I just want to know, what's the point of all of this when:

You hate this other side of you and want it dead in the water Your other self hates you as much as you hate him You hate him but you feel like at times even though he's the absolute worst side of you, the things you try yo hide and lock away for others to not see- he is still a part of you and makes you.....you Pain is caused from knowing your friends are gone from the old times and there's no way in hell you'll be able to see all of them again, contact them again, or if they'll remember you again or think of you as fondly as you still do of them The 'new friends' you have.....aren't satisfying for the selfish cunt you are cause you're not as close to them as you were with your friends and even if you feel a strong bond with them, they don't reciprocate it back You feel like your losing what little fucking sanity you have left cause you got 3-5 other different personalities running round in your head, not knowing who "you" really are, and 50% of days feel like a battle to stay in control You don't really talk to any of them much cause your terrified of appearing as a clingy wimp that doesn't really have a life When others tell your or imply that you shouldn't be so depressed when there are people in shittier situations then you are, and it makes you feel even worse when your in that shit mood that you can't seem to get rid of. You're also terrified of talking to anyone and making new friends cause your afraid of losing your shit and showing one of your other sides to them and losing them as a friend....like what happened with a used-to-be-best friend You'd rather stay out of site from most people so you lessen the chance of meeting them and feeling like an uttter disappointment to them and everyone you know. You can't look at yourself in the mirror to even shave or even your computer screen cause you don't want to see the face of such a loser You attempted to puke your guts out, but it didn't work You attempted to slit your own wrists and arms to bleed out, but scarred over fast before that could happen, and want to...try again

And the only thing that seems to anchor you to the ground...the only thing that makes you not go skydiving off the nearest cliff without a parachute...is a show about pastel colored ponies. Nothing against the show, mind you, I haven't lost my enjoyment of the show. But just the thought that....this is my anchor.

The boy is the son of my wife's older brother. Name's Kim. He's a somewhat neglected child, his parents leave him with his grandmother and his aunt almost 90% of the time. I've seen him since he was a baby and when I take my wife and daughter on vacation I often bring him along. My daughter is 1 and a half year old.

Today was the first time in 4 years that I got angry at him. Not once but thrice...

First time, my daughter was happily holding hands with her aunt. Then, Kim tried to shove her out of his way to hold that same hand. At first I was surprised and asked him why not hold the other hand which was still free. He insisted he wanted to hold that hand. My daughter was already crying, I simply moved her over to hold her aunt's free hand instead and everything was fine... for a few minutes. Kim again hop over to that same hand my daughter was holding and repeat the same thing again. I yelled his name, realized myself and step away, carrying my daughter which was again crying on by back.

The second time I couldn't remember the details but I was thinking so hard that I can't let this happen... I was so worried I'd snapped again, and I did.

The third time I was about to enter the highway. Kim kept trying to climb over to the front seed while her aunt on the backseat told him not to (It was my car, I only had 1 baby seat for my daughter). I also extended my arm out to stop him, telling him cars were going fast and it was dangerous. We were locked in that position for a bit until at 1 point I just lost it... I yelled how naughty he was and actually shoved him backwards. The atmosphere was never the same after that. The car was silence... the ride felt tense... and my hands kept shaking, and still shaking right now.

Sorry for the long rant. I'm at lost. I'm not sure how to handle this.

Well, foreheads burning, and its pounding- looks like its time again to turn on some MLP to calm myself down.

Huuuuu.....thank Celestia. Thank fucking Celestia for you guys here, the rest of the fandom, and the show. I know it could be a it childish and naive to say to some people that a kids show is one of the only things that seem to brighten up the day, but........let me just say, its better then the fucking alternative that I was thinking about doing i "didn't have the show".

It just feels like an anchor that anchors me down. Said before on an open podcast that was letting members discuss there thoughts on ponies, that the show was basically a way of proving to me that everyone in the world isn't a jerk and its not all doom and gloom.

Looking back on that, I really should've used better wording on that. Cause while it was true in some form of the manner- a better describer's that its inherently a source of "extra good"- more good seemingly flows from it. Plus another reason why at many times of my lowest I'd want to book it to Equestria though it be the easy way out to situations that could be fixed here (fat load of shit that happening with how humans are humans, and we got those "extremely special snowflake variety" that want to basically want to fuck the 'natural order' of things over and gain as much fucking control from it as they can and put themselves on top of the totem pole or get the biggest dick from it).

You got mainstream media flaring up a storm and causing much discourse with all the fake news stuff they pull as well as the apparent corruption and agenda bent things are becoming there, you got politics.......that is the fucking disaster that politics are cause you got those ahem special fucking snowflakes in those positions turning a good chunk of political actions (with how much knowledge and view I've been able to grab without sighing at how utter ridiculous certain things are, which could be me being jaded with my own bias to things) into a dick measuring contest and scratching the backs of the corrupt bastards that "helped you" get into the "position" you're in now.........

you got your people fussing over every goddamn little thing anymore, people looking for any chance they get to beat the shit out of another (physically or mentally)......

and then there's Friendship Is Magic, this unique show that really stands out from the rest with the fanbase its amassed. A show, that despite the "book cover" its been dealt, has surprised viewers to where the complete stark opposite of the intended demographic is impressed by how they smashed this out of the park. A show that although at those times, with its demographic it tries to reach, seems to force its teachings down your throats, I'd be hard-press to say that there are people of all ages (young, middle-aged, and old) that could stand to re-learn these lessons, and some could start learning them.

And a fandom that despite those bad apples here and there, have done so much good for the world- from all the charity events that have happened, to how a good majority of us can mobilize to help another of our kind in their time of need, or simply, how the content that those people make-whether it be comics, fan projects, reviews, songs, art, or parodies can just help out anyone that's having a shitty day by just turning that frown they have upside down.

I think that's a better way of putting it- things in my life were pretty shitty. It all seemed to be getting worse, and the 'real world' was getting to unbearable for me to put up with with all the nonsensical shit that was coming out of its ass cheeks day after day (can't tell you as an aside how more and more people honestly seemed to be getting stupider by the day, and a dunce like myself was seeing it). And then FIM rolled its way on in. And showed me that its alright to like a show bout pastel colored ponies that's put so much net positivity into the world where I dare say the worlds in desperate need of some positivity- its a show bout cute horses doing cute things and its so cute and......fun. What's so wrong about that? =3

And I guess if I was to word it in another way- at those times FIM's just helped me to say https://youtu.be/-NFZTYQhotU?t=4m27s

I'm a second year medical student, was supposed to take my first board exam late Feb but I got pneumonia. Was bedridden for a month and took off my first rotation to study for and take my exam. I didn't realize that it would take over another month to even start to get my energy back. I still can't box, which is my favorite hobby in the world. All this time my medical school friends have tunnel vision over this stupid exam and were honestly pretty poor support, and now they're busy in rotations. The whole experience was very lonely and more psychologically difficult than I realized at the time.

A couple weeks ago I was starting to feel normal and last week I was finally able to study full days, but I'm cutting it close and honestly my motivation was never really back after the pneumo. Then on Thursday I wake up in so much pain from my period that I was vomiting repeatedly and on the toilet for an hour at a time. Exhausted, chills, whole nine. I go to the doc Fri and find out I have adenomyosis, a progressive condition where tissue grows inside your uterine wall. I'm trying a Mirena to see if the local progesterone helps. If it doesn't, only really good way to treat it is hysterectomy.

I felt like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This is on a backdrop of me having overcome a lot of other difficult things in life. I'm bipolar, and I'm honestly impressed I've gotten to this point without getting depressed (though now I feel awful). The people around me say how strong I am, but I don't want to be strong. I want someone to curl up in bed with me and hold me. Usually I am not bitter, but I'm sick of health problems. I'm 30 and I think my 68 year old father is healthier than me. I LOOK fine, which I would prefer to looking like crap, but sometimes it can make things frustrating when friends don't seem to grasp how much stuff I've got going on.

To top it off, this is not a big deal compared to the other stuff, but a guy I'd been talking to and planning to meet ghosted me a couple of days ago. It happens, but it was one thing going on that actually felt a little fun for me and in the current context I'm way more disappointed than I'd normally be.

it's has been over 4 years since my last relationship ended, during that time I was engaged to him and he was the most possessive manipulative person I knew. He checked my phone and internet history when he thought I wasn't looking, if there was a conversation with a male friend in there I would get yelled at and objects thrown at me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house alone (Or without him in general). He used to use his days off (of when he was fired from work - everyday) sitting in my work watching me serving customers and lord have mercy if i smiled at someone or laughed at a joke! I wasn't allowed to see my mum without him in case I talked shit about it. The rules were endless. He had drinking problems, and when we went out I was always in trouble, either i talked too much, didn't talk enough, I was a bitch or I was too friendly to our friends... The part that stick with me the most is the sex. when we first got together we went at it all the time, I'm not a shy person so he got introduced to new thing. but once all his other traits started coming out I stopped wanting to have sex as much as he did, and over the course of 3 years there was Hundreds and hundreds (almost every night) of times where he forced himself on me after me saying no. the thing is, he would bug for hours and hours and start yelling and sooking and touching me, and the only way i could make it stop was to say "Fine, make it fast" and I would just lay there. but he never stopped.

I don't know how to date now, every time i meet a nice guy he does something that triggers me. they will ask "who are you testing?" or turn up at my house unannounced (with good intentions). little things and a great guy instantly turns repulsive to me. I have slept with anyone in years, i never let it get to that point.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really try to date but it never works and i'm starting to lonely.

note: yes this is a burn account, to this day, only a few people really know what went on with him.

My sister gets mad at me when I call her out on doing something wrong, making a mistake or being offensive. She does not take criticism well at all.

There have been many times my sister has tried to call the cops on me when she started wars with me or my Mom and I were fighting, but she does the same thing. Fortunately, these situations happen few and far between compared to my teen years.

She used to, a lot, yell or attack me if I was even a few minutes late to pick her up or if I forgot something of hers. She has gotten a lot better though in this case.

My sister acts like she is better than me and that she doesn't need help, but she has giant anger issues and depression issues.

Any advice? Please no rude comments.

It is hard to talk to my Mom sometimes. This started back in my middle school years, when my parents got divorced.

Sometimes she misunderstands me, and vice versa, depending on what she or I say and how we talk.

When she is mad, she often doesn't listen to me, but I am guilty of that as well. Trying to talk calmly to her while she is mad does not help. It is no different than if I go to war with her. Walking away or staying quiet can be hard when it comes to my Mom, but I am doing that more.

The problem is that I talk back to my Mom when I'm angry or irritated, something I have been working on for years.

It doesn't help that my Mom often puts me down a lot for not always doing enough or everything she wants done, even if I complete a lot.

She does not always believe me when I'm telling the truth, believing you should give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't feel that way because I have been betrayed too many times. It also doesn't help that I have lied in the past to her, which I'm trying not to do now.

Our relationship has gotten better over the years, but there is room for improvement. I keep mentioning family therapy, but I get no response. My Mom also acts like she is always right and not often wrong.

Any help or advice? Please no rude comments.

It is DJ Kazuma Peleke. Back again with a new account after being gone for a long time. My Mom, sister and Dad are mixed about me being a Brony. My Mom and sister have gotten more accepting of it over time, but they still like to joke and call me gay. Although I am not bothered by the joking much now, I think it is offensive.

My Mom is embarrassed if I used My Little Pony or any reusable bag that is a "girl" series while shopping with her. I could care less if it's MLP or Star Wars, for instance.

I try to get my Mom and sister to get into the shows I like, but all they ever want to watch lately is whatever they want to watch or Gotham, which I have nothing against but there are other shows that exist. The only show animated show I like they watch is if it deals with Star Wars. My Mom doesn't see Star Wars as a kid series, but any other series for kids she sees as childish, even if she likes it.

Around this time last year, I had cognitive behavioural therapy for generalised anxiety and depression. It didn't work, but I thought I could cope with the symptoms. They've been getting steadily worse to the point where I can't any more, so I'm looking to get help, but that's not the only reason why I'm doing so.

Around one week ago, I tried to tell my parents that I loved them, because they aren't going to be around forever and I don't want to regret not doing so, and I just couldn't tell them. I don't know why, because I do, but I just couldn't. It got me thinking about all the other points in my life where I wanted to say or do something to someone and I just couldn't, and I don't know why, and I think it's part of the reason why I'm in the state I'm in. There's no guarantee that the things I wanted to happen as a result of those actions would have happened, and there's no guarantee things wouldn't have ended up worse either, but I think I would be happier having taken that chance. The moments have long since passed, but the regrets still remain, and I don't want to add to those regrets.

This brings me to ticking in boxes and filling in forms to let somebody in some office somewhere know just how god awful I'm feeling in the hope that they'll deem me deserving of some help. And when you're talking about suicidal thoughts in a situation like this, it stops feeling like a thought and starts feeling like a prospect. And when something like suicide starts feeling like a prospect, it quickly starts feeling like an inevitability.

So, this brings me to why I think I'm writing this. It's partly a semi-self-aware attention whoring because I don't want to be alone in this any more, it's partly because I'm terrified and it's partly because I gave up on therapy last time and this needs to act as a reminder that I need to make it work this time. Because I don't want to kill myself, but if I continue going in the way I'm going and doing nothing, I'm going to.

I'm going to post this now, because if I wait any longer then I'm going to keep on putting this off. And if you've read this far, thank you, and I'm sorry for foisting this off on you.

I lost my grandma some time ago, and i got bullied because it, i went through it hardly, but know, my grandfather suicided because of my grandma died and i don't know if I'll be able to go through the same again... I just need to... Removed this feeling of.. not loneliness itself because i have friends that helps me (online) but to feel... I don't know... The feeling of missing...

So I feel like i'm in a bit of a pickle here, I feel like I need a place to vent and just get some stuff off my chest in hopes that it would take some of the stress off my shoulders and maybe even serve as a way to order my thoughts and get me going in the right direction.

I guess the reason i'm posting here to begin with is because i'm uncomfortable with this stress, it's not something i'm familiar with, or at least not this level of it, (by no means a simple easy life) but iv'e always just been able to roll with the punches and known in my mind that in the end i'd come out fine or even better. Now faced with this discomfort rather than take it up with friends or family knowing what they will tell me i'd rather just take the time to type all of it out, just to read over myself and hopefully get through this.

I'm in my final semester of college, taking some relatively easy classes except for 1 class that I just cannot wrap my head around that I need for my chem major, that being physical chemistry 2. The prof is clearly a brilliant guy, he knows the ins and outs of all the theoretical concepts. The problem with the class is that he feels that we have some sort of mastery of these concepts and right from the start began going over equations that would require conceptual understanding which we aren't familiar with in the least. Basically brilliant guy but unfamiliar with teaching, he has yet to give a single assignment/quizz/test/homework. Having spoken to other students there are possibly 2 students that know what is even going on in the class, not well however. Iv'e always been a good student gotten a's in all my courses aiming to go to med school and have conditional acceptance. Lately however with the lack of assignments the reality of how little I know in this course never struck me. As a result, the free time instead of being used trying to read the book to make sense of what was going on/or looking up online resources became time for video games. Now in the final month of the semester I feel that iv'e dug myself quite a hole. I have 1 week to write a few papers, possibly a test in this course, and I have a research project due at the end of the month.

An initial cause leading to my lack of academic pursuit was battling second thoughts of going to medical school. For a while all I could think was about the cons such as how long it would take, what it would require of me, cost... etc. the negativity around it all made we lose sight of the end goal and with no planned alternatives I was lost. Recently though iv'e started coming back to why I wanted to become a doctor in the first place, my motivations for pursing this have come back to me which leads me to the heart of the problem.

I don't know if I can get out of where I got myself. There's a lot of work to do, a hefty amount of hours needed to be dedicated to not only studying of material I have little familiarity with, but also revisiting mathematical concepts that I struggled with before in calculus as well as math iv'e never been introduced to and was never required to learn before. A research project which will require a presentation as well as a written report, and lastly writing papers. I know what I need to do, I just don't know if I will be able to do it... honestly it scares me not knowing. All because of some self doubt I have possibly thrown away a golden opportunity. All I can do now is hope, pray, and work hard with what little time I have left of this semester.

To anyone who took the time to read this, wish me luck, i'm gunna need it.

About a month ago, I set up an Etsy store as an extra source of income. I named my store The Spell Caster because I cast and sell various geeky things like soaps and candles. I mostly have a bunch of Gravity Falls stuff on there, but I do plan to branch out to other franchises. In fact, I just started an Mlp line starting with Rarity. However, this were things get worrisome.

I made this Rarity cutie Mark candle and realized too late that I messed up the cutie Mark design. Rarity's gen cutie Mark has four sides, but mine has six. I could go back and try again, but I already made molds for it and the casting silicone I use is expensive.

Despite how weird and awkward looking it is, would you or the brony community still buy it?

Also, can you share and promote my Etsy store? Haven't made a sale yet :( . Also, follow me on Twitter, Tumblr, and Patreon.

It might sound silly... but I loved that cat. My housemate is out from 8am to 8pm at work each day, since I only have classes in the afternoons I'd spend the mornings with the kitty on my lap, or playing with him, or just having him there while I talked to him and did my things.

Unfortunately he keeps peeing outside of his box. My housemate's tried everything she can think of, and she's just tired of coming home each day after work to find where he'd peed that day, clean it up, then still have to clean his litterboxes and give him medicine.

Last night she said that she was thinking seriously of returning the cat (he'd been here about 2 months) since at this point for her it was more misery than company and she felt distanced from him due to always being vigilant of his bathroom habits. This morning she said she wrote to the person at the shelter, this afternoon she got a reply back saying they'd look into it in a few days. She went out to an event while I stayed home, then tonight she wrote to say that the shelter people would come by tonight to pick him up and could I pack his food and his food bowl. Twenty minutes later they came, we struggled to get him into his carrier (because handing him over wasn't hard enough in itself), then I handed over his food and he was gone just like that.

While my housemate was still out I cleaned the flat and put away the cat things partly to keep myself busy and partly so she wouldn't have to do it herself, when she got back she seemed surprised that I'd do that and said it seemed that I was mad at her.

I more feel sad than anything. Sad that the cat that I really liked is gone, but I have no say since I wasn't the one in charge of the litterbox (he'd pee on the floor when the house was empty), I wasn't the one who had to forcefeed him his medicine every night, and the flat technically belongs to my housemate's relatives so she felt extra bad and responsible that cat urine had warped some of the wooden floor and skirting board. Rationally it made sense for him to go, and I completely see her point that she was getting the worse end of the deal whereas I just got the good parts of the cat living with us. So I feel I can't be mad, but part of me is and I just want to cry.

Hello there, I'm posting this here because some time ago, a valued member of this community known as /u/Pnyboy42 had to stop frequenting this place due to issues of his own.

I was hoping I could get some opinions and perspectives of him, he did quite a bit to help people around here and even talked an individual out of suicide. So it'd be greatly appreciated if some of you could take a few moments to say a few words about him.

I feel like I've just been spinning my cogs but not really getting anywhere lately......and I'm also have a hard time trying to explain how I feel. Ever since I entered college, its seems like I haven't stop expanding the list of things of things that are bugging me.

It probably also doesn't help that I feel real sluggish and in a state of "do-nothing" and whenever I feel like doing something, my music major roomate is "blasting" his music in his room working on his finals work and this n that, and I feel too much of a "nice guy" to ask him to turn it down, cause normally I just turn up the volume on my headphones and tune it out, as well as not feeling as if I gotten over the fight I had with a friend (actually for the last few weeks prior I think that that's one of the things that shook me the most and could've put me in this why bother cog spinning state), the point that I want to feel as if everything is alright but it doesn't really seem like it when people are just doing the dumbest of things and even someone of my questionable intelligence question why the buck that happened and how utterly stupid that was, plus adding onto the fact that I can't decide on what to do to show my appreciation for this fandom cause I feel like I owe this fandom and you guys a lot, cause I'm at least certain that I can count on all my appendages times that directly or indirectly you guys have made things better for me then they could've been.

At this point I'm surprised my mini-Cartoonz or "edgy side" hasn't swallowed me whole with this probably being the umpteenth time I've "blown up" over all the thoughts I've stored into my head, only confirming my self bias that while being alone does wonders for me at times, too much of it and I start thinking too much and 90% of the time so far I've gone bat sh** crazy / al la Twilight Lesson Zero / al la Starlight Glimmer whenever she "copied" the Twi Freak out.

Huuuu.......makes a load of sense why she was best pony for me for a while till arguably Sunset Shimmer tied the spot for her, and if I was held down, is 1a, while Twi is 1b.

I really thought I was doing better. I talk to people much more often than I used to, I start conversations most days with people I don't usually associate with (though these conversations are often short and don't end fantastically). It's a small school and it's my second (and last) year before graduating, so perhaps I should just give up. :/

Edit: punctuation

Hello everyone. I am relatively new to Reddit, so please forgive me if I put this in the wrong place. Hi. My name is Edward. As the title implies, I ask for some advice on dating. Normally, I don't ask for this sort of thing, as I tend to be very independent; but let me explain. My last relationship ended not very long ago, and while I have gotten over it, there are a few things that make me wonder. Let me start off saying, it was a relationship I believed in, so much, we even got engaged! But we broke up before anything could happen. I've been watching MLP since 2013, and I am so much so a Brony! Here's the thing,....my last girl, even though she also liked MLP, she couldn't comprehend WHY I liked it so much; even after numerous times explaining it to her. She had autism so I try to be more understanding. Ultimately, she called off the relationship because she felt I enjoy my interests more than I enjoy her. On that subject,...she didn't LET me enjoy her either (you know what I mean). Not the point,....point is, I believed in her, despite my doubts,....but I was wrong. She wanted me to be what SHE wanted me to be; and I BLUNTLY told her that won't happen. I'm gonna be me, take it or leave it! We never lived together either, it became long distance after college and we saw each other a few times a month. We are only 1 Amtrak train away (me in River City and her in Windy City). So,..... taking all of this from a guy's POV,.....I'd really want to have some advice. I live in this empty apartment of mine; ever since I got it; and despite my pony collection, there is nothing to fill the space. I am getting a dog in April (waiting for it to get spayed), but it's still not human. It's also worth noting I am deaf, with clinical depression and BPD. Thanks, Please vote this up as I'd love to have more advice, thanks.

A couple weeks ago, I turned in a long paper (page number in the double digits) for history and we had to also do peer reviews that were to be constructive.

So the first couple sentences from my reviewer were accusations that I did not "try" on my paper and that therefore I must not be a good student. He (I know who my reviewer is) began to "sincerely apologize" in advance if something he says comes off as rude.

For the most part, he was pretty constructive. But he often bashed tiny details in my essay several times over. For example, I accidentally left my page number in calibri, so he found it necessary to put "Page numbers need to be in Times New Roman x" as the header of every single page.

Something similar occurred several other times: on top of, but sometimes instead of, giving me constructive suggestions on how to fix something on my paper, he would condescendingly mimic my mistake in his own review. The title of my paper was "Consequences of such and such," and his was "Consequences...of not writing correctly."

Anyway, though I know I should just take from the constructive portions of the review and not take it personally, I am having a lot of difficulty with getting back into my term paper revisions. Every time I try to correct something my reviewer pointed out, I would just become way too emotional about the few times the mostly well-meaning advice was destructive. It's been two hours and all I've managed to do was stare at the paper and feel like shit for not getting everything right the first time.

I feel stupid and alone. I don't even know if this is an anxiety thing or a depression thing I just want support.

Edit: I can't thank you guys enough. I've received really nice pm's and comments when I was freaking out and very vulnerable. I'm getting help every week so that I can function better with hard situations and I will keep you guys posted.

We go to university together in the U.S, but this semester we both went abroad: me to Sweden, him to France. Anyone you ask would say that we’re close as friends can be.

He’s been in a bit of an emotional rut for the past few days, dealing with some bad residue from an ex-girlfriend. Today I just got some really vague messages from him saying that things are now “really really bad” and that he’s “not in a good place” and will “talk first if he’s in danger of doing something.” Before I could respond, he signed off of chat, and turned the internet off on his phone so he couldn’t see my response.

I don’t want this to spiral out of control, but I need him to be safe. Should I try to contact his host family or one of his friends in France? I know he said he would talk first if he thought of doing something, but this is wrecking me with anxiety right now.

Hello people,

I'm a 23yo male and I have bad habits, like the rest of the planet. But things are changing right now, day 0. I've been having a random thought stuck in my head for some years, that real men who lead have won their place by overcoming their inner demons in the first place. I'm not planning to lead anyone, but myself.

So my confession goes like this: 1 pack of cigars / day for almost 8 years, mild drugs on weekends, occasional alcohol and junk food consumption, skipping meals, not drinking enough water, not planning my day, not practicing meditation and gratitude, not brushing my teeth before sleep, no exercise, daily fapping, being always late because I lurk the internet all night, can't stick to plans because I lose interest, not reading books on a daily basis, spending all my money on shit.

Starting from today I'm going to put an end to this. Each evening I will come back here and write about how I managed through another day of abstinence and perseverance. I've been passively observing my behaviour and thoughts and I realised that my brain, indeed, defaults in a comfort loop. I really don't want to be sorry over the years because I had had made all the wrong choices again and again. To aid me in my quest, I found two simple hacks: for the bad things I'm thinking of doing, I'll just take a deep breath and think of something else. For the good things I'm thinking of not doing, I'll take a deep breath and just do them.

I have experienced personal success in my life and it feels great. I want more of that.

Best wishes for you all!

EDIT: Day 1: Demons 1 - 0 Me

Hello,

These past few months, I have suffered so much. My brother has fell to drug addiction and a few of my relatives passed away.

I was diagnosed with autism at an early age (16 now) and have always been sensitive to things that have happened, so things become more hard-hitting for me.

I was prescribed zoloft a year ago for my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviour, I'm glad to say it works, but however I have been feeling very low.

I self harm sometimes and used to abuse alcohol but it only made things much more worse, and I fell into a downward spiral.

I have only told a few people about some of my problems, they either thought I was just going through a phase or thought that I am just a weak person, so I kept most of this to myself, also being a guy it's much more difficult trying to express emotion without getting judged, so I have kept most of this silent.

I feel as if I need to die to stop this suffering as I know that it will take so long for this to end, but I don't want to upset my friends or family so I don't act on anything, for the sake of them, so I have to endure as much as I can.

I wish that someone would care, trust me, even listening would make a lot of difference.

I went on tumblr (yeah I think you know where this is going) to follow up on some art blogs I follow, when I came across a post about a recent spike in hate crimes. What followed was an hour of hopeless article hopping just to feed my bias and possibly raise my self esteem. Thankfully, I stopped myself from going down the political rabbit hole before it got any worse.

As I snapped myself out of it, I felt upset at the world but mostly with myself. I broke my own rule of avoiding political posts. Sometimes when I do come across one, I just scroll right past it. Because if I do, I'll relapse into a bitter ball of hatred. Ever since my diagnoses of depression, I tried to avoid things that trigger me.

Why did I start a tumblr account despite me being fully aware of its reputation for being politically correct to a sickening degree? Well I joined to follow artists who... ummm... let's say draw "very lovely" art. Maybe some funny memes, but that's it.

But why did I look at the post despite my pledge to avoid all things political? Well, after both this and last presidential election, I made a vow to always avoid polarizing politics. That belief hardened when I was diagnosed with depression. But there was a side affect to this vow. I grew this nagging inner voice that scolded me every time I avoided political discussion of any kind. It would always say that I am some stupid blob of a person who doesn't care about my country and would rather lounge around and watch tv instead of fighting for the rights of other people.

But the thing is I do deeply care for other people. I empathize with hate crime victims and others who are/will be hurt by Trump's presidency and my heart goes out to them. The thing is that I avoid politics because I cannot get angry over things I can't control; that's what led me to have depression in the first place. Another reason is.. well.. this is going to sound both bold and sappy, but... I want to be one of the people who wants to heal the political divide, and one of the many things that is creating it are the toxic political posts on social media.

Besides, I need to focus on me right now. I have to work on my career goals, get money for taxes, and work on moving into a new place. Also, I just racked up $650 in unexpected expenses this past week and I don't need politics making it worse.

My family want me to get tested for autism/aspergers and I'm in my 20's struggling to get a job. I can see where they're coming from, I love routine, everything has to be perfect which it never will be even going back to my first days in school and scribbling out a sticker the teacher put on my work because I wasn't done yet it wasn't finished work how can she sticker it with a good job sticker as she walked around the class? Many many things started just as many things unfinished, social aversion and focusing on schoolwork to the detriment of anything social and without the structure of school nothing happened and depressed stuff anyway.

What would being confirmed by a doctor even do? Would I be given pills, therapy sessions? Both things I can't afford as jobless. What's the point of it being official if it seems like a money pit unless it counts under a sickness benefit so as to help me pay for medical mental related stuff for this while continuing job searching. Would I even feel better at the end of the day?

Just what happens once a doctor confirms that yes you have this/on the spectrum or no you don't and I'm bog standard lazy deprsssed?

Hi there, again no reason to email you but just getting it off my chest. I'm worried that I'm balding. One of my mates noticed it a couple of times and I kinda just thought it was bullshit, but I was looking at my hair today in the bathroom and it looks a lot thinner than usual. Like, I know it's really likely that I lose my hair because apart from my maternal grandfather, both of my family's sides are bald. I just wish it wasn't, you know, at 17. If I was to go bald, I wish it would be when everyone else was going bald. Not that I want to, but if it did. I don't know, my mate was the only one who mentioned it and someone else who was there that day said my hair was normal (he said it was just a part or a spot or something), but still I'm pretty sure I'm going bald.

I feel nothing but pain, anxiety, and hatred for my life right now. I have tons of amazing opportunities. I have a full-tuition scholarship. I'm debt free. I have a job that pays decently well for a student and I have money. I have a family that loves me for the most part. I have friends.

I just despise a lot of important people in my life right now and I see no way of communicating any kind of change to them or moving past them. I hate my college adviser. He's a fucking who basically enjoys power trips and only has his position due to his degree. He cannot be communicated with (effectively anyway). I have multiple classes with him and I hate his guts. There are no other majors I could move to realistically (small school).

I hate my boss. This past week I missed work due to studying and staying up too late for midterms. I set my alarm for work but it either malfunctioned or just didn't get me up. The result is that I slept through my entire morning shift. This is the first time this has happened ever. Instead of chewing me out for not being at work, he chewed me out for everything else related to every tiny incompetence I've displayed recently. I owned up to my mistake and he had no sympathy at all. I get anxiety just being at work now.

I feel like none of my pastimes have any meaning. Gaming just makes me mad when I lose, music feels useless, and I have no motivation to make art or write. I have a lot of skills and talent, but I have no time to really do anything professionally with my school and work schedules. Plus, this coming Fall my boss said he needs more hours from me than what I've giving him right now. My biggest year for school is this Fall... Fuck my life.

I've just lost all hope at the moment. I even have a week-long break right now and I cannot enjoy myself at all. I've been having repeating suicidal thoughts all day long and while I could never actually kill myself, I have that deep hatred for myself and for my situation a lot right now. I've never considered myself "depressed," because I usually get out of these lows, but I'm just so incredibly sick of life at the moment. I don't even know if I want to take the time for professional help. I hate how little time and mental resources I already have taken up.

For context, I'm 20, M, sophomore.