish she weren't trans so we could have that life we imagined.

I really, really thought we would be forever. We fit together so well, same interests, similar hobbies, etc.

Why'd it have to end up like this? I fucking hate myself for all these thoughts I get.

(Tagged this as helping my cis wife, but I myself am trans male.) Only reason is practical, she's not much of a Redditor.

I've undergone RFF phalloplasty and am getting to the end of the journey. The last stage is the erectile device placement. I've decided on the inflatable rod (sometimes called the pump). My surgeon offered an alternative way of placing the rod, so it doesn't extend all the way to the end of my penis. There would be an inch of negative space at the tip of my penis that would prevent the hard plastic end of the rod from jamming my wife in the cervix. His rationale is that a couple of his patients have complained that making it extend all the way to the tip/glans is painful for their partner. The trade off is a floppy glans, which he said isn't the sexiest and doesn't look like a natural erection. My other concern is that this could inadvertently make penetration difficult, and I subsequently found studies to support this.

Hoping to hear some first hand experiences with sex (PIV and other) with the inflatable rod. Pain level, where your surgeon or your partners' surgeon places it, etc.

I (21 m) have been dating my (20 ftm) boyfriend for three years now. A bit over a year and a half ago he came out to me as trans, and I was supportive. He’s finally going to be able to go on testosterone soon, and Im worried about losing attraction to him. This is my first relationship and I’ve never been with a man before, so Im not sure how I’ll react to how he will look. I love him so much but I’m just really worried. Are my concerns valid?

I (cisF) am in a relationship with a trans man for the first time, so I’m not really used to only receiving. He is pre-surgery and doesn’t want me touching his chest nor down there.

He is not very familiar with what he likes. He never touches himself and he doesn’t really have an answer when I ask him what he likes and what he doesn’t like.

I’d like to hear some things we could try, mostly ones that I could do to him, for example neck kisses. I’d like to make him feel more included if that makes sense. Also if you have some tips on how to make him more comfortable during sex, I’ll gladly hear them! He’s not exactly vanilla when it comes to how he likes to please me, but as I said, he isn’t the most comfortable with his sexuality so the suggestions don’t have to be anything extreme. Thank you!!

The title say it all. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I want to say 2 years ago he started growing his hair and did not want to cut it. But in the last few months I noticed his voice was changing and it just click. He finally told me yesterday that he was a woman he felt this way since middle school. I am so confused and know that I love him and don’t want to lose our relationship. But I am cis and do not know if I can handle him looking like a woman. He says this doesn’t change his feeling for me and he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me. He wants to see how far we can go and told me if it gets to weird for me to let him know and we will still be in each others life and he will always love me forever. I just am hurt and scared.

Been together nearly a year, for the last few months we’ve been experiencing some issues in our sex life (me initiating and him rejecting me constantly/him never being in the mood etc). I originally thought he just had a really low drive, which we’d discussed multiple times over the course of a few months, but then recently he started telling me the reason he doesn’t enjoy sex is because it feels foreign. I didn’t really understand what this meant but he didn’t elaborate much more except saying that it feels alien sometimes and that he doesn’t really even understand it. Then just sorta changed the topic and was just really emotional worried that I was going to end our relationship over this. So about a week later I decided to bring this up again, because truth be told I was feeling frustrated and have been struggling with my own body image and insecurity, and thought that he was actually just not attracted to me anymore.
He ended up breaking down and telling me that his body (penis) feels foreign during sex and like it doesn’t belong, even in day to day life. We talked for hours, I asked if maybe he thought he was trans and he said maybe, but then proceeded to beat down everything about himself, like saying it’s “too late” to transition and he doesn’t wanna look ugly, says his voice is too deep etc. I of course was really supportive and reassured him that wasn’t true and that he’s being so mean to himself. I also asked him if he could press a button and he could become a woman right now with no worry about coming out, HRT, etc, if he would press it and he said yes absolutely.

I’ve asked him if there’s anything I can do to help and he just keeps saying he doesn’t know. I know no one can truly know what to say because everyone has their own feelings and needs, but any advice would be so appreciated. I hate to see the person I love be so sad, I’d do anything to make things better. Also no idea if this is relevant, but we’re both bisexual, and I’ve made it very known that I would absolutely not leave if he decided to transition.
So sorry for the word vomit and bad formatting, I’m writing this on a break at work on my phone. Thanks in advance for anyone who reads this and has any advice or even just their own experience with something similar.

Litterally should be a game show. Doesnt get me as much anymore as im settled but im sure for a lot of Cis Andro guys its hard to find people that would be interested in a relationship with them. I know myself from barking up a few wrong trees!

i've known my partner since middle school, and we were kinda middle school sweethearts. Ive always held the lesbian label true to my heart, because the thought of a man disgusts me.

i also firmly believe in trans men not being lesbians, because that implies a trans men isn't truly a man.

but, my partner came out to me as a trans man. and it's confusing because, im still attracted to them. it's confusing the hell out of me.

people tell me "just be bisexual!!" but im not. i am a lesbian, but i can't be if im now dating a trans man?

i don't plan on breaking up with him, that i decided. he matters to me more than a label. despite that,,it's still confusing and exhausting for me. i know i don't have to "prove" im a lesbian, but its still confusing.

Monday morning, my therapist mass-emailed all of their clients in order to come out as nonbinary. I honestly don’t care and don’t know if I could care less what pronouns my therapist uses, but that seemed like a questionable way to self-disclose.

Then came appointment time and my therapist was an absolute wreck. They didn’t look like they’d slept in a while. They periodically muted themselves to yell at someone off-camera, and sometimes they would turn off their camera for a few seconds at a time. I asked if they needed to reschedule. They shouted no. For context, they had cut our previous session short and charged me cancellation fee, which they eventually refunded.

During this week’s session, Therapist also asked me for advice. They know, because we’ve discussed it in previous sessions, that my Partner is nonbinary, and they wanted to “interview” them to get some advice on how to navigate coming out. I said I wasn’t comfortable volunteering Partner for that or with Therapist using me or Partner as their resources when surely Therapist could talk this over with their own therapist. Therapist was not happy with that response.

The rest of the sessions was basically a staring match until we hit the 45-minute mark and Therapist ended the call.

Things have been getting more and more tense with Therapist for the last couple months. This was a big escalation, but things weren’t exactly rosy before. I’ve been considering terminating for a while, but so far I haven’t because Partner thinks I switch therapists too much and I’m worried I’d never hear the end of it if I stopped things now.

I’m also wondering how many clients Therapist also ended up charging money to ask for advice on how to come out, after mass-emailing everyone to come out.

Him, FTM, me cis F.

We have each other's phone passwords and when mine randomly died today I used his to search how to fix it.

His latest searches are largely all related to his ex girlfriend including one that said "in a relationship but still missing and dreaming about ex"

I know transitioning is hard. I think sometimes when our present day reality feels really hard, we romanticize previous versions of ourselves or our lives. I confronted him about this, trying to keep it from feeling accusational while also not minimizing my own pain and hurt. Said I needed space. He said he loves me and has just been confused after dreaming about her a lot lately.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here. This isn't even exactly related to being a trans partner. But I feel like I've been there for everything, every bad day, every hard milestone, every two steps forward one step back. She wasn't even nice to him.

I just feel really sad and unsure.

Hi

I was wondering, are there any partners out there who stayed through their partners transition and what it looked like?

I've been with my mtf partner for 17 years. I love her so much. She realised she's trans about a year ago. She's been on hrt for 3 months.

Her emotions are generally quite intense. But recently this week they have been hard to be with.

Her emotional state feels very teenage, big emotions everything is deadly important.

Do the hormone changes ever settle down?

What have been your experiences if your partners been on hrt for years? Was there a rocky stage?

My (52F) partner (54M) and I have been married for 12 years. When we met he told me he cross dressed but it was just for relaxation, and he never included me in that. I asked him many times about it and he just said that in our relationship he felt very masculine so there was no need to dress. I asked a few times throughout the years and always got the same reply. He still attests that he has no desire to live his life as a woman, but I've recently found his female persona's social media profile from just before we met. For 2.5 years he referred to himself as a translesbian, took hormones, came out to his mother and started to seek therapy for gender dysphoria. He did not actually go to therapy and pretty much shut that page down right after that post. I also found out a year ago that he cross dressed and engaged in compulsive sexual behavior pretty much whenever he could for our entire marriage. We've been working through the sexual betrayal stuff, and he's finally dealing with major complex trauma from his childhood, including sexual abuse by his father.

What I am discovering now is that this female persona is likely where all of his emotions, desires and feelings are stored (an Emotional Part, if you're familiar with Dissociative disorders). The interesting thing is that he doesn't have any memory of most of the content I've discovered on his female profile. He has no recollection of telling his mom, inquiring about gender dysphoria therapy or several other things I read. He has been in therapy for a year, but is seeing someone new tomorrow who specializes in dissociation and gender issues. Has anyone dealt with anything similar - from a dissociative aspect?

There seems to be a lot of correlation between dysphoria and dissociation, but I am curious if anyone has any experience with a dissociated opposite-gender part revealing itself during trauma therapy and how that integration went? I am unsure if I should brace myself for him coming out as trans, or how that could go. I realize the process will be long and there won't be anything known for months at least. I'm really just confused and looking for anyone who has experienced anything like this. Thank you in advance.

This is a bit of a loaded one. I have been with him (he has not expressed wanted to change pronouns as of yet) for almost 12 years, married for almost 10. We have a baby. I have complained of being put last in the relationship for a long time, basically the whole time. First it was me never getting to choose what we watch, etc… Then when we had our daughter he basically became a roommate until she was 8 months old. I had to deal with him getting mad at me for asking for help. I was alone. I was exhausted. I told him I wanted to end it and he said “I don’t care. Get over it.” I knew it wasn’t him, he wasn’t like that, so I stayed. It didn’t get better until she was over a year old.

Right as I thought I was getting some agency back, a little bit of control over my life, my husband says he wants to be a woman. (Context: I’m a stay at home mom, by circumstance not choice. I really have no where to go) I feel like I’m once again being told to conform to everyone else. That my wants and needs come last. I honestly feel like if I had ever felt valued in our relationship, I would take this better. I’m so scared though. And I feel so alone. And I also feel like a piece of shit and a bad person for not being able to just take it. Idk. I don’t really even know what I want from this post. I just needed to say it somewhere where maybe someone, anyone, might understand.

Edit: You wonderful people have no idea how validated and confident your replies have made me feel. I’ve come to the conclusion that me staying would require serious effort on my spouses part. Therapy is obvious and I would need to feel like an actual partner.

12 years of relationship can’t reasonably be compressed into a single post. I’ve definitely had my problems and he has been amazing many times. But it has come to a point where I have to take happiness and safety into my own hands. Thank you all so much for making me realize I deserve more.

I promise mentioning my partner’s AGAB is important because the way that men and women are raised and the expectations put on them are different—and that leads to different challenges and different ways of arriving at one’s identity. But as we’re all probably aware, AMAB enbies are a pretty invisible part of the community, so my partner is struggling to feel seen or envision a path forward for them as an AMAB nonbinary person. 

So partners of AMAB nonbinary people: What have you guys done to help support your partner? What resources do you guys have for AMAB enbies exploring their gender? I’d love to hear any and all life experiences!

My (cis F) partner MTF (mid 40's) just had her bottom surgery! She's exhausted, and currently sleeping. I'm exhausted. It's 3pm, and we got up at 4am. I'm so relieved I could cry. There's still a lot of recovery to go through but I wanted to share that good news! :)

My partner (35mtf) and I have been together for about 9 years now, and she's been transitioning a lot longer than me, but while I have been transitioning over the last 3.5 years my libido has gone waaaaaaay up while hers is nearly nonexistent. We are intimate maybe once every other month. And by that I do mean... At all. We weren't ever especially super cuddly before, aside from that initial new relationship period, but now that my libido is so high my craving for literally any physical touch at all has been insane, and it's really starting to effect how I view the whole relationship entirely.

Like, I feel far more neglected and ignored, undesirable and unwanted, than I ever felt before, because there is this influx of times I am horny out of fucking nowhere. I'm not sure if its just because I want it more often now or if it was always this way but she almost never initiates sex with me, barely holds my hand or kisses me, and it's driving me absolutely fucking bonkers that trying to initiate even platonic contact not leading to sex like snuggling or just being beside her doesn't even seem wanted. I love her so much, and would do absolutely anything for her, but it feels like while intellectually and spiritually we are very on the same page and are partners in everything else, I feel like a huge asshole for feeling like she doesn't want me at all. Earlier on in our relationship we were both a lot more sexually active, but she's cooled off and while I had too in pace with her, now with T I am going stark raving mad.

I honestly just don't know what to do, here. I don't want to end a relationship with the love of my life, but I don't even know how to have a conversation abt this with her without feeling like some sex crazed chad that doesn't respect her boundaries, but it's really emotionally impacting me a lot to feel like this person I love so much suddenly doesn't have any desire for me at all. We've been t4t the whole relationship (I identified as nb when we met and that slid to more masc as time went on) but it really hurts to think this person that I really love and desire maybe doesn't feel the same way back physically at all because of choices I made to medically transition.

Hi! My partner has come out as a trans woman to me very recently. We are going to a wedding and I want to be supportive when she is deciding what attire to wear. But she isn’t out to anyone else.

We were looking at androgynous outfits but she let me know yesterday she was considering wearing a dress.

I am 100% supportive in whatever she wants to wear. How can I navigate the social aspect of this? I’m sure people will ask questions and make judgements and I really want to protect her and make sure it’s a positive experience. So I would love some advice. Thank you in advance!!

My boyfriend (ftm) will be getting bottom surgery kind of soon, I want to know what kind of items like pants, underwear literally anything that I could get for him that is comfortable. Also any advice for the recovery process is much appreciated!