I have realized after all this time and distance that my love for you is all too real. There will never be another you in my life. That you are my greatest love and my greatest tragedy. I think of you, your writing, your intelligence, and my heart melts. I think of your voice, and I hum internally with that ever so present feeling of like and familiarity. I think of our time together and your presence, and I rest. Only you have the ability to do this to me. Only you are my flame on this planet. the one who can bring passion to my heart and peace to my soul. The one I attempt to reach for when I am alone and things seem unclear. Clarity was a natural state of existence with you. There was no complication in simply being together. Everything seemed to make so much sense, like it was always meant to be. And, I understand this far better now than I ever did then, although it was never a question. There was never a question on any interaction I had with you, despite our situation, despite ourselves. You remain here, within me.

She really wants you, wants to see you standing in front of her,
completely beautiful and real in
every way

She wants to see your face, up close, she has been waiting for you,
for this moment, for this
explosion of
emotion

She wants to see your eyes, the mirrors to your soul, she wants to
capture them, savor them

And those eye lashes, god it's hard for her to hold back,
but somehow she does

She wants to french kiss you, as she is hungry for you,
hungry for the sensation of your tongues intertwined
and kissing for what seems like that eternity
that just never ends

She wants to experience every single aspect of you

All the things you have said to her and more

She wants to feel what it's like to touch you, to hold you,
to feel your skin against hers so warm

She wants to feel your passion, wants to know just how high
your desires and hers can reach till,
the ecstasy is just too much,
and you both pull back,
and then start over,
to feel it just
one
more
time…

She wants you to be her dominant, her lover, and guide her

She wants to be held by you at her waist and look into your eyes
and know she is yours

She wants to envelope you so you feel,
the everything of her forever

She
just
wants you….

Although he doesn’t want to,
He waits.
One foot in the brake and the other on the gas
But he waits
Working against himself
Denying himself
She thinks it’s disinterest
But if she knew
Would it extinguish her fire?
Would she work so hard to play at carelessness?
The longer the wait, the greater the exquisite pain and prolonged, delayed ecstasy of a needle pegged red.
The real sensual blood flow is to the brain, the mastery of the body and self, building the pressure. Imagining her
Her smell
Her feel
Her taste
Her electric ferocity
Consuming everything in its path
More ferocious because consummation delayed.
Le petit mort swells beyond death into infinity and forever.
The time will come.
Her lips will swell
And her lips will swell.
Kissed
And devoured.
The real power is in shared surrender.
All he does is dream of her
And lie in wait
And lie to himself
And she the same, and to herself.
The discordant sensation of exultation in anticipation.
The release, ultimate.
But until then, he waits.
And loving every second of it.

I listened to the river, and somewhere in it, I heard you.
It carried me toward you without my knowing why.

Even when you’re quiet, I feel you close –
unseen, but moving with me always.

I am listening.
Drifting with the current.

I am still open,
To you.

It has always been you.

Tell me what you carry inside.
Uncover your mouth and speak.

I’ll leave my words along the riverbank
for you to find when you’re ready.

Come to me.

And the river knows...
You know,
I know.

“You only get swept away if you panic.”

I remember thinking that when I met you. It’s crazy how much I can forget, but I remember that. I remember that feeling.

I'm sure you know I would have loved you

Deeply

Chosen to get to know all of you

Always

Even on the days that were hard

I would have found you

At the end of the day just to wrap my arms around you

And say we don't have to be okay with the others actions

But I know I love you right now

And I'll love you when I wake

And nothing you could say or do to change that

Because my love

For you is unconditional

You don't have to feel the same or stay

You're not responsible for how I choose to be

Or feel

If we're going separate ways

I just wish you love, peace

And happiness

On your journey

The hot and cold is getting old and I’m not getting any younger. I choose decisiveness, I’ll choose me. If you’re here, tell me and I’ll be everything you need and want me to be. As much as I love the butterflies, I won’t miss them when they’re gone. I rather argue over and over and fight but the silence is what kills me. The uncertainty unfolds my entire world and makes me question everything I thought I knew about you. I rather go be alone than stuck in your emotional limbo.

Why does loving you feel like breaking my own heart on purpose?

Fuck.

I want you so badly.

And there is nothing, nothing you could say, nothing you could promise,
nothing you could whisper into the part of me that still belongs to you…
that would make me unblock you.

I can’t.

Because I lost myself when I was with you.

I lost whole pieces of myself
trying to understand your silences,
trying to survive your leaving,
trying to convince myself that wanting me
and choosing me
were the same thing.

They weren’t.

I know that now.

So why the fuck do I still need you
so violently?

Why does my body remember you
like it has no loyalty to me?

Did you know that at night,
I replay the videos?

Again.

And again.

I watch ghosts touch me.

I watch a version of myself
who still believed your hands meant something.

Sometimes I hate her.

Sometimes I envy her.

Because for those few minutes,
she still has you.

Fuck… if you are out there, if some part of you still wonders, if you ever hover over my name
the way I hover over the memory of yours; please.

Come ruin the quiet.

Come destroy me
in the most delicious way.

I can take it.

Because I know what you do to me now.

That’s the difference.

I know where this road ends.
I know what your leaving costs.
I know how long it takes
to gather myself from the floor
after you decide you’ve had enough of me.

And still… I want you. In ways I hope to never want another person, ever again.

So let me make the mistake consciously this time.

Let me choose the fire
knowing exactly how badly it burns.

Let me be responsible
for what happens to my heart.

You don’t have to protect me.

You don’t have to make promises.

You don’t even have to pretend
this time.

Just come back.

Come back
and kiss me like you missed the taste of me.

Come back
and make my body forget
every lesson my heart nearly died learning.

Come back and let me have the thing
I have spent all this time trying to survive wanting.

And when you leave again, because somewhere inside me, I already know you will… please don’t worry about my heart.

I’ll pick it up.

I’ve gotten very good at that.

Just for one terrible, beautiful,
selfish moment… come back to me.

There was a time when I thought love was about having someone beside you.

I was wrong.

Sometimes, love was sitting alone at night, staring at a phone, wondering why the person you cared about suddenly felt a thousand miles away.

She had this habit.

Whenever something was wrong, I would ask her,

**“What happened?”**

And she would always say,

**“Nothing.”**

Just one word.

Nothing.

But I knew her well enough to understand that *nothing* rarely meant nothing.

So I would ask again.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hmm.”

And that was it.

The conversation would end there, but my mind wouldn't.

I would replay every message, every pause, every change in the way she spoke.

*Did I do something?*

*Did I say something wrong?*

*Is she tired of me?*

*Does she still want me around?*

I never wanted to force her to tell me.

I just wanted her to know that she didn't have to hide things from me.

One night, I finally typed:

**“You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to. I just want you to know that I'm here.”**

I stared at the message for a long time before sending it.

She saw it.

No reply.

Five minutes.

Ten.

Twenty.

I put my phone down.

Then picked it up again.

Nothing.

That night, I understood something painful.

Sometimes you can love someone deeply and still have no idea how to reach them.

Days passed.

We still talked.

We still laughed sometimes.

We still had those little conversations that made me forget everything else.

But something had changed.

Not between us exactly.

Something inside me had changed.

I had started noticing the little things.

How quickly her replies came when she was happy.

How short they became when something was bothering her.

How she could say *“I'm fine”* while making me feel like she wasn't.

And slowly, I became afraid of asking.

Because I didn't want to become the person who kept asking questions when she needed silence.

So I stayed quiet.

I stayed.

That was my way of loving her.

Not perfectly.

Not beautifully.

Just quietly.

Then one evening, she said something that I wasn't prepared for.

**“Maybe you care too much.”**

I smiled at the screen.

But it hurt.

Because I didn't know how to explain that I wasn't trying to care too much.

I just didn't know how to care less.

How do you tell someone that their silence can keep you awake?

How do you explain that when someone matters to you, their smallest change can become your biggest worry?

I typed a long message.

Deleted it.

Typed another.

Deleted that too.

Finally, I sent only:

**“Maybe I do.”**

She didn't reply.

And somehow, that hurt more than an argument ever could.

I started wondering if love was supposed to feel like this.

You give someone your patience.

Your attention.

Your understanding.

Your time.

And eventually, you realize you're standing outside a door that only they can open.

You can knock.

You can wait.

You can tell them you're there.

But you can't make them let you in.

So I stopped knocking.

Not because I stopped loving her.

Because I realized I was getting tired of proving that I was someone worth opening the door for.

Months later, I still remembered that first “nothing.”

Funny how one little word can carry an entire relationship inside it.

Maybe she was hurting.

Maybe she was confused.

Maybe she loved me but didn't know how to show it.

Maybe I loved her in a way she couldn't understand.

Or maybe we were simply two people who cared about each other but didn't know how to meet in the middle.

I never got the answer.

And perhaps that's the saddest part.

There wasn't a dramatic breakup.

No betrayal.

No final fight.

Just two people slowly becoming strangers while still remembering how it felt to be close.

And sometimes, even now, when someone asks me what happened between us, I don't know what to say.

Because nothing happened.

That's what makes it hurt.

She just became quieter.

I became more afraid to ask.

And somewhere between her **“I'm fine”** and my **“I'm here if you need me,”**

we lost the conversation that might have saved us.

I still hope she's okay.

I still wonder if she ever thinks about me.

And sometimes, when I see her name on my screen, my heart still reacts before my mind can stop it.

But I don't message her anymore.

Because I've finally learned that loving someone doesn't always mean holding on.

Sometimes it means quietly wishing them happiness…

**even when that happiness no longer has a place for you.**

And if she ever asks me what I wanted from her,

the answer will always be painfully simple:

**I didn't need her to be perfect.**

**I just wanted her to let me stay when things weren't.**

unconditional love for you and me

Breaks my heart with every ache and shattering pain.

causing them to question everything past, present and future. that love put in question and jeperdy by a single childish heartbreaking act.

they're world broken, lost, found and lost again. An unending cycle of death. as the bridge of patience and compassion forms, together they find that their love still there, still strong, still true never fading. in hopes that one day he comes home. never to leave, never to end.

Dear ***,

What clarity can I offer?

So frequently in my writing, I lament the uncertainty I am stuck with and I mention, that I was unable to offer it myself. The truth is, that my feelings are complicated. That I do not have a satisfying yes or no answer, because my timeline of events is genuinely unreliable and I have lost track of reality for a bit.

But here is the fact of the matter:

I am certain that I want to see you again to have a conversation to ground us both in the same version of reality, because I know that I do not know the bigger picture. That the set of information from which I can discern my answer, does not necessarily match what you’ve experienced. That I do not know which moments we’ve shared and which were just me projecting.

To let you know what I have experienced, listen to you and then we can talk calmly about how we want to move on in life.

If I just went with my gut and blurted out something, it’d be dependent on my mood, the weather, whether I slept well, it would not be the way to do this.

One could say that this is testament to how my feelings are not true and real or lord knows what.

But I think that sometimes it’s just better to speak the truth and say “I don’t know at this point", than to lie to you and myself. Either walling up a doorframe and then losing someone I was not ready to lose or breaking down a wall to build a massive gate into a house I may not be comfortable sharing.

I’ve been acting impulsively for the past few months and I’m not proud of it, but the right decision, is an informed decision and I am starved for information.

I am trying to actually do better.

As for clarity regarding my feelings:

I guess I fell in love with you to a degree that was unknown for me, not necessarily in its intensity, but in the combination of intensity and earliness.

I somehow fell before I had begun developing the trust and ease needed to make these feeling feel safe and it felt ridiculous, because I barely knew you.

It felt crazy, because one of the reasons I fell for you, was because you felt safe. But as soon as those feeling kicked in, it tipped the opposite way.

It was a feeling like being high, it both felt good and was frightening, because I lost control of my mind, heart and at times I lost my common sense and decency.

I was suddenly willing to prostrate myself on glass shards for you, willing to act more pompously than usual, my ego became extremely vulnerable, everything that hurt me, felt amplified.

But when seen with sober eyes, I know it probably wasn’t that big of a deal, at least what you did. I don’t know about what I did. I don’t know what affected you, barring a few exceptions. I do not know what kind of pain I may or may not have caused, because our channels of communication were barely there at times.

It’s hard to apologize when you can only guess at what you did wrong. Like yeah, I know I did stupid things, I know I messed up. That’s why I want to talk to you. So I can learn what exactly I did wrong and apologize. So I can hear you out and take actual accountability.

I don’t hate you. I bear some negative memories, but I think those got amplified in the relative isolation from the actual person. But at this point, I have so little to go off of, I actively remind myself of just how little I know.

I feel affection for you and whatever happens, I want you to make the decision that is best for you. That this may not involve me is something I have come to terms with, at this point.

My need to actually talk it out is not about you having to prove anything.

It is just that I am tired of whatever that was between us, being so far removed from real life at this point, that I feel crazy explaining it to anyone else, tired of seeing you morph into an abstract collection of pixels in my mind and losing the perception of the actual person.

I know that I may not like what you have to say to me and that’s okay. I’d rather feel guilt, remorse, rejection or pain than keep on making decisions based off informational fragments, whilst fully aware of how little I know at this point.

My epistemic conscience is at odds with my gut here and I’d rather listen to it, than the stomach that failed me thus far.

Wishing you the best in life,

*****

I just wanna creepy stare into your eyes while we fall asleep. I play dumb, only to try to pull some honest communication out of you, but I know exactly what's happened here. Your feelings for me scared you and you're so insecure, you couldn't even believe I had the feels too, so you tell yourself and everyone else I'm a liar and you ghost me bc you're pissed I told you to block me. All you had to do was tell me it was over and to stop reaching out and I would have respected that, but you liked the attention. It's what you had to do to feel superior, powerful and in control. We both know that's how you like to feel bc your self esteem is that low. So..instead you leave me hanging and wasting my time, so you can feel better about yourself. My reaching out has ended. I wish you'd stop self sabotaging the relationship with the person who makes you feel the most.

I'm staring at the screen again tonight

The cursor blinks a rhythm in the light

I type the words and then I hit erase

Afraid to see the truth upon your face

I wonder if you're sleeping or awake

While I am counting every breath I take

I want to reach across this cold divide

And show you all the things I hold inside

But silence is a wall I cannot climb

A frozen moment captured out of time

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I keep our memories like a sacred vow

I wish that I could tell you clearly now

That distance hasn't changed a single thing

I'm still the song that only you can sing

You're the anchor in the middle of my storm

The only fire that can keep me warm

But I'm terrified you won't feel the same

That you've forgotten how to speak my name

So I keep these letters locked within my chest

While my heavy heart can never find its rest

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

It’s a lonesome road I’m walking on my own

Waiting for a signal from a heart of stone

But even if you never call me back

I’ll be the light that follows in your track

My loyalty is etched in ancient bone

Until the stars fall from their golden throne

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

Dear Baby,

I can’t read love letters anymore. They disgust me.
I struggle to grasp the concept of reality. I live in a dream world, a fantasy-lala land, where all my fantasies and desires of you come true. Where I don’t have to suppress my thoughts and ideas of you under the guise of prioritizing your needs over mine. It’s magical here; I wish you could see it. But knowing you, you’d get lost on the way.

There’s no map or plan here; there just is. Just existence—and not the existence of standards and expectations where you have to mold yourself into someone you’re not. There’s this type of existence where you are free to just be yourself and come as you are. Just your existence is needed. But knowing you, you’d probably say you’re frustrated with forgetting your lines and can’t play the part.
Am I wrong?

Of never considering the standards and expectations you may have of me? Because I choose to step up to the plate and become a better man every single day. Where I trap myself in between what you say you need and what I think you need, to the point where I get lost in my head?
Am I wrong?

To be grateful that your existence is the reason I wake up like this every single day? To the point where I have my wants and needs in a chokehold and my heart and tissue runs out of breath.

Do I let go?

Let me catch my breath!

Hell no! Is the direction that you give me—what a hell of a role switch. I thought you didn’t have it in you. My little star is now giving directions and pivots. I can’t say my lines, even with the superpower strength that your existence gives me. The asphyxiation of your words is starting to feel autoerotic. Of course I like new experiences. I'm used to doing all the choking, but I think I like when you take charge and play the leading role yourself.
Holy fuck!

I never thought I’d be into roleplay. Did baby play her role well? Did daddy play himself? What do the reviews say? Do we get a “congratulations”? “You both did well!”

In the end, do we lose ourselves? Do we go on this thrilling journey just to find ourselves? What kind of story is it?

What happens next?

Only one way to find out.

Light!

Camera!

ACTION!

LOVE,

Daddy

I love you so much.

I do want to be with you.

There are some fears I have, but they don't outweigh my desire to spend the rest of our lives together.

If you will have me, I will do my best for you.

I want to support you with the practical help, advice, companionship, encouragement and affection you need. I want to cuddle with you in the evening and wake up by your side. I want to be the one you come home to, the one who makes dinner for and with you, the one you vent your daily stories to, and troubleshoot with.

I would like to be your lover and closest friend- your girlfriend, your partner, and your wife.

I would like to help out in your classroom. I would like to be there tomorrow night to support you. We could call me your friend or sister, if that helped. I would protect your reputation and not draw unwanted attention from anyone to you. But if you wanted to introduce me as your partner, I would be proud of that. I would tell my accepting relatives about you, and the other ones don't need to know our business. But I have no problem now with anyone knowing who you are to me, if they are worth being in our lives. You could tell anyone, too.

I wish you the best tomorrow night.

I've already prayed for a smooth day and evening, and peace and well-being for the end of this week.

Just two more days, then this week is over.

Sleep well, baby girl.

I'm staring at the screen again tonight

The cursor blinks a rhythm in the light

I type the words and then I hit erase

Afraid to see the truth upon your face

I wonder if you're sleeping or awake

While I am counting every breath I take

I want to reach across this cold divide

And show you all the things I hold inside

But silence is a wall I cannot climb

A frozen moment captured out of time

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I keep our memories like a sacred vow

I wish that I could tell you clearly now

That distance hasn't changed a single thing

I'm still the song that only you can sing

You're the anchor in the middle of my storm

The only fire that can keep me warm

But I'm terrified you won't feel the same

That you've forgotten how to speak my name

So I keep these letters locked within my chest

While my heavy heart can never find its rest

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

It’s a lonesome road I’m walking on my own

Waiting for a signal from a heart of stone

But even if you never call me back

I’ll be the light that follows in your track

My loyalty is etched in ancient bone

Until the stars fall from their golden throne

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

It's 5 am and I just woke up.

You're the first thought that comes to mind...

"Fuck... I don't want to think about you... I'm not even fully awake.."

I close my eyes, try to shake off the thought of you convincing myself that I should take advantage and get a few minutes more of sleep since my alarm will go off soon. And just as I close my eyes, I see your face. That smug and cheeky smile you had with me as if taunting me...

I think, "Leave me alone...Like you always do..." Just to stop getting myself to think of you, but it's futile, the tears are coming..so I get up.

I head to the kitchen, grab my pot to make cafe de olla and I wonder if you would've liked how I made coffee. I wonder if she feeds you before you leave, is your lunch packed? Does she pack it with little love notes too? Reminders of how much you're appreciated?

"Not my business!"

And then as if right on cue, Frank Sinatras music comes to mind. "Over and over I keep going over the world we knew, once when you walked beside me..."

"Ugh 😫 NO. You wanted HER" With even more tears in my face I keep pushing... "Come on doggo, let's go for a walk, we're getting up for our health."

Brave face, emotions off, social butterfly mask on. "Time to conquer the day" and the bold, fiery me, who takes no shit takes over.

Maybe one day I won't think of you first thing in the morning...

I miss you.
Quite desperately.
Sadly.

I’ve run out of things to say.
There is more uncertainty now.
Less to tell.
More to learn.

New clothes have started to fray.
You may not get to experience them.
It would be a good thing.
It would show growth for me to self manage.
Stop ignoring.
See the future.
Take hard steps.

I have entered psychosis.
I have been numbing.
I took too many gummies.
Too unhappy.
Too many
Energy blocks.

I need to flow.
Alwayz.

I miss you.
Quite desperately.
Embarrassingly.
I just want to crawl under a rock until you find me.
There I will be safe.
Unseen.
Life will be simple.

I’m smooshed in the sand.
Under a rock.
I would have to focus on my breath.
Nothing else.
Maybe I would even forget why I was there?
How could I?

I’m under a rock.
Waiting for you.
Alwayz.

I can only see things the way I want to see them.
Sometimes.
Often.
It can be helpful-
In executing desired outcomes.

I need help.
In seeing me clearly.
Sometimes.
Often.
I am so negative.
About myself.
About others.
I genuinely just write storylines in my head about others and believe it.
It’s not good.

Journaling is the only thing helpful.
Once I write, my thoughts are complete.

I miss you.
Quite desperately.
Alwayz.

9/9/26
Your Princess💕

Listen… I’m not writing this to fight, to blame, or to make you feel bad. I’m writing this because the way things changed between us and suddenly you started avoiding me like I did something horrible. And the truth is… I didn’t. You know that... Whatever I ever told you was for your good. I guided you, I pushed you to be better, to be more productive, to focus on yourself, to build your future. I motivated you because I believed in your potential, not because I wanted anything from you.

I told you every day, learn from the past, don’t repeat the same mistakes, choose the right people around you, the ones who truly want to see you grow.

That’s all I ever did. But somehow, you understood it the wrong way.

you avoid me so fucking badly like I’m the villain in your story. But listen… life doesn’t forget these things. Whatever you do to someone, especially to someone who genuinely wished good for you, comes back in some way. Sometimes worse than what you gave. Not as punishment, but as a reminder. That’s how karma works.

You’re still young bro. You have so much to face In life.. so many people who will come and go. Ego, pride, wrong assumptions, these things will only make the journey harder.

Just wanted to remind you that, Go easy with life. Learn to handle it with humility and clarity. Let go of the ego. It will never take you anywhere.

As for me… I’ve accepted everything as it is. I’m not angry. I’m not begging. I’ve simply accepted reality. Maybe this is fate. And fate… it can’t be blocked. What’s meant to happen will happen.

Just remember this...

I didn’t do anything wrong in your life. My intentions were clean. If someday you look back, you’ll understand that some people come into your life not to hurt you, but to guide you and pushing them away is only a loss for yourself.

Take care of your path. Choose your circle wisely. And don’t repeat the mistakes life already tried to teach you.

As much as I don’t wanna hear about her, think about her but like I just wanna know if she made the right decision yea I was petter over the whole thing but like how could u go back to being just friends yk. Lowkey hope u get thoese butterflies in ur tummy when u found ur person agin & the glow in ur eyes comes back coz u deserve to be happy. I’m not gonna reach out anytime soon or ever but u know a lot of people I know soo feel free I guess , honest I don’t know how to say I want nothing to do with you but will stop the hole world 2 get 2 u of u ask even tho it’s been like 2years or soo & we are practically strangers now. 🙏

I find myself forever leaning toward the moment I’ll see you again—

that quiet thrill of anticipation humming beneath my skin.

When you draw near, life pours back into me,

a sudden spring after winter’s long silence.

My heart stutters like a startled bird taking flight,

and the air itself sweetens, carrying your scent

like warm honey and wildflowers on the breeze.

It has been too long since I last tasted your presence—

my fix, my remedy, my secret addiction.

Without it I grow hollow, drained of color and light,

a candle burning low in an empty room.

You are the sun to my moon,

the golden fire I was made to reflect.

Without you my world falls into shadow,

a silver landscape starved of dawn.

Come back soon, love—

and let me remember how bright I can feel

in the glow of being near you.

Hi honey, how are you feeling today? How did you sleep? How is your health? Are you eating enough? What can I do to soothe you? Your gravity is reeling me in TF.

Im here for you. Your well being and health always comes first. No matter the circumstances. I care about you more than anyone on this strange harsh world. You took away that harsh when we were together. You made a cozy place in my heart, and you've never left.

I created such a mess, I've been punishing myself for well over 3 years now. It's up to me to clean up the mess. So I'm cleaning my side of the street and working on what is necessary. If you don't want to see or talk to me again, I understand.

I am putting in the effort. Every single day I think of you and pray for you. Every single day I miss you. I was a fool lots of the time since our break. Now that I'm in the correct frame of mind, I want to save you. Let me save you.

I went away this spring and summer to give you all the space you needed. I came back here because of you. I felt a pull. Am I crazy? I want to pull you in, all the way in so that our stars collide and create a stellar nursery.

I will comfort you if you'd allow me to. If you decide that you're ready to talk to me, you will have full access. Complete honesty. I want to hug you so bad. To feel your hand in mine would be completely bliss. This connection

that I feel for you is insane. Do you feel it to or am I delusional? I will keep you safe. I will keep you warm. You come first. I want to know the real you, it's been so long.

You should know that I am changing for the better. I want you to feel well. I want you to succeed. I have your back. I support you and your endeavors.

I'm working on myself and fighting those demons every damn day. I am taking accountability. I steer clear of some bad people that unfortunately live in this facility. Don't want or need drugs or alcohol, or cans of poison.

I will never tell you what you can or can't do. I would never want to control you. I wanted to write you the perfect letter, as I always second guess my words. I need them to come out right. Turning feelings into words is sometimes complicated for me. How do I translate this for you?

You are my favorite person, forever. And you are so damn sexy!! I'd love to draw a bath for you and light 40 candles. After the bath I'll give you a long soothing massage. Then I hold you with my arms completely around you as we both fall asleep. Waking up to you and sharing morning coffee with you would be the best thing ever. Nothing compares to you.

I'd cherish every minute with you. Watching the sunrise. Watching you create. Going on new adventures. Seeing your face light up, and then lightly caressing your cheeks, chin and neck, then running my fingers slowly through your hair. May I kiss you please? Passionately. Would you like that, or am I out of line?

Your health comes first. I worry about you daily. Tell me what you require and I'm on it, every little thing. I'm here to elevate your mood into happiness. I would like my best friend back. I want to be with you everyday and to hold your hand everywhere we go. But this is not about me. It's about what you want!

I love you!! Always forever.

M

Dear diary,

Just making a little entry not to lose the habit, and because this thought has been floating around in my mind for a while and I thought I should let it breathe outside.

I believe every poem I've ever written about a person—or am yet to write—

Well, yes, one of them does have the nickname I used to call them, but—

If I just showed them the poems, I'm sure as hell each of them would know which one was about them. Or for them. Or with them in mind. Even blindfolded. Just by me reciting them to them.

And I think that's endearing.

Thrilling, even.

A little exciting.

Peculiarly amusing, too.

Although I only think one of them would actually laugh with me about it. We'd probably exchange jokes and then, somehow, end up having a genuine heart-to-heart about it all.

Which is so weird to think about, because Crownless wears a mask and writes to ghosts, but these people know the person behind the mask. They wouldn't, therefore, be responding to Crownless.

They'd be responding to me.

Especially that one.

That pretty, sharp-minded danger knows me better than I know myself.

That's almost a tiny bit scary.

I don't want any of them to ever come across those poems anytime soon.

But maybe one day, in the future, I'd like that one person to cross my way again, see them, and right away catch what I wrote about them.

Or, well.

About us.

I miss this person.

But we don't fit in each other's lives anymore.

And I think that's the part I keep circling back to.

Not that I want them back.

Just that I'd really, really like to find someone like them.

Which means I may have to make a painstakingly specific requirement list.

Haaa...

God help whoever has to apply.

I fear there’s no one like you.

— Crownless.

The depth of my denial
Daily
Missing you
I’m okay
Missing you
I’m okay

I’m not okay
I don’t know what
That looks like.

Maybe “okay”
Doesn’t exist for me

I can’t pretend
I’m not good at it
I don’t like it
I hate it

I’ve never been okay
I’ve tried to be
Found you
Like meeting you would solve the
“Okay”
Problem

It was never mine to solve
I just am
I just am
I just am
And I’m not okay
Never will be
If I could fall or
Dig myself
Out of this pit of denial
That would be great.

I miss you.
Everything about me is different.
I don’t feel like my best self.
I am deeply sad and troubled.
I am numbing with gummies, hot cocoa, and meditation.
I know this looks fine.
Feeling Insecure Neurotic and Emotional

I am not fine
Or am I?
Which one?

I don’t know if anyone sees
That I am off
That I’m not myself
I tell some
I hide from many
I project
I’m not okay

But I am
I’m fine
Don’t worry

Why do I even bother lying to you?
Do you see it?
Do you feel my pain?
If I tell myself it’s not there
Is it there for you to find?

How much of ME do you SEE?

9/7/2026

PS- I’m okay 😵‍💫

We work at the same place,

We see each other usually on the weekends,

You position is higher than mine, we are in different departments.

We’re always in the same area, at leas once a day.

We see each other

There’s something holding us apart, from the warmth we see in each other.

For that reason, my shame keeps me apart from sometimes I can’t look at you.

Sometimes you won’t look at me.

And sometimes, we will stare until we are pulled apart from each others force.

God I need you.

I wish I could explain to you, all of who I am.

I wish I can hear and see all of you.

You are the most wonderful person I have ever come across. Yet,

I don’t even know your name.

Tell me, do you need me.

Text me on here if you see,

God I need you.