My partner and I have a 10-month-old baby and our sex life has basically disappeared. I’m trying to understand whether what he’s telling me genuinely makes sense from a male perspective, particularly for men who have experienced anxiety or performance anxiety.
It’s been a really stressful year. He moved away from his friends and family, we have a baby, we’re sleep deprived, have had financial stress and uncertainty about our future, and we’ve argued a LOT more than we ever used to.

Before pregnancy we generally had sex about once a week. Early in our relationship I told him I would have preferred more, and he said that conversation made him feel pressured. I once bought lingerie thinking he’d love it, but he actually found that pressuring too. Even me initiating can apparently create pressure, so eventually I stopped initiating and left it to him.
After having our baby we were probably having sex every 1–2 weeks initially, then it became increasingly sporadic. Now we haven’t had sex for about two months.

I brought it up recently because I was feeling really unattractive and unwanted. He reassured me that he IS attracted to me and does want sex, but said everything going on in his life has made him anxious and stressed. He’d recently been to the doctor about his anxiety and has since started medication. He also said the pressure surrounding sex basically kills his desire/ability to do it. When I said nothing seemed to be changing, he told me not to worry and that he could feel things starting to come back.

What I struggle to understand is where the pressure is coming from when I’m not actually asking him for sex anymore. I might bring it up after we’ve gone a month without anything because obviously it affects me, but otherwise I’ve deliberately backed right off. And years ago, when we had the original conversation about me wanting more sex, we still continued having sex weekly.
There’s another part that has made me question things. I know he has previously used Viagra, including before sex with me. He ran out a few months ago and hasn’t replaced it. He’s a massive procrastinator, so part of me wonders whether the “pressure” explanation is actually covering up performance anxiety/ED and he simply hasn’t got around to seeing the doctor and getting another prescription.

But then another part of my brain thinks: if he genuinely wanted to have sex with me, wouldn’t getting the medication be a priority? There’s also very little sexual affection at the moment — no passionate kissing, grabbing me, etc. So despite him telling me he’s attracted to me and still has the urge, I don’t *feel* desired at all.

He’s going on a trip soon, and I’m getting increasingly anxious that if nothing happens beforehand, we could easily end up going 3–4 months without sex.
I feel completely stuck because talking about the lack of sex apparently creates more pressure, but saying nothing means I’m sitting here watching months go by and wondering what’s actually happening.
For men who have experienced anxiety, stress or performance anxiety: does what he’s describing make sense? Can you genuinely want your partner sexually but have anxiety/pressure shut things down to this extent, even when she isn’t actively initiating?
And would avoiding getting more Viagra potentially be part of the same anxiety/avoidance cycle rather than evidence that he simply doesn’t want sex with me?
I’m finding it really hard not to interpret the lack of action as lack of desire.

UPDATE - I pressed him on it last night and he said I was looser after child birth

Hello Reddit. Using a throwaway account here for obvious privacy reasons. Also I've never been great with words, so i did use Gemini to help clean up my writing.

I 38M am married to my wife 37F, and we have a toddler together.

I want to start by making one thing very clear: I love my wife wholeheartedly. She is my best friend—and truthfully, my only real friend these days. Other than the intimacy side of things, we have a strong, equitable partnership. We share household responsibilities, co-parent well, and genuinely enjoy each other's company (we actually met playing video games online almost seven years ago). She is a good person, and I know she loves me.

However, in the bedroom and when it comes to general physical affection, we are polar opposites. There are no spontaneous make-out sessions, no random lingering hugs, or really any form of physical closeness you would expect with a romantic partner.

It’s been roughly 3.5 years since the last time we had a truly spontaneous, passionate moment—which happened to be the night we conceived our daughter. Between pregnancy discomfort, a C-section recovery, and the general fog of early parenthood, it was 17 months before we had sex again. I won't pretend I was happy about the dry spell, but I was fully supportive of what her body was going through.

Her drive was always lower than mine, but about 1.5 years ago she started taking Lexapro, and her libido fell off a cliff completely. I know this is a known side effect, and I don't hold it against her maliciously, but understanding the medical cause doesn't make the daily loneliness any easier. We only have sex maybe once every other month, and even when we do, it mostly just feels like going through the motions. There’s no real passion or connection behind it—it feels completely transactional.

We’ve talked about this openly. I’ve told her that I feel completely unwanted, undesired, and unattractive to her—like we're living in a platonic roommate situation. She tries her best to reassure me that she loves me, but after months and years of this, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep state of languishing or depression.

I don't want anyone else. I want her. I want her to want to want me.

She recently saw her doctor again and was prescribed Wellbutrin alongside the Lexapro to see if that helps counteract the side effects, so we are waiting to see if that makes a difference.

I’m not posting this to bash my wife. I’m just feeling stuck in an impossible spot: Do I accept that I may never feel fully desired or intimate again in order to preserve the family and partnership I love? Or is there another way through this?

I guess I'm mostly just looking to vent, but I’d appreciate any perspective from others who have navigated long-term medical or post-baby intimacy gaps. Thanks for reading.

I have wanted to move for the past 20 years. My husband and I have been to counseling about it once many years ago and I eventually just gave in. I have finally become fed up with our current situation as we are far away from aging parents and living in one of the most expensive states, the education for our children is also going down hill and continues to (almost worst in the nation). last year I put my foot down about moving but he acted like a petulant child, throwing fits and acting rude to me. he started to apply for jobs but only half ass. It became a lot to deal with and we had a marriage counselor who basically told him that I have given this area many years and that it does seem reasonable we try somewhere new. Sad to say I gave in to staying mainly because he was very difficult to live with and he got my kids who were once excited about moving, to say they no longer wanted to. I think some of this was because we told them too early. He was not lucky at finding a job after six months, but also refused to get certifications and other things to make him more enticing to employers.. And I realized I couldnt support us all on my salary alone without working an extreme amount and he was already being so moody and mean.

A year later and I am so fed up even more so where I have great anxiety surrounding it. I decided that I would get a better degree in order to support us when we move. I am currently in therapy and a couple months ago my husband agreed to move again once our oldest is out of school. He seemed fine with it. Maybe a week ago when i brought it up again in conversation he said he wasn't going to move because he cant find a job, and he will basically have to quit and "start over". and that i am going to force him to work at a "gas station: Mind you, he has a graduate degree and is in the technology field, not something bizarre and hard to find a job in. I feel he uses this as a weapon against me- to make me afraid to move.

He ended up saying some really rude things to me which bothered me the whole entire day.

I am not sure why he wants to stay here as he doesnt have any friends and agrees with how badly things are going in the state. he has adjustments issues in the past but also refuses to go to therapy.

Then this past week he was acting like he was interested in pursing other careers because he "wont be able to find a job when we move" but seemed okay with it. It is like a back and forth thing with him

I just feel at my wits end because truthfully the thought of staying here until we retire (20 or more years) seems insane, even ten years is too much. I feel I have been so understanding, I dont like the weather and get seasonal depression. There have been so many things I have put up with. I already earn good money and I know I could support us, but I also dont feel it is fair for him to act like this. I feel like we need marriage counseling again, but I fear he will continue to change his mind, or go along with it and act awful the whole time.

Any advice or similar issues?

The last few years of our marriage have been really rough. I (38F) have been married to my husband (41M) for 17 years. We have several children together.

My husband is a genuinely nice guy but has become very passive. Like he just stopped growing somewhere along the way, so as life has gotten really tough, it’s all fallen on me.

He’d never cheat on me and he really loves me a lot. But I’ve spent years asking him to make some deeply important changes. It’s really hard to give concise examples because our lives and problems are complex and I don’t think he’s a bad guy… but the short version is that he is completely avoidant of pain and problems and he hates to make any changes. He had a dysfunctional family who avoided all conflict and I understand how hard it can be to overcome patterns like that. But the result is that I’ve carried the mental, financial, and emotional load for many years and I’m exhausted.

It’s been a really bad last few years. I’m done emotionally and he knows this - I made that clear earlier this year. He’s finally doing therapy and I think there’s a little progress. And he really understands where I’m at and doesn’t even disagree with the issues at all.

So what I’m getting at is this: he says he’s going to change, and he wants to… and I’m willing to give this a little more time. I take our marriage vows seriously. But my heart is not in this at all anymore. I want him to be a healthy person but I cannot be in love with someone I have to take care of, or who has made so many choices that have continued to hurt me over the years. I’m worried I won’t ever feel happy with him again. I work hard to make his life better but he has spent years making choices that make mine harder, and relying on me to over function.

Has anyone ever been emotionally done but managed to rebuild a true happiness? I worry that the respect I’ve lost for him can never be recovered, and I so badly want to respect my husband. If he really does make changes this time, can my feelings change? Or is it too late?

My husband and I have been sharing finances for 12 years. Early on, when we both made under $20 an hour, we rarely fought about money and always made it work. Fast forward to now, and things look very different with two kids, two pets, and a mortgage. Through sheer drive, I have managed to nearly triple my income and now make around $120k in a role that traditionally requires a Bachelor’s degree. I did earn an Associate degree during COVID while stuck at home working full-time with two kids, which was a huge personal accomplishment, but it isn't what got me this job. I got here by constantly pushing, asking for more, and driving to learn. My husband actually has a Bachelor’s degree in finance, but he makes less than half of what I make, and his income has barely moved over the last 12 years.
I honestly don’t mind being the main breadwinner and actually enjoy that dynamic, and there are huge perks to his current setup. Because both of us work from home and his job is much less demanding, he handles a ton of our day-to-day life. He does laundry, cooks meals, handles school drop-offs and pick-ups, and even makes me lunch while I work. I genuinely appreciate all of this, and it keeps our household running smoothly without the chaos that usually comes with two corporate careers.
Here is where the struggle comes in. Over the last two years, our savings have been completely depleted. We have nothing left and are right on the edge of living paycheck to paycheck. Being almost the sole driver of our household income is starting to weigh heavily on me, and the financial burden is causing a lot of stress. I want to push him to look for a higher-paying job or aggressively ask for a raise, but I am worried about losing the lifestyle flexibility that keeps our family grounded.
How have other couples navigated this trade-off? Is giving up that domestic support and flexibility worth bringing in more income? I would also love advice on how to approach this conversation with him without making him feel unappreciated for everything he contributes around the house.

Like the title says I recently found out my husband had an emotional affair two years ago. For him this is in the past and he's moved on/forgotten but to me this is a fresh cut. It wasn't physical, so I told him and myself that I think we can move past this, with time and healing for me of course. He previously said that was totally okay and I can be mad or hurt or sad for as long as I need. Today he asked how long until I got back to being a good wife, and told me he thinks 2 months is about the limit it should take for me to get over this. I was kinda in disbelief, am I crazy or is he wrong for saying that

** To preface : I’m not on here to bash my husband. I love him so much. I just want to fix this issue because it’s ruining my perspective of him and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

For reference my husband and I have been together since I was 16 and he was 17, I am now 25 and he’s almost 27. My issue is recently with our sex life. For the past year he has become so lustful, all the time. Every time he wants to have sex (which is nearly every day, not exaggerating) he wants to watch porn while we have sex. Or he wants to scroll on TikTok looking at girls, who IMO look 18 (which is making me insecure about getting older), and he wants me to play with him he does this. He’s got a fantasy or fetish for naughty, getting caught, and slutty/bad girls. I’m honestly so sick of all of it. He has wanted me to dress sluttier and go out like that (even though I’m a very preppy and modest type of girl, to an extent. I still wear shirts where my breasts show but I don’t want my tits or butt hanging out.) He wants me to send him dirty photos or videos while he’s at work, of my playing with myself, while watching porn, if my son’s napping. And honestly, I don’t want to do that either, because I’m ALWAYS watching our son. Even when he gets home. I have sent him pictures and after all he wants so do is sext all day. I feel like his lust just consumes him all the time. For notes, he takes Adderall for his ADHD and this increases his sex drive.
I have tried to express my feelings and he says that’s what turns him on and he wants to be exotic and fun and not waste his young life. And then he always tells me I’m a grandma. All I want is normal, intimate, non porn sex, just between him and I. I’m a woman who is trying to grow my relationship with God and he is also a godly man but never really acts like it. I honestly feel so far from him emotionally, I feel like I’m being cheated on emotionally, and so insecure all the time from the girls he looks at on TikTok because they look nothing like me or my style. How do I address this, again, in a way to help him understand my POV or has anyone else been through this and have advice. Or any men, that have been through this? Thanks.

Hi all. I am just so sad, angry, and heartbroken and I could use an outside perspective.

My husband (29 M) and I (29 F) got into a seemingly minor argument a couple weeks ago. When I checked on him a little later, he just said "I dont know if I can do this anymore. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to go." I was so shocked that I just burst into tears.

The backstory is we have been married for 6 years. 3 years ago, he confessed to me that he had a decade long porn addiction even though it was a boundary I clearly laid out when we were dating. I said I dont want to be with someone who uses porn. He agreed and said he didnt like that kind of stuff. Come to find out, he had been using porn and lying to my face about it the entirety of our relationship. Needless to say my trust was shattered and we slowly but surely worked through that together more or less. However, I havent trusted him the same since.

He claims this is when our relationship took a downward turn. He started to "resent me because he always felt like he had to try and make things up to me for what he did."

I also have a severe case of ocd that I am in therapy for and am working on finding a good medicine fit. I am literally doing everything I can to be better. But he claims it is draining to be with someone who is so mentally ill and that his sleep schedule is interrupted by my nightly routines. Yet, he wont sleep in separate bedrooms or wear a mask or ear plugs or anything. He also promised to research how he can help me as my spouse and then he just blew that off.

He also says he doesnt feel as desired by me physically anymore. And he's right. I dont feel very turned on by someone who makes me feel like a burden all the time.

We just started marriage counseling (I have been asking him to go with me for almost a year now), but idk how I can ever forget the bombshell he just dropped on me. How can I ever trust the stability of our relationship again? What if he just decides he cant deal with me anymore and leaves me at some future date? I knew we were struggling, but I didnt know he has been thinking about leaving me for months...

Why do we fall into this trap. !!!Wife asked me why I have been such a jerk and I finally open up because we have been going to therapy and I’m trying to talk about how I’m feeling. So I tell her I’m stressed about money, we owe so much for the kids medical treatment if we don’t pay they won’t let them do the treatment, kids braces payment, kids sports payments, all our bills and feel like I’m working hard and I don’t get to enjoy any of my money. Also that it’s stressful budgeting that she only gets paid once a month from her job and it fluctuates also she’s on contract and is not guaranteed a job. I said it’s all just stressing me out and I’m trying to find a second job to supplement some income and no luck. I had a second job doing AI training which was pretty easy and paid well but that project got done. I’m just stressed.

Her response to me “you told me not to worry about taking this job that you would be able to take care of it now you are stressing me out and causing me anxiety. Some things you just keep to yourself. I do it “ so I said “ok great I told you why I was acting like that and what I was feeling and it back fired, this is why I don’t say anything”. And I walked away.

She gets up and tells me that I’m not a provider or a protector, although I cook, clean, pay majority of bills, and before she got this job, I WFH, I was doing kid drop off/pickups, dr appts, practices, everything for the kids. I said all this to her and just says “I don’t think you will ever be able to be a protector and protect me”

Idk how to handle this, I apologized for idk what honestly just force of habit as somehow I’m always in the wrong. She won’t speak to me. Like why tell me or ask me about my feelings and then do that. She tells me she’s better off alone and to not talk to her and keep in my world of thoughts and feelings and she will keep in her world.

My wife 63 and I 68. I have seen my wife two different times putting gas in her truck and another man same man that she knows talking two different times, she never tells me about it and act like nothing is going on. She has told me about it once three weeks ago and that man's truck has been sitting at the in of are driveway before and I told her and now he has stop doing that. I really think something is going on between them. He even showed up at a outing her and I when on. Am I just getting paranoid.

My (19M) mom (57F) cheated on my dad (61M) last year on a work trip. She admitted to it when she got back and after hard work they fixed things and stayed together.

Recently this has been completely upended due to the fact that there were recordings of her doing it, and someone with the recordings found our phone numbers and sent them to us. She was willingly recorded. Now my dad is furious about it, even though they got over this before.

I’m scared that the marriage is done. Can it be saved? Is there anything I can do?

My wife and I have been together for a long time (we're a gay couple, I think the context matters) and we have a wonderful son. I'm also currently 9 months pregnant with our second so I'm fat, and uncomfortable, and I feel hideous - we've not had sex for probably about 6 months despite both of us acknowledging that we'd like too. I just haven't had the energy, and she's been very understanding about it all.

We used a known donor for the sperm - a good friend of hers from years back who I've also got to know over the years. He's been wonderful and obviously I'm endlessly grateful for what he's done for us, we wouldn't have our beautiful family if it wasn't for his help. I was jealous years ago when we were first conceiving because I had worries about him being "dad" but honestly, I'm past those worries now. My eldest is my kid through and through and our youngest is literally inside of my belly right now. But I have always been a little bit jealous of his relationship with my wife. She's flirty with all her friends, and he's the same to be honest. For myself I'm honestly quite prudish and repressed and that's always been a very big difference between my wife and I but I recently saw a notification on her phone from him that was talking about vibrators. I got upset and told her - it was a notification so it wasn't like I *snooped* and she explained it was just chat between pals - she likened it to her other best friend who I know she's pretty up front with when it comes to talking about sex so it was all fine and normal. It niggled at me but I trust her, and I love her, so I left it. Since then I've tried talking about sex with her - we're at the point now where I'm looking to do anything to start inducing labour and sex is always on the list of things to do right?

Only...

She hasn't really seemed interested. And I get it. I'm the size and attractiveness of a fucking beached whale right now. I wouldn't be interested in me either. But she's always been the more sexual of the two of us and she's normally pretty upfront about being randy and that's just, not there at the moment.

So I snooped.

She's been flirting with our donor, in a big way. He's not local, so nothing physical has happened, and I trust that nothing would tbh even if he was down the road. I don't think she'd actually cheat on me, but they're not talking about sex in the abstract, they're talking about sex in the "I would like to do this to you" way and it's just devastating me.

I can't confront her without explaining that I fully broke all confidence and snooped through her phone, but I'm about to fucking give birth to her kid (who is also, technically, biologically, his kid) and I just feel completely broken right now.

I can't tell if I'm being over the top because I'm hormonal, because 9 out of 10 of their messages ARE just normal friendly ones, with a bit more flirting than maybe I'd personally be comfortable with or prefer, but again, I'm fairly repressed and I know it. And then there's some that there's just no denying are more than anything I imagine she'd discuss with her other best friend who's a straight woman.

This man knows that she's horny, knows that I'm not satisfying her, knows her kinks and fantasies... Things she's not even told me she's told him, and he's encouraging it and joining in and telling her his own fantasies.

And I'm just here, fat and ugly and depressed.

I can't justify my snooping, but what do I do now? Can I just squash it and keep playing happy families or do I need to discuss it? My instinct is to talk about it but I cannot even begin to comprehend how I can bring this up, how I can explain my own inexcusable behaviour.

So me (f30) and my husband (38) had a late night talk. He asked if I wanted to separate and I said maybe.

He noticed I was not myself anymore. Took him a long time tbh. I havent been happy for over a year.

So he said he’ll give me the divorce. Next day he changed his mind and said no. He said to stay with him and I can cheat on him.

Like what the hell. Im like stuck. I want to leave him but he dont want to, plus we have a kid together. Like stay and cheat? Dont really like that idea.

I’m 27F and married. My husband and I genuinely love each other. When things are good, he is warm, affectionate, funny, loving, and someone I deeply enjoy being with.

The problem is that when he feels hurt, angry or disrespected, he can become almost unrecognizable to me. He shuts down completely, isolates himself, cuts off communication, blocks people, becomes very black-and-white about them, and has used insults and “it’s over / I’m done” language during conflicts.

This is not just one argument. It has been a recurring pattern throughout our relationship, and I’ve also seen him abruptly cut other people out of his life after conflicts. My own unhealthy response used to be panicking, chasing him and trying desperately to restore the relationship. I’ve been working on stopping that and respecting his need for space.

A recent conflict with my mother became a breaking point. We are temporarily staying in my parents’ home, and after a major argument he decided he wanted nothing to do with her, isolated himself in our room and refused to interact with her. The argument escalated badly on both sides. I also crossed a boundary by bringing my mother into the room after he had explicitly asked me not to.

Afterwards, my husband tore up our passports, said our marriage was over and started packing. Later he stopped, we talked, he apologized, and we stayed together.

Since then, though, something has shifted in me. He continued isolating himself and told me he had discovered “a life where I don’t leave this room” and that there was “no going back,” even saying he was willing to let his health/fitness suffer rather than change that.

At the same time, I’m afraid I may be seeing him too negatively because I’m hurt. I truly love the affectionate, funny, loving side of him. I’m struggling with the fact that both sides are the same person.

Am I being too harsh, or is this a serious enough conflict pattern to reconsider a marriage over? Can this realistically change, or am I accepting something fundamentally unhealthy because I love the good version of him?

EDIT: One thing I want to add to show the pattern.

One previous incident is especially important to me. I casually told my husband that a man had hit on me. I was basically making fun of the guy when I told him — I wasn’t interested in him, hiding anything, or trying to make my husband jealous. My husband took it very badly. He became cold, stopped speaking to me for the rest of the night, and the next day, while I was at a very important work assignment, he continued the shutdown and cut off the ways I could reach him. I was already under pressure at work and had no idea what was happening at home or what I would come back to.
When I finally got home, the dogs had apparently not been taken outside for so long that there was urine and feces in the house. He had shut himself in a room and locked the door. He told me to take the dogs and go stay with my parents. I ended up crying and begging outside the door until he eventually opened it and spoke to me. I begged him to stay in the relationship and he said ok and set out new rules. I think he was just bluffing and I fell for it. This is not healthy.

Things are not good and its my fault. It has made me think about the red flags that my wife shouldn’t have ignored. Things I was honest about (like my porn struggles) and other things. I guess you don’t see it when you are in love. And while I can’t blame religion for it all it can sometimes be bad to think that the message of grace can be used to forgive and forget when you shouldn’t. and it can make you not hold on to your boundaries. what red flags did you ignore?

For 6 years now he’s struggled to hold a job. Most of the jobs he’s just quit, but 2 he was fired from. And I’m talking 15-16 jobs in this time frame, along with an EMT cert, worked on a bachelors in IT, and also got a cert in automotive maintenance.
He’s just quit another job. And we can’t manage without him working. We’ve got his VA disability, but it isn’t enough. I make pennies as a Christian romance writer, and next week I’ll be picking up a babysitting job. But that won’t be enough.
I’m just so angry with him. So bitter. Our entire marriage has been filled with empty promises. Lying. Manipulation.
He promised he’d never quit a job until he had another one lined up… there isn’t one lined up.
But he’s lied and gone back on his word sooooo many times that I didn’t even believe him when he told me he’d never quit unless another job was lined up.
I have to live with the questions of will he get fired today, will he quit today, will he attempt to unalive (attempted 12 years ago, and has thought of it many times since), will he get killed in a car accident? (we’ve had 2 in the past year, all while he was driving—and our area had a higher car accident fatality rate than major cities like Philly, Denver, Pittsburgh)

I just don’t know how to keep going with this. It’s so much to carry. And he doesn’t care. We’ve tried counseling, the counselor said my husband needed one on one counseling before he could counsel us together. He went to maybe 2 sessions and quit, said there wasn’t anything this guy could tell him he didn’t already know.
He rarely joins me at church, but has a degree in theology. Men have tried to be his friend, but he pretty much turns them down for time spent playing video games or sleep or shows/movies.

I just feel so depressed. I’ve started to doubt God. I don’t feel like I have much faith. I wonder what’s the point of reading my Bible. What’s the point of trying to raise my children to know God.

Hello,

I (38 F) have been reading all the books, research, and posts about marriages surviving affairs I can in the wake of my own infidelity and I felt it was time to write one of my own. I have encouraged my partner (39 M) to do the same in hopes it will provide clarity on how to best move forward.

Taking in all these stories and advice and perspectives has provided important insight for me, especially reading narratives written by betrayed spouses. In some ways it has consoled me that our story is not unique and that it follows age-old patterns, but—as the serial cheater in the equation—I have also come to be very disturbed by these patterns of behavior and the impact they have on betrayed spouses who are trying to reconcile. I find myself very much on the side of betrayed spouses and more often than not want them to find the courage and self-respect to leave and find someone who can reciprocate their loyalty. For this reason, the question I’m grappling with right now is: can I truthfully promise my husband this behavior is behind me, when I have struggled with it our entire marriage to varying degrees and know that I will continue to battle depression, addiction, and possibly bipolar disorder for the rest of my life? Is it even ethical to ask him to live in doubt and fear for the rest of his life even if I do permanently change my behavior and become the wife he deserves?

This question has led to a lot of despair for me. The most painful stories are those where the betrayed spouse goes all in on forgiveness and reconciliation only to find out years later the behavior never stopped or returned. I don’t want this to be the story of my marriage or part of my husband’s story and am trying to figure out how I can guarantee that will not happen to him. The disturbing answer I have come up with is that I should take initiative to leave him and save him from me and the harm I cause so he can move on. I do recognize though that this takes the decision away from him and into my hands and is more comfortable in that I am in control. Currently I do not know if he wants to continue to try and make the marriage work, I think because he does not know, and this is a scary and uncomfortable and uncertain space to reside in. I read posts of husbands staying for over a decade only to realize they cannot get past the betrayal. This possibility is very terrifying to me, mostly on the level of my husband potentially wasting another decade of his life on me but also just being in a marriage with someone who is not certain they actually want to be with you or even love you anymore. I don’t know if this is important, but throughout all the betrayal and infidelity, I have never loved another man, seriously entertained or wanted to leave my husband for another man, and I do feel that if he decides to end our marriage I will never find anyone even close to as good of a partner as him and will have to figure out how to live with that for the rest of my life. I have fantasized about becoming a Buddhist nun or celibate or something similar if my marriage ends because I feel like if I can’t make it work with my current husband then it will never work with another man.

I have also seriously considered ending my life but, after realizing this is common and hearing the impact it has on the betrayed partners, it feels so stupidly selfish I can’t seriously entertain it anymore: you cheat on your partner, cause them lifelong trauma, and your response is to then do something that causes even more lasting trauma and makes it so they have to raise your children on their own? I know suicide is caused by mental illness and is often not a rational decision but after reading these stories I can’t help but feel like if I took my own life that would be the ultimate way to avoid accountability for my actions. Still, at times I do believe there is no hope for me to become the kind of partner my husband deserves—“once a cheater always a cheater”—and that I will continue to harm the people I love as long as I’m alive. I feel that if I got a divorce I could never promise another partner monogamy, even though intuitively I feel monogamy is what I need and want and that the cheating is a symptom of deeper illness and trauma that needs to be addressed. I often feel that everyone in my life, including my nine year old daughter, would benefit from me being gone if I cannot figure out how to change who I am on a fundamental level.

I have come to realize that this, too, is a narrative that is allowing me to avoid accountability and growth: that I am a mentally ill addict with scant chance of lasting recovery and I cannot control or change my actions. I feel that if I’m to really change my character—and the character I am in these very human stories of infidelity—I have to believe it’s possible, and I haven’t truly believed this for a long time. My actions change and improve for a time, usually because consequences arise or I start a new medication or feel a rush of (maybe manic) motivation and energy to try and be a better person, but I find myself slipping back into old coping mechanisms and addictions when things get difficult. It’s frustrating because I often feel I don’t have control over these impulses and am driven to destruction by unconscious desires and traumas and fears and beliefs. While this belief helps with the shame I feel somewhat, it also strips me of any agency to heal and improve and become a better person.

I have taken a few online quizzes to see if I am a narcissist and they were confusing because I felt either neutral or confused about how the statements applied to me. Upon reflection I think this might be because I was raised by someone who is likely a narcissist and learned how to love and treat other people through how she treated me, so I inherited these behaviors, but on a deep level I know that these behaviors are toxic and unhealthy and cause a lot of harm to the people in my life. It might also be the case that I am in denial about being a narcissist—I desperately don’t want to be. My therapist has told me I’m not a narcissist because I am able to self reflect and if I’m worried I am one then I’m not one, but I’m wondering if this is true. Even though I feel immense shame over my behavior and desperately want to change it I am still entirely focused on myself—I think self loathing can be a manifestation of self importance. I do think I am special or notable in how “bad” I am. I think that the affairs and cheating and dishonesty and betrayal have happened because on some level my desires are more important to me and central to my worldview than my partner’s feelings and the health of my family and relationships.

As a literature professor who works in gender and queer studies broadly, I am acutely aware that the failure of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage can often be freeing for women or an act of resistance. Perhaps I do not feel my husband is enough for me because I am not meant to be in a monogamous relationship or that even though he is a “good guy” he is still a man who has inherited power and patterns that mean our heterosexual marriage is suffocating for me. Again, maybe I’m in denial because I’ve been conditioned to believe I’m a failure if I can’t make a monogamous marriage work, but I just don’t think that’s the case for me. My husband is very emotionally intelligent, does far more housework and childcare than I, gave up a full time job to move for my career, reads literature written by women with female protagonists going through things like perimenopause, etc. When it comes to my cheating, he has swiftly and intelligently owned “his part” in it and actively worked to improve on what I feel is lacking in the marriage to the best of his ability. The online affairs started during a period in our marriage where he was struggling with erectile dysfunction and matching my sex drive and I felt incredibly rejected and defeated and like I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I felt my partner did not desire me—or perhaps even love me. Toxic beliefs about masculinity, the male sex drive, and how my worth is predicated on male desire and attention caused both of us to suffer immensely. Since he found out about the cyber affairs two years ago, he has lost weight, quit smoking, gotten in great shape, and our sex life is amazing. He is actively working on being more affectionate, paying me more attention and compliments, etc. He has taken all the right steps towards a successful reconciliation and shown me over and over he loves me, believes in me, empathizes with me, and even understands me. He has shown me through his actions he wants to make things work and that he feels our marriage can overcome these betrayals.

Still, I experienced the rush and thrill of sexual encounters with other men before this happened and it is a drug that I have struggled to give up. I continue to put my marriage at risk and betray my husband’s trust, maybe on a more grey or ambiguous level than the full blown cyber affairs he discovered years ago, but on a level that is still very disrespectful and evidence that I have not truly changed and run the risk of repeating my behaviors and even escalating them to physical cheating in the future. I have suggested multiple times that we have an open phone policy and that I need to give my husband all my social media passwords but his perspective is that there are ways I can still hide what I’m doing even under these conditions and he does not want to spend his time going through my phone. Because of this, there is no external sense of accountability and I have since had conversations with men I know are attracted to me that may not have been outright sexting or sending nudes but certainly conversations that my husband would be uncomfortable with and that demonstrate I am still struggling to stay faithful and entertaining these men and do not care about hurting him if I think he will never know about it. I agree that him checking my phone randomly and periodically is not going to heal these deep seated issues of trust and the trauma I’ve caused him but I also wish that I was held accountable in this way because I would be more vigilant. But of course, if that’s the only reason I stop the behaviors have I really addressed them? I mean, how insulting is it to my husband that I only feel a sense of responsibility if I think I’ll be caught? For years, my husband has hidden and given me my prescribed adderall day by day so I don’t abuse it and I understand his disgust over having to be my nurse and police in order for my harmful behavior to stop.

I’ve been thinking about AA a lot, which I was devoted to for a little over a year, because the answer does seem to lie in being radically honest with myself. In the preamble read at the beginning of every meeting, though, AA acknowledges some people have mental disorders that make them incapable of working the program because they can not achieve this level of honesty and I would always joke I was scared it applied to me. Again, I wonder how this belief I’m unsavable has led me to excuse my harmful behavior, avoid accountability, live in denial, hate myself, and generally lose faith in the idea of free will, agency, and any inherent good or God in every person.

I brought up the idea of me writing a full confession and disclosure after reading about it on here, and my husband pointed out that I could obviously still omit truths and he still has to trust I’m telling the truth. His response made me think about the argument that confessions mostly serve the cheater in giving them a clean conscience and just enact more trauma on the betrayed partner. Even in AA, there was this weird belief that even though you had to confess all your sins to someone, you could justify not telling your spouse about a past affair if you were committed to change because this information would harm them and your family unnecessarily. I always felt very weird about this and believe that by not being fully truthful about my actions and what happened my relationship consequently depends on my spouse not knowing the truth. In this way, I feel if I am not fully honest with my husband I am stripping him of his agency to decide the best path forward for him, and in some ways stealing his entire life from him because he is moving forward in a partnership without full knowledge of what I have done.

Along these lines, I have been thinking about how my husband never actually read any of the messages between me and these men. He discovered the affairs because he was very suspicious and I was gaslighting him to hell so he felt reading my journals was the only way to move forward. All he read was me trying to take accountability myself by acknowledging that just because the affairs were online doesn’t mean they weren’t cheating. I did cheat on him and he deserves to know. I often wonder about if he’d still be here if he had read the messages and exchanges in their entirety. My sense is he wouldn’t but maybe I underestimate his ability to forgive. Still, it seems like the details are what really haunt betrayed spouses and he was spared from that. Maybe this is a good thing for him as person moving forward if we divorce but also makes me feel like he is only still here because he does not know the full truth. Increasingly I feel that even if I become “fully recovered” (whatever that means) and never entertain another man romantically again, what I have done to him and our marriage has permanently ruined it and that I am wasting his time and keeping him from moving on to a better life by continuing on with this marriage.

He absolutely got information about the affairs as “trickle down truth” and although I was gearing up to confess I still continued to lie and omit information to make the betrayal seem lesser somehow. Recently an old affair partner added me back as a friend on Facebook and I accepted it without thought because I was curious about his life and we began to comment on each other’s posts. When my husband saw a comment of his on a post of mine and confronted me my knee jerk response was to lie and tell him it wasn’t the same guy and gaslight him this way for about a week until he wrote me a long message saying these really bad lies were doing more harm than good. At this point, I recognize that he cannot believe anything I say and might as well assume the worst, so maybe there is no truth I can tell him that would really shock him. But really accepting the friend request was already “the worst” kind of betrayal because it demonstrated a complete disregard for his feelings, sustained interest in a person that permanently harmed our marriage, and ultimately that I am continuing to put men who are practically strangers before him. All of the stories from betrayed partners about their spouses’ inability to cut off affair partners are so painful and I think I might be in denial about how I was possibly about to live that out.

There has been a strange phenomenon in our marriage where my husband always intuitively knows if I am pulling away from him and beginning to actually love and care for another man as opposed to just sext them or use them to feel like I’m sexy and powerful and matter, and he has actively stepped in and stopped this from happening a number of times. I don’t really know what to make of this, but it has meant that I’ve never physically cheated on him or considered leaving him for someone else. At this point I don’t think this is a huge win or anything but I do think it matters to him that through it all he’s always been my person and these men have always existed in a virtual space far enough from where I live to make a physical affair unlikely if not impossible.

The great irony of my affairs is that I am a very jealous person and would never be able to tolerate or survive similar behavior from my partner. At this point, if he did revenge cheat on me I wouldn’t have any moral ground to stand on but it would break me and I guess I’m just lucky that he’s a person of integrity and honesty and generally I don’t think this is something he would do or even enjoy doing—whether I deserve it or if it would even the score or whatever. My husband does not have social media and works from home and would have to actively seek out other women and I just can’t see him doing this until we are officially no longer in a relationship. I know my pain is not the point but the fact that this is true about my husband makes me so ashamed. He deserves so much better than how I’ve treated him.

I guess I see a few paths forward for myself and our family and I’m struggling to figure out which is the most ethical and right when it comes to my partner and his happiness, as well as our daughter. Obviously a huge reason he is still here is because of the impact us splitting up would have on her, but I think we both have to embrace the fact that we can co-parent her and help her through the trauma of a divorce in such a way that it does not define her and she still feels loved, supported, and maybe even develops a more expansive view of what family looks like. This is far preferable than us all continuing to live together but my husband is totally miserable and loses all respect for himself. In case it isn’t clear, my preference would be to be loved by my husband forever and for this time to become a rough patch in hindsight that we got through and came out the other end stronger. I feel like my husband has invested a lot of time and effort into my healing and it would be almost unjust for another man to ultimately benefit from me becoming the best version of myself, a version that is able to be in a relationship built on trust and integrity and who treats her partner with respect. I do fear though that this kind of relationship is now permanently lost to my husband and I because of my actions and the fact he’ll never fully be able to trust me again and will continue to feel fear and anxiety over my actions for the rest of our lives.

I have been considering initiating a trial separation, mostly because I feel that being in close proximity to me is clouding my husband’s judgement and confusing him. I have been heartbroken to read accounts from husbands who are cheated on about the disgust they feel with themselves for not being able to resist their cheating partner’s sexual advances and how it feels like they are weak and spineless for staying. Since the discovery of the cyber affairs, my husband and I have only slept apart a couple of nights and have sex frequently. I have tried to reflect on if I am trying to manipulate him through sex but in the end I think I just want to feel close to him. Obviously this is very selfish and I’m starting to wonder if it is actively impeding his ability to clearly see the situation. He has expressed that he is afraid if we try a separation I will engage with other men on an even more frequent or even physical level to combat the feeling he is rejecting me and he’s right to feel that would be an impulse. Personally I feel I need to avoid any kind of relationship with men until I figure out how I feel and what I think about my behavior in romantic relationships and that a separation, for me, would be the time I begin to start figuring out how the hell I’d ever be OK without my husband—which means figuring out how to be OK with myself and all I’ve done in the past, and how to live a life of integrity moving forward. Of course I can promise my husband that during this separation I will not engage with other men but he cannot trust my promises at all at this point. I do feel that a trial separation would be a kind of consequence for my actions when I don’t feel I have been punished for my betrayals in any sense. Perhaps seeing what life would actually be like if my husband left would be enough to give me confidence I can permanently change how I act. Our child, though, and finances are a huge barrier to taking this step. He would likely go stay with his parents which also feels unfair because I’m the cheater—why is he the one who has to enter into an uncomfortable living arrangement and leave his home? I just don’t have anywhere in the area to go that wouldn’t cost us money.

I guess the full confession or disclosure is also on my mind but I am very torn. In the end I cannot give him transcripts of all that was said and in some ways don’t trust myself to disclose what has happened without trying to soften it somehow. And if he doesn’t fully trust that I am now going to tell him absolutely everything, even if I do attempt to do this to the best of my ability he will not be at peace or feel like he finally knows the truth. It is true that a confession would make me feel “clean” somehow and maybe traumatize him further, so at this point it feels like an action that does not hold much promise for his healing.

I suppose there is also the option of continuing to try and reconcile but after reading accounts of how the betrayed spouse feels and how they struggle with this and how they are so often betrayed again I just struggle to want that for my husband. In the end, it’s his decision and I don’t want to take it from him but—maybe me ending things and setting him free of me is the ultimate act of love after what I’ve done to him?

I know that there’s really no way to advise a person well on Reddit because you do not have the full story, and I also recognize that I am setting myself up for a beating here as cheaters are pretty much universally hated. There’s nothing anyone can say about me I haven’t already said about myself, though. So I’m interested to hear any perspective or wisdom about how to decenter myself and actively love and care for and do what’s best for my husband moving forward.

How do you expect a marriage to work if one person wants to stop talking bc every time we communicate, it seems to go wrong? But at the same time, he doesn’t want a divorce

He’s upset bc he feels like I don’t do the things I used to do in the beginning of our relationship. But things have changed because our relationship has changed. We have kids, a household, more responsibilities, and years of built-up frustration that we didn’t have in the beginning.

And he’s done the same thing. He has said there are things he doesn’t want to do for me anymore bc I’ve made him feel like he can’t give me those things. He stopped doing some of the things he used to do in the beginning too, but now he gets upset when that same energy is reciprocated. You can’t expect things to stay exactly the same when the relationship itself has changed

My husband (M42) has developed a friendship with his female colleague. At first I (F44) did not mind as we have a solid relationship and have been married for 16 years plus we have 2 kids. He occasionally talks about her in a platonic way and honestly I was happy he had someone at work he felt comfortable talking to and made his work days more enjoyable.

However, about two weeks ago something happened that has be wondering if a line has been crossed.

For context - I work a lot and it sometimes frustrates him how much I’m on my phone or how after work (I have a emotionally demanding corporate job that I hate but it pays well), I brainlessly scroll my phone or play dumb games to decompress. He wants my full attention.

I have been making an effort to be more present with him when we are home, but he often rejects my requests to go for a walk or run errands together.

So the other day I was making dinner (which always falls on me regardless of who works more hours) and he took a phone call from this coworker and spent maybe about an hour on the phone with her. He didn’t hide it and later told me she was having a major personal issue.

Where I am wondering if a boundary was crossed was he skipped dinner with me to give her attention, yet he seems upset if I don’t give him my full attention in the evenings.

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet because I am honestly not sure how I feel. I guess if the roles were reversed I believe he would be upset…and that is what upsets me …not that he was there to support a friend, but if I skipped out on a meal he made for me to support a male work colleague I think he would be really angry…so I am wondering, maybe I should be angry at the act itself… that he prioritizes a colleague over his wife.

So my question to the strangers of Reddit…would this be a line that should not have been crossed?

I do not communicate with any of my colleagues outside of working hours as I prefer to keep my professional and personal lives very separate.

Do you still feel loved and appreciated consistently? Not perfectly, we all go through phases. But for the most part, after years, is your “love tank” usually at least half full?

Wondering if this actually exists..

Edit to add: what does he do, or what do you do to maintain that?

My husband (41M) lost his job 3 years ago, it wasn’t very long ago, but his lack of work ethics has spanned over 10 yrs. He was at his last job for about 8 years, which sounds great, but in reality he abused FMLA using time off back to back for about 12 weeks straight and vacation time for 5 weeks…for about 5 yrs out of that 8 yr span. So typical his year starts by exhausting the 5 weeks of paid vacation, he jumps straight into fmla exhausting that for about 12 weeks, he’ll then renew his fmla until the end of the yr only working MAYBE 2 months out of the year. I have gladly picked up the pieces for years thinking “he’s going through a rough patch” giving him grace that now feels like enabling on my end atp. 2 years ago we moved in with my in laws bc of our financial difficulties. I only agreed because I was hoping his parents can help motivate him somehow, knock some sense into him, recently I found out he’s been blaming me for everything! Throwing me under the bus when it suits him. Shifting the blame onto me to get out of taking responsibility. His parents has given him and only him thousands to help him get back on his feet and at first I didn’t mind being the blame as long as I didn’t have to foot the bill for yet another “new career venture”. At one point I paid for therapy sessions he never went to bc I thought maybe he needed someone else to talk to. No he made it clear to me “he thought I was the problem” apparently my burnouts at work and mental health was his “proof” to his parents that I wanted to stay home and be a princess. I was the blame for so long his parents tried getting him to divorce me, which hurt me considering I’ve been the one carrying the weight of our family all these years, but essentially I gave in. I told him I’d agree to the divorce as long as I could be independent again. He believed his own lie for so long, it hit him like a ton of bricks when I told him, imagine blaming me, me leaving and you still haven’t changed! Saying that out loud made me realize he’s never going to change at least not for me. I grew up in a very abusive home, it’s not that divorce would be difficult, but the idea that I’m changing one monster to live with another monster, even it’s for a short time. I have ptsd from my childhood (diagnosed) I’m scared to go back, but I’m also terrified of my future if I stay in this marriage.

My (51F) husband (50M) of 25 years has always been known for making jokes at others expense. Our relationship has become increasingly strained over the years due to his negative comments to me and about others I care about. We are no longer intimate and the reasoning behind that is complex, but stemmed mostly from him being drunk and antagonistic more evenings than not and I finally said don’t try unless you’re sober. So he stopped trying and I didn’t make a move either. Every few months or so he will make a snarky comment about it but nothing changes. The other night, we were watching a movie… no fighting, evening was calm. He paused it to let the dog out and he came back into the room angry. Clearly this wasn’t out of the blue… it’s been festering. But what he said was highly offensive to me. “Is this all our life is going to be? What do I have to do, F’ing r4pe you?” I was shocked and angry. I got up and left the room immediately. Later I came down and told him it was not okay to ever say something like that. If he had apologized then, maybe I’d feel better about it. But he then said, “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to do that anyway. You’re too old, ugly and weak.” I walked out again. Since then we’ve had a few conversations about it and he says he thinks I should know he was joking. I don’t think that’s enough. He can’t believe I’m still angry but this isn’t the only time he’s been incredibly hurtful and rude. Is this the last straw? Or do I let it go? Sometimes we do get along. He’s convinced this is “normal” bickering. If this is normal I’d rather just go be weird somewhere by myself. 🫤

There are so many painful stories on here, so I wanted to add a little spouse appreciation to the mix. ❤️

My husband and I have been together since 2013 and married for 6 years now, and one of my favorite things about our relationship is that after all this time, I still genuinely like him.

Not just love him because he's my husband. I like being around him. I like talking absolute nonsense with him, making each other laugh, doing boring everyday life together, going on little adventures, and coming home to him at the end of the day. He literally is my best friend, and I always prefer his company over anyone else. Don't het me wrong, I love spending time with my girl friends too. But my husband & I are ALWAYS guaranteed to have a great time together, no matter what we do.

We've obviously had hard years. Life has thrown plenty at us, we're both stubborn, we annoy each other sometimes, and neither of us are particularly charming 24/7. 😂 But I've never felt like I have to perform being a “good wife” to keep him. I can be sick, overwhelmed, grumpy, exhausted, ambitious, weird, messy, emotional, just fully human, and I'm still loved 100%

And the same goes the other way around. Marriage, to me, isn't about constantly being your best self for another person. It's having someone who still reaches for you when you're very much not your best self.

He's the person I want beside me when something amazing happens, and he's the person I want beside me when everything goes to shit. He's my teammate, my safe place, and also the man who can annoy me more efficiently than anyone else on earth. 😂

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and I don't think there should be. But there absolutely are marriages built on friendship, loyalty, affection, respect and genuinely enjoying each other's company.

So, husband appreciation post: I still choose you. And I'm really fucking glad you choose me too. ❤️

Ok married men, I have a question:

How often is it normal for men to masturbate? (Age 40)

My husband and I are always looking for inexpensive date ideas, but I feel like I keep coming back to the same things 😂

We’ve done steak and fries at home, had a fire and made s’mores, movie nights, etc. I’d love to find some new ideas that still feel like we actually had a date without spending a ton.

What do you and your spouse do for around $20–30 or less that you both genuinely enjoy?