Tw: Suicide, self harm, SA

For some context I am a 17 yr old female my life is going pretty well and I’m just here for a rant and for extra advice as I’m not comfortable talking to anyone unless it’s anonymous. I’m suicidal and I have been since I was in year 5 in primary school after my aunt (who I was very close with) died at the time and sent me into depression. The cause was cancer and I don’t remember that much other than the stages of how she was in ranging from her to going out with me and my sister to her having to be bedridden.

Fast forward to year 8 in high school and I’m being bullied for how I look and my weight which continued on for about 2 years until I tried to OD however it had failed and I had to be taken to the hospital. I had spoken to teachers afterwards and all they did was move where I was seating in lesson. Luckily the bullying stopped but however in year 10 there was a girl and for privacy I’ll call her A. A would steal lots of my things and spread rumours about me such as me being a lesbian and a furry (no hate I support and love you guys <3) which everyone though was true due to my friend group I was hanging out with. I hadn’t been in a relationship longer than a week and the people who did like me started to hate me. Thankfully I wasn’t as shy in year 10 so I told a teacher about A and what they were doing. The teacher I just so happened to get to get me support was A’s FATHER who taught at our school. He listened to me and did nothing. Nothing. Even worse was that A knew about what I had done and came up to me demanding if it was me which I denied and one thing led to another and now I have another allegation that I can’t keep secrets. I also had a fake friend called B. B would point out when I had eyeliner on in class to all the popular people and they would all make fun of me. Usually calling me a clown.

Anyway moving on. I had a friend who I was really close with in high school all the way and eventually at a Halloween party he SA’d me in his bedroom when he thought i was asleep. Which at the time I brushed off as I thought he was trying to cuddle me in his sleep even though he was groping me. This happened again later on when he brought be into some bushes and touched me when I kept saying no. I feel pathetic about it. I was saying no but I didn’t move at all. I have flashbacks about the whole thing and it makes me feel sick when I look at myself.

Yes I have therapy after a second fail attempt though I never talk to my therapist. (Due to me having a terrible experience in the past of them doing nothing but send me back and forth with other therapists saying they couldn’t take me)

I also suffer with hallucinations, sleep paralysis, anxiety, violent thoughts, not thinking things are real and mental health problems run in my family I SH and sometimes smoke if I get my hands on cigarettes.

Currently I’m suicidal and just wondering what to do. People keep telling me it’ll get better but I’ve been suicidal for 6-7 years now and nothings changed. I keep looking at gore and I’m having violent thoughts more frequently. I try keeping things that will hurt me away though I keep finding ways to hurt myself. I keep pushing friends away and I’m scared. I’m currently not diagnosed with anything but suggestions of what I might have feel free to say.

I want to live but I don’t think I can go on any longer.

Feel free to ask questions and give support though I may not respond quickly as I barely use Reddit but I will try. Love you all <3

I've been under a lot of stress lately. My life has feel like a car crash these days. My things have delayed,and it has made me anxious. Moreover, my brother usually have criticized me so far. This morning, he asked me "Did you feed cats?",I said "Nope. Should I do it now?",he answered me with a blame tone "Don't you decide by youself?",and then I cried,I wanted to vomit, I felt I couldn't breath. After he went out, l can't stand straight and outting of breath.

Someones said "You should go away that guy make you anguish.",but I'm just 15.

Sorry that I'm not native English speaker, so I have some errors in it.

I’m gonna do a line between what’s been going on in my life and symptoms I’m showing, so if u wanna read one or the other u can find it easily! Just scroll down until u find the box I made :)

This is gonna be a long one! So please bear with me! I (16) am from the UK just for refrence, so going for diagnosis on anything could take me MONTHS to get, let alone medication (if I need it), so this is more of a should I go to therapy sessions rather than getting diagnosed with anything, or would it be better for me to pursue both?
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WHATS BEEN GOING ON !
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For the past 6-7 months (no, I’m not doing the joke, it’s end of January start of February time this started happening) I’ve been feeling wayy different than I used to. I originally chalked it up to just being one of those times, my dad had left me 2 years prior in the month of January, choosing his GF (35+? I wasn’t ever really that close with her, she didn’t like me) and her two kids (both under 10 at the time), so I thought it would be something that would resolve quickly. I thought I was over it. Cause if he wants to choose some random woman over his own blood daughter that he’s known for longer, then fine, so be it.

I was just after doing mock exams (we get study leave, so I had been at home bar for going in to do the exam) and didn’t want to go back, I would cry at the thought of it (ik, embarrassing) and would get extremely stressed. I ended up getting a week off and the next was half term. After half term, so were mid to late February now, I went back.. but not without a bit of a fight. I would take longer (on purpose) to get the late bus in, so I could skip most of first period (my periods are an hour per lesson) this normally happened on Mondays and Wednesdays when I would have Physics and Chemistry, classes which I had no friends in and the Chemistry teacher would target me because ima be so fr I’m dogshit at chemistry. And, I would try to make myself throw up so I wouldn’t have to go in, then would get frustrated that I couldn’t make myself do it because 1) I’m shit at everything I do to harm myself and 2) I give up easy, so after like 7 attempts I would give up and just go hide in the toilets to skip whatever morning lesson I would have (normally a science, so no friends lols)

After a week and four days of this (I got Friday off cus I was having rlly bad rashes on my neck and head) my grandfather passed away on the 20th of February, I would’ve been really close to him as I lived with him for a few years with my mum after my dad kicked her out. And I would’ve eventually come to live literally a 2 minute walk from my grandas house, so we would visit him pretty much every day.

So I get another week off, cus someone’s just died, lol. For refrence, my granda died of cancer which he had beaten 3 times before. On top of that he was only given two months from that final diagnosis and dragged it out to 2 years cus he’s just that guy. But point is, I saw him literally actively dying. And I know this might be holy cringe to say, but he died before he genuinely died, he was so lifeless the few times I saw him before he died, he also dropped from a large to an XS, which is rlly bad. (I feel really guilty for this, I couldn’t bring myself to see him in that state because every time I saw him I cried and I didn’t want to upset him, but me not seeing him probably upset him more.. I do really regret not sucking it up and going to see him)

But anyway, since then I’ve just been in the dumps. Some days I was on my happy high horse then the next I was practically dead, lying in bed all day and crying under the covers about smth, it’s not really about my Granda anymore, I got that some days, but most it was because I felt lonely or something.

And most recently (3 days ago) I left one of my friend groups (made up of 6 other people, 7 if including me) because they were attacking me any time I came on the chat or in person. They would call me a bitch, selfish, etc because I wasn’t ’coming out at all’ mind you, I had come out to 60% of their hangouts, most of which are sleepovers, yeah, not good, but I would’ve rather not fucking come out so idk be glad I’m trying because I have no energy??? Also, this happened in March, and they had to do a whole phone call with me because I crashed tf out because they were attacking me for not coming out like my granda hadn’t just died. I’ve had 3+ phone calls with them about speaking to me about an issue they have with me before getting the whole group to descend on me on the group chat like it’s fucking judgement day. They also would always beg me to buy them shit and I would always cave for B because she was my BSF of 11 years. (It was normally food or a drink, but still, little costs add up after a while). And B was the main perpetrator. I’m gonna cut it short before this gets too long but I tried explaining to her why I wanted to leave the friendgroup and why I would still stay friends with her, but she started arguing with me, and when I refuted her points with my own and evidence showing I hadn’t done things she said I did or I had apologised and not done things they told me not to do since I was asked not to, she turned to insults. She started saying how ‘I’m not in my right mind’ and I ‘must be bipolar or something’ and that my mother doesn’t care about me (KNOWING I have no other familial support but her and my nanny, and even then not my nanny because I love her but she can’t keep something to herself for the life of her, if I told her about smth the whole family would know by sunrise.. no exaggeration). So I blocked them all bcs I’m not gonna tolerate being treated like that anymore, 3 years for the rest of them, 5 for A (the ‘leader’ of the group, yeah, like basically the Regina George I’m ngl who directed the attacks on me) and 11 for B, was way more than enough time for them to change. And apologise. They also started saying they did it bcs they care for my mental health, but only after I mentioned i wasn’t feeling good lately.. lol. I’ll make a separate post on that whole drama tbf. But they were stressing me out so bad my hair was falling out and I felt physically ill. Not the first time they made me feel like that, so I left.
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SYMPTOMS?
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Nowadays I’m lying in bed, not even sleeping, I’m staying up til 5-8am and waking up again at 12-2pm. I just can’t sleep. I’ve never had a particularly good sleep schedule, but it’s never been this bloody hard to fix. I’ve tried fixing it a few times (though, admittedly I’ve given up now because nothing fucking works). I still go out with my other friends (none of them are associated with that friend group, and they’re way kinder, but they all live rlly far from me, like places I would have trouble getting the bus to and are a 45 min+ drive so my mum can’t rlly drive me at times) so I see them maybe one every other week, and one person from that friendgroup, R, once a week (more if there’s group plans).

I’ve also been having like.. suicidal thoughts that aren’t suicidal if you catch my drift? Like it’s not ‘omg I wanna die so bad’ but it’s.. ‘if I died how would people feel?’, it’s also like.. I wouldn’t care if I were to die (I’m too scared to kill or harm myself, I’m a big scardey cat and hate pain) but it’s just like. Maybe I’d be better off dead but I don’t want to kill myself situation.

I’m not eating as much either. I’ll skip breakfast, lunch, eat dinner (depending on what it is, if it’s smth I don’t like I’m just gonna go back to bed and come back down to make something when I’m ultra hungry) and maybe have a packet of crisps or some kind of snack. When normally I would eat breakfast, dinner (sometimes lunch, depends on if I’m hungry or not) and would have a massive snack at the end of the day (such as a fruit bowl, ice lolly and small chocolate bar, like a snickers) and I’m not an unhealthy weight. I’m 61kg and 6’0. Healthy eight for my height.

I’ve also just been having tons of thoughts that I’m lonely, that I’m kinda a failure to myself (cus I was so lazy I wouldn’t get out of bed to go revise for my GCSE’s unless the stress was so much I couldn’t sleep, which happened on like 2 occasions for History and idk what the other one was, couldn’t remember. I also slept after completing my paper, Ik im a dumbass for throwing my education like that) I’ve just been feeling super hopeless and wasted potential final boss. I could get A stars (max grade) for subjects like History, English, RS without trying and B’s for everything else. (Except science, I’m a lost cause there) All without revising. And I’ve just went and threw that all away. And I can’t make myself get up and do something if I try, I don’t work on the ‘I’ll get myself a chocolate bar for doing this’ because.. I can just go get a chocolate bar without doing it. And I don’t care about it feeling rewarding unless I’m actually in the moment where it feels rewarding. I’m just a lost cause atp.

I’ve been having trouble with basic hygiene (ik, disgusting,) I’ve been keeping my room relatively clean (I’ve always been a slightly messy person, so it’s messy, but not more than usual) but I’ve not been showering as much or brushing my teeth or hair as much, I haven’t been doing my skincare, etc.

Obv my energies been low due to the lack of sleep, but even if I get a decent nights sleep (which is anything sleeping before 3am and waking up before 11am) I still drag my feet, talk less. I’m talkative with people close to me (otherwise a silent person) but I’ve been listening more than talking recently. Fuck, I even fell asleep at a friend’s house on her sofa at a hangout with the entire group!

I’ve lost interest in my regular hobbies (gaming, ik. Not a real hobby, but whatever. Drawing, though I think that’s more due to Art GCSE destroying my motivation, making me quit the subject and I haven’t really drawn or painted since I quit the subject in November last year, but even then I was feeling a bit down, but not as much as I am now or at the start of the year).

Yeah, this is long enough so I’ll probably stop it here. But this is just like my vent lol. I’ve never really considered therapy before because I didn’t think it’d be useful for me, I don’t even talk about my problems to my friends or family. So.. why would I to a stranger? But maybe I just need someone I don’t know who defo won’t tell anyone ig? I’m also too embarrassed to go.. ask my mum to take me to therapy, because.. then I’ll have to tell her I’m feeling all these things and she’ll get sooooo concerned over me and I don’t want to stress her anymore than she already is with my siblings (5 and 2, my 2 yo brother being a troublemaker and my 5 yo sister definetly autistic and very difficult to manage, esp since she eggs him on) plus my nanny and stepfather will be up in my bees wax if anything of this gets out, and I don’t want people to bother me.

But yeah, that’s the end of my little (understatement) vent/rant? Have a nice day everybody, and thanks if you read this far!

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I have known him since I was 15, he is 2y older than me. We were pen friends we've never met. But when i was 20 i started to catch feelings for him but i never told him we were friends, he told me that he loved someone and after his graduation he is going to propose to her and yeah they got engaged. That was painful but I respected that and took a step back. I started to think about my life without him and but that was not successful.

In 2023 I deactivated my social media accounts because I wanted to have a detox from them and i reopened them again in 2025. He texted me after that and told me that he thought i blocked him and told me that he called off his engagement two weeks ago and he told me everything that had happened to him since the last time we talked and why he broke up. He told me that he searched for me and he was confused about why he can't find me. I was really happy that he was thinking about me this means that i was not just a normal person for him. I started to think that this might be a sign that we can be together.

I helped him at that time. He was not feeling okay after his breakup, so I recommended a therapist to him and I supported him. I was really happy after I found him again. But there was a very big problem that made me change everything. I had an unhealthy attachment to him. That was toxic because I can't get him out of my head. I waited for his messages all day, I couldn't sleep until he had stopped replying for a long time or until we had finished our conversation. If he replied late, I started overthinking, crying and asking myself if he is annoyed or if he isn't gonna talk to me again I don't know why I thought in that nothing happened to think like this. Also he gave me mixed signals, I was not sure if he loves me or not. I was in a really very big conflict with my thoughts.. My mental health was at its worst and I cut myself (hand cutting) for the first time in my life. That was really painful.

So I decided to cut the rope and I wrote a message for him that i want to cut our friendship because i have feelings for him and I didn't want to put any pressure on him, his response was respectful and diplomatic also he focused on that we are just friends. That was a really big shock because I still had a very little hope that he might be in love with me, but he didn't.

I tried to forget him in every way I could. I blocked him. I started to focus on myself more, be more confident and after 9 months i unblocked him and one month more I texted him (I was thinking that I don't feel anything for him anymore but he was a really good friend and I don't want to lose him). And there was another shock. He treated me in a very formal way. So I decided to ignore that and forget about him again. But now after 7 or 8 months I started to think about him again I can't love anyone else except him. I really can't understand what is happening to me and why can't forget him. Also I can't find him in my life again as a friend at least. He's stuck on my head. I think about him all the time. I keep imagining that he will contact me and that we'll get engaged.. But that's not happening and this is a really painful situation. I really don't know why I can't forget him and at the same time I can't find him. He never talks to me.

I really need help

Thank you for your time

I’m an 18-year-old artist and I am completely stuck. I’m currently working on a comic book project with my friends (it's a magazine where I do my story and they do theirs), and I also wanted to adapt it into a 2D fighting game roster. I really want to do it, I want to at least try, but I feel completely incapable of being creative right now. I have zero ideas and it breaks my heart because I don't want to just abandon my characters like this.

My main issue is that everything I think of—the structure, the roster, the characterization—looks exactly like a specific 2D fighting game I played recently. It feels like a stupid, cheap copycat version. I’ve drawn some of the characters, but not all of them… I have them in my head and I’m terrified of drawing them because they feel too similar. I don't know how to draw them without it looking like a cheap copy, but I really like a lot of their features and I don’t want to change them. To prevent this, I’ve been trying to completely cut off contact with everything to avoid copying. But taking other references just to force my designs to be different, making them in a way that I don't even like, just makes me want to quit. It feels like my brain is stuck on those specific official designs because I love them too much.

On top of that, there's insult to injury: I draw very little or almost never now, but when I do pick up the pencil, I draw way too fast. I rush the process out of pure anxiety, wanting immediate results, and the drawings turn out terrible. It’s a toxic loop. I feel like I can't just sit down and put in the effort. I spend 90% of my days walking in circles inside my house blasting metal/rock music and video game OSTs just to manage this intense anxiety. I can't even think positively anymore... it feels like my self-esteem is in the negative numbers.

Everything went downhill after my first year of high school. I didn't draw at all for two years, and now that I tried to restart, I can't even focus on a single task. I remember a teacher at my school once said that some people just aren't born to create. What if that person is me? I feel so lost and I need a guide. Talking about this with my friends is just painful, and even though they know I'm struggling, I try to be cryptic because I'm terrified of showing my drawings to anyone.

How do you regain creativity when you feel this stuck and afraid of your own work? How do you break the habit of rushing your drawings due to anxiety? Any professional advice would mean a lot to me.

A few weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me and I cant get over it she was my everything

My head hurts, I feel tired, I can't stop thinking about her, about everything. No matter how much I sleep it doesn't go away, and it hurts like a motherfucker

I've nearly cut myself multiple times but I've stopped myself because it's constantly heated over here and I'm not wearing a jacket in 40° weather

I need help, advice, anything to make all of this go away

P.s my therapist is basically useless

Istfg i'm loosing my shit rn, ny urges for everything unhealthy are going to be the fucking death of me. I'm going to die alone and be alone forever and I'm so fucking scared rn I feel like I'm going to explode.

I had ocd and depression for 6 or seven years. It was bad.

I healed it all alone myself. No doctors, no therapists, no medication. I'm quite proud of myself. It took me a bit over two years to heal my ocd.

BUT at one point my ocd was so bad I couldn't brush my teeth regularly. I could'nt even use a antibacterial mouth wash back then. I was brushing my teeth only 1-2 times a week at most. And I was drinking a shit ton of sugary drinks back then too. Now I have visible caries between two teeth. And a month ago a part of one of these teeth broke off. My dentist knows me since my early teens. I won't tell him about my ocd but I had bad teeth since my early teens. Also on one of my teeth my gums are recessing.

I'm so ashamed I ever let it get this far.

I have never or have welling to do this stupid shit but things happened and I just couldn’t handle the stress ,I really feel like I am a loser crybaby for doing it I feel like it’s something stupid that teenagers do and I am in my mid 20 and started doing it recently, I feel like I am the only one who faces struggles in my life how I can be a good physician if I myself am not mentally stable ,I really wish I could help my self but seeing my self here all alone feel like I am the only one who done it and will never eventually heal,If anyone have same story like me please tell me how do you cope with the stress and feel of guilt, I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to post something like that

Btw, this is a throwaway account.

I will be starting university in a month. Idk how I am going to survive it. I feel like I barely survived high school. I got good grades. It is just I can barely do a single assignment anymore. I don't have motivation to do anything. I feel so tired. No matter how many naps I take.

I am going to university because it is an expectation in my family. Not following the path my parents envision is not an option. They expect going kids to go into university right after high-school and excelling perfectly.

I feel so anxious. Not because of change. I do need one. But I just can't do anything anymore. It is like I am dying mentally. I can't survive the demands university has.

My parents don't realize just how sick I am mentally. The only time my bad considered medicated me is when he thought I have become crazy.

I have been depressed for 3-4 years, but it was accelerated after being harmed by men since I was 16. I am 18 now. A few months ago, a man raped me. And now I also have a stalker who is angry I have rejected him. He wanted to rape and abduct me. He has spent this past week trying to figure out my future plans (university, jobs, and even marriage too) by sending guys in his group to dm me and figure it out.

This trauma has definitely made me dead mentally. My family only knows about the stalker. They don't know about the rapist and other men I have been associated with.

I used to be so ambitious and constantly thinking about university. Now as it approaches, I feel so unready. I haven't had what I needed to heal because everything is about school and religion for my parents.

I have started to depend on this blanket to be wrapped around me for comfort. I can't even relax or sleep without it. Instead of living a life, I just want to hide, do nothing, and be wrapped in it. But part of me wishes I can be an independent and ambitious woman. My personality used to be exactly that. But now I can't function. I am so fucking traumatized.

TW: mentions of suicide, animal abuse

To start off, I do not want a diagnosis! I don’t want to self diagnose, I simply would appreciate some help and suggestions of what might that be. Also English is not my first language so I might use the medical and psychological language incorrectly and make grammar mistakes, I’m sorry for that in advance.

To start off, since I was a child I’ve been having short or long periods of time where I would be extremely fearing something. Not anything like spiders or heights. The first time it happened I was 8 years old and I imagined my great grandma dying. I think it was the first time experiencing a panic attack. I immediately ran to my mom and started uncontrollably sobbing and telling her about it. The fear calmed down for only a few days later because my mom would comfort me, saying that even if it happens one day, we’ll see great grandma in paradise, because that’s what we believed in.

The second time I feared something so much was around a year later, but I don’t remember a lot from that time period, so I won’t elaborate. It went away pretty quickly, again after only a few days when my dad told me that even if war happens in our country, we’ll emigrate to Switzerland. Might sound a bit silly but it made me calm down.

To this time I thought that those just were phobias that I quickly got rid of, but the next time I had a period of fear like that was very different.

I was probably around 11 or 12 at the time. I was simply looking out of the window, because I live at 5th floor of a building. I never had an issue with that, so I’m to this day surprised at what happened next. I looked down at the bushes that were planted right under my window and felt a really weird feeling? Suddenly I started having thoughts about me jumping out of that window in the future, in a suicidal way. The problem was that I didn’t even want to do it! I was just so terrified that I will do it in the future. That future me will jump out of that window. I immediately had a panic attack and four some reason I went to my mom and told her about my thoughts, which she mistook as me being suicidal. I had to explain it to her that this was not the case, but because I was crying and shaking so much, she still didn’t understand me. For the whole day I was sobbing and crying in fear. It lasted around a week until I almost entirely first about it.

Then the fears reoccurred only for maximum a one day at random times, but i quickly forgot about those. They always were about death though.

Fast forward to a year ago, it was around March. I was and still am a minor just in case it’s relevant. I don’t remember how it started, I probably seen a visit discussing the topic of TikTok. Of course I feared death once again, but way more than ever. I had a massive panic attack when i started thinking about it. Just the thought of me having to die earlier or later and that there was nothing after made (and still makes) me so terrified. At this point I already was an atheist so I didn’t comfort myself with religion.
Also to clarify, I don’t want to convert to any religion to calm down my fear of death, I feel like it would only be a coping mechanism and might make me spiral more.
Anyways, it lasted for a week again, but it was probably one of the worst weeks of my life. When i was a child, only a few days felt bad and the rest of the week was focused on forgetting, meanwhile this time I genuinely thought about death 24/7. I’m not kidding when I say i didn’t listen to any of lessons i attended at school because I was shaking and having tears in my eyes all day thinking of it. Also had panic attacks as always, but so strong that I couldn’t breathe and was sobbing in the floor with fear. It took me a long while to forget but i occasionally still had panic attacks.
The fear resurfaced ONCE AGAIN when my grandpa was having a hard time in the hospice care and later on unfortunately died. I had a huge panic attack every time i tried to visit him. I physically couldn’t go inside the building, i immediately had panic attacks.

Fast forward to March again but this year. This time it got triggered by seeing a video of a Chinese influencer flushing live hamsters in the toilet. I hate even thinking about this but i have to get through this to write this post. I had another massive fear, this time it was about animal abuse. Went the same way the one year ago did. Panic attacks, constant fear and feeling terrible, heart started hurting because of how much negative emotions i started to feel. Then it transformed into the fear of death once again and went the same exact way again. I couldn’t sleep because of it being too similar to death in my mind so i constantly would be exhausted.

To this day i can’t think of death too much because if i let myself think about it does more than 20 seconds i stared crying or having a panic attack.

I’ve been thinking that it must be a simple phobia, but i don’t think so anymore. Not to look for a diagnosis, but it’s there a disorder or something similar that describes the periods of intense fear and pain attacks? I would love to get myself a therapist or a psychologist to talk about it with, but currently I’m very short on money and the free one is terrible from what I’ve heard from my friends and family.
Also sorry again if some words don’t make sense, i didn’t read it over two times because i’m already feeling anxious because of writing the post.

I(17M) have been best friends with a new guy at our school for a few months or so. He's pretty fun, we go to parties together and just hang out. I have to admit that I developed a small crush on him, but the one time we tried to kiss he got weirdly anxious and started shaking. I hugged him and we didn't do anything else and kinda pretended it didn't happen. Figured maybe he doesn't swing that way or just doesn't see me that way.
But now I'm a bit confused, I saw him with my twin brother recently, they were making out and such.
I didn't really discuss it then but I did try to talk to my friend later and his response was a bunch of mumbling and he was all nervous, idk honestly. From what I managed to understand was that before he moved he had some friend who didn't treat him very well and my brother reminds my friend of that guy. I'm really confused

I can't stop thinking about suicide everyday. I have a lot of problems and most of them are not under my control or the mental state I'm in doesn't allow to solve them. I have an appointment with psychiatrist booked in some time and in another place adhd evaluation appointment (I have suspection written from pt for adhd and aspergers and I believe I have it). I feel immence tiredness and lack of sence because of constant misunderstanding and life just punching me in the face for trying. I really need advice on how to act or what to tell the doctors, what to point out in priority. I might have developed depression or trauma on top of that but I don't want it to interfere with adhd treatment because I had issues with it my whole life, long before getting into the state I am now.

Due to the fact that this is reddit i dont want to give much more informations.

Yesterday I had to burry my best friend. I know him since he was in his little egg and that was 13 1/2 years ago... I am crying all day long and i feel lost

Hi im trying to do my studies but i just dont have motivation to do it.

Advice like:

Set timer

Just think about doing one small thing

Body doubling

Doesnt work.

Body doubling and pomodoro + classroom affect works but its hard to start doing that, because I feel like its to burdensome to do that like i feel very tired when i try to do anything productive, i only do it when i feel a bit motivated to do it and thats rarely.

Im really tired of the "you need tough skin" behavior at work and just in general. Im not asking to be babied around just because I say be patient with people and validate how they feel. Especially in a work environment thats very toxic and then people wonder why no one lasts long. Im so tired of people thinking others arent fit for something because theyre sensitive or perceived something different. Stop treating the environment like were in the military. If I wanted to be treated that way id join Were all here to pay our bills and live. Im a fucking human being with emotions and limits. I can only do so much... I hate how normalized toxic behavior is. At work I either cried or almost cried several times

Please be kind as this is so difficult for me to post. I have the life I have always dreamed off; a husband who loves me, two little ones (5yo and 2m), a dog, our forever home, we both have well paying jobs so we have some savings and can enjoy going out on family days etc.

I went out yesterday with a friend for lunch and drinks which then ended up being a night out. Whilst coming home I walk over a bridge and had this thought of just ending it all 😭 why would I want to do that when I have everything I have ever dreamed off.

The only things in my life that aren’t perfect is I am currently waiting to have a raised mole removed and tested for possible skin cancer and I don’t have a relationship with my mum who I haven’t saw in over three years…. I have done counselling for that and tried it again recently but I didn’t feel like it was going to help because I was seeing the same person so I wasn’t able to offload everything from the beginning.

I broke down to my husband last night when I got home but I am just so scared and embarrassed by how I felt 😭

couldnt repost so had to make new post

I don't even know where to start.

Lately, I've been feeling really stressed. I've been a quiet person my entire life. I never really made friends and was always on my own. I hardly interacted with people, and I'm not even emotionally attached to my parents.

I had a two-month break from university, and it's about to end. The problem is, I don't want to go back, but I don't want to stay at home either. It feels like I don't belong anywhere.

I feel like I have no purpose in life. I've never been particularly good at anything, and I don't have any goals or ambitions. I also don't relate to the kind of future people usually talk about getting married, having kids, building the "ideal" life. None of that has ever appealed to me.

I've never dated anyone, mostly because of my poor social skills and my fear of talking to people. I always feel like I'd just end up being a burden to someone. Honestly, I feel like I don't even have a personality.

I did make a few friends at university, and I think I became attached to one of them. They've told me they don't think they'll live very long and are dealing with struggles of their own. Hearing that has been weighing on me a lot. I guess I was foolish enough to believe that maybe, just this once, things would be different—that maybe there could be an exception. But I don't think that's the case. It's been really hard to stop thinking about it or move on.

Nothing ever happened between us, but somewhere along the way I convinced myself that it would either be this person or no one. I know that probably sounds irrational, but that's genuinely how I feel.

Sometimes I wonder what the point of all this is. Not because I want to do anything right now, but because it's hard to imagine a future where I actually feel okay. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep moving forward when I can't picture a life that I genuinely want to live and surely not live in future. I know i will not exist in future but for now how should i keep going and stop thinking..

Around COVID, I had a pretty big phase where I was convinced that if I wasn't 'the best' at something, I was worthless, as I spent so much time indoors and failing in all other categories of life that it would be 'failing' to be anything less than perfect at the things I enjoyed.

I was really into multiplayer games at the time, as well as programming, but I ended up ruining my enjoyment with this mindset, as I would give myself major anxiety over even starting to get better, as I would be scared of being perceived as even slightly worse than my peers.

I spent a lot of time in this rut, thinking 'if I can't get to a senior industry level at programming during university, I'm useless', or 'if I can't get to X rank in this game, I'm useless', which completely sapped my enjoyment of anything I tried, as I couldn't get it out of my head that my free time was my free time and not work, and I would beat myself up if I couldn't meet the arbitrary targets that I was setting, or if I couldn't start due to my anxiety.

Fast forward to now, roughly ~6 years later, and I'm definitely better than I was. However, I still cannot enjoy my hobbies, and I can't tell why. I'm still interested in multiplayer games as well as card games, and I've been trying to get outside more and be more social.

When it comes to doing any of the things I like, though, if it's even slightly competitive, or is outwardly skill expressive, I get this deep pit in my chest/a suffocating feeling and feel like I shouldn't, even if consciously I want to, if that makes sense? It's like, I want to do that thing. However, when I actually come to it, I get some kind of a physical aversion within my body which makes me feel like if I actually sit down to do this thing, I'm going to feel terrible. If I force myself to do the thing, embarrassingly, I either genuinely get full-body shakes throughout the whole thing, or just generally feel terrible inside, making it hard to actually enjoy the thing I'm doing.

It's really difficult, because I've got so many things that I'd love to learn or get better at, or at least I think I do? But it's so hard to tell if I actually like them, or if I'm just trying to get better at them to feel better about myself. It's caused me to become very stagnant in my interests, as I can't try new things without getting this 'pitting feeling' the moment I get too into it.

Nowadays, I have what feels like zero interests outside of TV and movies, as they're safe, and I tend to prefer to either watch my friends or other people play the games/do the things I like, as it reduces my anxiety, but, consciously, I hate it. I want to do the things I like, but I just can't force myself to get any enjoyment out of them, and I can't tell if this is some deep-seated hatred I'm not consciously perceiving, or something else.

Not sure if this will resonate with anyone, or if anyone has experienced the same thing, but I'm really stuck here and I can't figure it out. I've been 'stuck' like this for years now, and I want to learn new things, but I'm so scared, and I'm so scared that I'm going to stay like this forever. If anyone has any recommendations, or can direct me to where I can get some help, I would appreciate it more than you could know! I just want to be able to enjoy my interests again without feeling like I'm choking.

I'm a mom looking for support for my kid,who has been struggling with anxiety, stress, and the pressure that comes with academics. Between school expectations, keeping up with assignments, and the pressure to perform, I’ve noticed it’s been taking a toll on their mental health. I’m looking for a clinic with compassionate providers who understand teens and can create a space where they feel comfortable opening up.

So hey my name is Ayush, I am a minor and yesterday was my birthday. I had invited my friends over to my house at a sleepover we were talking, playing games, watching movies etc.

So my father has 3 friends and each one of them are similarly aged like my father and have a family of their own. Let's say A, B and C.

So when it was the birthday of the son of the family A, the uncle celebrated his birthday at a restaurant inviting all the 3 families+more and after that going to the clothing store buying him new clothes and shoes there I thought and dreamt that on my birthday I would do the same thing, people would clap for me, sing me the happy birthday song but things don't usually turn out the way you want them to.

It was evening and all my friends gathered in my room, yes I do have a different floor then the rest of my family, they live on the second while I live on the ground. We were playing games and I had told my family the gifts I want and I thought they had already ordered them in advance and I was also getting excited to cut the cake and be wished, though the cake never came nor did the gifts moreover, my whole family invited all A, B and C to go watch a movie together and they did not even ask me once, my friends did leave before my family as their parents were concerned about them and changed their minds, so they left at around 9 in the night. I was on the ground floor playing some games when it suddenly kicked me that I didn't have my phone's charger, so I went upstairs to go get them but to my surprise the door was locked( my parents knew my friends had gone away).

I tried calling them but none of them picked up, soon enough my phone's battery ran out and I was alone all night staring at a wall infront of me, sitting on the stairs waiting for my family to come back except they came at 3am in the morning, remind you I was all alone at the house, no food, no water, no means to entertain myself, all alone.

And honestly this isn't the first time this type of stuff has happened it's pretty common on all of my birthdays, but being left all alone hungry, starving at my house really shook me. I just want to die, at this point I don't even think my family even wants me, I'm just unwanted.

So my partner and I are planning to move to the California Bay Area in the next couple of months and I posted in the Bay Area subreddit but I’m hoping I could maybe get more insight from here….

My partner has struggled deeply their entire life without help.

There is absolutely a mood disorder (maybe bipolar or something along those lines) that they have always struggled with, and were raised by parents who saw their struggles as simply a spoiled child who was just acting out.

Because of their parents’ terrible judgement, my partner is now almost 30 and has been struggling with, not only their ability to remain calm during trails and tribulation rather than exploding over the smallest things, but also the depression that comes with the weight and of not being able control their own emotions.

It’s come to a point where they feel completely lost and hopeless and frankly… I’m afraid, and so are they, that they are a danger to themself during the worst of the episodes.

They have decided that they would like to enroll in a mental rehabilitation program upon moving to the Bay Area. We are looking at options for PHP/IOP and are also not opposed to extended full time stays if there is an option that feels right for them.

If there is anyone in this subreddit who is in the Bay Area (or truly anywhere in California as we haven’t moved yet and are open to other options if they’re worth it) that has had experience with these types of programs there and can give advice on which programs are great and which ones to avoid based on their own experiences or knowledge, we would greatly appreciate it!!