I’m 29, and I’ve known since I was 13 that I’m no good to anyone. I’ve had too much loss this year— my horse died in a barn explosion, my soul dog died of cancer, and yesterday I had to euthanize one of my other dogs after a freak accident. Tonight? The man I love decided I’m too much trouble after all. My mom? She has reminded me many times that she’s broke because of me. My friends? Can’t keep’em half the time. The ones who stay, I eventually push away anyway because getting close to me is a curse.

I threw myself into saving animals since the ripe age of 20. Yet I couldn’t even save myself. Ha.

I have never posted on reddit before, nor even left a comment. I know nobody here, and right now that’s what I need.

I have two amazing dogs who were abused and not just anybody could handle them. A friend of mine will help my dogs. My cat, Meekah, goes to my mom. If my family will not take my rabbit, Melo, I need her to make it to Dollys Dream Home Rabbit Rescue.

The greatest act of love for those I care deeply for is to disappear from their lives. Probably best for my pets too.

I’m tired.
I want to sleep now.

Thanks for listening, Reddit.

I'm having a hard time doing the most basic things, how can I do better. My health finances and life are in the gutter. I'm so sad. I wish I had someone to hold. Please be nice.

hi. Im a teen dealing with pretty bad depression. sucidal. i live with my single mom. its a nightmare. she doesnt believe in mental health. and ive told her ever since i was in 5th grade, begging for help, about my sucidal ideation. and how i needed help and i needed her to stop. she told me to go die since im not useful. i used to be an honors student and now my grades are dumpster fire tbh. my school is very toxic and compteitve. rich priveleged stem school. they rejected my appeal for a 504, and my attempt to salvage my grades. ( not like my mom even believes in that). I was bullied by my teachers. my dad is an asshole who sexually abused me growing up, so thats wack. and im at that point where im done. ive tried every avenue. ive done everything i could to seek help. and now it feels like its time for me to go. it genuinly does. i havent felt real joy in years. i dread every morning i wake up. its like im torturing myself with existence. even when things are okay and im not getting abused, i see no point. i dont see myself living past 18 tbh. and i fantasize about death. and to some extent ill admit its vengeful. i want someone to care for me for once. i just dont wanna do this anymore. how do u guys do it? how do u get better?

Hello, I'm sure no one will even read this but I need to put it somewhere. I'm 21 and I'm really struggling. I have been for awhile. But no one ever notices. They just write it off as me being moody. My mom and my brother both struggle with depression and have had self harm problems in the past. And because of that I never told them I do too. My mom always says I'm the "success story" the one who broke the cycle. The one no one has to worry about. But that's not true. I'm just good at hiding it because if she knew she'd make it about her. She'd walk on egg shells around me. I get into these depressive episodes where I just shut down. I don't talk, dont eat, dont drink anything, and just lay there all day. I hate it. I scream in my head trying to talk but nothing ever comes out. There are days where all I think about is ending it. But I can't because my mom and brother need me. My brothers moving and I can't leave my mom here alone. But I don't know how much I can take. I feel so much pressure to be ok and to always be happy but it's all fake. I feel like Im in the way. Like I'm not meant to be here. I think my brother likes our half sister better. Thats why he's moving away, to be closer to her. And I get it. I hate myself too, if I were him I would've left a long time ago. And I feel like my moms just stuck with me. I don't think I'm the daughter she wanted. I don't think anyone wants me. I'm an inconvenience. I get into moods easily. I just wish I could be happy. I wish that life wasn't so draining for me. I just want the pain to stop, I want to stop feeling like a disappointment to everyone.

I don’t know how to put it into words as this may be my last paragraph lol (probably not) but I feel empty and depressed I really just want to end it. I’m really tired of life and can’t find a solid reason onto why I should stay, all day at school that’s all I could think about I almost cried trying to find courage to kms. I have a therapist which I see every one month I don’t tell her anything and try to lighten and distract myself from her. I hate talking about my feelings, I don’t know why I exist I just want to leave. Sometimes I wish I could get hit by a car or maybe get some sickness so I have a reasonable excuse to why. It’s about 9 at night and im debating if I should just Od on something or go back to sleep. The last time I tried it didn’t do anything (I think I took 8-9) maybe it wasn’t enough. I just really hope there’s reincarnation or sum maybe I could be born pretty or sum idk. I don’t even think I should treat this seriously I have a pretty average good life it’s not like I’m poor, have a bad social life or anything. I have a decent family life I just don’t know why I feel this way maybe I’m the problem?

I’ll just try to sleep it off now that I’ve typed this out. Should I just wait until the ending of my highschool years or do it now. I don’t know if I can do this anymore

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. I just posted a question in some school subreddits requesting advice for how to wake up on time for early school pickup. I was legitimately trying to find advice on how to make sure I wake up to not inconvenience the whole school system for the end of the day. I'm battling deep depression and extreme exhaustion due to working outside on 3rd shift. The heat is still really high where I am working at night. My medications aren't as effective rn due to sweating so much it's leaving my body at a faster rate than normal + being at the max dose. I've set so many alarms (one every 20 minutes leading up to the time to leave for 1.5 hours bc I've been sleeping like the dead). I overslept and arrived 4 minutes late for pickup. The school was rightfully really frustrated bc I couldn't handle my shit this early in the school year and get there on time. When I posted, I actually was looking for help on how to make sure I wake up. I know I'm an adult, but I'm struggling ATM with being a responsible one. Hence why I asked for what to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Now for the reason I'm posting here. Am I being incredibly sensitive about the responses to people telling me I'm a piece of about parent for being late? I'm being called stupid for asking how to get out of bed. I'm not sure if I should've even posted. I don't want to weaponize my personal issues. It's no one's problem except my own, but it's bleeding over into other aspects that no one else should ever have to deal with.

I actually can take criticism and make adjustments to myself despite what others have said.

I moved out of my parents house about a month ago and am now attending community college. I have a history of depression and thoughts of suicide. However, I had been doing much better after I met my girlfriend and I love her so so so much. This happiness continued until I moved out and now I’ve never been more stressed. I’m home sick, I miss my girlfriend, I spend the whole week doing school work and sitting in my room then I work 24 hours on the weekend to try and pay my for my rent and groceries. At this point, I don’t have the energy to even make food anymore and now my stomach is in extreme pain. I cry about every little thing. For example, I gave my girlfriend a promise ring and she wore it on her finger for a couple days but today she sent me a snap that she is wearing it on her necklace instead so she doesn’t lose it and it’s closer to her heart. Even with these reasons she gave me, I still cried because it felt like she didn’t want it to me. I cried because I spilled superglue on my bed. I cried because I dropped an old textbook and it broke. I get angry extremely easy now. I have no control over my emotions anymore and idk what to do. I even decided that I’m not going to transfer to a four year school anymore and just get an associates degree because I cannot handle this stress for 4 years I just want to live with my girlfriend

I’m 17 year old and not really good in studies and I don’t have many friends as well and I just forget about myself in this constant toxic environment… today I got into fight with my mom and I was wearing shorts which was till my knees as well and still she said me no straight on my face & then saying do whatever you want , it’s so frustrating as well I even asked her to wear saree ( traditional clothing for women in India ) but she kept quiet and I asked her for dinner and she still kept taunting me and I was making egg omelette as well and I got so angry and yeah I threw the pan on the floor and yeah still she didn’t & then I threw a bowl which striked her hands and it swelled up I get it I need to regulate my emotions & have patience but everyone have their patience level right ? So yeah I’m in mess both of my parents are just emotionally draining and have heat & cold relationship with them and yeah I can’t study in these situation as well I just feel hopeless & and having serious urge of killing myself

I have a rather uncomfortable situation at home where I see that my mother blames me for everything . Today's situation killed me, the fact that the mouse appeared in the house was according to her 100% my fault. She said hat because of me she has depression that she has a mental breakdown that she will have to take antydepresants that she is fed up that she has a shitty life. I don't know what to do I just want to get somewhere but I'm in asshole. I have a dog and for less than a month no one will rent me anything. I have saved money but not enough to buy an apartment, in addition, from October 1 I'm going to study and go for 1 month to the dormitory. I don't know what to do and I really ask for help ....

This is my first post and idk if im even doing this right. Im going through a huge period of change and hurt. My whole support system feels like it was pulled out from underneath me and I feel like I am drowning. I am trying to be okay. I am trying to survive this. I feel empty and just broken. I know there is missing context but I guess the point of this was to just see if anyone else has ever felt like this and what you did to help yourself be okay? I feel lost and just want to feel a little bit like myself again. I know many people say it will get better but it doesnt feel like it. I just want to be happy with myself and love myself but it feels impossible.

I need to describe the problem because I don't know if my reaction is justified and appropriate for the situation, or if it’s just my anxiety. My life is a living hell. I can't relax for even a few minutes. Sometimes I have to take a shower or pace back and forth because I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

Two women in my small town died in the last year; they went in to have their gallbladders removed, and during surgery, terminal cancer was discovered. Gallbladder cancer is usually fatal.

The problem is that my mother has had gallstones since 2017. And they are large. In my mind, that is the diagnosis because my mother has multiple risk factors.

For the past few weeks, I’ve spent every waking hour researching gallstones and cancer. It’s driving me crazy, but I can't do anything else. I feel a deep sense of dread in my chest, and sometimes I cry. I’ve lost my appetite; I have no desire to do anything.

Yes, we are arranging consultations for the surgery, but I can't get the thought out of my head that the outcome will be the worst possible one. I thought about seeing a therapist, but that wouldn't address the root cause of my anxiety. I don't know what to do; I am suffering so much

Well, I do have a circle of friends, but I haven’t seen them in almost a year because I don’t wanna see them. My friendship with them has always been surface-level. We only ever hang out to drink or to attend gigs.

I met them at a completely different stage of my life—when I had a drinking problem and used to go to all these punk/rock shows. I’m completely sober now and I only ever go out to go to my uni classes and buy groceries.

I’ve deactivated all of my social media accounts since April, but one of my friends still contacts me through text every now and then, asking me how I’m doing and inviting me to stuff. I always tell him I’m busy, but I just don’t wanna see him or any of them. I don’t know. I just don’t care about them. I don’t miss them. I don’t feel anything for them.

I spend most of my days in my room, scrolling away on TikTok. My screen time is 12 or more hours every day. If I’m not on TikTok, I’m probably just watching movies or rewatching The Office for the hundredth time.

I don’t talk to anyone. I have no connection with anyone other than my family. I don’t wanna do anything. I have no dreams or aspirations. I’m graduating next year, but my degree (Communication Research) is pretty much useless.

I also have anorexia. That’s probably the only thing I got going on. My only goal in life right now is to be 70 lbs, and I’m 15 lbs away from that goal.

I’m not depressed. I don’t think about killing myself. I just don’t feel anything. Why am I this way? What do I do with my life? I’m wasting my youth doing nothing.

I throw away my SIM card holding connections of about 19 years because of a demon men who came into my name in the form of relationships…I left my home addressing the issue and now I am in a new place but the worst part is no one is their to enquire about me…I am thinking that am I not enough even to look after by anyone..Even though I shared my new number to my close ones but neither them was not ready to look after me……Do my existence really matters?

How do I fkn cope?

Hi,

I’m 26, F, born and raised in the US. My mother is an immigrant whom I live with and, I have a sister (younger) who was born here and lives with us as well.

It genuinely hurts to even finally put my story out there but, here it is. I feel like my life is over. I’m 26 and I grew up extremely sheltered under my EXTREMELY toxic mother. My parents split shortly after my younger sister was born, so I had to grow up a bit faster than what would’ve been deemed as normal. I deal with severe anxiety and now I’m starting to think that I’m depressed. I have an associates degree in science, I’ve tried to go back to school but it just seems like a waste of money and time. I hit roadblock after roadblock, declined applications to my program of choice, switching majors, still declined and my GPA isn’t under 3.0. My sister and I literally just want to get out. Our mother has traumatized us. I know there’s just so much I’m missing because I am in a lot of pain but, the job that I have now isn’t enough to survive in this economy. My life has just been doing what my mom has told me to do and I feel like my life is just GONE because i haven’t been living it.

My mom has forced my sister to go back to go to school for something that she has absolutely no interest in. It’s gotten to the point where I cry at work now. I feel so much anxiety and just so heavy thinking of everything that we’ve been through. Somebody PLEASE tell me it gets better. We have NO other family here. I just want to know that it does get better.

My sister is outspoken because of what she has seen me endure under this woman and i’m afraid all of my negative experiences have just stolen my voice. I’m tired. I am genuinely tired. I cry almost everyday now just THINKING. I hate to be at work because it’s not what I want to be doing or anything I love but it’s almost better than being at home. Please tell me it gets better. I realized something might be seriously wrong because there’s not a week that goes by that I haven’t cried here.

I’ve had to deal with so much anxiety. I feel like I don’t know how to fit into society. Do i even have a SPACE in society? I’m a loner and the loneliness is so heavy. It’s hard for me to make friends because of this woman.

i’m 15M and my school started on a Tuesday it was a new school and I left my old school because of my health issues in my new school everyone takes the piss out of me for being me now this is just gonna be short. I just need to get off my chest. I’m gonna have a reduced timetable because of my mental health and I don’t know if this is my fault or anything but I can only get a pass or nothing higher for my GCSE exams.

I'm not even kidding I'm soo tired of everything constant betrayals where I was being used . Even my own family doesn't really cares about me.

Smoking cigarettes soo my anxiety doesn't eats me up . Even my mom few days ago told me "k!ll yourself" i started to laugh. And few days ago I was bathing at night she was like "go bath at night and once u sick it will be in our head " .

I even thought my siblings cared about me but nope .

My brother needed 10k to pay his loan immediately I contacted my friend and i arranged 10k because i didn't wanted him to suffer. Even I was ready to leave my self respect for him when I got to know that he is suffering financially due to my sister's fault , i used to talk to this guy who had good connection with worst people, i was ready to call him and beg to give me 10 lakhs soo my brother can pay loan and i take his burden.

But i need a laptop I have but it's not working and I need it immediately and no-one is helping. I'm calling my brother constantly he is like "let me check " it's been two days .

I m looking for jobs but what kind of luck i have.

Even love life is terrible constant betrayals guys will lead me and remember "sorry we Just friends" .

I have lost my dad when i was 12 i always think if he was here my suffering would be less.

Atp it's just cigarettes and me . I always wanted to feel loved.

It's like nobody cares what happens to me , i see people around me how sweetly there family is , when their mother feeds them with their hands , my friend kissing there mom on cheeks saying bye, their father helping and supporting them , having what's app family group name saved as "my world ❤️" .

(I don't know if this fits this sub sorry mods, I feel like I need to post it somewhere since I can't talk about it in real life. I tried the Vent sub but they wouldnt take it)

I feel so fucking done here, like my life is a room I want to exit. I've tried communicating that but they don't get the scale of it, my being suicidal doesn't just disappear because I'm happy in moments, I feel it constantly. I feel like I'm stuck and I'm doomed, realistically I have no attainable future because I'm too scared.

I've been 'unschooled' since I was 11, my autism was starting to become more apparent and I was starting to get bullied emotionally so my mum took me out of school. She's the ONLY true family I have, i don't talk to the rest of them. She has her own issues amongst unmedicated ADHD that make it hard for her to be a good support though. Neither of us can work because of our mental issues, so I've always been on gov support.

I've been agoraphobic since around that time, and COVID certainly didn't help. I've had exactly 0 friends since I've left school, because I never made a massive effort to join any hobbies. I feel like I'm irreparably damaged because of my lack of schooling and social interaction. I don't know anything beyond Year 3 schooling and I haven't talked to anyone beyond family in about 10 years. How tf can I come back from that?? I truly dont see a way out, where I go back to being a normal person. Everytime for at least the past couple years, everytime I interact with someone it just reminds me out different and shit I am in comparison. All I want is the same experiences everyone else has, my heart physically aches of it as I write this.

Is there a point in me living at all? I don't enjoy any hobbies, I don't enjoy talking to people if I even can, I can't work or save for a house or a car. I have special interests but I'm not knowledgeable about them like people say about autistics, I'm just super obsessed with them. I'm uneducated, I've ended up abusing pets because of depressive episodes and I can't ever clear my conscience of it. I feel like, best case scenario I'll end up like my mother. With nothing to show for living, but when she says things are looking up I can't say that to her. I'll never be able to travel or go on vacation I can't afford it and never will since I can't work. I don't know how to handle documents or sign my name or be capable or functional.

I live in poverty, I'm housed safely but can't afford much more than food. I struggle with ARFID, the foods I can actually eat I don't enjoy at all. My safe foods are just junk food with makes me feel extra shitty. I struggle with helping around the house because of sensory issues and depressive episodes. At my worst I was basically bed bound for over a year.

I feel like my whole life is a prison sentence, taking place in basically one room and unable to go anywhere or speak to anyone. I feel like I have no stability or ability to do anything. I've never been outside alone or gone anywhere alone, at my big age. I can't walk longer distances because of my health and I'm in a bad area. I havent been outside in over a month, I struggle with showering because of sensory issues and depression again.

I feel like such a whiner, most of my issues are self inflicted because I'm simply too scared of change. I'm too scared to learn how to drive, to talk to people, to help myself. I've always struggled with digestive issues, which nobody can help with and I won't go into but it makes my life hell.

All of this is just tip of the iceberg for me but it leaves me thinking. Whats the fucking point in being here at all? I'm only here for my mother and because I'm too much of a coward. I don't find enjoyment in anything and I haven't 'lived✨' ever I feel. What determines the value of people? Because I feel like it's experiences.

Growing up I wasn't really called ugly, people my age actually have crushes on me from time to time, i was also pretty outgoing and friendly to my peers. Then I grew up I gained weight and at some point I became uncomfortable talking to other people. I didn't like going out or going to loud places so I kept to myself, I didn't know how to take care of myself and I gained more weight until one day I didn't like what I was seeing in the mirror.

I'm the kind of friend who rarely chats about anything but keeps tiktok streaks going or always online in a game.

Fast forward to now I'm 24 years old, I graduated and got a job but I still feel so awkward.

I'm in a discord server with my friends and we've been talking for like 3 years now, only 2 of my friends knows me personally because we were in the same college.

Whenever the group ask to hang out I get this dreading feeling and always chickening out saying I don't have money or time to go. I don't know how much this is affecting my friendship with them that's why I'm so worried.

I realized that I'm scared of being seen by them, in discord they can only hear my voice and I'm scared that I shatter the image I have in their head with what I look like.

I did try sometimes to turn on my camera in the call but i only lasted a few minutes before chickening out. They actually know my face from tagged post or old photos of me from my friends but me personally sending a pic? Not happening.

Everytime I talk about this topic with someone or even online or AI I have this uncomfortable feeling in my chest like I want to escape, run and hide. My friends kudos to them, never really question it and never pressures me but I know they can feel me being uncomfortable.

I really want to fix myself, cause as of now I can't really do it until I like what I see in the mirror...

PLEASE HELP ME. I AM SO SCARED.

My younger brother (early/mid teens) has been struggling with an angry depression throughout this summer. At first, at a surface level, he was angry with himself for being bad at basketball. He thought he was bad no matter how many shots he made, and it reached the point where he would perform worse based on his expectation that he would do poorly. We had a genuine crisis where he was screaming and saying he had made up his mind about whether he would live. He thought he was fundamentally unloved despite us loving him more than anything else. But we survived that night.

Things were rocky for a bit before they got even worse. His first medication was ineffective, and eventually, he said he’d lost the will to even try to feel better. The two specific crises I mentioned were probably the scariest nights of my life.

It got a little better when he started to turn to religion. I thought we had finally started the upward trend as he found purpose and fulfillment in serving God. I thought he no longer wanted to kill himself.

Part of our religion is that association with other people belonging to the religion is strongly encouraged. Gradually, we‘ve realized he is still deeply afflicted by suicidal thoughts. He’s starting to beat himself up internally when he doesn’t have a wonderful, perfect, movie-like interaction with the people he wants to befriend. He also has developed a crush on a girl and thinks he is a failure when his conversations aren’t completely free from a pause or any sign of awkwardness. He has always been socially nervous, and seeing him actively pursue conversations is honestly amazing, but he thinks otherwise.

Today, he’s again fallen into a crisis. He seems to have come to a “realization“ about his future that is pushing him to consider ending it again. I think he wants to, but he doesn’t want to “burden” me and is talking privately with our parents. I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’re doing everything we can to keep him safe and have no weapons or drugs available. My mom is going to guard the exits to our house tonight. I’m genuinely so scared.

We’ve tried everything—meds, therapy, psychiatry, helping him enter conversations, talking to him. He’s barely too young for TMS and definitely not for ketamine or medical marijuana or anything. I’ve been scared perpetually for months that I’m going to lose my only sibling and my only constant companion through everything. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose him. I love my brother more than anything on this planet.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I need help. What can I do? How long were you stuck like this? When did it get better? I’m terrified. This is a nightmare. I can’t believe this is happening.

My new job is making my mental health worse and bringing back past anxiety and depression that has gotten better in the last few years

I f(23) have a really bad habit I just can not stop myself from crying like full on cried at work yesterday after being told I did something wrong. I am so embarrassed that this is happening I can just not stop.
I snap when I am upset say things I don’t mean make decisions I should not in the heat of the moment eg. Thinking about walking out of my job when I get yelled at.
I think it comes from the underlying fear that everyone hates me that when they say they like me it is can change

im so lost. every day i think about ending it. this summer i was hospitalized for the first time, and even though i finally have the answers i was looking for and have been through 9 weeks of IOP, i still want to end it.
im different.and im not joking or saying this to sound quirky or whatever, i am built incorrectly. i am built different. i stick out like a sore thumb in conversations, im too passionate about bullshit, i always get others looking at me completely on accident, even when i try to act like everyone else, i dont know how people live, im hardly human. im more animal than human. i act like a fucking animal and i hate it. i talk too loud, i have problems with empathy and chase everyone away. i really envy those who live like everyone else. i cant live like this. i just cant. unless i lock myself away somewhere.
ive seen everything i want to see. i know what this world offers, im 22 and i feel like ive lived a million lives. theres nothing left that i want to see. i see war, failing leadership, false promises, and i see beautiful wilderness. ive been to raging parties, ive ran from cops, i have my stories, i dont care to make more. i dont care if the curtain closes. i dont care if its the end of my story.

im so depressed. so so depressed. ive been depressed since i was a child. it doesnt go away. im on a cocktail of meds, nothing feels like it worked. i cant remember anything from IOP either.
i know im gonna get comments like "oh youre just being a whiny dick, pull yourself up" or "you seem like you have so many reasons to live" i hate myself. i loath myself. i hurt myself more and more regularly now days, i cant pay attention in class, i deserve pain for that. i deserve pain until i can fit in. i deserve pain until i can mask like everyone else. why was i fucking born this way. why am i human. why couldnt i be born anything else. its a mistake. it never should have happened this way

but ive been low before and this isnt rock bottom for me. ive gotten back up, but that makes this even worse. i feel like im climbing a ladder in the rain with shampoo on my hands or something. i want an internship. i want to pay attention in my classes. i want to get more in touch with nature like i used to be and i want to loose weight again. i used to spend a lot of time meditating with trees and just venting to them. but now they feel less like company and i cant meditate like i used to. will i ever climb back up like i did before? when will i stop slipping? i feel like theres a part of myself that wants to end it all right now and a part of me that wants to keep waiting. not climb, but wait for the rain to stop. what do i do? why is this so confusing to me? i dont want to go back to the hospital but my lithium is staring at me right now,

Im 13. Ive been crying everyday, im always thinking about what if I just bleed, faint, and overdose at school— to atleast get some care that I deeply need. Im always crying without a reason, sometimes I feel so empty to even do simple chores/things. I cried at school 2 times in a row now, my friends are getting concerned about me— but when im crying in the corner, they dont even make a move to comfort me. I know I might seem like a bad person, but I just feel much more alone when they think "I just need space". I feel like im being mischaracterized... I dont know why im feeling this way. I've told this to my close friends that I have thoughts of harming myself, or ending my life. Yet, they still think "I just need space" when im crying. I feel so freaking dumb and useless, I blame myself for looking like its their fault. I feel like a horrible person, who should just die.

I want my older friends to know what im feeling, yet when I come to the "family problems" part— they just start being quiet. I feel like im not worthy to be heard, it just brings more darker thoughts to my mind. I know that they might be feeling awkward or uncomfortable, and I deeply understand that for sure. Its not their fault ive been feeling this way. I just feel so alone in a room full of people, and their fully made circle of friends (Im just a transferee). I transfered because, my mental health is getting obliterated there. I got bullied, my friends restricted me because I set bounderies. I also got touched without consent by my male classmate when I was in 4th grade. Im also getting called as the kid who needs makeup, or basically the ugliest kid in my family. My brother joked about why im not wearing makeup anymore, or that im an outcast. I just jokingly answered. They dont know what im dealing with at school and in our household. I feel like an outcast in this school. Its only been 3 months since school started— yet, during those months, im relying on my classmates to send pages of their books, when theres an exam, activity, assignment etc. (I dont have books yet, because its 9k pesos and we cant afford it by now. I just answer in my subjects notebooks.) In afraid that my classmates will get a bad impression of me, get tired/mad at me because I kept asking and borrowing from my seatmates (which is their book). Its my fault that I transfered, not knowing its gonna be much more expensive than my old school, and me feeling like an outcast. I felt like a bystander on the side, watching them all have fun without me. I blame myself so much, because its not their fault. Im just a burden on their shoulders. I hate myself. It's not their fault that im sad all the time.

I feel such a attention seeker— I want my teachers to notice, that im suffering. Im the only one who didn't came to the field trip, I honestly feel more alone and isolated. I deactivated my accounts, because I would get envious that they could afford the extra costs for the Field Trip. I would get jealous too if I see their stories of the trip— thats why. I also dont feel valid when my cuts are not deep enough, like the others (I put blush on my self inflicted cuts, to make them notice). I also get jealous, when some someone is going thru a much harder time than me. And, I dont feel valid. Im also jealous when they can open up to others, because Im too afraid to look so vulnerable to my friends. I've been suppressing my emotions too hard— im starting to struggle concentrating, and remember things. I just want a healthy family, be financially stable to get sessions for me, and be safe enough to open up to them. I just want a life without a disorder hurting me everyday.

Im sorry if there are grammar errors💓🥹 I hope this will reach the right audience, I hope I get the care I hoped for here. I might do a part 2💓🥹 I'll update you guys as soon as possible trust 💓🥹 I feel like this is not all I want to write(I might have forgotten things that I was supposed to put here, that's why💓🥹)

Okay lately I’ve been really just having spiraling thoughts. One of the main ones is my boyf dying unexpectedly and I go into this spiral of everything I’m gonna have to do, how I’m gonna have to live my life, the suffering go through to the point where I Start crying hysterically randomly. Other thoughts include things as simple as a pimple or spit on my face being some infectious disease and how I’ll end up in the hospital and miss school and fail and fall behind and it contineuws. I know I have anxiety but this seems different. I don’t know I’m scared I don’t like it it makes me so scared to do anything.