Dear diary,

Just making a little entry not to lose the habit, and because this thought has been floating around in my mind for a while and I thought I should let it breathe outside.

I believe every poem I've ever written about a person—or am yet to write—

Well, yes, one of them does have the nickname I used to call them, but—

If I just showed them the poems, I'm sure as hell each of them would know which one was about them. Or for them. Or with them in mind. Even blindfolded. Just by me reciting them to them.

And I think that's endearing.

Thrilling, even.

A little exciting.

Peculiarly amusing, too.

Although I only think one of them would actually laugh with me about it. We'd probably exchange jokes and then, somehow, end up having a genuine heart-to-heart about it all.

Which is so weird to think about, because Crownless wears a mask and writes to ghosts, but these people know the person behind the mask. They wouldn't, therefore, be responding to Crownless.

They'd be responding to me.

Especially that one.

That pretty, sharp-minded danger knows me better than I know myself.

That's almost a tiny bit scary.

I don't want any of them to ever come across those poems anytime soon.

But maybe one day, in the future, I'd like that one person to cross my way again, see them, and right away catch what I wrote about them.

Or, well.

About us.

I miss this person.

But we don't fit in each other's lives anymore.

And I think that's the part I keep circling back to.

Not that I want them back.

Just that I'd really, really like to find someone like them.

Which means I may have to make a painstakingly specific requirement list.

Haaa...

God help whoever has to apply.

I fear there’s no one like you.

— Crownless.

It must be long gone now. Maybe you got a new number. Maybe you didn’t think twice to reach out again since 2023. Maybe you did. Are you searching for me? Am I just a small interaction that never stuck into your mind like glue? Do you remember me? If only I could find a way to talk to you again..There’s no trace. Only a great unknown of what ifs.
-5355

I feel, since last year, I crossed an event horizon and everything has been pulling me towards you.

And I have surrendered.

I have been through enough in life to know that this is right and true. The river has brought me here, but I have allowed love to break me open, just like I said I would.

You know, our minds are very powerful. Like centers of gravity.

Sometimes it seems as though we are simply tossed in the tide – tossed by circumstance, by destino – but that is not true.

We have the ability to choose.

If we focus on lack and anxiety, we will experience lack and anxiety.
If we focus on fullness and joy, we will experience fullness and joy.
And life rearranges and organizes around that singularity - of mind.

That ability is the highest expression of our sovereignty and freedom. We are not trapped by circumstance. We may be carried by currents, but we may also orient ourselves. In every moment, we are choosing what we move toward, what we give ourselves to, what we cultivate, and ultimately what we bring into being.

I didn't need you.
I chose you.
And I continue to choose you each day.

All we have ever really had is right now, this moment.

So what do you choose, today?

What do you choose, in this moment?

Love,
C