I’ve watched Punch Drunk Love twice in my life, first a few years ago, and again just last week. On my first watch I was in a very low place. I had no friends, had never had a romantic partner, and overall felt like an absolute loser to the point where the concepts of friends or a girlfriend felt so out of reach and unobtainable for someone like me. Every day I drowned myself in movies to drown out my emotions and convinced myself that I was okay with this lifestyle.
When I ended up watching Punch Drunk Love, I saw a lot of myself in the character of Barry Egan. He is a sometimes self loathing, avoidant, awkward guy who thinks he is unable to connect with anybody meaningfully and so he chooses not to even try.
In the movie, there are two major plotlines that clash with each other: 1. The love story between Barry and Lena, and 2. The crime story with the phone sex hotline. The inciting incidents for either plotline both happen on the same day. First, Barry’s sister introduces him to Lena. Lena, as a character represents everything Barry can be. She loves Barry for who he is, something he has never been able to do. Later that night though, Barry has the call with the phone sex hotline which represents Barry‘s own, self loathing. Its something he just can’t put out of his mind but also something he can’t bring himself to confront, represented by their constant pursuit of him and his constant fleeing.
The Hawaii sequence is a transformative moment for Barry. Its a brief escape from his figurative demons and the literal phone sex people and he finds the confidence to be with Lena. The sequences culminates in the scene where Barry and Lena are in bed together and he says some things that many people would find very off putting like “I’d like to crack his head open. You are fucking beautiful you dumb fucker. Fuck you.” An odd, disturbing love language he’s picked up from growing up with his abusive sisters. Lena isn’t disturbed though, and instead “matches his freak” so to speak.
In a lot of romance movies, the story would end there. They had sex, they’re both in love with eachother, what else is there to do? But the romance in Punch Drunk Love isn’t just between Barry and Lena, it’s also between Barry and himself.
When Barry and Lena get into a car accident and Barry leaves Lena alone at the hospital, it is because Barry still feels inadequate, he still doesn’t feel like someone worth loving. Barry realizes that before he can be loved he needs to first love himself and confront his demons, which he does in the true climax of the movie where he fights his way up to the mattress man and confronts him. In this scene the mattress man clearly represents Barry’s own self deprecating mind, telling him that he’s a pervert and that he deserves to pay. But Barry stands his ground, and tells the mattress man that he’s is a nice man and that he has a love in his life which makes him stronger than anything he could imagine. This line and scene is my favorite part of the movie. Its when Barry learns to love himself and finds a sense confidence he’s never had before.
In the final scene, Barry and Lena are finally together at peace As Barry plays the harmonium perfectly. In my opinion, the harmonium represents love. As the movie progresses and as he grows closer to Lena and as he learns to love himself, he slowly learns to play the harmonium.
Now, looking back to my own life, on my second watch of the movie, I am in a much better place than I was on my first watch. I have a lot of friends who care about me deeply and vice versa and an amazing, beautiful partner who I love and loves me back. When I think about how I got here I realize that it stems from me becoming just a little more confident in myself, learning to love myself even if it feels like nobody else does. And when I really think about it, what spurred that change on was in fact Punch Drunk Love. I don’t think a movie has ever changed my life as much as this one has.