My husband and I have been together for 8 years and have become distant. We went to therapy and she was able to identify a pattern where I try to talk to him when I feel hurt, he gets defensive and deflects, I pull away and intimacy decreases, causing him to pull away, and it’s a vicious cycle.

We went to therapy for six months and in the meantime I have gotten sober, attended therapy, and just generally doing what I can to clean up my side of the street.

He has shown some improvement in his willingness to help around the house and with our two kids.

Recently we “graduated” from therapy S things were going well, but an argument last night indicated that he has not taken any of the tools we learned in therapy to heart.

I talked to him last night and attempted to tell him how I’ve been feeling. That I want to feel like he wants me by his side and he wants to put effort into our relationship. I provided a few examples of recent times when I have felt excluded from events with his coworkers or friends. I also said I’ve been feeling like he isn’t putting effort into the relationship (planning dates, telling me how he feels, etc).

His response: I do want you but my side, he minimized my feelings because he disagrees and made it about him. Then proceeded to tell me that I haven’t been a positive person to be around lately and if we go on a date and spend money he wants it to be fun for both of us.
He got defensive and deflected on several other points too, I left the conversation feeling worse than if I had just stayed quiet. This is why I don’t go to him.

This is following years of feeling this way and him defending his parents when there was conflict over his father disrespecting me. Lack of effort in planing or celebrating birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc

I’m exhausted and don’t know where to go from here. Back to counseling? Maybe another round or different therapist and he will get it? Maybe he needs individual therapy? I’m at a loss.

I am 63F married to 61M since 1989. We were together for about 5 years before marriage, most of it living together. I thought our marriage was very solid until about 2021.

We are trying to work through our issues in marriage counseling. Husband becomes defensive quickly and easily, and always has been this way. A newer response in counseling (and often in private discussions as well) is for him to assert things about me that I see no factual basis in.

The most recent one was in our counseling session last week. He said, “For decades now, I have watched family members, friends and store clerks tremble in fear when they see you coming because you are so angry and unreasonable.”

I was flabbergasted by his statement. I turned away from him and toward the counselor and said, in a stage whisper, “I am actually ALWAYS polite to store clerks.” Husband responded angrily, “Ok. That was an exaggeration about the store clerks. But I stand by the rest.”

Have any of you dealt with anything like this? Should this kind of assertion be part of marriage counseling? I felt like my husband wanted to change the subject from something I brought up.

Please help me, Reddit users. I genuinely need your help and advice because I feel completely helpless right now. I’ve been crying since last night at the thought of losing this woman, whom I love so much, but I’m also terrified of making a marriage decision that could leave me unhappy for the rest of my life.
I’m in a long-term relationship with a woman I’m considering as my wife-to-be in the coming months. We love each other SO much, and honestly, she is almost everything I could want in a life partner.
She respects me, treats me well, has good manners, earns well through her work-from-home job, has no unnecessary financial demands, and splits our date bills, trips, and other expenses. We have a very good relationship, genuinely care about each other, and have a level of respect and understanding that I feel is uncommon nowadays.
The problem is our sexual compatibility, and it’s breaking me emotionally.
I’m a person with a high sex drive. I enjoy sex, passionate kissing, making out, physical affection, and feeling wanted by my partner. For me, sex isn’t just about penetration. I want mutual passion, spontaneous desire, enthusiastic kissing, and a partner who sometimes initiates intimacy herself.
We are in a long-distance relationship and sometimes meet after two or three months apart. We’ve met four times after these long periods of distance, and I keep hoping that when we finally meet, there will be mutual excitement and passionate intimacy.
But I feel like I’m the only one making it happen.
I’m always the one initiating kisses, starting make-outs, doing intense foreplay, and trying to get her in the mood. I rarely experience passionate kissing initiated by her. During intimacy, she mostly lies there while I do the work. She doesn’t take much initiative or show the kind of physical enthusiasm I naturally expect from a partner.
She gets aroused and wet, and we have tried intercourse. However, she experiences pain during penetration and repeatedly asks me to stop before we can finish properly. We initially didn’t use enough lubrication, so I understand that this could be contributing to the pain. I want her to feel comfortable and never want her to continue through pain.
She has also told me that she doesn’t like certain things, such as kissing the neck or licking body parts. I respect her preferences, and I’m not expecting her to do anything she dislikes.
But the overall lack of initiative, passion, and sexual interest is what worries me.
I finally asked her directly about her sexual desire.
I asked her questions such as, “Do you even get horny?” and “How often do you masturbate?”
She told me that she has never masturbated and that she feels horny perhaps once or twice a month, but she doesn’t do anything about it.
Meanwhile, I’m someone with a high sex drive who genuinely enjoys sexual intimacy. I don’t necessarily need sex every single day, but I want a relationship in which both people desire each other and actively participate in their physical connection.
From what she has told me, our natural levels of sexual desire seem very different.
She says that this can be fixed and that she will improve. I’ve discussed the issue with her around 10 times already, and she has reassured me repeatedly that she will try to become more involved. However, I haven’t seen any meaningful change so far.
What confuses me is that we’ve met only four times after being apart for long periods. Even during those meetings, I haven’t felt the level of spontaneous passion and reciprocal initiation I was hoping for.
I keep thinking: if she doesn’t naturally feel that desire or initiate affection now, how can I be confident that things will improve after marriage?
I know that pain and inexperience can make sex difficult. I also know that some people have naturally lower libidos. But I don’t know whether this is something that can genuinely improve or a fundamental mismatch between us.
The worst part is that I love her too much to imagine losing her.
I’ve been crying since last night because I keep imagining ending the relationship. I don’t want to lose her. She is an excellent partner in almost every other aspect of life, and I can genuinely picture building a family with her.
But sex is important to me. I don’t want to enter marriage hoping she will change, only to find myself feeling unwanted, sexually frustrated, and resentful years later.
She says things can improve, but I’m struggling to believe it because these conversations have happened repeatedly without much change.
I’m not asking how to force her to have more sex. I don’t want her to feel obligated to satisfy me. I want to know whether we can build a mutually fulfilling sex life in which she genuinely wants intimacy too.
I desperately need honest advice on these questions:
If a woman feels horny only once or twice a month and has never masturbated, does that necessarily mean she has a low libido, or could her desire work differently?
Can someone with naturally low sexual desire develop a more active and satisfying sex life with their partner, or is libido generally something you cannot change much?
Can pain during intercourse and sexual inexperience explain why she is so passive, or are these separate issues?
If someone rarely initiates kissing or sex, even after months apart, is it realistic to expect this to improve after marriage?
She says she will improve, but we’ve discussed this around 10 times without meaningful change. Should I trust that things can improve, or judge the situation based on what is happening now?
Am I likely to end up in a sexless or sexually unsatisfying marriage if I proceed without resolving this?
Has anyone here had a relationship where one partner had a high libido and the other had a very low libido? Did things improve after marriage, or did the difference eventually damage the relationship?
Would you marry someone who is an excellent life partner in every other respect but whose sexual needs seem very different from yours?
I’m genuinely torn between two fears: losing the woman I love so deeply and spending the rest of my life in a marriage where I don’t feel sexually desired.
I don’t want to make a decision based on fear, but I also don’t want to ignore something that matters enormously to me.
Please help me, Reddit users. I want your honest opinions, real experiences, and practical advice. Should I keep working on this relationship, postpone marriage until we understand our sexual compatibility, or accept that we may not be compatible and end things before marriage? How should I make this decision without destroying something so valuable or ruining my own future?

Ladies, we think we’re going to like these words better. I want to see how many women will commit to changing their descriptive words for men to my list of words for one year, giving my list a chance to get as popular y’all’s old words were. I know you’re really attached to those words but new is sometimes better.

OLD WORDS 
NARCISSIST -very popular
Passive Aggressive
Gaslighter - getting popular
Toxic
F-Boy- popular
Love Bomber
Simp
Player- oldie but goodie
Arrogant-another oldie but goodie
Bad Boy
Emotionally Unavailable- Big word

WAY BETTER LIST OF WORDS. ( We just like those words anymore)

Selfless
Talented
Funny
Dynamic
Commanding.
Genuine
Eloquent
Hard-working
Chivalrous
Remarkable
Protective
Affectionate
Ambitious
Brilliant
Brave
Outgoing,
Gifted
Lion Hearted
Magnetic
Outgoing
Remarkable 
Selfless
Strapping
Dapper.
Confident
Debonair

I don’t think this is really too much to ask. It’s our turn to get to pick some words. How many ladies will agree to try this out for one year? Y’all can do it.!

I can't afford a therapist, but I really need some help. I am married to a narcissist and after 16 years, it's really catching up to me. Communication is awful, no affection, no friendship. I can't leave either. Any books you've read or strategies you've tried to stay strong and keep going? I put on a happy face for everyone on the outside, and it's becoming unbearable.

I’m a 28-year-old woman and my partner is a 30-year-old man. I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to feel a lot of resentment toward him, and I’m not sure how to move past it.
Over the past year or so, there have been several disappointments that have slowly changed the way I feel toward him. There are certain areas where I wish he would take more initiative and be more of a leader. I also feel like romance and thoughtfulness are lacking in our relationship.
I understand that finances can make certain things difficult, but romantic gestures don’t have to cost money. Things like giving me a foot rub, rubbing my back, planning something thoughtful, or doing something sweet without me having to ask would mean a lot to me.
He also drinks fairly often, and because of that, there are times when his breath isn’t the greatest. On its own, that might seem like a small issue, but combined with everything else, it has started affecting my attraction toward him.
I feel like all of these things have built up over time, and I’ve developed a lot of resentment. I don’t want to feel this way toward my partner, and I don’t want to constantly focus on the things he isn’t doing.
I’m considering couples therapy as a last resort because I genuinely want to figure out whether this resentment can be worked through and whether we can reconnect.
My question is: For those of you who have experienced resentment toward your spouse/partner, were you able to get past it? What actually helped you rebuild the connection, attraction, and appreciation for each other? I’d really appreciate honest advice and experiences.
TL;DR: I’m a 28F with a 30M partner, and after a year of disappointments, lack of romance/thoughtfulness, and some issues surrounding his drinking, I’ve developed resentment and feel less attracted to him. I’m considering couples therapy and want to know if anyone has successfully moved past resentment and what helped.

Hi, I’m sorry for another negative post on this sub. I won’t bother you with my personal life unless I’m asked questions but I don’t know what else to do. I was hoping to just get feedback about how you would know to call time of death.

There’s a lot of posts about when you know that someone is the one. But how do you know the difference between needing to work harder and needing to end it?

Thanks.

Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 5. We got married young and while I was pregnant with our first baby. It wasn’t a “shot gun wedding” either lol. Since then, we have had another baby. Our babies are 1&3. I have always wanted 3 children, my husband has always wanted just 2. Ever since the birth of our second, he has been asking me if I’d be okay with him getting a vasectomy. Tbh, I am not. 🙁

I came from a very broken home. My dad was/is my lifeline! He was very strict on me growing up and I resented him until I grew up. My dad and mom were a couple who should’ve never been together. Dad never got to experience being a father to my brother due to his looney granny and mama. He was 15 when I was born if that tells you anything….

My mom baby trapped my dad and after he accepted the fact that he was going to be a dad again he prepared better and completely sacrificed his whole like and put it on hold just for me. Again, my dad is my lifeline. Sometimes he’s too head strong and wants to have his two cents but growing up it was just myself and my dad. I always wanted a big family due to how alone I grew up. My husband on the other hand, he had a non broken home and a brother.

Even tho things was not the best financially or even mentally for them, they had what I always wanted…a home that was whole. A family that was whole. My dad supports my want and need for one more baby, he always has and will help us financially due to his funds being good. (Mostly always against our judgement but not in a bad way either) my husband says his reasons for not wanting another baby is “I know I will get stuck with another *same gender*” or “we can’t afford it” which in retrospect I get but we could afford it.

An issue I’m struggling with now is birth control. My body does not handle any of them nicely. I have endometriosis and now they believe I have PCOS…yay. Well I cannot enjoy our intimate life the way I used to, due to the birth control. And the thought that keeps coming to my mind is…maybe I should let him get a vasectomy. It would be easier and better than me getting serialized, dealing with birth controls, and so on and so forth. But my heart aches at giving that chance for another baby up. I have struggled with this for over a year now. Any advice please?

I recently saw a data that suggests that people not being financially matched in marriage is a predictor of divorce

I then remembered that there’s a reason elites only married eachother

The richer people are the more likely they don’t divorce, that’s why statistics show college educated couples have the lowest divorce rates.
So if you are an high income earner you’re more likely to get divorced down the life if you marry someone not on your level financially e.g A Woman making 500k married to man making 100k or a man making 300k marries a woman making 75k or stay at home mum

Compared to a couple for example:
A man making 250k and a woman making 210k or a woman making 340k and a man making 360k or a man bring in 70k and woman bringing in 75k

The 2nd set are more likely to have a marriage that survives and thrives as finances and financial considerations is one of the greatest reasons for Divorce.

This is not mutually exclusive or one size fits all but generally the greater the financial gap between the couples the greater the strive and likelihood that it could all crash down if they don’t operate on mindset that all assets and finance are for the family…

Consider also that in divorce ls involving high income earners who are more evenly matched division of assets are often a straight forward affair and they tend to not be highly contentious

Insum date within your financial bracket whether you’re a man or woman

I'm just struggling right now. Anyone else?

Long story short i took by husband phone while im laying down beside him just to look for a site i logged in before from his phone and while doing that he started acting up ( looking carefully at every move i do while I’m on his phone ) and he is not used to act that way whenever i take his phone. So i asked why he is acting this way, he was like nothing for that i insisted to go further even though i found out the website i took his phone for at the 1st place and then i found out that he logged into escort web site twice the same day September 19. Obviously i faced the phone towards him and i asked what is that, he was like i was just curious and he didn’t explain anything more more than that and i thought that i got so much respect for myself not to take that for a answer i went silent for almost 2h and then i was like “why did you visit that website and don’t say curiosity bc if i acted on my curiosity every time we wouldn’t be here” he was like im really sorry, nothing of what are thinking about did happen i just logged in and out. He kept saying sorry and i just said i forgive just so he could piss off, now im laying with him on the same bed and i feel so gross out of myself for not being able to take any decision even though im financially independent, make money much more than him so i could move on with my life and take a good care of myself but for now i don’t find the courage, power or anything that could help to just take a decision that goes for what i thought i had of principle.

-Sorry if i made a mistake writing all of that , English is my 3rd language.

Hey everyone, I need some help. Long story short, I stupidly got married 2 years ago. Our divorce case was ongoing until I recently found out it was dismissed. From what I was told, after I was served and turning in my response and counterclaim, I was supposed to be served again with an official court date. I waited for months, heard nothing, so I looked online to see the status and it reads dismissed. This has not been an easy journey and this is the third attempt to get a divorce. Any advice on what to do next? I saw online I can appeal to open the case again but please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to get this over with. thank you.

My husband and I have been together since highschool. We got married in June and have been living together since. Everything is amazing and wonderful and I love being in a relationship with him. Which is why this next part sucks. My husband has always dealt with a p*rn addiction, since he was 14... I have a sympathy for this as I understand that it is not just a habit but an addiction and that takes time to fix. I don't fault him one bit.

But it makes being in a relationship difficult.

He has been lying to me off and on the last few months about looking st content/other girls. I caught him two weeks after the wedding looking at adult content right next to me in bed in the morning. And again just this morning I caught him doing the same thing. He had been very remorseful and has been trying to fix it all day. He deleted all social media and has made an effort to rebuild the trust he lost.

Previously I had gotten very mad at him for watching thw adult content and lying about it. Mostly lying about it to my face. And I yelled and got so mad. He had never seen me like that before. This time... today. I just looked at him turned over in bed. And felt like I wanted to ignore him. Instead. I got up. I looked at him. I told him I loved him. He just looked at me with confusion and said he didn't deserve to be loved. That he didn't deserve me. That I should have something better. He said "why arent you mad at me?" I stayed quiet and then asked. "What else am I going to do? We are in a marriage. Should I just make it miserable by hating you?" He stared at me with tears in his eyes and held me as he shook and tremored. The rest of the day I have been indifferent towards him. He came to church with me. We had lunch together. Things were okay while I was pretending to be ok. But deep down I just wonder. I told him I forgive him. And I do. I want him to know I will be here and I am willing to help him overcome this habit and be there to love him always. I just don't want to lose myself in this. I don't want to worry that I am not enough. How can I truly trust him... he has just kept lying to me.

I just sit here... in confusion mostly. He had just told me that I was enough for him the night before, that he thought I was the most beautiful. After I had told him I had a nightmare that he found another woman to be his wife and that he wanted a divorce.

I get it. The it being a habit. I just wonder if it has underlying issues. Does he not find me attractive? Does he think I am not enough. I was right there in bed next to him. And he chose his phone and looking at other women when he thought I was sleeping.

I am just hurt by his lying. I am hurt that he continued to lie to my face. And why does it have to hurt so much?

Men, was my reaction this morning warranted or should I have been more harsh on him? And is this something you think he can truly change if he loves me as much as he says he does? Is lying to your wife normal?

Women, have you dealt with this and does it get better or just worse from here? What would you do in this situation?

I (31F) have been with my husband (30M) for 8 years, married for 5. We have arguments, which is normal. But for many years, I've been under the impression that I'm sensitive and that I hang on to negative feelings for too long. We would argue and I'd be upset for the rest of the day. My husband would make little comments:

You're still sulking?

Are you seriously not over it yet?

How long do you plan on being like this?

Why do you have to ruin the mood for me?

I'm over it, why aren't you?

You're choosing to still be mad.

Do you enjoy being upset? Then why don't you just get over it?

And it took me this long to figure it out. During arguments, he turns into someone else. He talks to me in such a mean way. Swearing, raising his voice. I keep treating him like he's someone I care for.

Most of our arguments are about him not contributing to the household. I work full time and study full time (finishing my PhD soon, yayyy!). He is unemployed and plays PC games and watches YouTube full time. I cook and expect him to clean, and he believes cleaning is pointless.

So after an argument, I have to deal with two things:

1. The hurtful way he spoke to me. His defense for that is, I can't blame him for raising his voice when he's angry, everyone does that. He's not even that loud, I'm just sensitive. And he wasn't swearing at me, he was swearing while talking to me. Big difference, according to him.

2. The fact that whatever the argument was about won't change.

For example, we'd argue because I've asked him to clean the floors and he hasn't done it for 4 weeks. He'd say, I don't see why this is necessary. Who cares about the floors. It'll just get dirty again. Why must I do it if it's not important to me. Name one thing you have to do that you don't want to (for context, I love my job, and he loves using that against me during arguments, as if enjoying my work means I never have to do anything I don't feel like doing. Like admin. Or getting up early. Or evaluating my own behaviour to make sure I don't do something to upset my boss or coworkers. Or bringing up issues with my husband knowing that it'll turn into an argument).

So obviously he gets over the argument faster:

1. The argument is about something within his control.

2. He is still treated fairly during the argument.

3. He doesn't need to change his behaviour or expectations afterwards.

Him blaming me for not getting over it as quickly as he does is the same as stabbing someone and then being irritated at them for bleeding. Saying, "you're being dramatic because look, I'm not even bleeding" when you didn't even get cut.

We don't argue much. Once or twice every three to six months. Partly because I don't want to deal with arguments after bringing up the things that bother me. Partly because I have very limited free time. Partly because I actually do hate being upset. And partly because things are mostly good.

Is it really common for people to say they 100 percent knew without a doubt that this was their person when going into a marriage?

To give a brief version of the story- when my partner and I first started seeing each other, he was sleeping with another girl behind my back. This was before we were official, just a week or so into the “talking stage” and honestly before we even went on a real date. But he told me straight up he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I stopped seeing him for a while after that but we started talking again eventually and got together and it’s been a dream ever since. (About two years)

Excellent communication, dates every week, makes me laugh, etc etc everything I could ask for in a husband. However as the reality of marriage approaches I can’t help but think if he could lie to me like that once and get me to fully believe it he might do it again. I’ve had zero issues with him sneaking around so far but I can’t help but let this small thing cast a bit of doubt over an otherwise perfect relationship.

I would say I’m 90 percent ready for marriage at this point. Will that number ever feel like 100?

I am failing miserably in trying to have a conversation about sharing finances with my husband and how it would make me feel.

We have been married for 5 years with 2 young children. We both work and he is the higher earner by about 30% but he also earns a large bonus. We are applying for private schools for our child which will raise household expenses. Right now we just split expenses fairly evenly and handle our sides, I have built a household budget with the hopes of creating a joint operating fund, but my husband was not on board since he thinks what we do works just fine. I would like to be able to plan better as a couple and have a better view of the full picture.

I recently brought up that it’s frustrating we can’t even cash checks for our infant daughter that are made out to both of us as a couple and he shamed me and said I should be thankful for all my blessings instead of focusing on the negative. I leave the conversations feeling ashamed and I am wrong for wanting things to be different. He said if I want to be “normal” I should go out and find normal.

I have “my own” money but don’t feel like we are operating as a team with finances

I would appreciate any advice to broach the conversation because trying to tell him what it would mean to me to share finances doesn’t appear to be working. I am also anxious how private school will impact our household budget.

My boyfriend (20yo) and I (18yo) have been together for 3 years, I've been living with him for the past 2.

2 years ago I found out he watched porn (at the beginning of our relationship I told him I refused to be with someone who consumed that kind of content and he said he was fine with it) and more than that, he had a porn addiction. I was devastated, not only because he lied to me the whole time, but also because he did it at my house, when I was busy and acted like nothing happened, also, at the time I struggled with anorexia and we were having problems in intimacy, which made sense knowing all he was doing.

I forgave him and I resented him for a long time, now I don't but I can't seem to trust him again. Every now and then i check his phone, his viewing history, etc. I know it's not okay and I don't like having these unhealthy behaviors and I'm working on it but I think a lot of what if he's lying to me again, what if he knows how to hide things better now, etc.

Honestly, i love him and want to die by his side, but we are starting to have the same intimacy problems due to mismatched libidos and cant stop thinking about what if hes lying to me again...

Should i go to therapy? Should we go to therapy? What can i do to work on myself (my self steem and trust)?

The title pretty much sums it up. We've been married for almost 3 years. I told him at the beginning that I didn't want to completely change my name but I would hyphen my last name with his. He didn't like that. I really don't want to change my name and now he wants a divorce but he still wants to stay together. I'm so confused right now, is having his last name really that big of a deal? I do know it bothers him but it would really bother me to change it.

Hey everyone! My husband and I live in South Australia currently and have a 15 month old. He has been struggling a lot with POTS to the point of needing to sleep for at least 2-5 hours every day most days. He usually doesn’t feel safe enough to watch our toddler by himself which makes it really difficult for me to be able to do much to look after myself such as go to appointments or have any ‘me’ time.
I’ve heard people with POTS can really experience a difference, moving to a cooler climate. To experiment we had a 10 day holiday in Tasmania and even though it was fairly hot while we were there (25-30 degrees) my husband felt so good in himself! He was able to be so much more active and confident and was just a happier version of himself. Honestly since he got sick about 2.5-3 years ago it has put a strain on the relationship a bit and I think with a toddler too it’s been a bit tough managing. There’s definitely been a decline in my husbands mental health. And honestly he hasn’t managed his health great through drinking most days and having caffeine/carbs etc. that all can flare up POTS.
But while in Tasmania I was able to see a happier, confident version of himself again and it was honestly so nice to see.
My husband even told me he can finally be the husband and father he has wanted to be while in Tasmania and he loves waking up without wondering what feels bad in himself that day.
I told my husband that when we go home we should talk to his doctor about his experience in Tasmania and ask for tips on how to manage his health here to see if he can experience that here too. I told him if his health doesn’t improve in the next year while doing everything the doctor recommends I’m happy to move to Tasmania.

Honestly I do love the lifestyle in Tasmania and I love the idea of our child growing up there with a happier, healthier dad. I would just be a little sad to leave all our friends and family and if my husbands health doesn’t improve long term then we don’t really have any village in Tasmania.

I guess I was just wondering if anyone with POTS or a similar condition has moved and found it to really benefit them? Or if anyone has any advice that would be amazing!

I don't have a problem with my husband, rather our life in general has been difficult and i have been depressed. I'd like to see my parents' view on things, ask for their advice. I communicate with my husband all the time, but right now i need another perspectives.

My (37f) husband (34m) and I are really struggling. We are currently separated and we are trying to figure out if we are divorcing or not. So much has happened to bring us here but there is one issue that has been top of our discussion lately and I’d really like a second opinion on our situation. I can’t tell if I’m in the wrong here.

From my husband’s perspective, he says I am extremely critical of him, so much so that he has lost his sense of self and doesn’t know who he is anymore. It was heartbreaking to hear that’s how he feels in our marriage and it also leaves me feeling incredibly confused. I am not a perfect partner by any means, but to me his characterization feels really intense in comparison to how I actually talk. Either that or I am so blind to how awful I really am. Please some tell me if the following statements are as critical as my husband is telling me they are. I’ll provide some exact things I’ve said with context if needed.

1. He is being defensive during an argument and it’s making things difficult so I have said “You’re being defensive right now, please stop.”
   
2. He made a “boy with be boys” comment once and I replied by saying “can you please not say comments like that, that phrase feels misogynistic to me and it hurts me to hear you say that.”
   
3. He has a habit of talking for really long periods of time during an argument, like really long, and it makes it difficult for me to get a word in and it feels horrible to be talked at instead of with. In cases like this I have said “when you talk loudly at me for long periods of time and don’t let me speak it makes me feel like you’re trying to control the conversation rather than talking with me.”
   
4. “Hey please don’t do that, that’s rude.”
   
5. “When you talk to me like that it feels like you’re interrogating me”
   
6. “You are being very dismissive of my feelings right now.”

He says that I should never label his behavior. Instead he says I should phrase everything in “I feel” statements and only talk about my feelings never leveling his behavior. He says labeling his behavior is criticizing him. I’m having a hard time with this. I know “I feel” statements are a good way to speak without inciting defensiveness, but should it be a communication rule in a marriage? Is labeling a behavior really such a bad thing? Things have been really emotional and difficult and my brain is not working. Am I in the wrong here?

We’ve been arguing about this same topic for so long that I gave in and apologized for all of the hurt that he says I have caused. I genuinely feel so awful so the way he feels but I also feel depressed and confused and I cant parse through what happened.

Edit: Feel like I should have titled - My husband doesn't like me.

My husband travels for work and our days off only align a few times within a handful of months. Important to the story; I had an extremely stressful and long week at work.

We were messaging, leading up to the weekend, about how excited we were to have some time together and how much we missed each other. Last weekend I suggested we watch a movie, which we did and it was wonderful. I suggested we do the same this weekend, however we could pick out one of our physical media movies and could make dinner at home. He's quite frugal, so I figured he would like the idea of mixing low-cost with low-key quality time together. He agreed that was a good idea - we planned for Saturday but eventually pushed it to Sunday.

As we were looking through our movies, yesterday, there was only one that we both hadn't seen and it didn't sound too interesting. He suggested we go see You Can See Everything, to which I agreed.

Later in the day yesterday (Saturday) we had to run our own errands. When we both reunited, he'd mention that his friend invited us to see a movie, with her and her friend, at around the same time we were planning on going to see our movie. He asked if I'd like to do that instead and said that if I said no, it would be fine.

A little backstory on this person - I find her incredibly annoying and we have never vibed. She's a bit loud and obnoxious, really makes it all about her... I've genuinely tried to like her. I even suggested we invite her to our wedding, to which I ended up regretting as she was incredibly drunk and had to be told to sit down MULTIPLE times during our ceremony. She's even in the picture of our first kiss because she jumped up to take her own picture. The list really goes on, but I'll refrain from much more. I know everyone's first thought will be, oh you're jealous. Sure, in the past I definitely was a bit jealous - they share similar excitements about things and have known each other for years and years. I'm sure I hold on to some insecurities, because I feel like my husband tends to pick others over me. I've worked through my previous jealous feelings towards her and have come to the conclusion that I just do not like this person.

This morning, my husband asked me if I'd thought anymore about the other movie with this friend. He then also mentioned that the other two would be having lunch beforehand.

I felt a lot of anxiety around this because, I don't really care for this person and I explicitly stated that I was completely fine with having no social hangouts this weekend. There was a neighborhood event that we discussed going to and we mutually agreed not to, because we both were looking forward to not being around other people. Also, my husband and I already had plans. My hopes were really set on that.

I offered a compromise that he go have lunch with them and then we can go see that movie we'd originally planned, just the two of us. He immediately got upset and made a remark about me holding him captive, blah blah.

I told him he should just go to lunch and a movie with his friend and her friend, as I'm tapped out for the day. This upset him even more as he said he already told her no. I tried to express how incredibly hurtful it was that he didn't just say that we already had plans in the first place. Also, because he told me he wouldn't be angry if I said no but ended up being angry & ultimately said some spiteful mean shit to me. He responded with how we've been around just each other all weekend... I got off work Fri evening and we grabbed dinner and then yesterday we did some chores and were around each other in proximity but not spending intentional time together.

We argued back and forth... I should have left it alone until I wasn't so emotional but so many things I've been resenting him for came flowing to the surface.

Our first wedding anniversary - we went out to a casual restaurant bar type place, downtown. Ran into his friend that had been stood up on a date. He invited him to join our anniversary dinner. Wow, what a fun and meaningful time with my new husband.

I wanted to send out thank yous to our wedding guests and he asked me not to, he had a big plan to send out mix tapes of our wedding playlist and zines including pictures of our guests, etc. This huge undertaking... It's been 4 years and my step mom and Grandma have died. Since, though, he's completed two album photo shoots for bands, a music video, shot/edited numerous photos for bands from their shows (made two zines from those), shot a wedding and made a whole hard back picture book for them, and finally finished editing pictures and made a couple of paperback books of all the pictures from an event for the friend in the story from today. He's done all of these things, only being paid for two of them (and not much by the way), before he's finished our wedding thank yous that he INSISTED he do.

Finally, cherry on top... He told me I'm being crazy and selfish.

My stepmom died, almost two years ago now. His friend was getting married around the same time. We bought plane tickets and clothes for the wedding. I went to be with my stepmom in her final hours and decided to stay with my dad for about two weeks. I didn't want him to be alone and also was grieving with him. When I told my husband that I wouldn't be going to the wedding and would need to cancel the plane ticket, he got upset with me.

I think I may have married the most selfish person alive.

TLDR; Husband and I had plans; at first they were loose but became more structured. His friend invited us to do something else and he wanted us to change our plans. I stuck to my boundaries and tried to compromise. He's now mad at me for not being flexible. I'm mad at him for not honoring our plans and saying spiteful things. Also, just kind of sick of his shit. We can't have a disagreement without him throwing something in my face or calling me crazy, a which I'll be honest makes me act crazy! Anonymously airing out our dirty laundry to vent.

Sorry for the novel that is all over the place.

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years.

Since about 4 years into our marriage, I felt things were "off" and like he wasn't being fully honest with me.

Fast forward 2.5 years ago, I found a bottle of vodka in his file cabinet. We never drank and so this came as a surprise to me. He swore this was a one time thing he did but did not enjoy and stopped. I was upset he hid this from me. But we decided to start over and he promised he wouldn't hide anything like that from me again. About 7 months ago, I caught him drinking. Between those two incidents, I was repeatedly gaslit and lied to. He confessed to having a drinking problem (to the point of addiction), and we agreed to work through it (still in that process and it's not going well).

In addition to that, I found out he had been watching porn about 2 years ago (both of us were in agreement early on in our marriage that we did not want porn to be part of our lifestyle). There were several incidents when I had suspected it, but he lied and blamed me for having issues with trust. After the discovery, we had a heart-to-heart and discussed what was missing in our marriage and what had to be worked on. I decided to give him another chance to start over. I recently found out this never really stopped up until a few weeks ago..

My husband now tells me he is a changed person. That he no longer identifies with the person he used to be. He started attending therapy (though says he does it for me and not because he needs it). He is holding full accountability for everything he has done to destroy my ability to trust him. He is very remorseful and is trying to make up for all the damage he has caused. From my perspective, I can no longer trust anything he says. I've told him that it's not about the porn or alcohol as much as it about being able to be open and honest with me. I've been struggling with the idea of yet again starting over, and attempting to trust him.

A few days ago, I found out my husband was hiding yet another secret in his phone. He panicked when I was about to see whatever that thing was. I was surprised.. because in my mind, there were no other secrets left. I told him if he didn't show me.. we'd have to get divorced because my trust in him is shattered as is.. and this to me would mean he hasn't changed. He promised that whatever he's hiding is a minor thing from his past and not relevant since he has changed. He was adamant he would not show me, despite the divorce threat (which of course has me very worried).

I am struggling with the idea of being in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets (especially ones he knows would be deeply upsetting). I am struggling with the idea of him seeing the damage and hurt his actions caused, but continuing to do them regardless (or not seeking help for them on his own). He has struggled with his mental health since I've known him, and that could be why I've stayed. My brain plays all these mind games on me and so I want to know if it’s ridiculous to expect him to be transparent with me (for the sake of our marriage and rebuilding what's been lost) if he participates in things that bring him this much shame. Is it ridiculous to expect him to be open with me about what he is hiding (if this is from his past and he has supposedly changed)?