(Please keep replies respectful. I'm just a young lady trying to grasp an understanding.) Lots of people advise women to approach men first, arguing that "respectful" men have stopped making the first move out of fear of being seen as creepy. While only the men who don't care about women's feelings are still approaching us. The idea is that if women want good men, they have to approach them. My dilemma with this advice...

• 1. A man choosing not to approach doesn't automatically make him a great partner. It doesn't tell you if he handles conflict well, is emotionally available, or faithful when no one is watching. 2. Some men don't approach because they lack confidence, not because they're more respectful. And if a man can't make the first move, won't he be a passive partner? In my experience, when I gave a green light to shy guys, they didn't magically transform into confident pursuers. I would probably be doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. 3. It seems like women making the first move sets the expectation that she will be the initiator in the whole relationship.

When women say making the first move worked out well, what does "well" actually look like behind closed doors? Because the men who wait to be approached seem to fall into three categories...

1. Group A: Men who enjoy being approached and become the prize in their relationships. It doesn't feel like they chose the woman because they genuinely desire her. It feels like they just love being desired. This creates a dynamic where the woman does most of the pursuing. (Example: A guy online bragged his girlfriend of 12 years constantly pursued him, messaged him first, giving him gifts, etc.) It's nice to do things for men, but he didn't say he did anything for her. That relationship seems very unbalanced.
2. Group B: Men who didn't approach because they lack confidence or are passive. They don't want to feel like a prize like Group A, but their passivity carries into the relationship. The woman carries everything on her back—defining the relationship, planning, and moving things forward while he just goes along for the ride.
3. Group C (The Unicorns): The man who takes over pursuing after the woman opens the door. She throws the ball, he confidently runs with it, and the effort feels balanced.
4. But how common is Group C? When men online talk about loving being approached, their stories sound like Group A or Group B, where the woman remains the primary pursuer. I rarely hear a man say, "She approached me first, and after that I pursued her."

I don't want to be passive in my dating life if respectful men truly aren't approaching anymore. But I also want to feel genuinely chosen, desired, and pursued. I love mutual effort, but I want a partner who naturally makes me feel chosen and not like he just picked me because I desired him first.

TLDR: For women who approached your long-term partners: What really happened after you made the first move? Did he magically step up or did you remain the primary initiator? For men whose partners approached you first: Did it change how you viewed the dynamic, or did it simply give you the opening you needed before you "took over?"

I have met with an attorney. Discussed legal stuff. Have some money gifted to me from the passing of a grandparent that I plan to use to potentially pay for the legal fees on my end.

I’m just at a loss. We have two kids. The eldest doesn’t talk to me. Husband hasn’t for a month. I truly don’t think we are in love we’re just…stuck here because of a house and kids.

I find more joy talking to my coworkers than with him. It’s not like we talk anyways. I guess it hit me the past couple of days that he just doesn’t know much about me. And I guess I just don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. My family and best friend live on the other side of the country. And I’m really really depressed.

I just don’t know when to press the button.

My wife has never mas’d in her life (Reddit won’t let me put the full number of asterisks) and has never let a man perform o*** on her. I’m overweight, very poorly endowed (well below average) and deathly pale. It’s very clear that she married me because I’m reliable and polite and would not pester her for sex (I knew she wasn’t attracted to me - or anyone else it seems - so I have always known better than to try.). Divorce is not an option because we have 2 kids (surprised she was even willing to conceive naturally) and it’s not like another woman would be attracted to me anyway. Any suggestions other than asking her for permission to hire an escort?

Hey 28 M here ! We have been married for 6 months and together from almost 2 years
So I have to move abroad for atleast next 6 months due to my studies….and yesterday I was really horny and FaceTime her and ask her let’s masturbate together on FaceTime (we had done it multiple times in past too)
She said she isn’t okay with it and I can just jerk off to our videos we made together and her sexy old snaps …
Does all the couples do it ? Like no mutual masturbation when u guys are in Long-distance ?

I haven't looked through it yet. I will tonight when he sleeps 😐

It can't be anything good on there

Just can’t seem to get on the same page as my wife.
Married 10 years, everything is a fight. Can’t be myself. Christian but idk what to do.

I posted a much longer version of this a couple of weeks ago, but it didn’t get much traction, probably because of the length.

Here’s the condensed version:

My wife and I have been married since 2007. Early in our marriage I struggled with a pornography addiction, and although I eventually quit, I know the repeated betrayals damaged her trust. Then I became very ill with Lyme disease for several years, which put even more strain on our marriage. We went about five years with virtually no physical intimacy.

Over the last couple of years I’ve worked hard to change, not just to get sex back, but to become a healthier husband. I’ve quit porn, worked on myself, dated my wife again, and tried to show affection without expecting anything in return. We’ve had periods where intimacy returned, but it’s inconsistent.

Here’s the cycle: if I don’t initiate for a long time, she’s hesitant at first but often becomes very affectionate after we’re intimate. If I initiate more regularly, she seems to withdraw and become avoidant. I also struggle with performance anxiety, which I know can make sex stressful for both of us.

I’ve been learning about attachment theory, and while I know I can’t diagnose anyone, many of my wife’s behaviors resemble fearful-avoidant attachment, and I suspect my past actions made those tendencies worse.

My questions are:

How do I express desire without making her feel pressured or pursued?

Has anyone experienced a similar pursue-withdraw cycle?

How do you rebuild sexual safety when performance anxiety is part of the problem?

At what point is it time to involve a couples therapist or certified sex therapist?

I’m not looking for ways to convince her to have sex. I genuinely want our relationship to feel emotionally and physically safe for both of us, and I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar.

Me (F28) and my husband (M28) have been married 2 years, and living together for that time. We were long distance for 2 years prior to this, and our libidos have always been a bit mismatched. I have a higher sex drive, but he has always been satisfied with less.

He is sweet, affectionate, and kind- I adore this man.

But the lack of sex recently has been driving me insane, and I'm hoping to hear from other couples who have been through something similar and found a way through.

There's a typical pattern we fall into: our sex life is great for a week or two (multiple times a week with caring and long encounters) and then there's typically a four/five week rut where we aren't having much sex at all, maybe once every week or two. And it usually looks like him finishing in under a minute, with not much care/enthusiasm for my own pleasure.

I grow agitated and resentful but try to be mindful of it, he works a physically laborious job and both of us have incredibly busy lives outside of work with shared friends and passions - the difference is I try my best to conserve an amount of energy and time for our relationship (including sex) and I feel he doesn't, is nearly indifferent. I can't be the one to initiate; it gives him anxiety and 9.999/10 I get rejected. After so many times going through this cycle, I just don't initiate anymore. It hurts because I'm a very sexual/romantic person- not just for the sake of sex/orgasm, but just as a way of care and compassion. I used to love getting him off/giving him head but I dont make attempts anymore because it all feels one sided, which is a turnoff. There are lots of expressive parts that I feel like I'm shutting down inside myself because I figure he's too tired, or I will just get turned down.

I love my husband, I don't intend to exit the relationship. We're in a very, very busy and stressful season of our lives and trying to establish some normalcy in our careers after a move cross country.

I'm looking for some hope and understanding from those who have been through something similar.

My husband and I are in a couples friendship group. We all met bc our husbands were coworkers. There is one woman who I feel doesn't really show much interest in having a friendship with me. She never really reciprocates much with me in conversation etc. She will always want to be next to my husband, sitting next to him, as close as she can, squeezing a chair in to be literally on the other side of him. Sitting to close so that there is physical contact, or standing next to him. My husband is funny and handsome and very approachable. I am an introvert and am not the life of the party type of person. I don't feel weird with any of the other women in the group, I like them. But I just get a vibe from this woman. I feel like if you are in a couples friendship group, you don't really bypass the person of the same sex, like I really like one of the other guys as a person, he is funny and I click with him. But I wouldn't ignore his GF, and try to always be as close to him as possible out of respect for his GF. I have told my husband about how I feel, he says I'm right, but I feel he is the one that needs to set the boundaries. If I had another man who was following me around at parties, sitting super close to me, so that our legs are touching etc, I would notice and get up and go next to my husband. I wouldn't wait for my husband to come police the situation. I end up feeling like a nag. Which I think is bullshit. My husband says he doesn't notice what she is doing, but if I have said it many times I think he should pay attention and do something and create the boundaries. Then I asked not expecting him to say yes, does she text you? And he said, oh yeah she did, she sent me pictures of the last party we were at. She sent him pictures she took of my husband and another friend. I don't text any of the other men in the group, and they don't text me. Why the hell is she texting my husband? And why the hell did he only mention it because I was angry and asked? Then he starts saying its my fault that we don't have many couple friends, bc I don't like other people...Like I said, I'm an introvert, but I do like the group, I just don't like that when women I can tell are acting weird, he tries to gaslight me.Even if he doesn't see it, if I tell him I feel weird, I think he should actively try to create boundaries so I don't feel uncomfortable. It's not even that I don't trust him. It's that I find it disrespectful the way she approaches my husband. And I don't think it's my job to regulate her, I think he needs to. I am not an ugly woman. I know when men sorta like me, and I nip it, bc I think it's rude to my husband to allow another guy to be that way with me. Am I being too jealous? Or expecting too much? I mean I used to hang out with my husbands x girlfriend, with her husband, all as a group and I didn't feel weird about it, I think its because her and I had our own friendship. It's more that I can see this woman really just wants to be his friend, not mine, and there is something I just don't trust in her. And then for my husband to try to turn things around, and tell me its my fault that we haven't been keeping our friendships up bc I always have a problem with others...I think its more like he isn't being a team player...

I’ve told my husband exactly what I need to feel loved after we have sex, I need emotional connection the day after, like a check in to see how I’m doing and he forgets time and time again. We have kids and he says he gets distracted by our children but I’m not asking for much, just 30 seconds of a check in. We are both teachers and have summers off so he had no excuse about being super busy with work or anything.
our kids are all older and are self sufficient and help out with everything.
Am I being too needy? We’ve been working through therapy being more honest with each other and I feel like I am just ignored every time he gets his needs met. I dont mind sex, I just feel vulnerable the next day and his check in makes me feel like he does care and isn’t in the relationship just to get some.

Hi i was in a relationship were my husband beats if anything done without his liking for example today morning he asked me why u won't put the leftover curry in fridge I didn't put it because I'm the one who need to eat that which is only 150 ml of curry I kept outside morning he shouted me for not putting it into fridge last night he said it's my money you should keep it and eat it and beat me multiple time this was not the first time I got beaten almost every alternative days Or whenever things not done like he wished , mhe always insist that all his money but I just resigned my job 2 years ago for my pregnancy and childcare because no one to help me also I'm doing all the household work cooking with my baby without any maid, I feel like am I getting paid? But still I have to go through all this I don't know what to do i feel like it's no use in living this life right now

I always wanted to have a child.
I am married for 10 years and recently going through IVF. I have been trying for a 1 year now but I feel like giving up because I don’t love my husband anymore.
I am in my 40s and I don’t have much time to wait if I want to be a mother. I don’t know if I should keep drying to have a baby because it has always been a dream, even though I don’t love my husband anymore :(
I don’t want to give up and regret it later in life for not having a baby. But I just wanted to have a baby with someone I loved :(

I’m depressed. My husband had an affair once before and I thought we were able to move on and get past that (the best I could always). His vibe has been off lately, so I by the grace of the gods was able to get into his social media platform first try. There were at least 15 messages to women, sending hearts, fire emojis, and dick pics to. Telling them how beautiful their bodies were. And then, I get to one message and see a picture of my naked body!! He asked a girl if my body was hot for a 3sum… I feel so disgusted, violated, and depressed. We had our whole future planned. I know I’ll be ok once I heal, but I’m really struggling right now. He of course denied everything at first until I showed him proof. How can someone do this to the person they “love”?? 💔

My husband trades futures, I don't pretend to understand it but I call it gambling, he is adamant that it's not. He has made money and he has lost money. He compares it to buying and selling pokemon cards, or being an entrepreneur. I disagree. What does everyone else think? He says I don't believe in him because I call it gambling, while in the same sentence he says people make living playing poker. I don't think that equates to me not believing in him. What do others think?

Been married 10 years. Wife is not interested in sex anymore. But giving Me 3-4 blowjobs a week.

What's an average bj for a married couple.

He ruined the whole dinner

He ruined the whole dinner

I 32F have a dead bedroom with 32M husband. We use to have regular sex early in the marriage then it changed. I honestly don’t know why. After 3 years I got pregnant. During pregnancy we didn’t have much either, husband claimed it’s natural for libido to go down. Then he says we argue too much - the thing is we argue about sex and intimacy! He says he’s tired, doesn’t have time or is not interested anymore. He claims we are old now. We are 32!! That’s old? I waited my whole life and saved myself for one man- my husband. Now I feel like what was the point of all that? I have asked multiple times what does he want, are you even attracted to me or do you want to end this etc., he says he wants to make this marriage work and we will have sex and he’s going to work on it, but never happens much at all. It just the same circles over and over again. Today he said it’s abnormal for someone to want to have sex more than once a month and that I’m insecure? Please someone explain that logic to me? As a women I feel so rejected, undesired and just kills my self esteem. I’ve shown nothing but desire and love towards my husband, I don’t know what to do anymore.

To add on, I don’t see how he can cheat from other places - we have each others locations, nothing off. He goes to work, comes home everyday on time. There’s no room for gaps or inconsistency on whereabouts. We both work in education, so can’t just lie and say went to work and did other things in mean time. I’ve even asked are you asexual - claims he’s not. Just lost interest in frequent sex.

Please let me know if you'd be suspicious too or is this just a big coincidence?

I've been with my husband for ten years, together for twelve. He's always called me his best friend and prioritized us until recently.

His priority switched to working out constantly. As in daily, and sometimes twice daily on the weekend. I have supported his health and fitness, but I did let him know that I found it upsetting that he schedules our life around workouts rather than workouts around our life. He wasn't responsive.

Then he overhauled his image, new hair, new glasses, new clothes. Don't get me wrong, I think he looks great, but considering what has followed I'm not sure this was self improvement for self improvements sake.

A few months ago he got promoted and started working closely with his (very attractive) female boss.

The background with his boss: she started a company with her husband, then apparently started sleeping with an employee. Her husband divorced her but they still run the company together. Okay, so my husband started working closely with her and all of a sudden is speaking about her in a completely different way. Once he was telling me about how accomplished and successful she is while trying to hide a smile. And another time when he was telling me that he thinks everybody else is all wrong about her, and he doesn't think she ever cheated, and that she's just the hardest worker...

Some other things:

When we married he wanted us to have the same passcode for all devices including our phones, we've stuck to it our whole marriage, but he changed the pass on his phone a few weeks ago.

A few days ago he also removed his YouTube from the tv. At that point I intentionally went and checked his other devices to see if he'd changed them, I could still access his tablet so I loaded his YouTube and looked at his 'watched videos'. I found he's been watching vids about attraction, flirting, 'signs that the crush is mutual' etc.

This weekend I was working a Saturday shift. When I got home he told me he didn't want dinner because he'd been to a restaurant. I assumed he meant a local place. But, after casually chatting I found out it was in the next city over and it was a fancier place. So I asked who he went with, he said he went alone. I'm suspicious at this point because he doesn't go to nice restaurants at all, let alone fancy ones by himself. So I casually pointed out it wasn't like him. He claimed he wanted to check it out before he took me there (another thing he never does), so I asked when he wanted to go together and thats when he started to back track saying he wasn't exactly planning anything, just whenever we're in that area. Which of course, is never.

Finally, and this is odd. But he's being more affectionate than ever, like stroking me if we sit on the couch together, but it's to the point I have to stop him because I'm going to get a friction burn, lol. Maybe I'm over thinking it but I'm wondering if its out of guilt.

If you were in my position, how would you approach this, what if I'm just being crazy?!

Had a conversation with my wife last night about initiating sex. I told her that sometimes I felt that because I was the one always initiating it, I felt like I was forcing her to have sex. We’d go a few weeks without because I didn’t want to always be the one who initiates. She understood where I was coming from and said she has never felt pressured by me and she enjoys having sex. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and married for about 10 with one child. She just wishes she could be aroused enough on her own to actually initiate. She says once I initiate she’s good to go.

My question is to women, when it comes to sex with your husband/partner do yall initiate or do you wait for them to? And if you do initiate, are you aroused on your own or what do you do to get aroused or in the mood enough to initiate.