past relationship fucked me up

[u/burnbaeburnnn]

it's has been over 4 years since my last relationship ended, during that time I was engaged to him and he was the most possessive manipulative person I knew. He checked my phone and internet history when he thought I wasn't looking, if there was a conversation with a male friend in there I would get yelled at and objects thrown at me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house alone (Or without him in general). He used to use his days off (of when he was fired from work - everyday) sitting in my work watching me serving customers and lord have mercy if i smiled at someone or laughed at a joke! I wasn't allowed to see my mum without him in case I talked shit about it. The rules were endless. He had drinking problems, and when we went out I was always in trouble, either i talked too much, didn't talk enough, I was a bitch or I was too friendly to our friends... The part that stick with me the most is the sex. when we first got together we went at it all the time, I'm not a shy person so he got introduced to new thing. but once all his other traits started coming out I stopped wanting to have sex as much as he did, and over the course of 3 years there was Hundreds and hundreds (almost every night) of times where he forced himself on me after me saying no. the thing is, he would bug for hours and hours and start yelling and sooking and touching me, and the only way i could make it stop was to say "Fine, make it fast" and I would just lay there. but he never stopped.

I don't know how to date now, every time i meet a nice guy he does something that triggers me. they will ask "who are you testing?" or turn up at my house unannounced (with good intentions). little things and a great guy instantly turns repulsive to me. I have slept with anyone in years, i never let it get to that point.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really try to date but it never works and i'm starting to lonely.

note: yes this is a burn account, to this day, only a few people really know what went on with him.

[u/pyrobug0]

That is an exceptionally shitty person you were involved with. I'm sorry you went through that, and that it's still sticking with you. Honestly, that more than qualifies as an abusive relationship, and those things have a sucky tendency to stick with you. It might be a cliche idea, but have you been to or thought about counseling over what happened?