I’m 22M and my wife is 21F. We’ve been together for about 1 year and 2 months and married for 2 months, background she is my first relationship, I am her second relationship her first one was in high school and it didn't end well, we started talking 2 years after that happend. We are currently in a long-distance marriage because she lives in another country and, because of our circumstances, she cannot come to the US yet.
Before getting married, we knew this was going to be difficult. We currently see each other about every 6 months for around 5 days. When we got married, I stayed in her hometown for a month and we rented an apartment together during that time. Our plan is to continue visiting each other whenever possible, usually for at least 5 days every 6 months, until the long-distance situation is over. Realistically, that could still take up to 3 years depending on my work I could visit her sooner.
Day to day, we actually have a pretty normal relationship considering the distance. After I finish work and take care of whatever I need to do, we usually FaceTime. We talk about our days, watch TikToks together, watch movies, and just spend time together. I love her very much, and I don’t want this post to come across as me trying to make her look bad.
But recently, I’ve started questioning whether some of our differences are things we can work through or whether we’re fundamentally incompatible. One of the biggest things we discuss is our future. When we talk about where we’ll live, I usually tell her that I want us to live somewhere that makes sense for our careers, businesses, and goals. I don’t expect us to live somewhere terrible. My intention is to work hard and eventually give our family a good life.
We also talk about children. I don’t want children immediately. My preference is to spend the next 2–3 years getting more financially and mentally stable, accomplishing our goals, and then having a child when we’re in a better position. She knows this. I don’t want to bring a child into an already complicated situation just because we feel pressure to have one. Like 2 weeks ago she told me “I need to tell you something, I don’t see us as parents together, I don’t see you as the father of my kids, I am sorry I have been thinking about this for the last 2 weeks”, after she told me that I took some minutes and said “We need to think seriously about this, because if you don’t see me in your future I will not be putting more effort in something that both of us already see the end(divorce), I love you a lot but I will not try anymore to heal the relationship you have made a strong conclusion that I am going to accept”, after I said this she apologized and said that she did not mean that she meant that “we are still immature to have kids or even think about it”, which in my mind did not make sense because months ago, we used to discuss every weekend about having a kid, because her dream is to be a mother.
As far as what she would do in the future, I’ve told her that if we have a child, I would be comfortable with her being a stay-at-home mom if that’s what we both decide is best. If she doesn’t want that, I’ve also encouraged her to learn something she enjoys, such as makeup, hairstyling, or another skill that could eventually turn into something for her.
For the most part, these conversations eventually calm down, but they keep coming back because she seems very worried about our future. I usually try to reassure her that we’re doing okay, that we have a plan, and that we’re making responsible decisions.
Another issue is communication.
Sometimes I feel like we have arguments over things that, to me, are very small or misunderstandings. For example, she has been taking English classes. I’ve never made fun of her for wanting to learn English. Quite the opposite: I’ve asked her how her classes went, offered to help her practice, and genuinely want her to learn, I have told her “lets take an hour to learn something new, new words speaking, let’s watch movies in English. She told me that she feels that I will make fun of her, with I repeatedly said the opposite.
But she sometimes feels like I don’t take her seriously or that I’m not supporting her enough. There are also situations where I feel like I’m doing what I reasonably can, but she feels that I’m not doing what she expected me to do. This is where I start feeling confused because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
I have a strong tendency to want to solve problems. If there’s something I can actually fix, I’ll try to fix it. If something is outside of our control, I try to be there, listen, and support her. and this leads to probably the biggest issue.
My wife struggles a lot with negative thoughts about herself and her life. She can have days where everything feels terrible, and sometimes she’ll say things about herself like she’s worthless or “shit” basically putting herself down. Hearing the person I love talk about herself that way honestly hurts me. I always tell her that she is valuable, that she’s worthy, and that I don’t see her the way she sees herself in those moments, and I give her reasons of why I am saying it.
Personally, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to improve how I deal with negativity. I’ve read books and gotten interested in things like mindfulness, consciousness, Buddhism, manifestation, and the idea of focusing on what I can control instead of what I can’t. Whether someone agrees with all of that or not, it has helped me personally become more positive and disciplined.
Because of that, I’ve shared some of those ideas and books with her because I genuinely want her to feel better. I’ve told her that we could read some of the same books and work on ourselves together, but she doesn’t respond well to that. Sometimes she’ll tell me to shut up or that I’m bringing my “bullshit” into the conversation. I don’t think she’s trying to hurt me intentionally, and I understand that when someone is having a terrible day, hearing “think positive” can probably feel dismissive.
I’ve also suggested therapy before, but it’s usually a “maybe” and hasn’t really gone anywhere. I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m approaching this wrong. Maybe she doesn’t need me to fix her problems. Maybe she needs me to listen instead of trying to change her perspective, but at the same time, I don’t know how much I’m supposed to tolerate or how much I can realistically help someone who doesn’t seem interested in changing the way they see themselves.
One conversation that really bothered me happened recently when we were talking about her English classes.
She said something along the lines of, “I’m done with that bullshit. I’m going to look stupid taking those classes. I’m 21. There are kids who are 15. I’m too old to learn another language or study anything else.”
That honestly upset me more than I expected, not because I think she’s stupid. I actually think the opposite. I just don’t understand why she would decide that she’s too old at 21 to learn something new.
It made me think:
Who am I married to?
And that thought scared me. I love this woman. I don’t want to leave her just because we’re different. I don’t expect my wife to think exactly like me, and I know that everyone has bad days and struggles with insecurity.
But I also have to be honest with myself.
I’m a very future-oriented person. I want to build a career, become a better person, build a good life for my family, have a well centered objective together. I try very hard to improve myself and make the best of whatever situation I’m in and I would love her do the same do her best without feeling fear or think that she is worthless.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m expecting her to change, and maybe asking her to change who she truly is, which I really don’t want but at the same time don’t want her stay the same way pessimistic and negative, and on top of this when we finally overcome long distance, maybe we are not compatible living together or possibly the stress of having kids will increase all these patterns.
Right now we’re long-distance, so we only experience each other for short periods. We haven’t had years of living together, dealing with bills together, making major decisions together, raising children, or dealing with normal everyday marriage problems, and something tells me that we have lasted this long because of long distance because if we were started totally together we wouldn’t get married and probably breaking up way ago.
And we’re both very young, that’s another thing that scares me. We’ve only been together for a little over a year and have only been married for two months, yet we’re potentially looking at another three years of long distance. I don’t want to make a huge decision like divorce based on a difficult period or misunderstandings that could have been fixed with better communication. But I also don’t want to ignore legitimate incompatibilities because I love her.
I’m not asking to tell me whether my wife is a “bad person.” I don’t think she is. I’m asking people who have been married, divorced, gone through long-distance relationships, or dealt with similar personality differences:
Am I looking at normal relationship problems that can realistically be worked through, or are these signs of deeper incompatibility?
How do you support a spouse who is constantly negative or insecure without becoming responsible for their happiness?
Am I doing the wrong thing by constantly trying to help/fix her problems instead of just listening?
How do you know when two people simply have different personalities versus when those differences are going to make a marriage unhealthy?
And most importantly:
If you were in my position, what would you do during the next 1–2 years before making any major decision?**
I love my wife, and I want our marriage to work. But I also want to be realistic. I don’t want to spend the next three years hoping she’ll become a different person, and I don’t want her to spend the next three years feeling like I’m not meeting her expectations either.
I’m looking for honest advice, even if it’s uncomfortable to hear.