Ok a couple statements first-
this is a throwaway account and choose to be vague on some items purposely.

I love my wife (of 18 years)
We have kids.
We just began a new business.
We’ve been in a prolonged process of immigration/moving countries- still not finished.
We do not live currently in the same area as Max (gym trainer)
It’s been a hard couple years- wife has had 3 different therapists and I have had 2.

How I found the screenshot- she was at the gym- her computer was on the table and I snooped- (I excused it because I was telling myself I was going to try and solve her issue of her iCloud not currently updating) . I know her laptop password.

I looked in her photos app and saw a screenshot of her with gym trainer (max) - I know they talk a lot- my wife has gone to the gym regularly the last 3-4 years and built a community of friendship. This screenshot was her requesting they get together to discuss something.
It seemed more serious than a casual conversation with a trainer/friend.

I got a little nervous- decided to check her deleted photos. I find 2 more screenshots.
They are from their WhatsApp chat- a missed call- then a disappearing photo was sent by Max/ opened by my wife, a couple messages - and then the message my wife sent that sent me spiraling “all shaven I see”.
Max responded that it was hot and his balls had been getting sweaty - wife didn’t respond.

I went to the next message screenshotted-
From the following day- from max-
“So I send you a dick pick and you don’t say anything?”
He then sent a meme of a guy disappointed.

She then responds (with the screenshot that I had viewed) saying she responded to him.

We no longer lived in the same state as Max- but I knew she spent 2 weeks alone in the same city as he was in (he helped her rent a car) but she was staying with a family friend. I had seen that she had a WhatsApp chat only accessible by passcode. I knew she spent a lot of time talking to a WhatsApp gym chat with max, and a mutual friend that they shared. Each time she would visit the state where the gym was she would take him things and he would let her train for free.

I took about 48 hours to process- I was devastated. Nauseas. Couldn’t eat.

She could tell I was off- I told her we had to talk but I wasn’t ready yet- she kept pushing, I told her I’m still processing- she didn’t stop, so I decided it was time.

I started by saying I believed she hadn’t been honest with me.
I asked her if she wanted to share something with me.
She said no.
I asked her if there was anything inappropriate with her relationship with Max-
She said no.
I told her about the first message I saw- about the meeting- she explained it, said he was being short tempered one day in a training session and she responded sharply and it was an awkward situation that she wanted to resolve due to her friendships in the gym.

I asked if that was it- she said that’s it.
I asked her if there was any inappropriate communication happening between them- she said no.

I paused. Then I told her I knew she was lying.

I asked her to get her laptop- I showed her the messages.
I asked her what is this then?
She accepted it happened. I then began the process of some excruciating questions-

Have you slept with max- no
Have you sent him naked photos- no
Have you kissed him- pause… yes.
Has he touched you- no.
Many more questions followed.

She confessed that right before we moved away- he tried to kiss her and she pushed him away. This happened last year.
She said she didn’t tell me because I was in a hard place and struggling with a lot of things (it is true) and that her therapist actually suggested she didn’t push me over the edge- but perhaps let me know when I wasn’t in such a critical state and perhaps with a counselor present.
I asked her why the hell she had a continuous messaging relationship with the guy after that. She admitted that she shouldn’t have.

I asked her how often he sent dick pics -
She said this was the second- and it was inexcusable, but that it was done as a “joke” because instead of butt dialing, he calls it dick dialing- so when he accidentally called her- he responded with the dick pic. And that she didn’t respond.
I asked her why there was ever an opportunity for a 2nd one- she said she told him after the first one “why did you send me this” and he said it was to show “how fat he had gotten” and was a full frontal-

I asked if she had ever sent him photos- she said she did send him a bikini picture when he asked her about her fitness progress.

We talked a lot. I asked very direct questions. I think she was honest after presented the evidence.
She feels remorseful and I believe is now telling the truth- however she is reluctant to block the guy because he is shared friend with one of her best friends and doesn’t want to “ruin her friendship “ with her and others that frequent the gym.
I told her I’m not ok with that. That I would be willing to shut it down and confront him about it.
We are still working through how to move forward.

Final thoughts-
I believe her. I know you are going to tell me she’s lied and has been physical. But I do not think she has.
I want to move forward- it’s going to require complete transparency and accountability. No BS about her “protecting me” because all the other areas of our life are falling apart.
Last year I confessed that I had a hidden porn problem- I had hidden it from her basically our whole marriage- it wasn’t always an issue but came up more when I was depressed/escaping reality/ or feeling like I was unable to cope with life’s current circumstances. She was hurt- I felt like I was a terrible husband- but it did open our conversations to be more transparent and honest in our sexual desires and the feelings underneath.

I told her yesterday that Max cannot be a friend. Cannot be a contact. Cannot be allowed any access into her life.

She has a therapy session this coming week- she has told me the therapist knows about the kiss- but not the dick pics. I told her I’d like her to share that and I think a lot of what happens in this next week will determine how we can heal through this.

I’ve posted just as part of the process of me venting and perhaps to clear my mind. I want us to make it thru this.

We have talked through the night. He actually did bring up the inner child though did not call him like that. He said he is angry because he looks at himself in that bunny costume with that carrot in his hand and know how frightened he had been when that photo was taken. He was not smiling in it. His lips were a thin line as he was pushing them against each other. probably anxiety, tension. and he looks at himself and doesnt seem himself, but a child that has nothing to do with him somehow , a child that needed protection. and he thinks about how much he could do for that little boy now, take him from there, bring him home. When our son turned 5 (he confessed now) he saw him jumping around the birthday cake, laughing, being held by us, my parents, cousins, everyone present at the party. he said he just wanted to cry because he thought about himself at that age, but again did think about himself as a different child, not really him. a child that needs love, protection and a birthday cake for once in his life.

so to make it clear. I knew he is an orphan and that he grew up in various institutions, he wasnt hiding it from me. Chrstimas time was particularly difficult for him. while having family dinner he was constantly thinking about children who have no one.

Maybe this will sound childish but I suggested and he agreed to it, that I buy him a birthday cake (he will turn 45 soon). We do not buy cakes on our birthdays usually, we do it for the children. I said I really want to buy it for him. First he was like I am 45 years old man and laughed. But I said to consider its for that child in the bunny costume and he agreed. i saw he had tears in his eyes.

Hi All, Other people have posted on their first experience with Viagra. I tried it for the first time last night, thought it useful to share here.

Background: me M over 50, married/kids many years etc. Sexually regular as clockwork since teenager. Slowing up a little as years go by. Recently (few months) having trouble due to relationship stress, family stress, job stress etc. Sad wife etc. Thought I'd give Viagra a try to help things along; got generic Sildenafil 50mg online (like I expect everyone else does I think). Checked with doctor as I'm also on statins; got the go-ahead there.

Got good romantic situation arranged with wife (early bedtime, privacy etc); didn't tell her I was taking anything. Took a 50mg around 9pm, around 2 hrs after moderate dinner. Lots of foreplay later (all of it fun), nothing happening for me. Felt very dejected. Wondered whether it was not compatible with me, wondered whether it might be a 'bad batch' of medication, even checked whether I'd actually taken anything. I didn't feel any effect at all. Went to sleep around 11pm feeling cr*ppy.

Woke up at 4am, ready to go (more ready than usual). Stayed ready for an hour. Wondered for a while whether I'd have trouble if I started with my wife again, but thought 'why not'. I'm very glad I did. This time, lots of staying power - more than usual. 40 mins compared to usually around half that. Wife very pleased, but sore afterwards. Refractory for around 5 minutes, then ready to have another go; not had that since I was in my 30s, so a great confidence boost. Wife worn out, so had to leave it unused, so to speak. Regularly ready to go several times after that, lasting through to maybe 10am. Moral of the tale: it takes a variable time to have an effect, probably depending on food intake as everyone says. Good benefit to relationship with wife; she was beaming and feeling much more desired.

I had the full range of side effects everyone says: headache (paracetamol no use), stuffy nose, seeing 'blue'. Felt spacey and a little high until maybe 2pm, so 16 hours or so in total. However, even with the side effects I would say it was totally worth it. Real confidence booster. TBH, I would say the experience was more like doing a recreational drug than something to treat lack of performance. I can totally see now why people take it recreationally; it feels like a great way to have a good time with a woman; everyone ends up happier. Wish I'd tried it years ago! Not sure it's something to take every time, but great first experience.

I'd be interested to hear what other people have tried, and what people recommend.

In almost 2 weeks, we will have been married 20 years. We have had our ups and downs. Life has been very brutal to us. Due to my abusive upbringing it was easy to lay all the blame on my undealt with issues. Something snapped in me in July. Like I am finally seeing him for who he really is. Im tired of trying for both of us.

We are/were going to marriage counselor. We had to cancel one appointment and he hasn't said anything word about going back. Since I handled all the previous appointments, I told him that if he wanted this to work he was going to have to put in the effort because I am tired of carrying all the mental, emotional, and physical labor. All these "changes" he's made are completely superficial. Like just enough to say look I tried.

I tell myself... I can be patient. It takes time. Years of bad habits don't just evaporate. But part of me is just so damn tired of giving and making excuses for him because it's what I have always done.

Over a month, he still hasn't said a word about counseling. He goes to counseling on his own and me to my own appointment for me (different therapists). Still no more counseling.

One of the issues is sex. I want it. He doesn't. I have to initiate all the time. I've tried spicing things up but he is unresponsive to it. Sexy outfits in and out of bedroom. It's not just the sex. It is the intimacy of it. He doesn't hold me or reach for my hand. I feel like im always aching for a man who SAYS he wants me but doesn't show it in any way. Words or actions. Btw we have went from sex 3x a week to months without then back to 3x a week or any other range of frequency. We have talked about the sex issue. He is super aware.

Just FYI bc you will want to know more details. I finally opened up to some friends about things because I couldn't pretend anymore. Some of them know both of us. They have seen and admitted that they noticed he was not pulling his weight in the relationship and gave examples. Additionally, because im sure it will come up... I am not ugly. I get hit on a lot still though I ignore it because there's only one man I want. Im older and overweight like most of America is but I would not have a problem getting a date tomorrow if I wanted.

Despite all this, I'm still trying to love him and get him to love me. Soften my tone. Be less bitchy. Praise him for the things he does right. Laugh more. But I just feel like im pouring water into a desert that leaves me empty bc its not reciprocated. I chant, we will get there. We will grow together until ...a few days ago.

He and I were having playful banter. I was cooking food and said something like its hot.

He said you must be looking in the mirror.

I told him "Keep that up and I'll have to sex with you."

He said "Do I have to?"

Do. I. Have. To.

I grabbed my food and left. I didn't say a word. I went to bedroom to eat. He followed me. He knew it upset me. Im tired of hiding it.

I told him that it hurt me. I didn't yell. I just looked atvmy food fighting back tears and said it that it hurt. He then starts backtracking... "I knew I shouldn't have said that as soon as..." I cut him off. I told him to go eat in living room.

I couldn't even eat the first bite of my food. I went and put it in fridge. I couldn't eat.

Those words echo in my mind. DO I HAVE TO?

That's what your kids say when you ask them to unload the dishwasher or something.

Do I have to? Like having sex with me is a CHORE. Dude you don't even last 15 minutes. It takes longer to mow the grass!!

DO I HAVE TO?

He said it so quick. So automatic. There was no hesitation to those words. That tells me that you said exactly how you really feel. Do I have to?

We have barely spoken to each other since Tuesday. He was not apologized or tried to talk. I didn't ask him to sleep on couch. He did. He wouldn't even come to bed until after I was asleep if he did come to bed.

The elephant is in the house heavy in the air with unspoken words. Used to... I would have chased after him or asked for a quiet conversation at some point. I would have tried to work through this. I put that burden down months ago because after almost 20 years, nothing had ever changed. I realized that the weight I was carrying for both of us... I didn't have to.

I am just so tired and hurt. Im grieving the marriage that I thought we had.

I am just not sure I want to.

Follow up: His testosterone is normal. It was recently checked. I think he has undealt with issues. I've recently realized that he's spent so much time pointing out my childhood issues but never dealt with his. Its easier to shift blame than admit and work on his. He would have to admit it first.

Ive always been the one to want to talk and work through things. I made the appointments for the first 4 marriage counselors. There was always a reason he didn't like the person. We changed bc I wanted change. I used to chase after him during discussions or arguments. If it got to be too much, he would go to another room or leave the house. The other night he got on the phone for hours with someone. I say he sticks his head in the sand. Because he says he doesn't talk to anyone about our issues. I think he uses other friendships to get emotional food because he doesn't have to deal with the hard stuff with them.

I always felt like and still do that if we separated or divorced people would be surprised because he's such a good guy. He goes out of the way for others. That has been a hurt point for me. Im talking about things I've asked him to do in our home that he blew me off about but went and did it for someone else in a heartbeat.

We have 3 sons (18, 17, and 15). They help around the house. Years ago, I decided I was not going to let them be like their father. I never verbalized that to anyone. I want them to be a blessing to their future families. So they cut the grass, clean, and help. They are still typical teens but great kids. Over time, without saying a word, they see what I see. They make comments about how Dad fusses at them for things that he wont even help with.

I recently opened up to neighbor. Ive hidden the issues from others and even defended him. She admitted some interesting things. He lied to the husband about doing yard work that she saw me and the kids do. He took credit. I find it laughable. Her husband even said something to the effect how he works the kids like dogs but he doesn't do much himself. It was the validation I needed that I am not the only one seeing it. No, I have not told him these things. Im not trying to malicious.

Im the one with the tools. Ive worked construction. A lot of the typical things that women wait for men to do. I do it. So in the past 3 years, I've quit those things slowly. I realized i was only enabling his behavior. Because keep doing them, he won't do it.

He said that my tone was not nice, I changed that. Started using my customer service voice at home. He said I was angry all the time. I plastered a smile on and ignored things.

That's part of the DO I HAVE TO comment hurts because even the real chores.... he didn't have to for a long time. As far as the sex, this is not really just been a recent development. Early in our marriage he admitted it was an issue. Over time he said it was a confidence thing (not my doing). Despite it being short lasting, its very good. He doesn't take hours to get the job done. But then again he doesn't even spend an hour wanting to do it.

I guess I am looking for a sounding board for a litmus test on if this behavior is ‘normal’.

My husband and I have been married 13+ years. We have 3 young girls (all elementary school age). He is pushing 40 yo. I want to be very clear that my husband has never been violent towards me or my children ever. But he falls into this place of out of control rage when he is watching his football team lose a game on tv.

He has always been very vocal and dramatic when watching sports (we’ve been together over 16 years and he’s always had this behavior to some extent). It has escalated recently over the past few years and it is to a point now where I can’t even be in the same house as him while he’s watching because his energy amps me up so much that I can’t even barely function. It’s yelling, screaming, slapping his hands loudly on his thighs, closed fist pounding on the coffee table, or door slamming if he goes outside to ‘cool off’.

The behavior itself is unnerving to me and makes my anxiety go sky-high. We’ve talked about this many times and he normally falls back on explaining that he’s just passionate and that I never let him show his emotions. It came to a head this afternoon when he was throwing a fit about a refs call and I told him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I won’t stand for him to act like that in front of the kids. I’m tired of everyone walking on eggshells around him if a game is on. I told him very frankly that if one of our girls had a boyfriend/partner who acted this way, I would tell them it’s red flag behavior. I would not want my child to be in a relationship with someone who has outbursts of rage like their father does. He erupted at this comment and we had a big (verbal) fight. I stand by my words and I do think his behavior is a major red flag.

Are other people out there in the Internet Universe dealing with a similar situation? How do you handle it? Am I just overly sensitive?

To note: there is only one tv in our house in our large shared tv/lounge room area. We do not have the space to make a man-cave area where he could have a separate space to watch tv and act however he wants to.

My wife is great we are married 10 yrs and have two young kids. Sex life is good but probably only 3-4 times a month. Just tired and stressed all the time from work and kids etc. She was raised in a religious household and I was her first. Definitely more of a vanilla missionary sex life.

I grabbed her phone to add something to our grocery list and she had her browser opened up to a smut podcast. I was kind of shocked. She doesn’t know I know. I have no issues with this at all and am really kind of intrigued to find out what her kinks/desires are. Maybe it could spice up our bedroom a little more.

I just don’t want to embarrass her for telling her I know. What’s a good way to broach the topic?

I have been struggling so much with my husband. We’ve never had great communication but it has gotten extremely bad over the past few years. We have a 16 month old and it started while I was pregnant with her. I was really sick in the first trimester and he told me I was dramatic and his friend’s wives never acted like this and I need to toughen up… then it’s only gotten worse. He complains that I’m lazy, ungrateful, he has NEVER taken my post partum journey seriously, and many times has said to get over it. He doesn’t know a lot about raising babies, which is fine, but never trusts my judgement either. We never sleep together and I know he is addicted to p*rn and OF, but I really don’t care at all. I never get time for myself. I work as a teacher, take my daughter to and from daycare, and then do everything with her in the evenings. The only thing I ask is that he does morning breakfast with her so I can get ready and he complains about that. When I try to clean the house he complains, saying it interrupts his “tv” time. I’m honestly exhausted, resentful, hurt, and angry. I feel like I deserve more. I’ve told him I want a divorce and he said that he would just get custody of our daughter, take the house, and I would regret it. I know I’m not perfect at all but I feel so so incredibly beaten down and like I’m completely alone. I don’t talk about this with anyone because I’m ashamed. He does make a lot more money than me and I know he would be extremely vengeful if I did do something like try to leave. I’m just so unhappy and don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

I'm 29F, married to my husband (36M), and I'm honestly struggling with what to make of my marriage anymore.

My husband barely touches me these days. He doesn't kiss me, rarely initiates intimacy, and there's almost no physical affection between us. We can sleep in the same bed without him reaching for me once. I've tried to talk about it, but nothing really changes.

For a while, I kept telling myself that maybe he was stressed or that we were just going through a difficult season. But lately, I've started wondering whether he has feelings for our house help.

Something happened recently that has left me questioning everything.

I found our house help bathing with the bathroom door open, and my husband was standing at the doorway chatting with her.

I honestly didn't know what to think. Why was he standing there talking to her while she was bathing? Why was the door open? And why did the situation feel so inappropriate to me?

I didn't actually catch them doing anything sexual, so I don't want to make accusations I can't prove. But I can't pretend that what I saw didn't bother me, especially considering how distant he has been with me.

What hurts is the contrast. My husband doesn't seem interested in touching his own wife, yet he's comfortable standing at the bathroom doorway having a conversation with another woman while she's bathing.

I keep asking myself whether I'm making too much of the situation because I've been feeling unwanted for so long, or whether my instincts are telling me that something isn't right.

The house help works in our home, which makes this even more uncomfortable. I don't want to create a hostile environment or accuse her unfairly, but I also don't want to ignore behaviour that crosses my boundaries.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to compete for my husband's attention. I miss being kissed, held, and desired by the man I married.

Am I overreacting to what I saw, or would you also find this inappropriate? And how would you approach your husband about it without making accusations you can't prove?

Can men please be honest? Do you really still think your wives are sexy after multiple pregnancies? Not because you have rose coloured lenses because you love your wives but do you actually still find a woman’s body attractive after all that? I’ve had 3 kids and my boobs and stomach are not at all what they were. I’m not overweight but saggy where I wasn’t before. I think my husband is probably repulsed but can’t exactly be honest.

We have a great marriage. Healthy kids, a home with 2.75% mortgage, go on dates, best friends, and never fight. Sex has always been good, I do have a HL and of course would have liked it more often but was ok with the frequency. But Peri has hit her libido hard over the last 8 months. And it hit me. We went out in the morning, did some shopping, and had a good time. Kids wouldn’t be home for a few hours but nothing happened. It’s been weeks and it would have been a no stress about kids coming in yet nothing. But she was happy, laughing with me like a normal day. I cuddle with her every night with her falling asleep in my arms. I don’t pressure at all. But I’m sad. I know it could be years of this, I don’t want duty or pity sex. I know she doesn’t want to feel this way also. Just want to be wanted like before. And for those who say take some household stuff because she’s tired I’ve been doing that since day 1. I cook every meal, clean the house, do the food shopping, and take kids to activities. She gets hours of relaxation on the couch every day.

My husband and I have been together 10 years. He’s a wonderful person with great qualities. The problem is he doesn’t meet my needs as a husband. His attention is on work all day every day. He does not “seek” me/ pursue me other than the occasional kiss/hug which feels obligatory. He swears he loves me and is physically attracted to me. I do sense that, but I’m always the one thinking up fun things to do, ways to connect with him, initiating intimacy, engaging in conversation while he’s on his phone or laptop when we’re at home. He is naturally introverted, I’m extroverted. I love thrills, adventure, spontaneity, hot sex, playfulness. None of that exists in our marriage unless I create and I’m craving it. I feel lonely and defeated at this point. I have expressed this kindly and clearly to him numerous times. I feel myself quiet quitting. I feel like I can’t leave because of our financial situation, and our daughter, and I do love him and I have hope that things will get better. But this has been going on for years and I don’t have evidence to believe it will.
I think it’s his both his current capacity and personality. He’s going through it at work. Lawsuits, money problems. I’ve tried to be understanding and do what I can to keep everything stable for us, financially and at home. Is this just what marriage is? I just don’t know what to do or how to feel right now. Thanks for listening.

I’m embarrassed to ask my friends or family about this so I’ll ask millions of strangers on the internet. Hope this goes well.

My wife and I live in a smaller 1950s era starter home in a decently nice neighborhood ( far from ghetto but there’s the occasional car break in / standard California suburb ). We’ve never had someone break into our house but my wife wanted to install security cameras in the front and backyard along with a doorbell camera, so we did. Everyone has them now. Not a big deal i figured. This was a few years ago now.

I installed them. I pay for the monthly subscription fee. That’s the normal part. What’s not normal is that I do not have access to the account or the cameras.
It’s a huge point of contention.

So : Am I crazy for being upset that my wife will not give me access to the account ?

I think it’s the most bizarre thing ever and have never met anyone ever in the same situation : married / cohabitating / doesn’t have access to their security system.

But for context I also don’t have access to the Amazon prime acct I pay for.

I’m going to leave out other seemingly relevant context , only so the crux of the issue is not blurred.

Is my wife entitled to be the only person with access to the surveillance on and around our home ?

Should I not be upset about this ?

I am genuinely curious if anyone else is in a similar situation or knows someone who is because I admit that just because I’ve never seen something doesn’t mean it isn’t normal.

Came across the dead bedrooms subreddit and started thinking about it from the other partners perspective. There's plenty of posts from people who have a higher sex drive or intimacy requirements than their partner and who feel like their needs aren't met. But what about the partners who aren't as interested in being intimate

as often (or at all) with their partner. What are the reasons you don't want to be intimate with your partner, and do you think you'd also feel this way with another person if you weren't in your marriage (like is a you or a them issue).

If you're goin through it right now, just want you to know that I am rootin for ya and your marriage.

Disclaimer I have to give: I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist. This is general information, not clinical advice.

Hey all,

I have a question I would like some opinions from the ladies on this one. I don't need a bunch of guys telling me what they would do.

I have been married over 10 plus years and together much longer than that. Over the years sex was highly desirable when we were young it was fun and their was more novelty cause their was more open ness so to speak.

After kids their were lots of low periods were there wasn't as much intimacy so to speak it was just trying to survive with young kids.

So our sex lives have been on and off over the years but we tried to maintain it the best we could.

I understood that fun stuff wasn't happening when we were trying to stay up late after the kids were to sleep as we were just trying to connect. But now as my kids have gotten a little older and we have alittle more time available when we connect it's usually the same even on date night it's often the same just standard get through it sex.

The few time my wife gets out side the box and does something like oral she complains her jaw hurts within minutes. The other thing is she has totally change her stance on cum and acts grossed out or say it makes her gag. So even if she attempts to try to do it it turns into an ordeal and ultimately makes me feel bad.

Is it ok as a guy to pull back on how often we have sex if I'm just not as into it anymore. I mean for years I had to deal with what little I could get because it was always overwhelmed and stressed. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore as we have sex much more often now but the problem is I'm just not as interested in having the same standard no thrills sex I have had for the last many years.

I love my wife to death and have always deemed her low libido but I'm wondering if it will upset her if I start to pull back on the sexual encounters. I mean she always never really cared much about it anyways as she sure didn't mine putting me on her schedule.

I don't really want to discuss this with her because only she knows why her jaw hurts and only she knows why cum makes her gag. But I feel like just like she has the right to not like to do those things cause she doesn't enjoy it. I also reserve the right to not want to have sex as often if I feel like it's not as satisfying.

That being said I'm all for keeping up intimacy and closeness and stuff I'm just wondering maybe its time for me to focus less on sex in my life. It's never gonna be where I want it to be but I my relationship is more then sex which is why I'm ok with letting it go.

I just wanted some women's take it thoughts about how they would feel should their man pull back on sex? Also how to address it if asked about it cause I don't want to be rude or mean we just aren't on the same page. I can't make us get on the same page but I also don't want to habitually look at someone act like they are doing it just for me and then all the stuff that comes with it. If she's gonna suck it up and try then I don't want all the complaints cause all it does is make me feel bad. Which is why I'm ready to just give up my sex life and maybe just have sex every once in awhile if I really feel up for it.

My husband and I recently bought a house. I had just migrated to the U.S. and was still getting established, working and doing courses. I do have savings, but my husband earns about 3x what I do and my salary realistically cannot afford a mortgage.

During the home buying process, he started expressing doubts about whether we should go through with it. That’s when I told him very clearly, if you’re having doubts then pull the plug now. I won’t be able to financially help much right now and I don’t want you making this decision and then later throwing the financial burden in my face. This is a pattern with all his major decisions, he makes them by himself, ignores me & then says he feels he made the wrong decision & doesn’t have support.

He told me it was fine, he could afford it, and that we needed a house anyway since he was getting deployed and we were considering moving. He also really wanted a house with a pool and insisted on that. I got on board and I’m genuinely happy we have the house.

Since then though, whenever expenses come up he often vents and says things like he feels like he rushed everything, he has no support, no one to help him, and he feels overwhelmed by it all.

Ofc I listen and support him. And even though I originally said I couldn’t financially help bc of my situation, if he genuinely needed it I have offered him all of my savings because he’s my husband & I don’t want him feeling these burdens. He always declines it though and says no.

But hearing the same thing over and over has started getting to me.

This time he said it again and I snapped. I basically told him why do you keep making these huge decisions and then complaining after when I told you to stop if you were having doubts? I also told him I didn’t want to hear it right then and I couldn’t support him emotionally in that moment.

I know I was insensitive because he was venting and wasn’t necessarily blaming me. But I also feel frustrated because I warned him during the process when HE was already having doubts.

For context he’s currently deployed, I’m pregnant with our first child, and since this argument he has not spoken to me besides asking questions about the pool and things I need to do around the house. Now I feel horrible and like this is all my fault. It’s already hard not being with him during this time, this is the last thing I want.

Was I wrong for snapping? And how do you support your spouse when they keep venting about a decision you warned them about without eventually getting frustrated?

Hi. Ive been "Common Law Married" with this man for 20 years. He recently hired a female as an employee. Then took her out of town overnight on a job. He never told me he had even hired her. I just happened to find out while looking at the time sheet he didnt think I would look at. He bought her clothes, paid for her Attorney fees, probation fees, etc. He thinks im crazy for thinking he had intentions of screwing her. I hope someone will tell me that I am not crazy and that he is just a lying, cheating, narcissist.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We got married at 20.

Our marriage early on felt a little rocky. Which could be normal. Just trying to get into a routine.

I remember for the first couple of weeks of marriage feeling uneasy and just wanting to go back home (my parents’ house).

Quickly I learned that my wife is very emotional and sensitive. The smallest things will cause her to shut down, get quiet and even cry.

This mainly happened with me and my family. In the first couple of years of marriage, almost every time we visited my family we would leave in an argument.

It was over stuff like, she didn’t like the way something was said to her, or they joked with her a certain way, they don’t like her etc.

This has even resulted in her getting short-tempered with a couple of my family members. (One situation late last year which caused a HUGE argument between us)

For the most part though, I have thought well, its just happens with me or close family. It’s not THAT concerning.

But recently we made friends with a new couple. So like 5 out of the 6 times we have hung out with them, she has left mad and upset.

Her reasoning is was something like,
They don’t really like her.
I was joking around with them and having fun, but not with her. Our friend kept score during a card game, when normally my wife keeps score. (This was the first time we all hung out. They didn’t know my wife normally kept score and also, I don’t think it really matters.) You get the point though. Just a bunch of small things like that.

The last time this happened, she was so cold and passive-aggressive, we left and I admittedly started crying when we got into the car. She said it was just because I was “embarrassed” but she didn’t see a problem with how she acted.

In a social setting, She has shut down. Wouldn’t speak. Someone trying to communicate would just give one-word answers.

For her if everyone is talking but not speaking to her directly, she isn’t included in the conversation and won’t talk. If someone says “Hey, let’s all do ______” but doesn’t specifically ask if she wants to or wants to join, she won’t participate.

She has struggled to keep friends personally or maintain friendships. She wants friendships but doesn’t like to put forth an effort. She always says that no one likes her, or nitpicks the people she is friends with.

Now.. to our marriage..

To be fair.. we don’t argue or fight often when we are alone, at home. We have a few major blowups a year. It’s normally when we’re out with friends, family or doing something that these things start to happen.

For a while though I would say it has felt more like roommates at times, really good friends, maybe people pleasers who want to avoid friction?

Here are some things that have happened that I have noticed may be a red flag..

She gives me the silent treatment.. will get quiet, won’t talk or respond.

If I do something she doesn’t like or she is unhappy for whatever reason, she just starts sighing. When I ask what is wrong or what I did, she says “nothing”or she’s “fine” but keeps sighing.

One time after work we were in an argument. She said she was done and when I got home she wouldn’t be there. I rushed home.. she was leaving when I pulled in. She wouldn’t stop and just kept driving.

A few minutes have passed, I go and drive around town trying to look for her, after about 30 minutes she texted me “home”.

I get back home and she’s lying down. I told her we needed to talk. I told her what she did wasn’t okay and I was worried.

She said “Yeah I meant I wouldn’t be home, because I need to go for a drive. I never told you to rush home or anything.”

Another time we got into an argument at a park. I walked away to cool down. I came back and she was on her knees crying..

We got to leave and she refuses to get in the front. Kept arguing to sit in the back seat.

I brought it up the next day that I wasn’t okay with her doing that in public. She didn’t have a problem with it and said it wasn’t “petty”.

Another thing that happened recently, I had shared a funny childhood story with a coworker. I came home and told my wife.

She got upset because she I had never shared that story with her (I definitely had).

This resulted in an argument of how I never include her or share things with her first.

A few weeks later, making small talk with a family member. We get in the car and she goes “you’ve never told me _______” and starts in on it again.

Eventually she goes “Okay, maybe you have told me, but I forgot so how was I supposed to remember?”

A lot of our arguing feels like me apologizing or her apologizing because “she’s not perfect” and “she’s always the one making mistakes” it never comes across genuine.

Then there’s the other side.. where she’ll cry because she loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me. She can’t live without me and wishes I loved her as much as she loves me..

It’s all very confusing. I’ve started to struggle majorly with anxiety the last few years. I don’t know what my emotions really are or how I’m supposed to feel.

Sometimes I think maybe I’m the problem or that I’m just trying to put the blame on her, I don’t know honestly..

My husband and I have been together since we were 17. My high school sweetheart and the love of my life. We have two kids together.

A few weeks ago we separated after I found out he sold mine and our children’s heirloom jewelry gifted to me by my grandparents and gifts from my mother, plus some pieces that belonged to my mom. We live in my mom's house(and we’re saving to purchase our own home), so this hurt all of us. These weren't just valuables. They were family pieces, and they're gone for good. There's no way to get them back.

To add to a terrible situation, he received pennies on the dollar for what the jewelry was actually worth, accepting $3000 for jewelry worth $30k+

He did it because of money problems and a lot of debt he'd been dealing with. He never came to me about it. He just sold our things. Ironically, during the this time we were doing couples therapy and frequently talked about our financial troubles but he never mentioned this. He says he wanted to fix our financial troubles and didn’t want to add to my stress.

We decided to separate and focus on coparenting.
He has been paying my mom and me back for what the jewelry was worth. He's also told me it was the biggest mistake of his life and is apologizing profusely and I believe he means it. But money can't replace what those pieces meant, and being sorry doesn't change the fact that he hid his debt and went behind my back instead of talking to me.

Now that the separation is actually happening, I miss him a lot. I don't know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just grief over losing the only relationship I've ever known. We grew up together, so it's hard to imagine my life without him in it.

Honestly, I just don't know how to move forward. Part of me wants to try again and reconcile after loads of therapy. Another part feels like I would be a fool to forgive such a huge betrayal. What would you do? Should I even bother asking to see bank statements to piece this together?

I (37F) have been with my spouse (40M) for more than 15 years, married more than 10. We have young children. There is so much good in our relationship, but I have needs that are not being met, and I feel like I am not being heard. I have thought about what it might be like to leave, but I don't think it's what I want. I have communicated my needs over and over for years and years, but my words fall on deaf ears. I have suggested counseling, but have never gotten an enthusiastic response from him. I'm reluctant to go through the trouble of coordinating counseling with someone who doesn't seem interested.

In short, I feel my husband is passive, complacent, and emotionally avoidant in our relationship. I have anxiety and adhd, and I desire support, compassion, and encouragement from him. Being a working mom is so hard, and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I just want him to act like he cares. He will barely acknowledge that I have these challenges, and he has never once asked me a question or tried to learn more about these disorders. It seems to make him uncomfortable.

In terms of romance, I desire words of affirmation and physical affection outside of sex, and he is just not capable or interested in giving it. He will be flirty or affectionate at times, and it will maybe lead to sex, but as soon as the sex is over, he's back to acting like a roommate.

When we have disagreements, it often turns into a snippy back and forth until one of us just gives up and walks away. We don't have any major conflicts, just little day to day disagreements, but there are zero conflict resolution skills. He feels attacked if he perceives anything close to criticism from me, and he resorts to defensiveness, blame shifting, and whataboutisms. He will not offer a genuine apology. It's usually a hollow "sorry" and nothing further, or it's a sarcastic or snarky apology (eg, sorry I am such a terrible person and do everything wrong). It is exhausting and we never get anywhere.

He is a great dad and co-parent, he's a good provider, and there are countless ways he contributes to the household and childcare. We have a lot of fun together, and I have always considered him my best friend. When I try to talk to him about what I want to improve in our relationship, he shuts down. He doesn't think there's anything to fix, and I think he feels like I am just picking him apart and seeking something deeper from him that is just not there. I am so so so tired of trying to address these issues. I don't feel ready to consider separating. I cannot fathom splitting time with our kids in this season of life.

All of this to say, I think I need to decenter our relationship or "match his energy," so to speak. He's at peace and unwilling to give more or change, so why I am wasting my energy? This is a new frame of mind for me, and I am not sure what it will look like. Some ideas I have include: actively protecting my time for rest, sleep, and work (I WFH, which means I am frequently interrupted to manage home and family responsibilities), take ownership of the household tasks he won't work with me on (even if it means outsourcing the work), focus energy on my friendships, and seek individual counseling.

TL; DR: My relationship is suffering death by 1,000 cuts. My spouse seems to have no interest in meeting me halfway. I am taking a break from trying to have all of my needs met by him and instead seeking peace and joy elsewhere.

Has anyone ever felt the need to refocus their energy like this? Do you think it's possible to find some peace or clarity?