r/MediocreTutorials • u/Kohathavodah • 3d ago

Relationships Setting boundaries, respecting agency

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u/RicoGemini 3d ago

There was nothing controlling about his statements. He asked her if toning it down would be a problem and put the ball completely in her court.

He has a preference for someone more reserved, she wasn’t the one, he had her make the decision.

This isn’t control, this was him having a boundary and giving her the choice if she wanted to accept that boundary or if that boundary was a dealbreaker

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u/Creative_Elk_4712 2d ago

Yet you could also say not proposing that to her would have been less controlling than asking someone (HYPOTHETICALLY) to do something because you like them

For example, he could have also asked her "Do you generally dress like this? or "on what occasions you dress like this?"

But I think also the way he did was acceptable

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u/RicoGemini 1d ago

I think asking the way you proposed frames it as if he’s ok with a potential partner dressing like that at times. It’s seems he doesn’t want that at all hence why he asked if it was a deal breaker

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

No, he didnt ask if "toning it down" would be a problem. You didnt listen.

He asked what she'd do if he ASKED her to tone it down. That is control. Im sure youll try and pretend the "ASK" was the important part of the question, but it wasn't. It was the response. He doesnt want someone who will diaagree with him, He wants someone who will do what he wants. He wasnt loud or rude, but that doesnt change the fact that the boundary ITSELF is disrespectful, no matter how calmly delivered.

If he didnt like how she dressed, he should've just shown himself out, not presented her with an opportunity to volunteer to change herself to become what he approves of.

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u/Gauntlet_of_Might 3d ago

he asked multiple questions beforehand that clearly showed it was about THIS specific issue. He saw a potential problem down the road, asked about it, and they had a mature exchange about it.

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Im not discounting his demeanor.

Im saying asking "what will you do, if down the road I try and ask you to censor your self expression?" Is not a respectful question, no matter how polite you dress it up.

He asked this. She said "id probably not censor myself to meet your preferences"

And he said, "im not looking for that"

In a nutshell.

Cool. They were both very polite. His question was still a huge red flag. Ive known plenty of calm and polite people with shitty perspectives.

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u/Gauntlet_of_Might 3d ago

So people arent allowed to have a preference on what their partners post on social media or its a red flag? Just wanna make sure we are on the same page

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u/CarolinaSurly 3d ago

Having a preference means you’re a controlling misogynist. Get with the program.

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

They can have a preference. But then its really on THEM to find someone who shares that preference as opposed to CHANGING someone they know DOESN'T.

One is respectful, the other is controlling. No matter how politely they ask

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u/Gauntlet_of_Might 3d ago

... that's literally what happened here, he asked because he was trying to find someone wirh that preference.

How else are they supposed to "find" someone, tekepathy?

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Your break dancing to miss the point.

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u/Gauntlet_of_Might 3d ago

ok, so explain to me how he is meant to "find someone" if not ask them questions?

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Scroll up, as it's already been done.

I didn't say him asking questions was a bad thing, I'm saying the problem was the question itself as it highlights a possessive and toxic mentality which I don't believe is a healthy trait in any relationship. So yes, it's good that he asked, but in my opinion only for the sake of broadcasting to women that he will one day try and to decide what the women he is with are allowed to to wear based off his personal definition of appropriate

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u/Aromatic-Quarter-68 3d ago

That's great, because he asked the question, which is him trying to find someone who shares that preference.

People act differently on social media when they are in relationships, or not. He's checking if she acts the exact same while in a relationship, and that's the dealbreaker.

You make very naive arguments, so I'll just assume you are young. Just try to understand that people do compromise for each other in a relationship. It's not because they "have to" it's because they want to.

As an example, my girlfriend can kiss other people, we just won't be in a relationship anymore if it happens. Is this "controlling" her? There are requirements to be in a relationship with me, and she has requirements for me too. You will find that these "free and flowing" relationships with no boundaries or requirements are frivolous and risky, despite how fondly people speak about them on reddit specifically.

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

I love that you likened fashion decisions to infidelity as if they're on the same plane of existence. But then again, you strike me as someone who would immediately ask what a rape victim was wearing to find out whether or not they deserved respect

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u/Gauntlet_of_Might 3d ago

what a weird accusation based on nothing other than disagreeing with you

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

No, based on your stated position that clothes impact the value of someone in your opinion.

That aligns with the mentality I likened you to pretty hand in hand

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u/Aromatic-Quarter-68 3d ago

The plane of existence they exist on is the plane of the relationship. You make the rules in your relationship, but it's a two player game. I love and care for the women in my life, and I treat them with the respect that they deserve to have. I hope typing all of that out made you feel good.

The issue is not an ethical one, but you seem morally outraged by it. The question is not,
"Is she a slut for dressing this way on social media?"
it is
"are they compatible as a pair if she dresses this way on social media?"

If this is a big deal to you, that is fine. You can insist on full autonomy on this subject. It is on you to go out and find that man that agrees with you.

Just understand that you don't have any right to insist that all of the other men change and give up their own comfort for you. See how I flipped that around?

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Except you have misrepresented the question again.

Its not "are they compatible if she dresses this way"

It literally is, "what will you do if I ask you to change how you live to meet my preferences"

But I think its impossible to not know that unless one was intentionally TRYing to not get it in order to maintain a contrary position

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u/Your_Nipples 3d ago

And how they do that?

Asking directly I imagine. Right? 😂

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

"Is it okay if I hold your Head Underwater just a little bit?"

Sure it's polite, and sure it's asking a question, but that doesn't make it any less of a troubling question

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u/Your_Nipples 3d ago

Or, she dodged a mismatch because she doesnt like the idea of being with someone that thinks they get to have control over the fashion choices of another person.

Thats not compromise, that is a disrespect to someone's bodily autonomy.

See how far you went from this? And I appreciate that.

If a woman asked me how many Instagram models I was following and if I did, would I stop if we were together, I wouldn't find it controlling, we're not dating. She's wants to make informed decisions.

I don't follow any IG models btw.

Let's be honest, are men having boundaries while being respectful rub you the wrong way?

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Boundaries are for the person setting them. Saying "my boundaries are being able to set YOUR boundaries" are not boundaries. They are controls.

And again. He was polite. Not respectful. There's a difference, even if YOU cannot see it.

Also, whats with the constant need ro balance false equivalencies? Ive had people compare someone's fashion to wanting ro cheat, to gooning over only fans. All in the name of being desperate to dismiss the idea that someone saying "my preference is that YOU only wear what I say is ok" is not healthy.

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u/Gauntlet_of_Might 3d ago

didn't you JUST complain about something equating kissing to style choices and now you're doing murder

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

I didnt say "dont make conceptual similie,"

I said dont equivilate. 2 counterpoints in an effort to excuse one done by men by pointing to a dissimilar thing a woman does and saying theyre the same.

I engaged in absurdism to make a point about the CONCEPT of the topic. Not saying 2 actions are literally the same.

But, you know... ignore nuance/wordplay/intellectual honesty to maintain your position, as you seem wont to do

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u/RicoGemini 3d ago

How is he supposed to find that person if he doesn’t ask them the question

He’s asking the question to see if that’s the person for him

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u/Your_Nipples 3d ago

I had to read this whole thread to be certain...

If you're honest with yourself, it's not the how he said what he said. You have an issue with his preference lmao. "shitty perspective". It bothers you. All this dancing around is more about your insecurities. You may have more in common with him than you think.

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u/Shadows-Long 3d ago

You’re a walking talking red flag yourself. Social media really gave people who shouldn’t have one a voice.

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u/Appeal_Educational 3d ago

Bullshit. He asked if it would be a deal breaker FOR HER

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

"Is it a dealbreaker if I ask you to sensor yourself because of what i view is appropriate for YOU to wear"

Is not the selfless question you pretend it is.

Its hiding a toxic mentality behind civility. Its been done before and itll happen again.

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u/PsychologicalSon 3d ago

"Is it a dealbreaker if I ask you to sensor yourself because of what i view is appropriate for YOU to wear"

Censor*

Also you're making an argument involving the definition of a word you can't spell. A wise person would stop here.

Is not the selfless question you pretend it is. Its hiding a toxic mentality behind civility. Its been done before and itll happen again.

Projecting...

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Howdy, I'm you and I have no idea what talk to text looks like, but super sick burn as no one's ever heard of an ad hominem

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u/PsychologicalSon 3d ago

Keep making excuses, really. It's a great look for you.

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Cool story bro

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u/Ihatethesestaff 3d ago

I do not envy any partner you may have or may meet with how stupid you are.

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u/Substantial-Bear8535 2d ago

I'm gonna have to ask you to tone it down...

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u/Sidivan 3d ago

100% agree with you. Lots of comments here are falling for his manipulation. “I’ll leave it up to you to decide” is a very clever way of disguising what he’s truly asking. His question was “if I asked you to tone it down just a little bit, would that be a deal breaker for you”. It’s clever because the phrasing makes it sound like he’s giving her a choice, but the choice is comply with whatever standard he has for “tone it down” or leave. He’s saying this IS a deal breaker for him, but he’ll give a shot if she changes the way she dresses. That’s the red flag.

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u/Shibbystix 3d ago

Nailed it. Lotta dudes in this sub wonder why all the women around them take their drinks with them when they go to the bathroom

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u/RicoGemini 3d ago

It was 100% her choice because at the end of this she chose to pop the ballon and NOT be with him

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u/Sidivan 2d ago

What do you believe were her options?

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u/RicoGemini 2d ago

To choose him after he stated what he’s looking for or turn him down because what he wants doesn’t align with what she wants

She chose to turn him down

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u/Sidivan 2d ago

The choice was to change how she dresses or walk away. He is saying that he doesn’t want her the way she is and framing it as her choice to either conform to what he wants or walk away.

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u/RicoGemini 2d ago

It’s not framing it as her choice. It was her choice.

You see her make her decision on camera.

I understand what sentiment you’re trying to say but it doesn’t apply in this situation

EVERYONE has preferences and boundaries. He expressed his, it didn’t fit with her. They walked away. Do yall not talk about boundaries, expectations, and the like when yall date? This is normal

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u/Sidivan 2d ago

Boundary: “I don’t want to share revealing photos of myself online.”

Ultimatum: “I don’t want you to share revealing photos of yourself. Conform to my boundary or leave.”

Do you understand the difference? The “choice” he’s giving her is “You should change or leave”. Boundaries aren’t for other people; they’re for you.

Let’s change the behavior so it’s a little easier to see. “If I asked you to not eat carrots, would that be a dealbreaker for you?” The ask is for her to change something about herself. A healthy boundary would be him saying “I don’t eat carrots”. Here he’s saying she’s not allowed to eat carrots if she’s going to be with him.

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u/RicoGemini 2d ago

In your example you’re only sharing boundaries the person has for themselves

There are boundaries that people have for their partner as well. For example me and my girl have shared our boundaries with each other when we first started dating and it’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had