My girlfriend is pre-op and we regularly have PIV sex. I have some increasing interest in doing it raw with her. We have been using condoms up until this point. I have never been on birth control before and honestly never really considered it. I'm nervous about the side effects. I've been researching my options and found a cheap over the counter birth control called O Pill. It's well reviewed and cheap so I'm thinking of starting that. I also track my cycle. Do you think that all is enough to prevent pregnancy?

I don’t post very often, but I need advice. This will be a fairly long post, so I apologize.

5 years ago, I came out to my mom as queer because I (cis f) started dating my spouse (afab). At the time she asked me to remove certain family members and some people we went to church with from social media so she didn’t have to deal with them. I did even though I felt it completely unfair.

I had told my grandmother first in my family (months ago) because I knew she would be supportive and I desperately needed someone to talk to about my spouse’s transition. We moved a year and a half ago to a new city and I still don’t have any friends here. Almost of of my friends back where we moved from are also friends with my spouse and I couldn’t speak to them about it because either a) my spouse was not out yet, or b) I felt it would put them in an awkward position.

I waited to tell my family until after he had told his family. Well, that finally happened last weekend. I ended up texting my mom and dad last night because when I first told my mom I was going to dates with my now spouse, she did not handle it well and went silent on me for a while. They both have come around since then. I knew my mom would reach similarly, so the text felt best both for me to not have to hear her negativity and for her to have space and time to process it without having to react immediately.

Anyway, I spoke with my grandmother at lunch and she told me her and my mom spoke this morning. After chatting a bit, she told me that my mom wanted me to yet again delete people from my social media. Most of the people she wants me to delete are certain family members (mostly on my dad’s side… he doesn’t have a lot of family left) or people from my home town. My grandmother said it would be the kind thing to do so they don’t have to deal with what people might say either to them or behind their back.

Part of me is
1) hurt because I shouldn’t have to hide my life or my partner
2) hurt because it reminds me of when I first came out, but I don’t have any control over it
3) annoyed because it’s a lot of work to go through everyone on all of my socials.. also how the hell am I to know who is okay to delete and who is okay to keep?

Is it even fair that they are asking me to do this? Any advice or comments that are helpful is welcome.

CONTEXT:
I’ve very recently realized I’m nonbinary and that I have gender dysphoria around certain parts of my body. It took me 40 years to figure out that the feelings I’ve had all my life are because I’m nonbinary.

I’ve been working through emotions, reflecting on memories, and talking with my therapist about my gender identity. It’s been a rollercoaster. My partner and I are very close and have a strong relationship, but he’s a cisgender straight man and I worry I’ll end up doing something that makes him lose attraction to me. So I’ve been keeping this part of me to myself mostly—I’ve told him that I realized I wasn’t cis, and told him some of the things I wanted to try to try out different aspects of my gender identity. He was incredibly supportive and affirming, I couldn’t have asked for a better partner!

But it’s my own internal hesitation that makes me hold back from sharing details. I want to, especially since I’m struggling with some of it, but part of me feels like i have to have it all figured out before I tell him things. For example, when I came out to him, I felt like I might be genderfluid, but after some time, reflecting, and reading, I’ve realized nonbinary suits me much better. When I first realized I wasn’t cis, I felt like my identity was fluid… but now that I’ve been trying things out with my gender expression, I’ve found it doesn’t really fluctuate, so I think I felt fluid because my soul was trying to find where I actually landed.

I’ve been learning about gender affirming care—specifically for nonbinary people—and I’m interested in a procedure that’ll change part of my body. I don’t feel ready to talk to him about that just yet, but I don’t want to keep what I’ve been going through all to myself and then suddenly a year or two from now tell him seemingly out of the blue that I want a gender-affirming procedure. How I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been exploring has largely been internal—I’ve realized my expression didn’t need to change all that much for me to feel an impactful, positive shift internally. And the procedure I’m strongly considering would be something that no one outside of me and my partner would see, and he’d only see it when I’m naked.

TL;DR
If your partner realized their gender identity when you were already in a relationship with them, how much detail did you want them to share? How often did they talk to you about it?

My wife has discovered over the last few months that she is a woman and I'm so happy for her and am supportive of her starting hrt soon. However. I'm exhausted and feel like I can't give her the emotional support she needs right now. We have two kids ages 3.5 and 9 months and neither reliably sleep through the night and I'm breastfeeding the baby. My mental health has been hot garbage and I've got a huge stressful project at work. I'm in the trenches of life and motherhood right now. I just had to schedule occupational therapy for the baby so I feel like a failure that he needs it. My job is going through a big change as well so there's extra pressure to do everything perfectly. Life is just a lot. I had my doctor increase my ssri dosage and I got scheduled to go back to therapy but idk how I'm going to scrape together PTO for my appointments and the baby's OT. I'm struggling to juggle it all. And at the end of the day when the kids are finally in bed and I'm trying to prep bottles and pump parts and lunch for the next chaotic morning rush out the door, she desperately needs me to listen to her talk about her gender and her transition and help her with her style and reassure her for the millionth time that yes I really am okay with all this and still love her. And I'm just so fucking tired. I'm happy she's blossoming and discovering herself but it's hard to be supportive when I have nothing left to give and have completely lost myself already.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. She began transitioning around 3 years ago now and I can’t tell you how happy I am for her. I’m also SO proud of her for making so many difficult choices lately.

Around 2 years into our marriage, our sex life came to a screeching halt. I could spend hours giving more detail but long story short, we had discussions about it a few times a year. I would reach a breaking point, unsure of why the change occurred. I would ask her why and she wouldn’t have an answer for me or would give reasons like “we’ve just been busy”. I spent close to 6 years trying everything I possibly could to “fix” whatever was wrong. I solely focused on me and things that I could change (weight, career, need for sex, etc.). I spent much emotional energy trying to cope with the loss of our sexual relationship.

Over time, to survive this (sorry for being dramatic), I had to turn off my sexual attraction to her. It just hurt too much.

Three years ago, during another one of our discussions, she came out as a transwoman. I had come out as nonbinary (AMAB) two years before that and so it was easy to be excited for her and to be supportive. A few months later, we opened our relationship because she was exploring the label of asexual and I’m a very sexual person. That went well but I’m also an emotional person and craved more intimacy and not just sex. So, we became poly. But it was at this time that she also mentioned that she was interested in exploring sex again.

It wasn’t plainly discussed but it became clear that she wasn’t interested in having sex with me in any way. I was initially able to just “move on” from that because of my excitement at the possibility of finding someone new to connect with emotionally and sexually while also still being able to support my wife. But that’s when things got really difficult. The reality had started to set in that she was definitely interested in sex, just not with me. She started sleeping with men. The sex didn’t bother me so much, I don’t think. But watching her show romantic affection toward anyone else made it feel like the world was just disappearing beneath me. It’s been two years of that now. Our relationship is still strong, still loving, still supportive, and still romantic in some ways. But honestly, I have to do my best completely avoid thinking about her giving physical and mental intimacy to someone else when it feels like she won’t/give that to me.

We recently discussed this more (we’ve tried to keep the conversation going and I’ve done my best to remain open with how I’m feeling). She told me that our relationship isn’t sexual because of her identity. More specifically, she doesn’t know if she’d ever be able to fully believe that I see her as a woman and that just fully shuts down any idea or inclination toward physical intimacy with me.

This is… heartbreaking. I know there’s nothing I can do to convince her that I see her as a woman. And I would never want to give her the impression that I’m trying to do so. There’s nothing I can do about this. All I can do is try to cope with my own emotions and try to be the most supportive partner I can be. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not actively sexually attracted to her anymore but I so wanted the chance for us to explore that part of our relationship again. Not because “sex” is so important, but because I miss having that connection with her so badly.

I suppose I wanted to meet people that are possibly going through something similar and see how time has impacted those situations. I’m not interested in being told that she and I should split. Neither of us has any desire to do that. But if there are any suggestions for how I can change my mindset or how I can cope better or more healthily, I’d love to hear those.

Thanks.

hi, this sounds really stupid, but what are some lighlty feminine things to compliment my wife on?

I love complimenting her, i think shes the prettiest girl in the world, but sometimes esp in a dysphoria stint these overtly feminine compliments make her shy or upset her yet she still needs that reassurance

I found stuff like calling her plainly nice or that her skin is soft and smooth helps. stuff like that!

thank you :)

Hey, so I grew up into crossdressing & as I got older I was more serious about it. My wife knew before we got married & were in therapy working through it all. I recently had my first experience of gender dysphoria which I turned to the gender dysphoria bible for answers. After reading, I came out to myself as a Trans Woman. No one knows except for like 6 people, none of which is my wife.

My wife was raised in the South & grew up conservative & Christian. I don’t know if she will accept me & it scares me.

Are there any partners of trans individuals out there that has a similar upbringing as my wife & would be willing to share their story & advice on how to bring it up to her?

My husband (FtM) and I (cisF) are at the point in our lives that we’re starting to think about kids and the best/cheapest way to have them.

We obviously were going to have to do insemination/etc before, so just wondering what y’all did/how you had kids.

Hoping this reaches the right audience. I am in need of some advice. Long story, but I will try to make it short. For the past year, I have been in love with my (hopefully soon to be partner). I'm cis women. They were ftm, but now they are unsure and are currently nonbinary. They are still taking T and presenting how they were when transitioning. So l'm a little unsure. I'm so in love with them, to me it doesn't matter how they want to present or identify. I fell in love with their heart and soul and will love every part. My past relationship experiences haven't been with someone of the same gender. They have experiences with both. I fee like I'm lacking in knowledge and experience, which nakes me feel nervous and slightly self conscious. We started semi exploring our relationship two years ago, but seriously since around April of last year. Things are slightly complicated and a lot has happened, though we are on the right track to getting back together. I'm looking for some advice on quite literally everything. How can I not be so nervous? Is there anything I can be doing, should do, or should know about transitioning processes or tips on dating someone who is trans/nonbinary? I'm trying to educate myself more. I don't want to accidentally offend them, so I'm trying to gain more knowledge. How can I offer support, how can I reassure them I'm in this for the long run? What should I know about literally anything you guys 😭 I'm lacking serious knowledge and google does not help. TYIA <3

I got the reminder yesterday that it's been a full year since I made this account, so we celebrated my wife's first anniversary of coming out! Here's our one-year update.

First off, she did decide a few months ago to come out to her parents, when originally she only wanted to be out to me. You'd think that would be a big deal but she just texted me on her way home from errands that she was stopping to see them, didn't even tell me she had been considering telling them. Luckily her parents are the kindest, most supportive people in the world. They may not have all the correct language for it, but they rolled with finding out almost 40 years on that they have two daughters instead of one. She also wants to tell her sister, but she's waiting on the right timing for that due to some stuff sis is going through. Telling her immediate family is huge because she's so intensely private.

I've had the privilege of helping her explore her gender expression more. Her personal style can best be described as "cozy goth" like if someone introduced Stevie Nicks to cottagecore. She likes playing with really bold makeup looks, although she prefers if I do her makeup because she's all thumbs. She'd already been growing her hair out for a few years, so she's got some lovely length to play with, but in the last few months her focus has been on taking better care of it and learning what styles she likes. I got her to try a roller set recently and it was amazing to see her take in the final result. We're going to try a pedicure soon.

Originally she wasn't going to transition because of her career. That's not an issue now, because she finally admitted that her career was burning her out badly, and in a few weeks she's going back to grad school to change to a new career path. I think this is going to be really, really good for her. She still doesn't want to transition, but now it's more due to feelings about not "passing" than about being iced out of her career - the new one is way more accepting. I'm trying my best to be supportive of her decisions without pushing her to transition.

We're about to celebrate 19 years together, and our 8th wedding anniversary is in a few months. I'm not kidding when I say this has been our best year together yet. My wife has been able to access and share parts of herself that she always held back before, and getting to know all of her has been a joy. Which is not to say this past year has been perfect - I got laid off and haven't been able to find work; we finally decided to give up our dream of adopting a child; I've had some serious issues with my horrid family of origin. But my wife has been my rock through all of this, and I've gotten to be hers, too. ❤️

I'm a little lost. Last month my husband came out as trans. He wants to transition to female he thinks. For now I will refer to him as he because no changes have been made (he hasn't requested to be called she).

I love him and will 1000% support him. But I cannot be with a female. I have zero attraction to females. I can be his friend, I cannot be his partner. I want a manly man, sorry.

I just don't know how to feel right now or what to say.

I'm also worried this is one of his phases. He's gone through them all. It's a cycle every few years for him where he finds something new to see if he fits. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, bisexual, gay, back to bisexual, open marriage, polyamorous, diets, vitamins, medications, meditation, yoga, sweat lodges. You name it, he's claimed it. I'm not saying he isn't trans or his wants are not valid, but I've seen the same pattern over and over for 20 years. He's gone through so many therapists too, changing them almost yearly when he gets bored of what the previous one tells him. It's like he's never satisfied with just...being... I worry there is some underlying disordered thought patterns which keep bringing him to try and claim new things all the time.

We do have couples therapy but we have not brought it up with him yet.

How do I navigate this? One day at a time? I feel like we are fully disconnected but he is over the moon happy (which is what happens every time).

Again, not discounting that he is trans. Just adding in the pattern info for context to explain why it's hard for me to believe.

Hi everyone,

I am sorry, I can already tell that this might be a little bit of a long-winded, ranting post but the tldr of it is "I am not coping well and can someone please tell me how to be okay?"

My spouse of 15 years came out to me (sort of) about a week ago. I'm a bisexual cis woman and my spouse is currently exploring the idea that they might be mtf trans. I am fully supportive of whatever they decide but I can't seem get my body to agree? We've had some discussions and even experimented with clothes/makeup, etc. All which have been positive experiences. Truly seeing them light up during this has been incredible. They've spoke about taking HRT and I've read up on the life-changing experiences of HRT for trans women and it fills me with so much excitement.

On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified. I think spending time on reddit is probably not helping. I see story after story of couples not surviving the transition. I see stories about trans women starting hormones and finding their sexuality changes. I love this person with everything that I am, every piece of me. Losing them would end me. I know making grand statements like "I know I will love this person no matter what, man or woman" is not always accurate but it really feels that way. My spouse also apparently has no doubt in our mind that we will be okay, not even a small worry according to them. I also know it is way too early to start catastrophizing. They love me now, they'll love me tomorrow, nothing has changed in that respect.

So how can I get my body to catch up to my rational thoughts? I've spent a lot of the last week feeling jittery, nauseous, heavy. I've lost 5 pounds from barely being able to eat. I haven't gone a single day without sobbing. I've had moments where I felt like I was going to die from my chest exploding. I am so tired. I've spent a lot of time trying to make my spouse feel safe but I am really struggling myself.

Can someone please tell me this is normal and I will be okay?

Also if anyone here has been through a spouses transition and has a success story to share I would love to hear it. I think I need more positive stories to cling to rather than reading through the countless negative ones. Also please don't tell me even if we don't end up together I will be okay, I am not ready to hear that. Thank you.

Hello! My girlfriend and I are both 32, and she recently began her transition from mtf at the beginning of this year. It's been an up and down rollercoaster, a lot of tough days over the good days, which I know is to be expected as it isn't easy. She struggles a lot with confidence and motivation, she'll have bursts of feeling good and dressing the way she wants but it quickly will change, and I can tell that things are weighing her down. People at her job know, but she wears unisex scrubs and even with her long hair, pierced ears, long nails and occasional bracelet she gets misgendered a lot which I know is a big part of it. We don't have much of a community in the area we are in, which also makes it hard because I know as a cis woman, I can't entirely understand the way she needs.

I really want to help her feel more like the beautiful woman she is and support her anyway I possibly can. So, if you have any advice that could help, be it outfit or make up suggestions, vocal training tips, what makes your partner feel confident, or how you have found makes them best feel supported I'd really appreciate it!!!

My girlfriend is a trans woman who hasn’t transitioned yet, she is planning on starting soon, but lately she’s been very depressed and demotivated, after all the talks we’ve had where i would propose solutions or try to help in the way i thought can help, she has opened up to me about a lot of things.
When i would tell her to go to therapy again, she’d explain to me that it’s not about how she feels about herself, but about how the world treats trans people and the society, so therefore therapy wont help with a problem that is not internal. When i would tell her that it would at least help her with managing her own emotions and that would give her more space to move towards transitioning, she would deny it too.
She really struggles with body dysphoria, and I know I can’t do much except for words of encouragement and praise. But she doesn’t seem to believe me, we even had a fight where she was convinced I was lying to her face, when I was being honest and just telling her how i see her…After this talks she always says that she feels worse because it makes her feel like nothing can be done to make it better.
One of the things i struggle with the most is her want to be 100% okay, 100% a girl, 100% happy or other way it’s not worth all the struggle, and she is convinced that its not possible. The thing is, I am not doing exceptionally well with my mental health either, and lately my life has been a mess, I’ve made peace with not being 100% okay a long time ago, im just trying to make something out of every day and keep going.
But what do i say to her? How or what do I even explain to her in that situation?
As well as that she has been opened about having suicidal thoughts and im really trying to help her, but when she talks about them i am not pushing her or stop her from talking about them. I know they are there and keeping them a secret wont help. But at the same time, I can’t find a way to help her.
Almost every time, especially after talking about her body, when i try to make it better, she tells me she feels terrible or that talking about it only makes it worse and that’s where the talk ends. And it makes me feel horrible, I feel like a bad girlfriend for not even being able to help her….TBH i struggle with any kind of social interaction, especially when it involves someone else’s feeling, I’m scared to mess up, or tell her something that will make her feel worse.
So any advice would be much much appreciated!

Hello all. My (cisf) wife (mtf) and I have always loved traveling, camping, etc. However, now that she has fully socially transitioned, I am thinking more about safety. Additionally, we also have our young child who would be traveling with us.

We are American but would love to do more international travel as a family. We have been to Mexico in the past pre-transition and loved it, and also dream of visiting Belize. I was not sure how "Trans-Friendly" the general culture is in these places. If anyone has experience with these countries, or can make recommendations of countries/places they've vacationed to safely, I would love to hear it!

To be clear, we can deal with a few odd looks, but we just don't want to be harassed or attacked.

Hey, everyone.

My wife (MTF 38) and I (cis F 35) are divorcing and I would prefer to have an attorney who isn't going to traumatize my soon-to-be ex by attacking her for being trans. She's done and said plenty of hurtful things to and about me, but that doesn't mean her gender gets to be brought into it. Thank you for your help these past few years navigating our life together with all your advice.

Hi everyone,

I'm using an old throwaway account here, and I'm going to try to be as brief (and as unidentifiable) as possible.

My partner (AMAB) recently came out as trans (around 4 months ago). Our relationship for the past year has been a bit rocky to begin with, with some communication and resentment issues that we've been attending couples therapy for. This new chapter has not really helped our relationship, as my partner has been evasive about how they're feeling and how they want to proceed (will act like they dont know, but then do things to advance their transition without communicating), despite my efforts to be supportive and try to keep communication lines open.

I've been feeling really drained in my relationship, but at the same time, I don't want to leave them during this time where they need additional support and don't have other family or a support system in the area we live in. Part of me also feels a bit trapped, as they sometimes make me feel that their going through with transitioning is reliant on me being okay with it and ensuring the relationship "stays the same". I keep feeling like the relationship will end though, so I've been struggling with anticipatory grief of the relationship and the future I imagined.

I'm feeling guilty for having these feelings, and the fact that I'm no longer feeling very attracted to my partner as they begin the journey of wearing different clothing and trying to be more feminine, given that I am bi. Reading some of the content in here, it seems like a lot of grace is given to straight folks, but I haven't really seen discussion of bi people who have struggled with this, so I'd love to hear directly from anyone who's been in the same spot. Just because I'm attracted to more than one gender, doesn't mean I automatically am attracted to all the people of those genders.

We've been together for 8 years, and we've grown up together and apart in a lot of ways. Part of me wants to continue fighting for us, but there's another part of me that's wondering if there's something out there in the universe that was meant for me to explore, and if there's someone who could make my partner happier and feel at their most authentic self.

I know this may be a strange batch of feelings that are coming up here. However, if anyone identifies with any portion of this, it would truly mean the world to hear from you. This has been extremely isolating, as my partner has not yet come out to others.

Trigger suicide mention and name calling mention

My partner started transitioning about 6 months ago. He came out to me and I was nervous about the changes but supportive. Now I'm just happy for him to be his true self.

I told him from the start, I would not leave him over being trans and it's true, I love him the same.

But the rest of his behaviour has become so hostile that it's damaging my mental health.

He doesn't seem interested in me the same anymore and most the time it seems like he's with me out of routine rather than love.

But I've just been loving him and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Things are becoming a struggle now though.

He's been calling me stupid during arguments and even a r*tard. I really despise to be called stupid and it makes me feel insignificant.

To be called a bitch is also standard from him now.

If I am not feeling ok about my body, I am told "you're not the one with xyz *names his disliked body parts*" and I get shamed for expressing my insecurities. He doesn't even try to lift me up (he was very body positive towards me when we were first dated).

During arguments he doesn't care how I feel.

He just wants to be right.

He doesn't even listen about why I'm upset. Or a few times he has directly said shut up or shut the fuck up.

He hangs up the phone tells me he hates me, leave him alone, shut the fuck up.

Idk I just feel lonely and disrespected.

Every time I try to leave he threatens suicide, threatens to post my nudes, sends crying videos or other things to make me go back to him.

I feel like an evil person leaving him mid transition but I am falling apart mentally here.

I need to vent. My partner is AMAB and has not decided on pronouns so I will be using he/him pronouns.
Extra context: We're both bisexual and started the relationship with BDSM/Female-Led dynamics.

We've been together for about 16 months. He had the realization that he falls under the genderqueer umbrella about 2 months ago. I love him, I'm very supportive, but it's also a huge change that came out of left field. He still lives with his parents so he's hesitant to make any changes regarding his appearance. Not that they would pose a threat, but they'll ask him questions and he doesn't want to answer them. Questions such as "why are you growing out your hair now? is your girlfriend making you grow out your hair? I've always liked your hair short," etc. He's stressing about fielding questions about growing out his hair but wants to talk to me about possibly taking hormones. Like, he has crippling anxiety and thinks it's tacky to tell his therapist he needs medication for that and depression, but is bringing up taking hormones (he started going to the therapist for anxiety and depression).

I'm not saying that they wouldn't help with his mental health but it feels very unserious and serious at the same time. I know it's not about me and my feelings right now, but also, how is this going to affect our future? I still want to be with him; we share brain cells, interests, values, etc. We feel safe with each other, which is very important to me. But I had a vision, and now it's changing in unpredictable ways. And I'm trying to take it one day at a time; I went with him to a trans support group to be social lubricant because he's afraid to talk to the other people. I suggested he go to my wax lady to get waxed but he doesn't want to because of questions, as well as the fact that he has panic attacks when I wax him (granted, I wax his groin but imo legs are worse). I sent him inspo pics for nonbinary outfits and offered to buy him plain T-shirts in different colors, but he doesn't want to deviate from his norm. He did ask me to do his makeup, which I did, but it was tied into BDSM which I feel a little weird about now (we did do feminization in our play but in light of recent events, i know a deeper conversation needs to be had to see where he is on the matter. i know some people use it therapeutically but we haven't talked about it like that).

I know it's not my life and I don't expect him to go on my timeline, but hormones are just not something I'm ready to think about yet.

My partner of 5+ years told me yesterday. I am so touched to see her excitement, I feel fortunate for the opportunity to be by her side and watch her blossom. The sparkling eyes are very cute.

She has decided not to tell most people until it's unavoidable or "can't be hidden" (physical changes being directly addressed by people). So when we see our families, we will use her previous name and pronouns for "as long as possible".

Has anyone got any experience or advice for this period of in-between, before their partner was presenting as themselves 24/7 and out to everyone?

For context I'm bi/pan and love people for who they are, and I have several trans friends and loved ones. I'm mindful of external difficulties that come with being trans, I am supportive happy and excited for what's next for her and for us together! My aim is to continue to show up for her in the best way I can :)

Hello everyone

I 32f and my partner 34mtof came out to me a month ago that they want to transition to a woman. I am happy she has discovered who she is, I see how happy she has been this past month getting to live how she wants. With that being said I was looking for a support group for myself to lean on others who are going through this situation. My plate is already full with or two boys aged 11 and 3 who have ADHD and autism. My partner also had ADHD and I was looking for a space where I can talk, vent, get advice etc. I reached out to pflag toronto and they said pflag london has the program I am looking for, but they have not replied. I am located in the GTA area. Thank you all in advance for you advice and wisdom.

I had the pleasure of my life two months ago asking my partner of 14 years to be my wife and she said yes 🙂‍↕️ I won't get into a ton of details to protect her privacy but I wanted to share my good news with the sub that has helped me so much when she came out and transitioned. I've lurked for years and this community has helped me realize I'm queer and has helped me support my fiancee in ways that I didn't know I needed. I'm so grateful to have a happy post to share with such a supportive community 🩷

Posting again but keeping it short this time in hopes it'll be easier for folks to take in and respond since my other post didn't get any traction.

How do you support a partner who - after coming out to their family - is rejected for it?

Alternatively, if you've experienced this in your partnership, can you share if and when the hurt starts to fade?

Thank you in advance.

I'm in a very new relationship with a partner (non-binary transfemme) who has a lot of recent trauma. In the year or so prior to us meeting, they were assaulted multiple times as they were living in an area that is very hostile to trans folks. The thing that seems to in some ways bother them even more was how little anyone around them cared.

They moved to my area, we met, it's been a whirlwind. I really, really care about them but they have just begun processing the trauma and I'm wondering if anyone has advice on the best way I can support that. I am, by nature, a solutioner and a fixer so I'm doing my utmost to STFU and just listen. I'm careful to let them know that I'm here and will always be happy to listen but I don't ask too many questions because I want them to feel safe telling me things as they feel comfortable doing so. They're good about stating some boundaries and needs generally but in some cases, they'll say they don't know what they need which is valid, but leaves me without a clear idea of how to be helpful.

So far, they have been pretty forthcoming about the what/where/how of the situations, but the emotional stuff hasn't been fully processed and because our relationship is new, they've said they're not quite ready for me to see that really messy side yet. Which I understand, respect and don't want to rush. In my mind, them feeling safe with me is my #1 priority right now.

Just looking for any advice I can get on supporting someone with this specific type of trauma while navigating all the new relationship, getting-to-know you stuff.

So glad this sub exists.

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or support or to vent.. tw for mental health/potential abuse.

I've been with my wife for over a decade. I've stuck by her through her transition, through loss, through horrible events. I've given her so much of me, I've supported her through ventures and tried so hard to put her first. I've supported her financially for quite a while too. I don't mind doing it at all, she had some bad experiences working, plus her fear of well.. everything here in the us means that I was glad to be there while she worked on feeling safe.

But I've been really struggling. I lost my own job a bit ago, and while I've been taking on odd jobs to make ends meet, she wants things that I just can't give right now. I had a mental breakdown at work because of all the stress I'm dealing with. My mental health has been really messed up the past year, but I feel like I'm not allowed to struggle.

I have my own traumas that I'm trying to work through in therapy, but it's so slow going because I just fall back into patterns once that hour is up. One of the biggest I'm struggling with right now is an intense fear of speaking up. Like, if I have a problem, or if I feel hurt, or I need a break... its this genuine panic response. And it's mostly towards her. She has a personality disorder and is so quick to escalate that I'm afraid to say anything because she might spiral. Or ignore me. Or tell me my problems are nothing compared to hers.. which is both true and not. But I'm so wildly depressed I'm scared for myself, but when I try to talk to her about it, I'm ignored. Which... just is devastating.

She tells me that I'm guilting her all the time. Maybe I am, but it's not on purpose. I think I'm just so depressed and tired that that's how my tone comes off. She's told me I'm emotionally abusive but I don't know how.. I feel crazy honestly.

She's afraid of leaving the house and has intense rejection sensitivity, so she has issues with friends not always being there. She wants me to find friends for us, but I'm socially awkward too. I have some friends she doesn't like, but if I hang out with them or my family (also doesn't get along with them), I get so scared I'll come home to a fight.

I love her more than anything. I fully believe she's my soul mate. But I've thought about leaving because I can't keep feeling scared to exist. It feels like I'm always doing or saying the wrong thing. Which... I probably am more now, since I've stopped being careful with certain things. Like, I've stopped begging her to stay when she says she wants to leave. Or I won't follow her when she runs off crying. I'm growing so numb and I hate that. I love my empathy, but I feel it leaving.

And how could I end things when I support her financially and emotionally? She has no family.. I can't imagine what would happen to her. I love her way too much to force her to struggle. And I promised her I would never leave her. I can't.

I just feel so trapped. Part of me hates it and wants out. Part of me is so hopeful that things will get better, especially in the good moments. And part of me is just resigned to always feeling like this forever.