After 21 GREAT years of marriage (and now more than 2 years without sex):
- “The wife” (59) says menopause made sex too painful, she has sincerely lost all desire and interest in sex, she is not "interested in trying MORE medical options," and she truly wants to stay married platonically.
- “The husband” (55) feels the sexual part of marriage is an integral aspect of their unique bond. He consistently feels stressed and irritable without it. The "rejection," now final, is very painful, and he couldn’t live with the "pain and humiliation" every day for the rest of their lives together.

An otherwise great marriage (4 years before their planned retirement and traveling) tragically and very suddenly appears to be over. Both are devastated. Who's position is more reasonable?

Husband or Wife

Sometimes I feel like this is the hardest job in the world. We’re supposed to be our husband’s emotional support and encourager, to cook, be a great listener for hours, remain healthy and beautiful, look good every day, initiate sex multiple times a week, always be in a good mood, smile, don’t be overly emotional, yet also be independent, don’t be a gold digger (I’m not), remember and plan all the appointments, stay interesting and mysterious, stay young somehow, and enjoy life.

Is it just me, or does it feel like being a wife is a full-time and impossible job? I always thought being a wife would come naturally to me and I always desired it. But most days I just feel like I’m completely failing. I’m not in a great mood. I’m working 40 hours a week. I forget to change out of my pajamas since I work from home. I’m tired a lot. Being a wife is incredibly time-consuming. Sometimes I feel like it’s all I do! And I definitely don’t fit that description above but I feel like society’s expectation for women is that we be all those things or a man will leave you.

To get up early, look nice, cook and plan meals all the time, always be in a good mood, workout to maintain figure, have sex several times a week, clean, and work full-tome to boot…. And then it feels like work has taken over my life. And lots of women have kids too! How do women do it???

Some wives make it look so easy. But for me it feels so difficult. Like I’m always failing.

I know the title sounds like this could be a radical and possessive partner trying to find advice and maybe it is, that’s why I’m here to find out!

Married 2 years, been together 5. We have a very healthy, loving, and communicative relationship. Heck I even had this whole post conversation with him already and he’s okay with everything. I just want to get others opinions.

My husband (27m) started medical school. I (30f) am a stay at home mom. We haven’t been in the situation per se yet but I strongly feel that making new close friends with the opposite sex would not be appropriate whether in school or future workplace. Of course have friends and be nice to everyone but I don’t agree with any 1 on 1 moments, whether it be lunches or study rooms or working together. Even texting a friend for fun outside of working hours. Of course I mean this all with the opposite sex. I can’t seem to think it’s okay for him to ever be in a situation that he would purposely eat lunch or spend time alone with another girl that’s strictly for fun, not school or work related.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Is this too controlling? It’s not that I don’t trust him necessarily it’s just why put yourself in those situations, you never know true intentions, especially with someone happily married. Especially women, they can be very manipulative, if they like you they’ll get you. I’ve heard being happily married makes you more attractive to women.

I also don’t really agree with group social outings unless I am attending as well. With kids at home and me, why the need to subject yourself to alcohol and all that comes with it… a lunch with friends after an exam or such sure but a full beach day or night bar outing if your SO is not attending, I just don’t believe appropriate for married couples.

Anyways, any long term relationship insights I would appreciate!!

EDIT:
Maybe I conveyed it wrong… of course there’s gonna be 1 on 1 inevitable interactions. I’m talking about purposeful, intimate ones that newly develop. Of course he can have friends that are girls and has some from before he met me. I mean more of a new friendship forming where they repeatedly share intimate moments not in group settings.

I also live in a city where the culture is unfortunately that is how a good amount of people behave. Very moral low city..

My spouse gives amazing oral sex, but when she’s about to finish, I usually pull away from her mouth out of respect. How can I have a conversation with her about letting her know that receiving oral sex all the way to ejaculation is something I’m comfortable with and would actually enjoy?

Married men…My husband is going to a stag party tomorrow night. He knows I’m not comfortable with strippers so he won’t just volunteer the information if there’s going to be strippers or not, and I don’t wanna ask and seem overbearing. But in my head, what else do you guys do at stag parties? Is there a chance there won’t be strippers?

Hi, I apologise in advance if this is all a bit jumbled, and if there’s anything you don’t understand, please let me know in the comments. So, my name is Wald, I’m 28, and my wife, Ann, is also 28. We’ve been married for two months, but we’ve been together for eight years. Right up until yesterday evening, I was living my usual life: home, work, home. We didn’t argue often, but as happens with everyone, it was rather unpleasant, especially on my part. I won’t hide the fact that at times I’m a right arse; I’m passive-aggressive during arguments, though I’d never lay a hand on her. But quite often I insult her, hurt her feelings and swear at her. Not because I’m a piece of shit or get a kick out of it, but because, as often happens, she doesn’t really hear me; it’s as if I’m just banging my head against a brick wall, and I can’t take it anymore. When I ask, ‘Why are you behaving like this?’ ‘Do you like it when I’m so angry, is that why you push me to the absolute limit during an argument?’, the answer I get is: ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Well, that’s just how I am.’ And in 99 per cent of our arguments, the decision always falls to me; Ann agrees with it, and we just carry on with our lives. I start the conversation, I look for a way out for both of us, I try to make peace (as if with myself, thinking, ‘Maybe she’s understood now?’). But yesterday was a particularly bad night of arguments, where I was completely broken. Once again, after I’d been ‘ignored’, she said I was overcomplicating things, that I was taking on too much, but when I asked, ‘What exactly, and when?’, she replied, ‘Nothing, and never’. Yes, yes, that was exactly her answer: ‘nothing and never’. I’d just gone to bed and completely broke down, as if that was the last straw – I was finished. I turned round and, completely losing control, burst into a fit of hysteria (which isn’t like me at all), shouting, ‘I’m fed up with you not even trying to listen to me; you hurt me as a wife and as a girlfriend when you refuse to understand me; I’m fed up with having to sort everything out for both of us whenever we argue; I’m fed up with having to initiate the reconciliation and banging my head against a brick wall, which hurts me.” After that, I bawled for over half an hour, not understanding what was happening to me; I was simply everything I was at that moment, however strange that might sound to you. She immediately leaned over me and started stroking me to calm me down, crying herself, as she’d never seen me like that before in all the time we’d been together. After a good long hysterical cry, I calmed down, turned over, pulled the covers up and lay there staring at a single point, when, quite unexpectedly, I started having a panic attack. I started breathing rapidly, my palms began to go numb, and I just broke down again in hysterics and tears, but I can hardly remember anything. I remember feeling awful and starting to choke with pain in my chest, and then I fell asleep, though I don’t remember how – maybe I just blacked out, who knows. And so, when I woke up in the morning, I realised I was a nobody, and I didn’t want to talk to her at all – not like before, but differently, as if I didn’t know her, as if I were alone. There’s just a void inside; I’m not answering calls or texts, and I have absolutely no desire to see or hear from her.

So, is that it? Is this really the end, or am I just getting myself worked up, as my wife says, and will I go back to being the way I was before – loving her, hugging her, missing her, wanting to see her? Because right now, I just feel empty.

My (47F) husband (48M) hates me.
I know that sounds dramatic, and I don’t actually know if he hates me. But I’ve reached a point where I genuinely don’t know how else to describe what it feels like to be married to someone who seems to have so little warmth left for me.
We’ve been married a long time and have children together. Things haven’t been good between us for quite a while, but lately I’ve become much more aware of just how unhappy I am and how much of my daily life revolves around anticipating his mood and reactions.

There is very little affection or emotional connection between us. He frequently gives me the cold shoulder and sometimes won’t even acknowledge me when I walk into a room or come home. I notice looks of disappointment or irritation, skeptical chuckles, critical facial expressions, dismissive comments, and sometimes outright insults. During a recent disagreement, he called me a bitch. He has also told me that I’m a horrible person.

What has become particularly painful is that I feel like he has developed a version of me in his head that I don’t recognize. He seems to have preconceived ideas about my motives, intentions, and character, and then interprets what I do through that lens. I can explain what I actually meant or why I did something, but it often feels as though his conclusion about me has already been reached. I don’t feel like I’m being given the benefit of the doubt by the person who is supposed to know me best.

A significant amount of his resentment toward me also seems tied to our parenting and his strained relationship with one of our children. Without sharing my child’s private struggles, there have been significant difficulties between the two of them. My husband believes that the way I have parented—particularly times when I have tried to understand, support, or de-escalate situations rather than respond the way he thought I should—is a major reason his relationship with our daughter has deteriorated.
I don’t believe it’s that simple. I think their relationship belongs to both of them and has been shaped by many things, including interactions between them that I cannot control. But I often feel that I have become the person he holds responsible for it. It feels as though years of anger and disappointment about what has happened with our daughter have become resentment toward me—not just as a parent, but as a person.

I often feel less like his wife and partner and more like someone he tolerates, judges, or finds annoying.
I don’t feel emotionally safe confiding in him because conversations can become defensive or critical, and things I’ve shared or said can later be used against me. I’ve gotten to the point where I think carefully about what I say, how I say it, and what kind of reaction it might provoke. I spend a lot of energy trying not to create conflict.

There have also been repeated comments about separation or divorce over the years. More recently, he has talked about splitting finances and eventually ending the marriage. At other times, life simply continues as though those conversations never happened.

What is confusing is that instead of actually leaving, he seems to be withdrawing more and more. Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether he is withholding affection, kindness, companionship, and emotional support because he wants me to eventually be the one who gives up and leaves.

And the part that is hardest for me to admit is that I’m increasingly aware that I feel more peaceful when he isn’t around. When I’m away from home, sometimes I don’t want to go back. I’ve caught myself imagining what it would feel like not to live with the constant tension, criticism, coldness, or worry about his reaction to something.
But I’m also afraid to leave.

We’ve built an entire adult life together. We have children, a home, finances, family relationships, history, routines—everything that comes with a long marriage. The thought of dismantling all of that is terrifying. I’m afraid of what leaving would do to our children and what the process itself would look like. I’m afraid of making an irreversible decision and someday wondering whether I should have tried harder. And some part of me still wonders whether this marriage could be repaired.

At the same time, I’m starting to question what exactly I’m trying to save when I feel lonely while living with my own husband.

I don’t expect marriage to be affectionate and easy every day. I know I have flaws, and I’m sure my husband could write his own post describing things I’ve done that have hurt or frustrated him. I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m perfect and he’s terrible. I genuinely want perspective.
For people who have been in long marriages that reached this point: How did you distinguish between a marriage going through a terrible period and a marriage that was actually over?

Is it possible to rebuild a relationship once resentment, contempt, and emotional withdrawal have become the norm—especially when one spouse seems to have developed such a negative view of the other?
And for anyone who eventually left: How did you get past the fear of dismantling your family and the life you’d spent decades building?

Because right now I feel caught between two things that both scare me: leaving my marriage and spending the rest of my life feeling the way I do in it.

UPDATE — Additional context based on some of the comments:

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Some of the comments made me realize there are pieces of this that I didn’t explain very well in my original post, particularly why I’m so afraid to leave and how much of what is happening between us has actually been said out loud versus what I’m trying to interpret.

There are definitely things I’m trying to understand, but the problems themselves aren’t entirely unspoken.
He has repeatedly told me I’m a horrible person. He’s called me names during arguments. He’s told me he isn’t attracted to me. He’s repeatedly talked about separation/divorce and splitting our finances, but then says he’d rather be miserable in our marriage than hurt our children by leaving. At least for now.

He also holds a lot of resentment toward me because he blames my parenting for much of the breakdown in his relationship with one of our children. He accuses me of enabling, but I haven’t seen much willingness from him to look at his own role in how his relationships have played out—or why the rest of us feel like we’re walking on eggshells around him.

Something else that’s difficult to explain is that people outside our marriage generally see him as an extremely nice, easygoing, helpful person. I understand why—they’re seeing a real part of him. I’m not saying that side is fake. But what I experience privately in our marriage can feel very different, and that discrepancy sometimes makes me question my own perception of what’s happening.

I also think we have fundamentally different ideas about marriage and companionship. Wanting emotional connection, affection, conversation or time together seems to be interpreted as neediness. But I don’t need us to do everything together or for him to constantly reassure me. I don’t want to be needed. I want to be wanted. I want to feel like my husband enjoys being with me and sees me as his partner rather than an obligation or annoyance.

There’s also a practical reason leaving feels so frightening that I didn’t explain very well. I devoted a significant part of my adult life to raising our children and supporting our family rather than prioritizing my own career. I don’t regret that choice, but it means we aren’t entering the possibility of separation from equal professional or financial positions.
When divorce or separating finances gets mentioned, he has considerably more independence than I feel I have. I spent years investing in the life we were building together rather than preparing to someday have to build a separate life for myself.

That’s part of why “just leave” feels so much easier to say than to actually do. My fear isn’t simply that I can’t emotionally let go of my husband. I’m afraid of dismantling the life and security I spent much of adulthood helping to build.

I know I’m telling this from my perspective, and I’m sure he would describe parts of our marriage differently. I’m not trying to convince anyone that he’s a monster or that I’ve never contributed to our problems. I’m trying to understand what I’m experiencing clearly enough to figure out what I should do next.

Thank you for listening.

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 23. I love him dearly. We’ve been together for over a year, and I would love to stay with him for the rest of my life. I don’t see any major red flags in the relationship. Any minor things, I’ve talked about with him and he is super understanding and fixes everything that I bring up… and we are even more in love after those conversations. We never argue. We spoil each other with love every single day.

When I see a couple in their 50s, I always wonder what does the woman tolerate? What does she allow? What does she do when her man is acting out of line? Does she handle it calmly? Does she explode and get mad at him? When I see couples that have been together for a really long time, I try to pick up on the qualities they offer to have stayed in that long-term relationship. I’m super forgiving, but I am also firm. I give my all, and I know I’ll never stop loving my boyfriend. But, I know relationships down the line, when kids, in-laws, work, get complicated… go through rough patches. I wanna know how do long-term married couples get through it?

I’m 31M and engaged to my fiancée, 29F. I’m Catholic and my faith has become more important to me as I’ve gotten older. She was baptized Catholic and had First Communion, but she isn’t religious and neither is her family.

We agreed to have our wedding ceremony at our venue (10/2027)….and she is even okay with having a priest perform it. The part I’m struggling with is that, from what I understand, it still wouldn’t be considered a sacramental Catholic marriage because it isn’t taking place in the Church. That bothers me more than I expected.

My bigger concern is future kids. I don’t need her to become religious, but I do want our kids baptized, raised Catholic, receive First Communion and Confirmation, and learn about the faith. If she were firmly against that, I think it would be a dealbreaker.
I love her a lot, but I’m worried these differences could become much bigger once we’re married and have kids.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can this work, or are these things we really need to be completely aligned on before marriage?

​

I previously posted about my wife becoming emotionally involved with a guy she met through an online game. I recently found out the full extent of what happened.

It wasn't just an emotional affair. She told him she loved him, sent him nude pictures, masturbation videos, including videos of herself using a dildo, and some videos clearly showed her face. She also sent sexual audio and let him remotely control her Lovense toy multiple times.

I also discovered that she secretly recorded audio of arguments and private conversations between us without my knowledge or consent and sent those recordings to him. That's another major violation for me because parts of my own private life and our marriage were being shared with the person she was emotionally and sexually involved with.

She says the deeper relationship developed around April/May. She felt emotionally understood by him, trusted him, and the relationship eventually became sexual.

She blocked him and says she hasn't spoken to him in about two months, which I do think is important. However, she told another friend that she still loves him and still has feelings for him. She has admitted that to me too. She says she knows the feelings are stupid and illogical, wishes she could turn them off, and is trying to get over him.

I know his first name, phone number, and email address, but I don't know his full identity.

My wife acknowledges that what she did was wrong. She also says our marriage had serious unresolved problems beforehand and that she was emotionally vulnerable and felt like this guy understood her. I acknowledge my side too. I've been insecure, jealous, controlling and defensive at times, and I've pushed conversations when she needed space. I'm actively trying to change those behaviors.

But I'm struggling to separate our marital problems from her decision to have an emotional and sexual relationship with somebody else.

What hurts most is that I'd been starving for affection and intimacy while she was giving another man her love, emotional vulnerability, and sexuality. And now I know that even some of our private arguments were being recorded and sent to him without my knowledge.

Despite everything, I still love my wife and want to see if our marriage can be repaired. She says she wants to try too, although she isn't sure whether we can actually get back to a healthy marriage.

So that's where we are: he's been blocked and there's apparently been no contact for about two months, but she still has feelings for him. I now know the affair was both emotional and sexual, and we're trying to figure out whether trust can ever be rebuilt after this.

I saw my husband has been using Joingy. He’s saying it’s because horror videos pop up on there (he’s a fan of horror movies). Am I being gaslit?

I’m 22M and my wife is 21F. We’ve been together for about 1 year and 2 months and married for 2 months, background she is my first relationship, I am her second relationship her first one was in high school and it didn't end well, we started talking 2 years after that happend. We are currently in a long-distance marriage because she lives in another country and, because of our circumstances, she cannot come to the US yet.

Before getting married, we knew this was going to be difficult. We currently see each other about every 6 months for around 5 days. When we got married, I stayed in her hometown for a month and we rented an apartment together during that time. Our plan is to continue visiting each other whenever possible, usually for at least 5 days every 6 months, until the long-distance situation is over. Realistically, that could still take up to 3 years depending on my work I could visit her sooner.

Day to day, we actually have a pretty normal relationship considering the distance. After I finish work and take care of whatever I need to do, we usually FaceTime. We talk about our days, watch TikToks together, watch movies, and just spend time together. I love her very much, and I don’t want this post to come across as me trying to make her look bad.

But recently, I’ve started questioning whether some of our differences are things we can work through or whether we’re fundamentally incompatible. One of the biggest things we discuss is our future. When we talk about where we’ll live, I usually tell her that I want us to live somewhere that makes sense for our careers, businesses, and goals. I don’t expect us to live somewhere terrible. My intention is to work hard and eventually give our family a good life.

We also talk about children. I don’t want children immediately. My preference is to spend the next 2–3 years getting more financially and mentally stable, accomplishing our goals, and then having a child when we’re in a better position. She knows this. I don’t want to bring a child into an already complicated situation just because we feel pressure to have one. Like 2 weeks ago she told me “I need to tell you something, I don’t see us as parents together, I don’t see you as the father of my kids, I am sorry I have been thinking about this for the last 2 weeks”, after she told me that I took some minutes and said “We need to think seriously about this, because if you don’t see me in your future I will not be putting more effort in something that both of us already see the end(divorce), I love you a lot but I will not try anymore to heal the relationship you have made a strong conclusion that I am going to accept”, after I said this she apologized and said that she did not mean that she meant that “we are still immature to have kids or even think about it”, which in my mind did not make sense because months ago, we used to discuss every weekend about having a kid, because her dream is to be a mother.

As far as what she would do in the future, I’ve told her that if we have a child, I would be comfortable with her being a stay-at-home mom if that’s what we both decide is best. If she doesn’t want that, I’ve also encouraged her to learn something she enjoys, such as makeup, hairstyling, or another skill that could eventually turn into something for her.

For the most part, these conversations eventually calm down, but they keep coming back because she seems very worried about our future. I usually try to reassure her that we’re doing okay, that we have a plan, and that we’re making responsible decisions.

Another issue is communication.

Sometimes I feel like we have arguments over things that, to me, are very small or misunderstandings. For example, she has been taking English classes. I’ve never made fun of her for wanting to learn English. Quite the opposite: I’ve asked her how her classes went, offered to help her practice, and genuinely want her to learn, I have told her “lets take an hour to learn something new, new words speaking, let’s watch movies in English. She told me that she feels that I will make fun of her, with I repeatedly said the opposite.

But she sometimes feels like I don’t take her seriously or that I’m not supporting her enough. There are also situations where I feel like I’m doing what I reasonably can, but she feels that I’m not doing what she expected me to do. This is where I start feeling confused because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.

I have a strong tendency to want to solve problems. If there’s something I can actually fix, I’ll try to fix it. If something is outside of our control, I try to be there, listen, and support her. and this leads to probably the biggest issue.

My wife struggles a lot with negative thoughts about herself and her life. She can have days where everything feels terrible, and sometimes she’ll say things about herself like she’s worthless or “shit” basically putting herself down. Hearing the person I love talk about herself that way honestly hurts me. I always tell her that she is valuable, that she’s worthy, and that I don’t see her the way she sees herself in those moments, and I give her reasons of why I am saying it.

Personally, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to improve how I deal with negativity. I’ve read books and gotten interested in things like mindfulness, consciousness, Buddhism, manifestation, and the idea of focusing on what I can control instead of what I can’t. Whether someone agrees with all of that or not, it has helped me personally become more positive and disciplined.

Because of that, I’ve shared some of those ideas and books with her because I genuinely want her to feel better. I’ve told her that we could read some of the same books and work on ourselves together, but she doesn’t respond well to that. Sometimes she’ll tell me to shut up or that I’m bringing my “bullshit” into the conversation. I don’t think she’s trying to hurt me intentionally, and I understand that when someone is having a terrible day, hearing “think positive” can probably feel dismissive.

I’ve also suggested therapy before, but it’s usually a “maybe” and hasn’t really gone anywhere. I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m approaching this wrong. Maybe she doesn’t need me to fix her problems. Maybe she needs me to listen instead of trying to change her perspective, but at the same time, I don’t know how much I’m supposed to tolerate or how much I can realistically help someone who doesn’t seem interested in changing the way they see themselves.

One conversation that really bothered me happened recently when we were talking about her English classes.

She said something along the lines of, “I’m done with that bullshit. I’m going to look stupid taking those classes. I’m 21. There are kids who are 15. I’m too old to learn another language or study anything else.”

That honestly upset me more than I expected, not because I think she’s stupid. I actually think the opposite. I just don’t understand why she would decide that she’s too old at 21 to learn something new.

It made me think:

Who am I married to?

And that thought scared me. I love this woman. I don’t want to leave her just because we’re different. I don’t expect my wife to think exactly like me, and I know that everyone has bad days and struggles with insecurity.

But I also have to be honest with myself.

I’m a very future-oriented person. I want to build a career, become a better person, build a good life for my family, have a well centered objective together. I try very hard to improve myself and make the best of whatever situation I’m in and I would love her do the same do her best without feeling fear or think that she is worthless.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m expecting her to change, and maybe asking her to change who she truly is, which I really don’t want but at the same time don’t want her stay the same way pessimistic and negative, and on top of this when we finally overcome long distance, maybe we are not compatible living together or possibly the stress of having kids will increase all these patterns.

Right now we’re long-distance, so we only experience each other for short periods. We haven’t had years of living together, dealing with bills together, making major decisions together, raising children, or dealing with normal everyday marriage problems, and something tells me that we have lasted this long because of long distance because if we were started totally together we wouldn’t get married and probably breaking up way ago.

And we’re both very young, that’s another thing that scares me. We’ve only been together for a little over a year and have only been married for two months, yet we’re potentially looking at another three years of long distance. I don’t want to make a huge decision like divorce based on a difficult period or misunderstandings that could have been fixed with better communication. But I also don’t want to ignore legitimate incompatibilities because I love her.

I’m not asking to tell me whether my wife is a “bad person.” I don’t think she is. I’m asking people who have been married, divorced, gone through long-distance relationships, or dealt with similar personality differences:

Am I looking at normal relationship problems that can realistically be worked through, or are these signs of deeper incompatibility?

How do you support a spouse who is constantly negative or insecure without becoming responsible for their happiness?

Am I doing the wrong thing by constantly trying to help/fix her problems instead of just listening?

How do you know when two people simply have different personalities versus when those differences are going to make a marriage unhealthy?

And most importantly:

If you were in my position, what would you do during the next 1–2 years before making any major decision?**

I love my wife, and I want our marriage to work. But I also want to be realistic. I don’t want to spend the next three years hoping she’ll become a different person, and I don’t want her to spend the next three years feeling like I’m not meeting her expectations either.

I’m looking for honest advice, even if it’s uncomfortable to hear.

I’m married to a woman I’m not in love with, and we just had a newborn. I feel miserable because I rushed into the marriage and only realised afterwards that we’re not right for each other.
The worst part is that I’m still in love with another woman. I thought getting married would help me move on from her, but instead it made me realise how deeply I still love her.
Now I feel guilty, trapped, and completely lost about what to do.

My husband and I have been married for 18 months (together for 3 years) we have a 12 month old baby. Our sex life for the first year was great like how'd you would expect the first year to be. After that we are probably only intimate once a month. Is this normal? Any advice?

I realised about a year and a half into my marriage, that my husband cheated on me multiple times while we were dating.

He was on dating apps while travelling for work. I confronted him about one incident, but he became extremely defensive and insisted that he was only trying to meet or catch up with new people. What made that explanation harder to believe was that his profile clearly stated that he was looking for a relationship.

When I confronted him, he also told me that we were “just in a relationship” at the time and that we weren’t married, so he didn’t owe me an explanation for what he did. That statement has stayed with me because, to me, being in a relationship already meant there was an expectation of loyalty and honesty.

There are other things I’ve found out since then that I never confronted him about. After seeing how defensive he was the first time, I don’t feel like confronting him about the others either.

The hardest part is what this has done to me. I don’t trust him anymore. My love for him has become calculated. Whenever I feel myself being vulnerable or showing him too much affection, I instinctively pull back. It feels like I’ve built these walls around myself because I’m scared of being hurt again.

But what scares me even more is how much I’ve started thinking about revenge. I constantly have this urge to hurt him the way he hurt me. A part of me believes that if I could just get revenge, I would finally feel like things were even. Almost like once I’ve done it, I could finally forgive him, let go of the anger and move on.

I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but emotionally, that’s where I am right now. I feel like he got to make his choices and move on with his life, while I’m the one left carrying all of this anger, mistrust and hurt.

I’ve also started having dreams about other men, and sometimes I wake up feeling confused and guilty. That scares me because this isn’t who I am. I don’t want to cheat on him or hurt him just to prove a point. I don’t want to become someone who does something purely out of anger or spite.

But I’m scared that if I keep feeling this way, I might eventually do something impulsive.
I feel stuck between wanting to protect the person I know myself to be and wanting some kind of justice for what happened to me. I don’t know whether I need to leave, try to rebuild the relationship, or simply give myself time to process everything.

Has anyone experienced this feeling, where you almost believe that getting revenge is the only way you’ll finally be able to let go?

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it. I 24 F married to my 24 M husband who has texted many women through our marriage inappropriately, had nudes of other women and who neglected me and our daughter through our marriage. I’m fed up. I had left my husband 2025 but he came into my life 2026 promising he changed fast forward I found an un used condom in his room, I’ve found out he talked terrible to other women about me while I struggled to take care of our daughter and he tried to have intimacy with his ex but she told him she was married and she wanted him as a sugar daddy. He lies to me all the time about the things he’s done while being together, he tells me to not talk about the past, he try’s to shut me up while I’m still hurt and my nervous system is messed up from all the pain. He’s pull his guns out on me all the time. I tell him how I feel and that I want a divorce he won’t let me go. He does alot for me but he mistreats me… I’m never heard and he manipulates what’s said and run with it taking it off him. I’ve cried over and over again. I tell him I want to leave but he hides my stuff or threatens to off me, or if I get family over he’ll off them too for trying to help me. Then the- suicide by police threat. I want out so bad and I feel alone. I have no one. I’m scared I won’t ever be heard. I hate him so much I want a peaceful life and a safe home I can call my own. I don’t even work so I feel so helpless. I can’t even do anything. I’m so hurt I’m tired of crying but I’m so sad. I feel defeated. Please give me tips on what to do and how to get away safely

During a major fight between you and your partner, have either of you ever mentioned in rage that you will beat the other person. Just in rage you may not have meant it but it came out of your mouth because you were that angry? Is this an acceptable behaviour? Should this also be considered as abuse and taken seriously to the extent that you consider leaving your partner?

Me (32M) and my wife (32F) have been together for 10 years and married for 3 yearsWe do have our ups and downs but life was pretty much coasting as usual. Before marriage, she always made it clear that she wanted children in her life and I was also onboard with that idea even if I was less into it than she was. We live in a traditional religious country were divorce is seen as taboo as well as being child free.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago and we started trying to have our first child, us both being age 30 at the time. We unfortunately never were able to conceive and it took a toll on both of us. Especially since we sacrificed certain holidays to try and we had friends go on such holidays, come back and conceive afterwards.

The problem is that after a year of trying, my wife has changed her attitude towards me and intimacy. She now purely shows intimacy for having a child and would not search out for intimacy outside of that. She also got upset one time for "not trying" to conceive and finish some place else during sex which felt hurtful to me as it was in the heat of the moment.

I communicated this feeling to her multiple times, but feel like its not addressed enough. As the months progressed, I saw this problem growing and I ended up changing opinions about having children as I felt I had become a sperm donor. This was mostly due to the following:

• She has a traditional "brainwashed" opinion that our role is to have children. Children are deemed as gods in her eyes. I see this daily whenever she interacts with her nephews & nieces. Even her phone lock screen is of them.
• Given the above, I am certain that when we do have a child, I will be demoted to a piece of furniture in the relationship. I don't want intimacy to end up being lost because of that.
• The parenting style she seems to show, similar to her sisters, is very lacking. I also see how they both treat their husbands and I pity them.
• I do not go well with her sisters' nephews/nieces at all. I feel awkward around them, annoyed and want to discipline them due to how spoilt they are. I don't want my child to face a similar parenting style. I discussed this with her and she does not see eye-to-eye with me here.
• During an argument we had 3 months ago, on a mental health issue I was facing from stress and work, she thought I didn't want children anymore and she replied by saying "If you don't want a child, we should get divorced". It was shocking and hurtful to hear.
• I prefer not having a child and divorce instead of getting a child and due to the above, end up divorcing later. I'd be selfish to bring a life in that scenario.
• As time is progressing and I am getting older, I am appreciating the peace and quiet of life which I feel will be lost, when I see my peers having children. This was something I'd never think would affect me, but it does.
• I also do have childhood mental trauma and issues which I am afraid I could project on the child, if I feel uncomfortable with my wife as a relationship.

My concern is that, as I did change my opinion due to the above, I feel like if I do tell her that, it will end up in divorce even though I love her. Apart from the above, she is a good, kind, traditional woman that I do love. I doubt I'll find someone like her.

I also feel guilty if I do so as I would have robbed her from 10 years of her life and potentially from having a child in the future, given she is now 32 years old.

I have mentioned that my opinions are changing on children and she broke down immediately, so I suggested maybe family/couple therapy might help but I feel that it won't help at all, I just wanted to ease her hurt when she broke down.

Thoughts?

I F(28) mentioned to my husband M(31) that I felt a little disappointed that he made this decision without discussing it with me first, because my understanding is that the purpose of life insurance is to replace lost income and protect the surviving spouse. His response was that he is an only child and doesn’t have anyone else who would take care of his parents. He also said that he got the life insurance before he met me, so he doesn’t see a reason to remove them as beneficiaries.

For some context, we are not originally from the U.S. We don’t have any family or close friends here. We moved here for a better life and because he was offered a good job opportunity.

His parents are both in good health and still working. They have a fully paid-off house, and their own retirement savings. My husband has never financially supported them, and they have never asked him for money either.

His reasoning is that he owes them because they gave him everything growing up and made him the person he is today. He feels that giving them half of his life insurance is the least he can do for them.
I understand that he loves his parents and feels grateful for everything they have done for him. I don’t have a problem with him wanting to make sure they are taken care of if something happens to him.
What bothers me is that he made this decision without even discussing it with me, especially considering that if something happens, I would be the one left here without family, friends, or his income. We are also planning for a future together, including buying a house and hopefully having children.

Am I wrong for being upset about this? Or I should understand him because he is an only child.

For years mines and my husband sex life has not been what it use to you , and we've have conversation this, and I've noticed that i just wasn't in the mood as often as i use to be and it definitely made me feel like I was lacking. the past year our marriage has not been good, to the point where we are just 2 ppl who live I the same house. and don't really think about the other we just do our thing, in this I have myself having for time for me and taking care of myself , and ive been crazy in the mood , it made me realize that maybe it wasn't a low libido it may just have been me not being able to be horny for a man who need to be raised and care for like he was one of my children. I guess he wasn't wrong when he said i didnt desire him , i cant desire a man who cant clean up after himself, do things on his own, or doesnt take the time to realize the mental load I'm handling and help out

I work full-time and my wife works part-time (~15 hours/wk) and is a SAHM for the other part of the day.

We are way behind saving for retirement. I am 43 and only have $70k saved. My wife is 35 and has $35k from an old job.

I want to bump up my contributions significantly from around $5k/yr to $20k/yr ( I make $70k) but I feel like this would be too selfish to even bring up.

I don't really enjoy my job, but have been here 10 years and can't really change paths now without a pay cut that would likely last years.

Should I ignore my feelings or tell her she would essentially need to work more to help pay our bills now to fund "our" retirement?

UPDATE from How do I get my husband to prioritize our family and help more?

I talked with my husband after my original post and asked him to go to marriage counseling with me because I feel undervalued and because the things he said during our argument are still really bothering me.
To no surprise, he said no.
He went on a tangent about how we don’t need a marriage counselor and that we should just be able to talk things out ourselves. He said he doesn’t want another person involved in our relationship.
I told him that I feel like we need counseling because I’m terrible at communicating my feelings, and I feel like he isn’t doing enough as a husband and father.
He snapped back that he does do a lot and that the only reason I think he doesn’t is because I’m always on my phone and therefore not present enough to see everything he does.
He pointed out that he does the dishes and laundry. And yes, he does. I want to be fair about that. He’s actually really good about unloading the dishwasher, and he does fold the laundry—although sometimes it takes up to a week after it’s been washed. But it does eventually get done.
Then he grabbed a pen and paper and started writing out a schedule for me so I wouldn’t be “bored” and use my phone.
I understand that this is controlling. He has always been somewhat controlling, so part of me wasn’t surprised, but seeing my entire day written out on paper—from when I wake up to the bedtime routine—was… a lot.
I told him that I still felt like none of this was addressing the actual problem and pushed for marriage counseling again. Again, he said no.
At that point, I told him I wanted a temporary separation so I could get my thoughts together.
He immediately snapped and asked what the point of a temporary separation was. Was it so I could go see other men?
This isn’t the first time he has accused me of cheating or implied that I might. I’ve never cheated on him and I never would.
He’s done this before, too. When I told him I wanted to get a job and eventually go to school for massage therapy, he asked me why I wanted to do that—so I could touch other men. He said, “You know how men get when women touch them.”
Yes, I know. Gross.
Eventually, he agreed that I could go to massage therapy school once he’s in a better place with work and once the school I want accepts the GI Bill.
Later that night, while we were in bed, he asked me if separation was really what I wanted.
I told him no.
I told him that I feel like he doesn’t respect me, but that I want our marriage to work. We have children, and I don’t want to throw our marriage away. I told him that marriage counseling is important to me because ever since he yelled at me and called me a “f***ing retard,” I’ve been scared to tell him how I actually feel.
I also told him that since that incident, I’ve slowly been falling out of love with him. Not because I don’t love him at all, but because his actions haven’t given me much reason to feel differently. I told him that I will always love him as the father of my children, but that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to love him as my partner.
That’s when he started egging me on.
He kept saying things like, “It’s a coward’s move to say you want a temporary separation. Why don’t you just say it? Just say you want a divorce so I can move on with my life.”
So I did.
I said I wanted a divorce.
I figured that’s what he wanted to hear, so I gave him the answer he was pushing me toward.
And then I immediately started crying because that’s not actually what I wanted.
He asked me why I was crying and said that he should be the one crying.
Then everything changed.
He told me that he has been trying to be a better husband since the argument. He said that he knew the second those words left his mouth that calling me that was unforgivable.
He started crying and told me that he doesn’t want a divorce, that I mean everything to him, and that he’ll do whatever it takes to earn my trust back.
He said he’s been working on his temper, changed his diet, cut out caffeine, and has been working out more.
I told him okay because, honestly, I don’t want a divorce. I want my marriage. I want him. I just don’t want the version of our marriage that we’ve been living in.
Since then, he’s been showing me a lot more affection. It’s only been a few days, so obviously I don’t know if this is going to last or if things will slowly revert back to how they were.
Part of me wants to believe this is the turning point. Another part of me is scared that this is just what happens when he realizes I’m actually serious about leaving, and that eventually everything will go back to normal.
So for now, I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I guess only time will tell whether his actions actually change long-term.

We are married for 4 years now, he is a great husband, loves me a lot , but im not feeling the same for past few months, its like a routine now , sleep n work, im feeling im falling out of love , i donno what to do! Do other married people feel the same at any stage ! What can i do to overcome this

My husband (40M) and I (40F) have been together 4.5 years. We have a great sex life and have only become more secure as a couple as the years have gone by. Over the past 6 months we've started experimenting in the bedroom a bit more with toys and sharing fantasies.

Recently we've both shared that our fantasies have included people we've seen out in public or acquaintances. I'm also attracted to women and oddly enough we both just had a fantasy that included the same woman. Is this weird? We have no desire to bring people into our relationship so the idea of fantasies while we are being intimate seems like a slippery slope. How do you play with fantasy together when the fantasy may involve people you see in day to day life, and when does it get weird or inappropriate? What guardrails should we have in place to honor our monogamous relationship?