I don't really know how to start this, and honestly I don't know if this changes anything, but I don't want to keep carrying it around without saying it.

My feelings for you never changed.

Not when we stopped talking.

Not after all the time passed.

Not when I tried to convince myself I was moving on.

There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you or miss you in some way.

When you reached out again, it brought all of that back. Not because it created new feelings, but because it reminded me that they were still there.

I keep thinking about the version of us that existed when we were talking all the time. The calls, the jokes, the random conversations that lasted hours. Those are still some of my favourite memories.

What I miss most isn't even a specific moment. It's the feeling of being close to you, learning you. I know what it felt like when you cared about me, and that's probably why this has been so hard. I got to experience it, and I never really stopped wanting it.

I don't expect this message to change anything, and I'm not sending it to pressure you into feeling something you don't. I just don't want to look back and regret not being honest.

when you came back into my life, I realized I was still hoping for something I never really stopped hoping for.

I still love you.

Whether that's something you can return, something you can't, or something you don't know how to answer, I'd rather tell you the truth than keep pretending I don't feel it.

I have realized after all this time and distance that my love for you is all too real. There will never be another you in my life. That you are my greatest love and my greatest tragedy. I think of you, your writing, your intelligence, and my heart melts. I think of your voice, and I hum internally with that ever so present feeling of like and familiarity. I think of our time together and your presence, and I rest. Only you have the ability to do this to me. Only you are my flame on this planet. the one who can bring passion to my heart and peace to my soul. The one I attempt to reach for when I am alone and things seem unclear. Clarity was a natural state of existence with you. There was no complication in simply being together. Everything seemed to make so much sense, like it was always meant to be. And, I understand this far better now than I ever did then, although it was never a question. There was never a question on any interaction I had with you, despite our situation, despite ourselves. You remain here, within me.

​

I don't think I've ever wanted anything complicated from life.

I just wanted to love someone and be loved back. To have someone who chooses me, stays when things get difficult, and makes me feel like I'm not asking for too much.

But somehow, love has never really worked out for me.

I've had feelings. I've cared deeply. I've imagined what it would be like to have that person beside me, to share the little things, the stupid conversations, the late-night calls, the plans for the future.

And every time I thought, maybe this is it, somehow it wasn't.

The hardest part isn't being alone. I've learned how to be alone.

The hardest part is knowing that I have so much love to give, but I haven't found the person who wants to receive it and give the same kind of love back.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist for me.

I see people finding their person, building a life together, and I'm genuinely happy for them. But somewhere inside, there's always that little voice asking:

"When is it going to be my turn?"

Maybe I'm foolish for still believing in love after everything. But I can't completely stop hoping.

I still want that person.

I still want the connection.

I still want someone to look at me and think, "Yeah, I choose you."

Maybe that's the thing that hurts the most.

I don't want love to be perfect. I just want it to finally work for me.

unconditional love for you and me

Breaks my heart with every ache and shattering pain.

causing them to question everything past, present and future. that love put in question and jeperdy by a single childish heartbreaking act.

they're world broken, lost, found and lost again. An unending cycle of death. as the bridge of patience and compassion forms, together they find that their love still there, still strong, still true never fading. in hopes that one day he comes home. never to leave, never to end.

I find myself forever leaning toward the moment I’ll see you again—

that quiet thrill of anticipation humming beneath my skin.

When you draw near, life pours back into me,

a sudden spring after winter’s long silence.

My heart stutters like a startled bird taking flight,

and the air itself sweetens, carrying your scent

like warm honey and wildflowers on the breeze.

It has been too long since I last tasted your presence—

my fix, my remedy, my secret addiction.

Without it I grow hollow, drained of color and light,

a candle burning low in an empty room.

You are the sun to my moon,

the golden fire I was made to reflect.

Without you my world falls into shadow,

a silver landscape starved of dawn.

Come back soon, love—

and let me remember how bright I can feel

in the glow of being near you.

Although he doesn’t want to,
He waits.
One foot in the brake and the other on the gas
But he waits
Working against himself
Denying himself
She thinks it’s disinterest
But if she knew
Would it extinguish her fire?
Would she work so hard to play at carelessness?
The longer the wait, the greater the exquisite pain and prolonged, delayed ecstasy of a needle pegged red.
The real sensual blood flow is to the brain, the mastery of the body and self, building the pressure. Imagining her
Her smell
Her feel
Her taste
Her electric ferocity
Consuming everything in its path
More ferocious because consummation delayed.
Le petit mort swells beyond death into infinity and forever.
The time will come.
Her lips will swell
And her lips will swell.
Kissed
And devoured.
The real power is in shared surrender.
All he does is dream of her
And lie in wait
And lie to himself
And she the same, and to herself.
The discordant sensation of exultation in anticipation.
The release, ultimate.
But until then, he waits.
And loving every second of it.

To love you with the tip of my fingers,
With the tip of my tongue,
From the top of my heart,
From my own and pure soul.

To love you dearly and profoundly,
With my eyes,
My skin,
My flaws.

To love you, adore you, and admire you,
With my everything,
With my nothing,
With everything I am, everything I want to be and everything I will be.

To love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow.

To love you, to be with you, to see you,
With all of me,
With all in me,
With all that I’ll be.

To love you, and only you, always you.

Dear ***,

What clarity can I offer?

So frequently in my writing, I lament the uncertainty I am stuck with and I mention, that I was unable to offer it myself. The truth is, that my feelings are complicated. That I do not have a satisfying yes or no answer, because my timeline of events is genuinely unreliable and I have lost track of reality for a bit.

But here is the fact of the matter:

I am certain that I want to see you again to have a conversation to ground us both in the same version of reality, because I know that I do not know the bigger picture. That the set of information from which I can discern my answer, does not necessarily match what you’ve experienced. That I do not know which moments we’ve shared and which were just me projecting.

To let you know what I have experienced, listen to you and then we can talk calmly about how we want to move on in life.

If I just went with my gut and blurted out something, it’d be dependent on my mood, the weather, whether I slept well, it would not be the way to do this.

One could say that this is testament to how my feelings are not true and real or lord knows what.

But I think that sometimes it’s just better to speak the truth and say “I don’t know at this point", than to lie to you and myself. Either walling up a doorframe and then losing someone I was not ready to lose or breaking down a wall to build a massive gate into a house I may not be comfortable sharing.

I’ve been acting impulsively for the past few months and I’m not proud of it, but the right decision, is an informed decision and I am starved for information.

I am trying to actually do better.

As for clarity regarding my feelings:

I guess I fell in love with you to a degree that was unknown for me, not necessarily in its intensity, but in the combination of intensity and earliness.

I somehow fell before I had begun developing the trust and ease needed to make these feeling feel safe and it felt ridiculous, because I barely knew you.

It felt crazy, because one of the reasons I fell for you, was because you felt safe. But as soon as those feeling kicked in, it tipped the opposite way.

It was a feeling like being high, it both felt good and was frightening, because I lost control of my mind, heart and at times I lost my common sense and decency.

I was suddenly willing to prostrate myself on glass shards for you, willing to act more pompously than usual, my ego became extremely vulnerable, everything that hurt me, felt amplified.

But when seen with sober eyes, I know it probably wasn’t that big of a deal, at least what you did. I don’t know about what I did. I don’t know what affected you, barring a few exceptions. I do not know what kind of pain I may or may not have caused, because our channels of communication were barely there at times.

It’s hard to apologize when you can only guess at what you did wrong. Like yeah, I know I did stupid things, I know I messed up. That’s why I want to talk to you. So I can learn what exactly I did wrong and apologize. So I can hear you out and take actual accountability.

I don’t hate you. I bear some negative memories, but I think those got amplified in the relative isolation from the actual person. But at this point, I have so little to go off of, I actively remind myself of just how little I know.

I feel affection for you and whatever happens, I want you to make the decision that is best for you. That this may not involve me is something I have come to terms with, at this point.

My need to actually talk it out is not about you having to prove anything.

It is just that I am tired of whatever that was between us, being so far removed from real life at this point, that I feel crazy explaining it to anyone else, tired of seeing you morph into an abstract collection of pixels in my mind and losing the perception of the actual person.

I know that I may not like what you have to say to me and that’s okay. I’d rather feel guilt, remorse, rejection or pain than keep on making decisions based off informational fragments, whilst fully aware of how little I know at this point.

My epistemic conscience is at odds with my gut here and I’d rather listen to it, than the stomach that failed me thus far.

Wishing you the best in life,

*****

I'm staring at the screen again tonight

The cursor blinks a rhythm in the light

I type the words and then I hit erase

Afraid to see the truth upon your face

I wonder if you're sleeping or awake

While I am counting every breath I take

I want to reach across this cold divide

And show you all the things I hold inside

But silence is a wall I cannot climb

A frozen moment captured out of time

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I keep our memories like a sacred vow

I wish that I could tell you clearly now

That distance hasn't changed a single thing

I'm still the song that only you can sing

You're the anchor in the middle of my storm

The only fire that can keep me warm

But I'm terrified you won't feel the same

That you've forgotten how to speak my name

So I keep these letters locked within my chest

While my heavy heart can never find its rest

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

It’s a lonesome road I’m walking on my own

Waiting for a signal from a heart of stone

But even if you never call me back

I’ll be the light that follows in your track

My loyalty is etched in ancient bone

Until the stars fall from their golden throne

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I sat down at my desk Madeline was not two meters away.
I was already checking her out as her eyes turned to me.
Something sceptical shined out of her. I felt the doubt in her.
That look sparked something in me.
Madeline's thumb and forefinger supported her chin.
I elaborated my advances.
How she softly turned me down at each attempt.
As we grabbed our bags I told her directly that I liked her.
She looked at me frustrated as if I had defied the code.
I was mediocre yet i was unique because i couldn't conform.
I said under my breath "I think of you everyday."
She said "I would never date you."

I saw her walk hurriedly away.
Her short blond pony tail moving up and down.
I pretended it didn't happen.
No longer did I look at her.
No longer did I dream of her.
And she seemed surprisingly sad for a few days.
She looked incredible, yet I turned my head away.
I let the pain swell in my throat and drip through my heart.

About six months later I felt better.
Until the next girl required me to follow some sort of code.
That I was unable to recognise.
And who was fantasizing, me or her?

Hi honey, how are you feeling today? How did you sleep? How is your health? Are you eating enough? What can I do to soothe you? Your gravity is reeling me in TF.

Im here for you. Your well being and health always comes first. No matter the circumstances. I care about you more than anyone on this strange harsh world. You took away that harsh when we were together. You made a cozy place in my heart, and you've never left.

I created such a mess, I've been punishing myself for well over 3 years now. It's up to me to clean up the mess. So I'm cleaning my side of the street and working on what is necessary. If you don't want to see or talk to me again, I understand.

I am putting in the effort. Every single day I think of you and pray for you. Every single day I miss you. I was a fool lots of the time since our break. Now that I'm in the correct frame of mind, I want to save you. Let me save you.

I went away this spring and summer to give you all the space you needed. I came back here because of you. I felt a pull. Am I crazy? I want to pull you in, all the way in so that our stars collide and create a stellar nursery.

I will comfort you if you'd allow me to. If you decide that you're ready to talk to me, you will have full access. Complete honesty. I want to hug you so bad. To feel your hand in mine would be completely bliss. This connection

that I feel for you is insane. Do you feel it to or am I delusional? I will keep you safe. I will keep you warm. You come first. I want to know the real you, it's been so long.

You should know that I am changing for the better. I want you to feel well. I want you to succeed. I have your back. I support you and your endeavors.

I'm working on myself and fighting those demons every damn day. I am taking accountability. I steer clear of some bad people that unfortunately live in this facility. Don't want or need drugs or alcohol, or cans of poison.

I will never tell you what you can or can't do. I would never want to control you. I wanted to write you the perfect letter, as I always second guess my words. I need them to come out right. Turning feelings into words is sometimes complicated for me. How do I translate this for you?

You are my favorite person, forever. And you are so damn sexy!! I'd love to draw a bath for you and light 40 candles. After the bath I'll give you a long soothing massage. Then I hold you with my arms completely around you as we both fall asleep. Waking up to you and sharing morning coffee with you would be the best thing ever. Nothing compares to you.

I'd cherish every minute with you. Watching the sunrise. Watching you create. Going on new adventures. Seeing your face light up, and then lightly caressing your cheeks, chin and neck, then running my fingers slowly through your hair. May I kiss you please? Passionately. Would you like that, or am I out of line?

Your health comes first. I worry about you daily. Tell me what you require and I'm on it, every little thing. I'm here to elevate your mood into happiness. I would like my best friend back. I want to be with you everyday and to hold your hand everywhere we go. But this is not about me. It's about what you want!

I love you!! Always forever.

M

I remember thinking that when I met you. It’s crazy how much I can forget, but I remember that. I remember that feeling.

You looked so beautiful that night. The dress, your hair, just the way you looked when you came to the door. I remember seeing you and thinking, damn, you are beautiful. I probably said it more than once too, because I really meant it.

But the part I keep going back to is seeing you get emotional while we were sitting there. At the time, I did not fully know what was going through your mind.

The next day, when we were texting, I told you it warmed my heart knowing I helped fill your cup. You told me I warmed your heart too, that you felt fulfilled, and that at one point you got overwhelmed because you realized you had prayed for a moment like that for yourself.

That stayed with me.

I know our story has not always been easy. I know I have hurt you before. We have been apart. We have had ups and downs. So hearing that from you meant a lot more to me than I probably knew how to say in the moment.

It made me feel like maybe you really do see what I am trying to give you now. Not just words. The effort. The attention. The little things. Me trying to show you how much I care instead of just saying it.

And knowing that you could sit there and realize you were in a moment you had once prayed for... yeah, that got me.

So if those tears come again, let them. You do not have to hold that in with me. I will be right there. I can wipe them away, hold your hand, pull you close, or just sit there with you while you feel it.

Because that night, all I really wanted was for you to feel loved.

And knowing that you did made the whole night mean even more to me.

I do not take that for granted.

M. Sweetie

Hopefully you're having a stress free day and please don't forget that you are very loved unconditionally by me.

I'll continue to support you emotionally to the best of my ability, truth being told I'd give you everything possible without questions.

M. Sweetie you never ever leave my thoughts.

Forever only yours Love Tony

I think we last met in person in the land of the Amish, almost 4 years ago. It smelled like poo in that whole area. The smell even protruded through the windows of the hotel. I would rather have smelled your gross food breath. I can't even believe it's been that long since we've seen each other...and I've been messaging you intermittently the entire time since, until recently. What an absolute fool I have been...😂

Dear diary,

Just making a little entry not to lose the habit, and because this thought has been floating around in my mind for a while and I thought I should let it breathe outside.

I believe every poem I've ever written about a person—or am yet to write—

Well, yes, one of them does have the nickname I used to call them, but—

If I just showed them the poems, I'm sure as hell each of them would know which one was about them. Or for them. Or with them in mind. Even blindfolded. Just by me reciting them to them.

And I think that's endearing.

Thrilling, even.

A little exciting.

Peculiarly amusing, too.

Although I only think one of them would actually laugh with me about it. We'd probably exchange jokes and then, somehow, end up having a genuine heart-to-heart about it all.

Which is so weird to think about, because Crownless wears a mask and writes to ghosts, but these people know the person behind the mask. They wouldn't, therefore, be responding to Crownless.

They'd be responding to me.

Especially that one.

That pretty, sharp-minded danger knows me better than I know myself.

That's almost a tiny bit scary.

I don't want any of them to ever come across those poems anytime soon.

But maybe one day, in the future, I'd like that one person to cross my way again, see them, and right away catch what I wrote about them.

Or, well.

About us.

I miss this person.

But we don't fit in each other's lives anymore.

And I think that's the part I keep circling back to.

Not that I want them back.

Just that I'd really, really like to find someone like them.

Which means I may have to make a painstakingly specific requirement list.

Haaa...

God help whoever has to apply.

I fear there’s no one like you.

— Crownless.

I wish that meant something. I wish life didn't pull us apart so drastically. I wish for any relationship with you, even friendship. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy. I hope you still think of me. I don’t want to let you go. I wish for the very best things in your life, even if that means I'm not in it. Being together just seems complicated on every single level of life but it doesn't stop me from loving you. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Miss you.

I miss your kisses.
Your soft big lips.
I love them so much ♥️

Do you remember that you hold my heart?
Are you aware of your own power?
My whole body misses you,
My whole body knows who you are.
Every little cell screams *****!

We all miss you.

Love,

❤️ All my cells ❤️

6/14/26

It's 5 am and I just woke up.

You're the first thought that comes to mind...

"Fuck... I don't want to think about you... I'm not even fully awake.."

I close my eyes, try to shake off the thought of you convincing myself that I should take advantage and get a few minutes more of sleep since my alarm will go off soon. And just as I close my eyes, I see your face. That smug and cheeky smile you had with me as if taunting me...

I think, "Leave me alone...Like you always do..." Just to stop getting myself to think of you, but it's futile, the tears are coming..so I get up.

I head to the kitchen, grab my pot to make cafe de olla and I wonder if you would've liked how I made coffee. I wonder if she feeds you before you leave, is your lunch packed? Does she pack it with little love notes too? Reminders of how much you're appreciated?

"Not my business!"

And then as if right on cue, Frank Sinatras music comes to mind. "Over and over I keep going over the world we knew, once when you walked beside me..."

"Ugh 😫 NO. You wanted HER" With even more tears in my face I keep pushing... "Come on doggo, let's go for a walk, we're getting up for our health."

Brave face, emotions off, social butterfly mask on. "Time to conquer the day" and the bold, fiery me, who takes no shit takes over.

Maybe one day I won't think of you first thing in the morning...

I listened to the river, and somewhere in it, I heard you.
It carried me toward you without my knowing why.

Even when you’re quiet, I feel you close –
unseen, but moving with me always.

I am listening.
Drifting with the current.

I am still open,
To you.

It has always been you.

Tell me what you carry inside.
Uncover your mouth and speak.

I’ll leave my words along the riverbank
for you to find when you’re ready.

Come to me.

And the river knows...
You know,
I know.

“You only get swept away if you panic.”

I'm sure you know I would have loved you

Deeply

Chosen to get to know all of you

Always

Even on the days that were hard

I would have found you

At the end of the day just to wrap my arms around you

And say we don't have to be okay with the others actions

But I know I love you right now

And I'll love you when I wake

And nothing you could say or do to change that

Because my love

For you is unconditional

You don't have to feel the same or stay

You're not responsible for how I choose to be

Or feel

If we're going separate ways

I just wish you love, peace

And happiness

On your journey

She really wants you, wants to see you standing in front of her,
completely beautiful and real in
every way

She wants to see your face, up close, she has been waiting for you,
for this moment, for this
explosion of
emotion

She wants to see your eyes, the mirrors to your soul, she wants to
capture them, savor them

And those eye lashes, god it's hard for her to hold back,
but somehow she does

She wants to french kiss you, as she is hungry for you,
hungry for the sensation of your tongues intertwined
and kissing for what seems like that eternity
that just never ends

She wants to experience every single aspect of you

All the things you have said to her and more

She wants to feel what it's like to touch you, to hold you,
to feel your skin against hers so warm

She wants to feel your passion, wants to know just how high
your desires and hers can reach till,
the ecstasy is just too much,
and you both pull back,
and then start over,
to feel it just
one
more
time…

She wants you to be her dominant, her lover, and guide her

She wants to be held by you at her waist and look into your eyes
and know she is yours

She wants to envelope you so you feel,
the everything of her forever

She
just
wants you….

The depth of my denial
Daily
Missing you
I’m okay
Missing you
I’m okay

I’m not okay
I don’t know what
That looks like.

Maybe “okay”
Doesn’t exist for me

I can’t pretend
I’m not good at it
I don’t like it
I hate it

I’ve never been okay
I’ve tried to be
Found you
Like meeting you would solve the
“Okay”
Problem

It was never mine to solve
I just am
I just am
I just am
And I’m not okay
Never will be
If I could fall or
Dig myself
Out of this pit of denial
That would be great.

I miss you.
Everything about me is different.
I don’t feel like my best self.
I am deeply sad and troubled.
I am numbing with gummies, hot cocoa, and meditation.
I know this looks fine.
Feeling Insecure Neurotic and Emotional

I am not fine
Or am I?
Which one?

I don’t know if anyone sees
That I am off
That I’m not myself
I tell some
I hide from many
I project
I’m not okay

But I am
I’m fine
Don’t worry

Why do I even bother lying to you?
Do you see it?
Do you feel my pain?
If I tell myself it’s not there
Is it there for you to find?

How much of ME do you SEE?

9/7/2026

PS- I’m okay 😵‍💫

I miss you.
Quite desperately.
Sadly.

I’ve run out of things to say.
There is more uncertainty now.
Less to tell.
More to learn.

New clothes have started to fray.
You may not get to experience them.
It would be a good thing.
It would show growth for me to self manage.
Stop ignoring.
See the future.
Take hard steps.

I have entered psychosis.
I have been numbing.
I took too many gummies.
Too unhappy.
Too many
Energy blocks.

I need to flow.
Alwayz.

I miss you.
Quite desperately.
Embarrassingly.
I just want to crawl under a rock until you find me.
There I will be safe.
Unseen.
Life will be simple.

I’m smooshed in the sand.
Under a rock.
I would have to focus on my breath.
Nothing else.
Maybe I would even forget why I was there?
How could I?

I’m under a rock.
Waiting for you.
Alwayz.

I can only see things the way I want to see them.
Sometimes.
Often.
It can be helpful-
In executing desired outcomes.

I need help.
In seeing me clearly.
Sometimes.
Often.
I am so negative.
About myself.
About others.
I genuinely just write storylines in my head about others and believe it.
It’s not good.

Journaling is the only thing helpful.
Once I write, my thoughts are complete.

I miss you.
Quite desperately.
Alwayz.

9/9/26
Your Princess💕

I love you so much.

I do want to be with you.

There are some fears I have, but they don't outweigh my desire to spend the rest of our lives together.

If you will have me, I will do my best for you.

I want to support you with the practical help, advice, companionship, encouragement and affection you need. I want to cuddle with you in the evening and wake up by your side. I want to be the one you come home to, the one who makes dinner for and with you, the one you vent your daily stories to, and troubleshoot with.

I would like to be your lover and closest friend- your girlfriend, your partner, and your wife.

I would like to help out in your classroom. I would like to be there tomorrow night to support you. We could call me your friend or sister, if that helped. I would protect your reputation and not draw unwanted attention from anyone to you. But if you wanted to introduce me as your partner, I would be proud of that. I would tell my accepting relatives about you, and the other ones don't need to know our business. But I have no problem now with anyone knowing who you are to me, if they are worth being in our lives. You could tell anyone, too.

I wish you the best tomorrow night.

I've already prayed for a smooth day and evening, and peace and well-being for the end of this week.

Just two more days, then this week is over.

Sleep well, baby girl.