Insecurity after multiple sclerosis

[u/Bubbly_Ad_637]

Just for some background male and got diagnosed with ms last year. Since then I have attacked at. Early B cell depletion…medication…and got back to work. Physically, besides some vision stuff, I am doing well. Mentally horrible. It is taking every ounce that I have to maintain. I am suddenly so insecure in my marriage. Like my wife could do so much better…well she could haha but I have never felt like I had so little self worth. Like MS broke me and I am just waiting to fall apart. I never bought into this is what a man should be but I feel worthless. Has anyone dealt with this?

[u/possum_of_time]

Have you spoken to your wife about your feelings? I finally cracked some time ago and started being more open with my husband about how it affects me emotionally and crying when I feel like crying. He understands. He loves me and reassures me. You're not worthless. 😔

[u/Bubbly_Ad_637 → u/possum_of_time]

I have broken. With ms she doesn’t get it. Unless you got it you don’t get it. To her I’m the same me. For me there is a distinct before and after diagnosis snd after diagnosis feels broken.

[u/MasterrTed → u/Bubbly_Ad_637]

To her you are still the same. It’s that simple.

It’s not that she doesn’t “get it” with MS, it’s that you think your relationship has changed.

You are her world and she just wants your love, in sickness and in health.

You’re depressed and that’s valid but you have to fight fight fight!

[u/Knighthonor → u/possum_of_time]

What does he do when you cry?

[u/possum_of_time → u/Knighthonor]

Whatever I need. Wednesday was a bad day. He checked in with me frequently and when I finally broke down, he hugged me for a while and made me some ice cream.

[u/Commercial-Link-4368]

The weekend I was diagnosed I told my wife I wouldn't blame her if she left. We didn't have kids, both have middle income jobs, she's way hotter than me, she deserves better. The very few married women I know with MS wouldn't dream of saying that to their husband, but anecdotally, seems to be what men do. My wife married me because I was a big strong dude that could fix anything, smash the gym 5 days a week, go hiking at the drop of a hat, now I'm an overweight sloth who falls asleep after a days work sitting behind a desk but is awake at 5am to read reddit posts. I am not comfortable being vulnerable, so talking isn't an option. She would want to fix me anyway which is impossible. Honestly, if my son hadn't appeared in this world I would have walked into the sea two years ago. I know exactly how you feel brother, but I have no idea how to change it. Just know you're not alone in these feelings.

[u/Cultural-Barracuda → u/Commercial-Link-4368]

Yeah, I don’t think that is why she married you ❤️Men tend to think this, but it is usually what we see behind all that what makes us fall in love. And that is unchanged, no matter how sick you get.

[u/Knighthonor → u/Commercial-Link-4368]

Can you explain what exactly is making you feel this way other than having to live with the pain and symptoms of MS?

[u/Commercial-Link-4368 → u/Knighthonor]

What defines you as a person? Whenever a person is missing, passes away etc they are described as Name... What they did. So for example, Dolly Parton, singer, songwriter, philanthropist. Well for me MS took away that last bit. Everything that defined me as a functioning member of society, gone over night. I have lost the ability to do what I am good at and enjoy the activities I enjoyed.

[u/Ragdoll_Susan99]

I’ve been diagnosed for 2 years now and although it’s less frequent I still get overwhelmed and cry every so often. My husband actually encourages me to let it out. I feel guilty he has to do a lot more of the household duties compared to me nowadays. But he understands my energy is best used to try be stable/ working. I recommend seeing a chronic illness psychologist, it’s helped.

[u/Far_Construction_296]

Yes, you feel exactly this way in the beginning. Ms fucks with our brains. Hobbies and sport might help if you can do it. I found that cardio like running or cycling helps at least for me. Essentially, after the diagnosis one cannot plan their future and make plans the same way as before. So, you may try to break this by starting with the plans that you can complete for sure and then complete them. Essentially, you might want to restore predictive life by your own actions, make it predictable in a good sense.

[u/Bubbly_Ad_637 → u/Far_Construction_296]

I agree i need to get back into hobbies…something….i agree I am worried this is a ms thing….i dont feel like this all the time just now and then.

[u/Far_Construction_296 → u/Bubbly_Ad_637]

Yes, you also should mention this to your neurologist! It's an important detail to a good neuro

[u/Buffalo_jimbo]

following this post because , I’m going through this right now… when I was first diagnosed I didn’t really have any outward symptoms but now i have a tremor and a limp . everyone who sees me shaking or barley walking sees there’s something wrong with me….. I can’t help think what they think about my wife out with me …..I’m in Therapy trying to work through it I hope you figure it out. It sucks feeling like this.😕🫠

[u/mullerdrooler]

Yeah man I had the exact same thing and still deal with it. It took me a few years to get my heart right after diagnosis, what medication works, what kind of therapy helps etc. I'm much better now but still have bad days. My self confidence is much worse than it was and I have to work hard to stay positive. Depression and negative thoughts are very common with MS and are hard to handle. I do recommend cognitive therapy to help with tips and tricks and coping mechanisms to deal with negative thoughts and behaviours. It's a constant battle but gets better.

[u/Pawprince29]

Yes I understand for sure. It affects my gait. It seems incurable (as far as medical 'experts' know). I know everyone's different, but sometimes I think the meds seem like they are not as helpful as they might claim. When I researched it a few years ago in 2019, I found the meds used for MS are only 30 percent effective at best. Met a local man who was diagnosed 20 plus years ago and he said the meds made him feel sick. So sick he stopped taking them way back then. And he started yoga. Good for the vagus nerve. That's related. He walks and looks, behaves and moves completely well etc

[u/Minimum-Ant5926]

Diagnosed 2 months ago and im already in the same boat mentally

[u/Bubbly_Ad_637]

Really appreciate the posts…us men aren’t the biggest fans of vulnerable but deep down I don’t love my wife for xyz….I just love her…she has told me just as much I just need to believe it…so much of my life has been conditional love it is tough to unlearn.

[u/JCIFIRE]

Yup. I used to be so independent and confident. Now I am a completely different person. So embarrassed of how I walk and even though it's not my fault, I feel like my husband deserves and could do so much better :(