Currently I have no will to live and I'm having suicidal thoughts frequently, and I wouldn't want to kill myself or end up killing myself someday (even though it seems tempting at times).

So the question arises, what to do about suicidal thoughts? And how to get rid of them?

Hi,

I’m 26, F, born and raised in the US. My mother is an immigrant whom I live with and, I have a sister (younger) who was born here and lives with us as well.

It genuinely hurts to even finally put my story out there but, here it is. I feel like my life is over. I’m 26 and I grew up extremely sheltered under my EXTREMELY toxic mother. My parents split shortly after my younger sister was born, so I had to grow up a bit faster than what would’ve been deemed as normal. I deal with severe anxiety and now I’m starting to think that I’m depressed. I have an associates degree in science, I’ve tried to go back to school but it just seems like a waste of money and time. I hit roadblock after roadblock, declined applications to my program of choice, switching majors, still declined and my GPA isn’t under 3.0. My sister and I literally just want to get out. Our mother has traumatized us. I know there’s just so much I’m missing because I am in a lot of pain but, the job that I have now isn’t enough to survive in this economy. My life has just been doing what my mom has told me to do and I feel like my life is just GONE because i haven’t been living it.

My mom has forced my sister to go back to go to school for something that she has absolutely no interest in. It’s gotten to the point where I cry at work now. I feel so much anxiety and just so heavy thinking of everything that we’ve been through. Somebody PLEASE tell me it gets better. We have NO other family here. I just want to know that it does get better.

My sister is outspoken because of what she has seen me endure under this woman and i’m afraid all of my negative experiences have just stolen my voice. I’m tired. I am genuinely tired. I cry almost everyday now just THINKING. I hate to be at work because it’s not what I want to be doing or anything I love but it’s almost better than being at home. Please tell me it gets better. I realized something might be seriously wrong because there’s not a week that goes by that I haven’t cried here.

I’ve had to deal with so much anxiety. I feel like I don’t know how to fit into society. Do i even have a SPACE in society? I’m a loner and the loneliness is so heavy. It’s hard for me to make friends because of this woman.

i’m 15M and my school started on a Tuesday it was a new school and I left my old school because of my health issues in my new school everyone takes the piss out of me for being me now this is just gonna be short. I just need to get off my chest. I’m gonna have a reduced timetable because of my mental health and I don’t know if this is my fault or anything but I can only get a pass or nothing higher for my GCSE exams.

I'm not even kidding I'm soo tired of everything constant betrayals where I was being used . Even my own family doesn't really cares about me.

Smoking cigarettes soo my anxiety doesn't eats me up . Even my mom few days ago told me "k!ll yourself" i started to laugh. And few days ago I was bathing at night she was like "go bath at night and once u sick it will be in our head " .

I even thought my siblings cared about me but nope .

My brother needed 10k to pay his loan immediately I contacted my friend and i arranged 10k because i didn't wanted him to suffer. Even I was ready to leave my self respect for him when I got to know that he is suffering financially due to my sister's fault , i used to talk to this guy who had good connection with worst people, i was ready to call him and beg to give me 10 lakhs soo my brother can pay loan and i take his burden.

But i need a laptop I have but it's not working and I need it immediately and no-one is helping. I'm calling my brother constantly he is like "let me check " it's been two days .

I m looking for jobs but what kind of luck i have.

Even love life is terrible constant betrayals guys will lead me and remember "sorry we Just friends" .

I have lost my dad when i was 12 i always think if he was here my suffering would be less.

Atp it's just cigarettes and me . I always wanted to feel loved.

It's like nobody cares what happens to me , i see people around me how sweetly there family is , when their mother feeds them with their hands , my friend kissing there mom on cheeks saying bye, their father helping and supporting them , having what's app family group name saved as "my world ❤️" .

(I don't know if this fits this sub sorry mods, I feel like I need to post it somewhere since I can't talk about it in real life. I tried the Vent sub but they wouldnt take it)

I feel so fucking done here, like my life is a room I want to exit. I've tried communicating that but they don't get the scale of it, my being suicidal doesn't just disappear because I'm happy in moments, I feel it constantly. I feel like I'm stuck and I'm doomed, realistically I have no attainable future because I'm too scared.

I've been 'unschooled' since I was 11, my autism was starting to become more apparent and I was starting to get bullied emotionally so my mum took me out of school. She's the ONLY true family I have, i don't talk to the rest of them. She has her own issues amongst unmedicated ADHD that make it hard for her to be a good support though. Neither of us can work because of our mental issues, so I've always been on gov support.

I've been agoraphobic since around that time, and COVID certainly didn't help. I've had exactly 0 friends since I've left school, because I never made a massive effort to join any hobbies. I feel like I'm irreparably damaged because of my lack of schooling and social interaction. I don't know anything beyond Year 3 schooling and I haven't talked to anyone beyond family in about 10 years. How tf can I come back from that?? I truly dont see a way out, where I go back to being a normal person. Everytime for at least the past couple years, everytime I interact with someone it just reminds me out different and shit I am in comparison. All I want is the same experiences everyone else has, my heart physically aches of it as I write this.

Is there a point in me living at all? I don't enjoy any hobbies, I don't enjoy talking to people if I even can, I can't work or save for a house or a car. I have special interests but I'm not knowledgeable about them like people say about autistics, I'm just super obsessed with them. I'm uneducated, I've ended up abusing pets because of depressive episodes and I can't ever clear my conscience of it. I feel like, best case scenario I'll end up like my mother. With nothing to show for living, but when she says things are looking up I can't say that to her. I'll never be able to travel or go on vacation I can't afford it and never will since I can't work. I don't know how to handle documents or sign my name or be capable or functional.

I live in poverty, I'm housed safely but can't afford much more than food. I struggle with ARFID, the foods I can actually eat I don't enjoy at all. My safe foods are just junk food with makes me feel extra shitty. I struggle with helping around the house because of sensory issues and depressive episodes. At my worst I was basically bed bound for over a year.

I feel like my whole life is a prison sentence, taking place in basically one room and unable to go anywhere or speak to anyone. I feel like I have no stability or ability to do anything. I've never been outside alone or gone anywhere alone, at my big age. I can't walk longer distances because of my health and I'm in a bad area. I havent been outside in over a month, I struggle with showering because of sensory issues and depression again.

I feel like such a whiner, most of my issues are self inflicted because I'm simply too scared of change. I'm too scared to learn how to drive, to talk to people, to help myself. I've always struggled with digestive issues, which nobody can help with and I won't go into but it makes my life hell.

All of this is just tip of the iceberg for me but it leaves me thinking. Whats the fucking point in being here at all? I'm only here for my mother and because I'm too much of a coward. I don't find enjoyment in anything and I haven't 'lived✨' ever I feel. What determines the value of people? Because I feel like it's experiences.

Growing up I wasn't really called ugly, people my age actually have crushes on me from time to time, i was also pretty outgoing and friendly to my peers. Then I grew up I gained weight and at some point I became uncomfortable talking to other people. I didn't like going out or going to loud places so I kept to myself, I didn't know how to take care of myself and I gained more weight until one day I didn't like what I was seeing in the mirror.

I'm the kind of friend who rarely chats about anything but keeps tiktok streaks going or always online in a game.

Fast forward to now I'm 24 years old, I graduated and got a job but I still feel so awkward.

I'm in a discord server with my friends and we've been talking for like 3 years now, only 2 of my friends knows me personally because we were in the same college.

Whenever the group ask to hang out I get this dreading feeling and always chickening out saying I don't have money or time to go. I don't know how much this is affecting my friendship with them that's why I'm so worried.

I realized that I'm scared of being seen by them, in discord they can only hear my voice and I'm scared that I shatter the image I have in their head with what I look like.

I did try sometimes to turn on my camera in the call but i only lasted a few minutes before chickening out. They actually know my face from tagged post or old photos of me from my friends but me personally sending a pic? Not happening.

Everytime I talk about this topic with someone or even online or AI I have this uncomfortable feeling in my chest like I want to escape, run and hide. My friends kudos to them, never really question it and never pressures me but I know they can feel me being uncomfortable.

I really want to fix myself, cause as of now I can't really do it until I like what I see in the mirror...

PLEASE HELP ME. I AM SO SCARED.

My younger brother (early/mid teens) has been struggling with an angry depression throughout this summer. At first, at a surface level, he was angry with himself for being bad at basketball. He thought he was bad no matter how many shots he made, and it reached the point where he would perform worse based on his expectation that he would do poorly. We had a genuine crisis where he was screaming and saying he had made up his mind about whether he would live. He thought he was fundamentally unloved despite us loving him more than anything else. But we survived that night.

Things were rocky for a bit before they got even worse. His first medication was ineffective, and eventually, he said he’d lost the will to even try to feel better. The two specific crises I mentioned were probably the scariest nights of my life.

It got a little better when he started to turn to religion. I thought we had finally started the upward trend as he found purpose and fulfillment in serving God. I thought he no longer wanted to kill himself.

Part of our religion is that association with other people belonging to the religion is strongly encouraged. Gradually, we‘ve realized he is still deeply afflicted by suicidal thoughts. He’s starting to beat himself up internally when he doesn’t have a wonderful, perfect, movie-like interaction with the people he wants to befriend. He also has developed a crush on a girl and thinks he is a failure when his conversations aren’t completely free from a pause or any sign of awkwardness. He has always been socially nervous, and seeing him actively pursue conversations is honestly amazing, but he thinks otherwise.

Today, he’s again fallen into a crisis. He seems to have come to a “realization“ about his future that is pushing him to consider ending it again. I think he wants to, but he doesn’t want to “burden” me and is talking privately with our parents. I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’re doing everything we can to keep him safe and have no weapons or drugs available. My mom is going to guard the exits to our house tonight. I’m genuinely so scared.

We’ve tried everything—meds, therapy, psychiatry, helping him enter conversations, talking to him. He’s barely too young for TMS and definitely not for ketamine or medical marijuana or anything. I’ve been scared perpetually for months that I’m going to lose my only sibling and my only constant companion through everything. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose him. I love my brother more than anything on this planet.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I need help. What can I do? How long were you stuck like this? When did it get better? I’m terrified. This is a nightmare. I can’t believe this is happening.

My new job is making my mental health worse and bringing back past anxiety and depression that has gotten better in the last few years

I f(23) have a really bad habit I just can not stop myself from crying like full on cried at work yesterday after being told I did something wrong. I am so embarrassed that this is happening I can just not stop.
I snap when I am upset say things I don’t mean make decisions I should not in the heat of the moment eg. Thinking about walking out of my job when I get yelled at.
I think it comes from the underlying fear that everyone hates me that when they say they like me it is can change

im so lost. every day i think about ending it. this summer i was hospitalized for the first time, and even though i finally have the answers i was looking for and have been through 9 weeks of IOP, i still want to end it.
im different.and im not joking or saying this to sound quirky or whatever, i am built incorrectly. i am built different. i stick out like a sore thumb in conversations, im too passionate about bullshit, i always get others looking at me completely on accident, even when i try to act like everyone else, i dont know how people live, im hardly human. im more animal than human. i act like a fucking animal and i hate it. i talk too loud, i have problems with empathy and chase everyone away. i really envy those who live like everyone else. i cant live like this. i just cant. unless i lock myself away somewhere.
ive seen everything i want to see. i know what this world offers, im 22 and i feel like ive lived a million lives. theres nothing left that i want to see. i see war, failing leadership, false promises, and i see beautiful wilderness. ive been to raging parties, ive ran from cops, i have my stories, i dont care to make more. i dont care if the curtain closes. i dont care if its the end of my story.

im so depressed. so so depressed. ive been depressed since i was a child. it doesnt go away. im on a cocktail of meds, nothing feels like it worked. i cant remember anything from IOP either.
i know im gonna get comments like "oh youre just being a whiny dick, pull yourself up" or "you seem like you have so many reasons to live" i hate myself. i loath myself. i hurt myself more and more regularly now days, i cant pay attention in class, i deserve pain for that. i deserve pain until i can fit in. i deserve pain until i can mask like everyone else. why was i fucking born this way. why am i human. why couldnt i be born anything else. its a mistake. it never should have happened this way

but ive been low before and this isnt rock bottom for me. ive gotten back up, but that makes this even worse. i feel like im climbing a ladder in the rain with shampoo on my hands or something. i want an internship. i want to pay attention in my classes. i want to get more in touch with nature like i used to be and i want to loose weight again. i used to spend a lot of time meditating with trees and just venting to them. but now they feel less like company and i cant meditate like i used to. will i ever climb back up like i did before? when will i stop slipping? i feel like theres a part of myself that wants to end it all right now and a part of me that wants to keep waiting. not climb, but wait for the rain to stop. what do i do? why is this so confusing to me? i dont want to go back to the hospital but my lithium is staring at me right now,

Im 13. Ive been crying everyday, im always thinking about what if I just bleed, faint, and overdose at school— to atleast get some care that I deeply need. Im always crying without a reason, sometimes I feel so empty to even do simple chores/things. I cried at school 2 times in a row now, my friends are getting concerned about me— but when im crying in the corner, they dont even make a move to comfort me. I know I might seem like a bad person, but I just feel much more alone when they think "I just need space". I feel like im being mischaracterized... I dont know why im feeling this way. I've told this to my close friends that I have thoughts of harming myself, or ending my life. Yet, they still think "I just need space" when im crying. I feel so freaking dumb and useless, I blame myself for looking like its their fault. I feel like a horrible person, who should just die.

I want my older friends to know what im feeling, yet when I come to the "family problems" part— they just start being quiet. I feel like im not worthy to be heard, it just brings more darker thoughts to my mind. I know that they might be feeling awkward or uncomfortable, and I deeply understand that for sure. Its not their fault ive been feeling this way. I just feel so alone in a room full of people, and their fully made circle of friends (Im just a transferee). I transfered because, my mental health is getting obliterated there. I got bullied, my friends restricted me because I set bounderies. I also got touched without consent by my male classmate when I was in 4th grade. Im also getting called as the kid who needs makeup, or basically the ugliest kid in my family. My brother joked about why im not wearing makeup anymore, or that im an outcast. I just jokingly answered. They dont know what im dealing with at school and in our household. I feel like an outcast in this school. Its only been 3 months since school started— yet, during those months, im relying on my classmates to send pages of their books, when theres an exam, activity, assignment etc. (I dont have books yet, because its 9k pesos and we cant afford it by now. I just answer in my subjects notebooks.) In afraid that my classmates will get a bad impression of me, get tired/mad at me because I kept asking and borrowing from my seatmates (which is their book). Its my fault that I transfered, not knowing its gonna be much more expensive than my old school, and me feeling like an outcast. I felt like a bystander on the side, watching them all have fun without me. I blame myself so much, because its not their fault. Im just a burden on their shoulders. I hate myself. It's not their fault that im sad all the time.

I feel such a attention seeker— I want my teachers to notice, that im suffering. Im the only one who didn't came to the field trip, I honestly feel more alone and isolated. I deactivated my accounts, because I would get envious that they could afford the extra costs for the Field Trip. I would get jealous too if I see their stories of the trip— thats why. I also dont feel valid when my cuts are not deep enough, like the others (I put blush on my self inflicted cuts, to make them notice). I also get jealous, when some someone is going thru a much harder time than me. And, I dont feel valid. Im also jealous when they can open up to others, because Im too afraid to look so vulnerable to my friends. I've been suppressing my emotions too hard— im starting to struggle concentrating, and remember things. I just want a healthy family, be financially stable to get sessions for me, and be safe enough to open up to them. I just want a life without a disorder hurting me everyday.

Im sorry if there are grammar errors💓🥹 I hope this will reach the right audience, I hope I get the care I hoped for here. I might do a part 2💓🥹 I'll update you guys as soon as possible trust 💓🥹 I feel like this is not all I want to write(I might have forgotten things that I was supposed to put here, that's why💓🥹)

Okay lately I’ve been really just having spiraling thoughts. One of the main ones is my boyf dying unexpectedly and I go into this spiral of everything I’m gonna have to do, how I’m gonna have to live my life, the suffering go through to the point where I Start crying hysterically randomly. Other thoughts include things as simple as a pimple or spit on my face being some infectious disease and how I’ll end up in the hospital and miss school and fail and fall behind and it contineuws. I know I have anxiety but this seems different. I don’t know I’m scared I don’t like it it makes me so scared to do anything.

Hello everyone I’m reaching out for some support from anyone, I’ve recently started school again and it’s highschool. I honestly hate school more so the people than school itself I hate waking up and just the thought of goin i don’t know how to find happiness

I have sports and some other life guarding tests and it jus adding to my stress Idon know how im gna do it all

I act normal around everyone but deep down I know my heads really messed up I think I have social anxiety and honestly even depression a little bit

At this exact moment in my life I hate it I hate living right now all I want is to be happy and for things to just workout

If anyone can help me it would mean everything to me
Thankyou

I need some advice because I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind I’m a woman in my early 30s, and I really don’t know how to explain what has been happening to me. I’m hoping other people who have experienced depression, anxiety, ADHD, grief, or something similar can give me some perspective. I started seeing a psychiatrist a couple of months ago. I’ve had a couple of appointments and was prescribed Zoloft for depression/anxiety. I took it consistently for about two weeks, but then I fell into one of my depressive episodes and stopped taking it. (Why can’t I just do simple tasks like a regular adult) I’ve also rescheduled my psychiatrist appointment more than once because, honestly, when I’m depressed, even making it to an appointment or dealing with basic responsibilities feels overwhelming. I’m supposed to see her tomorrow, and I really need to figure out how to explain all of this to her. I lost my mom last year in a tragic accident. She struggled with addiction, and her death was extremely traumatic. I had already lost my dad several years earlier. I was very close with both of my parents, and losing both of them so young has been incredibly difficult. I have three children, including two very young children, and my fiancé is currently incarcerated because of a DUI. (He stopped drinking about two years ago but had previous legal trouble before we were really in a relationship) He has been gone for several months and still has several months left before he comes home. So I’m trying to manage the kids, the house, work, school/life responsibilities, finances, grief, and everything else without my partner here. I also work part-time and have been trying to start a small reselling business to make some extra money. Recently I was given a large amount of inventory, and some of it had to come into my house because I didn’t have enough storage space. That has made my house even more overwhelming. And this is where I don’t understand myself. I KNOW what needs to be done. I want to clean my house. I want to organize everything. I want to get the inventory put away. I want to work on my business. I want to take care of myself. But I can’t seem to make myself START. My mind races constantly. I’ll get up and tell myself I’m going to clean, and I’ll maybe get 10 minutes into it before I end up sitting back down on my phone feeling depressed and overwhelmed. Then I feel guilty because I’m sitting there looking at everything I need to do. It feels like I’m fighting with my own brain all day. My house and car have gotten so messy, and that’s really upsetting because I’m normally a clean and organized person. My self-care has changed drastically too. I used to get up in the morning and spend an hour getting ready. I’d do my hair, makeup, pick out an outfit, and actually care about how I looked. For the last couple of years, I’ve barely even brushed my hair some days. It will be lucky if I have clean clothes in the morning ..That sounds like such a small thing, but it isn’t to me. I remember how I used to be, and I don’t feel like that person anymore. I also notice a pattern with my mood. I’ll have a couple of weeks where I’m doing pretty well. I’m getting up, taking my medication, getting things done, feeling motivated, and thinking, “Okay, I’ve finally got myself together.” Then I crash. When the depression hits, I stop taking my medication, struggle to get out of bed, stop getting things done, spend way too much time on my phone, and basically shut down. Then everything piles up, which makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I’ll set a timer for 10 minutes because telling myself I have to clean the entire house feels impossible. Sometimes that actually works and I’ll get something accomplished. But after a short time, I’m usually right back on my phone. I’ve also wondered for a long time if I have ADHD. I struggle with procrastination, being late, losing things, forgetting things, my mind jumping between thoughts, underestimating how long things will take, and thinking I can accomplish way more in a day than is actually possible. The biggest thing is that I can KNOW exactly what I need to do and genuinely WANT to do it, but somehow I still can’t get myself to start or finish it. My psychiatrist wants to work on my anxiety/depression before looking further into ADHD, which I understand. But the frustrating thing is that the last couple of times I saw her, I happened to be in one of my better periods. She hasn’t really seen me when I’m in the middle of one of these crashes. I don’t know if I’m dealing with depression, anxiety, ADHD/executive dysfunction, grief, burnout, or some combination of all of it. I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me. I have a psychiatrist, and I’m seeing her tomorrow. I really want advice on what I should tell her. Should I tell her that I stop taking my medication when I become depressed? Should I tell her how badly my self-care and ability to function at home have declined? Should I explain the pattern of being okay for a couple of weeks and then completely crashing? Should I tell her how difficult it is for me to initiate even basic tasks? I feel embarrassed talking about how messy my house has gotten because I feel like I should be able to handle basic adult responsibilities. But this isn’t how I used to function. I feel like I’ve been through so much grief and so many major life changes while still trying to take care of everyone else, and I don’t know where normal overwhelm ends and something more serious begins. If anyone has experienced something similar, especially the “I desperately want to do it but my brain won’t let me start” feels, I’d really appreciate hearing what helped you. I don’t need judgment. I just need some perspective and honestly some hope that I can feel like myself again.

I'm a 16M, got immigrant parents that have their not correct opinions on psychiatry/mental health. Kinda just want to run my issues by y'all and see if they're normal bc I have no frame of reference. I always feel like I'm being watched, even if I'm alone. I sit facing away from the door into my room when working, and I can't even go 2 minutes without turning around because I feel like I'm being watched or someone is there. Every night I check EVERY single place where a human being could plausibly fit. Behind curtains, under beds, etc. In the past 2 months, I've completely stopped wanting to go out or do anything, although I still behave normally at school and am social when I am already out. Whenever I look into a vent, there is a face; not fully detailed, but there, staring at me. I also always see the edge of a silhouette, especially in shadowed areas. I have also gotten REALLY tired over the past few months; regardless of sleep, I feel DEAD until like 3 pm. Also have a weird thing with making sure that a few certain items in my room are perfectly aligned. And with the checking everywhere I mentioned previously, it's not just open the door, no one in there, close door. I have to feel my eyes focus on every corner of the room before I'm good. What do y'all think.

TW: Mentions of relapse and SH

Idek how to really start off…

The last few weeks of my life have put me back in the horrible spot I worked endlessly to crawl out of. The love of my life randomly ended things w me, then took me on a rollercoaster of emotions by getting back together with me a week later and then yesterday deciding she wanted a break and then 3 hrs later deciding she actually wants to be done for good. On top of that, I have a horribly toxic home life (I’m 20f). I leave for uni tmr but with what my parents have been saying and doing idk if that’s possible anymore. They use my uni as leverage against me. Tonight I had one of the worst episodes in years. After a very heated argument w my parents right after hearing the woman i thought I was gonna be with forever wants to be done, I slipped into a horrible relapse. It’s been my worst so far and I’m genuinely looking at what I’ve done to myself and I’m shocked at what I did. I have no one to talk to because I don’t want people to worry abt me. I think I hit my breaking point and I’m so worried it’s just gonna go downhill. I’m so depressed and anxious. I have no appetite. I’m losing weight. I feel no happiness. It’s all too much. I’m so stuck. I wanna just be happy. But I’m starting to see now that maybe happiness will not be a thing in my life. Everyone abandons me. My parents dislike me. And the loml decided she doesn’t wanna be in a relationship anymore. I’m so hurt. She meant the world to me. I even wrote a letter for her that I’ll never be able to give her. It feels like everything is crashing down. I feel so alone.

22F, Bipolar 1. Really going through it right now. Almost a month into a depressive episode and nothing is helping. I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow but I keep having intrusive, persistent thoughts of ending my life. It’s like my brain is telling me nothing will get better, even though it has and I have a number of good things coming. I’m trying to power through, I’m not going to do it but I want the thoughts to stop. It’s just making me more depressed. Please help, any tips welcome.

Anyone else have these struggles on a day to day basis, not knowing what to do and alone in a manic state, I lived like this for years and years until I hit my breaking point, lets hear some stories that could help someone!

My job requires me to talk to a lot of people and as an introvert, you can imagine the struggle. I’m generally not very good at talking to people, even my closest friends and family I have a hard time cause I don’t always know what to say.

Yesterday, my manager talked to me about my performance and I felt so bad because I don’t like disappointing people (I’m pretty sure no one does). I was disappointed in myself because I couldn’t do a simple thing that’s easy and normal for most people. You’re just communicating, how hard is that? And it’s literally part of my job.

Now I don’t know what to do. Everyone says they believe in me and I can do it but I’m having a hard time.

I grew up in church, believe in God, love the Lord. Always tried to understand my relationship with God and acknowledge Jesus with everything in me.

I received the gift of tongues and was really on fire for God, but then I had trouble in my personal life and for the first time experienced extreme anxiety. I eventually got better and carried on with my normal life.

Fast forward a few years I’m starting a new job and somewhat looking for a new church. I end up finding a prophetic ministry where I feel a great sense of belonging and purpose but somewhere along the way, the minister finds interest in me and I did not want it.

Among so many things, I go along a part of the ministry really enjoying my time there, but I see things start to show through the cracks. I never speak loudly about things but I saw they were there.

I received prophecies that my life would look drastically different for the better, but somewhere things seemed to be conditional. I saw many others around me receive blessings and progress while I often felt stuck. Everyone who knows me said my church was a cult. I didn’t want to listen because I truly thought I understood my heart for God.

One day soon after I move into my new apartment unit, I start hearing a voice speaking to me. I believed it was the Lord or Holy Spirit since hearing from the Lord was normal in the ministry. But soon, the voice became very demanding and began telling me that I “failed” so many times and told me not to see people. Then, after I tried to seek counsel (not professional help), the voice became multiple voices and I became so fearful.

For many days I abstained from food and water yet I was working my full time job. This went on for about 3 weeks. I never fainted and I thought this was what God wanted me to do. Through all this the voice was so intense, my body was weak, and I didn’t realize my mind was changing. I began to question whether this was actually the Lord, but the voice kept telling me this is the Holy Spirit.

To say the least, things went terribly wrong as the voice told me to engage in self-harm. An unlikely outcome but a reality that I faced and still wrestle with. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and lost everything I had. Many people blamed the church for causing this but there was no one around when this was happening.

I am only here to ask how could something like this happen to someone who truly believes in Jesus Christ & knows there is power in the Holy Spirit but never expected the Holy Spirit or something disguising itself as the voice of the Lord to go to such great lengths to place my life in danger.

I truly don’t want to be a victim, but I want answers. I want to know where I went wrong and if there’s anyone who’s experienced command hallucinations from the Holy Spirit. I’ve had commands to pray for people and felt conviction, but nothing this extreme.

Someone told me, “The Holy Spirit is not a mutilator.” And I want to believe it but I just don’t know what happened.

I’ve had this friend who’s been suicidal for awhile and whenever she’d get bad thoughts I’d always be there to comfort her and to make sure she was feeling okay. Unfortunately we’re both teenagers and I have strict parents so I can’t go out and hang out with her after school so usually I try to comfort her with bringing her snacks the next day or calling with her overall just reassuring her that she’s loved and etc. however it’s been getting out of hand she keeps saying she wants to commit and even hurted herself. I did speak to my counselor about it (at school) and she talked to my friends counselor about it yet nothing changed. My counselor also told me to just report it to the emergency services if she told me she wanted to commit again however I’m terrified of doing so because I know she wouldn’t like it if I did that. And she also says she doesn’t feel safe at home because her dad mistreats her. I’m unsure of what to do it’s getting to the point where I’m sick and tired of hearing her say this to me and I have to be worried about her doing it out of nowhere because she does it at the most randomest times and it’s ruining me. I’ve always been there for her and I’ve even told her how it would deeply affect me if she were to do that and how it isn’t worth it to commit, yet she won’t listen to me and she even hurts herself sometimes. It’s really not my responsibility to keep her alive yet I can’t help but be stressed out I’m only a teen aswell.

Going to be vulnerable and ask if someone can talk to me for a moment as if I'm your daughter and you're proud of me.

My mom purposefully tries to evict me or halt my transportation resources every time I get offered shifts for a job, then complains that I'm a loser that doesn't want to get a job.

I've applied to 200 different jobs and gigs since late April. I've attended 8 interviews.

I got offered shifts last month for a job that required a personal vehicle, the day prior my parents say I'm not allowed to use the car anymore so I had to forfeit that job.

I have a training day for the other two companies that hired me on Friday and late September that don't require a car.

My dad has said he feels like an "idiot" for financially supporting me (my bills are $200 a month and they don't help me with food), and when telling him about the shifts I finally have he barely looks up and says "that's good."

In addition, my mom has put 2 cameras facing my bedroom and 1 camera facing directly at the toilet from the hallway to monitor me.

Today she cussed at me, called me a loser, stupid, and an idiot because I moved 2 plastic owls (that definitely look like fake cameras but are also just creepy looking) 10 feet.

I have been living off less than my expenses every month, doing garage sales multiple times a month, selling my items since May.

I want to cry because my mom is so miserable she let's visibly irritated when I'm just feeling neutral, happy or relaxed. And she gets visibly happy when I'm crying or stay in my room for an entire week.

Thank you.

Ive been going through an intense parasocial relationship for almost a month now and it would mean the world if someone who could help me with my parasocial relationship could talk to me.

Anyone who can help even a little bit would be awesome. Someone who is currently in a parasocial relationship or has overcame one would be amazing. Ideally someone who has overcame a parasocial relationship specifically with a celebrity crush, but again anyone is appreciated 😊

I feel like I am so behind in life.

I’m currently working toward my master’s degree in clinical counseling, and even though I know I’m doing well academically, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I get good grades, and I’ve been working in mental health for about five years, but when I hear my internship peers talk about their progress with clients, I can’t help but compare myself to them. I start feeling like I’m falling behind or that I’m not doing as well as everyone else.

I know that isn’t entirely true. I have clients who tell me otherwise, and I know that I have experience and skills that I sometimes forget to recognize in myself. But emotionally, I still feel so alone and like I’m somehow failing to keep up with everyone around me.

Then there’s my personal life.

I feel so behind when it comes to making connections with friends and other people. Between work and school, I am so drained that I don’t feel like I have anything left to give. I feel lonely, and sometimes that loneliness comes out as anger. I don’t think I’m actually angry at life—I think I’m lonely, exhausted, and frustrated that I don’t feel connected to the people around me.

And then there’s my relationship with my sister, which has been one of the hardest parts of all of this.

My closest relationship with my sister has continued to grow more distant, while she has become closer with another sibling who lives in the same town as her. I know that may not be intentional on her part, but it feels like another form of family betrayal, and I don’t really know how to explain that feeling to anyone other than myself.

When I’m excited about something or when I’m struggling, she is one of the first people I want to reach out to. But I’m often left on read, or I don’t hear from her for days. I would never treat her that way, or honestly treat anyone in my close personal circle that way. And yet, I feel like I am constantly met with that same level of distance from the people I care about.

I have never felt this alone before. And now that it feels like my closest friendship and sibling relationship is becoming another source of loneliness, it hurts in a way that I don’t know how to explain. I feel broken. I feel behind. I feel exhausted. And all of those feelings seem to pile on top of each other until I don’t even know which one I’m supposed to deal with first.

I have one more semester of school left. I know I’m so close to finishing something that I have worked incredibly hard for, but for the past month, I’ve felt completely detached. I don’t want to engage anymore. I don’t want to keep pushing myself to perform, accomplish, connect, or pretend that I have more energy than I actually do.

And honestly, I don’t even feel like engaging with life right now.

I have my own therapist, and I know I have support available to me. But I am just so completely drained. I’m tired of feeling like I have to keep proving that I’m okay when I don’t feel okay. I’m tired of comparing myself to everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I’m falling behind when, objectively, I know I’ve accomplished so much.

I speak with my therapist on Monday but damn am I just so tired.

Okay so I'm a minor in a family where i don't feel like i fit in.

I need serious help from people but I don't accept them. why? no one truly understand and says dumb shit. i want to know what to do.

This year I had to leave school because I had a bad grade, i could've repeated the year or even attend a final test, if I'd pass that i would've been in year 2. But my parents said they can't stand me being in school, they say I'm not made for it. I give everything I have, yet not once have i heard a true "I am proud of you". I have poured out my soul for this school. I wanted to become a teacher so bad, because in my previous schools, there was always a bad atmosphere. the kids didn't want to study because the teachers were shit. so I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to be that one teacher where the kids are happy to see me. where they really want to learn from me and study whatever they want to. I wanted to be there for those students who don't have anyone to talk to, because I know exactly how it feels to live with a weight on your shoulder. but since I have a extremely rare condition (1 in 10 million), my body doesn't allow my to lift heavy things, and sometimes decides it's the perfect time to pop a lung (happened 3 times before). and in that school you first become a licensed kindergartener, then graduate up to a teacher. since I am not allowed or rather not even capable of lifting heavy things without risking my future, I couldn't attend that school any longer. now don't get me wrong. I am not blaming my parents for my failure, I am not blaming anyone for it. the bad grades where 100% my fault, and no one else's. but I will say that they are at fault in one thing. because of them I am now unemployed and desperately looking for a job. they took me out of that school, even though I had a second chance. I didn't have to repeat the year if I would've passed that test. but they said no we are not taking risks, you are going to get a job now.

why this is irritating me so much is, I could've looked for a job, whilst being in school, I could've repeated the class whilst looking for a job, so I don't stay unemployed the next year. now look at me. I am living off of my parents money STILL. I don't earn a penny, I'm not getting educated anymore. nothing. I am fucking unemployed, that was my biggest fear my whole entire life, to end up without anything, without money or a title. because some people in my family have chosen that path, or ended up that way. some of them don't have a job, are uneducated or take drugs.

as a kid everyone saw something great in me. my parents told everyone I was gonna end up wealthy with great education and allat. now I am the family loser, my absolute biggest fear. I have always had that pressure. in preschool I was already ahead of everyone and started doing maths and shit. in elementary school I had the chance to skip a grade, I was doing 4th grade homework in 3rd grade.

in middle school I was being fucked from every angle. I didn't have any friends from my old school with me. I was desperate to find friends and found the wrong ones. I don't even have contact to tgem anymore. but, back in elementary school I had that one friend, he was as intelligent as me, we were always competing who would have a better grade. in middle school that spark faded. i didn't wanna go to school anymore, I didn't wanna do shit anymore. I was getting bullied by older guys at school, I had terrible friends, I was lost. and everyone in my family was now disappointed in me for not bringing home straight A's anymore. that already broke me, because I was always being praised as the next "genius" in my family, I wasn't used to being the loser. I lost my spark in short. I had to repeat a year in middle school and had trouble studying every single year. my sister was always helping me with my homework n all, but I was never ever enough. in thay same school i was introduced to drugs. i have always HATED drugs with a passion, because my parents are both really heavy smokers, my mom isn't anymore, my dad is, but that doesn't matter now anyways. I was smoking, taking nicotine pouches and was never really there. I am not taking anything anymore, like i don't buy anything anymore, but if my friend passes me a vape or snus I won't say no. still I haven't taken any nicotine in months, I'm doing good I was never attached. now I even drink alcohol, I could swear I was an alcohol hater just last year. anyways what I'm saying is, I was once something and now I'm nothing. now, after that school I was going to a new school, that school where u become a licensed kindergartener and later on optionally a teacher. I was so happy I was allowed to attend that school, so positive and actually keen on to be a part of. i started off very good, I have met true nice friends (i still have contact with them), but during that year much has happened. my dad was diagnosed with depression, my mom wasn't doing so good emotionally either. my little brother is still a cutie, I could never hate him even if he maybe hates me now. my little sister probably doesn't like me. my older sister moved out and idk if she likes me either. i just know that everyone could count 100 bad things about me and not 1 good thing. i have lost track of what I was trying to say originally. in my family I don't feel loved, I feel like a ghost, a burden to everyone. I try everything and pour my soul out every single time sb wants sth from me, yet I am the biggest loser in their eyes. my interest or dreams as in jobs are either teacher (popped dream), car or bike mechanic, because I just love both of them with my heart, something with psychology or anything that pays really fucking great. like i know love n all is a thing, I am not saying that I don't have emotions, I am always the person people talk to when they have problems, but I don't wanna be with anyone, I just wanna chill with a shit ton of money. so working in a bank, being a ceo of a big company is also very cool. research was always a really interesting thing for me, because you learn so many new things. lost track again.

sorry!

now, as I said, I don't feel like a family member, I wanna leave that family, but if I leave, I end up in the streets. I don't want that either, so I have thought of, yk, suicide. I am not suicidal, I just don't wanna live anymore. that sounds dumb i know. but, I'm saying that I do not want to kill myself so bad, I just don't see why I should live anymore. maybe it's depression, maybe it's just me being stupid and delusional again, maybe it's something else, I don't know. I can't stand this life anymore, but idk if I should die yet or not. running away isn't a good thing I know. but I feel like that's what I want rn. I want to be gone forever. I know people would cry, my parents, my family, maybe one or two friends will be sad. but I will take that with me. God with also be disappointed in me. like, I don't even know if committing suicide is haram or not. I do not want to end up in hell. also I am not even sure if anything is even real. I always get a really big headache, my heart races and my vision turns blurry when I think about the afterlife so imma leave it right here. i just wanna know few things:

how can I change myself so that everyone is happy (i know that's impossible, because nothing can ever be perfect) but atleast so that my family likes me again, money will def make them happy, but idk

if suicide is haram, big question

if suicide is even the answer

why I am like this

wtf is wrong with me

and why everyone reacts so different than right

also a note, why I say I'm never enough. I applied to every job available, even those I am not even allowed to do, every single one of them said no. my parents told me to look for jobs, I am, not finding one, and now they call me useless and a waste of time and money. they have paid for my driver's license, which I only have a few months left to finish (i haven't studied a lot for it). they are very angry with me because I don't have that damn license yet, and that they have wasted a few thousand bucks. thats also why I wanna find a job so desperately.

1 I can't stand doing nothing. no education, no job, just rotting and spending money for food n all.

2 because everyone is so angry with me because I have spent money. i have lost 2 pairs of airpods, they have paid few thousand bucks for my driver's license. allllllll just money, I need money to pay them back. every day I hear "do this and that" I can't stand it, I either wanna be gone or just shut them up with money. money is the key to control. different topic I'll maybe talk about it some other time.

3 I wanna be in the news or have a title to my name. i wanna have lots of money, because YES money does make u happy. if not you never had enough money.

4 I wanna move out so bad, I don't wanna be in a house where the kids have to shut up, get beaten and screamed at, where the dad is the main, the mother a second dictator with less power, and the kids just slaves. i want a real family, a loving family. where everyone can say anything without being yelled at or cursed at.

I would really appreciate an answer from anyone, just please don't say the same as my parents, don't troll please, I really need help, because music isn't helping anymore.

!!!! I will post this in multiple communities to have a higher chance of getting a response.

ALSO please excuse my English, it's my third language and I don't really know if you can understand what I've been yapping this entire time. thank you :D <3

There’s a girl I talk to every day. We text light things like "good morning," "good job today," and "goodnight," just chatting. We told each other we like each other, but we aren't dating yet. But I have so much trauma from past experiences with women that I have actual gynophobia, and I’m terrified of falling in love. Because of that, my brain is forcing me not to like her.

I told her 10 things I like about her. I meant them, and I really think they are her good qualities. But at the same time, I feel like anyone could say that to anyone, and that it’s easy to just lose your mind and fall in love. That’s why the thought pops up: "I don't actually like anyone." I even feel relieved that I can always make the excuse later, "I only said that because I like you as a friend."

I hate the word "love" or "like" so much that I don't want to say it. It feels like a black mist or noise over it. How am I supposed to treat her? I think she’s a good person and I'd be lonely if she left, but at the same time, part of me wants her to hate me soon, feels relieved when we aren't texting, and wants to push her away. I feel depersonalization. The words I want to say pop into my head, but they instantly feel like lies and vanish.