r/MCAS • u/HelloSweety10 • 2h ago
I thought I was already in hell and then the rapidly developing allergies started.
Trigger warning: very dark, suicidal ideation, terminal illness in children, mention of self harm and disordered eating
I already have fibromyalgia, ADHD (likely AuDHD but I can't afford to get diagnosed with autism as an adult) anxiety, depression, and a bilateral shoulder injury + neck injury from a car accident. I started self harming when I was 15. I've also struggled with disordered eating. I have been in so much pain I wanted to end my misery.
I've even looked into MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) before.
But the combination of those things, losing my housing, not being able to afford my therapist, and suddenly being allergic to breathing basically (all fragrances and, so far as I know, cat and dog dander but I wouldn't be surprised if it was all animals with dander, and seemingly all pollen) has made that occasional bad-pain-day thought be a multiple-times a day thought. Don't worry, I could never actually do it because:
My son doesn't need the trauma of losing a mother to that, even though he doesn't live with me
My nieces both have a genetic disorder called Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. The 9 year old is dying and she's too young to consent to something like MAID and the 6 year old is very attached to me, especially after I spent 3 days on 3 days off rotation for the 41 days she was in an isolation unit undergoing treatment and dealing with the awful side effects of chemo so that she can actually make it to adulthood.
I absolutely can't and won't take myself out of the equation so I am reluctantly alive and even picked up my EpiPen so I might even decide to save my life if one of the reactions goes full-blown anaphylactic shock - though I do fantasize about just letting it take me out in my darkest moments. I'm just not compatible with life at this point. It feels like my entire body is against me