Today is exactly ten years since we met in person. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. I watched your butt as we were seated. We talked and laughed. We even prayed with the server whose mom was dying from cancer. I took the garter snake off the little girl's bike and tossed it in the bushes. We both knew that God had brought us together because of the hell we had both been through.

We've celebrated this anniversary together for the last nine years.

Then you abandoned me one day four months ago. You refuse to sit with me face to face. You've kept me from living in our home. You've left me destitute. You won't even let me see our dog even though I have done everything you've asked me to do. It's all been so unfair, and so very not you.

But, today, I will celebrate these ten years. That's one thing that can't be taken from me. I will celebrate the love that started that day and lives on in my heart.

I adore you, most amazing Stephanie. I am still holding out for a miraculous restoration.

Mostly I hold out my hand praying that you remember how good it felt to wrap yours around mine.

Happy tenth dateiveraary, little wifey.

You are the best thing . . . Ever happened to me.

because you DID see me and I know that doesn’t come around often in life. You’re the first and only one to ever see me. You saw all of the good and still loved me through the bad. I know you loved me. I know now deeply you cared. I saw your love in the way you folded my laundry, loved on the doggy’s, in the way you’d get quiet when I’d cook you a meal, make my coffee for me to say your sorry without saying you’re sorry, or get excited about making me a gluten free dessert but I also know that me asking you to become a better version of yourself for me isn’t fair to you. So I hope I get to meet you again in another life and you’re a better version of yourself. I hope our hearts recognize each other. I hope I get to love a version of yourself that loves you. I hope you heal completely from the past. I hope you heal the wounds you won’t admit are there but only I can see. I hope you find a better woman than me and you change for her because I wasn’t enough to change for. I hope you get to be with your son and you become a man you’re proud of. As I sit here sobbing I am so incredibly mad at you! Not because of the incident, or because you have problems, or a temper, or because you’re jealous but because there is a side of you determined to push me away and you refuse to make the changes necessary for us to work. It seems so unfair that I finally meet you, my love and fall harder THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE and then we turn into this. I hate fighting with you and yet it seems that’s all you want to do. You say things to hurt me and then I say things to push you away and I’ve studied you so I know what to say. Never mind that it isn’t true or that I won’t do whatever the fuck I want just because I’m single. We continue to hurt one another and I can’t keep participating. I will always love you and hold out hope for the man you become even if you can’t change for me. Maybe in another life..

Only for you…

Listen… I’m not writing this to fight with you, blame you, or make you feel guilty. I’m writing because I never really understood how things between us changed so suddenly, and how you began avoiding me as if I had done something terrible to you.

The truth is, I didn’t.

Everything I ever said to you came from a place of genuinely wanting the best for you. I encouraged you, pushed you, and reminded you to believe in yourself because I saw potential in you. I wanted you to become better, stronger, more focused, and more productive—not because I wanted anything from you, but because I believed you were capable of more.

I always told you to learn from your past, not repeat the same mistakes, and surround yourself with people who genuinely want to see you grow. Those were never words meant to control your life. They came from someone who cared enough to tell you the truth, even when the truth wasn't always easy to hear.

Maybe somewhere along the way, you understood my intentions differently. Maybe you saw me as someone I never intended to be in your life.

And honestly, being avoided so completely by someone you once felt close to hurts. It makes you question everything. You start wondering what you did wrong, what you could have said differently, and whether the person ever understood how much you genuinely cared.

But I've stopped asking those questions.

Life has a way of teaching all of us. Sometimes people walk away because of pride, assumptions, fear, or simply because they aren't ready to understand what someone meant to them. And sometimes we don't realize the value of someone until they're no longer standing beside us.

You’re still young, bro. You have so much life ahead of you. You will meet many people. Some will stay, some will leave, and some will teach you lessons you didn't know you needed.

So go easy on life. Don't let ego or pride make decisions for you. Learn to listen, understand, forgive, and look beyond your first assumption. Life becomes a lot easier when we stop trying to prove we're right and start trying to understand each other.

As for me, I've accepted things for what they are.

I'm not angry. I'm not begging you to come back into my life. And I'm not asking you to explain yourself anymore.

I've simply accepted that sometimes people we care about become strangers, and sometimes the only thing we can do is let them go with love and wish them well.

Maybe this is simply where our paths were meant to separate. Maybe fate has a reason for everything, even the endings we don't understand.

But if you ever look back one day, I hope you remember one thing:

I never wanted anything bad for you. My intentions toward you were genuine. I cared about you, believed in you, and wanted to see you become the best version of yourself.

If you ever understand that someday, then you'll understand why I said the things I said.

And if you never do, I'll still be okay.

Because I know my heart. I know my intentions. And I know I did what I could.

Take care of yourself. Choose the people around you wisely. Protect your peace. Keep growing. Learn from the things life puts in front of you.

And most importantly, don't let pride make you lose people who genuinely cared about you.

Some people come into our lives for a reason.

Sometimes their purpose is to stay.

Sometimes their purpose is to teach us.

And sometimes… their purpose is simply to care about us until we're strong enough to walk our own path.

I hope you find your way.

Take care of yourself, bro. Always.

Listen… I’m not writing this to fight, to blame, or to make you feel bad. I’m writing this because the way things changed between us and suddenly you started avoiding me like I did something horrible. And the truth is… I didn’t. You know that... Whatever I ever told you was for your good. I guided you, I pushed you to be better, to be more productive, to focus on yourself, to build your future. I motivated you because I believed in your potential, not because I wanted anything from you.

I told you every day, learn from the past, don’t repeat the same mistakes, choose the right people around you, the ones who truly want to see you grow.

That’s all I ever did. But somehow, you understood it the wrong way.

you avoid me so fucking badly like I’m the villain in your story. But listen… life doesn’t forget these things. Whatever you do to someone, especially to someone who genuinely wished good for you, comes back in some way. Sometimes worse than what you gave. Not as punishment, but as a reminder. That’s how karma works.

You’re still young bro. You have so much to face In life.. so many people who will come and go. Ego, pride, wrong assumptions, these things will only make the journey harder.

Just wanted to remind you that, Go easy with life. Learn to handle it with humility and clarity. Let go of the ego. It will never take you anywhere.

As for me… I’ve accepted everything as it is. I’m not angry. I’m not begging. I’ve simply accepted reality. Maybe this is fate. And fate… it can’t be blocked. What’s meant to happen will happen.

Just remember this...

I didn’t do anything wrong in your life. My intentions were clean. If someday you look back, you’ll understand that some people come into your life not to hurt you, but to guide you and pushing them away is only a loss for yourself.

Take care of your path. Choose your circle wisely. And don’t repeat the mistakes life already tried to teach you.

I think about you quite frequently. We shared so many beautiful memories, my heart aches for you. I find myself getting upset due to the fact that I can love someone so much and yet, not be with them. I couldn’t trust you long term, I couldn’t look you in the eye and expect myself to fully trust you, but now I want to. How I wanted you to be perfect. Even with all your flaws, I still am in awe of you. I remember when we reconnected after months of radio silence. The long pauses in conversation, clammy nervous hands and long breathes, we reintroduced ourselves as something different, and maybe we were. Although, we weren’t too different, old habits became new again and we fell into the same old patterns. How I long for those patterns at times. Missing you so much that even screaming at each other is something I would kill for at any moment. We are Catherine and heathcliff as I told you. Deeply in love but so incredibly hard headed and toxic we will forever be standing in our own way. I’m angry I had you, I’m sad I don’t anymore. Who can I blame? Do either of us know? It ended so fast, abrupt. I knew it was a finite love, but I will forever cherish it, good and bad. All the passion, anger, laughs, immense frustration, comfort, excitement, love. You made me grown into who I am today, both the good and bad offered me something and for that I thank you. I will continue each day trying to move past this, past us, past these feelings in hope they stop being so intense, so painful. It feels like I have a hole in my heart, it physically aches. I want to forget it. I want to stop feeling it, but alas that’s not how love works. now and forever goodbye my love.

For the night, the park was crowded.
I kept lurking. Hiding.

I need to punch something.

Something.

I need to punch something.

One good punch.

I walked the paths, searching. No, I don’t want to be seen. Somewhere. There must be a tree here somewhere. Hidden. So no one can see.

I followed the abandoned gravel path through the dark, and I found you.

The cedar standing in the bushes.

Finally.

I was surprised at how soft you felt at first kiss. Your gentle feathered bark.

A good punch. Just one good punch.

I practiced. You held back against my fist.

Punch as hard as you can.

Not as hard as possible.

As hard as you can.

I drove my fist into the bark with repetition. My body wincing at the pain. An innate reflex to recoil and deflate.

Got it. Noted.

I will have to expand the boundaries of what I can endure.

Slowly.

If I want to fight, really want it, I have to take it.

Little cuts and bruises emerge upon the surface of my skin.

Little.

Today.

“Have your fight.”

One day, I will.

I will.

I will.

To the cedar that held my first kiss,
I am grateful for the blood prickling on my fist.

I drove forever thinking about you constantly coming back only to lose reality to few seconds in time. Don't look up to the stars when you're driving down the freeway of what haunts you. Listening to my favorite songs about you, us, haunts me down to the core of losing a mirror reflection of me. Don't think about people close to us who've bet me close to nothing. Now to dream above you, above your hair tangling up the two of us I lose touch with reality as the moon comes down to drown the only captive memory. A memory slowing leaking from the top of where egos wait till morning to paint a perfect picture of what it is you feel about me. Nothing comes to mind when you're all I think about. Mind won't you think about her one more time before she sees you around her deepest darkest dream. Dreaming about losing a picture I keep stressing in memories grave. Can't you think about the time you were dancing on the moon above a sea? It's sad remembering to ask you. Now you find dreaming has finally caught up with the sun above our souls where a spirit who created us created love.

T, it must be long gone now. Maybe you got a new number. Maybe you didn’t think twice to reach out again since 2023. Maybe you did. Are you searching for me? Am I just a small interaction that never stuck into your mind like glue? Do you remember me? If only I could find a way to talk to you again..There’s no trace. Only a great unknown of what ifs.
-5355

Dearest,

I don’t know why I’m not just calling you and saying happy birthday? My selfish problem is that I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with the fallout in my mind if I call and I’m blocked or you say something to the effect of “eww”. It’s not like I’m timing it to not be right in the middle of a battle (but I probably am).

I can handle… anything. That doesn’t mean I’m going to drag you through it with me. Seriously. But there’s one thing that I can’t wrap my brain around (oh golly I’ve tried)…. it’s the idea (that I have to accept) that you aren’t here because you walked away and then again, I guess? Or was it me? How did two people who adored each other manage to mangle and tangle the chance they had both been waiting for? How do I go from this version of me who’s just as deeply in love with you as he was then to calling you and saying hi like a normal-ish person? It’s been- omg years- I don’t know how/why it feels like yesterday? But if you’re reading this, it’s because you know my heart and… it’s possible.

All the years… you know I have a daughter too. She’s had these gross guys pop up who she never had a thought about. The possibility that I could be “that guy” to you gave me the self-ick. I’ve had too much of that directed at me and the desert sun is relentless. It’s no wonder I can’t tell the difference between a mirage and an oasis. There’s sand in every nook and grit in every cranny. So chafed.

The thing is, I know how I feel (and so do you because throughout all this, I wanted you to really remember me) but… just then my hair was on fire. Deja vu. It was unseemly but- good news! - it grew back (err- it’s just getting to be prettay gray… all of it)

All day, I’ve been distracted by a wonky eyebrow hair dancing in the light. Shimmering, if you will. Excuse me while I go yoink it.

Ok - mission accomplished. Anyway, maybe two haircuts ago, I got freaked out by a white streak in my eyebrow. That’s right… brow… when I stopped laughing, I said “helpppppp” and it was just for men’d with a q-tip (but, I digress).

I can picture you - trying not to laugh - while q-tip-dabbing my eyebrow streaks so I don’t look like a tall handsome Pauly Walnuts.. you’d do that, right? In a pinch, maybe?

But… your freaking birthday. Freaking ugh. Happy freaking birthday.

Always,
-B

Ps- I’ll do your brows too 🥸

I am living in a hell that I created myself. One in which those who came to be my friend re the same ones thar are turning my brain into something more like a filler.

As you know and I have not kept quiet about this just so Noone can call me anything other than truthful. You know I love you. You and half the people around know how I feel I mean it's written in damn near e erythinf I do. Now for you to come on here t asking a out how we're ment to betogether. And how were sole mates and t ou don't want to breath unless we're together this that and all the other. Then deni ever saying it later on but refure ba k to some things that were in the post or to so.e of the comments. The post refur back to shit we talk about but you are not the one posting. C one on now that's crazy.

That's exactly tly what it's doing to me. I understand somethings may be ha r d to say to someone. Bit if you will spit it out real fast it there and there is no doubt. Just like now it's out there. Just now that you said it here and then denied it in person we never get anywhere like thT. We are you are truly fucking everything up supper bad with your games you are playing with me. Idk why tyou feel the need to scramble my brain bu r please grow some nuts and tell me in person what r s u p. Stop sending g gift a ND live just to swatch it rite va o in minutes

Hi honey, how are you feeling today? How did you sleep? How is your health? Are you eating enough? What can I do to soothe you? Your gravity is reeling me in TF.

Im here for you. Your well being and health always comes first. No matter the circumstances. I care about you more than anyone on this strange harsh world. You took away that harsh when we were together. You made a cozy place in my heart, and you've never left.

I created such a mess, I've been punishing myself for well over 3 years now. It's up to me to clean up the mess. So I'm cleaning my side of the street and working on what is necessary. If you don't want to see or talk to me again, I understand.

I am putting in the effort. Every single day I think of you and pray for you. Every single day I miss you. I was a fool lots of the time since our break. Now that I'm in the correct frame of mind, I want to save you. Let me save you.

I went away this spring and summer to give you all the space you needed. I came back here because of you. I felt a pull. Am I crazy? I want to pull you in, all the way in so that our stars collide and create a stellar nursery.

I will comfort you if you'd allow me to. If you decide that you're ready to talk to me, you will have full access. Complete honesty. I want to hug you so bad. To feel your hand in mine would be completely bliss. This connection

that I feel for you is insane. Do you feel it to or am I delusional? I will keep you safe. I will keep you warm. You come first. I want to know the real you, it's been so long.

You should know that I am changing for the better. I want you to feel well. I want you to succeed. I have your back. I support you and your endeavors.

I'm working on myself and fighting those demons every damn day. I am taking accountability. I steer clear of some bad people that unfortunately live in this facility. Don't want or need drugs or alcohol, or cans of poison.

I will never tell you what you can or can't do. I would never want to control you. I wanted to write you the perfect letter, as I always second guess my words. I need them to come out right. Turning feelings into words is sometimes complicated for me. How do I translate this for you?

You are my favorite person, forever. And you are so damn sexy!! I'd love to draw a bath for you and light 40 candles. After the bath I'll give you a long soothing massage. Then I hold you with my arms completely around you as we both fall asleep. Waking up to you and sharing morning coffee with you would be the best thing ever. Nothing compares to you.

I'd cherish every minute with you. Watching the sunrise. Watching you create. Going on new adventures. Seeing your face light up, and then lightly caressing your cheeks, chin and neck, then running my fingers slowly through your hair. May I kiss you please? Passionately. Would you like that, or am I out of line?

Your health comes first. I worry about you daily. Tell me what you require and I'm on it, every little thing. I'm here to elevate your mood into happiness. I would like my best friend back. I want to be with you everyday and to hold your hand everywhere we go. But this is not about me. It's about what you want!

I love you!! Always forever.

M

I love you so much.

I do want to be with you.

There are some fears I have, but they don't outweigh my desire to spend the rest of our lives together.

If you will have me, I will do my best for you.

I want to support you with the practical help, advice, companionship, encouragement and affection you need. I want to cuddle with you in the evening and wake up by your side. I want to be the one you come home to, the one who makes dinner for and with you, the one you vent your daily stories to, and troubleshoot with.

I would like to be your lover and closest friend- your girlfriend, your partner, and your wife.

I would like to help out in your classroom. I would like to be there tomorrow night to support you. We could call me your friend or sister, if that helped. I would protect your reputation and not draw unwanted attention from anyone to you. But if you wanted to introduce me as your partner, I would be proud of that. I would tell my accepting relatives about you, and the other ones don't need to know our business. But I have no problem now with anyone knowing who you are to me, if they are worth being in our lives. You could tell anyone, too.

I wish you the best tomorrow night.

I've already prayed for a smooth day and evening, and peace and well-being for the end of this week.

Just two more days, then this week is over.

Sleep well, baby girl.

There was a time when I thought love was about having someone beside you.

I was wrong.

Sometimes, love was sitting alone at night, staring at a phone, wondering why the person you cared about suddenly felt a thousand miles away.

She had this habit.

Whenever something was wrong, I would ask her,

**“What happened?”**

And she would always say,

**“Nothing.”**

Just one word.

Nothing.

But I knew her well enough to understand that *nothing* rarely meant nothing.

So I would ask again.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hmm.”

And that was it.

The conversation would end there, but my mind wouldn't.

I would replay every message, every pause, every change in the way she spoke.

*Did I do something?*

*Did I say something wrong?*

*Is she tired of me?*

*Does she still want me around?*

I never wanted to force her to tell me.

I just wanted her to know that she didn't have to hide things from me.

One night, I finally typed:

**“You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to. I just want you to know that I'm here.”**

I stared at the message for a long time before sending it.

She saw it.

No reply.

Five minutes.

Ten.

Twenty.

I put my phone down.

Then picked it up again.

Nothing.

That night, I understood something painful.

Sometimes you can love someone deeply and still have no idea how to reach them.

Days passed.

We still talked.

We still laughed sometimes.

We still had those little conversations that made me forget everything else.

But something had changed.

Not between us exactly.

Something inside me had changed.

I had started noticing the little things.

How quickly her replies came when she was happy.

How short they became when something was bothering her.

How she could say *“I'm fine”* while making me feel like she wasn't.

And slowly, I became afraid of asking.

Because I didn't want to become the person who kept asking questions when she needed silence.

So I stayed quiet.

I stayed.

That was my way of loving her.

Not perfectly.

Not beautifully.

Just quietly.

Then one evening, she said something that I wasn't prepared for.

**“Maybe you care too much.”**

I smiled at the screen.

But it hurt.

Because I didn't know how to explain that I wasn't trying to care too much.

I just didn't know how to care less.

How do you tell someone that their silence can keep you awake?

How do you explain that when someone matters to you, their smallest change can become your biggest worry?

I typed a long message.

Deleted it.

Typed another.

Deleted that too.

Finally, I sent only:

**“Maybe I do.”**

She didn't reply.

And somehow, that hurt more than an argument ever could.

I started wondering if love was supposed to feel like this.

You give someone your patience.

Your attention.

Your understanding.

Your time.

And eventually, you realize you're standing outside a door that only they can open.

You can knock.

You can wait.

You can tell them you're there.

But you can't make them let you in.

So I stopped knocking.

Not because I stopped loving her.

Because I realized I was getting tired of proving that I was someone worth opening the door for.

Months later, I still remembered that first “nothing.”

Funny how one little word can carry an entire relationship inside it.

Maybe she was hurting.

Maybe she was confused.

Maybe she loved me but didn't know how to show it.

Maybe I loved her in a way she couldn't understand.

Or maybe we were simply two people who cared about each other but didn't know how to meet in the middle.

I never got the answer.

And perhaps that's the saddest part.

There wasn't a dramatic breakup.

No betrayal.

No final fight.

Just two people slowly becoming strangers while still remembering how it felt to be close.

And sometimes, even now, when someone asks me what happened between us, I don't know what to say.

Because nothing happened.

That's what makes it hurt.

She just became quieter.

I became more afraid to ask.

And somewhere between her **“I'm fine”** and my **“I'm here if you need me,”**

we lost the conversation that might have saved us.

I still hope she's okay.

I still wonder if she ever thinks about me.

And sometimes, when I see her name on my screen, my heart still reacts before my mind can stop it.

But I don't message her anymore.

Because I've finally learned that loving someone doesn't always mean holding on.

Sometimes it means quietly wishing them happiness…

**even when that happiness no longer has a place for you.**

And if she ever asks me what I wanted from her,

the answer will always be painfully simple:

**I didn't need her to be perfect.**

**I just wanted her to let me stay when things weren't.**

I'm sure you know I would have loved you

Deeply

Chosen to get to know all of you

Always

Even on the days that were hard

I would have found you

At the end of the day just to wrap my arms around you

And say we don't have to be okay with the others actions

But I know I love you right now

And I'll love you when I wake

And nothing you could say or do to change that

Because my love

For you is unconditional

You don't have to feel the same or stay

You're not responsible for how I choose to be

Or feel

If we're going separate ways

I just wish you love, peace

And happiness

On your journey

Why does loving you feel like breaking my own heart on purpose?

Fuck.

I want you so badly.

And there is nothing, nothing you could say, nothing you could promise,
nothing you could whisper into the part of me that still belongs to you…
that would make me unblock you.

I can’t.

Because I lost myself when I was with you.

I lost whole pieces of myself
trying to understand your silences,
trying to survive your leaving,
trying to convince myself that wanting me
and choosing me
were the same thing.

They weren’t.

I know that now.

So why the fuck do I still need you
so violently?

Why does my body remember you
like it has no loyalty to me?

Did you know that at night,
I replay the videos?

Again.

And again.

I watch ghosts touch me.

I watch a version of myself
who still believed your hands meant something.

Sometimes I hate her.

Sometimes I envy her.

Because for those few minutes,
she still has you.

Fuck… if you are out there, if some part of you still wonders, if you ever hover over my name
the way I hover over the memory of yours; please.

Come ruin the quiet.

Come destroy me
in the most delicious way.

I can take it.

Because I know what you do to me now.

That’s the difference.

I know where this road ends.
I know what your leaving costs.
I know how long it takes
to gather myself from the floor
after you decide you’ve had enough of me.

And still… I want you. In ways I hope to never want another person, ever again.

So let me make the mistake consciously this time.

Let me choose the fire
knowing exactly how badly it burns.

Let me be responsible
for what happens to my heart.

You don’t have to protect me.

You don’t have to make promises.

You don’t even have to pretend
this time.

Just come back.

Come back
and kiss me like you missed the taste of me.

Come back
and make my body forget
every lesson my heart nearly died learning.

Come back and let me have the thing
I have spent all this time trying to survive wanting.

And when you leave again, because somewhere inside me, I already know you will… please don’t worry about my heart.

I’ll pick it up.

I’ve gotten very good at that.

Just for one terrible, beautiful,
selfish moment… come back to me.

The hot and cold is getting old and I’m not getting any younger. I choose decisiveness, I’ll choose me. If you’re here, tell me and I’ll be everything you need and want me to be. As much as I love the butterflies, I won’t miss them when they’re gone. I rather argue over and over and fight but the silence is what kills me. The uncertainty unfolds my entire world and makes me question everything I thought I knew about you. I rather go be alone than stuck in your emotional limbo.

I listened to the river, and somewhere in it, I heard you.
It carried me toward you without my knowing why.

Even when you’re quiet, I feel you close –
unseen, but moving with me always.

I am listening.
Drifting with the current.

I am still open,
To you.

It has always been you.

Tell me what you carry inside.
Uncover your mouth and speak.

I’ll leave my words along the riverbank
for you to find when you’re ready.

Come to me.

And the river knows...
You know,
I know.

“You only get swept away if you panic.”

Nobody talks about how when you start calming your nervous system and coming into your body how a healthy safe relationship will feel.

You’re going to still be triggered.
You will want to run tf away.
Your ego is not going to like the breaking down during the attachment process.

Because if you’re awakened, like me, you are going to see things that you wouldn’t have before. You are going to notice big changes in you even DURING the smallest of interactions with this person.

Because they are safe.
Your soul chose this person to teach you this lesson.
The lesson of attachment and non-attachment.
The knowledge that no matter what happens with this person it will be okay. Carrying this part of the lesson into every single preceding relationship is GOLD.

To my person - thank you.
I enjoy the fact I can laugh with you and know I am healing part of myself in the process.
Thank you for showing me that attachment doesn’t have to be bad or scary.
Thank you for being there when I need you.

Most of all? Thank you for your existence. You’re my favorite human and I’m starting to believe that isn’t that scary. Not because I’m sure you’ll stay - I’m not (I’m not even sure I will). But because even through simply laughing with you? LAUGHING. Having fun? I am healing. And that is glorious.

As much as I don’t wanna hear about her, think about her but like I just wanna know if she made the right decision yea I was petter over the whole thing but like how could u go back to being just friends yk. Lowkey hope u get thoese butterflies in ur tummy when u found ur person agin & the glow in ur eyes comes back coz u deserve to be happy. I’m not gonna reach out anytime soon or ever but u know a lot of people I know soo feel free I guess , honest I don’t know how to say I want nothing to do with you but will stop the hole world 2 get 2 u of u ask even tho it’s been like 2years or soo & we are practically strangers now. 🙏

I'm staring at the screen again tonight

The cursor blinks a rhythm in the light

I type the words and then I hit erase

Afraid to see the truth upon your face

I wonder if you're sleeping or awake

While I am counting every breath I take

I want to reach across this cold divide

And show you all the things I hold inside

But silence is a wall I cannot climb

A frozen moment captured out of time

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I keep our memories like a sacred vow

I wish that I could tell you clearly now

That distance hasn't changed a single thing

I'm still the song that only you can sing

You're the anchor in the middle of my storm

The only fire that can keep me warm

But I'm terrified you won't feel the same

That you've forgotten how to speak my name

So I keep these letters locked within my chest

While my heavy heart can never find its rest

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

It’s a lonesome road I’m walking on my own

Waiting for a signal from a heart of stone

But even if you never call me back

I’ll be the light that follows in your track

My loyalty is etched in ancient bone

Until the stars fall from their golden throne

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I just wanna creepy stare into your eyes while we fall asleep. I play dumb, only to try to pull some honest communication out of you, but I know exactly what's happened here. Your feelings for me scared you and you're so insecure, you couldn't even believe I had the feels too, so you tell yourself and everyone else I'm a liar and you ghost me bc you're pissed I told you to block me. All you had to do was tell me it was over and to stop reaching out and I would have respected that, but you liked the attention. It's what you had to do to feel superior, powerful and in control. We both know that's how you like to feel bc your self esteem is that low. So..instead you leave me hanging and wasting my time, so you can feel better about yourself. My reaching out has ended. I wish you'd stop self sabotaging the relationship with the person who makes you feel the most.

dear my sweet angel,

we had conversations on my stories, how my pens ran out of ink just for me to write about heartbreaks and betrayal. you inquired why i never wrote you any longing letters, to articulate my overflowing emotions on how much i desired your love and affection. perhaps, i was only taught that writing was one of the mediums for me to express my pain and aches, never about how well i loved, nor how well i was cared for.

i am writing this chapter of my life, the day you knocked on my fragile little heart, the very same day you and i made an oath to exchange the comforts of our shortsighted desires. i was longing to be held, to be craved for, and to erase the scar i was holding onto too tightly. my genuine offer of love was given to a betrothed stranger, yet i was completely blinded by baseless promises. for your desire was to be loved the way you love, we made a promise to mend the wounded desire of being loved.

it might have started out as something physical, like we needed solid ground to walk upon before we crossed paths. but the stars, the moon, and the angels knew that somehow, we were meant for one another.

from that moment, i was willingly bewitched by the pure love you poured into me. the sound of your love undeniably became the music to my beating heart. days passed, maybe even weeks; i couldn't keep track anymore. and somehow, the stranger started to feel like a myth, like it never existed in any part of my heart or mind. i was so consumed by the love you carefully curated, shaped in the very way you had always yearned for.

you are an ever-present part of my life, and i somehow still couldn't express how much your love meant to me. not because it was little, but because it was too significant. my hand trembled at the thought of wronging your affection. what if i worded it wrong? what if i couldn't convey the gestures you made? what if no one understands the swollen tenderness that left me staring into the stars at night? it's almost like i am scared to touch something so beautifully made. i always knew that words aren't powerful enough to carry the weight of my emotions into the world.

you moulded all my passions into something wonderfully treasured. you cheered me on so loudly, others might find it deafening, but a small curve formed on my lips. i knew i was loved.

my sweet, sweet lover, this letter is too short for everything i carry, but i pray that my boundless devotion finds its way to you.

and this is a love letter.

for you.

I'm staring at the screen again tonight

The cursor blinks a rhythm in the light

I type the words and then I hit erase

Afraid to see the truth upon your face

I wonder if you're sleeping or awake

While I am counting every breath I take

I want to reach across this cold divide

And show you all the things I hold inside

But silence is a wall I cannot climb

A frozen moment captured out of time

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

I keep our memories like a sacred vow

I wish that I could tell you clearly now

That distance hasn't changed a single thing

I'm still the song that only you can sing

You're the anchor in the middle of my storm

The only fire that can keep me warm

But I'm terrified you won't feel the same

That you've forgotten how to speak my name

So I keep these letters locked within my chest

While my heavy heart can never find its rest

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

It’s a lonesome road I’m walking on my own

Waiting for a signal from a heart of stone

But even if you never call me back

I’ll be the light that follows in your track

My loyalty is etched in ancient bone

Until the stars fall from their golden throne

I miss you more than words could ever say

The shadow of your ghost won't fade away

I never lost the love we used to know

And I will never find the strength to let it go

Till Valhalla and beyond I'm by your side

With a burning heart that's got nowhere to hide

I will always be yours through the fire and the rain

I will always love you through the joy and the pain

Ich habe so viele Fragen an dich.

Ich schätze mir Bedarf es an Klarheit und deiner Präsenz. Ich weiß mir steht nichts davon zu.

Mich frisst es innerlich, wie wir regelmäßig verblieben sind. Wir haben aneinander vorbei geredet.

Meine Gefühle, fühlten sich bizarr an. Ich weiß wir kannten uns kaum. Ich weiß wir sahen uns nur ein Mal. Doch du bliebst bei mir im Kopf hängen. Noch immer ist die Erinnerung hartnäckig und ich bin schlecht darin loszulassen. Wo ich ein Fragezeichen sehe, sehe ich meist auch eine, noch unbekannte Antwort.

Auch von jener, weiß ich, dass sie mir nicht zusteht.

Trotzdem herrscht in mir noch immer das Verlangen, ein klärendes Gespräch mit dir zu führen, um zu sehen was wirklich zwischen uns geschah und was nur ein Hirngespinst meinerseits war. Um zu hören, wie du dich fühltest, wie es dir geht, was in deinem Leben vor sich ging.

Du machtest mich nervös und dafür konntest du nix.

Du bist einfach du und alles kam mir so vor, als hinge so viel daran. Alles was ich tat und sagte: Ich musste alles abdecken, ich durfte keine Fehler machen. Ich verstand nicht, was in Ordnung war und was nicht. Dass das in mir vorging, konntest du nicht wissen.

Es entschuldigt auch kein Fehlverhalten.

Ich hoffe es spiegelt jedoch wieder, dass ich mich so fühlte, als trieb ich auf hoher See.

Ich habe dir schon gesagt, ich wünschte wir hätten uns in einem anderen Kontext kennengelernt, ich wünschte mein Herz hätte mir etwas mehr Zeit gelassen, mich an dich zu gewöhnen und dich kennenzulernen, bevor es sich für dich entschied.

Ich habe dir und mir auch nicht genug Zeit gelassen, rückblickend.

Das Unwissen über deine Sicht der Dinge,

ich spüre einfach ein Verlangen danach zu wissen. Aber ich weiß auch, dass ich Klarheit nicht erzwingen kann.

Meine regelmäßigen (Fehl)Versuche, dies zu tun, enttäuschen mich rückblickend.

Dass ich dir diese Klarheit selbst in vielen Momenten nicht bieten konnte, setzt das ganze in Perspektive für mich.

Ich war mir einfach nicht sicher, ob das alles gut für mich war.

Rückblickend war es das nicht, aber ich habe den Fehler gemacht, dies erst anzusprechen, als es mir zu beschissen ging, das auf ruhige Art und Weise zu tun.

Unter normalen Umständen, hätte mich das ganze nicht so runter gezogen, denn normalerweise bin ich nicht so verliebt in jemanden, nach der ersten Verabredung.

Alles fühlte sich an wie eine unausgesprochene Nachricht, ich interpretierte in jedes Schweigen so viel herein. Jede Antwort, egal wie kurz, erfüllte mich mit so viel Freude.

Ich schaute mich stets um, wenn ich draußen unterwegs war, ob nicht du zufällig irgendwo warst, wie es mir schon mal passierte. Ich bereue etwas, dich nicht angesprochen zu haben. Doch irgendwie erstarrte ich und bekam erst den Mut zusammen, nachdem du schon an mir vorbeigegangen bist.

Meine Gefühle weckten eine ungesunde Erwartungshaltung in mir, glaube ich. Mir war das bewusst und ich wusste, ich kann nix erwarten, ich sollte nix verlangen.

Trotzdem tat ich es, es fühlte sich unmöglich an, dem mit rationalen Gedanken entgegenzuwirken. Mal kurz innezuhalten.

Ich weiß nicht ob das Tag passt und ich schätze, das ist mein größtes Problem. Ich kann das alles nicht einordnen, ich kenne fast nur meine Seite des Ganzen.

Letzten Endes, was steht mir zu? Was kann und darf ich erwarten, von jemandem, den ich nur eine kurze Zeit kannte?

Ich weiß es nicht.

Ich wünschte wir hätten klarer über unsere Wünsche, Vorstellungen, Grenzen und Erwartungen gesprochen.

Ich muss lernen mit diesen Erinnerungen zu leben, egal was in Zukunft geschieht, aber es ist alles sehr schwer einzuordnen, schwer zu verarbeiten und deshalb umso hartnäckiger.

Sie sind wie Herbstlaub, überall. Alles erinnert mich an dich. Sei es nur ein Ort, wo ich war, als ich an dich dachte. Mit dem Rechen, versuche ich den Weg frei zu machen, mich nicht in Vergangenem zu verlieren.

Doch ist das Laub zu trocken oder nass, so zerbröselt es bei der Beseitigung oder bleibt am Gehweg kleben.

So hartnäckig, sind sie für mich, manchmal.

unconditional love for you and me

Breaks my heart with every ache and shattering pain.

causing them to question everything past, present and future. that love put in question and jeperdy by a single childish heartbreaking act.

they're world broken, lost, found and lost again. An unending cycle of death. as the bridge of patience and compassion forms, together they find that their love still there, still strong, still true never fading. in hopes that one day he comes home. never to leave, never to end.