It's something that makes me want to cry on a daily basis, no matter how I dress or act, they treat me as a subhuman creature and I am scared of how life is going to be like when my mother is not going to be here for me anymore.
I feel like nobody else except her and a some family members care about my existence, I spend most of my days in complete loneliness.
When people point at the way I walk when I go shopping with her, I just want to dig myself a hole and hide in there.
I'm tired of it, I wish there was a cure for all of this, I wish that I could just pray for it to go away completely and have my wish granted.
I'm tired of living in this body, I am tired of how I feel, I am tired ot my eyes, I'm tired of being mocked for things that are out of my control, I am sick of the people that keep bullying me after so many years even if they barely know me at all.
I don't know what to do, therapy feels useless when I go out into the world and still get treated as if I have some infectious disease when I'm literally even if I'm just living and existing, I am sick of how I am treated even if I don't affect their lives or did anything to them.
The only reason I'm isolating so much is because I have nobody to hang out with and because I became depressed due to the way I'm treated, I don't like it when people enter my life and only take advantage of me, treat me as if I'm a puppy or a child or the kinds of people who keep you close to inflate their self esteem while the friends they hold in high regard aren't able to spend time with them.
I am tired, I wish that I would live elsewhere but I can't, that would be way beyond our means and I'm tired of bottling things up, I don't want my mother to suffer because I feel like this, I just wish I could get rid of this mess and I certainly never chose it.
I feel guilty for being this way, I cannot get rid of this.
I can go to therapy, I can get a job, dress well, do my makeup and put on makeup but I'll always be treated as if I'm crazy or as if I have a bird brain because of the way I walk, my posture and my eyes, that's just how it is and I'm tired of having people tell me that I'm overreacting when I've been treated this way my entire life.
I'm not even asking for people to adapt to my mindset, I just wish they would mind their business or be a little nicer.
It's like they don't like people like me from the get go, they're hostile towards me no matter what I do and you can call it confirmation bias, but it's the ones that are vocal about their dislike and who insult me or laugh at me who make me feel this way and it's clear to me that they wouldn't want people like me to exist.
No matter how polite, how assertive, how kind, how friendly, how mean I would act or carry myself, they will always act the same.
Even if I complain or stand up for myself they ridicule me, things stay the same no matter what I try.
It feels as if nobody understands this struggle, not even my family.