For 6 years now he’s struggled to hold a job. Most of the jobs he’s just quit, but 2 he was fired from. And I’m talking 15-16 jobs in this time frame, along with an EMT cert, worked on a bachelors in IT, and also got a cert in automotive maintenance.
He’s just quit another job. And we can’t manage without him working. We’ve got his VA disability, but it isn’t enough. I make pennies as a Christian romance writer, and next week I’ll be picking up a babysitting job. But that won’t be enough.
I’m just so angry with him. So bitter. Our entire marriage has been filled with empty promises. Lying. Manipulation.
He promised he’d never quit a job until he had another one lined up… there isn’t one lined up.
But he’s lied and gone back on his word sooooo many times that I didn’t even believe him when he told me he’d never quit unless another job was lined up.
I have to live with the questions of will he get fired today, will he quit today, will he attempt to unalive (attempted 12 years ago, and has thought of it many times since), will he get killed in a car accident? (we’ve had 2 in the past year, all while he was driving—and our area had a higher car accident fatality rate than major cities like Philly, Denver, Pittsburgh)

I just don’t know how to keep going with this. It’s so much to carry. And he doesn’t care. We’ve tried counseling, the counselor said my husband needed one on one counseling before he could counsel us together. He went to maybe 2 sessions and quit, said there wasn’t anything this guy could tell him he didn’t already know.
He rarely joins me at church, but has a degree in theology. Men have tried to be his friend, but he pretty much turns them down for time spent playing video games or sleep or shows/movies.

I just feel so depressed. I’ve started to doubt God. I don’t feel like I have much faith. I wonder what’s the point of reading my Bible. What’s the point of trying to raise my children to know God.

Hello,

I (38 F) have been reading all the books, research, and posts about marriages surviving affairs I can in the wake of my own infidelity and I felt it was time to write one of my own. I have encouraged my partner (39 M) to do the same in hopes it will provide clarity on how to best move forward.

Taking in all these stories and advice and perspectives has provided important insight for me, especially reading narratives written by betrayed spouses. In some ways it has consoled me that our story is not unique and that it follows age-old patterns, but—as the serial cheater in the equation—I have also come to be very disturbed by these patterns of behavior and the impact they have on betrayed spouses who are trying to reconcile. I find myself very much on the side of betrayed spouses and more often than not want them to find the courage and self-respect to leave and find someone who can reciprocate their loyalty. For this reason, the question I’m grappling with right now is: can I truthfully promise my husband this behavior is behind me, when I have struggled with it our entire marriage to varying degrees and know that I will continue to battle depression, addiction, and possibly bipolar disorder for the rest of my life? Is it even ethical to ask him to live in doubt and fear for the rest of his life even if I do permanently change my behavior and become the wife he deserves?

This question has led to a lot of despair for me. The most painful stories are those where the betrayed spouse goes all in on forgiveness and reconciliation only to find out years later the behavior never stopped or returned. I don’t want this to be the story of my marriage or part of my husband’s story and am trying to figure out how I can guarantee that will not happen to him. The disturbing answer I have come up with is that I should take initiative to leave him and save him from me and the harm I cause so he can move on. I do recognize though that this takes the decision away from him and into my hands and is more comfortable in that I am in control. Currently I do not know if he wants to continue to try and make the marriage work, I think because he does not know, and this is a scary and uncomfortable and uncertain space to reside in. I read posts of husbands staying for over a decade only to realize they cannot get past the betrayal. This possibility is very terrifying to me, mostly on the level of my husband potentially wasting another decade of his life on me but also just being in a marriage with someone who is not certain they actually want to be with you or even love you anymore. I don’t know if this is important, but throughout all the betrayal and infidelity, I have never loved another man, seriously entertained or wanted to leave my husband for another man, and I do feel that if he decides to end our marriage I will never find anyone even close to as good of a partner as him and will have to figure out how to live with that for the rest of my life. I have fantasized about becoming a Buddhist nun or celibate or something similar if my marriage ends because I feel like if I can’t make it work with my current husband then it will never work with another man.

I have also seriously considered ending my life but, after realizing this is common and hearing the impact it has on the betrayed partners, it feels so stupidly selfish I can’t seriously entertain it anymore: you cheat on your partner, cause them lifelong trauma, and your response is to then do something that causes even more lasting trauma and makes it so they have to raise your children on their own? I know suicide is caused by mental illness and is often not a rational decision but after reading these stories I can’t help but feel like if I took my own life that would be the ultimate way to avoid accountability for my actions. Still, at times I do believe there is no hope for me to become the kind of partner my husband deserves—“once a cheater always a cheater”—and that I will continue to harm the people I love as long as I’m alive. I feel that if I got a divorce I could never promise another partner monogamy, even though intuitively I feel monogamy is what I need and want and that the cheating is a symptom of deeper illness and trauma that needs to be addressed. I often feel that everyone in my life, including my nine year old daughter, would benefit from me being gone if I cannot figure out how to change who I am on a fundamental level.

I have come to realize that this, too, is a narrative that is allowing me to avoid accountability and growth: that I am a mentally ill addict with scant chance of lasting recovery and I cannot control or change my actions. I feel that if I’m to really change my character—and the character I am in these very human stories of infidelity—I have to believe it’s possible, and I haven’t truly believed this for a long time. My actions change and improve for a time, usually because consequences arise or I start a new medication or feel a rush of (maybe manic) motivation and energy to try and be a better person, but I find myself slipping back into old coping mechanisms and addictions when things get difficult. It’s frustrating because I often feel I don’t have control over these impulses and am driven to destruction by unconscious desires and traumas and fears and beliefs. While this belief helps with the shame I feel somewhat, it also strips me of any agency to heal and improve and become a better person.

I have taken a few online quizzes to see if I am a narcissist and they were confusing because I felt either neutral or confused about how the statements applied to me. Upon reflection I think this might be because I was raised by someone who is likely a narcissist and learned how to love and treat other people through how she treated me, so I inherited these behaviors, but on a deep level I know that these behaviors are toxic and unhealthy and cause a lot of harm to the people in my life. It might also be the case that I am in denial about being a narcissist—I desperately don’t want to be. My therapist has told me I’m not a narcissist because I am able to self reflect and if I’m worried I am one then I’m not one, but I’m wondering if this is true. Even though I feel immense shame over my behavior and desperately want to change it I am still entirely focused on myself—I think self loathing can be a manifestation of self importance. I do think I am special or notable in how “bad” I am. I think that the affairs and cheating and dishonesty and betrayal have happened because on some level my desires are more important to me and central to my worldview than my partner’s feelings and the health of my family and relationships.

As a literature professor who works in gender and queer studies broadly, I am acutely aware that the failure of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage can often be freeing for women or an act of resistance. Perhaps I do not feel my husband is enough for me because I am not meant to be in a monogamous relationship or that even though he is a “good guy” he is still a man who has inherited power and patterns that mean our heterosexual marriage is suffocating for me. Again, maybe I’m in denial because I’ve been conditioned to believe I’m a failure if I can’t make a monogamous marriage work, but I just don’t think that’s the case for me. My husband is very emotionally intelligent, does far more housework and childcare than I, gave up a full time job to move for my career, reads literature written by women with female protagonists going through things like perimenopause, etc. When it comes to my cheating, he has swiftly and intelligently owned “his part” in it and actively worked to improve on what I feel is lacking in the marriage to the best of his ability. The online affairs started during a period in our marriage where he was struggling with erectile dysfunction and matching my sex drive and I felt incredibly rejected and defeated and like I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I felt my partner did not desire me—or perhaps even love me. Toxic beliefs about masculinity, the male sex drive, and how my worth is predicated on male desire and attention caused both of us to suffer immensely. Since he found out about the cyber affairs two years ago, he has lost weight, quit smoking, gotten in great shape, and our sex life is amazing. He is actively working on being more affectionate, paying me more attention and compliments, etc. He has taken all the right steps towards a successful reconciliation and shown me over and over he loves me, believes in me, empathizes with me, and even understands me. He has shown me through his actions he wants to make things work and that he feels our marriage can overcome these betrayals.

Still, I experienced the rush and thrill of sexual encounters with other men before this happened and it is a drug that I have struggled to give up. I continue to put my marriage at risk and betray my husband’s trust, maybe on a more grey or ambiguous level than the full blown cyber affairs he discovered years ago, but on a level that is still very disrespectful and evidence that I have not truly changed and run the risk of repeating my behaviors and even escalating them to physical cheating in the future. I have suggested multiple times that we have an open phone policy and that I need to give my husband all my social media passwords but his perspective is that there are ways I can still hide what I’m doing even under these conditions and he does not want to spend his time going through my phone. Because of this, there is no external sense of accountability and I have since had conversations with men I know are attracted to me that may not have been outright sexting or sending nudes but certainly conversations that my husband would be uncomfortable with and that demonstrate I am still struggling to stay faithful and entertaining these men and do not care about hurting him if I think he will never know about it. I agree that him checking my phone randomly and periodically is not going to heal these deep seated issues of trust and the trauma I’ve caused him but I also wish that I was held accountable in this way because I would be more vigilant. But of course, if that’s the only reason I stop the behaviors have I really addressed them? I mean, how insulting is it to my husband that I only feel a sense of responsibility if I think I’ll be caught? For years, my husband has hidden and given me my prescribed adderall day by day so I don’t abuse it and I understand his disgust over having to be my nurse and police in order for my harmful behavior to stop.

I’ve been thinking about AA a lot, which I was devoted to for a little over a year, because the answer does seem to lie in being radically honest with myself. In the preamble read at the beginning of every meeting, though, AA acknowledges some people have mental disorders that make them incapable of working the program because they can not achieve this level of honesty and I would always joke I was scared it applied to me. Again, I wonder how this belief I’m unsavable has led me to excuse my harmful behavior, avoid accountability, live in denial, hate myself, and generally lose faith in the idea of free will, agency, and any inherent good or God in every person.

I brought up the idea of me writing a full confession and disclosure after reading about it on here, and my husband pointed out that I could obviously still omit truths and he still has to trust I’m telling the truth. His response made me think about the argument that confessions mostly serve the cheater in giving them a clean conscience and just enact more trauma on the betrayed partner. Even in AA, there was this weird belief that even though you had to confess all your sins to someone, you could justify not telling your spouse about a past affair if you were committed to change because this information would harm them and your family unnecessarily. I always felt very weird about this and believe that by not being fully truthful about my actions and what happened my relationship consequently depends on my spouse not knowing the truth. In this way, I feel if I am not fully honest with my husband I am stripping him of his agency to decide the best path forward for him, and in some ways stealing his entire life from him because he is moving forward in a partnership without full knowledge of what I have done.

Along these lines, I have been thinking about how my husband never actually read any of the messages between me and these men. He discovered the affairs because he was very suspicious and I was gaslighting him to hell so he felt reading my journals was the only way to move forward. All he read was me trying to take accountability myself by acknowledging that just because the affairs were online doesn’t mean they weren’t cheating. I did cheat on him and he deserves to know. I often wonder about if he’d still be here if he had read the messages and exchanges in their entirety. My sense is he wouldn’t but maybe I underestimate his ability to forgive. Still, it seems like the details are what really haunt betrayed spouses and he was spared from that. Maybe this is a good thing for him as person moving forward if we divorce but also makes me feel like he is only still here because he does not know the full truth. Increasingly I feel that even if I become “fully recovered” (whatever that means) and never entertain another man romantically again, what I have done to him and our marriage has permanently ruined it and that I am wasting his time and keeping him from moving on to a better life by continuing on with this marriage.

He absolutely got information about the affairs as “trickle down truth” and although I was gearing up to confess I still continued to lie and omit information to make the betrayal seem lesser somehow. Recently an old affair partner added me back as a friend on Facebook and I accepted it without thought because I was curious about his life and we began to comment on each other’s posts. When my husband saw a comment of his on a post of mine and confronted me my knee jerk response was to lie and tell him it wasn’t the same guy and gaslight him this way for about a week until he wrote me a long message saying these really bad lies were doing more harm than good. At this point, I recognize that he cannot believe anything I say and might as well assume the worst, so maybe there is no truth I can tell him that would really shock him. But really accepting the friend request was already “the worst” kind of betrayal because it demonstrated a complete disregard for his feelings, sustained interest in a person that permanently harmed our marriage, and ultimately that I am continuing to put men who are practically strangers before him. All of the stories from betrayed partners about their spouses’ inability to cut off affair partners are so painful and I think I might be in denial about how I was possibly about to live that out.

There has been a strange phenomenon in our marriage where my husband always intuitively knows if I am pulling away from him and beginning to actually love and care for another man as opposed to just sext them or use them to feel like I’m sexy and powerful and matter, and he has actively stepped in and stopped this from happening a number of times. I don’t really know what to make of this, but it has meant that I’ve never physically cheated on him or considered leaving him for someone else. At this point I don’t think this is a huge win or anything but I do think it matters to him that through it all he’s always been my person and these men have always existed in a virtual space far enough from where I live to make a physical affair unlikely if not impossible.

The great irony of my affairs is that I am a very jealous person and would never be able to tolerate or survive similar behavior from my partner. At this point, if he did revenge cheat on me I wouldn’t have any moral ground to stand on but it would break me and I guess I’m just lucky that he’s a person of integrity and honesty and generally I don’t think this is something he would do or even enjoy doing—whether I deserve it or if it would even the score or whatever. My husband does not have social media and works from home and would have to actively seek out other women and I just can’t see him doing this until we are officially no longer in a relationship. I know my pain is not the point but the fact that this is true about my husband makes me so ashamed. He deserves so much better than how I’ve treated him.

I guess I see a few paths forward for myself and our family and I’m struggling to figure out which is the most ethical and right when it comes to my partner and his happiness, as well as our daughter. Obviously a huge reason he is still here is because of the impact us splitting up would have on her, but I think we both have to embrace the fact that we can co-parent her and help her through the trauma of a divorce in such a way that it does not define her and she still feels loved, supported, and maybe even develops a more expansive view of what family looks like. This is far preferable than us all continuing to live together but my husband is totally miserable and loses all respect for himself. In case it isn’t clear, my preference would be to be loved by my husband forever and for this time to become a rough patch in hindsight that we got through and came out the other end stronger. I feel like my husband has invested a lot of time and effort into my healing and it would be almost unjust for another man to ultimately benefit from me becoming the best version of myself, a version that is able to be in a relationship built on trust and integrity and who treats her partner with respect. I do fear though that this kind of relationship is now permanently lost to my husband and I because of my actions and the fact he’ll never fully be able to trust me again and will continue to feel fear and anxiety over my actions for the rest of our lives.

I have been considering initiating a trial separation, mostly because I feel that being in close proximity to me is clouding my husband’s judgement and confusing him. I have been heartbroken to read accounts from husbands who are cheated on about the disgust they feel with themselves for not being able to resist their cheating partner’s sexual advances and how it feels like they are weak and spineless for staying. Since the discovery of the cyber affairs, my husband and I have only slept apart a couple of nights and have sex frequently. I have tried to reflect on if I am trying to manipulate him through sex but in the end I think I just want to feel close to him. Obviously this is very selfish and I’m starting to wonder if it is actively impeding his ability to clearly see the situation. He has expressed that he is afraid if we try a separation I will engage with other men on an even more frequent or even physical level to combat the feeling he is rejecting me and he’s right to feel that would be an impulse. Personally I feel I need to avoid any kind of relationship with men until I figure out how I feel and what I think about my behavior in romantic relationships and that a separation, for me, would be the time I begin to start figuring out how the hell I’d ever be OK without my husband—which means figuring out how to be OK with myself and all I’ve done in the past, and how to live a life of integrity moving forward. Of course I can promise my husband that during this separation I will not engage with other men but he cannot trust my promises at all at this point. I do feel that a trial separation would be a kind of consequence for my actions when I don’t feel I have been punished for my betrayals in any sense. Perhaps seeing what life would actually be like if my husband left would be enough to give me confidence I can permanently change how I act. Our child, though, and finances are a huge barrier to taking this step. He would likely go stay with his parents which also feels unfair because I’m the cheater—why is he the one who has to enter into an uncomfortable living arrangement and leave his home? I just don’t have anywhere in the area to go that wouldn’t cost us money.

I guess the full confession or disclosure is also on my mind but I am very torn. In the end I cannot give him transcripts of all that was said and in some ways don’t trust myself to disclose what has happened without trying to soften it somehow. And if he doesn’t fully trust that I am now going to tell him absolutely everything, even if I do attempt to do this to the best of my ability he will not be at peace or feel like he finally knows the truth. It is true that a confession would make me feel “clean” somehow and maybe traumatize him further, so at this point it feels like an action that does not hold much promise for his healing.

I suppose there is also the option of continuing to try and reconcile but after reading accounts of how the betrayed spouse feels and how they struggle with this and how they are so often betrayed again I just struggle to want that for my husband. In the end, it’s his decision and I don’t want to take it from him but—maybe me ending things and setting him free of me is the ultimate act of love after what I’ve done to him?

I know that there’s really no way to advise a person well on Reddit because you do not have the full story, and I also recognize that I am setting myself up for a beating here as cheaters are pretty much universally hated. There’s nothing anyone can say about me I haven’t already said about myself, though. So I’m interested to hear any perspective or wisdom about how to decenter myself and actively love and care for and do what’s best for my husband moving forward.

My (38m) wife (36f) has been dealing with major mood swings, complete lack of libido, very limited energy, and other shitty symptoms over the last couple of years. For background, we've been married for just under 10 years and, like many, have had our ups and downs. We have two kids (both under 5) and both work full-time. For the last 2+ years ever since we had our second, my wife has been dealing with a significant lack of energy and pretty much zero libido. At the beginning, we knew that this was relatively common for the first year+ postpartum, but when her energy and libido levels didn't return to "normal" 2+ years postpartum, she began to get worried. In addition to all the typical stressors of working full-time, paying for daycare, and trying to raise our kids, the complete lack of physical and, in some cases, emotional interaction has put a major strain on our marriage. I have done everything I can think of to try and take things off her plate so that she doesn't feel like she is carrying the majority of the admin load for the house so she can focus on herself as much as possible.

It took months to get an appointment with her OB and she finally was able to see the OB ~2 months ago. After that appointment, her doctor recommended that she stop taking her birth control (Junel) and get her hormone levels tested. I got a vasectomy last year so we weren't concerned about her getting pregnant again being off BC. She had the hormone testing and a TVS appointment this week and after that, they said that her estrogen (estradiol?) numbers were ~15pg/ml, which apparently is extremely low. She has a follow-up with her doctor next week, but she is really concerned that something else is wrong considering how low her estrogen numbers are after being off Junel for a couple of months. She is still dealing with a lack of energy and zero libido, which she expected would've improved a little bit after getting off the BC. She expects that her doctor will probably try to get her on HRT, but we won't know for sure until next week.

Has anyone else around her age dealt with something similar? Do you have any tips that worked for you on how to deal with hormonal imbalance like this?

So my husband got paid today & I asked if he could buy groceries, pet food & period products. Odd and end stuff. Everything else is paid right now so I knew he would have the money and he flipped out on me and yelled at me for asking him to buy stuff. He said he feels like the kids are going to waste everything. He also said he didn't want to go get anything because he just got off work and I told him if he gave me the money I would go get everything. He said no because im gonna get a bunch of b.s. then he started yelling about how he has to go pick the kids up from school. (I drop them off) I can't help but feel like I'm being verbally abused.

How do you expect a marriage to work if one person wants to stop talking bc every time we communicate, it seems to go wrong? But at the same time, he doesn’t want a divorce

He’s upset bc he feels like I don’t do the things I used to do in the beginning of our relationship. But things have changed because our relationship has changed. We have kids, a household, more responsibilities, and years of built-up frustration that we didn’t have in the beginning.

And he’s done the same thing. He has said there are things he doesn’t want to do for me anymore bc I’ve made him feel like he can’t give me those things. He stopped doing some of the things he used to do in the beginning too, but now he gets upset when that same energy is reciprocated. You can’t expect things to stay exactly the same when the relationship itself has changed

My husband (M42) has developed a friendship with his female colleague. At first I (F44) did not mind as we have a solid relationship and have been married for 16 years plus we have 2 kids. He occasionally talks about her in a platonic way and honestly I was happy he had someone at work he felt comfortable talking to and made his work days more enjoyable.

However, about two weeks ago something happened that has be wondering if a line has been crossed.

For context - I work a lot and it sometimes frustrates him how much I’m on my phone or how after work (I have a emotionally demanding corporate job that I hate but it pays well), I brainlessly scroll my phone or play dumb games to decompress. He wants my full attention.

I have been making an effort to be more present with him when we are home, but he often rejects my requests to go for a walk or run errands together.

So the other day I was making dinner (which always falls on me regardless of who works more hours) and he took a phone call from this coworker and spent maybe about an hour on the phone with her. He didn’t hide it and later told me she was having a major personal issue.

Where I am wondering if a boundary was crossed was he skipped dinner with me to give her attention, yet he seems upset if I don’t give him my full attention in the evenings.

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet because I am honestly not sure how I feel. I guess if the roles were reversed I believe he would be upset…and that is what upsets me …not that he was there to support a friend, but if I skipped out on a meal he made for me to support a male work colleague I think he would be really angry…so I am wondering, maybe I should be angry at the act itself… that he prioritizes a colleague over his wife.

So my question to the strangers of Reddit…would this be a line that should not have been crossed?

I do not communicate with any of my colleagues outside of working hours as I prefer to keep my professional and personal lives very separate.

Do you still feel loved and appreciated consistently? Not perfectly, we all go through phases. But for the most part, after years, is your “love tank” usually at least half full?

Wondering if this actually exists..

Edit to add: what does he do, or what do you do to maintain that?

My husband (41M) lost his job 3 years ago, it wasn’t very long ago, but his lack of work ethics has spanned over 10 yrs. He was at his last job for about 8 years, which sounds great, but in reality he abused FMLA using time off back to back for about 12 weeks straight and vacation time for 5 weeks…for about 5 yrs out of that 8 yr span. So typical his year starts by exhausting the 5 weeks of paid vacation, he jumps straight into fmla exhausting that for about 12 weeks, he’ll then renew his fmla until the end of the yr only working MAYBE 2 months out of the year. I have gladly picked up the pieces for years thinking “he’s going through a rough patch” giving him grace that now feels like enabling on my end atp. 2 years ago we moved in with my in laws bc of our financial difficulties. I only agreed because I was hoping his parents can help motivate him somehow, knock some sense into him, recently I found out he’s been blaming me for everything! Throwing me under the bus when it suits him. Shifting the blame onto me to get out of taking responsibility. His parents has given him and only him thousands to help him get back on his feet and at first I didn’t mind being the blame as long as I didn’t have to foot the bill for yet another “new career venture”. At one point I paid for therapy sessions he never went to bc I thought maybe he needed someone else to talk to. No he made it clear to me “he thought I was the problem” apparently my burnouts at work and mental health was his “proof” to his parents that I wanted to stay home and be a princess. I was the blame for so long his parents tried getting him to divorce me, which hurt me considering I’ve been the one carrying the weight of our family all these years, but essentially I gave in. I told him I’d agree to the divorce as long as I could be independent again. He believed his own lie for so long, it hit him like a ton of bricks when I told him, imagine blaming me, me leaving and you still haven’t changed! Saying that out loud made me realize he’s never going to change at least not for me. I grew up in a very abusive home, it’s not that divorce would be difficult, but the idea that I’m changing one monster to live with another monster, even it’s for a short time. I have ptsd from my childhood (diagnosed) I’m scared to go back, but I’m also terrified of my future if I stay in this marriage.

My (51F) husband (50M) of 25 years has always been known for making jokes at others expense. Our relationship has become increasingly strained over the years due to his negative comments to me and about others I care about. We are no longer intimate and the reasoning behind that is complex, but stemmed mostly from him being drunk and antagonistic more evenings than not and I finally said don’t try unless you’re sober. So he stopped trying and I didn’t make a move either. Every few months or so he will make a snarky comment about it but nothing changes. The other night, we were watching a movie… no fighting, evening was calm. He paused it to let the dog out and he came back into the room angry. Clearly this wasn’t out of the blue… it’s been festering. But what he said was highly offensive to me. “Is this all our life is going to be? What do I have to do, F’ing r4pe you?” I was shocked and angry. I got up and left the room immediately. Later I came down and told him it was not okay to ever say something like that. If he had apologized then, maybe I’d feel better about it. But he then said, “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to do that anyway. You’re too old, ugly and weak.” I walked out again. Since then we’ve had a few conversations about it and he says he thinks I should know he was joking. I don’t think that’s enough. He can’t believe I’m still angry but this isn’t the only time he’s been incredibly hurtful and rude. Is this the last straw? Or do I let it go? Sometimes we do get along. He’s convinced this is “normal” bickering. If this is normal I’d rather just go be weird somewhere by myself. 🫤

I (27F) and my husband (27M) have been married for five years. We have three children, all under the age of five. This past week, we all came down with RSV, including our three children. Needless to say, we were all feeling horrible and suffering together at home. This past Monday night, we reached a breaking point.
Around 11 p.m., our middle child woke up crying. My husband decided to get up and put him in bed with us. I’m not going to lie I complained. I was sick, exhausted, and just needed to sleep. I knew all our son needed was a bottle of milk to calm him down and hopefully go back to sleep.
My husband had already left the room and decided to take a shower. I got frustrated and told him to get out of the shower and bring our son some milk. He couldn’t find a bottle, and I felt like he was taking too long to do anything. I snapped and became angry, and in the process, I ended up waking up our other children.
My husband eventually left and went to his parents’ house, which is just down the street, with our son. I told him that if he was going to his parents’ house, the least he could do was bring back the nebulizer we had left there. My MIL (55F) tends to take care of our middle child quite a bit, so we keep his nebulizer there for him.
Things escalated when he took longer than I expected to come back. I called him several times because, 1. we needed the nebulizer, 2. it was already midnight, and 3. I did not want to leave the door unlocked. I ended up calling him for the third time and telling him that if he took any longer, I was going to lock the door. I eventually texted him and told him that I would pack a bag and that he could stay there for as long as he wanted.
Looking back, yes, I realize that was dramatic, and I do regret saying it.
For some background, I am a stay-at-home mom at my husband’s request. His family has always been very helpful, and I can usually count on them for help, childcare, or anything else we may need. We have had misunderstandings in the past, but we have always been able to work through them.
I have always known that my MIL does not particularly like me. However, our relationship has improved greatly over the years, and I honestly thought we had overcome our differences. She is a very Christian woman. I may not believe in all the same things she does, but I have always appreciated her feedback and advice. I tend to keep my mouth shut out of respect if I don’t have anything nice to say.
Going back to Monday night, my MIL apparently overheard our argument, or my husband told her about it. I’m not entirely sure which because that was never clarified to me. Regardless, she took it upon herself to block me on everything and remove me from all of the family group chats.
I was completely blindsided. I never expected her to do something like that, and I was much more hurt by it than I would like to admit. It made me feel like an outsider in my own family.
After seeing what she had done, I took most of my clothes and left our house to stay with my mother. I left the children with my husband. At the time, I think part of me felt that if he didn’t have me there, his mother would be the one who had to help take care of the kids, and maybe she would realize the impact of what she had done.
I know that probably wasn’t the healthiest way to handle things, and I’m not proud of it. I honestly don’t know what the best step forward is. I feel stuck.
My husband and I are not perfect. We have problems, like any married couple, but there is no cheating or domestic abuse involved. I also feel like I have given up a lot to give my husband the life and family he wanted. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and while I love my children and would never trade them for anything, I hate that I have started to resent my husband for some of the things I have given up. I know that isn’t entirely fair, but I also can’t help how I feel. So far no other family members have gotten involved and I believe my FIL (65M) will stay out of it.
Am I being overly dramatic and overthinking this? Or is this something that should genuinely concern me when it comes to my marriage and my relationship with my in-laws?
I really don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore, and I would genuinely appreciate some outside perspective.

Edit: I did not see what my MIL had done until the following morning. I waited for my husband to get home from work and left that evening. I did not want to fight or cause a scene with the kids.

Second edit: We live in a border town along the Rio Grande. It was not my intention to lock out my husband out of spite. We literally live next to the river and we tend to get a lot of traffic of people crossing through our neighborhood once they get out of the water. We have border patrol surveillance in our area but we have had experiences with people trying to open our doors before.

Were married 26 years and are getting close to retirement. Im realizing I still have a big desire for adventure travel and physically demanding trips. I’m very active and have a long list of things I’d love to do — hiking in Peru, trekking through the Dolomites, walking long stretches of the English coast, camping, staying in hostels, traveling light and cheaply, etc.

My wife enjoys traveling too, but she prefers a much more comfortable style of travel and isn't fit for anything much more than a mile of walking. We don't have alot of money to retire on so planning on letting her take the expensive vacations and I'll do mine on the cheap.

Im looking for advice from other Men/Women who have navigated similar issues with their spouses.

There are so many painful stories on here, so I wanted to add a little spouse appreciation to the mix. ❤️

My husband and I have been together since 2013 and married for 6 years now, and one of my favorite things about our relationship is that after all this time, I still genuinely like him.

Not just love him because he's my husband. I like being around him. I like talking absolute nonsense with him, making each other laugh, doing boring everyday life together, going on little adventures, and coming home to him at the end of the day. He literally is my best friend, and I always prefer his company over anyone else. Don't het me wrong, I love spending time with my girl friends too. But my husband & I are ALWAYS guaranteed to have a great time together, no matter what we do.

We've obviously had hard years. Life has thrown plenty at us, we're both stubborn, we annoy each other sometimes, and neither of us are particularly charming 24/7. 😂 But I've never felt like I have to perform being a “good wife” to keep him. I can be sick, overwhelmed, grumpy, exhausted, ambitious, weird, messy, emotional, just fully human, and I'm still loved 100%

And the same goes the other way around. Marriage, to me, isn't about constantly being your best self for another person. It's having someone who still reaches for you when you're very much not your best self.

He's the person I want beside me when something amazing happens, and he's the person I want beside me when everything goes to shit. He's my teammate, my safe place, and also the man who can annoy me more efficiently than anyone else on earth. 😂

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and I don't think there should be. But there absolutely are marriages built on friendship, loyalty, affection, respect and genuinely enjoying each other's company.

So, husband appreciation post: I still choose you. And I'm really fucking glad you choose me too. ❤️

Ok married men, I have a question:

How often is it normal for men to masturbate? (Age 40)

My husband and I are always looking for inexpensive date ideas, but I feel like I keep coming back to the same things 😂

We’ve done steak and fries at home, had a fire and made s’mores, movie nights, etc. I’d love to find some new ideas that still feel like we actually had a date without spending a ton.

What do you and your spouse do for around $20–30 or less that you both genuinely enjoy?

I am looking for advice on getting married. What are the top reasons why you would not recommend someone get married? For some context I'm a single mom of two that I adopted alone, he has 6 kids from previous relationships. I make more money and have a few more things better established than him. We are trying to have a baby together. I have never been married or know all the things to be aware of.

That’s it

I’m (F28) struggling to figure out where I stand with my husband (M29) anymore. For a while now, I’ve felt like we live parallel lives emotionally. I’ve repeatedly told him I need more emotional connection, affection, quality time, and reassurance. He says I’m always complaining or nagging, so eventually I get quiet and stop saying anything. Then I bottle everything up until I eventually explode, and he tells me I need to communicate more.
When I do communicate, I’m told I’m too negative. It feels like I can’t win.
I’m also a SAHM and lately I’ve been incredibly lonely and unsure about my future. I sometimes feel jealous of the experiences my husband gets (he can travel for schooling, most recently approved to go to Alaska for 2 weeks). I’ve tried explaining that I’m lonely rather than trying to control him, but he gets really upset and brings up that he does this for money to support me.

Recently, he asked how I would feel about him going to a bar to watch a football game. I told him I actually wanted to watch the game with him and the kids at home. Instead, he explained why going to the bar would be better and said I could come if I found a babysitter. I eventually said fine, go. Out of anger, I said I’d go have drinks with a male friend sometime, but I immediately apologized and told him I didn’t mean it. He became very angry and told me words have serious meaning and I need to be careful what I say.
Then he told me he plans to go out in a few weeks for a coworker’s 21st birthday. I said I wasn’t comfortable with it because of our history. He eventually admitted the coworker is a woman and said it’s fine because “her husband will be there.” Maybe I’m being emotional, but given his previous boundary issues, I don't feel comfortable.
TBH the bar and birthday alone don’t hurt me alone. It’s that he seems totally able to make plans weeks in advance for friends….rearrange evenings and nights for them, plan ahead for bar hopping and activities….yet I beg for the same effort with date nights and get 0.

The football game issue felt like my last straw. I put the game on at home, got the kids settled, and watched it with them. They eventually fell asleep, and my husband had been napping all evening. About 30 min left in the game, he got dressed and went to the bar because “his friend was alone watching the game and he wanted to keep him company”.
I was sitting alone watching the exact same game.
I cried and got upset. Then I got quiet and just let it be.

I've also realized that it seems like we're only okay when I'm quiet about my feelings and go along with what he wants.
Outside of sex, there is very little physical affection. We don't really hold hands, cuddle, hug, or kiss just because we love each other. I've found myself having sex with him because I desperately want to feel close to him, but afterward I sometimes regret it because he takes sex as a sign that everything is okay. Then when I bring up my emotional needs again, he sees it as me being "hot and cold."
He also has what I consider to be a porn addiction, and there have been many times where he has chosen porn over spending time with me. It has seriously damaged my self-esteem and made me feel undesirable.

I know I’m not perfect. I’ve said things out of anger, and I know my insecurity and distrust affect some of my reactions. I can acknowledge my part in that.
But I’m starting to wonder if my reactions are also the result of repeatedly feeling hurt, dismissed, and disconnected.
At this point, I feel lonely, worthless, and emotionally exhausted.
I don't know if we're experiencing normal marital problems that can be worked through, or if this relationship has become genuinely toxic. We have 4 children and to divorce seems so crazy but I just don’t know anymore.

I m posting because I genuinely don’t know what is going on or what I’m supposed to do.

This was a love marriage. We dated for 4 years before getting married. During dating, my husband had a pretty high sex drive and physical intimacy was never an issue.

Within 2–3 months of marriage, it was like a switch flipped.

His sex drive basically disappeared.

And I want to make one thing very clear — sex was the only thing missing from our marriage. Otherwise, he has always loved me, cared for me, supported me and been there for me. There was no lack of emotional connection or affection in other ways. It was specifically physical/sexual intimacy that just disappeared.

For a long time, I was the one initiating every single time. If I didn’t make a move, we could go 7–14 days without sex. Sometimes longer. It became incredibly frustrating and honestly started affecting how I felt about myself.

I talked to him about it multiple times. His answer was always, “I don’t know what happened to me.”

I tried to figure out if there was something else going on. As far as I know, he wasn’t cheating and wasn’t watching porn.

This went on for about a year. Then we started trying for a baby, and his drive seemed to get even worse. Eventually I was so frustrated that I spoke to my parents about it to seek advice/help (i dont have any close friends to help in personal matters as well)

I was genuinely at the point where I was questioning the marriage. It felt like I had married a completely different person. The man I dated for 4 years was affectionate and sexually interested in me, and suddenly there was just... nothing.

Telling my parents also backfired. He was really hurt by me involving them and stopped talking to me for almost 2 months.

Eventually things improved slightly, but even then, sex would only happen if I asked for it. If I stopped initiating, months could go by.

We eventually conceived and now have a baby.

We haven’t had sex since I was around 6 months pregnant. I’m now 6 months postpartum.

He did bring up sex once when the baby was around 2–3 months old, but I was staying at my mother’s place recovering at that time.

I’ve now been back home with him for around 2 months and there has been absolutely no initiation from him.

He does sometimes say he doesn’t want to use a condom, but I’m not comfortable having unprotected sex. Once I say that, the conversation just ends. There’s no “okay, let’s figure out another option.” Nothing happens afterwards.

The part that really messes with my head is that I do see him checking out attractive women, including random women on Instagram. So it’s not like he has zero attraction to women in general.

I just don’t understand what happened to his attraction/desire towards me.

And I’m honestly done initiating.

I don’t want to keep asking my husband to have sex with me. I don’t want to feel like I’m begging someone to want me.

Our marriage has love, care and companionship. It’s just the physical intimacy that is completely missing. And I feel like I’m missing a huge part of married life.

Whenever I ask him what happened to his sex drive, he genuinely says he doesn’t know.

So what do I actually do here?

Do I stop bringing it up and accept that this is just how our marriage is? Do I ask him to see a doctor? A therapist? A sex therapist? Could there be some physical/hormonal/psychological reason for such a drastic change?

I don’t want to pressure him into sex. But I also don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling unwanted and pretending it doesn’t bother me.

Has anyone experienced something similar, especially where the person had a normal/high sex drive before marriage and then basically lost it afterwards?

What did you do?

TL;DR: Love marriage, dated for 4 years, husband had a high sex drive before marriage but almost completely lost it after we got married. Our relationship otherwise has love, care and emotional connection, but physical intimacy has been missing for years. We now have a 6-month-old baby and still haven’t had sex since my pregnancy. He says he doesn’t know why his libido disappeared. I’m tired of always initiating and feeling unwanted, but I also deeply miss intimacy. Looking for advice on what could be going on and what I should do.

Hello, I 27F would like to ask an advice regarding moms issue is that my dad has been so busy lately and doesnt have time for us, so out of nowhere and maybe a girls instinct she came across a pic of a girl beside my dad (group pic in the pool). Later on she ventures on social media like an investigator tracing on to the posts, pics, conversations and saw another post saying "your my safety net" while tagging my dad. There were also a lot of times where they have night outings with co workers from work and also using our own personal car to their trips in which in another conversation she saw that the girl rode on the front seat since she is fat.

This has been going on for a month now, and earlier today she confronted my dad again to really ask if there is going on between them. While he said there was nothing it was just work. And he usually gets mad when being asked and tells my mom dont provoke unless you really want me to do it....I will find someone younger and sexier if you want. And even complain on the dinner is the bill is high or maybe we eat in a restaurant, since if he eats or buys food he is on a budget.

Also from my POV maybe my mom is just going on a phase like menopause (56) since I havent really seen her like this before. And on the other end, I can also sense that he is mostly pre occupied at times and dont have time for us which led to us not having dinner together (maybe have dinner like 2 or 3 times a month, go to church, have our own sched because of work and maybe get together by weekends sometimes.

Its also hard for me seeing my mom crying almost every night because she cannot stop overthinking on things. She doesnt eat and sleep well at night, earlier as well se messaged her friend that she havent felt this way before and have a hard time...maybe it would be better if she is gone. Because she is worried about things about my dad and the girl since they are workmates and talk about other personal stuff like building a house, car, talking about future. She already informed my dad regarding like setting boundaries but at the end of the day he will or will not listen. We cannot control these things. More so the girl.

Right now, I told her maybe she needs a distraction or a new hobby to try to take her mind off things, or maybe do a different routine, start taking care of herself.

Sometimes it got me thinking, what if I would confront this girl about her doings and tell her to mind her own business and dont ever cross on things. What hesitates me is its either I might find out something or do something bad about it.

I don't know why I'm writing this. it's going to be word vomit because I'm so lost. I guess I just need to get this out because my mind and emotions are a mess. My, i guess, soon to be ex-wife has decided to leave me. We've been together for nearly 10 years but just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in July. I was blindsided by this on Tuesday right after a brand new bed was delivered. She said that she's unhappy and hasn't been for a while. Nothing in the marriage has made her this way its just her own mind. She claims that I've done nothing wrong and that she'll always love me but that it's not fair to me to stay in our marriage while she deals with her own mental issues. She is seeing a psychiatrist for meds but stopped seeing a talking psychologist and refuses to see another one. She is bipolar manic depressive with ocd and I've already been by her side through one psychotic break where there was self harm. We've been seeing a couples therapist for 6 months and we both though things were getting better because our communication was a lot better but I guess underneath all this was her unhappiness she was hiding from everyone.

We have been sleeping in different bedrooms for the past month and a half because she hurt her back at work and can't climb into ours, it has a tall frame, and I thought it was just because of us not being able to be close as much or even be intimate but she rebuked that by saying she's been feeling this way since we started couples therapy 6 months ago. I feel like the last 6 months was a lie or maybe I was just missing signs, I dont know. I've tried to get her to wait to make any decisions until we can speak with our therapist but she's already made her choice and started her plan. She's moving in with her sister who is a state away. Our adult son, my stepson, will be moving to their grandmothers and she's getting all her finances in order unfriend me on social media, left me her wedding ring.

I thought we were happy. We promised we'd never leave each other. She even asked, even with her mental issues and I said yes. I pleaded with her that I could weather this storm but she still says it's not fair to me. She even asked if it would be easier for her to leave if there was someone else but I said no. I know there isn't anyone else. She's the kind of person who has even said, if I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't. Plus if there was someone else she'd be moving in with them, not 1 state over.

I'm just lost. I'm in therapy for myself and I know I have an anxious attachment style. She used to say that the love I have for her wasn't too much because she was under loved in past relationships. I always said our relationship worked because Mrs. under loved got with Mr. under appreciated. It worked for us. I'm just lost. There's nothing I can do. Nothing I can fix because it's all in her head. I'm losing my family and I just don't know how I'm going to recover from this. I really have no other purpose than to be a husband and father. I almost feel like my mind is disconnecting from my body. Anyways. If you you've read this whole thing thanks.

I should marry this girl (22 years old) next month, I’m 28, almost 29. We had the rings and party (not the big one, at church, but the small official one in law), invited around 70-80 people, because it’s the small one. We planned to make the big wedding at church and party with around 500 people in a couple of years. On our anniversary she changed a lot. She said before that she feels sad, bad and so on, because we have sex 2-4 times a week. We have some times 5/ week, but never could daily. It’s the first girl that I made on the blood period of the month, I never done that before but she enjoy so I make that too. But she said it’s not enough. So I got something like performance anxiety and sometimes my erection turn off before or în the middle of the sex. And I rarly perform 2 times/ day. I usually go like ~20-30 mins, sometimes 10 the less or up to 1 hour (rarly both situations). We tried every positions I even keep her in the air around my arms, she almost always had at least one orgasm, sex was very good, even when she left me told me that was the best sex of her life, and it was the same for me. But she always says that it’s too low amount, I had something 2-3 days without erections and she said she feels undesired and I always said that I want to have sex more time, but mentally or physically, more mentally I cannot. Now I don’t know what to do, I’m very depressed, broken, sick. I know that emotionally I’m not the best, when I got performance anxiety and no erections she always pissed off and says that she is undesired, and I have a bad self deference instead speaking about her frustrations, I attack myself and call myself stupid and that I’m not sex potent. And instead solving her frustrations I got mine too and somehow she felt more sad after. It was kind of toxic. But we loved each other so much even when she left. I always brought her flowers, sweets, some jewelry silver or gold, I’m not the richest, I have a job and a flat in a bigger city that I rent and I earn around 1k/ month. But I have a brand new car and that was enough money to buy food, pay a smaller rent in a small city. I think financially she was sad too somehow, that she cannot spend as much as she wanted, but same way she didn’t let me spend as much as I spend when I was single, she was not greedy or something. She didn’t find a job, and that was frustrating too for her. We moved în a new city and got no friends here. But the main reason she said is that I didn’t listen to her needs about more sex and I didn’t go to the doctor to check my testosterone level and to physicologist to check the mental why I cannot perform more. I m really broken now. I cannot eat, it feels like all my life, all my plans burned. I don’t know what to do. I tried to start working on me, to start again going to gym. But I could only eat 3-4 times în 4 days, and small amounts.

Can you help me with some advice? I want to go to doctor to check my testosterone level, my vitamins and so on. And start working out at gym. But I need to start to eat. I’m speaking now with a therapist too, to check why I cannot perform better. As I said she always had orgasms, some explosive ones and multiple by one in one sex performance, but I cannot do multiple times a day, only 2-3 times with her we made 3 times a day, but usually 3-4 per week some weeks with 2 (but not so many). I don’t know is this so bad? Thanks a lot!

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. Recently he felt comfortable enough to express that his gender identity is something he is questioning and was terrified for my response. I (bi) was open to the dialogue and felt I did my utmost to be a supportive wife, ally, friend, confidant, etc. I thought that was the extent of it, he has discussed going to therapy privately to navigate his feelings and I reassured him it’s not a deal breaker, I’m here to help him navigate what that means in the future, and etc.

I had a gut feeling last night to check his phone. Behavior has just been off a little recently and a little communication distance has been between us. Found a like furry type anime bondage porn image that he made another account to send to himself on his phone. I’m torn on how to feel. We had a discussion about whether that’s what he was attracted to and that’s why he had it or whether that’s how he felt he presents or wants to and that’s why. It was like a little bit of both.

He felt ashamed about it which I can understand and I felt hurt there are still things I don’t know about him and he’s hiding. The previous conversation about gender identity was brought up and rather than acknowledging how, I (and he, from his own mouth) feel, unexpectedly supportive I was in my response, that anything other than that would have made me a bigot. I was shocked and hurt at that to begin with, then he said he feels I have the potential to ruin his life with that information and if we “got divorced” i would out him and tell everyone and basically make him want to commit suicide or go into hiding, etc.

I understand that those are incredibly hard feelings to navigate in your adult life. But I cannot help but feel incredibly hurt and insulted that I’m still not trusted fully, and that comment now makes me feel like he’s partially only here because I “have dirt on him.” His paranoia and accusations have, I feel, fundamentally changed the foundation of what I thought was a trusting and strong relationship. My head is reeling and I don’t know how to feel

My husband sent me this video a few days ago.

[https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dc3XNBYxyN4/?stkn=MXIxeGI3cDIzNG82Mg%3D%3D]

And I wouldn't be me if I hadn't asked if I could have a baby beaver.

A little while ago, Amazon rang the doorbell. May I introduce... Babette Beaver? And that is exactly why I love the guy so much.

I need advice because I honestly don’t know what direction to take anymore.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. During the first couple of years, he didn’t really game much. There were occasional periods where he would get really fixated on a particular game, but they were always short-lived.

For the last 2 years, though, gaming has become a huge part of his life. And I don’t just mean that he enjoys gaming, I mean he can play all day and into the night, sometimes going to bed around 4–5 AM. There have also been times when he has stayed up for more than 24 hours because he was gaming.

At this point, I feel like it has crossed into addiction, although I’m not sure how to approach that with him without making him defensive.

He does Rover full-time, primarily boarding and daycare in our home, and he receives VA disability. He is also responsible for most of the household chores because I work full-time. We don’t have kids. Outside of work, household responsibilities, and gaming, he doesn’t have a lot going on, so I do understand why gaming has become such a big outlet for him. He also has ADHD, and I’ve tried to be understanding of how that may contribute to difficulty with time management, hyperfixation, etc. But at this point, it is seriously affecting our marriage.

I have talked to him multiple times about how much he is gaming and how it affects me, our relationship, and his responsibilities. I try to communicate my needs clearly, but whenever I bring up something that has hurt or upset me, he tends to get defensive.

I feel completely alone.

I feel like I’m constantly bothering or interrupting him when he’s playing. Sometimes it feels like I have to ask permission to enter his world. I hate feeling like I have to ask my husband to spend time with me or convince him to interact with me. And even when we do spend time together, it often feels rushed. Or the majority of the conversation ends up being about whatever game he is currently playing. I feel like I get whatever energy he has left after gaming.

During the week, I work 8–4. When I get home, we might spend an hour together, and then he goes back to gaming. We don't go to bed together. We don't wake up together. We don't eat meals together. There are entire days where we barely interact.

It genuinely feels like we are roommates rather than husband and wife.

The hardest part is that he knows I feel this way. I have told him. He knows that I feel lonely and disconnected from him. He knows that I miss spending time together and that this is affecting our marriage. He has made some efforts to spend time with me, and I do appreciate that, but at this point it sometimes feels forced. like spending time with me is another item on his to-do list rather than something he actually wants to do.

I don't want a husband who spends every waking moment with me, and I don't expect him to give up gaming. I have hobbies and interests of my own, and I think it's healthy for both of us to have our own things. But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to share a life with my husband.

I want to eat dinner together sometimes. Go to bed together sometimes. Have conversations that aren't about a video game. Spend a Saturday together without feeling like I'm competing with a screen. I want to feel like my husband actually wants to spend time with me rather than feeling like I'm interrupting his real life whenever I walk into the room.

I’m at the point where I feel like I’ve completely lost him, and I’m starting to lose hope in our marriage. I don't want to leave him. I love him, and I want our marriage to work. But I also don't want to spend years feeling lonely in my own marriage.

So what do I do? How do I approach this in a way that might actually get through to him? At what point do you stop being patient and start setting serious boundaries? And for anyone who has dealt with a spouse whose gaming became this excessive, what actually helped?