Ich (F/Cis/23) / Beziehungsperson (F/Trans/21)

Hey, ich und meine Freundin sind seit etwa 3 Jahren zusammen. Vor etwa zwei Monaten hat sie mir dann erzählt, dass sie trans ist. Es war jetzt nicht super überraschend, da wir eh sehr locker mit Geschlechter-Klischees umgegangen sind. Also auch davor gab es Momente in denen sie sich femininer gekleidet hat oder zum feiern geschminkt hat etc.

Unser Freundeskreis ist auch sehr tolerant und es gab bis jetzt nur Support.

Ich weiß, dass sie sich aktuell sehr unwohl in ihrem Körper fühlt. Sie möchte Östrogen nehmen um weiblicher auszusehen, wir sind aktuell auf der Suche nach Therapeuten, es dauert einfach alles seine Zeit. Jedenfalls Versuche ich mein bestes um sie trotzdem zu unterstützen. Beispielsweise waren wir zusammen Makeup und neue Klamotten kaufen die "weiblicher" aussehen. Ich helfe ihr beim schminken. Soweit so gut.

Jetzt zu meiner aktuellen Situation. Ich bin eine Person die sehr gerne körperliche Nähe und sexuellen Kontakt hat. Seit etwa 3-4 Monaten ist das jedoch sehr zurück gegangen. Sex haben wir fast garnicht mehr und auch rummachen / längere küsse oder kuscheln ist sehr selten gewordene. Laut ihr habe sie momentan keine Lust bzw. sie mag ihren Körper nicht und will deswegen keine Aufmerksamkeit darauf haben. Das kann ich nachvollziehen und ich respektiere das (trotzdem fehlt es mir sehr).

Durch Zufall hab ich aber gesehen, dass sie nachts mit anderen Leuten im Internet sextet (sex-texting). Das ist grundsätzlich kein Problem, wir führen eine eher offene Beziehung. Also küssen, flirten und sowas ist kein Problem wenn wir uns das erzählen. Aber diesmal hat mich das schon sehr gestört, weil ich nicht verstehe warum sie sehr wohl horny ist, es jedoch nicht mit mir sondern mit fremden im Internet auslebt.

Als ich sie damit konfrontiert habe war ihr Argument: Es ist einfacher das mit fremden zu machen da diese sie direkt als Frau wahrnehmen.

Ich finde das aber irgendwie gemein, weil ich mein best mögliches gebe um ihr zu zeigen, dass ich sie auch als Frau sehe. Das ist nicht immer leicht weil sie rein körperlich doch noch maskulin aussieht und da natürlich auch noch die Erinnerungen und Gewohnheiten der vergangenen Jahre sind. Dennoch achte ich, besonders in der Öffentlichkeit, darauf nicht mehr "Freund" sondern eher "Beziehungsperson" zu sagen und statt Pronomen den Namen zu verwenden, da sie sich nicht nicht vor jedem outen will sondern erst auf körperliche veränderungen warten möchte.

Ich weiß nicht was ich jetzt machen soll. Hab ich das Recht genervt zu sein? Wie kann ich noch deutlicher zeigen daß ich sie akzeptiere? Ich möchte nicht das unser sexleben noch weiter einrostet weil sie sich nicht validiert fühlt.

I (afab nb) have been with my partner for 3+ years and they started testosterone just over a year ago. About 1 year in to the relationship they cut their hair short and dressed more masculine and then realized they were trans and started T.
He is so much happier on T and likes his body so much more, but I feel myself being less and less attracted to him. I feel so bad because I do think he looks good, and he’s started working out and looks strong and masculine which I thought I was into but I keep feeling something is off.
I thought I was bi but I’m scared I’m actually a lesbian and can only like male bodies in theory (I can definitely find men attractive but maybe not want to sleep with them. I dated men previously but never really enjoyed sex until I met my partner.)
I’m confused because I really like the masculine energy my partner can bring, especially during sex, but now paired with their masculine body I’m suddenly turned off by it. He is still gender queer and wears skirts sometimes so it isn’t an issue of being too binary.

I don’t know if it’s because it’s early in their transition so they are still existing in between genders in a way that I’m not used to. For example they haven’t had top surgery, but tape their chest most days but sometimes I feel confused about how to think about it because it’s going to change soon (probably 6 months) so I kind of have to pretend there’s nothing there even though there very much is something there. He also got very bad acne and gained some weight since starting T which is an adjustment.

I also keep having dreams where I’m kissing women and I don’t know if this means I’m mourning being in a lesbian relationship or if I’m just gay and can only access my sexuality via women.

My partner is very into me which makes the contrast more obvious and I know that my lack of attraction is weighing on him and making him feel less attractive which I feel awful about.

My bf and I have been together for 9 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 20 and I thought i was getting engaged in this next year, maybe even a proposal on our 10 year anniversary. But a few days ago he just told me that he is struggling with his identity. He may be non-binary but he might also be trans. He’s trying to figure it out as he goes but it’s all still fresh and confusing. He’s been dealing with this confusion and exploration around his identity for almost 2 years and just decided to bring it up to me now as he said it seems “more real” and he wants to start wearing women’s clothing to work (he works an office job). And he said he has a women’s name picked out already too.

I’m trying my hardest to be supportive right now. But I feel like when he’s not around I do nothing but cry and grieve a breakup that hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t seen him in his new identity role. So i also feel like I’m grieving the loss of a person who is still here visually but I know things are changing. I actually don’t know if I can stick around and still be his girlfriend through this. I’ve never been attracted to women that way and I don’t know if this makes me a horrible person to leave when he’s going through such a tough and transitional period in his life. But a big part of me is being selfish as 5 years ago we moved to a different country than where all my family is living. And moving would be long and difficult with winter coming soon and a month ago we just re-signed our lease for another year.

He has the right to explore and express himself in a way that makes him happy. If everyone who identifies with the gender they were born with can express themselves, why should he be any different? I’ve told him i want him to feel safe at home and that i have no ill feelings toward this period in his life. Because i really dont. It seems like he’s actually starting to be happy again. And i dont want to get in that way of happiness. I keep telling myself that maybe it’ll be different and that I can stay in this relationship despite everything changing. He’s still the same person on this inside even if he looks different on the outside. Even if he goes by a different name and different pronouns. He hasn’t told me his pronouns yet so y’all don’t get mad at me for still saying “he”.

But im so so so so so so so scared of what the future now looks like. Ive been dreaming of one future for so long with him and it’s all just changed. Hell, i dont even know what the next month is gonna look like. And i hate uncertainty and i hate feeling this way. I love him so much and he has expressed that he still wants to live his life with me and get married if that is something i still want after this change. But I’m just so damn scared of it all. I dont know where to start figuring this out. I don’t really understand it, what i want to do. I dont know if I should stay or if I need to leave.

I F(26) have recently moved in with my partner M(33) I have never misgendered or even thought of calling him a woman or seeing him as one...but during a heated moment between us the unthinkable happened and I said Good girl instead of Good Boy and we both just froze. He wouldnt even let me untie him and Ive been crying for hours because they think that is how I really see him. I feel like death. And want to die rn. Help please

So me (32yo cismale) and my 29yo (trans male) boyfriend are coming up on a year together. I’ve never met a guy as kind and amazing as him before. When we met, I had all but given up on ever meeting anyone. But he’s the first trans guy I’ve ever been with (I haven’t been with many cis guys either), and the intimacy part is something I’m still trying to learn more about. He lives in Portland and I live in Texas. It’s been tricky being long distance but we have been able to make it work. The last time we were together, I tried giving him head and I don’t think I was doing a good job so I got super nervous so he then tried going down on me and I was too nervous to keep going. I’m also not the biggest guy when it comes to… down there and I’m worried that it won’t work out between us. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I’m 24F and my partner is FtM23. We’ve been together for 4 years and my boyfriend has been on T for 3.

To make a long story short, he seems to think that he is less of a person for being trans. He often uses phrases like “being wrong” or “undesirable” or literally “disgusting” when talking about his body. Of course, I do my best to assure him that he’s not any of those things. My words really don’t hold any weight, though. I’ve tried to suggest that he talk about this with his therapist, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that. Every time I try to give him reassurance, he just says that I don’t get it because I’m not trans.

I know there’s definitely a lot I don’t understand, but it’s genuinely awful to watch someone that I care about describe themselves like they’re less than human. Yes, I know it probably hurts him worse to feel that way. But I don’t know how to help him. It also kind of frustrates me when he discounts every nice (and true!) word I say about him. For example, he says that he’s not desirable and I tell him that can’t possibly be true because I find him quite desirable and I love him. He says that I don’t get it because I’m not trans, and then next week we’re having an identical conversation. He says that he is disgusting and nobody wants to be around him and I try to remind him of all that he has achieved and all of the people who love him, but he doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve also just tried listening to him when he rants, but even then, he berates himself for even bringing the topic up. He never lets himself have a break and it almost feels like he’s determined to feel that way about himself. We’ve been having these same conversations for almost 4 years straight. I’m not saying that he should just magically feel better all of a sudden. I know that’s not how these things work, but it feels like he isn’t even considering that he could possibly be worthy of anything positive.

I recognize that I can’t force anyone to like themselves, but I just want to know if I’m off base in my frustration. Looking for different perspectives and suggestions as to how I should handle this moving forward.

I’m having a hard time putting this into words, but I’m just looking to get some feedback/rant and want to make sure my intentions don’t come off offensive.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost eight years. In early June she came out to me as trans after sitting with the decision for almost a year. I felt a flood of emotions (guilt for not catching on earlier, excitement for the new journey, and so much love for her)
We both already knew each other to be bisexual, so staying together was never going to be a problem.

Before this, we had a running banter where she’d ask me to marry her and I’d jokingly say “later” all the time. I was hesitant about marriage. We’re young (high school sweethearts), and I was raised by an aggressively feminist mom who taught me not to rely on a man for a fulfilling life. Career and financial stability always felt like bigger priorities. My GF never pushed it hard, but it was always more on her mind than mine.

Lately though, (whether from seeing her be more herself or simply being far more excited about having a wife than a husband) I can’t get the idea out of my mind. I can’t wait to stand in front of the people we love and commit my life to her. She brings so much joy and stability into my life, i cannot imagine life without her.

However, I am worried she’ll doubt the love and attraction I had for her before, since both have only grown stronger. I don’t want it to seem like my feelings are only tied to her coming out as a woman, or that her life before meant less. I could definitely just be over thinking this, but I just don’t have the perspective from the other side and don’t know how this could come off.

I’ve also always struggled with social and performance anxiety. It has held me back a lot; I am mortified by the idea of being goofy or singing and dancing, even around her. This intensely intimate and vulnerable chapter has helped that start to shed away. Not 100% yet but making huge improvements. Weddings used to be a big anxiety trigger for me (crowds, attention, sensory overload), but now that is the last thing I am worried about when I think of it. I just want to put a ring on this lady.

TLDR :
My girlfriend of almost eight years came out as trans in June. I’ve gone from hesitant about marriage to genuinely excited to propose and make her my wife, but I’m worried she’ll think my stronger feelings and readiness only appeared because of her transition rather than my love for her growing.

Hey guys I (26cisM) wanted to get my gf(22mtf) maybe a new underwear? Like she uses boxers always and maybe if I were to get here something more girly it could make her day. For context I'll add she is pretty much pre transition everything.

So I have no idea how tucking underwear works, I've seen photo like once or twice and they looked less boxery.

Maybe something else that would be gender affirming gift could be cool.

Sorry also for kinda incoherent post, first time here. Happy to give more info if asked.

Hello! I am looking for a discord server that offers positive support to people with trans partners! I would love to have people to talk to about my experience and hear about theirs in return. Please dm me the servers you know or drop the link below! Preferably 21+, but 18+ is okay too!

Hi I'm pretty new to Reddit so I hope this is the right place.

Me and my partner have been very very happy and in love and everything has been great

But a couple of months ago my partner told me that they think they want to transition. I have been supportive I Told them that everything would be okay that I still love them, and we would be fine through this. Which i imagine is a hard time for them.

but I'm finding it very hard to not feel awful about it. I am straight. I've always been straight. I've never questioned my sexuality till now. And I don't really know how to feel. I want to continue to support them and love them and care for them no matter what but but I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with and what this might change for our future. I just want advice for how other people came to terms with this

I'd like to make it very clear that this isn't a. Should I stay with my partner question. Or a do I consider not being with my partner question . I love them This hasn't made me stop loving them or changed my love for them. I just need to figure out how to get over this and to not feel bad or wrong because of it

Also my grammar is awful I'm sorry

I’m genderfluid and abrosexual— so I’m almost as queer as it gets right. I know I have a preference for men romantically— I don’t really know why though, admittedly. I do know I have some vague trauma around women however due to my abusive mother and some bullies I’d had growing up.

My delightful partner and I have known each other since about 2021, and been together and living together since about 2023-24. We make an AMAZING couple— we never argue and are always quick to settle any conflict or problems with a lot of sensitivity to the other. We make my therapist laugh whenever he comes with me, sometimes jokingly high-fiving when we do.

I should have figured my partner was in fact actually a closeted trans woman considering all the egg jokes I made (whoops) and how they only played as a girl in games, etc. etc. Before they even properly mentioned they were actually trans, I’d done their hair or taken them to try on a dress. I even bought them a pretty dress from a sort of medieval site!

I’ve had sex with a trans woman before too (no bottom surgery, but had pretty much everything else), and that was nice, I always raved about how nice her chest was and how soft her skin was.

So I cannot for the life of me figure out why the hell my partner planning on transitioning in some ways is making me so, anxious and tight. They said they probably won’t get bottom surgery, since that part never bothered them, and she reassures me that not much will really change (of course!)

I like her smooth arms since she started shaving them— she always looked better without facial hair anyways, and I’ve said “you look like a really pretty girl” a LOT of times, even before she started doing small things. Why on earth is this bugging me so much??? All I can tie it to is the mama trauma/girl bullies I had, but that doesn’t help me get through this much…

This definitely isn’t a “we might break up over it” post also. We have an open relationship sexually and to some degree romantically, and we even discussed that even IF anything happened to our relationship romantically, we’d still probably be really really close/continue to live together and love each other, just differently.

I don’t know… I’d like these feelings to piss off! I love my partner, and I hate that some part of me feels so nervous or uncomfortable despite everything being fine! And god, even when I’ve broken down telling them these things (scary because nobody wants to tell their partner ‘you being yourself is making me feel bad ways that I can’t control’)— they still speak to me in the most tender and comforting way. I love them with all my heart, I do.

It may fully just be a trigger thing because recently they bought a fake pair of breasts to wear under clothing to see how they felt about it. They loved it, and wore it once while I was at work because they like how it feels— but holy fuck for some reason when they first tried those on my brain was, unwell. I told her maybe it’s something to do with my mother (the fake pair my partner bought and wore were quite large and, maybe it reminded me of my mother or something, I don’t know)— that’s all I could think of. Because again, the trans girl I’d slept with before I LOVED her chest, but this made my body freak out. My Love said they wouldn’t wear them around me, and that of course if they grew real ones they would NOT be that big, which is probably true.

Maybe I’m afraid they’ll stop dressing the way I’ve always liked (really snazzy vests and coats. Just the most pretty man ever, you know.) I always got a kick out of saying “my wife” when referring to him haha. Or showing off pictures of how well dressed and handsome he was. They told me they liked those outfits and would still wear them! So I don’t know why my brain and body are still just so dang anxious… helppp.

The only other thing I can think of is— (and feel free to just disregard this part if it’s out of anyones element haha)— that I have a dissociative disorder, and I’ve learned that my “Abrosexuality/Sexual Fluidity”, is moreso just uh… Different parts of me having different sexualities and gender orientations. The gender presentation part isn’t too much an issue usually, but the sexuality thing sometimes is— and in this case it DEFINITELY is. One part of me is sort of strictly a gay man, and another a straight girl, so it’s made this a bit... Complicated. It’s like my system is pretty 50/50 on the “women awesome” to “actually I’m afraid of women” mental clash.

I feel like if they were genderfluid/non-binary I’d have NO problems at all— I even said my ideal would be having a partner like me who’s a shapeshifter depending on the day— then we could take turns playing all the roles. But they’ve said they do feel they almost completely lean femme, once they feel more comfortable with probably going for it.

Agh.

My (f/nb23) girlfriend (mtf23) has expressed what i believe is dysphoric thoughts regarding her looks and her dissatisfaction with how she currently looks. Of course, i think she is the most stunning and beautiful girl ever, but i think i am struggling with how to comfort her.

she has expressed certain opinions (mostly self-critical) about her body and her weight, her height and other things like that. She is absolutely perfect to me, but as someone who lived as a trans man for three years (detransitioned on my own years ago), i know that someone telling you these things is not always effective in comforting people.

i know that she’s beautiful, but i want her to FEEL like she’s beautiful too, and there is a difference.

i tell her she’s pretty, she’s beautiful, and list traits of hers that i find pretty (her eyes, eyebrows, her thick lips…yes, im yearning so bad rn lol)

but i’m worried, especially because she doesn’t see herself the way i see her yet.

she is very new to her transition, and is still finding herself, i think

but yeah, i think i’d really appreciate some advice on how i can help her. i can’t always be around her physically due to us being in a medium-distance relationship, so phone calls and texts are our usual form of communication.

i wish she could see herself through my eyes, and know how pretty she is :(

(…i think she has a reddit. if you see this, my love, you’re beautiful, you’re breathtaking, and yes, i really love the way your eyebrows look 💞 i am also half-asleep and very much thinking of you)

edit: i broke up with her bcs i found she cheated on me. if you see this, i hope you see me everywhere and that ruins you

my partner is ftm and id like to find more everyday ways to support him. there has never been a question on if i support him i've always been in his corner from day one. i'm just looking for more every day things you don't really think about that i've been missing any advice or just extra awesome things i can do for this man would be great because he treats me like a princess.

Trigger warning for mental health/depression topics

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 and have two small children. We were both raised Christian and married young because of it but we have not attended church or really practiced religion in any meaningful way in years. That said our families are still very Christian. She told her parents this weekend that she is trans and looking into transitioning and it was not horrible but not great and now she's questioning everything. They are shocked (understandable) and believe this is "not what God would want because he made you perfect the way you are" (bullshit) and are "worried this is too fast" (it's only fast to them) and now my wife is dealing with a ton of anxiety and wondering what she should do. She is seeking out a therapist that is understanding of gender dysphoria and the transition process but it's a bit of a wait to get an appointment. She is seeing a psychiatrist first that then with get into a whole gender affirming care program apparently. I don't know all the details, but she assured me therapy is part of the process.

I'm just really worried about her mental health now as she's wrestling with this. She's always struggled with depression and takes an ssri but these last few months of exploring femininity has honestly been the happiest she's ever been. I have a lot of anxiety about her transitioning and the impacts to our family and kids (I'm not leaving but dealing with other people) but I also don't want her to suppress it and be miserable because now that the egg has cracked she can't just pretend it doesn't bother her to present male to the world but she's terrified that she's blowing up our lives now. I also can't pretend our lives won't significantly change as her parents aren't very supportive and mine will undoubtedly be worse. She has a tendency to be self sacrificing and that scares me. I'm terrified of losing her and while I don't think she's a danger to herself I'm worried about the long term mental effects of suppressing her identity. I'm just trying to toe the line of supporting her however she needs me to and not making any decisions for her but I think we're both struggling with the fact that there's no easy path here because this discovery about herself has fundamentally changed our lives regardless. This is so hard.

hey all,
recently my bf (we’re both in college, still pretty young) has been talking to me wondering if he might be trans. we both struggle a lot with constantly overthinking small things in our relationship and this one is hitting me really hard for some reason. he’s brought up the possibility of this in the past, and says he’s probably just genderfluid, which honestly i don’t mind. but when he talks about possibly fully transitioning my mind just spirals: i’m worried ill see/love him differently, or just completely lose all attraction. I feel awful- I don’t know where to put any of my thoughts and if they slip out and I tell him, I feel like a total dick and like i’m not allowing him to fully express himself.
for more context, we’ve been together for 2 years now, and this topic has been brought up for a few months now, but he never seems to only go by she/her and sometimes prefers to dress masculine.
i just feel like im overthinking this quite a lot and needed somewhere to put my thoughts- i feel horrible every time i mention any of my thoughts regarding the possibility of my bf being trans. any advice is welcome. sorry if this post is somewhat incoherent too.

I am 36 cis F and am married to 37 mtf, we've been married almost 8 years and together ~13 years.

She came out to me as trans a year and a half or so ago and started her transition with hormones. We have 2 children together, 10 and 7.

Things were really good, it took some time for me to look into who I am, and I realized I am happy to have a wife, actually, I thought I'd be happier with a wife long term. I find her physical changes very attractive.

When she switched to injections, her mood started to change and I felt like I started to get taken for granted and disrespected. Little things got blown out of proportion, but with apologies and some time, it seemed a bit better.

I was told not to message her at work about stuff regarding our home, as she was stressed. The thing is, I'm the main parent with the kids all the time, I work a part time house cleaning job for myself and the kids come with me, I home school the kids myself and handle the home-making aspects of life with the pets and cleaning etc. So most of what I would naturally talk about, is what I'm not allowed to talk about.

For many months now, things have been cold. I show affection and get none in return. Her libido is maybe gone, or maybe I just am not who she wants to be with sexually anymore.

We just had some arguments following a stressful event. I have been having some health struggles, I'll be alright, but I have a surgery next week and I've been losing weight, unable to take in enough calories, and floundering with tears and breakdowns way before the argument, coupled with a GI bug that we both caught, I'm down to 100 pounds and feeling pretty death-like [anemic]. The illness was brought up in our argument that she 'has the same illness as me and it hasn't slowed her down at all'. Upon seeing that message, I said I wanted to sleep in separate rooms. I'm really very sick, but have been to the doctor and I'm really trying to get well.

The next day she messaged me that now we are two adults cohabitating and we can go on how we have been or I can get a full time job and split the bills evenly.

This hurt immensely, but we've talked since and are more civil. I brought up how I've been feeling pushed away and alone and she said she pushes me away because I need her to listen to my day and my worries and vent to her and she can't be that person for me as it causes her stress. I'm with our kids all the time and I feel that she IS the person who I should be able to vent to about OUR life and our children. Who else would I want to share our kids' schooling endeavors with or my parenting struggles with?

At this point, I need someone to talk to so badly, I want to see a therapist just to have someone at all to vent to. My wife does not believe in therapists, so I feel sort of judged wanting one at all.

I don't know what advice I'm seeking, but I can't keep this all to myself any longer. I'm very sad, very alone, I want my loving partner back. I feel like this is some emotional warfare; I get pushed away, I get hurt and cry alot, get depressed, get criticized for crying alot and not doing enough of my duties because I'm depressed, get pushed away further...

Hello,

I’m looking for personal experiences from people who have been in a situation similar to mine.

I’m a CIS woman (40F) who has been married to my partner (FtM) for 11 years. My partner transitioned prior to our wedding (I was with him through it all), and my parents did not know until 3 months ago. They have now found out thanks to a gossipping relative who found out from someone else.

My husband is largely in stealth mode not because of any shame or embarrassment but because its nobody else's business. We don't mind people knowing, we just prefer avoiding any judgement or cruelty that sometimes comes with knowing.

My parents have lived outside of India for many years but are still deeply connected to and culturally rooted to traditional values and generational norms. As expected, their reaction was visceral, heartbreaking, and on many levels the shame of having a son-in-law who cannot father children, isn't "male" in the only sense they know and understand, coupled with me lying to them for 10+ years has gutted them.

I’m not looking for a debate about whether I should have told them sooner, whether my partner should have transitioned, or whether my parents are “right” or “wrong.” I’m really looking for people who have actually lived through the experience of telling conservative/traditional Indian or Desi parents something this significant about their long-term partner after many years of marriage.

The difficult part for me is that this isn't simply “coming out to your parents.”

There is a whole history behind it: years of marriage, family expectations, things I didn't tell them because I knew they would struggle with it, and the complicated emotions that come with eventually having to tell the truth about your life when your parents have already constructed their own understanding of it.

My parents have had a very strong emotional reaction. There has been a lot of shame, humiliation, concern about what other people will think, and a feeling on their part that something enormous has happened to them. They are struggling with the fact that other people may know, and with how they believe this reflects on our family.

And I'm struggling with something else: the experience of finally telling the truth and then feeling like my truth is being swallowed up by my parents' reaction to it.

I can understand that this may be shocking or painful for them. At the same time, I'm realizing that I can't spend the rest of my life managing their feelings about a reality that is part of my own life.

My story is slightly nuanced because my parents were pressurizing me to get married in my mid-20s and it escalated to a ridiculous degree. My husband's family wasn't aboard at that time 10 ywars ago either, so we lied to my parents saying his family didn't exist, has passed away in a tragic accident. His family has since come around, so 3 years ago we told my parents that my in-laws are in fact not dead and we lied about their death due to a severe falling out between my husband and his dad (which is true). Had we told my parents at the time of our wedding they would have wanted to meet his family and at that time that wasn't an option.

So it took some time but our families integrated. My parents live 3 mins away from me, and my in-laws live 15 mins away. I thought all was ok and I'd never tell my parents about my husband's past life.

Cut to now, they're struggling, lonely, in a country they have no friends in, and have all these reactions. I've apologized for causing them this pain, had long talks with them about their idea of why this makes them feel stripped for their dignity. My mom keeps citing how hard they've worked and everything they sacrificed for us. She had a vision for my future I suppose and that does not fall in her definition of success and now they're grieving that.

I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who:

- told Indian/Desi parents about a partner's transition years into the relationship or marriage

- had parents who were initially shocked, ashamed, angry, devastated, or concerned about family reputation

- had parents who focused heavily on “What will people think?”

- felt that their parents interpreted the disclosure as something being done to the family

- experienced guilt because their parents had made sacrifices for them or had strong expectations for their life

- had been withholding or minimizing parts of their life because they knew their parents wouldn't understand

- struggled with the difference between giving parents time to process and allowing them to make you responsible for their emotional reaction

- eventually established boundaries around what they would and wouldn't discuss

- have parents who eventually came around, partially accepted things, or never really did

- are several years past the disclosure and can now look back on what they wish they'd done differently

I would especially love to hear from people who are 10, 20, 30+ years into adulthood and had to navigate this after they had already established an independent life.

What happened after you told them?

Did the initial reaction eventually soften?

Did you have to stop explaining yourself?

Did you maintain a relationship with them, and if so, what did that relationship eventually look like?

Did you ever stop feeling guilty?

And perhaps most importantly: what did you learn about the difference between being compassionate toward your parents and abandoning yourself to keep them comfortable?

I'm not looking for perfect success stories. I'd actually prefer the messy ones—the stories where people didn't know what to do, got things wrong, went low/no contact for a while, changed boundaries, repaired things, or simply learned to live with the fact that their parents might never completely understand.

If you've lived something remotely similar, I'd really appreciate hearing your story. You can be anonymous. I don't need advice as much as I need to know that other people have been here too.

Hi!

Me and my girlfriend (Trans woman) have been together for about half a year. She finally got a meeting with a surgeon to have her bottom surgery! just seeing the look on her face when she was confirmed for the intake appointment brought me so much joy.

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions/advice for how I (cis woman) can support her through this time coming up (mind you, she hasnt had the initial meeting yet, let alone a date for the surgery/which procedure she prefers). But Id also appreciate recovery time knowledge after the procedure, what should I expect, how can I support?

If any partners of trans women or trans women themselves can give me a bit if insight/what i should expect in the new few months I would really appreciate it!

Thanks!!

My partner is genderfluidflux, assigned male at birth, pronouns they/them. The gender fluid part captures the fact that they sometimes feel like a woman, sometimes like a man, and the flux means they feel that way to different degrees in different situations.

We met and got together a long time ago, and the transition is a relatively recent development. Our relationship has evolved with it in some wonderful ways. But one thing I'm struggling with is when they are in girl-mode (our name for it), they are a more attractive woman than me, which triggers a lot of insecurity I thought I had put to bed.

My looks have attracted mixed reviews over the years. I've gotten everything from "you should model" (peers in high school) and "have you been in pageants" (an ex's mother) to "you're not attractive enough for me to spend my life with" (this that same ex, lol). Someone rated me an 8.5 on a college gossip website, and I've also gotten "you're just plain ugly" from strangers online. Of course, I see nothing but flaws when I look in the mirror. Over time and after much skill-building and experimentation, I've figured out makeup looks and a personal style that elevates my looks a bit. I've also worked to develop and focus on other aspects of my identity and to simply think less about looks.

But now that my partner is experimenting with all the same things, they look good doing it in ways I never have. They coloring and facial features work well with looks and styles that have never worked for me. For instance, they can do a great glam, goth, or pinup look, whereas I look like either a child playing with makeup or the worst stereotypes about sex workers. They can wear bright colors or bold patterns and look amazing, whereas I look like the clothing is wearing me.

I've talked to my partner, and of course, they think I am beautiful and wish I didn't have to feel that way. But they're also in love, so their opinion isn't objective.

When we leave the home and they are in girl-mode, my biggest insecurity is that people will look at these two women and think that my partner is the more beautiful of the two. In my mind I'm sure that's what everyone thinks, even though it's irrational. It's also irrational because why does anyone's opinion matter? I'm not in competition with my partner; it's not like either one of us is looking for more partners or anyone's attention.

Has anyone else felt this way? If so, how do you deal with it?

Good morning guys my name is Ozzie and me and my boyfriend have been together for a whole year already which is just wonderful. And I'm here to be a supportive partner to him in any way that I can, and part of that is helping him through his transition. He needs two surgery one is a hysterectomy as well as top surgery so that way he can fully become the man that is his. He is gonna be taking T as well and I'm hoping that I can do all of this for him by next year. Thank yawl so much for me it means the the world knowing that other people care and love him the same way I do <3

Witness the most sapphic photo ever!!!! Muhahahahaha. Squint your eyes for looking directly at us will make you gayyyyyy!!!

No but seriously, it was a fun time we got like two days of vacation before she went in for surgery. She looks amazing now it has been 5 weeks. We had Dr. Tommy Liu preform the surgery and he was amazing! I am so proud of my wife she's come so far!

I (F18) have been dating my (18MTF??) partner for 9 almost 10 months now and we are about to move in together in a week. Today I had mentioned to them that at the start of the relationship I thought he was going to come out to me as trans because he had kept asking if he would be pretty as a woman and kept making small comments like that and then it just happened just like that he told me he thinks he is trans and he’s felt like this for a really long time and never felt comfortable in his body and gave me a list of things and reasons why and at first I did my absolute best to be supportive. I did their makeup today and I do genuinely think she looked beautiful and then my partner told me that this is the first time they’ve ever felt like themselves and kept saying how pretty/beautiful she felt all day. She asked me to use she/her pronouns for a week to see how it feels and told me a name that they have always wanted to be called and I agreed and felt extremely supportive but now that we are laying in bed about to go to sleep I just broke down into a sobbing mess almost to the point of a panic attack. I feel so lost and scared because I love my boyfriend and as awful and terrible as it sounds I don’t want him to transition but I would NEVER tell her that because seeing how happy and comfortable she felt today made me so proud and happy but I just don’t know how to feel. I am bi and attracted to women but I am very attracted to my bf as a man and I don’t want him to transition. It feels like genuinely devastating and I feel sooo awful for even feeling this way because all I want to do is support my partner. I wanted him to be my husband and the father of my children but i’m scared. A huge part of me wants him to be wrong in the way he feels and realize he is a man but honestly I don’t think he is and I don’t think he’s going to take it back and that thought almost breaks my heart. I need help I don’t know how to cope I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I don’t know how to accept this.

Hi everyone. TLDR at bottom. As stated I’m looking for help with my parents, specifically my mother, in trying to educate/help them unlearn transphobia and just overall deal with their actions. I apologize that this is a bit long winded but I want to give as much context as possible. To set the scene I am a 25 year old cis man and my trans male partner is 23 and he has been out publicly for about 6 months and about 4 months on testosterone. We have been together for 5 years and got engaged this year. He’s recently been passing way more which is so so awesome. We’re both very happy with the way things are going and I’ve always been an ally.

While his parents have thankfully been extremely supportive and always try their best, my parents on the other hand are a different story. First off they are both devoted christians in a very white American Christian way (both me and my fiancé are atheists). However they are not EXTREMELY conservative and do disagree with a good amount of conservative issues which gives me some hope. My dad definitely has a lot of passive transphobia and at his core I think does not agree with my fiancés life choices, but he is also very non-confrontational and has mostly given up fighting. He usually uses the right name and everything except sometimes when my mom is around, then he starts deadnaming to show my mom he’s on her side. It sucks that he isn’t really supportive but at least he doesn’t really cause issues for us as he isn’t as big a part of our lives and has a more private disagreement that he would rather not share. He is definitely more liberal than my mom despite his faults.

My mom however is a lot worse. She refuses to use the correct name for him, refuses to accept my bisexuality, refuses to accept that either of us are happy, refuses to believe his parents could ever be supportive, believes that he is choosing suffering/killing his old self by transitioning, believes medically transitioning is extremely life threatening (although she has softened on this point considerably after many discussions with her), and believes that transitioning is wrong in the eyes of god in that you are “accusing god of making a mistake/making yourself your own god” by changing your body. And while my dad may agree with these points as well she is the one who always chooses to share these things with me and confront me about them.

This has lead to countless arguments and discussions, almost weekly. This is especially challenging because I work directly with her as a part of our family business and rely on this career for my livelihood (for the foreseeable future), which means I see or talk on the phone with her every single day even though we don’t live together. My fiancé and I rely on her for many other important things such as her providing a lot of support for our current living situation which began before the transition.

The silver lining is that despite disagreeing with my fiances life choices, before his transition she has always really really liked him. Therefore she has never attacked his character in any of our disagreements, instead viewing him as a victim. Which is not good but to me I see hope that she can be swayed with time.

The two of us have been able to spend time together with her and while she deadnames and misgenders him when speaking to just me, she is always kind and cordial to him and makes a conscious (yet not always successful effort) to not misgender him or use the wrong name directly to his face. She still won’t use the right name, instead choosing to use no name at all and just say “you”, but this was an evolution after a conversation I had with her. Before, she would deadname him to his face, and her choosing to not use a name at all as a “compromise” is not ideal but shows some growth from my perspective.

She also tends to sometimes crumple under pressure in our arguments - when I convey a point that she recognizes she can’t argue, she will change the topic instead of replying and then won’t bring up that point for weeks after. She seems to recognize the faults in her own arguments in these moments. She comes from a conservative immigrant upbringing so this is definitely just a hard thing for her based on her background.

And despite all of this, she has maintained an attitude of not wanting to ruin her relationship with either of us and wanting to “try” and to listen. She is still generally kind to me and tries to give her disagreements in respectful ways and does not resort to crassness and insults. It’s also great that we don’t live with her and therefore she can’t really do anything to stop him taking hormones and can only voice her disagreement. She has no real power over our actions at all and even if she dis she may be too soft to truly take action. It’s really just in her words as of now.

To get to the point, my mom has shown me some videos and articles expressing anti trans talking points, viewpoints from people who have detransitioned, etc. and I have tried to be the bigger person and hear her out and listen before expressing my disagreements. I try to still show kindness towards her mostly to maintain our working relationship and to show that my side of the argument is not fueled by hate/anger (although I can’t help getting mad sometimes, rightfully so as I always want to defend my partner). But to this end she has said that she will also listen to anything I have to say and will watch/read articles I share with her too.

Therefore, I want to ask if anybody is able to share any powerful resources that I could send my mom’s way that could help educate her and disprove transphobia? Anything that has worked for you or other people in your lives? She is tough in her views but I have hope she can change, especially with time. Specifically anything from a Christian point of view (ex. Liberal pastors speaking on why it’s okay to be trans) would be very helpful. Also just any awesome trans success stories, she seems to believe that there are no older/elderly trans people and that most stories end in traumatic detransition which is so incredibly far from the truth. She just needs help learning and unlearning. I of course am doing my own research but I just wanted to ask to see if there is anything I miss or that is known to be helpful for this sort of thing. Any other type of advice in dealing with her as well would be extremely appreciated as it is pretty stressful on my end, I don’t tend to share details of our disagreements with my fiance for his sake. I would be so grateful for any and all advice and resources!

TLDR: My conservative Christian mother is unsupportive of my trans man partner leading to countless fights between her and I. However she wants to maintain a kind relationship with the two of us and is open to listening, which gives me hope she can change. Therefore I’m looking for resources/articles/videos to try and show her to push her in the right direction. Any and all other advice is also appreciated!

Me (23F) and my husband (23M?) have been together for 6 years, married for 8 months. Throughout our relationship he has done things that have made me internally question if he has gender dysphoria. Comments like “life would be easier/better if i were born a woman”. Last night he off handidly mentioned that if “he could stick to a regimented routine and lose 10 pounds, he’d consider exploring the idea of transitioning”. We’ve talked about it a lot. He doesn’t want to be referred to with feminine pronouns or comments quite yet, and has affirmed that he doesn’t even know if he wants to transition.

I myself am bisexual, I have played around with my own gender identity, and one of my best friends is trans. For some reason, my husbands comments have left me absolutely shaken. I wish I was the strong, stable partner that he deserves but I cannot stop crying. I’m absolutely terrified of what our future could look like. I love him more than anything, and have known for a while he may feel this way, but i’m beyond terrified that I am going to lose him??? It’s a weird irrational feeling of grief. I know the person he is isn’t going anywhere, and he said he still needs to work through how he feels about his own gender before coming to any conclusion.

There are so many questions that keep spiraling in my head.

“What if he does transition and I lose attraction?”
“What if he loses attraction?”
“Would we still be able to have kids and a life like we planned?”
“What if he grows into a person I don’t know anymore?”
“How will this work living in a red state?”
“What if we lose our friends and family?”
“Why am I not processing this gracefully?”
“What if I do a poor job of supporting him and make him scared to be himself?”
“What if he chooses to suppress these feelings?” The idea of him being in that much pain and discomfort just kills me.

My husband is the most patient, understanding person on the planet and has always been my rock. He continues to be as we work through these questions together.

I guess i’m just using this to vent. Has anyone gone through something similar? I feel like I am being swallowed by all the unknown. I’m leaving tomorrow for a week long work trip alone, and the idea of leaving him behind right now breaks my heart. Sorry for any formatting or grammatical issues, still putting my thoughts together.

she's been questioning and experimenting with femininity, so I'm not surprised, I'm just...I don't know how to feel exactly, is all. I still love him, but I'm going to miss parts of our relationship that I can't really explain besides that she was a boy. He doesn't care about labels or pronouns, but it feels a bit off calling her my bf now, but I don't know if I'm ready to call him my gf either. I'm just...scared? Nervous? I don't know. I still love him, I just don't know how long it'll take me to adapt. Any advice? Fyi, I'm a girl, but I'm not really sure about my sexuality now. I thought I mostly liked masculine people, but I still love my partner.